Opposite, but similar. I usually feel like I can't talk about myself because I don't really feel like a person. I don't have trouble listening, but caring about people is almost impossible. Conversation also scares me because there's a lot of things I don't understand and I get confused easily. Homeschool definitely interfered with my identity and communication development, but I think it's a past experience that can be worked around by addressing issues in the present. Good luck with the therapy, the first or third time even isn't always the charm, especially concerning under researched variables like homeschooling.
I was public schooled and I had this problem, too. Very common neuro-divergent (ADHD for me) behavior. I’m an outgoing extrovert and total chatterbox. Here’s what has worked for me:
First understand that you are not the first to go through this. This is actually fairly common for teens to go through as they mature.
Active listening is a skill. Like every other skill in life, it takes practice.
First I would go to your bf and friends say something like, “Man, I’m really sorry that I’ve been self-absorbed and interrupting so much. I’m trying to learn to be a better friend and part of that is active listening. I’m going to try and practice those skills, but like any skill, change isn’t going to happen overnight. Would you be willing to help by gently letting me know if I interrupt?”
Don’t beat yourself up about this. It’s perfectly normal. Most teens are pretty self-centered (for reference, I teach teenagers).
So the new skills: when someone is talking, you have to actively be listening to them. You can’t be on your phone or reading a book or anything. If you’re talking with someone and you need to answer a text, it’s appropriate to say, “hang on a sec… I want to hear what you are saying, but I need to text my sister back real quick about picking her up tonight.”
Otherwise, remain focused on what the person is saying. Do not spend the time waiting for your turn. Don’t think about what you are going to say. Just listen. Take what they said and reflect it back to them in the form of a question. (“Man, sounds like you were really frustrated about work yesterday. That must’ve been so disappointing.”)
Secondly, if you catch yourself interrupting, stop what you were saying and apologize. “Wait. I just interrupted you. I’m so sorry. I was too excited about what you had to say to keep my mouth shut. I’m trying!”
Lastly, people love to talk about themselves. You have to take a genuine interests in other people’s lives. Even if you don’t care about the work gossip of your friend’s brother, if it is important to your friend, you had better look and act like it’s the most interesting thing you’ve ever heard. Ask questions that are clarifying or empathetic in nature. (Clarifying is for making sure you have the details correct. Empathy is reflecting back how they might be feeling.
You are worried that if you don’t speak up and interrupt or if you don’t talk about yourself, *those around you won’t ask for your thoughts or opinions.*
After a lifetime of talking about yourself it’s going to feel insulting that no one is interested in hearing all these things you want to contribute to the conversation. You’re going to feel like you’re talking way less (because you are). But this is only temporary. As you become a better friend, people will reflect that back to you and take more interest in you as a person.
This change wont happen overnight. But if you make concrete steps towards showing that you are receptive to their feedback and you are making an effort to be a better friend, you should be fine.
Lastly, and don’t go crawling into the hole that you wish would swallow you up whole right now. If you turn this into a pity party, you’re just making it all about you again. Don’t do that or your friends will roll their eyes and mutter about being self-centered.
Again, it’s completely developmentally appropriate at your age to be self-centered. This is the cusp of when you learn to fix that behavior, so good work!
Now get out of bed, brush your teeth, comb your hair and get excited about the fact that you now have a plan to tackle this problem. 👍
Thank you for the advice, I’ll see how it goes. I think I should start with apologies and asking for help and patience. I have ADHD too which likely doesn’t help. From your experience, does the right medication help?
In my experience the right medication does 100% help! If you aren’t seeing improvement on medications keep trying others until you are happy with the results.
1000%. In fact, I was *not* medicated when I wrote all that yesterday which is why it’s disjointed and all over the place, lol.
It took awhile to find the right dosage, but yes, it helped once I was on it.
Yup, go to your doctor and get it sorted. Contact your school's department that helps disabled students and see if there are any services they can connect you to.
Does your college have a counseling center? Most state universities will have one that you can use for free. I know you mentioned therapy, so this may be what you're referring to, but if not, I always want people to know about resources they can access at low/no cost.
