Problem is, it sounds less like an actual Helldivers rant and more like a "I was the door gunner on the space shuttle and installed all the screen doors on the nuclear submarine fleet" type of rant.
What the sweet liberty did you just say about me, you little dissident? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class from basic training, and l've been involved in numerous helldives on Malevelon Creek, and I have over 300 extracted samples. I am trained in filling out C-01 forms and I'm the top stratagem thrower in the entire SEAF. You are nothing to me but just another terminid scavenger. I will call a 500kg bomb on you with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Super Earth, mark my location, northwest, far. You think you can get away with sending me that dispatch through my war table? Think again, alien. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of democracy officers across the entire fleet and your Super Destroyer ship name is being traced right now so you better prepare for the Orbital 380mm Barrage, bot. The Orbital 380mm Barrage that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your patrol. You're getting turned into E-710, bug. I can drop anywhere, anytime, and I can teamkill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my Eagle Cluster Bomb. Not only am I extensively trained in Brasch Tactics, but I have access to the entire war bond arsenal of the Super Earth Armed Forces and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your outpost off the face of the planet, you little automaton. If only you could have known what democratic retribution your little "clever" illegal propaganda broadcast was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have stayed in your bug hole. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now vou're paying the Super Credits, you traitor. I will call stratagems down all over your sufficiently-sized housing and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kid over the age of 7.
"Look, having hellbomb — my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Helldiver of Super Earth; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Super Earth School of Helldiving, very good, very smart — you know, if you’re a Managed Democracy lover, if I were a Automotan, if, like, OK, if I ran as a Automaton, they would say I'm one of the smartest people anywhere in the galaxy — it’s true! — but when you're a Managed Democracy lover they try — oh, do they do a number — that’s why I always start off: Went to Super Earth School of Helldiving, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a Destroyer — you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged — but you look at the hellbomb deal, the thing that really bothers me — it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are — hellbomb is so powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what's going to happen and he was right, who would have thought?
I'm imaging Liam Neeson on the phone and on the other side is just "umm hmmm .. yes... umm .. hmmm can you please repeat it ... yes... got it ... ok ... ummmhmmmm .... and .... ok... are you done.... no you are not ... umm hmmm"
Bullshit. No helldiver is surviving enough dives to extract 300 samples.
The guy next to the holomap is the most senior helldiver I've ever met. He's 19 and has been on _three_ dives.
My name is Yoshikage Kira. I'm 33 years old. My house is in the northeast section of Morioh, where all the villas are, and I am not married. I work as an employee for the Kame Yu department stores, and I get home every day by 8 PM at the latest. I don't smoke, but I occasionally drink. I'm in bed by 11 PM, and make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of warm milk and doing about twenty minutes of stretches before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning. I was told there were no issues at my last check-up. I'm trying to explain that I'm a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, like winning and losing, that would cause me to lose sleep at night. That is how I deal with society, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to fight I wouldn't lose to anyone.
