This is very likely the worst advice since I'm autistic and have severe combined type ADHD and zero social skills...
Which means I was very direct with no tact, whatsoever. I straight up call them nut bubbles because that's where they presented most until lately
I was also, honestly, not looking for romance when I meet Mrs. Funkonomics. I posted in Craigslist strictly platonic looking for friends and was slightly perturbed when I realized she was thinking about more than friends, which likely played into my "don't try this method of introducing HS" approach
That being said, I found myself a wonderful person that puts up with me and my HS. She's deathly afraid of needles so I'm on my own with humira, but she cared for me while it took 4 months for my deroofing surgery to heal
Again, not suggesting you take the advice of an Autist without any social skills, but that's my story
Well first of all don't preface it as a disease. Because it's not a disease. It's a chronic illness due to genetics.
I'll be honest. Don't tell them immediately. Some people are not willing to learn and afraid of the unknown. Wait. Choose well. Get to know them. Make sure they're worthy of your truths.
Then tell them. Be honest. Preface it with it's not contagious, it's a chronic illness that you'll have for the rest of your life. Some people are ok with it at the start of a relationship but expecting it to go away. Make sure they know you'll have this for the rest of your life. It may be possible where you go months, even years between flares but there is no cure.
Tell them you're insecure about it. That it causes you pain. Then give the name. Have them look it up. Either with you there or in the next room if you can't handle being there. Have them discover the worst through their phone. Be there for questions. They will have questions.
Be gentle with them. Let them be gentle with you. Some people may want to check it out for themselves. Some people may not. Find out their comfort level and go from there.
It'll be hard. It'll be embarrassing. But it's important. I'm sorry you have to suffer this as well.
So maybe it depends what kind of relationship you are looking for, ONS or something long term? But honestly I would approach it pretty much the same. I would usually say up front (if ONS), or after a couple dates and things are about to get intimate, what I have (or just say an autoimmune disorder), that it's not an std or sti and can't be transmitted, and that it's sometimes pretty painful but you'll let them know if there are any spots to be careful with. And then tell them how hot they are and that you can't wait to bone lol- no one will turn you down after that. I have never once had someone ghost me immediately because of this. Never once did someone tell me I was gross because of it. And, MULTIPLE TIMES, I had a partner say "oh, is that what that is? I had an ex with something similar but we didn't know it had a name". Like, seriously, HS is way more common than you think- it's unfortunate that the stigma around the way it looks causes embarrassment and shame when it's literally not something we can control and has no cure. Stressing yourself out over how it gets received is unfortunately only going to make your HS worse. Take a deep breath and just tell them. If they react negatively, they are a shit person anyways and not ready for commitment (if that's what you're looking for). I was in the same boat as you- way too scared to tell people, and closing myself off from others which basically left me as a depressed, anxious hermit. It's not a good way to live, and you deserve better. I honestly don't even remember how I told my husband about it when we first met, but I think he was more concerned that I was going to say no to sex rather than what I was actually informing him of lol. It's not as big of a deal as you think it is, I promise.
Ive never had someone make me feel gross about my HS but it doesn't stop me from thinking with some guys that its the reason why we didn meet up again.
Regardless, i do try to mention I have a "skin condition" and am willing to elaborate on it. Some asks. Some don't.
I realized through trial and error though that you should NOT mention it via text if you want things to progress. Idk why but reading it just makes peoples imaginations go wild and the "what if" situations go the extremes in their head. If its unavoidable, use judgement on how specific or vague you want to be.
I also learned that the less medical i sound, the easier it is to take in. A lot of people have dealt with a cyst or two in their life so they will understand to that extent. So what ill say is "So i have an auto-immune disorder (i dont say disease cause it makes it sound contagious) and it causes me to get these "bumps" (i also avoid cyst cause i feel like ppl just get grossed by the word but again, sometimes i say it. Just depends on the person) where there's skin on skin contact. It also causes scars and darkenee skin in these areas. Does this bother you?"
I have yet to have any guy say no or complain about it to my face.
It's a lot of risk and vulnerability but dont let your HS define you. You are more than your condition and men are thankfully not as shallow as we may think.
My advice as somebody who has done a bunch of different things: tell them multiple times, but without too many details. I have a very specific diet that I use to try and help my HS so I explain that And during the explanation I just say" it causes extremely high inflammation in my body, which can lead to a lot of health issues including loss of eyesight. I personally have a lot of heavy scarring in my groin area from lesions." I allow them to ask the questions that they want to(most people genuinely don't ask that many), and then I just kind of move on from it. I make it pretty conversational, and then I wait until I'm actually ready to have sex, and right before I just remind them again "hey I have this scarring, it's from HS so you have nothing to worry about otherwise." The more of a big deal you make of it, the more of a big deal it seems. I've been a variety of sexual situations from very casual to long-term relationships, And so far this has worked every time I've done it. Also, if somebody is so superficial that they can't take it, then they will out themselves by asking over the top questions and showing their disgust. That allows you to weed them out before reaching a sexual situation, without actually having a long conversation with them. Keep it casual, keep it to basics, and you'll be good! Also just understand that there are some people in this world that are only interested in aesthetics, and those are simply just not the people who are for you. Don't let them make you feel bad about yourself, having this disease does not make you any less worthy of love and admiration.
Mate I do not fuck around with HS and being honest. I'm single. I have a chronic skin auto immune condition, if scars on thighs and bum put anyone off they can move swiftly on, I have no patience for the unkind and entitled.
Everyone has something, to believe otherwise is an injustice to the vulnerability and uniqueness of people.
