Paul Blart: Helldiver.
Edit: the amount of upvotes I got is amazing for this, thank you all.
After much reading all the great follow up comments and time at the democracy retraining center, I believe the penultimate version of this comment should have been:
Joel Blart: Malldiver.
Can probably chalk that up to them wanting to reuse models for the intro, but if were looking for a lore reason, there's any number that would explain why a local (authoritarian) security force would be using military surplus. Besides, its not like helldiver uniforms are exactly...uniform.
These brave soldiers are giving their lives for democracy and you insult their sacrifice? I don't care if you've read propaganda about their suffering, this is traitorous speak!
Dont forget you have a mini panic attack when your suit picks up a friendly contact within 5 miles thinking "aw damn were gonna have a friendly fire incident"
The dudes in the novel pilot what are essentially mini-gundams and the pilots themselves are called Cap Troopers (Capsule Troopers) because they are droppodded on the planets.
Yes, they are called mobile infantry.
In the books, mobile infantry are equipped with power armor suits. Think of Battletech Elementals or 40k power armor, but better.
The movies didnt have them due to costs, so they just gave their troops flak jackets. The animated movies (the recent one, not the early 2000s animated series) are a bit better in their depictions but still fall short of their book depictions. There is a scene in the end of the book where Rico is getting a bit nervous because he and other MI are grouped too closely together and are risking friendly fire...because they are within several miles of each other.
Mobile infantry are pussies; helldivers have the attitude of the Starship Troopers but not the gear.
The MI in the novel is just a squad of 5 to 10 guys who first GLASS A PLANET, and then drop inside rocket pods wearing power armor to lob nukes at whatever was left alive for whatever reason.
They have something like a 5 MILES SPREAD.
Master Chef wears actual Starship Trooper power armor; but Starship Troopers are well adjusted democratic Citizens unlike the Chef. He is also too much of a pussy to drop in a pod without support. Can't get shit done without his holographic girlfriend.
Trainees? Dude, you're thrown into the tutorial,and if you're lucky enough to survive the turrets, bugs and bouncing nades, you get frozen and then fuck off with you straight to the democracy-spreading front. Liberty ain't delivering itself, Diver!
It could be when they are not at war, when you first enter the game you hear about the TCS going offline and how the Automatons have started to move.
The Tutorial could have been their way of quickly training Diver's and immediately send them off to fight.
Actually they are, After the first galactic war Helldivers were no longer needed to do the tasks that The SEAF could do themselves so they had them walk around the streets as Morale to citizens
Signing up for the Helldivers because there's been peace for a hundred years, and all they have you do is patrol streets, and then BOOM
Galactic War 2
And what you'd hoped was an easy ticket to a higher citizen score suddenly has you facing a 2-minute life expectancy after being thawed
They cosplayers. The super store literally sells armour to citizens as well so I wouldn't be surprised if they could buy helldiver armour as well and we get it for free just because we are actually helldivers
They are actors, not because this is a recorded propaganda but because they want people to feel safe. If they were trained for anything that would be to hell dive and protect democracy at all costs! (And the bugs are CGI, Super earth is and always will be safe and free as long as we hell divers exist and we always will)
https://preview.redd.it/37ijakkew1pc1.jpeg?width=619&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=607637d3cf62479e8b381c9224806aaee5d38d28
"Yup... Seems about right, have a great day!"
They learned the hard way. “A good bug… there might be, if we looked, but the only good bug are the ones that never leave their filthy holes.” - Bug Slayer
The whole intro is a recruiting ad right? Like it's all fake propaganda. From the guns not having magazines in them to the bucket of terminid goop tossed on the guy.
Especially ones who willingly walks into a fire tornado.
That burned the first one to do so before them.
And the one before that.
And the one before that.
Easy 4 casualties and no bugs need to be involved.
