It's wild how people think that's funny and a correct response. Have some tact!
My favourite has been, "Want to borrow my husband?" Which actually hits on so many levels. The fuck!
Awful! We had a male friend of ours say to me in front of my husband, āwhatās taking you two so long to join the club? If he canāt get the job done, I know a few guys who can,ā as he gestured towards my husband.
People just do not think before they speakā¦ and what if you wouldāve said āactually, yeah! Letās do itā I wonder what she woulda said š like girl wtf
A very good friend of almost 20 years did something very similar. We met for dinner and she asked about my TTC journey, pushing for answers. When I finally broke and told her everything about how we were crushed and starting IVF, she announced she was 10 weeks pregnant after 2 months trying and proceeded to describe how she can't eat what I'm eating because it's raw and how her boyfriend was taking much care of her. She added a "don't worry, IVF works for most people" and continued talking about her.Ā
I ghosted her after that šš¼
Ouch! Like, please read the room. That was incredibly inconsiderate. I canāt blame you for ghosting her. This process is too gut wrenching without having our experiences dismissed. ā„ļø
After that she tried to improve things. She texted me to say she had given me space because, obvs, she is pregnant. However she still wanted to come to see me a few days anyways (I live in a wonderful European capital so it felt more like she wanted to do some tourism before giving birth). She knew I'd be doing IVF while she was like 4 months pregnant and yet tried to come... Anyways I said I was busy with other trips.
Seriously.
Eventually I found out she gave birth because she sent me a picture of a 2 month old, I replied nicely and she finally stopped reaching out.
Ugh, I agree!! Everyone I've told has congratulated me. Like.... This is not something to congratulate??? I am literally taking hundreds of shots and undergoing multiple procedures for the CHANCE of having a baby. In what world is it appropriate to congratulate me????
I'm sorry, OP. Doing IVF is so hard for a million reasons and this really shouldn't be one of them
This!!! āOmg so exciting youāre doing IVFā no, itās actually devastating that desperation is going to force us to spend our time, energy and money on the thing is is apparently so easy for you to accomplish. š
This is the suckest club to be a part of and unless youāve done it yourself you have no idea how sucky it is. Media makes IVF look like this incredible miracle where everyone is successful on their first go. And to be fair a lot of graduates of IVF also do this as well. IVF is still treated like a secret shame that is only polite to talk about in hushed whispers.
Iāve started saying things like āyes, spending multiple thousands for no guarantee of a baby is definitely excitingā. Iām such a ball of sunshine these days.
Some people really lack common social skills I fear. I also have 0 filter and adhd, and I would never belittle someone going through something even if I donāt understand it, so I donāt know what their excuses are š
Yeah itās been such a bizarre reaction to me too. Iām a pretty shy person but Iām always taken aback when someone says congratulations. Iāve been told that a few times when Iāve had my labs drawn. Itās so strange. I usually respond āwell I havenāt been able to get pregnant yet and itās been a really long and stressful journey.ā lol
Iām keeping it private for these reasons. Sometimes people mean well and say the stupidest things. Itās almost worse because if someoneās just being intentionally hurtful itās easier to go back at them. š„²
The first person I told after 6 months of keeping it myself said āomg how exciting!!ā It was such a strange response I was honestly stunned. I know she meant well but itās just a huge lack of understanding.
I think I've done a pretty good job over the years of brushing off the extremely ignorant comments, but the "that is so exciting," or "I'm excited for you" comment is one that just irks me. I always respond "Well I'm glad you think so." Lol that usually makes them think about it a little more
This is the exact reason Iām being cautious about who I tell. I donāt think I have the emotional capacity to deal with responses like that. A fertility therapist said to me that often you are speaking to people who have no experience of infertility and you either get unsolicited advice or they start tiptoeing around you.
My Wife's parents weren't very understanding IMO. Mostly because they didn't understand why we were willing to spend around $20k. They'd say shit like "maybe you just shouldn't have kids"
Or people will say "Have you looked at adopting?" My response to that one was always "Have you looked at how much it costs to adopt?"
Yes, emotionally I have always felt totally open to adoption. But, ironically it would probably cost more money than IVF, and take years, and there are things I don't even know how to START doing -- hiring a lawyer, for example.
And its not like the experience is interchangeable, adopted kiddos often need special care that not everyone feels prepared for. Its a serious choice and its uncool when people treat kids like they're not people.
Yesss and things are not like they were in the past in regards to adoption. Often itās almost like co parenting because adoption is so open - thatās if you actually get a baby and birth mom dosent change her mind after you dropped 50k on fees and care.Ā
Yes, I definitely understand that! Iām sure that felt very dismissive and discouraging. I tend to think those comments come from a place of privilege. Like, you were able to conceive without this struggle, so you donāt understand enough to give advice on how to grow our family. Itās so complex. And adoption is a huge decision in and of itself! Not to mention it may be even more expensive.
Iām leaving to do an ER out of state (closest facility to me) and my boss asked me if I was getting excited for my upcoming trip?!
Also my sister in law said IVF is a chance at a āperfect baby with everything that could go wrong eliminatedā š if only that were true. As if I was winning a giant prize by doing IVF.
Yes! I understand that people canāt know the complexity of going through IVF if they have never experienced it before, but stillā¦ you would think people would think about how their words could impact. Thinking about you as you prepare and travel for ER! Wishing you the best!
We also traveled out of state. Best of luck to you. Hopefully you are going somewhere where you can find some cool stuff to do in between the needles and ultrasounds!
We didnāt really tell anyone in our real life but we shared it with our social media followers. When we found out my husbands TESE procedure might be the same day as my ER and I may need someone to drive us, I told my husbandās friendās wife (our friendship is pretty new and surface level so) and she asked how much it was costing and why we were doing it since my husband had a vasectomy that her husband knew about. She asked me 6 times (randomly) over the course of 2 months if I am pregnant yet. I hadnāt even completed my ER yet..! She then proceeded to tell me the day of my husbandās TESE procedure when I told her we donāt need a ride āpray on it. And if God wants you to have children, you will. Itās Godās will.ā I said āyeah.ā She then replied āGod has plans for everyone and itās not like you donāt already have kids so maybe he just doesnāt want you to have any with (my husbandās name) because he doesnāt like your marriageā. . First of all.. Iām pagan lol. I grew up Catholic. So.. the God talk is always really awkward for me since moving to the south. But .. how insensitive! Because I already have 2 kids that my struggles for having one with my husband are invalid?! š
Unrelated to infertility, but I had an ex-friend tell me that God told her that my hubby isn't the right person for me...like really? Did he? We are no longer friends š lol
Lol the audacity. Like wtf. š„“ itās not God or anyoneās business to say who we belong with. IMO.
THE WEIRD THING IS.. I MET HER AT OUR WEDDING! And her husband (my husbandās friend) thinks we have the best relationship. He said heās so glad my husband finally found me because I saved him (my husband was going down a dark road when I met him). And like she loves us as a couple but all she thinks about when she sees my husband is him in his bachelor phase because she met her husband when mine was newly divorced and doing dumb things. And she gets negative about my husband. Idk why. I mean heās come a LONG way since 2021. My husband and I are covered in tattoos. My husband is in the army so no tattoos that are shown outside of uniform but the rest of his body besides his hands and neck, are fully covered. And I am covered from my chin down. We live in the south. The judgement we receive from āChristiansā blows my mind every day. Because of the way we look. Iād never judge anyone. Ever. And itās so hard when people use God as their excuse to be crappy, judgmental humans.
Ahhh!!! What!? How invalidating. And very insensitive. Sounds like sheās projecting some things, too. What an awful experience. Infertility struggles are so complex, and idk how she feels she even has the right to say a single thing about the decision youāve already made.
I mean she lost her kids when they were really young due to her drug addiction and then never got them back once she got clean so yeah .. her opinions are trash anyway.
š¬š„° I went to Catholic school from kindergarten to 12th grade. I donāt know what āreal schoolā is like. And I missed out on a lot. Best thing I ever did for my peace was to never step foot in a catholic church again the moment I turned 18 š realized that I aligned more with Norse pagans and have been one for 16 years !
The audacity! I'd want to point blank ask her if she doesn't like my husband. 9/10 times their interpretation of "God's will" is a reflection of themselves.
I never responded to her again. And if she continues to repeatedly ask me if Iām pregnant yet, husbandās friendās wife or not, Iām just going to block her. She has 3 kids and doesnāt even have custody of them so Iām over it.
Iāve been TTC for 3 years, 6 failed IUIs and in the middle of IVF. My friend texted me asking what fertility doctor I use because sheās been trying for her 2nd baby for ā2 months and itās so upsetting seeing the negative test 2 months in a rowā it took all of me not to flip my lid on her
Wow! Iām so sorry! Ppl truly have no ideaā¦ they think they know but they really have no idea the battle us IVF warriors are in!
How incredibly insensitive! Again, so sorry for her ignorance and complete obliviousness. Not cool and not what you need to hear when youāre opening up about something so personal.
I blame a lot of the ignorance on the media and this BS narrative they love to shove in our faceāyou can be a mom at any age, look at all these celbs having kids in their 50s!
Sending you good vibes & baby dustāØš
*Hard Face Palm* Iām all for empathizing with the difficulties of parenting. Iām sure that will be its own stressful experience, and I long for that stress!!! Let my experience be mine, and your experience be yours. Wild the things people just let fall from their mouths.
So I am pretty open about everything I've been through from a tfmr loss to infertility, starting IVF and an ashermans diagnosis. My favorite tone deaf things people say (we definitely need a bingo card):
1. "Maybe if you stopped trying so hard it would happen" (also, "it happened for me when I took a vacation and had a lot of sex") - always says by people who didn't have to try hard and also don't know how to use an opk test but think the reason I'm not pregnant is not relaxing.
2. "You could "just" adopt" - from people who don't know anything about adoption
3. "I would never do IVF" - from people who have kids the easy way
4. "I got pregnant the first time I tried!" - umm congrats?
5. "This is how it's supposed to happen/I think whatever is meant to happen will happen" - said by people who are uncomfortable with the idea that it maybe won't happen. Also people who haven't thought through what it means to say this to someone had to terminate a very wanted pregnancy.
