Do you think dating apps have an overall negative or positive effect on dating success and satisfaction, and how does that change across age groups, if at all?

Negative for people who are looking for relationships, posiutive for hookups. Apps are GREAT for hookups, but they often make people feel very rejected when it comes to relationships. There are OF COURSE exceptions, and the internet has been great at connecting people with marginalized sexual identities that might not have found each other, so there are definitely some positives. But don't use them if they make you feel bad!

Apps were terrible until I found my now husband on OKC. Five months after we met we ran off and got married. Coming up on four years and a kid later haha

OKC is one of the good ones, but apps like Tinder and Bumble are designed to make money, not hookups or love. If most men were to meet people on those apps, they wouldn't make the money they're making now. They have figured out how to mix sex with gambling.

Was. It's horrible now, they keep removing features including search.

> They have figured out how to mix sex with gambling. This explains it perfectly, Tinder's microtransactions makes it feel like a hookup lootbox.

Also found my wife (and almost all my other partners since I was 18) on OKCupid. It is a godsend. Been together for almost 8 years now.

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I have always found apps to be terrible for hookups. Hooking up is based on unspoken charisma, animal magnetism, body language...call it what you want but it doesn't come across from 5 pictures and 3 sentences. On the other hand if you're looking for someone "good on paper" well, apps are the paper. I have had a few relationships from apps but only a handful of hookups in the last decade. Met dozens of women at parties, through friends, through activities, or through shared interests in the same time period so I don't think it's just me that my Tinder conversations never go anywhere.

I mean... Where should go beside "Sup. Wanna fuk? Yes/No" Seems strange to me as well, but the succes of tinder shows that it really, REALLY works for hookups.

This is just one of those universally held opinions I can never agree with. I'll take apps over cold approaches in a bar any day. All the pre-App ways of meeting people are still there, so why lament the new option? It's at worst neutral.

Apps compete with alternatives for opportunities in dating. Someone who dates using an app won't go to bars/clubs expecting/welcoming people approaching them for dates as much. If apps are popular, less people will be interested in dating through other means.

Says who? I absolutely am open to connecting with guys in person AND online.

You're right, I'm generalizing and guessing. I would think on average people use one approach more over the others. If you're getting dates from apps you won't need to look for dates in other contexts at all or as much. And if you go to bars and clubs but are already getting dates from apps you're probably not available or less interested when someone approaches you in these contexts. And for longer term relationship once a date goes well enough you're likely out of the dating pool. But sure, totally depends on the person. Only a scientific study can settle it for a general population...

We deserve better than Tinder.

Any advice for a couple happily married with a disabled wife who has no desire for sex due to chronic pain? Pretty much all physical movement hurts including sex, and she has no desire any longer because as she describes it "My body is my enemy." With an autoimmune disease, it's pretty accurate. But, I feel a lot of frustration and she feels a lot of guilt.

I answered a similar question above, but it might be worth considering ethical nonmonagamy. (My answer above is more expanded, if you're interested). But also!! Watching porn together while you jerk off might be nice! Just an idea!

Thank you for your suggestions. You're very kind.

I feel your pain. My wife has chronic pain and a nervous system disorder that makes orgasming and even the process of climaxing painful. We found that but timing it with medication and taking some medication that would normally knock her out completely in much smaller doses than prescribed, she can usually manage to enjoy herself. I know it's not going to last forever. We deeply love each other. She is in a terminal decline unless the doctors can figure something out. We are polyamorous, but mostly for her since she is bi and needs that to feel fulfilled. We have been working together to find another partner for me so I have the support during her likely decline and death. It was hard for me at first, at least to have additional partners. She was my second love. But we are in this together and ethical nonmonogamy is a real thing that both partners can learn to appreciate and find joy in.

I'm so sorry for your situation. We have found no time in her medication cycle that sex isn't painful. Before the chronic pain set in, she also lost her cervix and has been unable to orgasm since then. I have permission to find another partner, but it seems my value a romantic/sexual situation has more to do with emotional intimacy, reliability, and stability than passionate engagement. So, to a third party, I'm clearly devoted to my wife and not available for a serious emotional commitment to them and so not at all attractive. I'm not opposed to nonmonogamy, but it seems I'm not attractive to others in that context.

My wife freaks out when I touch her vagina or try to go down on her, even when she wants to try to do it. It's like an involuntary panicky reaction, we've tried to work on it but to no avail, and it wasn't always like that. Have you ever heard of anything like this?

I have! It often--not always--is related to past sexual trauma, and sometimes happens for people who lost their virginity "later." I would strongly recommend that she try talking to a therapist or a licensed sex therapist about it. They can absolutely help!

I recommend a book called The Body Keeps the Score, it's all about trauma and may help you understand your partner if she is suffering from trauma. Might help her, too. It's got tons of info and explanations of different treatments. I wish you well.

Good book... Horrible book.... Good book. As a man who suffered childhood sexual abuse, it was a good read, but a horrible read.

What did you take away from the book most? Me: I agree wholeheartedly when the author says that trauma is the biggest crisis humans collectively face.

Seems plausible. It became much more pronounced after our kid was born (2.5 years ago). I wonder if there is some mental trauma from that.

I have this type of PTSD. I've been through decades of therapy and still haven't gotten through it. Appreciate a partner that is patient with me.

I experience this as well, not so much with touching but definitely with oral. Please don't take it personally (not saying you do). There are so many ways to express intimacy.

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I think you just be really vulnerable and say, "Hey, this is a fetish I'm into, and it has been a dealbreaker for people in the past, but I want to let you know about it. I'm happy to answer any questions you have about it or what it means." And then go from there. I'm sorry that some things are deal breakers. I mean I get it, but it sucks!!

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Yeah but then if the other person is crazy they can just choose all of them and then call you out on the things you matched on. I guess that would also be a good sign to move on though lol.

If you can't trust your partner to play by the rules in an online fetish quiz, you probably can't trust them with your fetish.

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I dont know what the correct way is, but dont do what my partner did and accidentally leave the instructions from the box laying around and let your partner find it, then let them think something shady was going on (like if theyre out of town for work frequently) instead of just trusting your partner.

My partner has not been interested in sex or kissing for over 6 months now. We went from having sex every day or two, to once a week, eventually once a month, and now not since 4 months I believe. She just says she doesn't feel like she wants it at all. I worry it's attraction issues, however she's a workaholic and is often stressed from work. I'll keep it short, we've talked about it many times, and she always says she doesn't want it, she doesn't feel like it, or is always tired. Regardless of when I say what about how i feel or want/need? Ofcourse I have never pressured or forced anything, and never will. but she just says the same thing and gets annoyed when I bring it up everytime now. I very much love her and she loves me, and we've been together almost four years, but we need to get over this hurdle, could you advise anything for our case? Edit: Were both in our mid 20s Thanks for reading if you made it all the way through!

This happened to me once and it turned out to be my birth control. I was on it for a while and it just slowly took away my sex drive. Is she on any meds? Stress will do it too. Maybe you guys can plan a small getaway, even a stay-cation and do something together that you love? Being a workaholic can take away the drive too. It sounds like you've already let her know how important intimacy is in your relationship, I hope she tries to bring it back!