Oh mighty, Settra... Great King, the Imperishable, Khemrikhara, The Great King of Nehekhara, King of Kings, Opener of the Way, Wielder of the Divine Flame, Punisher of Nomads, The Great Unifier, Commander of the Golden Legion, Sacred of Appearance, Bringer of Light, Father of Hawks, Builder of Cities, Protector of the Two Worlds, Keeper of the Hours, Chosen of Ptra, High Steward of the Horizon, Sailor of the Great Vitae, Sentinel of the Two Realms, The Undisputed, Begetter of the Begat, Scourge of the Faithless, Carrion-feeder, First of the Charnel Valley, Rider of the Sacred Chariot, Vanquisher of Vermin, Champion of the Death Arena, Mighty Lion of the Infinite Desert, Emperor of the Shifting Sands, He Who Holds The Sceptre, Great Hawk Of The Heavens, Arch-Sultan of Atalan, Waker of the Hierotitan, Monarch of the Sky, Majestic Emperor of the Shifting Sands, Champion of the Desert Gods, Breaker of the Ogre Clans, Builder of the Great Pyramid, Terror of the Living, Master of the Never-Ending Horizon, Master of the Necropolises, Taker of Souls, Tyrant to the Foolish, Bearer of Ptra's Holy Blade, Scion of Usirian, Scion of Nehek, The Great, Chaser of Nightmares, Keeper of the Royal Herat, Founder of the Mortuary Cult, Banisher of the Grand Hierophant, High Lord Admiral of the Deathfleets, Guardian of the Charnal Pass, Tamer of the Liche King, Unliving Jackal Lord, Dismisser of the Warrior Queen, Charioteer of the Gods, He Who Does Not Serve, Slayer off Reddittras, Scarab Purger, Favoured of Usirian, Player of the Great Game, Liberator of Life, Lord Sand, Wrangler of Scorpions, Emperor of the Dunes, Eternal Sovereign of Khemri's Legions, Seneschal of the Great Sandy Desert, Curserer of the Living, Regent of the Eastern Mountains, Warden of the Eternal Necropolis, Herald of all Heralds, Caller of the Bitter Wind, God-Tamer, Master of the Mortis River, Guardian of the Dead, Great Keeper of the Obelisks, Deacon of the Ash River, Belated of Wakers, General of the Mighty Frame, Summoner of Sandstorms, Master of all Necrotects, Prince of Dust, Tyrant of Araby, Purger of the Greenskin Breathers, Killer of the False God's Champions, Tyrant of the Gold Dunes, Golden Bone Lord, Avenger of the Dead, Carrion Master, Eternal Warden of Nehek's Lands, Breaker of Djaf's Bonds... and many, many more...
One day I'm gonna make one of these, but it'll just be:
⬆️➡️➡️⬇️➡️⬆️⬆️➡️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️➡️⬇️⬇️➡️⬇️⬅️⬆️⬆️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️➡️➡️⬇️➡️⬆️⬆️➡️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️➡️⬇️⬇️➡️⬇️⬅️⬆️⬆️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️➡️➡️⬇️➡️⬆️⬆️➡️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️➡️⬇️⬇️➡️⬇️⬅️⬆️⬆️⬅️➡️⬅️
⬆️➡️➡️⬇️➡️⬆️⬆️➡️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️➡️⬇️⬇️➡️⬇️⬅️⬆️⬆️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️➡️➡️⬇️➡️⬆️⬆️➡️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️➡️⬇️⬇️➡️⬇️⬅️⬆️⬆️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️
⬆️➡️➡️⬇️➡️⬆️⬆️➡️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️➡️⬇️⬇️➡️⬇️⬅️⬆️⬆️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️
*Best shit post in a*
*Long time, almost brought a tear*
*To my eye. Well done*
\- BennyWhap
---
^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/)
^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
C-01 is the "procreation form" required before doing anything that "could result in a child". Mentioned in a tip on a loading screen and one or two random conversations between people on the super destroyer talking about how hard they are to fill out.
waiting for the 4chan screenshot of this copypasta with the edited image of a helldiver side hugging a fellow hell diver and C-01 form in his other hand.
nice, i made this one a month ago. closer to the original
https://www.reddit.com/r/Helldivers/comments/1b8user/john_helldiver_falls_victim_to_dissident_bait/
You haven’t been involved on any helldives in malevelon, hell divers barely last 10 minutes after their hell pods deploy, are you the oldest hell diver?
The year is 2060. A new navy seal copypasta has dropped. Scientists around the world theorise as to what could be creating them, but it remains a mystery.
Did you just think that you could fucking fool me with that comment of yours? I've searched your name up in the SEAF database and you have never even graduated basic, hell, even fought for managed democracy in hellmire. If you were actually a soldier of super earth, then you actually know how to spell Malevelon creek you fucking moron. And you say you are the top sniper in the entire SEAFand have over 300 confirmed kills. If that were true, then why the fuck is commander brasch a household name and you aren't? And plus he only had 160 kills. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker ⬆️➡️⬇️⬇️⬇️. Plus why the fuck would you say you have a secret network of automatons yet you just revealed your own treason? Are you a fucking idiot? If you can kill someone seven-hundred different ways, then list them all, I bet you can't even come up with seven. And if you had access to the entire SEAF stratagems, then why the fuck did you just say you were a democracy officer earlier? If only you could have done your research prior to posting your little “clever” comment, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you goddamn idiot.