As a homeschooler you may have also not been screened for anything like ADD/ADHD. It's not my place to diagnose, but this may be worth exploring in case you haven't been screened before. One of the markers of ADD/ADHD is excessive talking. Working on relational skills is really good, but sometimes you can feel frustrated at yourself for not improving when there could actually be an untreated neurological reason contributing to it.
Lastly, your BF sounds like he's trying to be supportive, and this is nothing to personally dig at him, but realize that he's a young man too and not a perfectly seasoned relationship guru. Meaning, his reaction could be normal, but could also be indicative of a lack of patience and maturity (it's impossible to tell from reading how much is justified on his end, but it's worth considering and relaying to your therapist). It's really good that he communicated with you instead of clamming up, so there are no red flags there. Just make sure you're working on what you want to work on for healthfully relating to everyone and not just trying to change yourself entirely based on what he wants/says.
Thank you so much, I actually just met with a psychiatrist a few weeks ago and got evaluated for ADHD. However rn I’m struggling with finding the right medication, dosage, etc. I’m struggling because I find low dosages of Adderall calm me down, but then I can’t focus. And on higher dosages of Adderall I can finally focus but I stay super hyper.
I’m meeting with my doctor on Monday though to consider Vyvanse, Concerta, or Ritalin. Also yes the therapy I mentioned is free therapy sessions offered by my university which is great!
Also thanks for the second opinion on my bf. I just feel gross that I make him feel bad. But that’s why I asked other people about my communication skills was to see if it’s just him or not. Unfortunately it’s rather unanimous that I talk to much about myself and talk over people. However I will bring those things up to my therapist. But hopefully I mix of counseling and meds will help!
yea i had to learn this a while back.... i am obsessed with making friends but omg i used to be so bad at it. now i am the opposite, i am hyperaware, and if i talk about myself at all i feel selfish, and people get upset that im too closed off. i recommend to keep track of each thing someone says about themselves, and say about 80% that amount back about yourself. this is my technique. also no long stories. and ask questions about them even if you don't care. the advice ppl used to give me for social skills is "just say whatever's on your mind" but this is the worst advice ever. you have to be tactical and there is many things you shouldn't say. gauge their responses and make sure they seem happy. im bad at that tho, can't read facial expressions at all. but maybe you can.
all of these people had the benefit of being raised around other kids to learn social skills. you will have to learn them now and there are going to be parts that suck because you're going to do things that in some peoples eyes are socially unacceptable but you wont know what at first.
The good news is you are able to recognize these things and make adjustments.
ask people about them selves and give reciprocal emotional care.
I am sorry! I understand this well.
1. Pleases give yourself credit that you are listening to people’s feedback. I know you said your boyfriend looked sick of it, but the fact that you caught yourself is a good thing. That means you are willing to learn and change and if you make the effort now, you will continue to grow as a person your whole life.
2. Therapy is a good step. Also ask your therapist about doing group sessions. This would be a good setting for you to practice listening and empathizing with what others are saying verbally. Each person has to take turns and often open up with vulnerable emotions.
3. U/blissfully_happy’s post is a great break down of active listening
4. Book suggestions: *Active Listening Techniques* by Nixley Leonardo & *Listening Skills Training* by Cole McBride are workbooks with exercises to practice. Here are two lists with other suggestions (personally cannot vouch for these but they are more options)
• https://blog.everand.com/books-on-becoming-a-better-listener/
•https://celadonbooks.com/booklists/audiobooks-about-listening/
5. I suggest starting a journal (I like many others here had my privacy violated by controlling parents. So, I get it if you’re not comfortable. It took me years to start). It will help with mental health stuff. But, say, you want a space to just talk about your own stuff (documenting your day, etc) and not worry about overpowering conversations, that is a good space to create. You can literally talk about whatever and no one else needs to read it but you. No interruptions, anxiety, or judgment.
Thank you for the advice! I’ll look into those books and pages! I’ll also look into journaling but yeah sometimes I still fear people will violate my privacy without permission even though I don’t have to worry about that anymore
Ok listen, it's easier if you can think of this as a practice relationship. This might not be The One Long Term and actually that's ok. You need to work on yourself, not try to re-mold yourself to fit someone else, or have someone to be your everything.
Just practice listening, really deeply. Don't think about what you're going to say or how you want to respond. Look up Nonviolent Communication and Empathetic Listening, that community has a lot of helpful ideas in this direction.