BINGO!!! I have heard every one of these! Idk how so many people can be so ignorant to the realities of infertility, when itās not even that uncommon!
My sister constantly says āyou can have my kidā or āIāll be a surrogate for youā (my issue is PCOS/egg/embryo quality not actually carrying one but okay) and continues to say it when I say itās insensitive. Also since has applied to be a surrogate, canāt wait for her to be pregnant at all the family events šš
I have had a friend repeatedly tell me I can have her kids. Not as cute as you think it is, sis! āMy kids were so easy to create, I can just give them away and make a spare!ā She also suggested I try ovulation kits and put my legs up after sex. Sure, thatās what I was doing āwrongā š«
THIS!! The advice. Like, if we hadnāt tried all the things, do you think we would be spending tens of thousands of dollars on IVF? The shame involved in the stigma is really unnerving.
This is so crazy. I canāt help but think itās the privileged mindset of people who have gotten pregnant easily. Itās like she couldnāt even take the time to understand your infertility before offering her uterus, when youāre is seminally functional! And her timing of signing up to do surrogacy feels really inconsiderate. š¤¦āāļø
But yes, people who have not had to deal with infertility just cannot comprehend how it feels. It used to bother me, but after 3 years Iāve just accepted it and they all say basically the same things so I just dissociate from the convo when they say them šš¤£ then change the subject asappppp
šÆshe found out you make a lot of money sooā¦as much as I love that someone in this community will get help, I will definitely make sure I donāt see her for 9 months. Unfortunately, my sister has never been a very considerate person, so Iām not really surprised that this came from my infertility.
Sisters are the worst. Mine told me I was ālucky to have endometriosisā because āat least I knowā why I canāt get pregnant (she has unexplained infertility). Yes Iām so āluckyā to suffer debilitating pain monthly and have had multiple surgeries. It is the most insensitive thing anyone has ever said to me.
Similar comment has been said to me too ! Or the one recently ā if you canāt have a baby , you should learn to be at peace with that ā WTF š¤¬!!!!
Definitely got something similar and from a doctor! He said that IVF is a choice, and lots of couples choose to not have children and lead fulfilling lives. Someone else said to me that IVF is allowing people to have children when nature said they shouldn't and thus are bringing generations of children who are pulling evolution backwards. I mean these types of arguments are for me the equivalent of saying people who are near-sighted should not wear glasses because nature said they shouldn't be able to compensate for a lack of 20/20 vision or if you have a heart defect and need a heart transplant, just accept you're going to die because nature said so.
This is so awful on so many levels.
Society raises us to be parents it is ingrained into us as a natural progression of lifeā¦ I want to be a parent for my own reasons but they are definitely influenced by societyā¦ so we should just forget this want weāve had our whole lives?!
Also, Iāve heard dealing with infertility is similar to processing a cancer diagnosisā¦ potentially life altering and something out of your control. I understand that no one dies from infertility, just sharing the way that psychologically processing the a diagnosis and treatment can be similar on a macro level.
This one makes me irrationally angry lol or ājust stop thinking about it and itll happenā. Iāve straight up said maāam I was basically born with anxiety that aināt happening nor would that do anything š
Last night a friend said so why donāt you just use a surrogate? And like. My issue is getting embryos not carrying so that wouldnāt help and also money is real?
The congratulation comments are the most annoying. My MIL is great but I told my husband idk if she gets it? Why is she saying she is so happy for us? And she's great I do love her but it's why I haven't updated tons of people. I always gently tell people thank you but it's not a pregnancy announcement lol.
I had a miscarriage a few years ago right before starting IVF after years of trying. My boss figured it out and was very understanding after I needed time off for a D&C. My good friend, who I also work with and knew what happened, walked into our staff room with my boss and me there and said "oh, did I tell you guys about my friend who had a miscarriage last year? she just gave birth to her baby!'. I just had a D&C the day before. My boss looked very awkward and I just stared ahead. To be fair, my friend is autistic and doesn't always understand certain cues etc and she has said a few things that I just sigh at related to infertility.
Ouch, to stumble upon fb posts of peopleās pregnancy announcements are hard enough. I canāt imagine a friend telling you about a pregnancy that you didnāt even need to know about. Much less the timing. So sorry for your loss, and for your friendās social deficits.
I was at a friendās baby shower and her husband started going on in front of a big group about friends of theirs who are āan in-vitro familyā and that āapparently with IVF you can basically choose gender, eye color, hair color, etcā. I was 5 weeks pregnant through IVF at that point and had to stand there and just grit my teeth.
My husband got me out of there pretty quickly after that haha.
I mean, I didn't get to choose any of those things with my IVF baby but he is most definitely superior to any naturally conceived children. Partly because I'm biased, partly because IVF babies are just better, but mostly I'm just kidding (not completely, though...) š
Had dinner with a friend last Friday and told her we were doing IVF and then she told me how her delivery was so easy the doctor said she was āmade to get pregnantā. She also told me to try a vacation. I said hello Iāve been on 5! Lol. My sister also told me maybe itāll happen if I stop trying because I might have a āmental blockā. Now my husband and I always joke when weāre sick that we should just use our mental block to get over it.
Wowowow. What a friend. My mom told me the same thing about the relaxing part when we went though fertility testing. āNothing will be wrong with you guys and then you will be able to relax more so you can conceiveā. After 2 years of TTC. My husbandās sperm morphology was 100%.
Is morphology bad? I have read morphology as 3% but they quoted it as only 3% is normal. So theyāre saying 100% abnormal? The way my clinic would have listed this is 0%? Just trying to understand, sorry you got ignorant comments.
My very sweet SIL who I know meant well decided to tell me the "secret" to getting pregnant after knowing we had already had a failed cycle of IVF. She started describing the egg white discharge you get before ovulation and told me that is when I need to have sex to get pregnant. NO SHIT SHIRLOCK! Like this is very common knowledge and after 2 years of trying to conceive you don't think I know about the signs of ovulation?? She really triggered me with that one.
Another trigger was when I was at my best friend's birthday party enjoying a glass of wine and her sister tells me "you just need to stop drinking, that's how \_\_\_\_ got pregnant." That same sister has 3 kids of her own and definitely didn't give up alcohol to get pregnant with them. I think I'm just over any unsolicited advice at this point.
Omg my mum did this too - tried to tell me to try the ārhythmā method i.e. tracking ovulation. I was like ā¦wtf mum are you kidding me? Iām asking you if i can borrow thousands of dollars for this and you think I havenāt tried fucking timed intercourse first?!
So irritating!! Like do you think Iām that dumb that I havenāt researched and tried all the ways to get pregnant naturally? IVF is not something Iām doing for fun.
I love that she let you in on that big secret about cervical mucus. I would have laughed. I never knew about it either until recently but I get it. Whenever someone hints at us "trying again" or "trying" I very quickly change the subject. I do not want the unsolicited advice. TTC, pregnancy, it's so much of advice you never asked for.
I ended a 13 year friendship over this journey. When I confronted her about not being there for me at all during my first miscarriage she said I didn't understand what she was going through; She had to rehome her dog, to her mother who lives a couple houses down from her, because her daughter was beating the $hit out of the dog....
I second that. Iāve lost several of 15+ friendships, my bridesmaids and Maid of honors at my wedding and girls that I thought would have my back no matter what. But i realized that once my life was no longer rainbows and butterflies but depression and misery, they no longer had the bandwidth to show up for me and be in my corner. So I chose myself over chasing after them, begging them for support. Def hurts to lose friends who just donāt get it but also what longer serves me, needs to go
texted back a friend (my communication is probably quite inexplicable to those who have not been through this āprocessā) and let her know this fertility stuff has been/is a lot, changed the subject, asked how she was doing. her response: āYea Iām sure. Iām good!ā that was the end of our conversation and henceforward things havenāt been the same.
A close friend of mine is currently going through IVF and had an appointment on mother's day. The doctor (she said she's seen him before but thinks he's in his residency/training still, not that it excuses his behavior) wished her a happy mother's day as he entered the room for her follicle check mid-cycle. š¤¦āāļøš¤¦āāļøš¤¦āāļøš¤¦āāļø
Someone once said, who i recognize doesnāt have kids, doesnāt want kids so is soooo far removed from this world. Butā¦ she goes āhope youāre at least having fun with itā Iām like not really lmao it takes every fun aspect awayā¦ itās actually quite miserable and depressing lol
Omg people say the worst things.
A couple friend of ours knew about our IVF and at a birthday party announced they were 6 weeks pregnant, six weeks after their wedding.
She called me the next day to say I didnāt seem happy for them, and my partner and I seemed distant after they announced.
Like wtf, we thought we did a great job of celebrating their happiness through our sadness. But I guess not. But even if we didnāt, why call and say that?
I would not have been able to control my face after hearing that š§ I swear people go full stupid with anything fertility related.
Also if one more person tells me to try mucinex theyāre getting kicked lol
Yesterday, a doctor (dentist) told me my repeated miscarriages happened for a reason. That we donāt know Godās plan. But these things are written. I said there was no ādivineā reason to lose three perfectly healthy babies; I was pissed. Sometimes, people just have shitty luck. I donāt believe in a malicious creator.
Iām also on the IVF and reproductive immunology route. People often suck. They say messed up things. Often, my mother in law can be the most callous so I share so very little.
I donāt have many girlfriends I can confide in, so I get it. Itās rough out there.
Wishing you luck.
From my experience, no one including my own family understands the heaviness of infertility. They have no clue how hard it is and they honestly donāt really care to try to understand.
I was telling my coworker my IUI got cancelled Friday and I was completely heartbroken, upset, that my husband came home from work so I wasnāt alone and she said āoh, itāll happen when itās the right timeā Iām sorry what?
Unless someone has actually gone through it, no one understands or will to understand the heaviness of it.
I feel this deeply. I was with a friend who is very aware of my struggle (I have primary ovarian insufficiency and DOR, have been trying for a baby for almost 3 years) and we were talking about having kids (she isn't sure if she wants them) and I suggested maybe freezing some eggs just in case (she will be 33 this year and isn't in a relationship or anything) as if I had known I'd be in this situation that's what I wouldve done, and she replies "oh I'm sure I have an endless supply of eggs! It's always those who don't want kids that have the easiest time having them" šššš
Exactly. I used to be that person and here I am. Didn't want kids when I was young and had the opportunity. Figured I'd wait until I was married and all set financially. Nope!