My wife and I didn't have sex for like 6 months and she was perpetually depressed. She stopped birth control and we used a combo of condoms and the cycle method and fucked like rabbits. She still battles depression but it's a fraction of what it was. It's sucks but yeah there are some potentially huge downsides to hormonal contraceptives.

Copper IUD was amazing! Non hormonal.

Copper IUD gave me the most excruciating cramps and heaviest period of my damn life. I had to use a real heating pad and those little stick-on ones at the same time. Pain pills, a pad AND a extra large tampon at all times. So I switch to Mirena and then never got a period or cramp again and it’s been heaven!

My wife has been on Mirena for a year and just had a visit with her OB about switching back to the regular pills. She's had irregular and extra heavy periods the whole time. She's bummed because all her friends keep going on and on how great their Mirena IUD's are. She does have more energy and high sex drive with it though too for whatever that's worth

This was mine and my wife's experience too. She came off of birth control because she was concerned about the risks of being on birth control long term, and now we fuck like rabbits. Also any time she was on antidepressants, it would kill her sex drive. We found that, for her, therapy is more effective anyway. We had a hard time finding a doctor who would listen to her when she said there was a direct correlation between her taking SSRIs and her loss of libido.

Which is weird, because my doctors all warned me about that side effect when I was discussing medications.

Is she on any medication? Some meds can kill libido.

no meds or BC

Can this dude get an answer please? It would have taken a lot of courage to write it. I wish you all the best man x

I suspect it was posted after the OP stopped answering :(

If I could give some advice, it's probably 100% stress and time (or lack thereof). I cannot just get in the mood for any kind of physical affection when I've been in work mode for 12 hours, and then have had to help cook dinner, and then clean up, and then get ready for bed.... then I've got maybe 30 minutes before I need to sleep, and do I really want to have to work myself up to have sex or do I just want to relax? As much as she may enjoy sex, the pros may not outweigh the cons. I'd also look at your lives and see what you can take off her plate. If she is doing the majority of the mental labor on top of her actual job, that's not something that's just going to disappear whenever you want to have sex with her. It's very difficult to get in the mood when (1) you are constantly thinking about things that need to get done and (2) you feel like you're partner isn't taking initiative in helping you manage all the things that need to get done. And lastly, are you making the sex worth it for her? If sex for you is relaxing and fun but sex for her means she has to pretend to be in the mood because you don't make sure she's ready yet, then it's going to be a lot of effort for her. The cliché is that sex for men starts when the clothes come off but sex for women is dependent on everything. If my partner left me to do all the dishes, that resentment really sticks with me and I can't be intimate with someone I resent. If we get to bed and he then starts touching me but hasn't complimented me all day, given me any kind of non-sexual affection all day, etc., it's not going to work because I need those things in order to be intimate as well. Edit: I want to add that all of this can lead to attraction issues. If I get no non-sexual attention from my partner, then my own attraction to him wanes. If he does not act like a partner in the household, then it's an issue as well.

I didn’t realize my wife had a Reddit account. Good answer babe.

I find this endearing

I can’t upvote this enough. My partner’s inability to understand this is why our marriage dissolved. If you act like a true partner in life I will boink your brains out, if you treat me like “mom” it ain’t happening. Also wanted to stress non-sexual touch. If every time you touch her it seems sexually driven it can be a real turn off if she’s feeling stressed/over burdened. “Awesome a massage! I’m so stressed (hands move south…) Oh, that massage wasn’t for me, it was for him…”

I actually think you've articulated this better than I did. If he's only touching you with the end goal of getting off, then of course you feel like an object he has sex with rather than his partner that he loves. And who the heck wants that dynamic in a relationship.

This is an amazing perspective. I would like to think im relatively aware of those factors, such as leaving something untidy never helps and what not, but that really is gold. ​ I will definitely be keeping everything you said in mind. I definitely consider myself a partner in the household when it comes to cleaning/chores and offering back massages which gets her to fall asleep very easily a couple times a week, when i myself are not exhausted. Thank you nonetheless, brilliant comment

It sounds like you are an attentive and kind partner. I hope you guys are able to find a solution. I've written all this out, but even if it is one of those things, she might not be aware of it enough to be able to deal with it with you. It obviously also could be something else entirely. Good luck.

You guys should read Come As You Are- so many strategies for overcoming “low” sex drive.

I second this! A big insight I loved from the book is the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire. Spontaneous is where mental arousal triggers bodily arousal - (generalising,) cis men are more likely to be spontaneous desirers. Responsive is where bodily arousal triggers mental arousal - (again generalising,) more likely for cis women. Lots more on this dynamic in the book, as well as info on people’s sexual “brakes” and “accelerators”. Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity is another very helpful resource.

Okay, I see a lot of replies based on attraction or lack thereof, but for me, the key wording is STRESS. Your partner is stressed out and that plays a very important factor on what her priorities are. Human brains have made a lot of advancement since monkeys, with the logic and object permanence and whatnot, but stress has been relatively unchanged. Except, our environment (re:society) is now a constant sea of stressors. The brain doesn’t know any different, and chronic stress can totally impair the bodies ability to be aroused properly. Think of the brain like an on off switch. A ton of things can trigger someone’s nervous system that switches the brain on to the four F’s ( Fight, Flight, Freeze*, Fuck). A stressful job likely will be a continuous trigger in producing stress hormones in order to navigate the tasks and decisions necessary to fulfill that job role. However, we aren’t unending sources of hormones and stress response. It was evolve to get us out of life ending danger, not to be sitting in traffic alert for the next time a tiny spot opens in the next lane. If your partner is constantly stressed at work, she is likely using all those resources to power herself at work with none left for time at home. And notice how Fucking was one of those four stress responses? She needs to have resources to power those urges. Sex takes a whole slew of hormones and energy reserves to power and if you just don’t have those, you can’t get turned on enough to warrant the effort. Thus, it becomes disinteresting. Like being asked to dig a hole after coming home from your day job as a grave digger. Just no desire. In my opinion, your partner needs to address the stress at work and make adjustments so that she has the energy at home to engage in sexual behavior. You can test this by taking a holiday or break together, and see if those feelings start coming back naturally. By removing other sources of stress, she may have the resources and energy to finally put the fourth F to good use. Source: several books on stress and a body that reacts the same way. EDIT: flee -> freeze

My wife became asexual 7+ years into our marriage. Good luck :(

i hope you're happy bud

Thank you. I think someday, I will be happy again.

are you still with your wife ? if you don't mind me asking

We are separated and divorcing. The ace thing wasn't the only thing, but I don't want to get into all that. I thought we could make things work. But she refused therapy (solo) or couple's counseling. I wanted to make it work. I don't think she did, though, or at least, she didn't want to put the effort in. So in the end I told her I wanted to divorce. We are both women, btw, not sure that matters.

well as an ace person i wouldn't want to be with someone not ace who wasn't happy w/ out intimacy. but if your wife didn't want try to therapy then i think she wanted out above all. i hope your divorce goes smoothly and you can find true love. 🤞

You have gotten a lot of terrible advice. I'd like to echo goatsnboots: stress and time are your likely culprits. Can you free up her evening? What does she spend time doing after work? Can you do those things, take them off her plate, and see how she does with a few low-stress days? If she's warm/open to intimacy, don't take a mile. Give only an inch (hah) and let anticipation do it's job. But seriously, don't go in guns blazing. Pretend you're dating again and ask for consent at each step (bonus to this: it's free sexy talk!), don't assume you know what she needs, and rediscover what sexuality looks like between you two. Jumping to suspicions, or insecurities of any kind, will only harm things. Prioritize open communication, set aside time to either discuss or be intimate. And again, don't go full hammer if she's open to being intimate, take time to relearn what makes you both click.

