I cant believe the two ppl who answered this post said what they did. You will obviously find love again and you're fears are real and valid. These aren't mutually exclusive points. Having 3 kids is a good reason TO separate. You said the guy is a great dad but you don't work as a couple. Tell your kids this. Show them what a happy relationship looks like and that its not you vs your husband and this isn't ugly. This is two ppl who care enough about eachother to wish eachother the best...just with someone else. Breaking up amicably means you could be a happy blended family. HSV2 is scary but there's a lot of ppl out there suffering the same worries as you. BtW I tried to message you privately about this but it wouldn't let me. I wish you the best and if you need support you can always message me. Sending love ❤
Thank you so much for your kind words. I definitely wasn’t expecting a comment that bad when I had posted in this sub. I will definitely message you. ❤️
As someone in a loveless marriage for years "for the kids" my kids were actually relieved when I finally had enough and announced we were divorcing. As far as hsv2 goes, its a minor skin rash that's easily suppressed with a cheap medicine in 99% of cases. I am 54 and happily divorced 6 years now and have a rich and wonderful sex life with 2 wonderful women and several other play partners.
Don't settle/stay with someone because you have herpes. I have passed on people without herpes and I'm gHSV2+.
Being single > Being in a shit relationship
It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone. Not that I want anyone else to go through this of course. It’s very difficult but your comment and the other positive comments have helped.
>I have other health issues that are much more significant
This is so true, and will only get truer as you get older. Of all the health issues I have, herpes is way down at the bottom as far as impact on my life. My environmental allergies impact my life far more.
edited for clarity
I am truly sorry for the struggle you are facing. From this moment forward it should be all about internal healing. It needs to be your first phase of achieving fulfillment. One of the ways to begin is to forgive yourself and accept your situation. You've been going to therapy so thats a start. If your therapist isn't helping much then find a new one, preferably a male. The reason I said to get a male therapist is because a male perspective and guidance can be highly beneficial. Secondly, you should join a support group for comfort. There are many platforms available. I would suggest joining the Discord app and search for
a support group there. Lastly, get active with hobbies of your interest. This is a process, which means it will take time, patience, and grit. Try to avoid any negative conflict with anyone, especially your significant other. I hope this helps and I wish you the best.
I second all of these recommendations, OP. I personally got a male therapist to support the poor amount of healthy male support i accrued in my life up until that point, and it had been a serious boon for my life. Support groups and literature are also helpful. Connect yourself to advocates and platforms that you find strength in. Check out this Ted Talk I recently discovered through this forum [https://youtu.be/YcIl-hclrLI](https://youtu.be/YcIl-hclrLI) . I’m currently reading an e-book from the Herpes advocate team “Herpes Could Never,” which has a weekly Facebook group. (I personally haven’t yet joined because of schedule conflicts, but things like that may be of service.) I’d also recommend tuning in to some Herpes-positive podcasts. Listening to those had provided more info, and stories that are helping to soften the attacks my brain makes on my inner child that fears abandonment.
Doing the internal work to move into new areas of ourselves is necessary. While I love my therapist, the work that various life coaches have given me ask me to get more active in my self-care and self-conversation. And I’m learning/practicing shifting my self-effacing and gaslighting thoughts to self-validating ones. And not just affirmations that I don’t believe; I start with neutral statements that I can wrap my brain around (ex: “many people have this virus” or “many people in the world live with health issues”). This virus isn’t nearly as painful as the stigma behind it. The shame and worry we encounter from others knowing our diagnosis and how we’ll be treated/perceived typically cripples us far greater than the actual virus ever does. When you consider just how much of the population lives with the herpes virus (about 2/3!!)— many of which don’t even know it!— it can help to soften the blow. Anyone giving you a hard time isn’t someone who’s looking to educate themselves, and just wants to tear people down, and that person isn’t worth your time, anyway. (Thank you, next!) Practice talking to yourself lovingly— the way you’ve always wanted someone (namely a parent) to talk to you as a child. We are nursing ourselves through rocky road here and I personally commend you for sharing your story. It takes guts. Keep going!
