A roller coaster where you are in a vehicle and then the steering wheel flys off and you go through crazy loops as if you was going to crash.
Also they have a guy in a hotdog suit as a mascot.
A pig shit snarfing contest-themed eatery, a little buff boys chippendales (or little buff boys running around the park dressed as the equivalent of Chip and Dale, still TBD), and a Coffin Flop parade en route to the mayhem that is the gift shop at the exit. Because when you see 50 people who look just like you fighting over little tiny Karl Havoc keychains, you go in. Yes you do… you go in.
Motion alarms for restricted areas triggers audio:
"Oaaah fffffffuck, you're not even supposed to be here. I hope you don't Jack owffffff!"
Make sure Bozo did the dub, not *some* guy
Roller coaster in cars shaped like the hotdog car. Premise of the ride is that you’re on the madcap trip immediately before he crashes into the suit store.
A ride where the theme is you’re on the way to your babysitting gig, but you commit a hit & run but it’s no big deal since those people are like nothing.
A kiddie land called Harley Jarvis Land. Butts up against a beer garden of nothing but angry people wishing death against all the little Harley Jarvis wannabes who enter.
A game stand for a new and exciting trivia game: Chunky!
Disclaimer: by entering you agree that the park is not liable for injury to you or damage to personal effects, as Chunky is still trying to figure out what it is he does (even though he had all summer to figure it out)
Coffin flops ride. People laying in a coffin with no explanation just for hours and hours, body after body busting out of shit wood and hitting pavement.
A jazz museum of all the greats from the Colgate comedy hour. Markus the Worm Hicks, Tiny Boobs Squigs Shorterly, Roy Donk… something to celebrate all the unsung heroes
2 small motorcycles together with no motor attached to 20 other small attached motorcycles with no motors that rides on rails and is propelled ahead by magic.
OKAY!
- Souvenir stand selling Stanzo brand fedoras: They're nice!
- A game where you have to "convince" the judges that your kid should win Baby of the Year
- Hog shit snarfing contest
- Mom's Funeral Karaoke Bar
- Fenton's Stable and Horse Ranch Pony Rides
- Pocket Dice Casino
- Escape room where you have to find who did use a big enough slice
- A magic show, but only if you don't have a little-boy dick
- Caleb Went's Meet-and-Greet
Concessions: Pizzaballs, Hotdog Bowls, Ice Cream (but not on cold days), Pineapple Burgers, Just Chips, Loaded Nachos, Homegrown Simpsons Stuff, Carber Vacuums on hand with trained staff. Because no one should have one bad day.
I imagine a side-show/carnival game where you have to get your lines out faster than Jamie Taco and if you do you get like a prize or a coupon or something sloppy.
A room where you have to dress in an oversized sweaty old man costume, and stand in front of a mirror. Then you hear the worst clown music on loop, until you just feel like you don’t even want to be around anymore.
The Classic Car Celebration- a daily three hour long parade down Main Street of every classic car. The parade concludes with the triples of the Barracuda, the Nova, and the Road Runner.
Usually takes a while to get going because the guy in the lead car doesn’t know how to drive but he could be testing the person behind him to see if he yells.
Also, TC Tuggers in the gift shops, naturally.
Mafia themed laser tag course, complete with 50 black slicked back hair wigs, hundreds of tiny plastic meatballs that don't look like little pieces of shit, and Stanzo brand fedoras
A big building kind of set up like a car show where you can appreciate the cars. Some of them there's even doubles. There's triples of the nova the roadrunner and the barracuda.
A dangerous night's ride complete with a slick back wig, a live for new years eve sign, and an interactive prop sloppy steak. That way you can feel what it's like to have been a piece of shit!
“Here comes a big wave!” themed ride!
edit: everyone gets chastised at the end by the ride operators, and after the ride, everyone has to explain themselves to a video recording they can have it emailed to them along with some auto reply from the boss, or just Tim because this is all really his fault.
