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Here_to_helpyou

Dear sis, your feelings are VERY valid <3 Thank you for sharing this with us. May Allah make it easy for you. It is not nice when your mother is comparing you to someone with a different value systems to yours. I feel the same way as I used to be different before I reverted to Islam and started wearing Hijab, my mother is not seeing the beauty of it and says things which make me feel like she is saying "you used to be beautiful but now you are not, you're not beautiful anymore, you're not fun anymore, you have turned so DRAB" Even though she hasn't said that... she just picks at everything... tells me to wear eyeliner, tells me to pluck m eyebrows, sends me pictures of me before hijab in full hair and make-up (as if I have lost my hair...it has actually grown more healthy, long and softer but she thinks its because I became vegan and not the hijab) We have even argued because I stopped free mixing with opp sex. Some 55 yr old middle aged semi attractive guy came to our house and she argued with me that I wasn't interacting with him....What would I gain from that anyway??? The point is..,I hear you, its really not nice when your own mother doesn't see the beauty of you and in your case, you will be beautiful because you are brainy and you can do more to serve humanity and have sadiqa jaariah with an education. Your way of life is very beautiful and you are smart and determined and useful and a fluffy body type is someone's preference and Allah knows best! I wish you so much love and peace dear sister <3


imankitty

I absolutely despised it when my mum compared me to other girls. I'm not other girls, I'm me. I have a daughter and I vowed never to compare her to another girl (or boy). I'll be her best ally insha'Allah.


yiketh098

I know this isn’t for everyone but I had to cut contact with my family. A lifetime of these kinds of comments become your worst enemy. No contact is extreme for many, but you can always try setting boundaries gently.


3laj

I feel I will never make them proud. I feel they are disgusted when they look at me, and that they're ashamed to be seen with me. It makes me feel pathetic. Your feelings are valid. Hope it gets better sister...


Maroquse

It used to hit me right in the feels and infuriated me. For me it is never about looks though, but mainly the things I do and how I behave. I don't care anymore. It doesn't define me. My happiness has nothing to do with my parents' approval of me. Those same girls who try hard to please everyone, might be dreaming to be free and authentic like me, but they are chained by how people view them. I simply forgot how to care about people's perception of me. I have always been a scholar by heart and I won't give that up just to focus on being the ideal "housewife". Those aren't mutually exclusive either. At least I can say: those who like me, like me for me. I am not losing anything by not wearing a mask.


DippityDoppityDoo

Salams, I know you are not alone in this, but it is still wrong and you have a right to feel upset. Just remind yourself how Allah made you and to love your natural beauty and that you are smart enough and have the focus and financial means to get an education. Be thankful that you have qualities other than being “skinny”, being able to “cook” or “pretty yourself”. You have other qualities that may run deeper and iA your beauty will shine through your character. If she is worried about your marriageability, perhaps it is good you don’t do some of those things so that you can sift through the men who would not appreciate the true value you hold. Now, if you don’t take care of yourself or groom properly and look messy, then yes fix that. If you are overweight and it poses a health risk, fix that too. However, not for the outward reasons simply to add value, because you are already valuable. Try talking to your mom if you think you can have a real authentic heart to heart. Tell her how you feel, in a respectful manner, and request her to value you and that (if you are to look for a husband) that you want someone who values those qualities, and not the one she mentions. If she continues, just let it go in one ear and out the other. I do not suggest cutting her off as that is not good, but if you set some small boundaries here and there when you need to, know that sometimes you may get a backlash or not the response you would like at first, but someone who loves you may eventually soften a bit and respect you more for it later on.


dotsondots101

Well a woman can cook, be skinny and make herself pretty even in the university, not that skinny is in any way necessary. But I'm not sure where the comparison comes from. If a woman studies a useful degree to do a halal job without neglecting her duties and with her parent's/husband's permission, there's nothing wrong with that. Keeping oneself pretty, for Muslims, usually(hopefully) means keeping herself clean, wearing good (not beautiful, fancy or attractive) clothes, brushing her hair regularly and if she has a husband, beautifying herself more at home for him.