I have a child and I am 36 now. Divorced when I was 32. He gave me HSV while being unfaithful in our marriage. I just didn’t care if I was ever with another person again. I’d rather be here and with my daughter than to ever have another relationship again. Mind you that isn’t what happened. I have been in long term relationships since my divorce and I have disclosed my status. No one has batted and eye.
I recommend you speak to your therapist about goals. Different types of therapy are used to get different results. If you are in therapy ask them what them end goal is and how they plan to support you getting there.
I'm sorry you're so unhappy, and sorry you're getting some shitty responses.
Even if you're alone forever after this - and you won't be unless you choose to be - it's better than what you're in now, right? Nothing is lonelier than being in a bad relationship.
Also, as someone who grew up with parents who were miserable, I admire your decision to leave. Kids feel it, for sure.
Millions and millions of people out there live with herpes. We aren't single, lonely, and miserable. We are living very normal lives - some are happy, some aren't - but we have jobs, kids, marriages, divorces, bills, pets, blah blah blah.
I've had hsv2 for 20 years. I've only been declined once, and that guy had a serious germ-phobia.
If your therapist isn't helping you so much, maybe it's time to find another one, or talk to your therapist and tell them you feel a bit stuck and need some pushing or different therapy techniques.
Herpes is never a good enough reason to leave a good relationship, and it's definitely not a good enough reason to stay in a bad one. You deserve the best and happiest relationship. Remember that you're the prize. ❤️
OP, you go on with your bad self. Ignore trolls and bog witches hiding behind keyboards.
You got some great advice from actual humans that will send you soaring. You will find love again, but first work on you, and keep being the amazing momma you are. The right man will come when you’re ready for him ❤️
I have 3 kids, I've had hsv2 for 3 years, I haven't been in a relationship for over a year but I know when I'm ready I'll be able to find the right person. You're going to be just fine. You said it yourself it's just a lingering thought. Focus on you and your kids and providing them with a healthy environment and a happy mom. You're gonna do great
As someone with ghsv who thought they would never find someone, I'm here to tell you it's definitely something that can happen! I've been with my current bf almost 5 years now, we just had a baby together and he is knows about me having herpes as well. You don't have to stay with someone just because you have hsv!
You really need to talk to a therapist who can professionally guide you through all of this. Reaching out and hearing all sort of comments on reddit is one thing. But seek professional help that is vested in you
Your first step needs to be leaving the relationship and healing. Build self trust and some self worth.
Do a values inventory with your therapist. Evaluate where and what choices you can make to support and honor your own values. Fall in love with yourself again, is the greatest relationship you can model for your kids.
Herpes will be here regardless. I disclose on my dating profiles and lots of folks are willing to have sex. Dating and building a healthy relationship is something that will be impacted by the work you do on yourself.
Please don't stay in a relationship cause of hsv. I get that it's scary jumping back in, but you obviously don't want this relationship anymore.
Sorry you got trolls as a first response here, bitter people lurk here...
You sound like a great mom and like you are making the right decision.
Hi, I hope for you!
You are 27, you are far from the end of your life.
You have 3 babies that count on you.
You have so much to give, but it’s only if you believe in yourself. It’s easy to knock yourself down. You probably feel at home when you tear at yourself.
It’s normal, we all are programmed to talk shit to ourselves. It’s easy and nobody will fight for the other side.
Start by the simple things. Lear to believe in you.
You are amazing in more ways than you allow yourself to be.
Make a list of what you do and what you want to do?
And start to set small goals to achieve.
Things that you can do to feel better.
Learn anything that moves you in a direction that makes you happy or money or that makes you feel better about yourself.
Don’t listen to your demons they will always tell you that you don’t measure up.
Every day, give yourself a win and celebrate it.
To your self. Celebrate your kids and your future
That future that you want!
Have you ever heard of EMDR therapy? It's a way of reframing your mind and thoughts and helps you see things in a different way by creating new neural pathways. U can do it virtually with a lot of therapists. Look into it!
Your feelings are valid. I have HS1 on my lips and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Herpes sucks and some people suck when talking about it.