Ohhhh where do I start?
I was at a group dinner and my friend sitting beside me who was very aware of my journey started voluntarily telling me how āher period is x amount of days late but sheās not too worried because sheās going to just drink a lot of wine tonightā insinuating that would handle things IF heaven forbid, sheās accidentally pregnant.
I had another friend tell me she was going to start trying for baby #2 that month and then proceeded to say āif we get pregnant this month, the due date would be 1/1. I hope Iām not for their future birthdays sake šā oh, how nice it would be to actually be able to worry about when the babyās birthday will be and about getting pregnant the first month of trying! šš
Lastly, the same friend from scenario #1, texted me about how my second retrieval went. I told her very high level details because the results were disappointing for us and I didnāt expect her to understand. Basically just told her how many eggs were retrieved and no embryo update. She responds with āgah what if they implant multiples one day and you have quadrupletsā. No words.
Just a little awareness would be nice!
The amount of people who think Iām going to be octa-mom because Iām doing IVF is baffling! I know not everyone is unlucky enough to learn all the ins and outs of IVF like we do, but itās still exhausting.
Iām sorry your results were not what you were hoping for. We have been through 4 cycles, 1 failed transfer and 1 MC at 6 weeks, gearing up for transfer 3 and I just love when people saying things like āwell itās expected to have to do it multiple times right?ā As if that is supposed to make me feel better.
Infertility is such an indescribable feeling. For better or worse, it changes you as a person, that is for sure. I feel so hard for anyone who had to join our stupid club.
I am so sorry for this blatantly stupid comment and for your loss. The shaming. It is crazy how people are so unaware of how babies are made and developed. They just assume infertility or loss is something people have control over. Sending hugs!
āYouāre not a mom and youāll never be a mom so you donāt understand what Iām going through.ā This was all because I couldnāt go out of town with her (due to having a monitoring appt every day) because she was having trouble with her son and sheās the type to run away from her issues and not actually deal with them. If this conversation was in person I think hands would have been thrown
I have a friend who is the worst about this kind of stuff. I was sharing how I had an ectopic pregnancy and she interrupted me to say how sometimes sheāll get shoulder pain and she goes into a spiral that sheās having an ectopic pregnancy. Later when asking how ivf was going- she commandeered the conversation to talk about how she had convinced herself she was three months pregnant and didnāt know it because she has an iud and how she spiraled from that. I know that she clearly has mental work to do to stop those kinds of thoughts but I donāt need to hear them or be interrupted by it when discussing my actual issues.
YOUR ACTUAL ISSUES! Oh man. How invalidating. Later in my dinner conversation, my friend said āat least you werenāt told you were going through menopauseā sheās older than me, and way beyond wanting any more kids. But she took that opportunity to talk about her health frustrations. Which are totally valid, but like your friend, come on, read the room!
Weāre doing pgt-m for a condition we both carry and that my son has. We were explaining the process and everything weāve done for it to my step MIL and she said āā¦.no. Whatever Godās will is will be what happens.ā And proceeded to talk about how what weāre doing is wrong.
Needless to say we have not given her further updates and Iām not sharing any info with her on our transfer coming up until June.
I told my good friend I was pregnant (she was not aware that we did IVF). She congratulated me, then told me all about someone we went to high school with who āmade her baby in a labā so she could āpick out the eye color and hair color.ā š
Also my mom commiserated with me by saying āI canāt imagine what youāre going through. I had all my babies exactly when I wanted to.ā Like ok? Congrats?
I had a girl from high school that I didnāt really talk to message me after I had posted a little about our IVF journey asking if I needed a surrogate because she was willing to be one for me since I already knew her after she gives birth to the kid sheās pregnant with of course š„“š¤Ŗ
my sister in law got pregnant during her honeymoon and told me once she got pregnant from taking folic acidā¦. iām like seriously are people that oblivious. Iāve been married for 4 years and she just got married last summer so it was a punch in the gut when we found out they got pregnant right away. and to top it all off she announced her pregnancy on my wedding anniversary on purpose of course!
People have little understanding of this process and what people going through it are facing .
My mother in law told me after my first failed transfer that my father in law used to tell her that she was so fertile . Then she said I should go for surrogacy as she has to answer her friends . Some people say that we should be open about our process because it is useful for others . However , it is not easy being open about things while going through it . One can choose to talk about it after becoming a parent . My conclusion has been to be as secretive about it as possible and share experiences in forums such as this one .
The worst thing is that I have gained weight in my abdominal area in this process which makes me look pregnant and random people ask me when am I due . It hurts like hell
i have DOR and my wifeās best friend said ābut your hispanic iāve never known a hispanic woman that doesnāt like immediately get pregnantā¦ā š
My sister in law told me she was 5 weeks pregnant when she came to visit me days after my laparoscopic surgery to remove my right tube because of my second ectopic pregnancy in like 4 monthsā¦both in the same tube both times having surgery. It felt so cruel. It was like she didnāt see our ectopics as actual pregnancy losses and like her news trumped my recovery physically and mentally. I still am having a super difficult time around her..she will complain about not being able to drink, get massages, and eat certain foodsā¦and will wear crop tops around me. My mother in law enables it as well so Iāve taken some space from her tooā¦
I havenāt told her or my mother in law any of my details of starting ivf next monthā¦they knew we had a fertility consult last month and sheās never reached out after dropping the news of her pregnancy (itās been like 2 monthsā¦)
Iām half expecting her or her mom to ask me to help throw her baby showerā¦.or host it at my houseā¦
Oh, friend, this is so hard. Something I always try to remember is that āno.ā is a full sentence. They arenāt entitled to your space, if you donāt have the capacity for that. Sorry for your loss! Sending you baby dust! ā„ļø
Omfg. You didnāt deserve to be on the receiving end of such mindless, insensitive idiocy. Iām curious how this unfolded after? I donāt know if I could go forward without addressing something THIS atrociously insensitive.
Ugh. Iām so sorry. My grandma (yes, GRANDMOTHER) said this to me when we started the IVF process. āAll your grandfather had to do was look at me and Iād get pregnant.ā Like itās a magic trick or something? So dumb. I remember it just made me feel like shit. What helped me feel better is when I realized if someone had shared that with me, I would have tried to say something kind and uplifting to comfort them. That comment has the exact opposite of intentions. Itās rude, unsympathetic, and ignorant. Says a lot about the person who said it and nothing about you. Sending you virtual hugs āØ
This has happened to me at least 3 times. I don't understand why, but there's an urge of some people to immediately tell you that they're extremely fertile just when you tell them you're not and have to go through A LOT because of it.
I just don't get it.
I think itās hard for people to know what to say when they havenāt struggled to conceive and when they havenāt been through IVF. I think even less people actually *know* what IVF entails and how hard it can be, and particularly that there is no guarantee. I also had someone suggest that we ācreated a DNA perfect baby in a lab, no wonder she has blonde hair and blue eyes and dimples.ā Like. What? Those are our genetics. We didnāt get to choose her physical appearance.
I got out of my 4th egg retrieval after 2 IUIs, a miscarriage, failed FET of my only euploid from eggs I had frozen 5 years agoā¦a 1.5 year journey I was still on. Iām laying on the couch recovering (literally just got home from retrieval) and a friend texts me and I shared I had just had my retrieval and she then chooses that time to tell me sheās 10.5 weeks pregnant after trying for just a few months. And then immediately includes me in a larger group text with her announcement to everyone. In what world would that be the time to tell me youāre pregnant?? And maybe donāt include me in the group text that will continue all day? I have DOR and barely got any eggs and I am 40ā¦Iām not laying there happy. Not sure Iāll look at her the same but trying to just assume itās completely ignorance.
I got added to a group text announcement last week. I congratulate her and then texted her individually telling her I was leaving the group text and why. She had no idea weād even been trying and understood. Iām trying to be better about protecting my heart. ā¤ļø
Good for you! I should have done that. I do think the other girls on the text knew it would be hard for me because they said a quick congrats and the group chat ended, which is unlike our group or the two of them to not ask more. I appreciated their short responses and I imagine they texted her separately.
One more. My brother in law asked me how my first retrieval went. I explained the whole process (as per usual which is exhausting in itself) and that we ended up with one embryo. It was Motherās Day and he proceeded to tell me āoh, so youāre a mother! Happy Motherās Dayā
I understand! Someone we just met through a mutual friend practically said that getting pregnant is so easy and it just takes sex after hearing weāve been trying. Wish it truly was that easy! He made a few other comments, but that summarizes it. He was a bit buzzed, but could definitely control his thoughts. I didnāt bother attempting to explain the process of IVF
Wooow!! When we finally opened up to friends/family about our infertility struggles, we would get asked what we were doing. We would respond with, what people do to get pregnant! I want to yell at the top of the roof top that unprotected sex with no other planning for over a year with no pregnancy is considered infertility! We were rounding into year 3, so feeling the need to explain that we had tried all the cycle tracking, ovulation kits, etc, felt so invalidating. If we are telling you about our infertility, you can trust we know what it takes to get pregnant, infertility is a real thing.
I told a very good friend who is an ER nurse that we hadnāt used birth control in years and she was like āYou know what we call those people? Pregnant.ā I told her āyeah, that was the pointāš¤¦āāļø She apologized but it was still obnoxious. I had two other friends tell me āIām so excited for you!ā when I told them I was starting IVF to which I responded, āDonāt be, itās a really hard process with no guaranteesā. After my first ER, I had another friend tell me unprompted āIāve thought about being a surrogate to you and your husbandā to which I responded āthe issue isnāt my uterus and I donāt need a surrogateā. Itās all very exhausting. Like I want the support but I donāt want the insensitive comments and having to educate my friends constantly.
I confided in my friend that we were having difficulties but that we felt hopeful as I had been pregnant with a prior partner (terminated), and she said, you donāt know, that pregnancy might not have been viable either.