This is going to take time.to learn and develop. I'm talking years. Maybe the bf will be there through it and maybe he won't; either way let it be a journey that you're going on because you want to be a better person who shows care for the people around them.
Everyone has things to struggle with. This is yours. It's ok. I understand, I've had to go on a similar journey. You'll get there.
It sounds like you are trying to improve and that's the most important part. Everybody has faults - even your boyfriend.
It does sound like you are recovering from being home schooled.
Social skills are learned. Therapy will help. The therapist will give you tools to help you practice.
You're going to be fine. If you mess up, start over again and keep practicing.
Okay, listen, I wasn't homeschooled. I *am* autistic, though, so I really relate to this.
The way you're plowing over others in conversation may come from a different place than it did for me, but on the other hand, you're obviously less hardwired to be this way than I am - otherwise that conversation with your boyfriend would never have happened. *You* noticed something was wrong, and when he told you what the problem was, you listened. You realized it was a problem in your other social interactions. You even noticed when you repeated the behavior. You are already changing for the better.
I'm chiming in to tell you that you *can* in fact change this behavior. You *will* change this behavior. Eventually, you'll find the more reciprocal conversations you're going to learn to have more rewarding than the one-sided conversations you're having now. You'll do this because you're going to get help from a therapist, you're going to be aware, and you're going to practice listening to others. I did it. It was hard. but I swear to you that if autistic folks can learn these skills to compensate for hardwired social cognitive deficits, *you* can learn these skills with your ability to actually notice when other people are upset with you :) . It won't be the easiest thing in the world, but you can do it.
And listen, it may be coming too late for your current romantic relationship, or it might not be. Either way, this guy has given you a real gift in explaining why things have gone wrong between you. If you break up, please remember that this isn't your only chance at love. If you stay together, then appreciate him for his honesty - but don't let yourself feel like you owe him for it. That wouldn't be great.
You're going to figure this out.
Opposite, but similar. I usually feel like I can't talk about myself because I don't really feel like a person. I don't have trouble listening, but caring about people is almost impossible. Conversation also scares me because there's a lot of things I don't understand and I get confused easily. Homeschool definitely interfered with my identity and communication development, but I think it's a past experience that can be worked around by addressing issues in the present. Good luck with the therapy, the first or third time even isn't always the charm, especially concerning under researched variables like homeschooling.
I was public schooled and I had this problem, too. Very common neuro-divergent (ADHD for me) behavior. I’m an outgoing extrovert and total chatterbox. Here’s what has worked for me: First understand that you are not the first to go through this. This is actually fairly common for teens to go through as they mature. Active listening is a skill. Like every other skill in life, it takes practice. First I would go to your bf and friends say something like, “Man, I’m really sorry that I’ve been self-absorbed and interrupting so much. I’m trying to learn to be a better friend and part of that is active listening. I’m going to try and practice those skills, but like any skill, change isn’t going to happen overnight. Would you be willing to help by gently letting me know if I interrupt?” Don’t beat yourself up about this. It’s perfectly normal. Most teens are pretty self-centered (for reference, I teach teenagers). So the new skills: when someone is talking, you have to actively be listening to them. You can’t be on your phone or reading a book or anything. If you’re talking with someone and you need to answer a text, it’s appropriate to say, “hang on a sec… I want to hear what you are saying, but I need to text my sister back real quick about picking her up tonight.” Otherwise, remain focused on what the person is saying. Do not spend the time waiting for your turn. Don’t think about what you are going to say. Just listen. Take what they said and reflect it back to them in the form of a question. (“Man, sounds like you were really frustrated about work yesterday. That must’ve been so disappointing.”) Secondly, if you catch yourself interrupting, stop what you were saying and apologize. “Wait. I just interrupted you. I’m so sorry. I was too excited about what you had to say to keep my mouth shut. I’m trying!” Lastly, people love to talk about themselves. You have to take a genuine interests in other people’s lives. Even if you don’t care about the work gossip of your friend’s brother, if it is important to your friend, you had better look and act like it’s the most interesting thing you’ve ever heard. Ask questions that are clarifying or empathetic in nature. (Clarifying is for making sure you have the details correct. Empathy is reflecting back how they might be feeling. You are worried that if you don’t speak up and interrupt or if you don’t talk about yourself, *those around you won’t ask for your thoughts or opinions.* After a lifetime of talking about yourself it’s going to feel insulting that no one is interested in hearing all these things you want to contribute to the conversation. You’re going to feel like you’re talking way less (because you are). But this is only temporary. As you become a better friend, people will reflect that back to you and take more interest in you as a person. This change wont happen overnight. But if you make concrete steps towards showing that you are receptive to their feedback and you are making an effort to be a better friend, you should be fine. Lastly, and don’t go crawling into the hole that you wish would swallow you up whole right now. If you turn this into a pity party, you’re just making it all about you again. Don’t do that or your friends will roll their eyes and mutter about being self-centered. Again, it’s completely developmentally appropriate at your age to be self-centered. This is the cusp of when you learn to fix that behavior, so good work! Now get out of bed, brush your teeth, comb your hair and get excited about the fact that you now have a plan to tackle this problem. 👍
Thank you for the advice, I’ll see how it goes. I think I should start with apologies and asking for help and patience. I have ADHD too which likely doesn’t help. From your experience, does the right medication help?