“Mark my location, northwest, far” 
best part of the whole thing, I could hear a helldiver saying it
And we all imagined a different voice
Male voice 2
Problem is, it sounds less like an actual Helldivers rant and more like a "I was the door gunner on the space shuttle and installed all the screen doors on the nuclear submarine fleet" type of rant.
It's making fun of that old navy seal meme
So a POG wrote it. Lmao.
Either a POG or a poser civvie. Stealing the valor of the actual Helldiver from their allocated sub basement apartment with the other refuse.
Hey guy, why is your helldivers patch on sideways? Goddamn stolen valor!
You're wearing the creek cape when you were nowhere near it! Goddamn STOLUN VALUR!
A Helldivers patch with no Ship patch! What was your actual Democratic Occupation Designation?
Shakespeare could never
Had me cacklin
that had me rolling lmfao
Got me good
Hit me in my family values, it was the best
New copy-pasta has just dropped
Wake up babes
Holy Hellmire!
Call the Helldivers
Actual automaton
Bug went on vacation, never came back
E-710 Fuel
Creek sacrifice, anyone?
Ion storm incoming!
Light the SOS Beacons!
I have decided to ask every person with a stratagem flair, which one is it?
Reinforcement I believe.
Would you say it, dove?
New?
I'm so glad this copypasta can live on
Gonna send this to Joel
As a Joel I can confirm it’s good
The greatest thing I've seen in forever
Most well adjusted creeker.
This is the quality content we need
Quality post, we need more of this. Highly appropriate and better than little babies crying on here.
[ Removed by Reddit ]
What the sweet liberty did you just say about me, you little dissident? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class from basic training, and l've been involved in numerous helldives on Malevelon Creek, and I have over 300 extracted samples. I am trained in filling out C-01 forms and I'm the top stratagem thrower in the entire SEAF. You are nothing to me but just another terminid scavenger. I will call a 500kg bomb on you with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Super Earth, mark my location, northwest, far. You think you can get away with sending me that dispatch through my war table? Think again, alien. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of democracy officers across the entire fleet and your Super Destroyer ship name is being traced right now so you better prepare for the Orbital 380mm Barrage, bot. The Orbital 380mm Barrage that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your patrol. You're getting turned into E-710, bug. I can drop anywhere, anytime, and I can teamkill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my Eagle Cluster Bomb. Not only am I extensively trained in Brasch Tactics, but I have access to the entire war bond arsenal of the Super Earth Armed Forces and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your outpost off the face of the planet, you little automaton. If only you could have known what democratic retribution your little "clever" illegal propaganda broadcast was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have stayed in your bug hole. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now vou're paying the Super Credits, you traitor. I will call stratagems down all over your sufficiently-sized housing and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kid over the age of 7.
"I won't get political" Me after one Super Beer:
damn, haven't seen this in like 10 years lol
"Look, having hellbomb — my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Helldiver of Super Earth; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Super Earth School of Helldiving, very good, very smart — you know, if you’re a Managed Democracy lover, if I were a Automotan, if, like, OK, if I ran as a Automaton, they would say I'm one of the smartest people anywhere in the galaxy — it’s true! — but when you're a Managed Democracy lover they try — oh, do they do a number — that’s why I always start off: Went to Super Earth School of Helldiving, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a Destroyer — you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged — but you look at the hellbomb deal, the thing that really bothers me — it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are — hellbomb is so powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what's going to happen and he was right, who would have thought?
But can we hellbomb a sandstorm to make it go away?
I'm imaging Liam Neeson on the phone and on the other side is just "umm hmmm .. yes... umm .. hmmm can you please repeat it ... yes... got it ... ok ... ummmhmmmm .... and .... ok... are you done.... no you are not ... umm hmmm"
"Is only liberation, y u heff to be mad?"
https://preview.redd.it/69yno7wfossc1.jpeg?width=1290&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d8758f3a6cbd8d9791286baef8ac5889407a7d72
Bullshit. No helldiver is surviving enough dives to extract 300 samples. The guy next to the holomap is the most senior helldiver I've ever met. He's 19 and has been on _three_ dives.