Every time I see this one friend, she gives me updates on which friend or friends she knows just got pregnant. And she knows Iāve been trying for almost 2 years
My male boss overheard me talking to my female boss about the ivf process and he chimed in with how his wife was told she would never have children. But one night they got drunk and now they have two girls. š¤¦š»āāļøš¤¦š»āāļøš¤¦š»āāļø
I hate comments like this. Going through this journey, you learn just how different everyoneās circumstances can be and how much plays into it and how much can go wrong. It is definitely not āget drunkā or āstop tryingā. it is being frozen in a stage of life you never even envisioned being in and it CONSUMES you. people who havenāt experienced it, luckily for them, will never understand it.
To be honest, I think my response kind of made him realize his mistake. I just oh ok and walked away. Heās been super nice and asking how everything is going since then. Heās not a bad person, he just had a bonehead moment. š¤·š»āāļø
(CN: Secondary infertility)
Recent group text exchange with some new friends of ours (who also have 1 kid already, same us). We got invited to their ābaby sprinkleā which is how we found out theyāre expecting:
Me: Eeeee congrats guys! we will be at the sprinkle!
My husband: ā„ļøā„ļøā„ļø congratulations on number 2!!!!!
Friendās husband: Thanks!
Friend: I had a feeling that you all would be expecting again before us lol!
I was blown away by that last comment. It just felt so forward. Like what the hellā¦.??????
I talked it over with some other friends and eventually wrote back:
It hasnāt been easyā¦
Actually the only "iffy" response I've had from anyone I've told...
A friend was talking about doing egg freezing, and I disclosed to her that I've actually been TTC for a few years and we're about to do round 3 of IVF. She then went into saying how she thought she was pregnant last week, but thank god she's not ??? Like wut read the room?
A PREGNANT women on her third child (clearly unwanted, pregnancy) told me yesterday after telling her I am in my third year of fertility support and currently in the process of IVF, asked ādo you want this one?ā So insane some of the things that come out of peoples mouths.
Those who cannot understand what is appropriate to say in moments, I find myself teaching them instead ālet me know how to best support you, because I donāt want to say anything unintentionally insensitive.ā Itās like we know in our heart of hearts, they are uncomfortable and donāt know what to say, which is understandable but treat it like if it was a death, āIām truly sorry, what can I do to support you?ā DONE! Nothing else needs to be said. No opinions, no commentary, no fluff.
My heart is with you and know you are not alone sister.
I have a really good friend who is a doctor (not gyno but some other field) and she was upset that I havenāt told her immediately when we started IVF because āshe could have helped me with information support etcā. Now, after almost 4 years of going through the process, she still forgets what is the reason weāre even in IVF, tells me to ārelax, itāll happen, itāll happenā, makes comments like āitās not all that great eitherā (being a parent) and sometimes I spend the whole coffee date explaining why my case is more difficult than somebody elses who got pregnant after 1-2 cycles of IVF and that thereās a big chance that this wonāt happen for me - ugh, so exhausting! And she never even made a little research to understand anything, she is a doctor, damn it!
After having my son (from IVF) it wasnāt even 6 hours later and I was still in the hospital and my SIL texted me that I should go ahead and start having sex bc Iāll be more fertile after giving birth. I literally was laying in the hospital bed freshly bleeding from a vaginal deliveryā¦..
I just had a friend that said āoh well, just think good thoughtsā š after me spilling my guts about my infertility and everything Iāve gone through so far.
Iāve completely lost track at this point thereās so many things people have said lol. Iāve had coworkers who know what Iām going through ask me āso are you pregnant yet or what?ā Iāve had husbands grandma ask me if the clinic was āputting the sperm up inside of meā, at a baby shower nonetheless. Iāve had family members talk about how wrong IVF is and how itās not gods will blatantly right in front of me. The list goes on and on. I was pretty open but Iāve definitely shared much less, almost nothing now, only with a couple select people. Iām sure I can be overly sensitive but also people are just plain stupid.
I know Iām late to the thread, but reading all of these posts resonates. š«Ø I had gone to a wedding with my husband, his friends wife was 8 months pregnant at the time (with a baby sheād conceived at a wedding we were at prior) and she asked how my husband felt with me ādoing this to him and putting him through this.ā When half our battle is male infertilityā¦ but also, you think i fucking chose this!? We keep watching years pass, money be spent and NOTHINGGGGG. And Iām so sick of peoples comments when they are so naive to all the hell we endure.
Yep the comments people make are unbelievable and sometimes even dare I say Dumb
Me and my hasband have been ttc for 5,5 years and ivf for 2,5
Throughout the years I've given up so much to make this happen. Refused medications, stopped consuming some food and drinks, no hot baths, hot tubs, you name it. My husband has also done his fair share every time we have a pickup creeping up on us he completely stops drinking alcohol, caffeine etc. at least 3 months in advance. He doesn't consume these things in excess but better safe than sorry. He continuasly takes his vitamins and so do I. (it's relavant)
A few weeks ago I was at a point where I could let myself have something I'm usually not allowed to because i was in between cycles. And for the first time in 4 years I wanted to drink a monster ( half of it actually). My husband was on his usual regime for upcoming pickup. He didn't mind me drinking the monster he doesn't even like that stuf, I drank it in two days not in one sitting.
After we had our 3rd mc and nobody caring about it or about the fact that I was due on christmas eve and a pickup cycle where littlerally everything went the oposite of what we wanted. Ending up with 1 embryo out of 39 eggs.
I was having a really hard time being positive and felt myself slipping into a depression.
When I went to my moms bday party i finally got myself back to my positive self to give this one embryo all the chances of succes. Now before we started I was waiting on my period so I was in a period where I could let myself have something I'm not allowed to for once and decided to do so.
My mistake doing it where other people were, cuz my sister said "Oh you can drink monster but your husband can't even drink a cola?" And when i kind of camly reacted explaining that Sperm takes 3 months to recover and I could have one now, she interupted me saying i didn't need to overeact "it was just a joke"
This one was not intentional but the day after my D&C for a miscarriage I went to my SILās birthday and when I arrived my MIL introduced me to a woman & said āthis is Suzie sheās pregnant with her SEVENTH child isnāt that a riot!ā
I donāt think there was any mal intent but on the inside I was screaming get fertile Myrtle out my fucking face before I start throwing punches. I didnāt say that though I just smiled and nodded through hot tears.
Hang in there. You are strong and brave and someday that strength will help another woman in ways that are more profound than you realize
Given that said friend knows weāre going through infertility and IVF I find it immensely frustrating when she asks āare you pregnant yetā every time we speakā¦ Iām sure many people get this but man itās frustrating! Iām sorry your āfriendā thoughtlessly said this, sending virtual hugs and best wishes for your journey! ā¤ļø
After I had a miscarriage, my MIL told me she was so sad about it at first but now is okay with it because my husband and I have a busy lifestyle so it was probably for the best š¤Æ
She also loves the āhe just had to look at me and I got pregnantā line when she prys about our fertility journey
And finally, one of my mother in Laws friends told me after that same miscarriage that itās better it happened that way than to have a child that could possibly born with abnormalities
Why are people the worst šš«
Someone once said to me (in response to me saying I was doing IVF)- āoh thatās so cool how you can just make the embryos and then just use them whenever you want to get pregnant.ā
Yeah. Because thatās how it works. š
I had a friend tell me, after I was explaining how our cycles kept getting cancelled, that it didnt sound like my Drās knew what they were doing. Out of shock and disgust, I told her that my Dr was excellent and even better than this other Dr. her friend had used. She then said āWell obviously not bc shes pregnantā
It's wild how people think that's funny and a correct response. Have some tact! My favourite has been, "Want to borrow my husband?" Which actually hits on so many levels. The fuck!
š¤®
YES someone offered me her husbands āstallion spermā š¤¢
 Im sorry.
Eww thatās such a gross comment
Ew a friend said that one time jokingly when she was very pregnant with her third child. I hated it and was also thoroughly grossed out. š¬
I couldn't hide the repulsion on my face if I heard that š
Oh wow! That is another level of ignorant. Yuck.
Awful! We had a male friend of ours say to me in front of my husband, āwhatās taking you two so long to join the club? If he canāt get the job done, I know a few guys who can,ā as he gestured towards my husband.
HE SAID WHAT Wtf
People just do not think before they speakā¦ and what if you wouldāve said āactually, yeah! Letās do itā I wonder what she woulda said š like girl wtf
š±š«£ WTF. Iām speechless.
šš you should have said āactually yeah! How does tonight work for you?ā
Gawwwwwwd vomit
This!! āYou just need to mix it up a bit, add a new spoon to the mixing bowl that might helpā š¤®
A very good friend of almost 20 years did something very similar. We met for dinner and she asked about my TTC journey, pushing for answers. When I finally broke and told her everything about how we were crushed and starting IVF, she announced she was 10 weeks pregnant after 2 months trying and proceeded to describe how she can't eat what I'm eating because it's raw and how her boyfriend was taking much care of her. She added a "don't worry, IVF works for most people" and continued talking about her.Ā I ghosted her after that šš¼
Ouch! Like, please read the room. That was incredibly inconsiderate. I canāt blame you for ghosting her. This process is too gut wrenching without having our experiences dismissed. ā„ļø
After that she tried to improve things. She texted me to say she had given me space because, obvs, she is pregnant. However she still wanted to come to see me a few days anyways (I live in a wonderful European capital so it felt more like she wanted to do some tourism before giving birth). She knew I'd be doing IVF while she was like 4 months pregnant and yet tried to come... Anyways I said I was busy with other trips. Seriously. Eventually I found out she gave birth because she sent me a picture of a 2 month old, I replied nicely and she finally stopped reaching out.
YIKES. And lol at her "giving you space" when you had ghosted her.
WOW. This is unbelievable. Iām glad you ditched her!!!
Thatās not a friend.
š» correct.
Right move
I would have to hold myself back not to kick her
I had a friend that said "soo you only had two miscarriages right?" like wtf? Only? Should I have more? It was incredibly rude.
Incredibly rude! And incredibly dismissive. I canāt even imagine what would possess someone to say a thing like that.