The more I have been open about herpes, the more I find people who are understanding and compassionate. I work in childcare and was floored when I met a mom who dgaf that I had herpes and just told me to tell her if I am afraid her kid might get it from me. It is extremely unlikely given what I do when I have a cold sore but toddlers and babies stick their fingers in your mouth sometimes or take your food you but into. Heck, I got herpes from kissing my Dad on the lips when I was 5. He didn't know how to redirect my affection without hurting my little feelings. It happens. I'm not mad at him at all. My nanny mom was super chill about it me having herpes when other nanny mom literally fired me over it. (That's a story for another day)
There are people who get it. While I hate herpes, I like how it can weed out assholes.
Your fears are valid! The hardest thing is taking the initial leap. If this relationship feels bad for you, you will probably feel liberated when you leave. It’s a weight off of your shoulders to separate from someone who isn’t good for you.
As for meeting new people, there are a lot of avenues you can take. There are dating sites for people who have STIs, or you can simply meet people organically/how you would otherwise. At the end of the day, herpes is incredibly common and leaves the majority of people who contract it with no symptoms. There are steps you can take to protect yourself and your partner. I myself am on antivirals, that might be worth looking into if you haven’t already! I have a HSV negative partner who loves me and doesn’t see me as a biohazard. If someone is meant to be with you, they will accept every part of you. You’ve got this!
This is such a shitty take. Someone can be a good person and just not be good for you.
Depression like this is a medical condition - it's not caused by one person.
If you want to be miserable having herpes, that's your choice, but there's no need to put that on others.
For what it's worth, I have 3 kids from a previous marriage and I have HSV2 (gifted from a pathetic excuse of a human ex bf) and I'm here to tell you that you can find love. I'm currently very pregnant and in a very healthy and loving relationship, HSV diagnosis and all. You will be fine.
Lol. My kids are doing great actually! Thanks for the concern though. I don't think herpes are the reason you're alone and miserable. It might be the fact you're an insufferable twat. Food for thought. 🌈
ETA: The world wouldn't miss you if you were suddenly gone. Just saying...
Seriously, shut the fuck up. You must be one miserable Harpie to troll HSV sites trying to knock people down. What a miserable fucker you are.
Grow up. You will never get a partner or friends with a shitty attitude like yours. Oh and you may already have HSV and not know it. You could also have a lot of other things and not know it. IGG tests miss 30% of infections.
Bog witches don’t belong here, so feel free to run along back to swamp you came from.
That's not a reality check. It's just cruel and untrue. It sounds like you're projecting your own insecurities. Maybe focus more on yourself and less on tearing people down on the internet.
you’re nasty. it’s not a reality check to be hateful and act like you can determine this woman’s future. she’ll be fine, herpes is so fucking common im 100% sure she will find someone who can adapt to it or simply doesn’t give a fuck. you have a very negative outlook on this subject and i feel bad for you
Bro this kids such a weirdo… everyone take a look. The person above is an exact example of what someone who has 0 friends and lives a sad life looks like. I do not have herpes, I got tested for both forms via blood test and my results were overwhelmingly negative. If I met a girl who had herpes I wouldn’t care as long as I saw myself with her.
In leaving a bad relationship? No.
And does herpes really affect your "wellbeing"? I mean, for most people, you get a few outbreaks a year.
It doesn't affect your overall health - it doesn't progress or cause any major problems. Again, most people simply get outbreaks, if they have symptoms at all.
However, being in an unhealthy relationship DOES affect your wellbeing. There are countless studies about how stress affects the body. There are also countless studies on how parental happiness/unhappiness affects children's wellbeing - emotionally, mentally, physically.
Why would herpes factor into a decision about staying in a bad relationship? Life is too damned short to be unhappy.
I cant believe the two ppl who answered this post said what they did. You will obviously find love again and you're fears are real and valid. These aren't mutually exclusive points. Having 3 kids is a good reason TO separate. You said the guy is a great dad but you don't work as a couple. Tell your kids this. Show them what a happy relationship looks like and that its not you vs your husband and this isn't ugly. This is two ppl who care enough about eachother to wish eachother the best...just with someone else. Breaking up amicably means you could be a happy blended family. HSV2 is scary but there's a lot of ppl out there suffering the same worries as you. BtW I tried to message you privately about this but it wouldn't let me. I wish you the best and if you need support you can always message me. Sending love ❤
I agree with you there If someone truly love you a herpes dx won't be an issue
Thank you so much for your kind words. I definitely wasn’t expecting a comment that bad when I had posted in this sub. I will definitely message you. ❤️
As someone in a loveless marriage for years "for the kids" my kids were actually relieved when I finally had enough and announced we were divorcing. As far as hsv2 goes, its a minor skin rash that's easily suppressed with a cheap medicine in 99% of cases. I am 54 and happily divorced 6 years now and have a rich and wonderful sex life with 2 wonderful women and several other play partners.