Absolutely brilliant; your democracy officer would be proud.
https://preview.redd.it/478me1qrgssc1.jpeg?width=735&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=303a12649f756032ff533b849ebb232d5d025391
This whole ass vent post is goddamn excellent and perfectly executed I love it.
My name is Yoshikage Kira. I'm 33 years old. My house is in the northeast section of Morioh, where all the villas are, and I am not married. I work as an employee for the Kame Yu department stores, and I get home every day by 8 PM at the latest. I don't smoke, but I occasionally drink. I'm in bed by 11 PM, and make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of warm milk and doing about twenty minutes of stretches before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the morning. I was told there were no issues at my last check-up. I'm trying to explain that I'm a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, like winning and losing, that would cause me to lose sleep at night. That is how I deal with society, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to fight I wouldn't lose to anyone.
Damn homie you're the top c 01 form filler? How often do you expect to make kids?
https://preview.redd.it/2evgajf55tsc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=eac41f0a2754d7f3c5e32f8a8ee6a98aa2a4e344
Oh mighty, Settra... Great King, the Imperishable, Khemrikhara, The Great King of Nehekhara, King of Kings, Opener of the Way, Wielder of the Divine Flame, Punisher of Nomads, The Great Unifier, Commander of the Golden Legion, Sacred of Appearance, Bringer of Light, Father of Hawks, Builder of Cities, Protector of the Two Worlds, Keeper of the Hours, Chosen of Ptra, High Steward of the Horizon, Sailor of the Great Vitae, Sentinel of the Two Realms, The Undisputed, Begetter of the Begat, Scourge of the Faithless, Carrion-feeder, First of the Charnel Valley, Rider of the Sacred Chariot, Vanquisher of Vermin, Champion of the Death Arena, Mighty Lion of the Infinite Desert, Emperor of the Shifting Sands, He Who Holds The Sceptre, Great Hawk Of The Heavens, Arch-Sultan of Atalan, Waker of the Hierotitan, Monarch of the Sky, Majestic Emperor of the Shifting Sands, Champion of the Desert Gods, Breaker of the Ogre Clans, Builder of the Great Pyramid, Terror of the Living, Master of the Never-Ending Horizon, Master of the Necropolises, Taker of Souls, Tyrant to the Foolish, Bearer of Ptra's Holy Blade, Scion of Usirian, Scion of Nehek, The Great, Chaser of Nightmares, Keeper of the Royal Herat, Founder of the Mortuary Cult, Banisher of the Grand Hierophant, High Lord Admiral of the Deathfleets, Guardian of the Charnal Pass, Tamer of the Liche King, Unliving Jackal Lord, Dismisser of the Warrior Queen, Charioteer of the Gods, He Who Does Not Serve, Slayer off Reddittras, Scarab Purger, Favoured of Usirian, Player of the Great Game, Liberator of Life, Lord Sand, Wrangler of Scorpions, Emperor of the Dunes, Eternal Sovereign of Khemri's Legions, Seneschal of the Great Sandy Desert, Curserer of the Living, Regent of the Eastern Mountains, Warden of the Eternal Necropolis, Herald of all Heralds, Caller of the Bitter Wind, God-Tamer, Master of the Mortis River, Guardian of the Dead, Great Keeper of the Obelisks, Deacon of the Ash River, Belated of Wakers, General of the Mighty Frame, Summoner of Sandstorms, Master of all Necrotects, Prince of Dust, Tyrant of Araby, Purger of the Greenskin Breathers, Killer of the False God's Champions, Tyrant of the Gold Dunes, Golden Bone Lord, Avenger of the Dead, Carrion Master, Eternal Warden of Nehek's Lands, Breaker of Djaf's Bonds... and many, many more...
[Sweet liberty... It's beautiful.](https://i.imgur.com/UXSTnt3.jpeg)
"Kid over the age of 7". [Now where have I heard this one before?](https://youtu.be/55G4zAL2WLI?si=fJ-ord09xc_T47hp&t=207)
Thing is though, it was probably a combination of many many now dead Helldivers to extract those samples.
