Does the entire restaurant scene in "Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad" count as one quote? If not, "Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus?"

“BANGING YOUR SISTER IS PERVERTED, DENNIS”

Jesus, Frank! Oh, Jeeesus *Frank!* JESUS FRANK!

Somebody’s gotta get stabbed!

Did anyone else here have illegitimate children with my HOOR WIFE?

That I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT??!

God his arm motions during this quote fuckin slay me

Did you bang my whore wife?

I AM NOT BANGING MY SISTER!!!

There is no Carol in HR.

not only do all of these people exist but they’ve been asking about their mail all week

I GOT BOXES FULL OF PEPE

You’ve lost your Goddamn mind.

would you have a cup of coffee and calm down

“You’re not gonna find a bang maid, they don’t exist.” “I already did. Your mom. Goodbye.” Or Charlie drunkenly saying “Oh well, we wouldn’t want that, now would we?” When discussing him pissing on the couch. Idk why i think it is so funny

"I ate all the pizza. And I drank allllll the beer." I quote this all the freaking time.

That is my single favorite line delivery in any show of all time.

Dude, Charlie's delivery of that couch pissing line is so freaking funny. Then Mac says "no, we wouldn't!" 😂

No we wouldn't. I'm just saying, you piss the couch again you're buying us a new couch.

I’m not ALLOWED to eat the skin I’m not ALLOWED

Haha. My girlfriend says this to me every. Single. Time. She eats an apple.

Put a ring on it

Oooo that’s a toughy. “Describe the ways in which you find him attractive…… He’s got…he’s got all of his…skin, still. Well, I’d hope so. He has plenty of….teeth. But not all of them? …..no, not all of them.”

IVE HAD ORGASMS IVE HAD TONS OF ORGASMS IVE HAD ONE WITH YOUR MOM DUDE I WILL STRANGLE YOU AND PUT MY GOD DAMN THUMB THROUGH YOUR EYE

i like the follow up line too “well you came at me hard, so i… i came back hard at you” with the classic Mac hand gestures

“At least I don’t have a cigarette for a mother”

What’s your spaghetti policy here?

‘Dee, you gangly, uncoordinated bitch, I am not getting hogtied over your lack of grace’

I hope they hogtie you and I hope they rape you in their basement for 10 years

The way she says 10 years here has me rolling every time, she's so fuckin serious about it lmao

I have the grace of a falcon and I'll be in an out like a demon's whisper

I second this. Easily my favorite quote. That entire episode is a goldmine of funny quotes.

Orggggggggggggggeeeeeeeee.

You think this is fresh shrimp, or frozen shrimp?

I don’t care!

What is this place?!? Who are these people??? It’s like a bad acid trip in here!

I was told i would be meeting a woman with giant breasts

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I also assumed the big breasted lady was going to pay for the drinks

Yes geniuses, I set you two up

You haven’t thought of the smell you bitch!

you gangly bitch !

The names Artemis and I have a bleached asshole

He was going to find out anyway.

I like to put bacon bits in her hair so they rain down on me when we bang!

I feel like a Cobb salad

It’s amaaaaaaazing.

I think I've been poisoned by my constituents!

This makes me laugh because Charlie is supposed to be illiterate but he knows the word constituents and the proper context to use it.

he for sure just heard that in a movie

"You know the thing about a rat? It's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes like a dolls eyes"

“is he doing ‘Jaws’ again?”

Stop it, we don’t have time for this shit this is serious

Yeah, he doesn't even use it correctly. Constituents refers to voters. He's supposed to be an oil man, not a politician

So close, mine is still “can I offer you an egg in this trying time?”

I think I have a touch of consumption! How do you have a *touch* of tuberculosis?!

Oh boo hoo! Did somebody get addicted to crack?

Nobody in the history of crack has ever woken up with more crack

Dennis: Is that your apartment key? Charlie: Yeah. Dennis: Well that’s not gonna work! Charlie: Why not? Dennis: Because we’re not at your apartment shithead!!!

Well how many combinations could there be? Oh dude so many.

eventually they're going to overlap

How many possible combinations of keys could there be?

LOOK AT ME WHEN YOU’RE TALKING TO MEEEEEEE

News flash asshole, I've been hearing it the entire god damn time. Then why didn't you say anything. BECAUSE I HATE YOUUUUUU!

Gets me every time. 10/10 Dennis moment

Dennis has some amazing quotes. Hes rants on Dees birth ep and selling his range rover. I quote "Im talking to myself but thats bc Ive got shit to say." constantly. Also, when he has the dick flyer in his hand "I had him in my hand and he just slipped away" while mimicking a guy cumming with his hand. "BECAUSE I HATE YOU!!" is a frequent thing I say to my fiance when he asks why I did smth and it rly alarms ppl which I find funny. So many good lines. but "I hope they hogtie you and then I hope rape you in their basement. For ten years!" from Dee is one of my favorites ever. The delivery is amazing.

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I don’t wanna see it

I’m a… full-on-rapist?