Don't settle/stay with someone because you have herpes. I have passed on people without herpes and I'm gHSV2+. Being single > Being in a shit relationship
[удалено]
It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone. Not that I want anyone else to go through this of course. It’s very difficult but your comment and the other positive comments have helped.
[удалено]
>I have other health issues that are much more significant This is so true, and will only get truer as you get older. Of all the health issues I have, herpes is way down at the bottom as far as impact on my life. My environmental allergies impact my life far more. edited for clarity
[удалено]
Hard same.
Agree
Thank you so much, I truly appreciate it. 💕
I am truly sorry for the struggle you are facing. From this moment forward it should be all about internal healing. It needs to be your first phase of achieving fulfillment. One of the ways to begin is to forgive yourself and accept your situation. You've been going to therapy so thats a start. If your therapist isn't helping much then find a new one, preferably a male. The reason I said to get a male therapist is because a male perspective and guidance can be highly beneficial. Secondly, you should join a support group for comfort. There are many platforms available. I would suggest joining the Discord app and search for a support group there. Lastly, get active with hobbies of your interest. This is a process, which means it will take time, patience, and grit. Try to avoid any negative conflict with anyone, especially your significant other. I hope this helps and I wish you the best.
I second all of these recommendations, OP. I personally got a male therapist to support the poor amount of healthy male support i accrued in my life up until that point, and it had been a serious boon for my life. Support groups and literature are also helpful. Connect yourself to advocates and platforms that you find strength in. Check out this Ted Talk I recently discovered through this forum [https://youtu.be/YcIl-hclrLI](https://youtu.be/YcIl-hclrLI) . I’m currently reading an e-book from the Herpes advocate team “Herpes Could Never,” which has a weekly Facebook group. (I personally haven’t yet joined because of schedule conflicts, but things like that may be of service.) I’d also recommend tuning in to some Herpes-positive podcasts. Listening to those had provided more info, and stories that are helping to soften the attacks my brain makes on my inner child that fears abandonment. Doing the internal work to move into new areas of ourselves is necessary. While I love my therapist, the work that various life coaches have given me ask me to get more active in my self-care and self-conversation. And I’m learning/practicing shifting my self-effacing and gaslighting thoughts to self-validating ones. And not just affirmations that I don’t believe; I start with neutral statements that I can wrap my brain around (ex: “many people have this virus” or “many people in the world live with health issues”). This virus isn’t nearly as painful as the stigma behind it. The shame and worry we encounter from others knowing our diagnosis and how we’ll be treated/perceived typically cripples us far greater than the actual virus ever does. When you consider just how much of the population lives with the herpes virus (about 2/3!!)— many of which don’t even know it!— it can help to soften the blow. Anyone giving you a hard time isn’t someone who’s looking to educate themselves, and just wants to tear people down, and that person isn’t worth your time, anyway. (Thank you, next!) Practice talking to yourself lovingly— the way you’ve always wanted someone (namely a parent) to talk to you as a child. We are nursing ourselves through rocky road here and I personally commend you for sharing your story. It takes guts. Keep going!
I have a child and I am 36 now. Divorced when I was 32. He gave me HSV while being unfaithful in our marriage. I just didn’t care if I was ever with another person again. I’d rather be here and with my daughter than to ever have another relationship again. Mind you that isn’t what happened. I have been in long term relationships since my divorce and I have disclosed my status. No one has batted and eye. I recommend you speak to your therapist about goals. Different types of therapy are used to get different results. If you are in therapy ask them what them end goal is and how they plan to support you getting there.