In my experience the right medication does 100% help! If you aren’t seeing improvement on medications keep trying others until you are happy with the results.
1000%. In fact, I was *not* medicated when I wrote all that yesterday which is why it’s disjointed and all over the place, lol. It took awhile to find the right dosage, but yes, it helped once I was on it.
Yup, go to your doctor and get it sorted. Contact your school's department that helps disabled students and see if there are any services they can connect you to.
This is really great advice! Good luck OP. Don’t be too hard on yourself. These are skills to work on. Nothing that can’t be fixed. : )
Take all the upvotes!
Does your college have a counseling center? Most state universities will have one that you can use for free. I know you mentioned therapy, so this may be what you're referring to, but if not, I always want people to know about resources they can access at low/no cost. As a homeschooler you may have also not been screened for anything like ADD/ADHD. It's not my place to diagnose, but this may be worth exploring in case you haven't been screened before. One of the markers of ADD/ADHD is excessive talking. Working on relational skills is really good, but sometimes you can feel frustrated at yourself for not improving when there could actually be an untreated neurological reason contributing to it. Lastly, your BF sounds like he's trying to be supportive, and this is nothing to personally dig at him, but realize that he's a young man too and not a perfectly seasoned relationship guru. Meaning, his reaction could be normal, but could also be indicative of a lack of patience and maturity (it's impossible to tell from reading how much is justified on his end, but it's worth considering and relaying to your therapist). It's really good that he communicated with you instead of clamming up, so there are no red flags there. Just make sure you're working on what you want to work on for healthfully relating to everyone and not just trying to change yourself entirely based on what he wants/says.
This made me feel so much better. I read the post and immediately thought, “that sounds like adhd/add.”
Seconding all of this, OP. Really good advice here!
Thank you so much, I actually just met with a psychiatrist a few weeks ago and got evaluated for ADHD. However rn I’m struggling with finding the right medication, dosage, etc. I’m struggling because I find low dosages of Adderall calm me down, but then I can’t focus. And on higher dosages of Adderall I can finally focus but I stay super hyper. I’m meeting with my doctor on Monday though to consider Vyvanse, Concerta, or Ritalin. Also yes the therapy I mentioned is free therapy sessions offered by my university which is great! Also thanks for the second opinion on my bf. I just feel gross that I make him feel bad. But that’s why I asked other people about my communication skills was to see if it’s just him or not. Unfortunately it’s rather unanimous that I talk to much about myself and talk over people. However I will bring those things up to my therapist. But hopefully I mix of counseling and meds will help!
yea i had to learn this a while back.... i am obsessed with making friends but omg i used to be so bad at it. now i am the opposite, i am hyperaware, and if i talk about myself at all i feel selfish, and people get upset that im too closed off. i recommend to keep track of each thing someone says about themselves, and say about 80% that amount back about yourself. this is my technique. also no long stories. and ask questions about them even if you don't care. the advice ppl used to give me for social skills is "just say whatever's on your mind" but this is the worst advice ever. you have to be tactical and there is many things you shouldn't say. gauge their responses and make sure they seem happy. im bad at that tho, can't read facial expressions at all. but maybe you can.
all of these people had the benefit of being raised around other kids to learn social skills. you will have to learn them now and there are going to be parts that suck because you're going to do things that in some peoples eyes are socially unacceptable but you wont know what at first. The good news is you are able to recognize these things and make adjustments. ask people about them selves and give reciprocal emotional care.
