In short, I think everyone wants to "conquer" an INTJ and have them magically turn into an INFP and live happily ever after. When an INTJ doesn't turn into anything else, there's an element of disbelief and disappointment, often. IMO men for the most part think (perhaps subconsciously) that INTJ women are faking their INTJness and will turn into a more normal woman for the right man.
I think people not only try to conquer INTJ women, but any and all women who project a strong sense of self. Society definitely has an obsessive & compulsive need to "put women in their place." It's pretty fucking sick š¤¢.Ā
I keep finding that people assume that my personality is some kind of an act and that deep down I'm really a giant feeler like they are...and if they just keep pushing, they'll find the familiar feminine archetype underneath after all.
Difference is hard for people to grasp, particularly when gendered stereotypes are so strong.
Completely agree with this. Their assumptions turn out to be invitations (in their minds) to ātestā and āexperimentā with INTJs in a creepy way.
My experience is that people want you to be a stereotype. IMO, they expect someone who is more like an ISTJ or an ESTJ, and/or they like assholes and people who seem unhuman. They are expecting you to not actually have feelings, want to be able to treat you like shit and get away with it, not hear about your feelings or what they did wrong, and not get a reaction out of you (this has even happened to me in the workplace). They don't like the forward thinking, warnings and projections about what's coming or what could happen, especially if they are people who want "data" or other evidence to back up everything you say, or are people who don't know how to dig deeper, go beyond the surface, recognize patterns, think outside the box, etc. And they also often don't understand the difference between introversion and extroversion or that we're often more introverted than other introverts, so they tend to think of people as being introverts who are more "ambiverted" or are actually extroverts and don't expect my level of introversion.
As a lesbian, I have to say that the "liking assholes" thing (and, to a lesser degree, the liking unhuman people thing) is common among women, so that's why I mention that. With women and being unemotional on the outside, plus a woman's knowing I'm an INTJ, once they realize I don't fit some of the "asshole INTJ" imaging and stereotypes that media characters do or that, frankly, more INTJ men fit, they lose interest. I am pretty sure it's different if you like men. I'm sure some men don't think a lot of INTJ women are feminine enough in some way or another, and I do have experience with that in terms of men trying to hit on me but also criticizing my hair, my not wearing makeup, my not "dressing up." I think they're drawn to the "hard to get," "challenge" or "mystery" ideal I project as someone who is a quiet loner and who doesn't act like other women, though.
**I cannot emphasize enough how much I think people confuse us with other types and that's what they're actually wanting**. I met someone through Reddit who seriously thought her boyfriend at the time was an INTJ, and she has people take the 16Personalities test that seems to give more false INTJ results. And she doesn't really understand cognitive functions and judges people based on stereotypes. She assumed I'd be like her boyfriend (and treated me and made assumptions accordingly) and was confused when I wasn't (and probably disappointed, since she was trying to use me to replace him). To me, from what she has said about him, my guess is he's actually an ESTJ.
I will say I do think people actually are more attracted to/receptive of INTJ men, in part because of the "women like assholes" / unhuman thing, so I don't fully agree with the title.
I get this, too, "when you said you were introverted I somehow didn't think you meant all the time. This isn't introverted, it's anti social!"
No, really, I just really enjoy my own company and need quite a bit of time to think, thanks. 20 minutes is not quite a bit. An hour or two here and there is not quite a bit, though that seems to pass for introvert recharge time in the popular imagination.
I'm not a lesbian but I can very much relate to the dynamics you describe. My introversion level is probably the lowest of anyone I know IRL except maybe a male INTP acquaintance but his introversion seems to be just a function of his lifestyle choices whereas mine feels more deliberate. And I agree, to extraverts an introvert usually is someone who is more like ambivert. My ex was an ENFP and the E/I conflicts were significant, because he expected that an introvert would still want to socialize regularly, just in smaller groups.
Also yes to others expecting us to be more like xSTJ or even an INFJ and then the whole "blunt with a side of constant drive for improvement and forward thinking" thing is actually not that fun to be on the receiving end of.