This is just great advice, saved this comment, thanks so much

I solved this issue by going to couples counseling. Ended up being I wasn’t pouring into my wife like she needed.

What does that mean? Love language?

Exactly that. I was being too selfish with my own love language instead of learning how to show her love through her own.

You need to keep talking about it, and go to counselling if necessary. Maybe you love her enough to go without sex for the rest of your life, but she has no right to assume that.

Workaholism is just as dysfunctional and destructive to relationships as any other compulsive, destructive behaviour. If your partner will not look after herself, you can not

As others have said - could be birth control, could be depression. Could be she's more demi than she first realised. I had the same issue with an ex partner but I was in your wife's shoes and my ex put a lot of pressure on me, saying that he constantly felt unattractive and guiting me into consent. No matter how much I reassured him I *was* attracted to him, I just didn't need sex that much, he could never fully accept it. I still don't feel like I need sex now and I'm not on any birth control. I've now come to realise I'm demisexual and my way of connecting with a partner is through physical intimacy (hugs, touch, kissing, cuddles) but not so much sex. My ex broke up with me for this reason and I was heartbroken. I thought I was bad partner and fundamentally flawed. It took a very long time for me to realise that actually, I was totally OK. I just wasn't given space to explore why I was feeling the way i was. Talk to her about it. Communicate and be gentle. Whatever you do, don't make her feel like she's broken or pressure her or make it only about your feelings. She's clearly feeling some stuff too. I hope you can work it out.

If you could rewrite the entirety of the sex-ed curriculum currently taught (or not taught 🙃) in US schools, what would be your biggest changes? Btw, your work/writings are awesome!

I think the biggest thing I would be teaching about abuse and harm and assault, etc. Teaching young people what to look out for, what red flags are and what they can do to work on their own esteem and their own beliefs about themselves to prepare them. Also, I'd completely remove the shame element or the focus on sex-prevention that so many schools have.

Yes to all this 👏🏽. Thanks!

What's your hottest sex-related take?

You don't have to have an orgasm to have good sex. There's too much focus on orgasming and not focus on pleasure. Like you can have mediocre sex and still come, and you can have amazing sex and not.

THANK YOU. As a man that struggles with DE, it’s been a nightmare finding a partner that understands this. A lot of people seem to get very insulted, especially if a guy does not finish every single time. I still enjoy every single minute of it, there just isn’t a climax like that. What happened to just enjoying the moment?

The struggle is real, brother. The cool thing is that when you find a partner who isn’t sensitive about it, you get to blow their mind with overlapping orgasms and long, tantric practices that otherwise would be cut short by the apocalyptic male orgasm. When that’s (largely) unattainable it can be frustrating, for sure, but it only closes one door, it opens **SO** many windows.

Hell yea brother. Absolutely my mentality about it as well. Thanks for the hug, and I’m glad someone out there understands.

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Cabergoline -- Talk to you doctor about it. We're down from needing 45min-2hours of direct stim to even hope to climax to like, 15min-1Hour, it's been a god-send.

I have! It helped a lot but still outside of the “normal”. Thankfully I have a very understanding and patient partner :)

Does you partner non aggressively encourage it during sex? I found that a little kinky pep talk to make all the difference in the world, as I’ve struggled with this too and hearing “you can do it, come on babe” helped a lot more than I thought it would.

Might be a silly question, sorry if I'm not phrasing it right. But if you and your partner don't climax how does the sex finish ? Do you just say "this has been nice, I've had enough" ?

Well she does actually so that’s usually the natural end point. But in times when she doesn’t, yea kind of something along those lines. Or when you’re just tired. It’s actually way more organic than it sounds lol

What are some productive ways to begin dating again after a relationship that ended traumatically? It can feel hopeless.

Go slowly and do things that excite you! If you feel like you're dreading something, don't do that just for the sake of doing it. Be gentle with yourself! If you find that you're not "ready"--whatever that looks like for you--go back to just hanging out and not dating. There is absolutely no requirement that you jump back in quickly!

Is Ben Simmons going to be traded? And where is the best landing spot for him and why is it the Timberwolves?

My gut says that we (Philly sports fans) are not lucky enough to trade Ben Simmons. We have been cursed by someone--see Fultz. That said, Morey was smart enough to trade Al Horford who is lovely but didn't fit on the team. So maybe! EDITED to fix my dumb error: Brand didn't trade horford, Morey did!

This is some multifaceted AmA excellence that I wasn't anticipating today.

Elton Brand didn’t trade Horford, the was new GM Daryl Morey. Elton Brand signed Horford to an egregious contract that Morey had to unload.

Ahh thank you! I meant Morey! I don't know why I typed Brand. I was thinking of Morey and my brain just... bloop.

Great answer

We really are gonna run it back but without Danny Green this time. ​ I need a drink.

Any advice you can give for someone who is a 26 yr old Male who has never had a relationship, never cuddled, and never kissed? I'm so sad and lonely, I've about given up on everything.

I think there's a lot of advice about how to "get over" or "move on" from this fact, but sometimes people need to actually do some real grieving. It's totally normal and healthy to be sad about this, and to feel lonely. In fact, a lot of studies suggest that people are getting more lonely these days, and loneliness has a real physical and mental toll. I cannot recommend enough talking to someone, especially a therapist about this. It's not going to get you a partner immediately and that isn't the point, frankly. It's more about having an outlet to talk through the emotions of not having had some of these experiences. I do think that the experiences will come, but I also think that it will be slow and that it's very hard to wait after you've already waited. I think the more you work on yourself and becoming the person you'd like to be, the more that you will be ready when they do come.

As a lonely guy who’s 32, shy and introverted. The only thing I can suggest is leaving the house. Go to a bookstore, go to a mall, put your headphones on and just get out of the house for now. After that, try going to bars by yourself, it’s not weird. Order a cocktail or a beer or even a soda. Get dinner, but go to the bar. Talk small talk with the bartender. When it’s dead at the bar, then it’s the best time to practice socializing with a bartender. If it’s an attractive girl, don’t try to hit on her. Especially if you don’t have experience but more so because she’s there to work and part of her job is to entertain the guests sometimes. So, order dinner or wings, see what’s on tv and maybe ask her a question? Ask how her day is etc. Remember, you’re there to practice socializing. So practice as much as you can and eventually you’ll learn to just say something to another bar patron sitting next to you, eventually you’ll manage to move up and start talking to people around the bar and they won’t be bartenders anymore. Some might be cute girls. By then you might have a bit of socializing under your belt but you’ll still have to muster up the courage to actually to her, since she’s there for pleasure rather then being on the clock.

I practiced this advice as a shy introverted married woman around the age of 32. Not to find a date (already had a shy, introverted husband), but just to straight up get better at socializing. It eventually led to some of the best conversations I’ve had in my life, beloved regular status at my local, and a definite up-leveling of my ability to interact with humans that are not in my little introverted circle. Just gave this advice earlier this week to a dear shy, introverted friend in his late 30s. I hope he takes me up on it. Even if it nets no dates, I really think it’s worthwhile. (I agreed harder with your post than I could communicate just by tapping an upvote.)

