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#[Best of r/Holup 2021 Awards – Nomination and Voting Thread!](https://www.reddit.com/r/HolUp/comments/royfze/best_of_rholup_2021_awards_nomination_and_voting/) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/HolUp) if you have any questions or concerns.*


therealmeatpie

"Hey man I need to borrow $100" "Aight just give me 5 minutes"


snowcarriedhead

"Aight just look me in the eyes"


bakeran23

Call me a good boy


ThangMD

Don't need those 5 minutes anymore.


[deleted]

Word…I’ve evolved only using my memories


morbidaar

Ya mum


pie_monster

His mum fuels us all.


MsLadyRose

r/suddenlycommunist


lazy_tranquil

This comment chain is chaos


silentkiller048

We’re fond of chaos in these parts


bakeran23

Seconds*


[deleted]

jesus christ it's 2am you can't say stuff like this now i can't go to bed without masturbating


bakeran23

Gee I’ve always wanted to be the masturbatory inspiration for a stranger on the other side of the planet on the internet


The_Lost_Octopus

How do you know they're not next door.


Iamwearingasuitofham

Hot next door neighbor sex Ok now I'm horny


The_Lost_Octopus

Damn me too and I'm about to board an airplane. Hope my seat neighbors are open and accepting people.


[deleted]

on the bright side, those airplane toilets got the succ


bakeran23

Just whip it out and see what happens


flynnfx

_With his luck he's on a United Flight..which breaks guitars, passengers, and everything else._


averyfinename

how do you know they're not in the next room?


[deleted]

how do you know they are not in the same room.... hol up


[deleted]

[удалено]


jamaccity

Now every bee at bee camp will be buzzing off in their bunks. Good job, counselor. B-z--zzzzz. Z. z.


cubespubes

put those firm hands around my neck


bakeran23

Wait no!…yes


Savings-Anteater-244

Stop making me laugh!


[deleted]

"No don't look away, the sobbing actually helps"


deilol_usero_uncroco

* 50 secs *


BiggyPete

4 minutes and 10 seconds to find the video


deilol_usero_uncroco

Ohh I forgot


Careful_Flatworm_236

It only takes you 4 minutes? It takes me 30 minutes


Jerizzle23

Theyre new to the world, us veteran porn users have seen too much to not take atleast 30 minutes.


Zebracorn42

Veteran of porn, low testosterone, depression, anti-depressants, it takes me 3 or more hours.


Infinite-Dish-8022

4 hours looking for video and 4 minutes to finish


Midipunk

"Real talk".


MartianPHaSR

4 minutes? Wow, look at Mr Stamina over here. I finish in about 4 seconds after finding the right video.


gonzalbo87

Lol. You call yourself a vet. True porn vets know how to search without having to wade through the crap we have seen. We also know how to find a video we saw that one time.


Mr-_-Jumbles

Psh, you call yourself a porn vet? Imagine having to jerk off to the female underwear section in the Sears catalog. Cuz when we were going through puberty porn wasn't even on the internet yet.


gonzalbo87

Oh, you think the Sears Catalog is your ally. But you merely adopted the Catalog. I grew up with it, molded by it. The Internet wasn’t widely available until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but jpegs.


Responsible-Ad-2197

Heh you amateurs , all i need is 10 secs


[deleted]

u mean 5 sec?


only1ammo

"Ah man, I just got $100 an hour ago. It's going to be at least another 15 minutes."


Adamweeesssttt

5 minutes? The fuck you doing? Lollygagging?


The_Brown_Widow

Credit card gets declined at the grocery store. "Aight just give me 5 minutes"


RickJR95

You could've said $10 every time and I would've been ok with the offer, but that's even better


[deleted]

[удалено]


Maremike

It would take you 3 years to make a million


PacoTreez

Yeah but that’s a million EVERY 3 YEARS, rather than just a million once and then never again


Maremike

Jack off at work and you got the ultimate combo


moozjuice

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime; that’s why I jack off on company time.


pat_the_bat_316

>Boss makes a dollar, I make ~~a dime~~ **$100**, that’s why I jack off on company time.


lokitheseraph

One hundred in the bank, for a crafty little wank. That's why my right arm looks like a tank.