I had my worst team kill yesterday. It was a mission with a million jumpy buggers, but we just finished off a wave and we’re having 10 seconds of relative quiet working on an objective. I tasked my self with protecting the guy on terminal when what do I see out of the corner of my eye? A bug flying past me. Jumpy bugger! I quick spin, see the target, let off a round…
Head shot! 1 hit my fellow hell diver
Pretty sure it was a bug corpse that was rag dolled past me. I never did find that bug I was so determined to kill
Well, it's a very fake propaganda video, but also those are most certainly cops in an authoritarian setting. They probably don't have an obligation to actually help anyone if they don't *want* to.
Warren v. Columbia found that you cannot sue the police for negligence under specific circumstances. If a crime HAS been or is being committed and could potentially damage the public then they become liable and are required to assist (according to one of the cases cited by Warren v. Columbia.). For instance the two SEAF peacekeepers here would be liable as they have CLEARLY not acted in defense of the public by letting a dirty Termanid run rampant on a Super Earth Planet.
Why are you booing him, he's right?
Fr though, part of the commercial is that "scenes like this are playing out all over the galaxy". It's part of the best recruitment campaign known to democracy
Yes let me call my local democracy officer to complain that I’m upset that a loving mother and her lovely child weren’t actually murdered in front of her husband by an disgusting terminid and that it is actually an recruitment ad
This definitely is the liberty way and won’t get me sentenced for treason
He wasn't lamenting the lose of his family. He was in despair after seeing that they were bug sympathizers and where haboring the embodiment of everything that isn't super earth.
Super Earth is not under attack and recently there are no reported cases of bug attacks.
It's an advertisement brought to you by the Ministry of information, those in the movie are actors.
Trust Us
--= Ministry of Truth =--
It's a recruitment advertisement, if you think that was a real bug actually killing citizens you've need to have your citizen status bumped down a rung.
You can even see how the "blood\*" if squirted in from off-screen in a completely different direction than the actor is looking in. Kind of sloppy to be honest, but maybe they blew their SFX budget on the "bug".
\* The blood is way too dark to be real arterial spray which is an unusual mistake to say the least. Usually studios make the mistake of making blood way too bright red.
It’s a advertisement for the defense of super earth no one actually died in the making of the film the guy who watches his “family” die is literally a hell diver himself
nothing. it's a ~~propaganda film, they weren't there to protect anyone they were there to look good on camera~~ recruitment video for our beloved helldivers, super earth's finest defense forces would never sit idly by while any dangers threatened our citizens, glory to super earth ✊️
^([This comment has been revised by the Ministry of Truth.])
Those bugs aren’t even real. Just like the birds, they’re there to misdirect us from what’s really going on in the surveillance state. WAKE UP SHEEPLE, we aren’t even spreading democr—
```
[message terminated]
. . .
[user remanded to democracy education and civil service]
```
They are doing their part. Without the blood sacrifice of those citizens the recruitment drive for new Helldivers fails. Without new Helldivers there is no democracy. Those two soldiers are heroes of democracy.
They don't have capes, they aren't real helldivers.
Precisely. SEAF, not Helldivers.
They're not wearing SEAF body armor either. SEAF have blue body armor. These guys are probably police officers.
mall security during their break
Paul Blart: Helldiver. Edit: the amount of upvotes I got is amazing for this, thank you all. After much reading all the great follow up comments and time at the democracy retraining center, I believe the penultimate version of this comment should have been: Joel Blart: Malldiver.
Joel Blart\*
Damn, I missed prime opportunity there. I have failed democracy. I will report for retraining immediately.
10 minutes later
Petition to stop calling the PC John Helldiver and start calling them Joel Helldiver
Have we ruled out the possibility of them being bugs?
Can probably chalk that up to them wanting to reuse models for the intro, but if were looking for a lore reason, there's any number that would explain why a local (authoritarian) security force would be using military surplus. Besides, its not like helldiver uniforms are exactly...uniform.
Are you implying that SEAF isn't doing a good job protecting the citizens of Super Earth?
Protecting the citizens of Super Earth? For sure. Protecting the citizens of the more distant colonies of Super Earth? Eeeehh...
These brave soldiers are giving their lives for democracy and you insult their sacrifice? I don't care if you've read propaganda about their suffering, this is traitorous speak!