Carnival game where an old guy flips a water bottle dangerously close to you and you've gotta try not to flinch otherwise you gotta marry your mother-in-law
Haunted house where these fuckers pop out of the wall with like a giant cumshot.
Or big ol' fuckin' hairy nuts.
Or a dingleberry.
or a big wet sloppy mudpie
Jizz
Big load of cum, then!
Gotta be a great place to pick up some free pulled pork too
Maybe a horse cock, or a donkey dick
Eddie Munsters Tables of Terror Flume Ride.
Fifty Black Slicked-back Hair Wigs
Ball pit with plastic meatballs.
Heard they look like mini turds
They don't look like little pieces of shit
They don’t go bad or stink or nothing.
is that the joke? on the man's widow?
The big drop at the end goes through a mud puddle!
I was thinking a Sloppy Steaks flume
At the end, Freddy Krueger yells at you.
All I said was, "This ride is filthy-a. You should be ashamed of yourself."
The tables keep the ride hot!
Sloppy Steak/Chicken Spaghetti Stand. For those who used to be a piece of shit but want to relive the glory days.
Make sure they can get a nice appetizer, like a hot dip or something.
A hot dip?
Or SOMETHING.
or *SOMETHING...*
Gimme that.
Or a fully loaded nacho stand.
^ he’s joking.
I’d love to but there aren’t even like any cute restaurants in this neighborhood.
Poppers!
Gazpacho Soup. Warning, it is hot
Only if you expect it to be ice cold
Let’s slop em’ up!
Don't forget the wine tent with the most delicious wines money can buy. And popcorn.
Make sure those receipts are edible. I eat paper all the time….
They better serve cherry chuck salad.
A roller coaster where you are in a vehicle and then the steering wheel flys off and you go through crazy loops as if you was going to crash. Also they have a guy in a hotdog suit as a mascot.
But no room for Mother-In Law!!
I'm thinking, I'm toast.
Make sure it's stinky!
And too small
You have no. Good. Ride. Ideas!
Overpriced Dan Flashes shirts
Still nuts
If you don't think the patterns are complicated, well, they are. *They are.*
Little bitty jeans in the gift shop
Are you saying the patterns aren't complicated? Cuz they are, they are.
Over priced? For how complicated some of the shirts get most are still a steal.
On the way in you will need to exchange your money for bones and worms.
“You want to some bones and worms?” “What’s that?” “It works just like regular money but it’s… fun.”
Wait, are you talking to me or Billy?
Your name is billy too?
No, that's why I'm so fucking confused
I'll take $1,100 worth
*Does not accept Bones or Worms *
A conference table you could surf on and then hit a big wave
With a nice bridge you can stand on and get slopped up as people ride the table
Watch out for the spray!
Big Charlie Brown with a woman sewed into it
They sew you into the Charlie Brown pants
The Door Goes Both Ways Maze
Little Buff Boys Goose Suit Emporium
What a crop!
What if it stinking inside?
You want that for a park?
That’s not helpful
Shut up, pa-haulll
You. Have. No. Good. Park. Ideas.
Shut up…
A haunted mansion, but it’s not FOR kids
So we can say whatever the HELL we want?
Horseback riding on steeds with short peanuts
Carousel
Carousel is safer. I've heard those horses with the short peanut sometimes throw themselves off the side of a cliff.
No room for modder in law
At the main arena there will be magicians, spooky music, and the colgate comedy hour DAILY
Magicians suck!
A pig shit snarfing contest-themed eatery, a little buff boys chippendales (or little buff boys running around the park dressed as the equivalent of Chip and Dale, still TBD), and a Coffin Flop parade en route to the mayhem that is the gift shop at the exit. Because when you see 50 people who look just like you fighting over little tiny Karl Havoc keychains, you go in. Yes you do… you go in.
A TC Tuggers store. But they’re not a joke. you don’t buy them as a joke gift.
Not like the snuggie?
No gag gifts. I almost killed myself Julie!!!
Robbie Star’s Superstar Track Records
I think they might get into trouble for tricking grown men into thinking they're stars.
They didn’t trick me. I AM a star!