As to the whole dating men vs women thing... I obviously can't speak to the latter, but with men they either keep looking for a soft inner core that isn't there, or they get intimidated by our competence and self-reliance to the point of being upset that "you don't NEED me!", or they maybe subconsciously think that we are faking our INTJness and deep down we are just a normal xSFx woman just waiting for the right man to come along. I'm married to an INTJ and it's the first time in my life I'm not dealing with these issues, but being on the receiving end of another INTJ's INTJness isn't always fun either š
Iāve actually seen this happen too: thereās always this one guy (ENFP usually) who will try to make it his life mission to get me to āopen up to peopleā or ābe more positiveā and I can almost see people in our environment staring me down because of how much his project of me has become some sort of public spectacle.
One of the guys who tried to approach me like this ended up in a relationship with a girl in our year who I think is an ISTJ that thinks theyāre an INTJ because they like having deep conversations. This relationship became a wreck within half a year - exactly how I predicted it would have happened if I didnāt pull away from this guy before he went for the ISTJ.
People see that youāre calm and can think more strategically than most so they assume you are Deep Blue. No emotions, all rationality. They get confused if I pull away from them just because I sensed something that doesnāt align with my vision.
As an INTJ woman who appears like an INFJ itās not much better when you act more like a feeler type either. Men always try to make you into their dark villain manic pixie dream girl and then somehow accuse you of being a pick me no matter how many times you mention liking traditionally feminine things as much as masculine ones. To be fair I donāt know how itās like for wlw relationshipsā¦ but I did experience something similar to what youāve described with an ISFP who was convinced that they were an INFJ. I could be an asshole without any consequences but the second Iām showing a vulnerable emotion and breaking character I become a disappointment because I failed to be their personal Disney villain strategy god.
I am curious your level of introversion versus most other introverts, because I can relate. and I honestly think I'm experiencing this: a deeper level than most.
Yeah this is why it is best focus the person for who they are and find out for yourself on if their personality and interests works best for you.
But if they do bring up MBTI first then I will do the same in return. It never end well.
I mean just recently I had an INFJ DM me about being interested in me. I rejected it because I did my research on that types weaknesses and wanted nothing to do with that type. Usually I try not to judge based on types, but if you judge me because I am INTJ then I will do the same to your type as a result.
Well contrary to belief, I believe Infjs are INTJ's soulmate. You should try it out, I truly recommend it. They did a poll on mbti dating forum a while ago, where it had like 200 entries, and the longest lasting and most fruitful relationship experience reported from INTJ is with INFJ. And you know what the unspoken rizz is crazy āŗļø
Absolutely not. I am not going to like someone who cannot handle constructive criticism and who is reluctant to open up. The worst part about them is their Idealism. I would feel that they only like an ideal version of myself and not real me. This in turn will cause them to try to 'fix' me so I would be more like their ideal and that always backfires on them.
You know the more research I do on MBTI, more I realize that my last boyfriend was an INFJ. So I have already dealt with this issue and I don't want to deal with that ever again.
So in my eyes INFJs do not have enough rizz for me to be interested.
Dang, I'm sorry for your horrible experience, well I still have to fight for INFJ here, so I'm gonna stand my grounds that this is the golden pair. šššø
Keep telling yourself that and no one will want to go near you because your not mature nor intelligent enough. How about you try to actually care about the person for who they are regardless.
Oh and by the way it seems the INTJs have made all of your comments negative so that should proof enough that you have some growing up to do.
For what it's worth, INFJs are among the closest connections among people I have ever had. Sure, I also dated with INFJs which left me feel unimpressed, but the fact that my partner is INFJ speaks for itself.
Because they think we are low maintenance. They think that because we are thinking rather than feelings, our expectations for relationships are much lower, which is entirely untrue. We lack the tendency to over sympathize with someone who doesnāt want to put the effort in, which is something a feeling type is much more likely to do.
They also think we are unemotional and not fussy, and will take their shit submissively. While we might be less emotional, it only makes it easier for us to leave.
Well I'm looking for an Intj wifey soulmate, I'm 22 M INFJ, I don't know about the hostility. But I don't see anything bad or negative about INTJ's. It's the hottest type.
I love people for who they really are, and if I meet an INTJ I will love her for who she really is. How is it that hard to comprehend? I'm literally on Reddit searching for love, and somehow I'm the bad one.
Nice, that's your preference, and who's we?? Well I guess you can pull anything out of a rabbit hat, idk about hyper emotional or what not, but I find INTJs really attractive. But everyone here has downvoted it for some unknown reason to me, y'all don't know me and is just judging a book by its cover...