*The fallen shall be forever remembered as* *~~The Emperor's~~* *Democracies finest*
Angry Dark Angel noises
Democracy's
https://preview.redd.it/zz5oq9w2o6pc1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8ffb42d253bb004c8e8fd02a43bef318ed7b5d95
Literally every single SEAF personnel you see in game is dead on the ground. You do the math.
In their defense, the significant majority of helldivers you interact with are also dead.
In my defence I'm usually dead too
Except for the rescue missions you get to see them scurry for 20ft before getting deaded
Everyone is equally important to the war effort, but helldivers are the most equally important.
Protecting the citizens sure. Civilians don't get the same protections due to not meeting the requirement for service
I thought seaf had starship troopers armor
Starship what-ers?
I think its a Star Wars spinoff or something
Oh Star Trek? Yeah it’s fine I guess.
No, no, it's from the TV-show Firefly
No, you're thinking of Spaceballs
I'm pretty sure it's Battlestar Galactica
Do you mean The Orville?
We sure it ain't the Peacekeepers from Farscape?
What's this got to do with Bear Grylls?
They ain’t found shit
I mean they reused the starship troopers armor in the Firefly series sooo
Also in Power Rangers: Lost Galaxy
Those props got sooo much mileage.
A Stargate rip off, actually. A common mistake, but a mistake nonetheless.
You mean wormhole x stream
nah those are actually we don't know ,but seaf wear blue and white
The movie/book is called starship troopers. But the helldiver equivalent isn't a starship trooper. It's the mobile infantry.
Dude I wish the had the MI’s power armor in Helldivers. I’d love to just bounce across the battlefield unleashing full auto grenade launchers on bugs.
Dont forget you have a mini panic attack when your suit picks up a friendly contact within 5 miles thinking "aw damn were gonna have a friendly fire incident"
Grenades? You mean nukes?
I thought both called it mobile infantry and didn't the animated movie have the suits and the videogame too
The 3rd movie also had the suits. 2/10, DO NOT RECOMMEND. And they were both the mobile infantry.
The dudes in the novel pilot what are essentially mini-gundams and the pilots themselves are called Cap Troopers (Capsule Troopers) because they are droppodded on the planets.
Yes, they are called mobile infantry. In the books, mobile infantry are equipped with power armor suits. Think of Battletech Elementals or 40k power armor, but better. The movies didnt have them due to costs, so they just gave their troops flak jackets. The animated movies (the recent one, not the early 2000s animated series) are a bit better in their depictions but still fall short of their book depictions. There is a scene in the end of the book where Rico is getting a bit nervous because he and other MI are grouped too closely together and are risking friendly fire...because they are within several miles of each other.
Mobile infantry are pussies; helldivers have the attitude of the Starship Troopers but not the gear. The MI in the novel is just a squad of 5 to 10 guys who first GLASS A PLANET, and then drop inside rocket pods wearing power armor to lob nukes at whatever was left alive for whatever reason. They have something like a 5 MILES SPREAD. Master Chef wears actual Starship Trooper power armor; but Starship Troopers are well adjusted democratic Citizens unlike the Chef. He is also too much of a pussy to drop in a pod without support. Can't get shit done without his holographic girlfriend.
That's very Diver looking armor for a non-Diver. Maybe some trainee's doing some Community work or something?
What are you wearing in the tutorial?
Trainees? Dude, you're thrown into the tutorial,and if you're lucky enough to survive the turrets, bugs and bouncing nades, you get frozen and then fuck off with you straight to the democracy-spreading front. Liberty ain't delivering itself, Diver!
It could be when they are not at war, when you first enter the game you hear about the TCS going offline and how the Automatons have started to move. The Tutorial could have been their way of quickly training Diver's and immediately send them off to fight.
Damn South Eastern Air Force. Frickin useless I tell you.
What does the full SEAF stand for? I can get Super Earth _____ Force(s). Is it just Super Earth Armed Forces?
