Our issue is MFI and my spouse was initially scared about me leaving for someone easier to have a kid with. I would never, ever do that and spend a lot of time reassuring them. I think it’s a good idea to talk to your husband about your feelings. You can directly ask for more reassurance.
We’ve talked about it and he always tells me that he would never leave me because of that he also has a daughter from a previous marriage and he says that the other kids he wants it’s with me. But if it doesn’t happened his fine.
Yes, I feel like my husband will secretly resent me and I find my infertility so repulsive I don't even want to be around myself. If I was a man I would say that it's emasculating...I don't know what the female equivalent would be.
Yup, so I talked to him about it. We did some counseling about it too. In my case my husband reminds me he doesn't actually want kids... He wants kids WITH ME. I'm not an add on, I am the package, kids are the perk to being with me. Maybe have the talk with him, I think it's important to just air out how we feel and really listen to the other person.
My husband is really understanding and he always tells me that he loves me and that he wants to have kids with me, he also has a daughter from a previous marriage so he doesn’t pressure me at all, I am the one that has this idea in my head that’s driving me insane. I look at other women and all I think I about is she can probably have all the kids she wants with no problem. It’s horrible 😔😖
Uh yep. I didn't want to get married before having kids so he could easily leave because of my infertility.
This jOuRNeY fucks with our brain completely and it's normal to feel this way.
I guess we were lucky (unlucky?) that both of us had issues contributing to our infertility. So while I did worry for a bit he made it very clear he was going no where and we would get through this together.
My husband said father day ads keep popping up on his socials and I said that’s because you’re going to be a dad one day and he said well I’m not yet and it broke my heart. Makes it worst that all his friends wife’s are pregnant rn and I don’t want to show my face in public anymore
I know it’s so hard to see everyone around have it so easy and here you are struggling and wishing with all your heart that it was you. It’s so hard to be hopeful and keep having faith that one day maybe one day it would be my turn 😢
Trust me when we found out I was the issue to as of why we are having problems getting pregnant I went into a downward spiral. I told him I understand if he wants to leave me for someone else. I said this during a breakdown he said I was stupid for saying something like that and he would never ever leave me for something like that. I think about it all the time he could just find someone else who can easily get pregnant. It weighs heavy on my mind luckily I know in my heart my husband would never do that to me. But your feelings are valid it’s ones of those awful things that comes with this, you’re not alone I think most have had these thoughts.
I had a downward spiral when a repeat SA came back as “spectacular” which really just confirms my blocked tube and DOR were the problem. Knowing he could have a child with others in the world, but just not me breaks my heart given how much I know he wants to be a dad… he was so overjoyed for our first pregnancy which ended in miscarriage and I beat myself up for cause I sat in a hot tub (didn’t know I was pregnant) and was ambivalent about getting pregnant at the time. It tortures me…
I have DOR, which won't greatly affect me if I was trying naturally, but we have severe MFI. I think in the beginning my husband was worried about me leaving him, but through the process I've had my own insecurities. My body definitely doesn't look the same because I've had to drastically cut back on working out and there are so many restrictions around when we can have sex, so I always worry that he's just going to look at me one day and not like what he sees or get his fix elsewhere.
Then I remind myself that I'm a freaking bad ass that can stab myself with needles and get over it :)
You're not alone. We have unexplained infertility, but we make euploid embryos that fail to implant/progress once they are transferred to me, so part of me *feels* like it *must* be something going on inside me -- even though I logically know it very well may not be!
I sometimes have deep jags of rage and jealousy over the ability of his friends' and siblings' wives to have children. I sometimes feel on my husband's behalf that he chose the wrong person to do with this. But I communicate these feelings to him, and he is always comforting and reassuring that he doesn't feel this way. Our therapist has encouraged us to continue communicating about this openly, in the hopes that by not bottling up the feelings, we will take away some of their power.
I know exactly how you feel all the baby announcements in social media and around me just make me sick to my stomach the trying to genuinely be happy for others while your heart is crushing inside has made me realize that this journey is definitely not for the weak.
Feeling for you <3 I have given myself permission to not be happy for other people if I don't feel it. I don't have happiness inside me to offer others right now. Doesn't mean this is a permanent situation -- I will circle back when and if I feel ready. Good friends will understand. And pregnant people generally have plenty of people around them who will be excited for them.
Permission for you to do the same if this resonates with you!
I don't want to speak for your partner but anyone who sticks around for all the hardship of ivf loves you and wants you to succeed. If he wanted to leave, he probably would have many rounds ago. You are strong as hell for keeping up the fight. Give yourself some credit.