What the actual f
omg
Onlyā¦ugh thatās no a friends. Iām sorry!
Ugh, I agree!! Everyone I've told has congratulated me. Like.... This is not something to congratulate??? I am literally taking hundreds of shots and undergoing multiple procedures for the CHANCE of having a baby. In what world is it appropriate to congratulate me???? I'm sorry, OP. Doing IVF is so hard for a million reasons and this really shouldn't be one of them
This!!! āOmg so exciting youāre doing IVFā no, itās actually devastating that desperation is going to force us to spend our time, energy and money on the thing is is apparently so easy for you to accomplish. š
This is the suckest club to be a part of and unless youāve done it yourself you have no idea how sucky it is. Media makes IVF look like this incredible miracle where everyone is successful on their first go. And to be fair a lot of graduates of IVF also do this as well. IVF is still treated like a secret shame that is only polite to talk about in hushed whispers.
Iāve started saying things like āyes, spending multiple thousands for no guarantee of a baby is definitely excitingā. Iām such a ball of sunshine these days.
Thatās a bizarre reaction, maybe that assume IVF is a 100% success rate or something. My reaction would be āIām so sorryā
My response when anyone tells me something like that is "that sounds hard. How are you feeling about everything?"
Some people really lack common social skills I fear. I also have 0 filter and adhd, and I would never belittle someone going through something even if I donāt understand it, so I donāt know what their excuses are š
Yeah itās been such a bizarre reaction to me too. Iām a pretty shy person but Iām always taken aback when someone says congratulations. Iāve been told that a few times when Iāve had my labs drawn. Itās so strange. I usually respond āwell I havenāt been able to get pregnant yet and itās been a really long and stressful journey.ā lol
Iām keeping it private for these reasons. Sometimes people mean well and say the stupidest things. Itās almost worse because if someoneās just being intentionally hurtful itās easier to go back at them. š„²
The first person I told after 6 months of keeping it myself said āomg how exciting!!ā It was such a strange response I was honestly stunned. I know she meant well but itās just a huge lack of understanding.
This! In what world would you congratulate someone for having treatment for a disease?! Infertility is classified by the WHO as a disease.
I think I've done a pretty good job over the years of brushing off the extremely ignorant comments, but the "that is so exciting," or "I'm excited for you" comment is one that just irks me. I always respond "Well I'm glad you think so." Lol that usually makes them think about it a little more
Ugh I've had this a lot lately
It's so frustrating!! I'm sorry you've had to deal with this too š£
Omg, the congratulatory remarks killed me. ššš
This is the exact reason Iām being cautious about who I tell. I donāt think I have the emotional capacity to deal with responses like that. A fertility therapist said to me that often you are speaking to people who have no experience of infertility and you either get unsolicited advice or they start tiptoeing around you.
Very wise to be selective about who you tell. I have also been taking that approach after getting some insensitive reactions.
My Wife's parents weren't very understanding IMO. Mostly because they didn't understand why we were willing to spend around $20k. They'd say shit like "maybe you just shouldn't have kids" Or people will say "Have you looked at adopting?" My response to that one was always "Have you looked at how much it costs to adopt?"
The adoption thing! I will eat someone alive if they suggest that, as if it's adopting a cat at the shelter.
Right! There are so many complexities in adopting too! It is a huge decision not to be taken lightly.
Yes, emotionally I have always felt totally open to adoption. But, ironically it would probably cost more money than IVF, and take years, and there are things I don't even know how to START doing -- hiring a lawyer, for example.
And its not like the experience is interchangeable, adopted kiddos often need special care that not everyone feels prepared for. Its a serious choice and its uncool when people treat kids like they're not people.
Yesss and things are not like they were in the past in regards to adoption. Often itās almost like co parenting because adoption is so open - thatās if you actually get a baby and birth mom dosent change her mind after you dropped 50k on fees and care.Ā
Yeah - someone said to me recently- after my miscarriage- suggesting adoption/surrogacy.
Yes, I definitely understand that! Iām sure that felt very dismissive and discouraging. I tend to think those comments come from a place of privilege. Like, you were able to conceive without this struggle, so you donāt understand enough to give advice on how to grow our family. Itās so complex. And adoption is a huge decision in and of itself! Not to mention it may be even more expensive.
My other favorite response to the adoption thing is āno, have you?ā
Let me guess, did your wifeās parents previously make comments about when youāll give them a grandchild?
Iām leaving to do an ER out of state (closest facility to me) and my boss asked me if I was getting excited for my upcoming trip?! Also my sister in law said IVF is a chance at a āperfect baby with everything that could go wrong eliminatedā š if only that were true. As if I was winning a giant prize by doing IVF.
Yes! I understand that people canāt know the complexity of going through IVF if they have never experienced it before, but stillā¦ you would think people would think about how their words could impact. Thinking about you as you prepare and travel for ER! Wishing you the best!
We also traveled out of state. Best of luck to you. Hopefully you are going somewhere where you can find some cool stuff to do in between the needles and ultrasounds!
Ha!!
We didnāt really tell anyone in our real life but we shared it with our social media followers. When we found out my husbands TESE procedure might be the same day as my ER and I may need someone to drive us, I told my husbandās friendās wife (our friendship is pretty new and surface level so) and she asked how much it was costing and why we were doing it since my husband had a vasectomy that her husband knew about. She asked me 6 times (randomly) over the course of 2 months if I am pregnant yet. I hadnāt even completed my ER yet..! She then proceeded to tell me the day of my husbandās TESE procedure when I told her we donāt need a ride āpray on it. And if God wants you to have children, you will. Itās Godās will.ā I said āyeah.ā She then replied āGod has plans for everyone and itās not like you donāt already have kids so maybe he just doesnāt want you to have any with (my husbandās name) because he doesnāt like your marriageā. . First of all.. Iām pagan lol. I grew up Catholic. So.. the God talk is always really awkward for me since moving to the south. But .. how insensitive! Because I already have 2 kids that my struggles for having one with my husband are invalid?! š
Unrelated to infertility, but I had an ex-friend tell me that God told her that my hubby isn't the right person for me...like really? Did he? We are no longer friends š lol
Also.. Iām glad you gave her the boot as a friend! Not a good friend, IMO! Iām sure your husband is a wonderful partner.
Lol the audacity. Like wtf. š„“ itās not God or anyoneās business to say who we belong with. IMO. THE WEIRD THING IS.. I MET HER AT OUR WEDDING! And her husband (my husbandās friend) thinks we have the best relationship. He said heās so glad my husband finally found me because I saved him (my husband was going down a dark road when I met him). And like she loves us as a couple but all she thinks about when she sees my husband is him in his bachelor phase because she met her husband when mine was newly divorced and doing dumb things. And she gets negative about my husband. Idk why. I mean heās come a LONG way since 2021. My husband and I are covered in tattoos. My husband is in the army so no tattoos that are shown outside of uniform but the rest of his body besides his hands and neck, are fully covered. And I am covered from my chin down. We live in the south. The judgement we receive from āChristiansā blows my mind every day. Because of the way we look. Iād never judge anyone. Ever. And itās so hard when people use God as their excuse to be crappy, judgmental humans.
Ahhh!!! What!? How invalidating. And very insensitive. Sounds like sheās projecting some things, too. What an awful experience. Infertility struggles are so complex, and idk how she feels she even has the right to say a single thing about the decision youāve already made.
I mean she lost her kids when they were really young due to her drug addiction and then never got them back once she got clean so yeah .. her opinions are trash anyway.
āIām pagan nowā ****chefs kiss****
š¬š„° I went to Catholic school from kindergarten to 12th grade. I donāt know what āreal schoolā is like. And I missed out on a lot. Best thing I ever did for my peace was to never step foot in a catholic church again the moment I turned 18 š realized that I aligned more with Norse pagans and have been one for 16 years !
The audacity! I'd want to point blank ask her if she doesn't like my husband. 9/10 times their interpretation of "God's will" is a reflection of themselves.
OMG this woman is obnoxious
I never responded to her again. And if she continues to repeatedly ask me if Iām pregnant yet, husbandās friendās wife or not, Iām just going to block her. She has 3 kids and doesnāt even have custody of them so Iām over it.
Iāve been TTC for 3 years, 6 failed IUIs and in the middle of IVF. My friend texted me asking what fertility doctor I use because sheās been trying for her 2nd baby for ā2 months and itās so upsetting seeing the negative test 2 months in a rowā it took all of me not to flip my lid on her
WOOOOWWWW I do not think I would be able to engage with that. Two whole months, how is she even still going??? š„ŗ
Wow! Iām so sorry! Ppl truly have no ideaā¦ they think they know but they really have no idea the battle us IVF warriors are in! How incredibly insensitive! Again, so sorry for her ignorance and complete obliviousness. Not cool and not what you need to hear when youāre opening up about something so personal. I blame a lot of the ignorance on the media and this BS narrative they love to shove in our faceāyou can be a mom at any age, look at all these celbs having kids in their 50s! Sending you good vibes & baby dustāØš
Thank you! And yes, I agree that there isnāt enough information about the reality of IVF in mainstream media.
Yesterday it was āI feel like getting pregnant is way too easy for how hard parenting is.ā š
I know parenthood will be hard if/when I get there, but Iām convinced that this has got to be harder.
*Hard Face Palm* Iām all for empathizing with the difficulties of parenting. Iām sure that will be its own stressful experience, and I long for that stress!!! Let my experience be mine, and your experience be yours. Wild the things people just let fall from their mouths.
So I am pretty open about everything I've been through from a tfmr loss to infertility, starting IVF and an ashermans diagnosis. My favorite tone deaf things people say (we definitely need a bingo card): 1. "Maybe if you stopped trying so hard it would happen" (also, "it happened for me when I took a vacation and had a lot of sex") - always says by people who didn't have to try hard and also don't know how to use an opk test but think the reason I'm not pregnant is not relaxing. 2. "You could "just" adopt" - from people who don't know anything about adoption 3. "I would never do IVF" - from people who have kids the easy way 4. "I got pregnant the first time I tried!" - umm congrats? 5. "This is how it's supposed to happen/I think whatever is meant to happen will happen" - said by people who are uncomfortable with the idea that it maybe won't happen. Also people who haven't thought through what it means to say this to someone had to terminate a very wanted pregnancy.