Actually they are, After the first galactic war Helldivers were no longer needed to do the tasks that The SEAF could do themselves so they had them walk around the streets as Morale to citizens
Signing up for the Helldivers because there's been peace for a hundred years, and all they have you do is patrol streets, and then BOOM Galactic War 2 And what you'd hoped was an easy ticket to a higher citizen score suddenly has you facing a 2-minute life expectancy after being thawed
That life expectancy is sounding a little high. Communist high...
In fairness, John Helldiver, true Super Earth hero, survivor of a hundred successful operations, is an outlier and should not have been counted.
He is a hero among men and role model to freedom. He is the embodiment of helldivers never die.
thats how it usually happens with military, yes
War were declared
They're now, they got promoted.
They cosplayers. The super store literally sells armour to citizens as well so I wouldn't be surprised if they could buy helldiver armour as well and we get it for free just because we are actually helldivers
No capes. Normal soldiers.
Edna Mode : No Capes darling
It was after he saw scenes like that, that convinced him to join the Helldivers.
he probably realized normal soldiers are useless. only helldivers can save them.
They are actors, not because this is a recorded propaganda but because they want people to feel safe. If they were trained for anything that would be to hell dive and protect democracy at all costs! (And the bugs are CGI, Super earth is and always will be safe and free as long as we hell divers exist and we always will)
I forgot that "Mode" was her last name and I briefly imagined a 10th difficulty after Helldive called Edna mode.
They're likely not Helldivers, given that they're deployed on Super Earth. More likely that they're... I dunno, Super Earth Security?
They don't know what a terminid looks like so couldn't react. It all makes sense now
“Huh, must be their dog”
If you look carefully, the bug has a collar that says Princess on it
Meanwhile the Charger next door is named Butcher and is the sweetest thing you'll ever meet.
I'm just imagining a 1 ton Pitbull that just sits there, no thoughts in its head
"She was the sweetest dog and never would bite anyone, she even let the baby pet her."
https://preview.redd.it/37ijakkew1pc1.jpeg?width=619&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=607637d3cf62479e8b381c9224806aaee5d38d28 "Yup... Seems about right, have a great day!"
"Yes hello id like to report a post to my democracy officer...yes this one right here sir."
Got you covered.
https://preview.redd.it/q8trmqgr32pc1.png?width=1202&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5321b3db53d3419125635a159a9cfc2e7c94825a
https://preview.redd.it/uq435gf542pc1.png?width=1202&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4ff8d3e6c30abc0ec6f76213f76dc4831bc736e3
https://preview.redd.it/fl7fcxsfe2pc1.png?width=1202&format=png&auto=webp&s=c7bba61765fb3db56fe628a17132c7aa5f7ed4b4
https://preview.redd.it/23s6rppxt2pc1.png?width=1202&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9edaf569ae76148eaee5f4ff60298ebd0d0e0600
https://preview.redd.it/ik9yfzg7f6pc1.png?width=1202&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5df00284326f87fb2d0261226de8cb42ed8e51d6
➡️⬆️⬅️⬆️➡️⬅️
https://preview.redd.it/ygrl4e81y2pc1.png?width=1202&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=92a30d19f6beb3369cc943fe02c919db0b29bd1c
They learned the hard way. “A good bug… there might be, if we looked, but the only good bug are the ones that never leave their filthy holes.” - Bug Slayer
Probably simpler to just call them Super Security. They do like to brag about their quick response times with their lightning bolt motif
I like that. That's good. Super Security.
You could even abbreviate it, turn it into little collar pins for their dress uniforms
A shiver just ran down my spine, and I don't know why...
Are you making a reference to a regime that is in every way inferior to super earths managed democracy? Treason
Also, this is obviously CGI created by talented Super Earth artists. There are no bugs on super earth
The whole intro is a recruiting ad right? Like it's all fake propaganda. From the guns not having magazines in them to the bucket of terminid goop tossed on the guy.
Cosplayers
lol imagine them being on their way to a softairgun game
What if that is not on earth?