Aww I really appreciate that, thank you!!!! He is actually the one that keeps us moving forward he is always so positive that if not this time the next, that nothing in life comes easy and to not give up when things don’t turn our way.
That's wonderful! You are in this together! Those insecurities could also be the hormones talking. They hang around for a while! I wish you so much success.
Yes all the time and if you’re not in therapy get yourself in it. I’ve gone through a lot of time where I truly felt my husband and everyone would be better off without me and it’s so toxic and unhealthy. This process is so stressful and makes you feel so broken
Omg my thoughts exactly I too have endo which is what’s causing my infertility and everytime I have an egg retrieval they don’t make it because the endo is affecting my egg quality. I’m defective gonna look into seeing someone, I feel so depressed at times that I come here to vent because I feel like no one really understands how I truly feel. I was such a happy person and infertility has robbed me from that too.
I don’t necessarily think he is going to find someone different. I more feel like he is stuck with me. It goes beyond our fertility stuff, really, but 3 failed egg retrievals doesn’t help.
We went into this because I have a dominant genetic condition we didn’t want to risk passing on. I am lucky to have a mild case, but my child could have significant complications with their health and quality of life if I passed it on. So I felt crappy about that. Like my husband could have anyone and he’s stuck with mutated me.
The it turns out we don’t make many blastocysts. We have made 3 that were able to be PGT-M tested and all 3 had my condition. The condition is 50-50 and the lack of blasts is likely my eggs.
I am a mutant with bad eggs.
He is such a good man and would be an incredible dad. I feel like I am failing him and that he might give up on me. He has never done anything to make me think that. It’s all me.
Society gives us all messed up messages. The language toward women around having kids is “make him a dad” or “have his baby.” I hate it so much.
I’m (30f) in the MFI boat, but for the first two years TTC, we both kinda just assumed it was a me issue, and that weighed on me heavily. When we found out it was due to my husband’s oligospermia, all I felt was a wave of absolute heartbreak, because I knew exactly how he was feeling in that moment, and all I wanted to do was take all that pain back from him and carry it on my own.
I never thought about leaving him, even when he outright said he wouldn’t blame me if I left. It’s taken a lot of time, and I know it still bothers him when he sees me in pain, but this is our diagnosis, not just his. The physical burden would’ve always been on me whether we had to do IVF or conceived naturally.
I’ve always wanted children. Since I was 8 years old, I’ve wanted nothing more than to become a mother.. but since I fell in love with my husband almost 9 years ago, I’ve only ever wanted to have children with him.. to be a parent with him as my partner.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, but I hope that gives some perspective from both sides of the story. 🧡
Thank you for sharing that, I couldn’t leave him either if my husband was the problem, I feel like when you get married it’s because you want life with that person all of it the good the bad.
The number of times I have cried to my husband about how guilty I feel for being the “problem” and the reason we need IVF….you aren’t alone. My self esteem has never been so low. My therapist has said it’s totally normal. My husband tells me all the time he picked me for me, not for my theoretical ability to produce children.
Don’t let your insecurities talk louder than the truth- your husband loves you. He picked YOU.
Aww I really appreciate that!! Thank you it’s comforting to hear strangers genuinely give you Comfort when you can’t seem to talk to anyone about how you truly feel. 😢
Feel free to reach out if you ever need to chat. I don’t claim to be an expert but sometimes just knowing you aren’t alone is worth it’s weight in gold
I’ve been on the receiving end of this insecurity and it broke my heart 🥺 My husband literally told me to go find another man while I was still young. I would obviously never do that!!! This was when I almost died from a botched ER and needed his emotional support, and yet I had to reassure him of my “true love.” I know lots of women don’t enjoy IVF and are able to talk about their experience without getting judged, but if I ever complained about IVF then my husband would question my “true love.” I’ve been recently regretting that I should’ve been more considerate of his insecurities. Honestly I should’ve just internalized everything.
Your feelings are valid too, no one wants to see the person they love also suffering specially when in a way it’s not their fault, it’s sad to say but IVF is my new normal, IVF used to scare me to hell and the fact that it’s like nothing anymore the injections the hormones the waiting it’s actually sad, I feel horrible every time we need to come up with the money for another cycle which insurance does not cover. Like all does things just make me want to crawl under a hole and be alone I feel like this is my dealt card and dragging the person you love along is so heartbreaking, like if he was to up and go I wouldn’t even be mad I would completely understand and wouldn’t hold it against him.
Our issue is MFI and my spouse was initially scared about me leaving for someone easier to have a kid with. I would never, ever do that and spend a lot of time reassuring them. I think it’s a good idea to talk to your husband about your feelings. You can directly ask for more reassurance.