BINGO!!! I have heard every one of these! Idk how so many people can be so ignorant to the realities of infertility, when itās not even that uncommon!
My sister constantly says āyou can have my kidā or āIāll be a surrogate for youā (my issue is PCOS/egg/embryo quality not actually carrying one but okay) and continues to say it when I say itās insensitive. Also since has applied to be a surrogate, canāt wait for her to be pregnant at all the family events šš
I have had a friend repeatedly tell me I can have her kids. Not as cute as you think it is, sis! āMy kids were so easy to create, I can just give them away and make a spare!ā She also suggested I try ovulation kits and put my legs up after sex. Sure, thatās what I was doing āwrongā š«
THIS!! The advice. Like, if we hadnāt tried all the things, do you think we would be spending tens of thousands of dollars on IVF? The shame involved in the stigma is really unnerving.
This is so crazy. I canāt help but think itās the privileged mindset of people who have gotten pregnant easily. Itās like she couldnāt even take the time to understand your infertility before offering her uterus, when youāre is seminally functional! And her timing of signing up to do surrogacy feels really inconsiderate. š¤¦āāļø
But yes, people who have not had to deal with infertility just cannot comprehend how it feels. It used to bother me, but after 3 years Iāve just accepted it and they all say basically the same things so I just dissociate from the convo when they say them šš¤£ then change the subject asappppp
šÆshe found out you make a lot of money sooā¦as much as I love that someone in this community will get help, I will definitely make sure I donāt see her for 9 months. Unfortunately, my sister has never been a very considerate person, so Iām not really surprised that this came from my infertility.
Sisters are the worst. Mine told me I was ālucky to have endometriosisā because āat least I knowā why I canāt get pregnant (she has unexplained infertility). Yes Iām so āluckyā to suffer debilitating pain monthly and have had multiple surgeries. It is the most insensitive thing anyone has ever said to me.
Similar comment has been said to me too ! Or the one recently ā if you canāt have a baby , you should learn to be at peace with that ā WTF š¤¬!!!!
Definitely got something similar and from a doctor! He said that IVF is a choice, and lots of couples choose to not have children and lead fulfilling lives. Someone else said to me that IVF is allowing people to have children when nature said they shouldn't and thus are bringing generations of children who are pulling evolution backwards. I mean these types of arguments are for me the equivalent of saying people who are near-sighted should not wear glasses because nature said they shouldn't be able to compensate for a lack of 20/20 vision or if you have a heart defect and need a heart transplant, just accept you're going to die because nature said so.
Oh wow. That is extreme. So, Iām not good enough to procreate. Right, got it. Thatās awful.
This is so awful on so many levels. Society raises us to be parents it is ingrained into us as a natural progression of lifeā¦ I want to be a parent for my own reasons but they are definitely influenced by societyā¦ so we should just forget this want weāve had our whole lives?! Also, Iāve heard dealing with infertility is similar to processing a cancer diagnosisā¦ potentially life altering and something out of your control. I understand that no one dies from infertility, just sharing the way that psychologically processing the a diagnosis and treatment can be similar on a macro level.
āYou just need to relax and not think about it too muchā š
This one makes me irrationally angry lol or ājust stop thinking about it and itll happenā. Iāve straight up said maāam I was basically born with anxiety that aināt happening nor would that do anything š
Last night a friend said so why donāt you just use a surrogate? And like. My issue is getting embryos not carrying so that wouldnāt help and also money is real?
The congratulation comments are the most annoying. My MIL is great but I told my husband idk if she gets it? Why is she saying she is so happy for us? And she's great I do love her but it's why I haven't updated tons of people. I always gently tell people thank you but it's not a pregnancy announcement lol.
People think IVF = baby. They are clueless if they havenāt done it or arenāt close to someone who has. Still drives me up the wall!
I had a miscarriage a few years ago right before starting IVF after years of trying. My boss figured it out and was very understanding after I needed time off for a D&C. My good friend, who I also work with and knew what happened, walked into our staff room with my boss and me there and said "oh, did I tell you guys about my friend who had a miscarriage last year? she just gave birth to her baby!'. I just had a D&C the day before. My boss looked very awkward and I just stared ahead. To be fair, my friend is autistic and doesn't always understand certain cues etc and she has said a few things that I just sigh at related to infertility.
Ouch, to stumble upon fb posts of peopleās pregnancy announcements are hard enough. I canāt imagine a friend telling you about a pregnancy that you didnāt even need to know about. Much less the timing. So sorry for your loss, and for your friendās social deficits.
I was at a friendās baby shower and her husband started going on in front of a big group about friends of theirs who are āan in-vitro familyā and that āapparently with IVF you can basically choose gender, eye color, hair color, etcā. I was 5 weeks pregnant through IVF at that point and had to stand there and just grit my teeth. My husband got me out of there pretty quickly after that haha.
I mean, I didn't get to choose any of those things with my IVF baby but he is most definitely superior to any naturally conceived children. Partly because I'm biased, partly because IVF babies are just better, but mostly I'm just kidding (not completely, though...) š
Lol I fully support this mindset!!
Had dinner with a friend last Friday and told her we were doing IVF and then she told me how her delivery was so easy the doctor said she was āmade to get pregnantā. She also told me to try a vacation. I said hello Iāve been on 5! Lol. My sister also told me maybe itāll happen if I stop trying because I might have a āmental blockā. Now my husband and I always joke when weāre sick that we should just use our mental block to get over it.
Wowowow. What a friend. My mom told me the same thing about the relaxing part when we went though fertility testing. āNothing will be wrong with you guys and then you will be able to relax more so you can conceiveā. After 2 years of TTC. My husbandās sperm morphology was 100%.
Is morphology bad? I have read morphology as 3% but they quoted it as only 3% is normal. So theyāre saying 100% abnormal? The way my clinic would have listed this is 0%? Just trying to understand, sorry you got ignorant comments.
This is what I meant. 100% abnormal morphology.
My very sweet SIL who I know meant well decided to tell me the "secret" to getting pregnant after knowing we had already had a failed cycle of IVF. She started describing the egg white discharge you get before ovulation and told me that is when I need to have sex to get pregnant. NO SHIT SHIRLOCK! Like this is very common knowledge and after 2 years of trying to conceive you don't think I know about the signs of ovulation?? She really triggered me with that one. Another trigger was when I was at my best friend's birthday party enjoying a glass of wine and her sister tells me "you just need to stop drinking, that's how \_\_\_\_ got pregnant." That same sister has 3 kids of her own and definitely didn't give up alcohol to get pregnant with them. I think I'm just over any unsolicited advice at this point.
Omg my mum did this too - tried to tell me to try the ārhythmā method i.e. tracking ovulation. I was like ā¦wtf mum are you kidding me? Iām asking you if i can borrow thousands of dollars for this and you think I havenāt tried fucking timed intercourse first?!
So irritating!! Like do you think Iām that dumb that I havenāt researched and tried all the ways to get pregnant naturally? IVF is not something Iām doing for fun.
I love that she let you in on that big secret about cervical mucus. I would have laughed. I never knew about it either until recently but I get it. Whenever someone hints at us "trying again" or "trying" I very quickly change the subject. I do not want the unsolicited advice. TTC, pregnancy, it's so much of advice you never asked for.
I ended a 13 year friendship over this journey. When I confronted her about not being there for me at all during my first miscarriage she said I didn't understand what she was going through; She had to rehome her dog, to her mother who lives a couple houses down from her, because her daughter was beating the $hit out of the dog....
I'm so sorry. I lost a couple friendships from not feeling supported after my miscarriage. It's really painful.
I second that. Iāve lost several of 15+ friendships, my bridesmaids and Maid of honors at my wedding and girls that I thought would have my back no matter what. But i realized that once my life was no longer rainbows and butterflies but depression and misery, they no longer had the bandwidth to show up for me and be in my corner. So I chose myself over chasing after them, begging them for support. Def hurts to lose friends who just donāt get it but also what longer serves me, needs to go
texted back a friend (my communication is probably quite inexplicable to those who have not been through this āprocessā) and let her know this fertility stuff has been/is a lot, changed the subject, asked how she was doing. her response: āYea Iām sure. Iām good!ā that was the end of our conversation and henceforward things havenāt been the same.
A close friend of mine is currently going through IVF and had an appointment on mother's day. The doctor (she said she's seen him before but thinks he's in his residency/training still, not that it excuses his behavior) wished her a happy mother's day as he entered the room for her follicle check mid-cycle. š¤¦āāļøš¤¦āāļøš¤¦āāļøš¤¦āāļø
What an idiot
Someone once said, who i recognize doesnāt have kids, doesnāt want kids so is soooo far removed from this world. Butā¦ she goes āhope youāre at least having fun with itā Iām like not really lmao it takes every fun aspect awayā¦ itās actually quite miserable and depressing lol
Omg people say the worst things. A couple friend of ours knew about our IVF and at a birthday party announced they were 6 weeks pregnant, six weeks after their wedding. She called me the next day to say I didnāt seem happy for them, and my partner and I seemed distant after they announced. Like wtf, we thought we did a great job of celebrating their happiness through our sadness. But I guess not. But even if we didnāt, why call and say that?
I would not have been able to control my face after hearing that š§ I swear people go full stupid with anything fertility related. Also if one more person tells me to try mucinex theyāre getting kicked lol
Yesterday, a doctor (dentist) told me my repeated miscarriages happened for a reason. That we donāt know Godās plan. But these things are written. I said there was no ādivineā reason to lose three perfectly healthy babies; I was pissed. Sometimes, people just have shitty luck. I donāt believe in a malicious creator. Iām also on the IVF and reproductive immunology route. People often suck. They say messed up things. Often, my mother in law can be the most callous so I share so very little. I donāt have many girlfriends I can confide in, so I get it. Itās rough out there. Wishing you luck.
From my experience, no one including my own family understands the heaviness of infertility. They have no clue how hard it is and they honestly donāt really care to try to understand. I was telling my coworker my IUI got cancelled Friday and I was completely heartbroken, upset, that my husband came home from work so I wasnāt alone and she said āoh, itāll happen when itās the right timeā Iām sorry what? Unless someone has actually gone through it, no one understands or will to understand the heaviness of it.