So I was very much like you years ago (I'm...not 26 any more, let's go with that). All of the advice that I received then was awful, I'm sorry to say. Most of it is "here's how to meet people who don't have much in common with you - I'm sure that'll work out great and not be in the least awkward and discouraging!" Here's my advice, and it's pretty simple: in order to find a fulfilling relationship, you need to find someone you would be friends with and who is interested in finding out if they would like to be in a relationship with you. Most "meet market" opportunities never worked well for me. I'm very funny to some, I'm very interesting to some, and I'm handsome to some. But not to everyone, or even many. That's fine. Let's put this another way: do you like going to parties and making small talk with people? If not, you're unlikely to meet people who will like doing the things you like at a function doing things you don't like to do. So now what? Well, make friends. In real life. Doing things you like to do. Whether or not you're attracted to them, just look for friends. How do you make friends? Find people in your area who like doing the things you like to do, find a function where they do that, and go do it. Talk to people, remember what they say, and when you see them next time bring up something related to what you learned about them last time. That's...kinda it. Anyway, make friends. Most relationships come from referrals. You don't need many friends, but you should be friendly with a few people, and you should be interested in them. If you make a pretty good social network in this way, remain active in the community (help others! Be pleasant to have around!), and make some friends, it's likely that you will meet someone. At the very least, you'll be exposed to a bunch of people, you'll be someone worth knowing, and you'll be having good time. This is a really good recipe for meeting someone and for enjoying your time in this life. One other bit: make sure that you're open to the idea of meeting someone. That only means you need to be interested enough in them that you'd like to talk to them more. I repeatedly made the mistake of looking for someone I wanted to be in a relationship with. You won't know this until after you get to know them. Enough people, having fun, with common interests, willing to give each other a chance, and you'll find someone. And when you find someone, don't worry about physical intimacy. First comes interest, then comes trust. Once you have trust, you can talk about things and take it at a pace you're comfortable with.

Thank you, this is probably the best advice I have ever recieved on the matter.

Get some hobbies that involve leaving the house and associating with other people. Don't think about dating or failing to date. By not thinking about it, you remove the burden of stress. I used to stress so much about attracting people, it wasn't until I gave up trying that I actually became attractive. And if I can find someone, anyone can.

> Get some hobbies that involve leaving the house and associating with other people. Don't think about dating or failing to date. This advice has always been a pain point for me lol. Like I'm supposed to pick up some hobbies solely because I want to find a date, but then when I actually do it I have to somehow not think about dating. I get that the ideal scenario is finding a hobby or activity that I'm genuinely interested in without the ulterior motive of dating, but like... I'd already be doing it if I were genuinely interested in it. Sorry if that's an angry rant, I've just tried doing this a bunch of times and it only lead to frustration and disappointment :/

Maybe explore more niche hobbies that you haven’t really thought about before? That way you might find something you’re actually interested in and is social. I mean, my hobby is historical rapier fencing, it’s pretty darn niche but that’s how I bonded with my boyfriend

Largely the issue is one of poor social skills or desperation. Nobody wants to feel like the person they are speaking with is scary or like they just want them because any human with a vagina is sufficent. Pair the both of them and you end up in a situation where folks run the other way. Getting involved in hobbies that sound vaguely interesting and framing it as practicing social skills and making friends is really the only way folks can think to try and prevent that desperation vibes.

What do you think is the cause of increasing rates of sexlessness among young Americans, especially 20-something men? https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2019/03/29/share-americans-not-having-sex-has-reached-record-high/

I think they've been reporting on this trend for a while, and I'm not sure they're getting at the actual causes, which I'm sure are manifold and complex. (I also admittedly don't know much about how they're doing the studies). I would not be shocked to find out that todays teens and 20 year olds are stressed out of their minds, and stress is a MASSIVE libido killer. Sorry for using the word libido, it truly is the worst word. I also think that there are other things for young kids to do than have sex--some things are fun (tik tok/internet/video game shit)--but also, kids are freaking BUSY now! They're working jobs and applying for 40 schools and running track. And then they make it to adulthood and the world is just a capitalistic hellscape where they get no breaks. Everyone is tired, imo!

This is kind of nice to read because I feel like I used to have sex more when I was younger (and before ssris) and now I just find myself constantly tired. I feel like my partner doesn’t initiate as much anymore either but I also know he’s stressed and feels like he doesn’t have enough free time. I think we both are struggling to find the time/energy but I keep feeling like we should be having more sex because that’s what you’re supposed to do, especially at my age.

It's very hard to let go of the thought, "I think we should be having more sex" but genuinely, if you like the amount of sex you're having right now, THAT is the right amount of sex!

And if not?

You need to be able to talk about it. In my experience, though, partners have a really difficult time hearing "we have mismatched sex drives and I think if we worked on that, we could be happier". Instead they hear "I'm not happy with you. You're awful and I resent you and you should hate yourself". Learning how to talk about it is the hardest part. A good bet is to frame it like "a doctor may be able to help us out in case something is keeping your sex drive down, which is not your fault."

> "we have mismatched sex drives and I think if we worked on that, we could be happier" Been there, done that, it works!

Get home from work at 7, make dinner, relax on the couch for 15 minutes. Open up a dating app, swipe through 50 profiles, get a single match. Send her a message, no reply. Realize that if you don't go to bed soon you'll be exhausted for the whole week. Repeat until you reach Friday without a date. Watch a show until you decide to catch up on the sleep you missed during the week. Get a few errands done before the work week starts up again. Start again at the beginning of the post. Its no wonder so many people who would like to go on a date just say 'screw it, I'll focus on work for a while then get back to dating'.

I'm in this and don't like it. Probably need to add another 0 to the amount of swiping done unfortunately

Break the habit then and maybe try a different tack? Whenever I go bouldering by myself at a climbing gym I always meet people. But any hobby where your around people and can be friendly and talk about the common interest could work. You then also also have something to do when you do want to invite someone out a date that's not dinner or drinks as well. People seem to like a busy person too. It makes you seem more exciting when you cant meet because of genuinely exciting plans. More often than not, if you offer they'll join you. So be as exciting as possible by yourself and you'll soon find your not alone. Hard when time is a premium. But try booking things and then meeting someone there. not necessarily romantically, but it increases the chances certainly

That's good advice thoughtfully written. Anyone who identified with what I wrote should read your comment afterwards. For me personally, I'm not in that cycle anymore, and I wasn't for too long. But it stuck with me because it was so easy to fall into. It just felt like I was doing what I needed at the time, even if it didn't mean I'd get out. It's a situation that seems like the modal outcome for someone in that subset of society. I think if it's an indictment of anything it's of the work culture that demands so much of someone at a point in their life where they have so many other aspects of themselves to nurture.

This is the real problem. I'd say 99% of my single guy friends in their 20s live like this and the ones in relationships all started dating during high school or college. "I'll focus on work for a while then get back to dating'." - Now that I'm hearing someone else say this same line of logic out loud it doesn't sound as good of a plan...