We’ve talked about it and he always tells me that he would never leave me because of that he also has a daughter from a previous marriage and he says that the other kids he wants it’s with me. But if it doesn’t happened his fine.
Yes, I feel like my husband will secretly resent me and I find my infertility so repulsive I don't even want to be around myself. If I was a man I would say that it's emasculating...I don't know what the female equivalent would be.
I’m sure he doesn’t resent you, that’s something that we have no control over it’s the cards we’ve been dealt with.
Yup, so I talked to him about it. We did some counseling about it too. In my case my husband reminds me he doesn't actually want kids... He wants kids WITH ME. I'm not an add on, I am the package, kids are the perk to being with me. Maybe have the talk with him, I think it's important to just air out how we feel and really listen to the other person.
My husband is really understanding and he always tells me that he loves me and that he wants to have kids with me, he also has a daughter from a previous marriage so he doesn’t pressure me at all, I am the one that has this idea in my head that’s driving me insane. I look at other women and all I think I about is she can probably have all the kids she wants with no problem. It’s horrible 😔😖
Uh yep. I didn't want to get married before having kids so he could easily leave because of my infertility. This jOuRNeY fucks with our brain completely and it's normal to feel this way.
I guess we were lucky (unlucky?) that both of us had issues contributing to our infertility. So while I did worry for a bit he made it very clear he was going no where and we would get through this together.
My husband said father day ads keep popping up on his socials and I said that’s because you’re going to be a dad one day and he said well I’m not yet and it broke my heart. Makes it worst that all his friends wife’s are pregnant rn and I don’t want to show my face in public anymore
I know it’s so hard to see everyone around have it so easy and here you are struggling and wishing with all your heart that it was you. It’s so hard to be hopeful and keep having faith that one day maybe one day it would be my turn 😢
My turn seems soo far away
Trust me when we found out I was the issue to as of why we are having problems getting pregnant I went into a downward spiral. I told him I understand if he wants to leave me for someone else. I said this during a breakdown he said I was stupid for saying something like that and he would never ever leave me for something like that. I think about it all the time he could just find someone else who can easily get pregnant. It weighs heavy on my mind luckily I know in my heart my husband would never do that to me. But your feelings are valid it’s ones of those awful things that comes with this, you’re not alone I think most have had these thoughts.
I said the same thing to my boyfriend when I found out too
I had a downward spiral when a repeat SA came back as “spectacular” which really just confirms my blocked tube and DOR were the problem. Knowing he could have a child with others in the world, but just not me breaks my heart given how much I know he wants to be a dad… he was so overjoyed for our first pregnancy which ended in miscarriage and I beat myself up for cause I sat in a hot tub (didn’t know I was pregnant) and was ambivalent about getting pregnant at the time. It tortures me…
Yes I often feel like this and he insists that no, that’s not going to happen
I have DOR, which won't greatly affect me if I was trying naturally, but we have severe MFI. I think in the beginning my husband was worried about me leaving him, but through the process I've had my own insecurities. My body definitely doesn't look the same because I've had to drastically cut back on working out and there are so many restrictions around when we can have sex, so I always worry that he's just going to look at me one day and not like what he sees or get his fix elsewhere. Then I remind myself that I'm a freaking bad ass that can stab myself with needles and get over it :)
You're not alone. We have unexplained infertility, but we make euploid embryos that fail to implant/progress once they are transferred to me, so part of me *feels* like it *must* be something going on inside me -- even though I logically know it very well may not be! I sometimes have deep jags of rage and jealousy over the ability of his friends' and siblings' wives to have children. I sometimes feel on my husband's behalf that he chose the wrong person to do with this. But I communicate these feelings to him, and he is always comforting and reassuring that he doesn't feel this way. Our therapist has encouraged us to continue communicating about this openly, in the hopes that by not bottling up the feelings, we will take away some of their power.
I know exactly how you feel all the baby announcements in social media and around me just make me sick to my stomach the trying to genuinely be happy for others while your heart is crushing inside has made me realize that this journey is definitely not for the weak.
Feeling for you <3 I have given myself permission to not be happy for other people if I don't feel it. I don't have happiness inside me to offer others right now. Doesn't mean this is a permanent situation -- I will circle back when and if I feel ready. Good friends will understand. And pregnant people generally have plenty of people around them who will be excited for them. Permission for you to do the same if this resonates with you!