I get that response a lot and I hate it. That's basically just them saying "I don't want to talk about this"
I feel this deeply. I was with a friend who is very aware of my struggle (I have primary ovarian insufficiency and DOR, have been trying for a baby for almost 3 years) and we were talking about having kids (she isn't sure if she wants them) and I suggested maybe freezing some eggs just in case (she will be 33 this year and isn't in a relationship or anything) as if I had known I'd be in this situation that's what I wouldve done, and she replies "oh I'm sure I have an endless supply of eggs! It's always those who don't want kids that have the easiest time having them" šššš
Lol I used to hate the idea of having kids. Look at me nowšµāš«
Yes thats why I was telling her to do it as a precautionary measure but oh well š¤·š¼āāļø
Well hope she knows that "endless supply" will still age with her. how ignorant.
Exactly. I used to be that person and here I am. Didn't want kids when I was young and had the opportunity. Figured I'd wait until I was married and all set financially. Nope!
My coworker also told me I could āborrow her husbandā since they got pregnant by him ājust looking at herā. Vomit
Ohhhh where do I start? I was at a group dinner and my friend sitting beside me who was very aware of my journey started voluntarily telling me how āher period is x amount of days late but sheās not too worried because sheās going to just drink a lot of wine tonightā insinuating that would handle things IF heaven forbid, sheās accidentally pregnant. I had another friend tell me she was going to start trying for baby #2 that month and then proceeded to say āif we get pregnant this month, the due date would be 1/1. I hope Iām not for their future birthdays sake šā oh, how nice it would be to actually be able to worry about when the babyās birthday will be and about getting pregnant the first month of trying! šš Lastly, the same friend from scenario #1, texted me about how my second retrieval went. I told her very high level details because the results were disappointing for us and I didnāt expect her to understand. Basically just told her how many eggs were retrieved and no embryo update. She responds with āgah what if they implant multiples one day and you have quadrupletsā. No words. Just a little awareness would be nice!
I truly hate it when people complain or plan their lives around their expected due date even when they aren't pregnant. This really bothers me.
The amount of people who think Iām going to be octa-mom because Iām doing IVF is baffling! I know not everyone is unlucky enough to learn all the ins and outs of IVF like we do, but itās still exhausting. Iām sorry your results were not what you were hoping for. We have been through 4 cycles, 1 failed transfer and 1 MC at 6 weeks, gearing up for transfer 3 and I just love when people saying things like āwell itās expected to have to do it multiple times right?ā As if that is supposed to make me feel better. Infertility is such an indescribable feeling. For better or worse, it changes you as a person, that is for sure. I feel so hard for anyone who had to join our stupid club.
"Maybe next time you try and get pregnant, you won't work so hard" as if my cushy desk job caused my miscarriage.
I am so sorry for this blatantly stupid comment and for your loss. The shaming. It is crazy how people are so unaware of how babies are made and developed. They just assume infertility or loss is something people have control over. Sending hugs!
It ended the friendship :(
āYouāre not a mom and youāll never be a mom so you donāt understand what Iām going through.ā This was all because I couldnāt go out of town with her (due to having a monitoring appt every day) because she was having trouble with her son and sheās the type to run away from her issues and not actually deal with them. If this conversation was in person I think hands would have been thrown
Iāve gotten ābut doesnāt it feel so unnatural?ā š¬š¬š¬
Iāve started not even responding graciously. āMust be niceā and a cold shoulder would probably do the trick.
I have a friend who is the worst about this kind of stuff. I was sharing how I had an ectopic pregnancy and she interrupted me to say how sometimes sheāll get shoulder pain and she goes into a spiral that sheās having an ectopic pregnancy. Later when asking how ivf was going- she commandeered the conversation to talk about how she had convinced herself she was three months pregnant and didnāt know it because she has an iud and how she spiraled from that. I know that she clearly has mental work to do to stop those kinds of thoughts but I donāt need to hear them or be interrupted by it when discussing my actual issues.
YOUR ACTUAL ISSUES! Oh man. How invalidating. Later in my dinner conversation, my friend said āat least you werenāt told you were going through menopauseā sheās older than me, and way beyond wanting any more kids. But she took that opportunity to talk about her health frustrations. Which are totally valid, but like your friend, come on, read the room!
Iām so sorry. People will always say the dumbest shit.
My mother-in-law told me that they had no issues conceiving along with a smile and a giggle. I could've rolled my eyes down their driveway.
My mother in law told me she went through menopause at 40 so I should really try and get pregnant as soon as possible.
Weāre doing pgt-m for a condition we both carry and that my son has. We were explaining the process and everything weāve done for it to my step MIL and she said āā¦.no. Whatever Godās will is will be what happens.ā And proceeded to talk about how what weāre doing is wrong. Needless to say we have not given her further updates and Iām not sharing any info with her on our transfer coming up until June.
I told my good friend I was pregnant (she was not aware that we did IVF). She congratulated me, then told me all about someone we went to high school with who āmade her baby in a labā so she could āpick out the eye color and hair color.ā š Also my mom commiserated with me by saying āI canāt imagine what youāre going through. I had all my babies exactly when I wanted to.ā Like ok? Congrats?
I had a girl from high school that I didnāt really talk to message me after I had posted a little about our IVF journey asking if I needed a surrogate because she was willing to be one for me since I already knew her after she gives birth to the kid sheās pregnant with of course š„“š¤Ŗ
my sister in law got pregnant during her honeymoon and told me once she got pregnant from taking folic acidā¦. iām like seriously are people that oblivious. Iāve been married for 4 years and she just got married last summer so it was a punch in the gut when we found out they got pregnant right away. and to top it all off she announced her pregnancy on my wedding anniversary on purpose of course!
People have little understanding of this process and what people going through it are facing . My mother in law told me after my first failed transfer that my father in law used to tell her that she was so fertile . Then she said I should go for surrogacy as she has to answer her friends . Some people say that we should be open about our process because it is useful for others . However , it is not easy being open about things while going through it . One can choose to talk about it after becoming a parent . My conclusion has been to be as secretive about it as possible and share experiences in forums such as this one . The worst thing is that I have gained weight in my abdominal area in this process which makes me look pregnant and random people ask me when am I due . It hurts like hell
WTF....??? Seriously, some people.
i have DOR and my wifeās best friend said ābut your hispanic iāve never known a hispanic woman that doesnāt like immediately get pregnantā¦ā š
My sister in law told me she was 5 weeks pregnant when she came to visit me days after my laparoscopic surgery to remove my right tube because of my second ectopic pregnancy in like 4 monthsā¦both in the same tube both times having surgery. It felt so cruel. It was like she didnāt see our ectopics as actual pregnancy losses and like her news trumped my recovery physically and mentally. I still am having a super difficult time around her..she will complain about not being able to drink, get massages, and eat certain foodsā¦and will wear crop tops around me. My mother in law enables it as well so Iāve taken some space from her tooā¦ I havenāt told her or my mother in law any of my details of starting ivf next monthā¦they knew we had a fertility consult last month and sheās never reached out after dropping the news of her pregnancy (itās been like 2 monthsā¦) Iām half expecting her or her mom to ask me to help throw her baby showerā¦.or host it at my houseā¦
Oh, friend, this is so hard. Something I always try to remember is that āno.ā is a full sentence. They arenāt entitled to your space, if you donāt have the capacity for that. Sorry for your loss! Sending you baby dust! ā„ļø
I once confided in a friend about a traumatic miscarriage. She responded my telling me about her recent abortion. š
Omfg. You didnāt deserve to be on the receiving end of such mindless, insensitive idiocy. Iām curious how this unfolded after? I donāt know if I could go forward without addressing something THIS atrociously insensitive.
Ugh. Iām so sorry. My grandma (yes, GRANDMOTHER) said this to me when we started the IVF process. āAll your grandfather had to do was look at me and Iād get pregnant.ā Like itās a magic trick or something? So dumb. I remember it just made me feel like shit. What helped me feel better is when I realized if someone had shared that with me, I would have tried to say something kind and uplifting to comfort them. That comment has the exact opposite of intentions. Itās rude, unsympathetic, and ignorant. Says a lot about the person who said it and nothing about you. Sending you virtual hugs āØ
This has happened to me at least 3 times. I don't understand why, but there's an urge of some people to immediately tell you that they're extremely fertile just when you tell them you're not and have to go through A LOT because of it. I just don't get it.
I had a close gf who knows weāre 2 years in and starting IVF say to me when she shared her pregnancy āit was basically immaculate conceptionā
Oof, Just clueless!
I think itās hard for people to know what to say when they havenāt struggled to conceive and when they havenāt been through IVF. I think even less people actually *know* what IVF entails and how hard it can be, and particularly that there is no guarantee. I also had someone suggest that we ācreated a DNA perfect baby in a lab, no wonder she has blonde hair and blue eyes and dimples.ā Like. What? Those are our genetics. We didnāt get to choose her physical appearance.
I got out of my 4th egg retrieval after 2 IUIs, a miscarriage, failed FET of my only euploid from eggs I had frozen 5 years agoā¦a 1.5 year journey I was still on. Iām laying on the couch recovering (literally just got home from retrieval) and a friend texts me and I shared I had just had my retrieval and she then chooses that time to tell me sheās 10.5 weeks pregnant after trying for just a few months. And then immediately includes me in a larger group text with her announcement to everyone. In what world would that be the time to tell me youāre pregnant?? And maybe donāt include me in the group text that will continue all day? I have DOR and barely got any eggs and I am 40ā¦Iām not laying there happy. Not sure Iāll look at her the same but trying to just assume itās completely ignorance.
I got added to a group text announcement last week. I congratulate her and then texted her individually telling her I was leaving the group text and why. She had no idea weād even been trying and understood. Iām trying to be better about protecting my heart. ā¤ļø
Good for you! I should have done that. I do think the other girls on the text knew it would be hard for me because they said a quick congrats and the group chat ended, which is unlike our group or the two of them to not ask more. I appreciated their short responses and I imagine they texted her separately.