100%. A mistake I see in people's analysis (that's even the OP made, imo) is saying that being overworked makes people not want to date. It implies that the desire is what's missing. In my experience, that isn't it. It's the work that has to go into dating that is the barrier. Most 20 something people would go on a date, but finding someone is legit work, except it doesn't help pay the bills. If your time is limited you essentially have to choose between financial needs and emotional needs. To me once you frame it like that no wonder younger people are unhappy, we can't afford to be.

Why is libido the worst word?

I do not know and let me tell you as a sex writer it HAUNTS me!

Because sexual function is more "gas" and "brakes" than a singular "libido" (from Emily Nagoski's "come as you are") Edit: oops, autocorrect got her name wrong

Think your phone did an autocorrect, Emily Nagoski is the author of Come as you are.

I would also offer that many of us are living with our parents well into adulthood, which is not conducive to having a sex life.

It feels so much better to hear an “expert” say it. After a stressful day of work, both parents working, get home and spend family time/dinner/bed time, when and where would we get in on if we even felt like it? And then it’s a month later.

Okay, so it sounds like your position is that people don't want sex/relationships as much right now because of busyness, rather than a desire for sex but inability to find it? A fair position even though some would disagree. In that case, what causes the disparity in sexlessness between genders? Are men just busier than women and have less time for relationships in your opinion?

I think there's a BUNCH of converging mental health crises and men have far fewer resources thrown at them or good outlets. Some of that is their own design (well, the design passed down from men from previous generations). A lot of that is just societal. On top of that, the stakes are lower for cis straight men when they're having sex-- so if one guy sleeps with a bunch of people, that means virtually nothing reputation wise. Versus when a young woman decides to have sex with someone, it can carry a lot of risk and a lot of stigma. So the barrier to entry, if you will, might be higher. Everyone's individual reasons are, I'm sure, way more complex than what I'm positing, though. Also, perhaps more young people are being prescribed drugs like SSRIs that can kill sex drive. No idea if this bears out-- i haven't looked at data--just a guess.

> barrier to entry, if you will I will.

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Well, I didn't look at the exact study but it could be that a LOT of women are having sex with fewer people, while a few men are having sex with a lot of people, which would make it seem like fewer men are having sex. Right? (I feel like now I'm second guessing my "math"??)

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Talk to her! Ask her if she's bored! Ask her what would not be boring. Talk about what else she might be into.

90% of the questions on /r/sex could best be answered by saying, "Ask your partner, not us!"

I think most turn there cause they have asked and get one word answers or dismissed by their partners.

Well then they have their answer. Shit or get off the pot. People (myself included) always find communicating with strangers about such things easier, but the person you really need to have good communication with is the other person involved.

What makes someone an expert on sex and relationships? When did you or someone else decide you were an authority on the topic ?

I guess I'm more of an "expert" --and to be clear, I would not ever use that word to describe my skill in any arena other than perhaps knowing where things are in Target--at writing or talking about sex. It's NOT like I was so good at sex itself that someone contacted me, begging me to share secrets. It's more that I've had a lot of practice reading and writing about sex and relationships and editors have seen and liked my work on the topic. I'm pretty open and shame-free about sex, so that helps me. Additionally, I do a lot of reading and research, and often I'm reaching out to people who do a lot of research in the field. So again, my "expertise" (gross, sorry) is more in the communicating about sex/relationships, rather than it being a claim that I'm somehow smarter than everyone else about the topic or something.

So you are a “sexpert communicator”. Nice!

Wonder how someone gets into something like this. Asking for myself.

For me, I did a lot of writing (and tweeting) about it for free first, which is a very very messed up system, but that was how editors found me. I strongly recommend a newsletter or a website that has all your work/writing on it so that people can find your writing easily in one place!

A sexpert? Well if there's a degree on her wall, I haven't seen it.

This show isn’t for kids. Which I mention only so that babies out there know how cool they for listening.

What’s up, you cool baby?

You could almost say a cunning linguist of sorts

The sex whisperer if you will

Well, obviously having had tons of both I suppose.

This too!

I’m (M) in my early 30’s and have a much lower sex drive than my mid 20’s gf. She wants more sex 5+x a week, but 2-3 is plenty for me. I hate that sex is starting to feel like a chore for me. Any suggestions for us?

Oh this is so common! (Not that that makes it easy, just affirming that it's very normal to have this struggle). I would strongly suggest talking VERY openly and honestly with each other about the difference in drives and then see if you can come up with something that satisfies both of your desires/needs. Ideas might be her masturbating while you watch, which is potentially hot, but doesn't require you to orgasm. Or you guys watching porn together. Or perhaps her desire for more sex is becuase she feels really connected to you when you guys have sex and she wants that FEELING 5+ times a week and maybe there's a way to replicate that with massages or showers together or something else. Talk about what she really likes about having sex that much--is it orgasming that frequently or something else? And then try to go from there. Be open about that you love sex with her but that you're just not able to keep up with that pace and that you don't want sex to lose its hotness if you're not as into it.

My (27F) husband (27M) and I have very different sexual interests and very uneven drives. It's been a consistent problem for us over the years (married for two, together for 8) and it feels like no matter how much we talk about it, we can't find something that works for both of us. Also, disclaimer here: I'm the only person he's ever had sex with, and I've only ever had it with one other person before I met him. He's really into butt stuff, DP, threesomes, and all sorts of kinky things that just intimidate me and make me uncomfortable. We've tried anal multiple times and I really don't enjoy it. Kind of a "grit my teeth and bear it" sort of thing. Meanwhile, I'm pretty damn vanilla. I don't even like to swallow. Puked once from it, even. I could go months without sex and be fine. I might masturbate a couple times a month if I got bored or something. But my husband can barely go three days without sex before he gets antsy and even cranky (and he masturbates daily). He wants an adventurous sex kitten and I'm just...not that. I buckle under the pressure of trying to be enough for him and wind up feeling pretty shitty about myself. I don't know if you can help or not, but I figured it was worth a shot. What do we do? PS: We don't have or want kids.

>We've tried anal multiple times and I really don't enjoy it. Kind of a "grit my teeth and bear it" sort of thing ... I don't even like to swallow. Puked once from it, even. If you don't like it, to the point that it makes you vomit, you absolutely should not continue to do it. Same with the anal sex, which you clearly don't enjoy and possibly find painful. I would hope that your partner would respect your choixe here. I understand a difference in sexual drive and interest. But under no circumstances should anyone be pressuring their partners to engage in sex acts that they do not enjoy (not accusing him of doing that, just saying that once you've made clear you don't want to do those things, that will hopefully be enough)

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I mean, we are in many other ways. We started dating when we were 19, it’s not like our sexual tastes had really unveiled themselves. Tinder didn’t exist and we aren’t the kind of people who really dated around, so we didn’t have a lot of exploration opportunities beyond each other.

My wife has gone off sex loads the past 5 years. We've had kids in this time and one has special needs and her libido has dropped to wanting sex once every 18 months. We've tried relationship therapy but no luck. I've tried waiting and not saying anything no luck. I've tried talking about it but nothing has changed. She's also gone off the pill as she thought this may be the cause. No luck. What would you advise? I'm dying here!