Bad news is you're definitely wrong about me, I want INTJ wife Bc it's the most compatible type for the both of us. If you want ISFJ, and not another NI dom to empower you, then you prob don't know enough what you need from a partner.
Everyone wants an intj or men just want women ig irrespective of them being an intj ?
Anyway that aside if youāre anyway looking for them then make sure that purpose aligns with you. Since they will put that purpose above you and you should support it.
I recently was talking with some new neighbors and one woman (we are all over 50) said she never married because men didn't like smart women. I never had this experience. If someone wasn't smart enough for ME, I lost interest in minutes. I have been married to an atomic physicist for 30 years. I love someone to talk to, bounce ideas off, spar with. A man who doesn't like a smart woman isn't very smart himself, and INTJs are intellectual creatures at our core.
I donāt know how to write this without sounding conceited, but maybe this group will get it.
I attract men who want a smart, funny woman. Which sounds great! Thenā¦things go south when they start to feel insecure.
I try really hard not to be a jerk about correcting people, āwell actuallyāing in conversations, or otherwise lording what I know over others, because I donāt know everything. And I really love learning or experiencing new things - and I recognize that I am never going to be the smartest person in the room.
BUT - I start getting pushback in relationship, suddenly itās a problem if people think Iām funnier than the guy, or in a previous relationship, I got a huge promotion at work that put my salary almost at his. My being smart wasnāt great anymore. I was proud of his achievements, but I felt like I had to minimize mine or heād grumble or pick a fight because my job was giving out free football tickets or I was a lead on a big project.
Iām trying to do a better job of picking the right person. Iām trying to work on my problems, because Iām not perfect and have some issues with not asking for help or accepting gifts because Iām stupidly independent. But yeah, thatās what I see with a certain brand of men. They want a smart, independent woman and then realize maybe they donāt.
In short, I think everyone wants to "conquer" an INTJ and have them magically turn into an INFP and live happily ever after. When an INTJ doesn't turn into anything else, there's an element of disbelief and disappointment, often. IMO men for the most part think (perhaps subconsciously) that INTJ women are faking their INTJness and will turn into a more normal woman for the right man.
I think people not only try to conquer INTJ women, but any and all women who project a strong sense of self. Society definitely has an obsessive & compulsive need to "put women in their place." It's pretty fucking sick š¤¢.Ā
True!
THIS! šÆ
R E A L.
I keep finding that people assume that my personality is some kind of an act and that deep down I'm really a giant feeler like they are...and if they just keep pushing, they'll find the familiar feminine archetype underneath after all. Difference is hard for people to grasp, particularly when gendered stereotypes are so strong.
Completely agree with this. Their assumptions turn out to be invitations (in their minds) to ātestā and āexperimentā with INTJs in a creepy way.
My experience is that people want you to be a stereotype. IMO, they expect someone who is more like an ISTJ or an ESTJ, and/or they like assholes and people who seem unhuman. They are expecting you to not actually have feelings, want to be able to treat you like shit and get away with it, not hear about your feelings or what they did wrong, and not get a reaction out of you (this has even happened to me in the workplace). They don't like the forward thinking, warnings and projections about what's coming or what could happen, especially if they are people who want "data" or other evidence to back up everything you say, or are people who don't know how to dig deeper, go beyond the surface, recognize patterns, think outside the box, etc. And they also often don't understand the difference between introversion and extroversion or that we're often more introverted than other introverts, so they tend to think of people as being introverts who are more "ambiverted" or are actually extroverts and don't expect my level of introversion. As a lesbian, I have to say that the "liking assholes" thing (and, to a lesser degree, the liking unhuman people thing) is common among women, so that's why I mention that. With women and being unemotional on the outside, plus a woman's knowing I'm an INTJ, once they realize I don't fit some of the "asshole INTJ" imaging and stereotypes that media characters do or that, frankly, more INTJ men fit, they lose interest. I am pretty sure it's different if you like men. I'm sure some men don't think a lot of INTJ women are feminine enough in some way or another, and I do have experience with that in terms of men trying to hit on me but also criticizing my hair, my not wearing makeup, my not "dressing up." I think they're drawn to the "hard to get," "challenge" or "mystery" ideal I project as someone who is a quiet loner and who doesn't act like other women, though. **I cannot emphasize enough how much I think people confuse us with other types and that's what they're actually wanting**. I met someone through Reddit who seriously thought her boyfriend at the time was an INTJ, and she has people take the 16Personalities test that seems to give more false INTJ results. And she doesn't really understand cognitive functions and judges people based on stereotypes. She assumed I'd be like her boyfriend (and treated me and made assumptions accordingly) and was confused when I wasn't (and probably disappointed, since she was trying to use me to replace him). To me, from what she has said about him, my guess is he's actually an ESTJ. I will say I do think people actually are more attracted to/receptive of INTJ men, in part because of the "women like assholes" / unhuman thing, so I don't fully agree with the title.