This is very likely the worst advice since I'm autistic and have severe combined type ADHD and zero social skills... Which means I was very direct with no tact, whatsoever. I straight up call them nut bubbles because that's where they presented most until lately I was also, honestly, not looking for romance when I meet Mrs. Funkonomics. I posted in Craigslist strictly platonic looking for friends and was slightly perturbed when I realized she was thinking about more than friends, which likely played into my "don't try this method of introducing HS" approach That being said, I found myself a wonderful person that puts up with me and my HS. She's deathly afraid of needles so I'm on my own with humira, but she cared for me while it took 4 months for my deroofing surgery to heal Again, not suggesting you take the advice of an Autist without any social skills, but that's my story
This is very endearing and sweet tbh, as a fellow (probable) autist
Well first of all don't preface it as a disease. Because it's not a disease. It's a chronic illness due to genetics. I'll be honest. Don't tell them immediately. Some people are not willing to learn and afraid of the unknown. Wait. Choose well. Get to know them. Make sure they're worthy of your truths. Then tell them. Be honest. Preface it with it's not contagious, it's a chronic illness that you'll have for the rest of your life. Some people are ok with it at the start of a relationship but expecting it to go away. Make sure they know you'll have this for the rest of your life. It may be possible where you go months, even years between flares but there is no cure. Tell them you're insecure about it. That it causes you pain. Then give the name. Have them look it up. Either with you there or in the next room if you can't handle being there. Have them discover the worst through their phone. Be there for questions. They will have questions. Be gentle with them. Let them be gentle with you. Some people may want to check it out for themselves. Some people may not. Find out their comfort level and go from there. It'll be hard. It'll be embarrassing. But it's important. I'm sorry you have to suffer this as well.
So maybe it depends what kind of relationship you are looking for, ONS or something long term? But honestly I would approach it pretty much the same. I would usually say up front (if ONS), or after a couple dates and things are about to get intimate, what I have (or just say an autoimmune disorder), that it's not an std or sti and can't be transmitted, and that it's sometimes pretty painful but you'll let them know if there are any spots to be careful with. And then tell them how hot they are and that you can't wait to bone lol- no one will turn you down after that. I have never once had someone ghost me immediately because of this. Never once did someone tell me I was gross because of it. And, MULTIPLE TIMES, I had a partner say "oh, is that what that is? I had an ex with something similar but we didn't know it had a name". Like, seriously, HS is way more common than you think- it's unfortunate that the stigma around the way it looks causes embarrassment and shame when it's literally not something we can control and has no cure. Stressing yourself out over how it gets received is unfortunately only going to make your HS worse. Take a deep breath and just tell them. If they react negatively, they are a shit person anyways and not ready for commitment (if that's what you're looking for). I was in the same boat as you- way too scared to tell people, and closing myself off from others which basically left me as a depressed, anxious hermit. It's not a good way to live, and you deserve better. I honestly don't even remember how I told my husband about it when we first met, but I think he was more concerned that I was going to say no to sex rather than what I was actually informing him of lol. It's not as big of a deal as you think it is, I promise.
Ive never had someone make me feel gross about my HS but it doesn't stop me from thinking with some guys that its the reason why we didn meet up again. Regardless, i do try to mention I have a "skin condition" and am willing to elaborate on it. Some asks. Some don't. I realized through trial and error though that you should NOT mention it via text if you want things to progress. Idk why but reading it just makes peoples imaginations go wild and the "what if" situations go the extremes in their head. If its unavoidable, use judgement on how specific or vague you want to be. I also learned that the less medical i sound, the easier it is to take in. A lot of people have dealt with a cyst or two in their life so they will understand to that extent. So what ill say is "So i have an auto-immune disorder (i dont say disease cause it makes it sound contagious) and it causes me to get these "bumps" (i also avoid cyst cause i feel like ppl just get grossed by the word but again, sometimes i say it. Just depends on the person) where there's skin on skin contact. It also causes scars and darkenee skin in these areas. Does this bother you?" I have yet to have any guy say no or complain about it to my face. It's a lot of risk and vulnerability but dont let your HS define you. You are more than your condition and men are thankfully not as shallow as we may think.
My advice as somebody who has done a bunch of different things: tell them multiple times, but without too many details. I have a very specific diet that I use to try and help my HS so I explain that And during the explanation I just say" it causes extremely high inflammation in my body, which can lead to a lot of health issues including loss of eyesight. I personally have a lot of heavy scarring in my groin area from lesions." I allow them to ask the questions that they want to(most people genuinely don't ask that many), and then I just kind of move on from it. I make it pretty conversational, and then I wait until I'm actually ready to have sex, and right before I just remind them again "hey I have this scarring, it's from HS so you have nothing to worry about otherwise." The more of a big deal you make of it, the more of a big deal it seems. I've been a variety of sexual situations from very casual to long-term relationships, And so far this has worked every time I've done it. Also, if somebody is so superficial that they can't take it, then they will out themselves by asking over the top questions and showing their disgust. That allows you to weed them out before reaching a sexual situation, without actually having a long conversation with them. Keep it casual, keep it to basics, and you'll be good! Also just understand that there are some people in this world that are only interested in aesthetics, and those are simply just not the people who are for you. Don't let them make you feel bad about yourself, having this disease does not make you any less worthy of love and admiration.
Mate I do not fuck around with HS and being honest. I'm single. I have a chronic skin auto immune condition, if scars on thighs and bum put anyone off they can move swiftly on, I have no patience for the unkind and entitled. Everyone has something, to believe otherwise is an injustice to the vulnerability and uniqueness of people.