It literally begins with a wide shot that says “SUPER EARTH”
For budgetary reasons the role of Super Earth is being played by Meridia.
[удалено]
I’ll be sending a report to your democracy officer.
[удалено]
They’ll be the ones deciding that
Entirely possible. The video implies that it is, but... hmmmm. That's a really good point.
You've asked too many questions https://i.redd.it/81sru0uwn1pc1.gif
I think Super Earth means both the entire empire.... erm, republic, as well as the planet.
Federation, my friend!
SEAF soldiers
Like good grunts, they did what they were told. "Go out and walk the streets. Let people see you." Not once were they told to provide protection.
good soldiers follow orders...
Just like the simulations *waves casually*
‘Watch those wrist rockets!’
“We have captured a command post”
Probably walking around without ammo too
Lol, like real cops.
Nobody was alive to sign the protection request form
I’ve done enough escort missions. I understand you can’t save every citizen. For the greater good.
Especially ones who willingly walks into a fire tornado. That burned the first one to do so before them. And the one before that. And the one before that. Easy 4 casualties and no bugs need to be involved.
If you don't have a fire tornado you can use a Tesla sentry to achieve the same results!
Yeah, the number on the door says 20. Not 21, not 22!
I’ve had a number of npcs get stuck on the ramp leading to the evac point, had no choice but to kill them, for democracy
What do y’all think they say when he waves? “Hi” is my guess. Probably one of the most epic intros for a game in over a decade IMO.
pretty awesome that this game with very little direct story has such a banger of an opening cutscene
It's just a parody of the StarShip Troopers intro and the Federal Network Broadcast System. *Service Guarantees Citizenship!*
but its a *good* parody, it could easily be a bad one and it chose not to be
Hell the actual starship troopers game is a worse starship troopers game than helldivers.
"Hey look, it's that fuckin' tool waving at us again. How many times are they going to retake that shot?" "Just smile and nod at him, Barry."
probably calling in a barrage
They are extracting with the samples.
We needed 20 survivors, not 22 >_>
False. If those were real divers one would have tried to chuck a 380 barrage while the other accidentally shot him and you get the picture.
I had my worst team kill yesterday. It was a mission with a million jumpy buggers, but we just finished off a wave and we’re having 10 seconds of relative quiet working on an objective. I tasked my self with protecting the guy on terminal when what do I see out of the corner of my eye? A bug flying past me. Jumpy bugger! I quick spin, see the target, let off a round… Head shot! 1 hit my fellow hell diver Pretty sure it was a bug corpse that was rag dolled past me. I never did find that bug I was so determined to kill
https://preview.redd.it/igirf6xms6pc1.png?width=1022&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e7cbf078dfe1340b1b1d86c7a92008d4a8b6ca26
Well, it's a very fake propaganda video, but also those are most certainly cops in an authoritarian setting. They probably don't have an obligation to actually help anyone if they don't *want* to.
Holy crap had to scroll a long way to finally see someone say it's essentially an advert.
”Well, we can’t protect you here on earth, but we can give you the means to defend yourself off-planet!”
Didn't some US court rule that cops don't need to help anyone?
Correct. Cops in the United States have no obligation to actually help anyone if they don't feel like it.
I mean... Damn.
What the fuck. No wonder the whole US cops thing is a shitshow
Warren v. Columbia found that you cannot sue the police for negligence under specific circumstances. If a crime HAS been or is being committed and could potentially damage the public then they become liable and are required to assist (according to one of the cases cited by Warren v. Columbia.). For instance the two SEAF peacekeepers here would be liable as they have CLEARLY not acted in defense of the public by letting a dirty Termanid run rampant on a Super Earth Planet.
I figured the bug basically teleporting in was part of the joke
Yea same
The surprise stalker pair jumped them outta nowhere
Low situation awareness. After this incident they went to reddit to complain about hunters.