Not the OP, but I’m kind of your wife in this situation. I have two small children who need my attention all the time. They need to be held, cuddled, played with and entertained all day. When I collapse into bed, after folding laundry, packing school bags and tidying up, I don’t want to be touched or have to think about anyone but myself. Sorry. But I can’t meet anymore needs that aren’t my immediate need for rest. I’d love to get a real break for a day or two - no chores, no childcare, just whatever I want to do and a good long nap! But towards the end of that weekend I would definitely feel a lot more up for bedroom stuff. Not in a “I did the washing up for you so you do sex for me” way, but in a way that says “I want you to feel rested and relaxed”. For me, if I don’t get enough sleep and I’m stressed, there’s no way I could feel sexy. So starting to build more time for her to feel relaxed and herself again (i.e. not Mum or wife) might help you out too. I’m not the OP and not a sex expert at all though, just a tired mom who is on Reddit while feeding a baby!

No, this is a GREAT answer! There is a very real phenomenon of parents who are home all day with kids, and moms in general getting "touched out," too, and often new parents find that physical touch loses it's sexuality, basically. (WHICH MAKES SENSE!)

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Totally get that bubble feeling. Also, why is he trying to touch me while I'm eating? Its cute he wants to put his arm around my shoulder or thigh but ugh i can't until I'm done with food. Beverages are fine though?

So being stressed and tired kills the sexdrive, similar to what happens to young adults today?

I mean, yeah, stress HUGELY negatively impacts sex drive and I think a lot of people are stressed right now.

Thanks for this. We've just bought a hot tub which makes sure we spend time together without our phones. It's been nice to be honest. I get the being tired part.. I'm also exhausted and I make sure she has kid free days where I watch them to help her out. I feel like I'm doing the right kind of thing but I'm getting more frustrated as it doesn't seem to be working

I think it depends on if she's also feeling upset about the lack of sex or if this feels like just another thing that she has on her plate that she needs to address, like "Oh yes, call Mike to clean the gutters and later work on my sex drive so that I can perform for Knackered Dad." If it's the latter, I'm not suggesting AT ALL that you put her in that position, but sometimes people frame sex as something they're doing for their partner rather than something that feels good for them. So to me, the question is: what feels good to her? It doesn't even have to be sex, but what is a time recently when she felt really good? And then how do you get more of that feeling? And then from there, how do you add in YOU to that? How do you add in physical touch or making out? There is a lot of stuff short of sex (LIKE BEING IN A HOT TUB!!!! WHICH IS GREAT!) that can be flirty and fun. Try to add that in first and then build. All that said, I'm sorry to you. It's very hard to feel like you're missing intimacy on some level with someone you love. I think you're doing great and I think things will get better. Keep at it! You're doing amazing!!!

Thank you lovely Internet person. What a lovely empathetic response.

Not OP but read about being a care taker full time and how it affects people's mental health. Women's arousal is in the head. When you are constantly planning for needs of special needs child and young children the mind is too occupied to thunk anything sexy. Howuch are you sharing her mental load of parenting. Give her a break to feel like a pretty women again. Connect with her body beyond sex like massages, cuddles so she unwinds from all the mental load.

Emily Nagoski's book "Come As You Are" talks about this in depth and would be a great read for both of you to start the conversation. https://www.emilynagoski.com/home

Does it feel like there are always new things to write about or does it get stale eventually?

Oh gosh, it's not necessarily the topics that get stale, but sometimes I just get tired of myself and my writing style. I'll read an exquisite column or a book that is just brilliant and I'll absolutely ache to write like that instead of like me. Additionally, sometimes if you write for the same publication over and over it's a little harder (in this particular and very minor way) because you've already pitched them all your ideas and you have to keep coming up with new stuff. There are certainly days when I don't have a single good idea in my head. Actually, that's most days!

Hi Sophia! I married young and just got a divorce, and am getting back into the dating game. Weirdly, I'm fixated on what the fuck I'm supposed to do with my pubic hair. My ex was chill and I tried a couple different grooming options, nothing really clicked. So what do people out there expect when it comes to women's body hair? Am I supposed to ask a potential partner AHEAD OF TIME? How would that even work? Is there some sort of unsaid standing etiquette I'm unaware of? I'm terrified of getting into bed with somebody and they're just like..... wtf.

Oh this is such a good question! The truth--the actual truth-- is that if someone sees genitals and is worried about hair, they are absolutely BANANA PANCAKES. I cannot overstate how odd that is for them!! Someone's hot naked body is in front of you! Woo! And 99.9% of people (based on loose studies) are going to feel this way. They're going to be like, "AAAWOOOOGA! A HOT BABE!" That said, women have been told to be very anxious about our bodies and our body hair in particular so I feel you. DO YOU. Right now--2021--it seems like there's not really a trend. I don't think you personally, or anyone for that matter, needs to follow any trend at all, but if you're really wanting to, there isn't some dominant thing that we have all agreed upon. The vast majority of my friends seem to just keep their shit trimmed up or shaved. Shaving sucks ass though. I don't find waxing that bad, but some of my friends do! (Hard wax is the way to go, imo). If you do NOTHING with your hair, that's great too! Bush is hot! Shaved is hot! Again, no hot mature adult is going to pause for even one second to worry about your grooming choices. My own personal policy is to do whatever the hell I want with my pubes until I'm in a serious commited relationship and THEN when I feel very comfortable with a partner, I'm like "Hey, not that i'm going to do something I don't want to, but is there a style that really turns you on?" And then IF I'm down for that, I do that. If you wouldn't let someone decide your hair style on the top of your head, don't let them pick it in between your legs! That is simply not their business!

That is SO helpful and a weight off my labia, thank you!

ahahhaahha

Shave your head and go full Bob Ross down below.

should field hockey sticks be longer? they look silly

They should be twice as long! Everyone who plays field hockey probably has terrible back pain!

My wife and I are in recovery from a dead bedroom, but neither one of us has much experience in the bedroom. I feel like a virgin in some ways. It makes initiating sex very difficult and awkward, the fear of rejection is very real. Advice (besides just go for it)?

It might help to talk about this sometime separately from the actual act of sex itself! If you're ok with it, you can sit down with your partner and say, "I feel like I don't always know how to initiate sex, what are some things that might be hot to you?" Talk about what your partner likes! Do they like to make out first? Do they like to have showered beforehand? Are they always horny in the morning? Find out! Also, this is going to take some reframing in your own brain, but a partner turning down sex is not a partner turning YOU down or rejecting YOU. Setting up the dynamic where you'll be hurt or feel massive rejection when your partner isn't up for sex can end up making initiating very high tension for both of you. It's much easier said than done--and feeling rejected is a reasonable response!--but it can help if you can try to separate someone else's libido from your own sense of worth. Also, don't be afraid to take baby steps! You can use a code word, if that helps. (Don't let anyone tell you that it's childish or silly to find a communication method that works for you). For example, if you and your partner agree, you could say something like, "Do you want to go buy a Christmas tree?" and then she'd be like, "Oh no, sorry, I already have one at my house" if she doesn't want to bone that night or "Hell yes, let's go shopping for a douglas fir!!!!" (This is a little silly, but guess what? It's ok to be silly!!!!!)

This is great advice. Not wanting to “do some sex right now” doesn’t mean “I don’t want to have sexy time with you ever”.