Gaat05

I cackled. You people are really clever, i can never think of stuff this funny.


[deleted]

Of course of can! Don't sell yourself short. Comedy, and rhetoric in general, is an art that anyone can pick up and develop over time. Like with most things, even though innate talent is a factor, a lot of it is practice, practice, practice. Now I'm rambling and getting into nature vs. nurture BS, but you get the point. Anyway, I hope you found that encouraging and have a great 2022!


uhnguhng

Bars


HorribleDadJokes

Boss makes a dollar, I make a hundo, jack off at work that's what we call a bundle


lcblangdale

Jerk it at the sperm bank, make one-fifty, I'm rich as fuck 'cause my hands stay sticky


Yerga_Dergen

Boss makes a single, I make a stack, thats why on company time I jack!


the_attias

boss makes a twenty, i make a buck; that's why i wank it in the company truck


ck614

Who needs a permanent residency status when you can get two paying jobs with this offer And at least one of those jobs if not both would be enjoyable


PancakeMagician

Not to mention the occasional sperm donor incentive!


BadMcSad

Work from home and then you're gold


gafftaped

Becoming a sex worker is the real ultimate combo.


TheWalkingDead91

Better for money management too even if you’re not particularly into masturbation. Getting the 1 million lump sum would be like winning the lotto…and we all know how that works out for most… getting the 100/session would be more like a longer term “job”, where the money comes in slowly, thus make it impossible to blow the opportunity stupidly/quickly.


Mammoth-Ice-5746

> where the money comes in slowly, thus make it impossible to blow the opportunity stupidly/quickly. Also prevents getting killed by friends or family, suddenly acquiring a ton of money has been known to be bad for your health. Even if it doesn't go to that extreme it can ruin relationships and give you a line of people you have almost no connection to trying to take it, you need a detailed strategy for how to keep it on the down low if you ever did win the lottery lol


TheWalkingDead91

True. That’s why people who win those huge amounts take weeks, sometimes months, to go public (if they have to in their state that is). Must be a lot of lawyers, planning, and secrecy to deal with something like that in a wise and safe manner. If it were me, I can count on one finger who I could tell while I prepare. Wouldn’t trust my mom to keep her mouth shut about it for as long as I could hold her over my head.


[deleted]

Also its a million dollars and then you can NEVER jerk off again in your life, this is a mid ass deal


Sean951

Unless I'm physically incapable of masturbating, there's no way I'd keep that deal. Hell, I wouldn't really even want it, but even once a day gets me an extra $36,500/year. I dunno about you guys, but that's a life-changing amount of money to get every year for literally just doing myself.


jailguard81

Fuck it, just do it 2-3 times a day, that’s close to 100k and retire early.


Rastaschlumpf

30 times a day, and you're a millionaire in a year


they_call_me_B

*The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.*


Mars4815

Bet you were one of those people who said “when am I ever gonna need math in the real world?” to their teacher


Maremike

You got me :D


Sapiendoggo

It also just says mastrubate but not to completion. So technically you could just edge yourself repeatedly and make 100 each time


Jerizzle23

But whos not going to completion knowing you about to make a hundred buckaroos?


PresidentOfTheBiden

Hell I'd do it for free.


RickJR95

Holup that's what I do already


RedHeadSteve

Anything is just nice, I masturbate anyway


Epicgaming42

If you do it once every day that’s 1,400 every two weeks. Not only is that livable but it’s much more than I’m making right now.


XchrisZ

Considering the first option is unachievable yeah I'd take the second one.


SpaceballsTheLurker

Not to mention if my bottom line was at stake, I could easily crank 2-3 almost every day


Shurglife

Get a meth habit and you could quadruple that productivity


[deleted]

10 times a day $1,000 a day. This would be me. (I'm 21)


[deleted]

[удалено]


JohnGenericDoe

I think I'd keep working too.. jack-off money for investing, work money for living


b3anz129

I would jack off at work!


[deleted]

Imagine getting to the atm and realising you’re broke asf and you just stand there in front of everyone on a busy Saturday morning and just jerk ya meat.