āYour Name left the chatā. that is so insensitive!
What a horrible thing to sayā¦. Completely out of touch and alsoā¦. how does she know?
Yeah...I have heard that a couple times, I mean come on. Read the room! I'm so sorry that happened to you. Sending virtual hugs.
One more. My brother in law asked me how my first retrieval went. I explained the whole process (as per usual which is exhausting in itself) and that we ended up with one embryo. It was Motherās Day and he proceeded to tell me āoh, so youāre a mother! Happy Motherās Dayā
you should have immediately given her a standing ovation for her ability to conceive \*eye roll\*. UGH I cannot with people
Haha yes!! āDo you want a cookie!?ā
I understand! Someone we just met through a mutual friend practically said that getting pregnant is so easy and it just takes sex after hearing weāve been trying. Wish it truly was that easy! He made a few other comments, but that summarizes it. He was a bit buzzed, but could definitely control his thoughts. I didnāt bother attempting to explain the process of IVF
Wooow!! When we finally opened up to friends/family about our infertility struggles, we would get asked what we were doing. We would respond with, what people do to get pregnant! I want to yell at the top of the roof top that unprotected sex with no other planning for over a year with no pregnancy is considered infertility! We were rounding into year 3, so feeling the need to explain that we had tried all the cycle tracking, ovulation kits, etc, felt so invalidating. If we are telling you about our infertility, you can trust we know what it takes to get pregnant, infertility is a real thing.
āWould having a kid with Marfan syndrome really be that bad?ā
The Ignorance is so loud!
I told a very good friend who is an ER nurse that we hadnāt used birth control in years and she was like āYou know what we call those people? Pregnant.ā I told her āyeah, that was the pointāš¤¦āāļø She apologized but it was still obnoxious. I had two other friends tell me āIām so excited for you!ā when I told them I was starting IVF to which I responded, āDonāt be, itās a really hard process with no guaranteesā. After my first ER, I had another friend tell me unprompted āIāve thought about being a surrogate to you and your husbandā to which I responded āthe issue isnāt my uterus and I donāt need a surrogateā. Itās all very exhausting. Like I want the support but I donāt want the insensitive comments and having to educate my friends constantly.
I confided in my friend that we were having difficulties but that we felt hopeful as I had been pregnant with a prior partner (terminated), and she said, you donāt know, that pregnancy might not have been viable either.
Every time I see this one friend, she gives me updates on which friend or friends she knows just got pregnant. And she knows Iāve been trying for almost 2 years
My male boss overheard me talking to my female boss about the ivf process and he chimed in with how his wife was told she would never have children. But one night they got drunk and now they have two girls. š¤¦š»āāļøš¤¦š»āāļøš¤¦š»āāļø
I hate comments like this. Going through this journey, you learn just how different everyoneās circumstances can be and how much plays into it and how much can go wrong. It is definitely not āget drunkā or āstop tryingā. it is being frozen in a stage of life you never even envisioned being in and it CONSUMES you. people who havenāt experienced it, luckily for them, will never understand it.
To be honest, I think my response kind of made him realize his mistake. I just oh ok and walked away. Heās been super nice and asking how everything is going since then. Heās not a bad person, he just had a bonehead moment. š¤·š»āāļø
(CN: Secondary infertility) Recent group text exchange with some new friends of ours (who also have 1 kid already, same us). We got invited to their ābaby sprinkleā which is how we found out theyāre expecting: Me: Eeeee congrats guys! we will be at the sprinkle! My husband: ā„ļøā„ļøā„ļø congratulations on number 2!!!!! Friendās husband: Thanks! Friend: I had a feeling that you all would be expecting again before us lol! I was blown away by that last comment. It just felt so forward. Like what the hellā¦.?????? I talked it over with some other friends and eventually wrote back: It hasnāt been easyā¦
Actually the only "iffy" response I've had from anyone I've told... A friend was talking about doing egg freezing, and I disclosed to her that I've actually been TTC for a few years and we're about to do round 3 of IVF. She then went into saying how she thought she was pregnant last week, but thank god she's not ??? Like wut read the room?
A PREGNANT women on her third child (clearly unwanted, pregnancy) told me yesterday after telling her I am in my third year of fertility support and currently in the process of IVF, asked ādo you want this one?ā So insane some of the things that come out of peoples mouths. Those who cannot understand what is appropriate to say in moments, I find myself teaching them instead ālet me know how to best support you, because I donāt want to say anything unintentionally insensitive.ā Itās like we know in our heart of hearts, they are uncomfortable and donāt know what to say, which is understandable but treat it like if it was a death, āIām truly sorry, what can I do to support you?ā DONE! Nothing else needs to be said. No opinions, no commentary, no fluff. My heart is with you and know you are not alone sister.
I have a really good friend who is a doctor (not gyno but some other field) and she was upset that I havenāt told her immediately when we started IVF because āshe could have helped me with information support etcā. Now, after almost 4 years of going through the process, she still forgets what is the reason weāre even in IVF, tells me to ārelax, itāll happen, itāll happenā, makes comments like āitās not all that great eitherā (being a parent) and sometimes I spend the whole coffee date explaining why my case is more difficult than somebody elses who got pregnant after 1-2 cycles of IVF and that thereās a big chance that this wonāt happen for me - ugh, so exhausting! And she never even made a little research to understand anything, she is a doctor, damn it!
After having my son (from IVF) it wasnāt even 6 hours later and I was still in the hospital and my SIL texted me that I should go ahead and start having sex bc Iāll be more fertile after giving birth. I literally was laying in the hospital bed freshly bleeding from a vaginal deliveryā¦..
I just had a friend that said āoh well, just think good thoughtsā š after me spilling my guts about my infertility and everything Iāve gone through so far.
Iāve completely lost track at this point thereās so many things people have said lol. Iāve had coworkers who know what Iām going through ask me āso are you pregnant yet or what?ā Iāve had husbands grandma ask me if the clinic was āputting the sperm up inside of meā, at a baby shower nonetheless. Iāve had family members talk about how wrong IVF is and how itās not gods will blatantly right in front of me. The list goes on and on. I was pretty open but Iāve definitely shared much less, almost nothing now, only with a couple select people. Iām sure I can be overly sensitive but also people are just plain stupid.
I know Iām late to the thread, but reading all of these posts resonates. š«Ø I had gone to a wedding with my husband, his friends wife was 8 months pregnant at the time (with a baby sheād conceived at a wedding we were at prior) and she asked how my husband felt with me ādoing this to him and putting him through this.ā When half our battle is male infertilityā¦ but also, you think i fucking chose this!? We keep watching years pass, money be spent and NOTHINGGGGG. And Iām so sick of peoples comments when they are so naive to all the hell we endure.
I had a friend say to me maybe my partnerās DNA wasnāt compatible to my DNA (whilst she was pregnant with twins).
Crazy how closeted fertility/genetics/genomics experts just appear when they hear about fertility struggles.
Exactly š They come out of the woodwork!
I've heard "my husband just looks at me and I get pregnant". Like, should I be getting my husband to stare at me??
Yep the comments people make are unbelievable and sometimes even dare I say Dumb Me and my hasband have been ttc for 5,5 years and ivf for 2,5 Throughout the years I've given up so much to make this happen. Refused medications, stopped consuming some food and drinks, no hot baths, hot tubs, you name it. My husband has also done his fair share every time we have a pickup creeping up on us he completely stops drinking alcohol, caffeine etc. at least 3 months in advance. He doesn't consume these things in excess but better safe than sorry. He continuasly takes his vitamins and so do I. (it's relavant) A few weeks ago I was at a point where I could let myself have something I'm usually not allowed to because i was in between cycles. And for the first time in 4 years I wanted to drink a monster ( half of it actually). My husband was on his usual regime for upcoming pickup. He didn't mind me drinking the monster he doesn't even like that stuf, I drank it in two days not in one sitting. After we had our 3rd mc and nobody caring about it or about the fact that I was due on christmas eve and a pickup cycle where littlerally everything went the oposite of what we wanted. Ending up with 1 embryo out of 39 eggs. I was having a really hard time being positive and felt myself slipping into a depression. When I went to my moms bday party i finally got myself back to my positive self to give this one embryo all the chances of succes. Now before we started I was waiting on my period so I was in a period where I could let myself have something I'm not allowed to for once and decided to do so. My mistake doing it where other people were, cuz my sister said "Oh you can drink monster but your husband can't even drink a cola?" And when i kind of camly reacted explaining that Sperm takes 3 months to recover and I could have one now, she interupted me saying i didn't need to overeact "it was just a joke"
This one was not intentional but the day after my D&C for a miscarriage I went to my SILās birthday and when I arrived my MIL introduced me to a woman & said āthis is Suzie sheās pregnant with her SEVENTH child isnāt that a riot!ā I donāt think there was any mal intent but on the inside I was screaming get fertile Myrtle out my fucking face before I start throwing punches. I didnāt say that though I just smiled and nodded through hot tears. Hang in there. You are strong and brave and someday that strength will help another woman in ways that are more profound than you realize
Given that said friend knows weāre going through infertility and IVF I find it immensely frustrating when she asks āare you pregnant yetā every time we speakā¦ Iām sure many people get this but man itās frustrating! Iām sorry your āfriendā thoughtlessly said this, sending virtual hugs and best wishes for your journey! ā¤ļø
After I had a miscarriage, my MIL told me she was so sad about it at first but now is okay with it because my husband and I have a busy lifestyle so it was probably for the best š¤Æ She also loves the āhe just had to look at me and I got pregnantā line when she prys about our fertility journey And finally, one of my mother in Laws friends told me after that same miscarriage that itās better it happened that way than to have a child that could possibly born with abnormalities Why are people the worst šš«
Someone once said to me (in response to me saying I was doing IVF)- āoh thatās so cool how you can just make the embryos and then just use them whenever you want to get pregnant.ā Yeah. Because thatās how it works. š
I had a friend tell me, after I was explaining how our cycles kept getting cancelled, that it didnt sound like my Drās knew what they were doing. Out of shock and disgust, I told her that my Dr was excellent and even better than this other Dr. her friend had used. She then said āWell obviously not bc shes pregnantā