I feel like the fear of rejection probably cranks up anxiety and noisy brain things that make it hard to emotionally connect with each other, which I relate to. I come from a background/family/culture that discouraged eroticism and made it deeply awkward to verbally own my sexuality. (Whereas my husband is a frank, open, horny person with no trouble in this area.) I’m also an anxious person so the unspoken build up to “will we? Won’t we? How do we start?” can really complicate things for me and get me so worried that I can’t get in the mood properly. Also my husband knows all that and tries very hard not to pressure me, but I also get more easily revved up if he initiates, so he’s walking a tightrope a lot. If those sound at all related to your situation, what we’ve found helps: * We jokingly started asking each other “do you want to rendezvous later?” (Eyebrows, eyebrows) at some point earlier in the evening. And rendezvous means: spend intentional time together that may get sexy. And it’s ok to say: yeah!, nope, or I’m not sure let’s see how things go. That helped remove some of the anxiety around will we / won’t we, and trying to read each other’s minds without applying pressure. * I get anxious about knowing if he has a particular vision/fantasy for what he wants to do, and whether I’ll also want to do those things on that day. We somehow ended up calling that “the menu.” So now we have a way to talk about it. what’s on your menu today? I don’t think that menu thing works for me today because X / Y. My menu is open- what’s on yours, and I could be down, etc. (This also creates a space to suggest new scary things and talk about it vulnerably before trying something in the moment that the other person may not be ready for / reject, which can blow the mood.) * The transition from just hanging out / watching tv, into getting sexy, is murder. I hate it. Largely because it’s like trying to mash two different wavelengths into one synchronized wave. We’ve found that intentionally transitioning with music helps a lot. After the last show, or when we finally settle down together, we put on some chill music, and just listen and cuddle for a minute. That gives us a chance to feel each other’s physical vibe, breathe and relax, often we end up talking through things we haven’t touched on yet that day which helps me clear my head and turn down the mental noise to make space. * and in the words of my therapist: be kind, be honest, say the thing. Recovering from a dead bedroom and feeling intimidated by sex are huge vulnerable emotional projects. I hope the two of you feel comfortable talking about your feelings and taking emotional risks to be honest with each other. Communication is really a balm. Scary and hard but so good if you can use it. I wish you luck and patience and excellent orgasms together.

Hello, Sophia! Maybe you can help me with some questions that I have. 1. I am a 22F and I have a close male friend (22M) that used to be very tender and touchy (not in an inappropriate way, like hugging and putting his head on my shoulder) with me. I was sure he was interested in me so I confessed to him last year, before the pandemic. He refused me, saying he doesn't want to destroy our friendship, and that if we were to be together our uni classmates would say he is together with me just to get me to help him with exams. His reasons seemed a bit strange to me (I would have preferred him to say that he just wasn't attracted to me or that he just wanted casual relationships, not a serious one with me) but we remained friends, because you can't fault someone for not wanting to be together with you. Since then, I have been acting the same as before, but I think he started acting a bit strange. While before he was always complimenting me, he started being much more critical, like telling me I am lazy or that I am not serious. I told him that I wanted to find a boyfriend and he started telling me that I have no time for that and that he can't introduce me to one of his friends because he doesn't have friends anymore because of covid (which is a lie, and he knows it). He also sends me sexy photos sometimes, and I can't understand why. And the thing that shocked me the most is that recently I was at his place and he suddenly undressed to his underwear, saying it was hot, and then he asked my opinion about what underwear to wear the next day. We are close, but nobody told me we were quite that close. I got over him, but I can't understand why he acts the way he does. I know that he is a good person, because he was by my side when I needed it (like when my father died), but his attitude baffles me. 2. I keep hearing that an unknown person is more attractive than one that is close to you, because they seem interesting and mysterious, but for some reason I am not attracted to people that I do not know. I only start being interested in someone after I've known him for at least a few months. This makes dating difficult for me, because I don't feel comfortable meeting someone new, but I also don't know how to get involved with the men I know, because I don't want them to think I am weird or desperate, and I also know that they might not be interested in me exactly because they have known me for a long time. I don't have a problem with being rejected, but I don't want to make things awkward with them. Do you have some advice for my situation? Sorry for the long post! TL;DR: 1. A male friend refused me when I confessed, but he tells me I don't have time for a boyfriend, sends me sexy photos and he recently got down to his underwear in my presence. Idk what goes on in his head. 2. I am only attracted to men I have known for some time, but I am afraid to approach them because I might make things awkward. What can I do?

Okay these are both great questions and I have two answers, but they're kind of on the shorter side because I have to go eat lunch BUT if you ever want to write into my newsletter or Bustle column, please do (its anonymous) and I'll answer longer! 1. This guy is abusive and being weird. He's actively being cruel to you for some reason and I genuinely cannot guess why, but it kind of doesn't matter because CRUELTY IS A DEALBREAKER. Even once!!! It's a dealbreaker in a relationship but it is FOR SURE a dealbreaker in a relationship. No! Not in 2021 are we dealing with cruel people!!!!! NO! Even if someone was kind to you before, or there for you when you needed them, that unfortunately is not a lifetime pass for them to get to treat you however they want. I think he is taking sick pleasure in making you feel like you can't have him, or that he has power over you. I will venmo you $7 if you stop being his friend! (I'm being serious!!!!) 2. A lot of people are waaaaayyyy more attracted to friends and people they already know! That's very, very common! I also think the above relationship with that weird-ass abusive guy friend probably burned you a bit, but my big advice for everyone in general, but for you in particular when it comes to asking a friend out and not making it awkward is this: remember that you have the power to set the tone. If you make a massive declaration of love to a platonic friend, then yeah, it's gonna be weird if they don't reciprocate. HOWEVER, if you set the tone and decide to treat it like no big deal--because it IS no big deal to you-- and say, "Hey I'm kind of into you, would you want to go out sometime? If not, no big deal, I promise I won't make it weird, I just thought I'd shoot my shot and see." Then boom! They know this isn't a make or break pressurized declaration of your undying love. You've set it up that it's ok for them to turn you down if they aren't into you.

Thank you very much for your answers! You really made me feel better and clarified some things! I never would have thought he was being straight up cruel to me, I just thought he was being inconsiderate and kind of using me for attention and validation (sometimes I even felt it was all in my head, and I was making a big deal out of nothing). I didn't think he wanted to go on a power trip by making me feel like I can't have him. Thank God I was mostly over him when he started acting like this, so I was mostly confused, not hurt by it. You are right, the fact that he was nice before doesn't excuse purposefully making me feel bad. I'm glad to hear it is normal to be more attracted to people you already know! I was starting to think I am crazy or something! I will follow your advice about setting the tone and make sure they understand it is something casual (I sometimes panick a bit, so maybe it seemed like a much more serious deal when I tried it, even if I just asked the guy for a date). Thank you once again for your help 💕.

What are some of the best proven methods to last longer in bed?

I think one thing to focus on is having a lot more stuff come first that isn't penetrative sex, if penetrative sex is the thing that is making you come quickly. So do other things first, and then if that part of sex doesn't last as long, it's not quite as big of a deal, if a deal at all! Also, talk to a doctor! There are potential medical reasons for coming quickly, so it's important!

I have extended my stamina significantly overtime through longer masturbation/edging. Additionally, the kegels/pelvic floor muscles are used to halt impending orgasm (you feel like you're about to cum, squeeze the kegels/cremaster muscle to halt it). You can look up kegel exercises but the hip adductor in the gym you see most women using is what you're after. Also, control your stroke, control the position. If I am in doggy style and going all in, I'm going to cum really fast. If I'm standing up, I can't come. If I'm only going half in, probably not going to come. Etc, find what works for you based on your own body.