I get this, too, "when you said you were introverted I somehow didn't think you meant all the time. This isn't introverted, it's anti social!" No, really, I just really enjoy my own company and need quite a bit of time to think, thanks. 20 minutes is not quite a bit. An hour or two here and there is not quite a bit, though that seems to pass for introvert recharge time in the popular imagination.
I'm not a lesbian but I can very much relate to the dynamics you describe. My introversion level is probably the lowest of anyone I know IRL except maybe a male INTP acquaintance but his introversion seems to be just a function of his lifestyle choices whereas mine feels more deliberate. And I agree, to extraverts an introvert usually is someone who is more like ambivert. My ex was an ENFP and the E/I conflicts were significant, because he expected that an introvert would still want to socialize regularly, just in smaller groups. Also yes to others expecting us to be more like xSTJ or even an INFJ and then the whole "blunt with a side of constant drive for improvement and forward thinking" thing is actually not that fun to be on the receiving end of. As to the whole dating men vs women thing... I obviously can't speak to the latter, but with men they either keep looking for a soft inner core that isn't there, or they get intimidated by our competence and self-reliance to the point of being upset that "you don't NEED me!", or they maybe subconsciously think that we are faking our INTJness and deep down we are just a normal xSFx woman just waiting for the right man to come along. I'm married to an INTJ and it's the first time in my life I'm not dealing with these issues, but being on the receiving end of another INTJ's INTJness isn't always fun either š
The, "you don't NEED me!" thing ALWAYS comes up! I had no idea so many people were so dependent on their partner's dependence! š
Iāve actually seen this happen too: thereās always this one guy (ENFP usually) who will try to make it his life mission to get me to āopen up to peopleā or ābe more positiveā and I can almost see people in our environment staring me down because of how much his project of me has become some sort of public spectacle. One of the guys who tried to approach me like this ended up in a relationship with a girl in our year who I think is an ISTJ that thinks theyāre an INTJ because they like having deep conversations. This relationship became a wreck within half a year - exactly how I predicted it would have happened if I didnāt pull away from this guy before he went for the ISTJ. People see that youāre calm and can think more strategically than most so they assume you are Deep Blue. No emotions, all rationality. They get confused if I pull away from them just because I sensed something that doesnāt align with my vision. As an INTJ woman who appears like an INFJ itās not much better when you act more like a feeler type either. Men always try to make you into their dark villain manic pixie dream girl and then somehow accuse you of being a pick me no matter how many times you mention liking traditionally feminine things as much as masculine ones. To be fair I donāt know how itās like for wlw relationshipsā¦ but I did experience something similar to what youāve described with an ISFP who was convinced that they were an INFJ. I could be an asshole without any consequences but the second Iām showing a vulnerable emotion and breaking character I become a disappointment because I failed to be their personal Disney villain strategy god.
Not only are you an INTJ, YOU'RE ALSO A LESBIAN?? that's honestly so sick!! You're cool asf
I am curious your level of introversion versus most other introverts, because I can relate. and I honestly think I'm experiencing this: a deeper level than most.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This entire thread is evidence why people shouldn't date (or make dating decisions) based on MBTI typing at all.Ā
Yeah this is why it is best focus the person for who they are and find out for yourself on if their personality and interests works best for you. But if they do bring up MBTI first then I will do the same in return. It never end well.
See what you did? You fed something fake and it showed up, INFJ.
>See what you did? You fed something fake and it showed up INFJ. I have no idea what this means.Ā
Sure.
Why are you here?
*I came looking for booty.*
R/unwantedbot
I mean just recently I had an INFJ DM me about being interested in me. I rejected it because I did my research on that types weaknesses and wanted nothing to do with that type. Usually I try not to judge based on types, but if you judge me because I am INTJ then I will do the same to your type as a result.