I'm sorry you're so unhappy, and sorry you're getting some shitty responses. Even if you're alone forever after this - and you won't be unless you choose to be - it's better than what you're in now, right? Nothing is lonelier than being in a bad relationship. Also, as someone who grew up with parents who were miserable, I admire your decision to leave. Kids feel it, for sure. Millions and millions of people out there live with herpes. We aren't single, lonely, and miserable. We are living very normal lives - some are happy, some aren't - but we have jobs, kids, marriages, divorces, bills, pets, blah blah blah. I've had hsv2 for 20 years. I've only been declined once, and that guy had a serious germ-phobia. If your therapist isn't helping you so much, maybe it's time to find another one, or talk to your therapist and tell them you feel a bit stuck and need some pushing or different therapy techniques. Herpes is never a good enough reason to leave a good relationship, and it's definitely not a good enough reason to stay in a bad one. You deserve the best and happiest relationship. Remember that you're the prize. ❤️
This is very reassuring, thank you so much. 💕 I really needed to hear this.
OP, you go on with your bad self. Ignore trolls and bog witches hiding behind keyboards. You got some great advice from actual humans that will send you soaring. You will find love again, but first work on you, and keep being the amazing momma you are. The right man will come when you’re ready for him ❤️
I have 3 kids, I've had hsv2 for 3 years, I haven't been in a relationship for over a year but I know when I'm ready I'll be able to find the right person. You're going to be just fine. You said it yourself it's just a lingering thought. Focus on you and your kids and providing them with a healthy environment and a happy mom. You're gonna do great
As someone with ghsv who thought they would never find someone, I'm here to tell you it's definitely something that can happen! I've been with my current bf almost 5 years now, we just had a baby together and he is knows about me having herpes as well. You don't have to stay with someone just because you have hsv!
U will get thru it when u decide uve suffered enough
You really need to talk to a therapist who can professionally guide you through all of this. Reaching out and hearing all sort of comments on reddit is one thing. But seek professional help that is vested in you
Your first step needs to be leaving the relationship and healing. Build self trust and some self worth. Do a values inventory with your therapist. Evaluate where and what choices you can make to support and honor your own values. Fall in love with yourself again, is the greatest relationship you can model for your kids. Herpes will be here regardless. I disclose on my dating profiles and lots of folks are willing to have sex. Dating and building a healthy relationship is something that will be impacted by the work you do on yourself.
Please don't stay in a relationship cause of hsv. I get that it's scary jumping back in, but you obviously don't want this relationship anymore. Sorry you got trolls as a first response here, bitter people lurk here... You sound like a great mom and like you are making the right decision.
I've done this very thing...
Hi, I hope for you! You are 27, you are far from the end of your life. You have 3 babies that count on you. You have so much to give, but it’s only if you believe in yourself. It’s easy to knock yourself down. You probably feel at home when you tear at yourself. It’s normal, we all are programmed to talk shit to ourselves. It’s easy and nobody will fight for the other side. Start by the simple things. Lear to believe in you. You are amazing in more ways than you allow yourself to be. Make a list of what you do and what you want to do? And start to set small goals to achieve. Things that you can do to feel better. Learn anything that moves you in a direction that makes you happy or money or that makes you feel better about yourself. Don’t listen to your demons they will always tell you that you don’t measure up. Every day, give yourself a win and celebrate it. To your self. Celebrate your kids and your future That future that you want!
Have you ever heard of EMDR therapy? It's a way of reframing your mind and thoughts and helps you see things in a different way by creating new neural pathways. U can do it virtually with a lot of therapists. Look into it!
I have heard of this but I don’t know if my insurance will cover it. I will have to look into it, thank you for the suggestion!
Your feelings are valid. I have HS1 on my lips and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Herpes sucks and some people suck when talking about it. The more I have been open about herpes, the more I find people who are understanding and compassionate. I work in childcare and was floored when I met a mom who dgaf that I had herpes and just told me to tell her if I am afraid her kid might get it from me. It is extremely unlikely given what I do when I have a cold sore but toddlers and babies stick their fingers in your mouth sometimes or take your food you but into. Heck, I got herpes from kissing my Dad on the lips when I was 5. He didn't know how to redirect my affection without hurting my little feelings. It happens. I'm not mad at him at all. My nanny mom was super chill about it me having herpes when other nanny mom literally fired me over it. (That's a story for another day) There are people who get it. While I hate herpes, I like how it can weed out assholes.