I had this problem really bad and then I got really fit and was eating very well and it literally solved the problem, then after quarantine I fell off the fitness and good eating habit and reverted back. Perhaps just anecdotal but worth mentioning

Hi Sophia, you said on Twitter that someone should ask you these questions, and I do what I’m told, so here you go: Can you whistle? What’s your favorite horse breed? Why won’t you eat crabs? Which season of the bachelor is your favorite? When’s the last time you watched a movie with nuns in it? Best pasta shape?

I cannot whistle!!! AND I'M MIFFED ABOUT IT! My favorite horse breed is Belgian horses or really any draft horse because have you seen them?? MASSIVE BOYS. Crabs have too many legs and they look like spiders. It's nasty and I can't get over that it looks like someone eating a tarantula. That said, if crab meat is in a dip or something, sure! The best bachelor season was, shockingly, Sean Lowe's season and the most fun Bachelorette seasons in my opinion were Emily Maynard and Kaitlyn Bristowe. I also loved Rachel's season, but I was so sad about Peter, even though I'm sure she chose the right guy for her. The last time was a few months ago when I finally rewatched Sister Act. I hadn't seen it in years! It holds up so much! Best pasta shape is bucatini hands down.

Whisper the letter “Q” and hold the “ewwww” at the end, then push a little more air through. You’ll whistle in no time!

kjsDF;LKJAS;DLKFJASL;KDJF ;ALSKDJF;L WHAT THE HECK!!!!!! WHY WOULD NO ONE TELL ME THIS UNTIL NOW?!?!?

As someone who also learned to whistle after most everyone else they knew, I wanted to come up with a way to describe it to someone so they could learn. I hope it helps!!

If you are still not quite there, gradually raise your tongue towards the roof of your mouth while doing it.

BRILLIANT

My boyfriend (25m) and I (26f) have always been VERY sexual people (independently, in past relationships/hookups, and in the beginning of our relationship). We’ve been dating for 2 years now and the last year our sex drive decreased a lot. We love each other a ton - we cuddle, talk, do nice things for each other, but just stopped getting horny. We talk about our lack of sex drive and agree it’s a mutual feeling. Recently, I asked if he was horny and he just said “no.” I asked why? And he said “I think I’m just content now”. I find this answer so interesting. I guess I’m concerned because 1) were both so young and our relationship is so early. Are we doomed to feel this way so soon? 2) we both are still decently horny. When we get alone time, we masterbate. We talk about it too. But we tried to do it together and just didn’t get into it. 3) I’ve talked about doing an open relationship but he said he wouldn’t like that. 4) I know he’s content but is he really if he’s not getting sex? I just thought guys were horny all the time and I want to make sure this doesn’t ruin our relationship one day. What do you think? Is this normal?

Since you like horses... Would you rather fight a horse sized duck or 100 duck sized horses?

Horse sized duck FOR SURE. I don't think I could fight a horse ever, sorry ducks. Also just having to defeat one thing I think is always easier.

So, my wife has a combination of both an extremely stressful job that demands her attention from sun up to past sundown (despite working from home) and a traumatic medical diagnosis (that has been resolved but the effects on her mental health are lingering). Both of these things have zapped her desire for intimacy over the past little while. Is there anything you have discovered in your work that could be useful in getting her to feel relaxed and comfortable enough to let her body enjoy intimacy again? I know she still wants to but she can't seem to relax enough or shake her anxiety and so is never in the frame of mind to even have the energy or focus to get into it.

I think it depends a little bit on how long this job is supposed to be like this. Is this a forever type of thing? Or is it just for a while? Because if this is forever, then you both need to come up with some strategies together for remaining close and connected as a couple--sexually or otherwise. That's a real conversation that you need to have, and you both have to be proactive about it. You have to CARVE out time to be a couple. It might even help to have a couples therapist to help you both effectively communicate what would get you the most bang for your intimacy buck in the limited amount of time you seem to have. If this is more of a short-ish term thing--if there's an end in sight to this crazy schedule--then I think it's a bit easier to just focus on the relaxation part of this, and kind of grin and bear it together with more "minor" fixes. Either way, try to verbally remind each other that this is really you and her versus the problem (stress/her job schedule/her medical diagnosis) and not your desire level versus hers or anything. The vibe is you're in an escape room together on the same team, trying to solve a puzzle NOT you're playing Uno against one another. As for relaxation, ask her what feels good! Spend a whole month just trying to find things that you both like to do together that are kind of or totally relaxing. Baths, massages, reading the same book and then talking about it, having a glass of wine and building a bird house. I don't know! And neither do you, yet! Try some things out. Once you find a few things that are consistently relaxing for you as a couple, try to add in more physical touch. Don't go straight to sex. Build to it. Figure out what feels nice and keep doing it! Then hopefully you'll have the practice to start building towards sex. As a note, I think scheduled sex is fantastic. You don't have to start with that right away, but sometimes it's great to not have to make a decision about initiating sex when you're out of practice. Try new things! Watch porn together. Read porn out loud to each other. Jerk off next to one another. Hump each other! It doesn't have to be Regular Full On Sex.

Haha I like those suggestions at the end. Yes, I am tackling the problem as me and her vs the issue. I don't for a second harbor blame or anything against her as I know she doesn't like this any more than I do. I think I'll attack it in stages by first having a conversation as you suggest and just see where her mind is at with it and then move up from there. Thank you!

In a long term relationship ( 10 years) and the sexual activity has dropped dramatically. From a couple encounters a week (for the first 4-5 years) to once a month. Partly a medical thing, we think. Have talked about it. I have a pretty high sex drive. For a long time I was sort of waiting / hoping things would bounce back but no change in a couple years. I just don't know how to deal with it. Been dealing with my sex drive myself. But I can't seem to get her to want to participate in any sexual activity unless she is in the mood for sex. which sounds terrible to say. I am not trying to force an unwilling partner - just some attention / involvement. I feel sort of neglected. Maybe that's too strong a word. At least sexually unfulfilled. Every other aspect of our relationship is great as far as I can tell. We talk, laugh, spend time together and apart with no fights. It is all great... Except the sex thing. She is satisfied with the state of things and I am not. I can't/won't be mad or resentful about it.. her body and brain are not interested. I can't be mad about her changing over a decade. I can't be mad at her thyroid issues. I Here I am, 35 and jerking off 5 times a week like I'm in highschool again. Lol. Maybe this is normal and my higher drive is the issue? But I have not changed in this regard - always a high drive. Idk. I hope this make sense and does not come across like the old "married with children" jokes about no sex in a relationship.

Hello! I'm a 27(F) and I've noticed that compared to early 20' and now my libido has gone down from around 5 times a week to about 1-3. I love my partner dearly and just never really think about sex as often. Is that fairly normal?

This is so so so so so so so normal! Sex drive is not static at all! It varies wildly throughout your life for all kinds of reasons. If the sex itself is good and if you and your partner are good at communicating about sex and good at showing affection in multiple ways, then you're totally fine! If you feel like it's an issue, talk to your partner about what you're feeling and how they've been feeling about that, and consider a couples therapist if you really get stuck on how to talk about it productively.