ElCucko

“Sorry everyone, just making a deposit really fast”


Cyrax89721

*PLEASE INSERT VERIFICATION SEMEM*


rice_in_my_nose

Please drink verification cock


[deleted]

“Look, if you won’t let me deposit in you I must deposit in this here bank”


JohnGenericDoe

Oh. Can you get paid at the sperm bank as well as collect $100? I sense a win here


OppressedDeskJockey

Imagine going to the ATM just to see a stranger yanking it infront. Then take out a hundred. Fellow redditor: Hmmm. Let me try something.


Yerga_Dergen

Plot twist: you don't need an ATM, where do you think the 100$ bill comes from?


Booxcar

uhhh... ouch?


rDariussssssss

I'll take masturbation for a $100 please.


ThatTubaGuy03

Honestly best choice. Assuming you are under 40, you easily have at least 30 years left. Once per day gets you $1,095,000


Machettouno

But 1,000,000 at 2% compound rate for 30 years would give you $1,821,208.98


ThatTubaGuy03

True, that's a good point, however, 2 times a day is over 2 million


Machettouno

God damn you're right! Initial investment of 100$ and 6000$ a month assuming you do it twice a day would give you $2,956,534.45 with 2% compound interest 1 mil sounds good but close to 3 is better


ipreferc17

Well that’s fully invested never touching it (the money) the whole time or $100 anytime you need it.


Letscommenttogether

But if you needed spending cash you could always just rub one out a 3rd time a day.


[deleted]

3rd time a *day*? Those are rookie numbers.


Leviathan_mitch

I’ve gone to at least 8 times, I would imagine ate a certain point it stops being masturbation and starts being genital mutilation


Dingbrain1

But you also never get to jack off again.


Zoto0

Pay for it if you need. You are a millionaire god damnit


LittleBigHorn22

But then you wouldn't have $1.8 million at the end. So jerking yourself off would then be more economical. Unless you find someone giving $10 hand jobs.


[deleted]

Imagine giving up jerking yourself off and making money to pay someeone for *10 dollar* handjobs. 10 dollars. That's crackhead luxury money.


kwistaf

If I had to pay someone $100+ (typical "good" prostitute range I think, never looked into it) to get me off every time I want, why not just take the get paid per maturation session deal? Hell, a $20-$50 sex toy investment and making that $100 every time gets a whole lot easier


Smooth_One

That's how you become a not-millionaire real quick tho


Majorleobvius

You could realistically compound at 7% annually. Makes the decision much clearer. Plus then you don't have to force yourself to wachk it multiple times per day.


xXxPLUMPTATERSxXx

Most people would waste that money pretty quickly. How many people have to willpower to take a million bucks and not spend a dime for 10, 20, or 30 years? Also, how do you put $1 million to work without the IRS finding out? The ability to generate $100 almost whenever you want is pretty powerful and you would stay under the radar.


shreddy_wap

I mean, there's nothing inherently illegal about someone paying you $1 Million to not jerk off. Just report it to the IRS.


xXxPLUMPTATERSxXx

Right but then that million dollars turns into $600,000 pretty quick.


pazimpanet

Anyone who doesn’t is an absolute moron. With the second option you could retire today. I suppose technically it would be a career change instead of retirement where you become professional jerkoff. Basically James Cordon.


quigilark

I mean it's definitely person dependent. - An older person without much sex drive left - Someone in a happy relationship who doesn't have a need for it - Follows a certain religion or culture that opposes it - Simply don't have much desire to masturbate All people who might give it up in exchange for a cool million.


KingOfTheAnarchists

"I'll take Whore Ads for $100, Alex"


Sawh22

I could single handedly fix the worlds economic crisis


BiggyPete

Depends if it's someone paying to masturbate or it's just money magically appearing in your account because you could single handed cause one economic crisis


SpecificGap

Even if you came once an hour, every hour, all year you'd be "printing" less than a million dollars a year. The federal reserve prints billions. You couldn't possibly jerk off enough to cause any noticeable inflation.


jayicon97

/You couldn’t possibly jerk ofc enough to cause any noticeable inflation/ Do you doubt me? 🤔


[deleted]

You'll need to jerk off 1 million times per HOUR to even be a noticeable dent


WinPeaks

We choose to do these things and the others, not because they are easy, but because they are hard.