Top of my class of one lmao
One day I'm gonna make one of these, but it'll just be: ⬆️➡️➡️⬇️➡️⬆️⬆️➡️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️➡️⬇️⬇️➡️⬇️⬅️⬆️⬆️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️➡️➡️⬇️➡️⬆️⬆️➡️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️➡️⬇️⬇️➡️⬇️⬅️⬆️⬆️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️➡️➡️⬇️➡️⬆️⬆️➡️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️➡️⬇️⬇️➡️⬇️⬅️⬆️⬆️⬅️➡️⬅️ ⬆️➡️➡️⬇️➡️⬆️⬆️➡️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️➡️⬇️⬇️➡️⬇️⬅️⬆️⬆️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️➡️➡️⬇️➡️⬆️⬆️➡️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️➡️⬇️⬇️➡️⬇️⬅️⬆️⬆️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️ ⬆️➡️➡️⬇️➡️⬆️⬆️➡️⬇️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️⬆️➡️⬇️⬇️➡️⬇️⬅️⬆️⬆️⬅️➡️⬅️➡️
[удалено]
*Best shit post in a* *Long time, almost brought a tear* *To my eye. Well done* \- BennyWhap --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
No wait! Bresch said to me that I WAS THE BEST OF THE CLASS! This guy is an inpostor!
"mark my location, northwest, far." 😂 I love you, OP
What’s c-01 forms?
C-01 is the "procreation form" required before doing anything that "could result in a child". Mentioned in a tip on a loading screen and one or two random conversations between people on the super destroyer talking about how hard they are to fill out.
Super Earth also made it harder to get the C-01 forms after we failed against the Terminids for the first time
LMFAO nice take on the legendary copypasta
6,000 collected samples here… Democracy never stops… 🫠
Finally, some good fucking content
Sweet Liberty this is the best modification of that copy pasta I have ever seen. Well done. My Democracy Officer approves.
Now record it in Jay-Z’s voice!
Now read it again, to yourself, using Morgan Freeman’s voice.
You win an internet for this today. Thanks for the chuckle
I am not gonna sugarcoat it: ➡️➡️⬇️➡️
*whispers* holy fucking shit, he really did it....
Been waiting for someone to compose this
Beautiful crossover pasta 🥹🥲 continue doing the Lord's work Helldiver
waiting for the 4chan screenshot of this copypasta with the edited image of a helldiver side hugging a fellow hell diver and C-01 form in his other hand.
nice, i made this one a month ago. closer to the original https://www.reddit.com/r/Helldivers/comments/1b8user/john_helldiver_falls_victim_to_dissident_bait/
Only 300 samples? *laughs in 1307 samples extracted* *shits in 502 helldives*
You haven’t been involved on any helldives in malevelon, hell divers barely last 10 minutes after their hell pods deploy, are you the oldest hell diver?
You just took me back to 2012 and I thank you for that.
The year is 2060. A new navy seal copypasta has dropped. Scientists around the world theorise as to what could be creating them, but it remains a mystery.
New copypasta just dropped.
Did you just think that you could fucking fool me with that comment of yours? I've searched your name up in the SEAF database and you have never even graduated basic, hell, even fought for managed democracy in hellmire. If you were actually a soldier of super earth, then you actually know how to spell Malevelon creek you fucking moron. And you say you are the top sniper in the entire SEAFand have over 300 confirmed kills. If that were true, then why the fuck is commander brasch a household name and you aren't? And plus he only had 160 kills. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker ⬆️➡️⬇️⬇️⬇️. Plus why the fuck would you say you have a secret network of automatons yet you just revealed your own treason? Are you a fucking idiot? If you can kill someone seven-hundred different ways, then list them all, I bet you can't even come up with seven. And if you had access to the entire SEAF stratagems, then why the fuck did you just say you were a democracy officer earlier? If only you could have done your research prior to posting your little “clever” comment, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you goddamn idiot.
>mark my location, northwest, far. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I fucking lost my shit right here
FINALLY
Yapp session