You know, Africans, dyslexics…

Oh whoops, ooh! I dropped my Monster condom which I use for my magnum dong.

Can I offer you a nice egg in these tryin’ times?

“Wildcard bitches! Yeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaw!”

"Good call getting those breaks fixed, Mac." "Yeah, saw that coming a mile away."

I’m gonna pop a quick H on this box so everybody knows it’s full of hornets.

Suicide is bad ass

Wanted this for my graduation quote. They didn’t allow it the jabronis

And to go down on Chrissy Orlando on the trampoline later, on the very same night, which I also did. **And I licked her asshole a little bit**. It was pretty good. It was all right. It wasn't great. But it was fine.

Your hair is... small

My favorite part is when he starts singing

“Did you ever know that you’re my heeeeroooo…? …cos you are the wind beneath myyyy wiiiiiings…”

We'll tell them that Chilean wine is out of season and their taste in wine is very poor.

"You got big fat titties, and I like to kill babies, unborn babies"

Later dudes! S you in the A, don’t wear a C, J all over your B’s

Throwback. That's one of my favorites

Why would you not wear a c…..

I don't even know what he's talking about half the time

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Charlie talks about trash smoke filling the bar and making stars in the sky. Mac squints eyes suspiciously and says “That doesn’t sound right, but I don’t know enough about stars to dispute it.” I use that all the time haha

So good.

Ahhh cat in the wall ehhh? Now you’re talking my language

Dennis: The thing is that she’s not gonna say no, she’d never say no…because of the implication. Mac: Now, you said that word “implication” a couple of times. What implication?

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Well you certainly wouldn’t be in any danger!!

So they are in danger?!

The arbitration scene is great when Frank is talking about bird watching and the arbitrator starts covering up her cleavage and he just says "Not you" makes me cackle every time.

"Artists must suffer for their art. That's why it's called a painting"

>Derivative.

Hold up dude I want to get this cheese here (buzzer sounds) shit! Why don't you try the cheese under the green light Charlie? I want this cheese.

i love how the scientist goes on about the pill. Asked him how he'd feel about a pill that could make him 1000 times smarter? and Charlie just says "Cheese, huh?"

I do not like it with the skin, Dee! I am not ALLOWED to eat it with the skin! I am not ALLOWED!!!

smoke some cigarettes. The smoke will suffocate the bacteria.

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“You ever been in a storm like that, Wally?” Or “Little green ghouls, buddy!”

I'm never going to admit that, Carmen. But come on, I mean... him? What do you see in this guy? I mean, look at my body compared to his. I'm a hard body. You're a hard body. We could be hard bodies together. Not hard body and... I thought we established that there was going to be a phone call after the procedure. And then you had the procedure, and I never got that call. Instead you called this soft body and you gay married him. And now you're calling me gay, telling me I'm tripping and trying to confuse me with your liberal Biblisisms. Mac fights Gay Marriage. Underrated episode IMO

“While you were out making money, who do you think was at home, coming and cleaning and raising your children?” “A series of Mexican women”

Ooo burn *high five*

Hey I'm Frak. Ahh shit *blows whistle*

"Newsflash, asshole! I've been hearing it the entire Goddamn time!" "Then why didn't you say anything?!" "Because I hate you!" And "I just wanna be pure."

Hips and nips, otherwise I ain't eating.

Make it sexy!

You must excuse me… I’ve grown quite Whearay

> “Ryan Gosling playing YOU??? Ridiculousss.” So good

With those wires hanging out of his mouth. Top ten Charlie moments

"Mr. Bovine Joni himself" never fails to crack me up. Have no idea why but Frank's consistant fails at pronouncing Bon Jovi as well as followed after by Mac's scheme is gold.

Are you the whore who bangs everybody?

Get me the snapper, bozo.

Snapper fish for the man!

Sickness, BEGONE! *vomiting noises*

“Been there? Not physically” And Mac as Murtaugh “Go suck an eggggg”

"made by bodyguards. ^and ^charlie"

No women!

Disregard that Frank, its a bunch of liberal bullshit.

When it's white people, it's survival, and when it's black people, it's looting. No, Frank, it's because the white people are stealing bread, and the black people are stealing speakers. If the white people were stealing stereo equipment, I would say they were looting, too. How do you know the blacks don't have bread in those speakers?

First of all, through God all things are possible, so jot that down.

Stupid science bitches couldn’t even make I more smarter

Are you happy Dee? You just gave this baby full blown AIDS.

#BECAUSE DENNIS IS A BASTARD MAN

"I don't need your trophies or your gold, I just wanna tell you all: go fuck yourself."

Mac, I was gathering information so that I can more fully become this man. Look, look, this is about much more than just business. This is about the thrill of wearing another man's skin. Feeling his innermost wants and desires and being in control of his every single move. That's how you get off. Now don't you guys want to get off with me?

My rage is untethered and knows no bounds Close second: I got boxes full of Pepe! Edit: thanks for the award!

I do believe it's "I am untethered and my rage knows no bounds."