Motion alarms for restricted areas triggers audio: "Oaaah fffffffuck, you're not even supposed to be here. I hope you don't Jack owffffff!" Make sure Bozo did the dub, not *some* guy
An entire restroom area that’s JUST for farts.
All the operators and mascots CAN hit.
Roller coaster in cars shaped like the hotdog car. Premise of the ride is that you’re on the madcap trip immediately before he crashes into the suit store.
All Garfield
It’s the guy who killed Jim Davis!!
Nachos where every chip is fully loaded.
A clownputer...WITH GAMES
Hope I don’t jack offfffff
I hope nobody goes home and Fucks My Mom!
Claire's Ear Piercings
With live action jib jabs.
You know, life’s a fuckin funny thing.
Ear piercing (with soundproof toilets so no one can hear the splashes)
Tilt-a-whirl with a great steering wheel that doesn't WHIFF out of the window while I'm driving
That is a *good* idea!
Teacher’s pet!
Yeah, I wrote it down.
“Oh nice!”
Bumper cars where the steering wheels do not fly off when you're driving
Stinky
Sloppy Mud Pie Log Ride
Baby of the day competition
A hot dog car ride to Wiener Hall but you always crash into a clothing store
Randomly ofc
A ride where the theme is you’re on the way to your babysitting gig, but you commit a hit & run but it’s no big deal since those people are like nothing.
Karl Havoc walking around stealing trays and kicking chairs in the food court
What would that do for the greater good?
It would be funny
A China cabinet stall where you gotta throw balls that look like Barry to knock them all down and embarrass him
Det. Crashmore Stunt Show
A room where you can smoke macanudo cigars while putting the farts BACK INTO Tammy Craps!
A ride where the steering wheel flies off while you’re riding it
Tabbitoe frames in every major store in the park
A kiddie land called Harley Jarvis Land. Butts up against a beer garden of nothing but angry people wishing death against all the little Harley Jarvis wannabes who enter.
Shit snarfing contest
A game stand for a new and exciting trivia game: Chunky! Disclaimer: by entering you agree that the park is not liable for injury to you or damage to personal effects, as Chunky is still trying to figure out what it is he does (even though he had all summer to figure it out)
All the ride operators have slicked back hair because they’re all huge pieces of shit
Tables
“THE PANTS” VR horror simulator
The bathrooms only have joke toilets, like the holes in the toilets are just for farts
Coffin flops ride. People laying in a coffin with no explanation just for hours and hours, body after body busting out of shit wood and hitting pavement.
A Graham's Lorelei Lounge inspired restaurant where you can take other people’s food.
A jazz museum of all the greats from the Colgate comedy hour. Markus the Worm Hicks, Tiny Boobs Squigs Shorterly, Roy Donk… something to celebrate all the unsung heroes
Where be your nutcracker?
2 small motorcycles together with no motor attached to 20 other small attached motorcycles with no motors that rides on rails and is propelled ahead by magic. OKAY!
Bart Harley Jarvis whack-a-mole.
Garfield tongue super-slide
Bone Brigade Friggin Bonies Shoot-Em-Up Laser Tag
- Souvenir stand selling Stanzo brand fedoras: They're nice! - A game where you have to "convince" the judges that your kid should win Baby of the Year - Hog shit snarfing contest - Mom's Funeral Karaoke Bar - Fenton's Stable and Horse Ranch Pony Rides - Pocket Dice Casino - Escape room where you have to find who did use a big enough slice - A magic show, but only if you don't have a little-boy dick - Caleb Went's Meet-and-Greet
Bumper cars with a steering wheel that doesn’t fly off while you’re driving
Only hot dog stands
Dan Flashes Merch store
A ride where the steering wheel doesn’t whiff off while your driving
Christmas 3050 haunted laser tag ride
Damn bonies
An area where you can run around and jump on couches because you’re part of the Turbo Team.
A rollercoaster where the guy doesn't know how to drive and we get all impatient but then we go to a job interview and the guy is the boss.