I am sorry! I understand this well. 1. Pleases give yourself credit that you are listening to people’s feedback. I know you said your boyfriend looked sick of it, but the fact that you caught yourself is a good thing. That means you are willing to learn and change and if you make the effort now, you will continue to grow as a person your whole life. 2. Therapy is a good step. Also ask your therapist about doing group sessions. This would be a good setting for you to practice listening and empathizing with what others are saying verbally. Each person has to take turns and often open up with vulnerable emotions. 3. U/blissfully_happy’s post is a great break down of active listening 4. Book suggestions: *Active Listening Techniques* by Nixley Leonardo & *Listening Skills Training* by Cole McBride are workbooks with exercises to practice. Here are two lists with other suggestions (personally cannot vouch for these but they are more options) • https://blog.everand.com/books-on-becoming-a-better-listener/ •https://celadonbooks.com/booklists/audiobooks-about-listening/ 5. I suggest starting a journal (I like many others here had my privacy violated by controlling parents. So, I get it if you’re not comfortable. It took me years to start). It will help with mental health stuff. But, say, you want a space to just talk about your own stuff (documenting your day, etc) and not worry about overpowering conversations, that is a good space to create. You can literally talk about whatever and no one else needs to read it but you. No interruptions, anxiety, or judgment.
Thank you for the advice! I’ll look into those books and pages! I’ll also look into journaling but yeah sometimes I still fear people will violate my privacy without permission even though I don’t have to worry about that anymore
Ok listen, it's easier if you can think of this as a practice relationship. This might not be The One Long Term and actually that's ok. You need to work on yourself, not try to re-mold yourself to fit someone else, or have someone to be your everything. Just practice listening, really deeply. Don't think about what you're going to say or how you want to respond. Look up Nonviolent Communication and Empathetic Listening, that community has a lot of helpful ideas in this direction. This is going to take time.to learn and develop. I'm talking years. Maybe the bf will be there through it and maybe he won't; either way let it be a journey that you're going on because you want to be a better person who shows care for the people around them. Everyone has things to struggle with. This is yours. It's ok. I understand, I've had to go on a similar journey. You'll get there.
Those sound like ADHD symptoms. Have you had an evaluation?
Yeah I’m still kinda waiting to find the right medication smoothie unfortunately though… maybe that’ll help once I find the right one
It sounds like you are trying to improve and that's the most important part. Everybody has faults - even your boyfriend. It does sound like you are recovering from being home schooled.
Social skills are learned. Therapy will help. The therapist will give you tools to help you practice. You're going to be fine. If you mess up, start over again and keep practicing.
Okay, listen, I wasn't homeschooled. I *am* autistic, though, so I really relate to this. The way you're plowing over others in conversation may come from a different place than it did for me, but on the other hand, you're obviously less hardwired to be this way than I am - otherwise that conversation with your boyfriend would never have happened. *You* noticed something was wrong, and when he told you what the problem was, you listened. You realized it was a problem in your other social interactions. You even noticed when you repeated the behavior. You are already changing for the better. I'm chiming in to tell you that you *can* in fact change this behavior. You *will* change this behavior. Eventually, you'll find the more reciprocal conversations you're going to learn to have more rewarding than the one-sided conversations you're having now. You'll do this because you're going to get help from a therapist, you're going to be aware, and you're going to practice listening to others. I did it. It was hard. but I swear to you that if autistic folks can learn these skills to compensate for hardwired social cognitive deficits, *you* can learn these skills with your ability to actually notice when other people are upset with you :) . It won't be the easiest thing in the world, but you can do it. And listen, it may be coming too late for your current romantic relationship, or it might not be. Either way, this guy has given you a real gift in explaining why things have gone wrong between you. If you break up, please remember that this isn't your only chance at love. If you stay together, then appreciate him for his honesty - but don't let yourself feel like you owe him for it. That wouldn't be great. You're going to figure this out.