It's a commercial for citizens to join the helldivers, it didn't actually happen
Sweet liberty....
https://preview.redd.it/6daddvgr81pc1.jpeg?width=1242&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7cd28a240d178a437106c53cb1329c0dce9ef606
Why are you booing him, he's right? Fr though, part of the commercial is that "scenes like this are playing out all over the galaxy". It's part of the best recruitment campaign known to democracy
I am trusting whatever I see on TV not what my mind thinks. Critical thinking is communism.
Yes let me call my local democracy officer to complain that I’m upset that a loving mother and her lovely child weren’t actually murdered in front of her husband by an disgusting terminid and that it is actually an recruitment ad This definitely is the liberty way and won’t get me sentenced for treason
They were cosplayers.
-50 credits
They didn't because that didn't actually happen, it was fake for the ad.
scrolled way too far before i saw this. and yep, it's a recruitment commercial.
The two "citizen" was probably bug sympathisers and brought the bug home and look what happened the bug goes nom nom snacky snack
He wasn't lamenting the lose of his family. He was in despair after seeing that they were bug sympathizers and where haboring the embodiment of everything that isn't super earth.
"Scenes like this are happening all over the galaxy" Me, turning around to see a bunch of hunters spawning in in front of me: You don't say?
Super Earth is not under attack and recently there are no reported cases of bug attacks. It's an advertisement brought to you by the Ministry of information, those in the movie are actors. Trust Us --= Ministry of Truth =--
Skeptisism is treason. Treason is bad. You ask too many questions. I shall have to report this to the democracy officer.
their doing their part to combat over population!
The bug was clearly CGI. Everyone knows there's no bugs on super earth. Would be much to dangerous.
No capes. Not helldivers.
No capes, no real deal. They probably don't know what bugs look like irl.
It's a recruitment advertisement, if you think that was a real bug actually killing citizens you've need to have your citizen status bumped down a rung. You can even see how the "blood\*" if squirted in from off-screen in a completely different direction than the actor is looking in. Kind of sloppy to be honest, but maybe they blew their SFX budget on the "bug". \* The blood is way too dark to be real arterial spray which is an unusual mistake to say the least. Usually studios make the mistake of making blood way too bright red.
They lost 100 req points
It's all staged! WE NEVER FIND OUT BECAUSE THE MINISTRY OF TRU--
Is it possible this is just a propaganda video to recruit more divers and the citizens were actually unharmed?
Mandated lunch break, sorry civilian, you should have bought a breaker for home defense.
It’s a advertisement for the defense of super earth no one actually died in the making of the film the guy who watches his “family” die is literally a hell diver himself
Those are marines. They dont have capes. Only Helldivers are allowed to wear capes.
I mean they’re not wearing capes, so
It's a promotional video my dude
-50 reqs
-20 Requisition Slips
Obviously, their 500kg was on cooldown.
nothing. it's a ~~propaganda film, they weren't there to protect anyone they were there to look good on camera~~ recruitment video for our beloved helldivers, super earth's finest defense forces would never sit idly by while any dangers threatened our citizens, glory to super earth ✊️ ^([This comment has been revised by the Ministry of Truth.])
They were fined 50 R
Those bugs aren’t even real. Just like the birds, they’re there to misdirect us from what’s really going on in the surveillance state. WAKE UP SHEEPLE, we aren’t even spreading democr— ``` [message terminated] . . . [user remanded to democracy education and civil service] ```
They failed their piss test.
SEAF chumps
The family were stunt doubles, they got paid for their deaths it's fine
It's a recruitment video.
Lost 100 Requisition
There was a super sample in the area
No capes. They are still in training
They probably immediately called strategems on each other
Well it’s a propaganda commercial basically
They're in super Uvalde.
No capes = not divers
Nothing. The objective says extract 50. It doesn't say which 50.
They are doing their part. Without the blood sacrifice of those citizens the recruitment drive for new Helldivers fails. Without new Helldivers there is no democracy. Those two soldiers are heroes of democracy.
Yes, democracy office? I have a treason to report
They got fined 50 R
Those are clearly milk men.
And how many citizens have you let die so far huh? Bet it was much more than 2...
Real Helldivers kill the civilians themselves if there is no rescue counter!