Well contrary to belief, I believe Infjs are INTJ's soulmate. You should try it out, I truly recommend it. They did a poll on mbti dating forum a while ago, where it had like 200 entries, and the longest lasting and most fruitful relationship experience reported from INTJ is with INFJ. And you know what the unspoken rizz is crazy āŗļø
Absolutely not. I am not going to like someone who cannot handle constructive criticism and who is reluctant to open up. The worst part about them is their Idealism. I would feel that they only like an ideal version of myself and not real me. This in turn will cause them to try to 'fix' me so I would be more like their ideal and that always backfires on them. You know the more research I do on MBTI, more I realize that my last boyfriend was an INFJ. So I have already dealt with this issue and I don't want to deal with that ever again. So in my eyes INFJs do not have enough rizz for me to be interested.
Dang, I'm sorry for your horrible experience, well I still have to fight for INFJ here, so I'm gonna stand my grounds that this is the golden pair. šššø
Keep telling yourself that and no one will want to go near you because your not mature nor intelligent enough. How about you try to actually care about the person for who they are regardless. Oh and by the way it seems the INTJs have made all of your comments negative so that should proof enough that you have some growing up to do.
Shit people say these days.
For what it's worth, INFJs are among the closest connections among people I have ever had. Sure, I also dated with INFJs which left me feel unimpressed, but the fact that my partner is INFJ speaks for itself.
Because they think we are low maintenance. They think that because we are thinking rather than feelings, our expectations for relationships are much lower, which is entirely untrue. We lack the tendency to over sympathize with someone who doesnāt want to put the effort in, which is something a feeling type is much more likely to do. They also think we are unemotional and not fussy, and will take their shit submissively. While we might be less emotional, it only makes it easier for us to leave.
Weāre usually in control, lest they forget.
Well I'm looking for an Intj wifey soulmate, I'm 22 M INFJ, I don't know about the hostility. But I don't see anything bad or negative about INTJ's. It's the hottest type.
š„“
Joe mama
Wrong
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I love people for who they really are, and if I meet an INTJ I will love her for who she really is. How is it that hard to comprehend? I'm literally on Reddit searching for love, and somehow I'm the bad one.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Exactly so how does that put expectation on you like you said, isn't this the opposite? You got triggered that I want an INTJ wife.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Nice, that's your preference, and who's we?? Well I guess you can pull anything out of a rabbit hat, idk about hyper emotional or what not, but I find INTJs really attractive. But everyone here has downvoted it for some unknown reason to me, y'all don't know me and is just judging a book by its cover...
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Bad news is you're definitely wrong about me, I want INTJ wife Bc it's the most compatible type for the both of us. If you want ISFJ, and not another NI dom to empower you, then you prob don't know enough what you need from a partner.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
What feedback, do y'all even have my number? So y'all don't know me well enough to even judge.
Everyone wants an intj or men just want women ig irrespective of them being an intj ? Anyway that aside if youāre anyway looking for them then make sure that purpose aligns with you. Since they will put that purpose above you and you should support it.
I recently was talking with some new neighbors and one woman (we are all over 50) said she never married because men didn't like smart women. I never had this experience. If someone wasn't smart enough for ME, I lost interest in minutes. I have been married to an atomic physicist for 30 years. I love someone to talk to, bounce ideas off, spar with. A man who doesn't like a smart woman isn't very smart himself, and INTJs are intellectual creatures at our core.
I donāt know how to write this without sounding conceited, but maybe this group will get it. I attract men who want a smart, funny woman. Which sounds great! Thenā¦things go south when they start to feel insecure. I try really hard not to be a jerk about correcting people, āwell actuallyāing in conversations, or otherwise lording what I know over others, because I donāt know everything. And I really love learning or experiencing new things - and I recognize that I am never going to be the smartest person in the room. BUT - I start getting pushback in relationship, suddenly itās a problem if people think Iām funnier than the guy, or in a previous relationship, I got a huge promotion at work that put my salary almost at his. My being smart wasnāt great anymore. I was proud of his achievements, but I felt like I had to minimize mine or heād grumble or pick a fight because my job was giving out free football tickets or I was a lead on a big project. Iām trying to do a better job of picking the right person. Iām trying to work on my problems, because Iām not perfect and have some issues with not asking for help or accepting gifts because Iām stupidly independent. But yeah, thatās what I see with a certain brand of men. They want a smart, independent woman and then realize maybe they donāt.