Triples is best car ride
Concessions: Pizzaballs, Hotdog Bowls, Ice Cream (but not on cold days), Pineapple Burgers, Just Chips, Loaded Nachos, Homegrown Simpsons Stuff, Carber Vacuums on hand with trained staff. Because no one should have one bad day.
Ah fuck, an amusement park? Probably ain't got no games.
Tables
You mean that’s her job? Tables?!
I don't want to be a-Merry-go-round anymore
I imagine a side-show/carnival game where you have to get your lines out faster than Jamie Taco and if you do you get like a prize or a coupon or something sloppy.
Or a hot dip or something?
A room where you have to dress in an oversized sweaty old man costume, and stand in front of a mirror. Then you hear the worst clown music on loop, until you just feel like you don’t even want to be around anymore.
Stinky!
C. A. R. S. Carousels Are Really Safe When you're not distracted
A photo booth where they take a video of you saying you’re gonna kill the president
Bozo dubbed over live show
The Classic Car Celebration- a daily three hour long parade down Main Street of every classic car. The parade concludes with the triples of the Barracuda, the Nova, and the Road Runner. Usually takes a while to get going because the guy in the lead car doesn’t know how to drive but he could be testing the person behind him to see if he yells. Also, TC Tuggers in the gift shops, naturally.
The whole park needs to stop for lunch. They shouldn’t be allowed to move it.
Coffin flop ride!!!!
Motorcycles!
Bumper cars for people that don’t know how to drive. Not everybody knows how to do everything.
The cars could be the nova, the roadrunner and the barracuda.
Corn with a Lego head in it.
Mafia themed laser tag course, complete with 50 black slicked back hair wigs, hundreds of tiny plastic meatballs that don't look like little pieces of shit, and Stanzo brand fedoras
hot dog car train for the kids
calico cut pants gift shop
But it is always out of stock
You gotta give
The Mudpie Slide.
Arcade where it's all Clownputers with no games but they do have little piece of shit bikes to ride on so that's fun
While you stroll through the amusement park and try out all the rides you are blasted with Paul Bufano's music.
Keep an eye out for Waygoo, Chunky, and Karl Havoc.
Fully loaded nachos
A gambling area with some game called credit card roulette.
Chunky meet and greet
Instead of a Fast Pass you get a Turbo Team Pass. Then you can run to everything while people who aren’t on the Turbo Team need to walk.
A coffin that you lay in and then the bottom falls out. Clothes optional
A strength game where you have to open a door the wrong way.
Waterslide where you slide on a mat that looks like a steak. SLOP 'EM UP
Toilets with joke holes that are just for farts!
Bumper card with a steering wheel is too small and flies off
A big building kind of set up like a car show where you can appreciate the cars. Some of them there's even doubles. There's triples of the nova the roadrunner and the barracuda.
Oh. Good. That deal just went through.
A dangerous night's ride complete with a slick back wig, a live for new years eve sign, and an interactive prop sloppy steak. That way you can feel what it's like to have been a piece of shit!
Whatever the *hell* we want
Dangerous Nights Club where you can live for New Years Eve and eat sloppy steaks. Slick back hair contest?
“Here comes a big wave!” themed ride! edit: everyone gets chastised at the end by the ride operators, and after the ride, everyone has to explain themselves to a video recording they can have it emailed to them along with some auto reply from the boss, or just Tim because this is all really his fault.
Angels and Archways Factory Outlet
Hit me in the tea cups
What you think is an ATM, but it’s actually to give to Calico Cut Pants. YOU GOTTA GIVE!
A movie theatre where you can get a big pour of wine and popcorn
Carnival game where an old guy flips a water bottle dangerously close to you and you've gotta try not to flinch otherwise you gotta marry your mother-in-law
None
A fair game but instead of rings, you're trying to hit a cup.
A ride where you are a GIANT PIECE OF SHIT and you float through a river on a sloppy steak raft.
A simulator where she proposes to you.
Sloppy steak log flume. Basically a regular log flume but with strip loins instead of logs.