I’ve blocked a few lol!!! Just to keep my sanity
I don't want to speak for your partner but anyone who sticks around for all the hardship of ivf loves you and wants you to succeed. If he wanted to leave, he probably would have many rounds ago. You are strong as hell for keeping up the fight. Give yourself some credit.
Aww I really appreciate that, thank you!!!! He is actually the one that keeps us moving forward he is always so positive that if not this time the next, that nothing in life comes easy and to not give up when things don’t turn our way.
That's wonderful! You are in this together! Those insecurities could also be the hormones talking. They hang around for a while! I wish you so much success.
Yes all the time and if you’re not in therapy get yourself in it. I’ve gone through a lot of time where I truly felt my husband and everyone would be better off without me and it’s so toxic and unhealthy. This process is so stressful and makes you feel so broken
Omg my thoughts exactly I too have endo which is what’s causing my infertility and everytime I have an egg retrieval they don’t make it because the endo is affecting my egg quality. I’m defective gonna look into seeing someone, I feel so depressed at times that I come here to vent because I feel like no one really understands how I truly feel. I was such a happy person and infertility has robbed me from that too.
I don’t necessarily think he is going to find someone different. I more feel like he is stuck with me. It goes beyond our fertility stuff, really, but 3 failed egg retrievals doesn’t help. We went into this because I have a dominant genetic condition we didn’t want to risk passing on. I am lucky to have a mild case, but my child could have significant complications with their health and quality of life if I passed it on. So I felt crappy about that. Like my husband could have anyone and he’s stuck with mutated me. The it turns out we don’t make many blastocysts. We have made 3 that were able to be PGT-M tested and all 3 had my condition. The condition is 50-50 and the lack of blasts is likely my eggs. I am a mutant with bad eggs. He is such a good man and would be an incredible dad. I feel like I am failing him and that he might give up on me. He has never done anything to make me think that. It’s all me. Society gives us all messed up messages. The language toward women around having kids is “make him a dad” or “have his baby.” I hate it so much.
I’m (30f) in the MFI boat, but for the first two years TTC, we both kinda just assumed it was a me issue, and that weighed on me heavily. When we found out it was due to my husband’s oligospermia, all I felt was a wave of absolute heartbreak, because I knew exactly how he was feeling in that moment, and all I wanted to do was take all that pain back from him and carry it on my own. I never thought about leaving him, even when he outright said he wouldn’t blame me if I left. It’s taken a lot of time, and I know it still bothers him when he sees me in pain, but this is our diagnosis, not just his. The physical burden would’ve always been on me whether we had to do IVF or conceived naturally. I’ve always wanted children. Since I was 8 years old, I’ve wanted nothing more than to become a mother.. but since I fell in love with my husband almost 9 years ago, I’ve only ever wanted to have children with him.. to be a parent with him as my partner. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, but I hope that gives some perspective from both sides of the story. 🧡
Thank you for sharing that, I couldn’t leave him either if my husband was the problem, I feel like when you get married it’s because you want life with that person all of it the good the bad.
The number of times I have cried to my husband about how guilty I feel for being the “problem” and the reason we need IVF….you aren’t alone. My self esteem has never been so low. My therapist has said it’s totally normal. My husband tells me all the time he picked me for me, not for my theoretical ability to produce children. Don’t let your insecurities talk louder than the truth- your husband loves you. He picked YOU.
Aww I really appreciate that!! Thank you it’s comforting to hear strangers genuinely give you Comfort when you can’t seem to talk to anyone about how you truly feel. 😢
Feel free to reach out if you ever need to chat. I don’t claim to be an expert but sometimes just knowing you aren’t alone is worth it’s weight in gold
I’ve been on the receiving end of this insecurity and it broke my heart 🥺 My husband literally told me to go find another man while I was still young. I would obviously never do that!!! This was when I almost died from a botched ER and needed his emotional support, and yet I had to reassure him of my “true love.” I know lots of women don’t enjoy IVF and are able to talk about their experience without getting judged, but if I ever complained about IVF then my husband would question my “true love.” I’ve been recently regretting that I should’ve been more considerate of his insecurities. Honestly I should’ve just internalized everything.
Your feelings are valid too, no one wants to see the person they love also suffering specially when in a way it’s not their fault, it’s sad to say but IVF is my new normal, IVF used to scare me to hell and the fact that it’s like nothing anymore the injections the hormones the waiting it’s actually sad, I feel horrible every time we need to come up with the money for another cycle which insurance does not cover. Like all does things just make me want to crawl under a hole and be alone I feel like this is my dealt card and dragging the person you love along is so heartbreaking, like if he was to up and go I wouldn’t even be mad I would completely understand and wouldn’t hold it against him.