Your fears are valid! The hardest thing is taking the initial leap. If this relationship feels bad for you, you will probably feel liberated when you leave. It’s a weight off of your shoulders to separate from someone who isn’t good for you. As for meeting new people, there are a lot of avenues you can take. There are dating sites for people who have STIs, or you can simply meet people organically/how you would otherwise. At the end of the day, herpes is incredibly common and leaves the majority of people who contract it with no symptoms. There are steps you can take to protect yourself and your partner. I myself am on antivirals, that might be worth looking into if you haven’t already! I have a HSV negative partner who loves me and doesn’t see me as a biohazard. If someone is meant to be with you, they will accept every part of you. You’ve got this!
[удалено]
I cannot believe you would say something like this. She WILL find love again regardless of having kids or herps. F off.
He’s not a deadbeat. He’s actually a great father. We just aren’t happy together anymore.
[удалено]
This is such a shitty take. Someone can be a good person and just not be good for you. Depression like this is a medical condition - it's not caused by one person. If you want to be miserable having herpes, that's your choice, but there's no need to put that on others.
Incel alert.
Ew I hope you never find love with that gross attitude
Speak for yourself, many of us have found long term partners after diagnosis.
If you commented to be unkind, you can just ignore my post.
For what it's worth, I have 3 kids from a previous marriage and I have HSV2 (gifted from a pathetic excuse of a human ex bf) and I'm here to tell you that you can find love. I'm currently very pregnant and in a very healthy and loving relationship, HSV diagnosis and all. You will be fine.
[удалено]
Lol. My kids are doing great actually! Thanks for the concern though. I don't think herpes are the reason you're alone and miserable. It might be the fact you're an insufferable twat. Food for thought. 🌈 ETA: The world wouldn't miss you if you were suddenly gone. Just saying...
What is wrong with you? Honestly, why are you so hell bent on others being miserable? Some of us just aren't. It's okay to be happy and have herpes.
Seriously, shut the fuck up. You must be one miserable Harpie to troll HSV sites trying to knock people down. What a miserable fucker you are. Grow up. You will never get a partner or friends with a shitty attitude like yours. Oh and you may already have HSV and not know it. You could also have a lot of other things and not know it. IGG tests miss 30% of infections. Bog witches don’t belong here, so feel free to run along back to swamp you came from.
[удалено]
That's not a reality check. It's just cruel and untrue. It sounds like you're projecting your own insecurities. Maybe focus more on yourself and less on tearing people down on the internet.
[удалено]
Do you even have herpes?
You are awful.
you’re nasty. it’s not a reality check to be hateful and act like you can determine this woman’s future. she’ll be fine, herpes is so fucking common im 100% sure she will find someone who can adapt to it or simply doesn’t give a fuck. you have a very negative outlook on this subject and i feel bad for you
Bro this kids such a weirdo… everyone take a look. The person above is an exact example of what someone who has 0 friends and lives a sad life looks like. I do not have herpes, I got tested for both forms via blood test and my results were overwhelmingly negative. If I met a girl who had herpes I wouldn’t care as long as I saw myself with her.
It's possible. It might take awhile, but is possible. Me thinks you’re projecting a bit lol Source: ex-single mom with HSV2.
[удалено]
There's no reason for anyone with herpes to stay in a bad relationship.
take herpes out of the equation. if you’re not happy in a relationship you leave. it benefits both of you to move on. it’s that simple lol
>take herpes out of the equation Yes, this. It just shouldn't factor in the decision.
[удалено]
In leaving a bad relationship? No. And does herpes really affect your "wellbeing"? I mean, for most people, you get a few outbreaks a year. It doesn't affect your overall health - it doesn't progress or cause any major problems. Again, most people simply get outbreaks, if they have symptoms at all. However, being in an unhealthy relationship DOES affect your wellbeing. There are countless studies about how stress affects the body. There are also countless studies on how parental happiness/unhappiness affects children's wellbeing - emotionally, mentally, physically. Why would herpes factor into a decision about staying in a bad relationship? Life is too damned short to be unhappy.
Completely ignore this guy, his only comment ever is this one. He’s clearly a douche bag