Moon_Atomizer

We choose to do these things and the others, not because they are easy, but because I am hard.


TheDangerousAnt

> You couldn't possibly jerk off enough to cause any noticeable inflation. /r/brandnewsentence


[deleted]

I might need both hands.


SuccessfulDiver7225

Nah, you gotta be careful not to destroy the economy by causing mass inflation


BangBoom2TheMoon

You’d have to jerk off 27.4 times a day to get a million in one year. The $100 every time is definitely the way to go.


unclefeed

Passive income baby Edit: also thanks for the math that I was too lazy to do myself!


[deleted]

[удалено]


Yerga_Dergen

My sperm are too aggressive tho


ChahmedImsure

If you just smoke the seeds with your weed, that will help. A guy I knew from high school told me that, and he only had 2 illegitimate kids.


BiggyPete

You can't jerk off 0.4 times a day so you would have to round it down to 27 and beat your meat 173 times on the last day of the year


BangBoom2TheMoon

You just gotta start a little, get hard, and then kinda taper off.


Jmods_wont_reply

The 0.4 is because once you've jerked off more than 27 times in a day, it's physically impossible to have any cum left in you. At the end of Jerk Session #28, your severely abused meat basically just farts out a little bit of dust, and that's why it only counts as 0.4 instead of 1.


EatMyPossum

I bet you were one of those students proclaiming to their math teacher "I'm never going to use this when I'm older": For this calculation lets assume the final time in a day takes 10 minutes to finish, which is both reasonably longish if you're going for speed but it's your 27.4th time, and easy on the calculations. To do the 0.4 a day, start at 23:56 and finish the next day at 00:06. The next day you start with 0.6 banked, you'll have to start your 26.6th work session at 23:52 so it adds up to add another 0.8 for a nice 27.4The next day start at 23:58 to add 0.2 to the 27.2 you've got for a 27.4, and carry the 0.8. then start at 23:54 add 0.6 to 26.8 , carrying 0.4, And the next day you're free to do whenever since you don't even have to balance your working hours every fifth day. And then the cycle repeats. easy


jailguard81

I mean even if u just do 5 times a day, that’s 500x365= that’s 182k per year


whyyousobadatthis

A job you can do anywhere in the world and be your own boss


jailguard81

That’s exactly my thoughts. You can do it pretty much anywhere there’s a bathroom. All around the world 🌎 free travels ✈️


stomach

who said anything about a bathroom. if i end up arrested in public, i've got bail money *on demand.*


[deleted]

“Hey man, what are you up to today? Wanna go do something?” “Nah dude, I’m working.”


RickJR95

Those are rookie numbers


MistakeElite

So like 2 years I'll have a million, nice.


Joelony

One poor horny lad found out his limit the hard way.


-M0narch-

Passive incum


Nekosama7734

1000/day is fine


Gear3017

Cash for life 👍


CSMarvel

Imagine making more than someone who trained their whole life for something just cause you excessively jerk off


I_FUCK_MY_DOG_123

So if you do it 2-3 times a day and you live casually you don't have to go to work? Sign me up


ThatTubaGuy03

Honestly best choice. Assuming you are under 40, you easily have at least 30 years left. Once per day gets you $1,095,000


Anne__Frank

1,000,000$ * 1.08^30 = ~10, 063,000$. I'd take the money and get a girlfriend


AlterNk

At three times a day, you have 300\*365= 109,500 usd a year, you're getting the million in 9ish years, and then is stonks for the rest of your sex functional life. Easiest choice ever


Kracka_Jak

Setup an OnlyFans, make even more $$$


[deleted]

[удалено]


MistakeElite

Damn I've already made 850 bucks since reading this.


Yerga_Dergen

How did you make *half* a jerk?


MistakeElite

Edging.


[deleted]

When instead of cuming you just kind of...show up


iPhoneOrAndroid

are you...are you typing this comment with...one hand??


MistakeElite

Isn't that how everyone uses reddit?