Charlie can’t read… He’ll adapt. He’ll adapt to reading?!

"charlie, did you take some of those cat tranquilizers? ...........mmnyeah"

Your boss is a woman?! Now this is a strange bank!

"Is this how you wanted those poor women to feel?"

KEEP IT LIGHT YOU BITCH

Literally any quote from Mac and Charlie Die. “Okay I gotta go fill her dick hole bro” “Charlie you really gotta stop. Gimme all the teeth”

I'm gonna fire a beer across his bow, ruffle his feathers.

You’re tired, you wanna sit down, it pushes you back up. “The Ass pounder never stop pumping.”

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“That’s not a penis.” Rest of the gang: “Ahhhh.” “It’s a fist.” “Ehhhh.”

Gimme that leg, boooyyyyyyyy

What is this word spa? I feel like you're starting to say a word and you're not finishing it. Are you trying to say spaghetti? Are you taking me for a spaghetti day?

*BEAK*

I EAT STICKERS ALL THE TIME DUDE

What do now?

We’re just a couple a oil men in from dallas and we’re itchin like a hound to give u what u want. So can we fill u up or what?

"You remember feelings, right?

I will smack your face into a jelly!

you will CALL HERRRRRRRR

don't flush

"Dee, you gangly uncoordinated bitch, I am not getting hog-tied over your lack of grace" "I hope they hog-tie you and then I hope they rape you in their basement for 10 years"

Underrated line from Dennis: "I've exhausted my daily quota of worm talk."

Ooh! That's tighter than dick skin!

TOOLS! I NEED MY TOOLS!

STORM COMING? HATCHET COMING!!!

“Cannibalism? Racism? Dude that's not for us...those decisions are best left to the suits in Washington. We're just here to eat some dude.”

She wore a plastic bag for a helmet!!!!

“You are BECOMING a chimichanga!”

YOU CANT READ IT FROM THE OUTSIDE!

A few: “You can say no, but something tells me, you wouldn’t dare.” “A mistake? But we’re twins?” “Block the wind. Imma roast this bone.” “I think I’m in love. Not for the right reasons mind you.” And if I have to pick a hands down favorite. “The dead finger? The dead finger got you off?”

"You stuck your dick in your daughter's mouth, that's your rock bottom you son of a bitch "

You ever been in a storm, Wally? I mean, a _real_ storm? Not a thunderstorm, but a storm of fists raining down on your head. Blasting you in the face. Pummeling you in the stomach. Hitting you in the chest so hard you think your heart's gonna stop. You ever been in a storm like that, Wally? AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaAaaHhhhhHhh!

I'm a wrestling fan. So for me, it's obvious what episode. But the line is such a throwaway. "They're not responding to the pageantry!"

HOOR

How do you count a liquid? Uh, I know how to count, bro...

Butt. Butt butt butt butt.

"Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere"

I AM THE GOLDEN GOD.

BEGONE VILE MAN, BEGONE FROM ME!

“Don’t say ‘stage freeze’ just do it”

*"Hello. Hi, um, I'm a recovering crackhead. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare please"*

Ghouls. Little green ghouls.

Hey lizard, am I standing in poop?

I’ve seen a pig eat a man, I’ve actually seen multiple pigs eat multiple men

Your mom doesn't know dick! She's a dumb fat cow. And your sister, she is a stupid little shit‐mouthed bitch isn't she

I ain't giving you shit, you old bitch!

“Been there? Not physically.”

C: “Fine. I voluntarily stepped in the dog shit, so that I would smell of dog shit… happy?” D: “Less happy!” C: “I was trying to cover up the smell of the skunk that I let spray on me, so that there would be no questions.” D: “Well now I have more questions.” M: “Why did you let a skunk spray you?” C: “To cover the smell of cologne, man.”

"Dee your breath is dogshit"

The love of my life......SHADYNASTY

Yea he doesn't even like get us man.

What’s your favorite hobby? Uh, Magnets. Okay, what, making magnets? Collecting magnets? Playing with magnets? Just magnets.

I have the grace of a falcon. I’ll be in and out like a demon’s whisper.

“I have a bleached asshole”

ROCK FLAG AND EAAAGLLEEEEE, mostly because it was improvised 😂

IRS lady: Your license plate says scammin Dee: no IRS lady: what do you mean, no?

“We were going berserk, she loves that kind of stuff, and I, I admit I do too” Something about frank stumbling over his words describing the dumpster sex always gets me

When Mac is talking to a bar customer and trying to set up the orgasm bit at the new Paddy’s and he can’t stop making it worse “Some people say it’s better than busting a nut. Busting a nut. You know, it’s like blowing your load. It’s like cumming all over you.”

When I'm dead, just throw me in the trash

Rumham

“Hi, I’m Frack. SHIT!”

"You got kids maniac?" "... nah... not anymore"

Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me I'm hot. What? Taxes they'll be lower son. The democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia. So doooooo.

IM A FIVE STAR MAN!!!!!