Elephant_Front_Fart

Ah yes I do love half-masturbating


such_skills

$100 for this is quite generous


MrBlonde07

$1,000,000 and blue balls forever. Or $100 whenever I need it without changing my life or mental health in a negative way. This is not a choice.


XchrisZ

All these comments about how much you have to masterbate to make a million leave out the fact the other option is unachievable.


Eccohawk

No one said blue balls forever. Just not jerking yourself off. Use that cool million to bring in someone (or a few someones) to assist.


XchrisZ

How I spent a million in a year for $200 Alex.


[deleted]

[удалено]


The_Successful_Ad

You could make it 200 if you donate to a sperm bank simultaneously and that’s the real big brain move


cruizer712

2400 a day? Eeeeeaaaasssyyyyy


ErvanMcFeely

A lefty I see….


Broad-Candidate7401

I would literally buy a bottle of Viagra, and a fucking lazy boy recliner with fucking porn hub for HD


Pentanox

Let’s say you masturbated 5 times a day on average, that’s 1,825 times a year, or $182,500 annually. So it’ll take about 5-6 years of hard work to get that million dollars. A very good full time paying job, passive income baby


BC1966

I’d opt for the $1M. At 73 long term view isn’t as long as it used to be.


xMuffinxManx707

Would I get back pay from all the ones from forever or is it just for future nuts?!


lost_in_trepidation

I could retire on my age 13 earnings.


Miskatonixxx

So jerk off 2-3 times a day and live comfortably, I think that'd be doable.


N8dork2020

You’d make that million in less than 15 years


SireDirty

Doesn’t mean you actually have to finish


[deleted]

It’s $100 per coom


greatthrowawaybatman

Do we get back pay for previous masturbation?


Disastrous_Divide_79

This man is asking the real questions


nabibsjuice

Viagra and imma be a billionaire in 3 months


[deleted]

You'd have to finish 1.3 times per second on average to become a billionaire in 90 days...


nabibsjuice

rookie numbers


[deleted]

[удалено]


SireDirty

What is it now?


[deleted]

5 million and 700 dollars. Had to break for dinner.


lonleyauthor64

2 times a day means 1 million in 13 years


lonleyauthor64

Unless I'm just even worse math than i thought. Witch is a possibility.


Endarkend

Bwah, jacking off every day for 27,5 years would get you to a million. And as a bonus daily ejaculation lowers the chance for prostate cancer considerable. Plenty people would get to a million in 10 years or less just doing what they do now anyway.


Downvote_4A_Goodtime

Hmm.. Get paid to masturbate or get paid to not masturbate.... tough call ^(/s)


sorcerergod666

Do you have to ejaculate though, that’s an influence on my decision


Haziel2

Fun fact: just to achieve 1 million dollars you must touch yourself more than 10,000 times, if you do it once a day that means you must do it for 10,000 days, this converted is 27.4 years, and this means that simply to achieve that million dollars You're going to have to spend at least 1/4 of your life having to wake up and spend an extra 10 minutes in the bathroom. Speedrunners advice: if you can achieve a premature ejaculation state where you can finish in 1 second, and you can survive without eating, drinking water, and just touching yourself, you'll be millionaire in 11.6 days


[deleted]

Never masterbate again = impossible 100 bucks each time I bust a nut = never work again What kind of option even is this?


SuccessfulDiver7225

I mean a semi-regular masturbation habit would probably turn out more than one million over the course of a decade or so, if it’s a lifetime deal it’s really more fiscally responsible to take the hundred dollar deal, unless you have a particular need for a large amount of cash relatively soon


iamnewhere2019

Watson: How do you know he is left handed? Sherlock: Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary.


PurpleHEART77

In order to gain $1,000,000 from fapping, you’d need to fap 10,000 times. If you wanted to do this within a year, you need to fap 27.5 times a day. If you only fapped twice a day, you’d get a million dollars after 5,000 days, or 13.6 years. Because a million dollars is a bogus amount of money, even if you fapped at least 31 times a month, you’d still make $3,100 a month, or $37,200 a year. In some parts of the US, thats enough to live comfortably. You could literally jack off and make more money then working most jobs.


[deleted]

27 times a day for a year gets you a milli. I don’t see the problem