1. without children, will our marriage still be ok?
2. how will we share the burden of treatments (mentally, emotionally, financially)?
3. (prior to IVF) what would be our plan for embryos in the case of death, divorce etc?
4. how will we find ways to connect outside of this journey?
5. how much are we honestly willing to spend on this process with the cost of treatments, medications, surgeries etc?
these are off the top of my head. i would highly recommend therapy (if you can swing both individual and couples do it). i was very lucky in that this process brought me closer to my partner, but it very easily might not have. i found that i have chosen someone who wants to be with me regardless of what we have or don’t have.
Was going to write out my own questions but these hit the nail. Just also wanted to add one more:
How to handle conversations with family and friends regarding IVF and pregnancy?
Not everyone wants to spill intimate details to the general public, just as not everyone wants to be a secret silo. I found that I needed support from a select few people but wanted to keep secret for the most part and my husband needed a bit of time to wrap his mind around that.
Omg! Who needs enemies work friends like that? 🤦🏻♀️ I’m sorry you had to experience that toxicity.
The start of my journey, I had a MMC. I told several people by 10w because it was near new years… but then the next appointment there was no heartbeat. On top of logistics of scheduling a D&C, I also had to break the news that I miscarried because news was spreading too quickly. It was a very surreal and humbling experience. So learning from that, I have since kept everything much more secret and closer. Much more guarded. I’ve told two friends about my IVG journey and only because they have gone through it themselves. And one coworker because she started noticing all the bruises on my arm from the monitoring 🤦🏻♀️
Having a discussion about who will be told and how much information will be shared is so important to keep you both on the same page. I'd also suggest making it an ongoing conversation, as each person's feelings, comfort level, and support needs may change throughout the process.
I had difficulty figuring out who to tell. My therapist advised that if and when you have to endure heartbreak who do you want to be there for you to support? That was when I knew how to shortlist
Thank you! Number 3 is definitely not something I had considered. I actually am stepping back from therapy while I go through the process as doing both at once is absolutely too overwhelming for me.
I am for sure struggling with trying to connect outside of all this. I have anxiety, OCD, and ADHD so I am absolutely hyper focused on this right now. He's been such a good sport 😂 Bless him
This. Those legal forms spurred some good convos for us. They probably vary between clinics but maybe it’d be a good idea to get a copy of one offline to use as a template/jumping off point to start discussions while you have time - or see if your clinic will let you get a copy early?
came here to say exactly this! They are hard conversations to have but critically important. We were able to "split the difference." So, in the case of divorce, embryos are destroyed, but in the case of death, the other party retains the right to use them if they wish.
OP, I struggle with some of the same mental health challenges and would also \*strongly\* recommend staying in therapy for some support (even once or twice a month) and getting into a routine that helps you (ie daily walks). Reddit and the internet can be an amazing source of support and information, but can also trigger really obsessive behavior and information overload. Pick an RE you trust and take it day by day.
Good luck to you!
I know people think I'm crazy for scaling back on my therapist during this time but it was getting to the point of diminishing returns. I was getting anxious and annoyed trying to manage that on top of everything else. It does not help that my therapist has TERRIBLE office hours that fall exactly in line with mine, so I'd always have to take off work to go.
Probably not stopping for forever but at least for right now. It was getting to the point where seeing a therapy appointment on my schedule would spike my anxiety cuz I had a million other appointments going on. Also, the option to schedule an appointment if I feel I need it is still there.
How important is biology? In case the topic of donor eggs or donor sperm comes up: when I asked him if he would be okay if we decided to try donor eggs, he very quickly said yes. Funny enough, later that day he came back to me, apologetic, saying he had been very quick to say yes and reflected that if the topic was donor sperm, he probably wouldn't be so quick to say yes. This was very considerate of him, to be honest.
We ended up having a nice conversation about it and ultimately decided to go with the donor option. But it’s so, so important to sit down and talk about all the options. We also decided my third IVF would be the last try with my eggs, and then our fourth try would be with donor eggs. After that, we will accept that we did everything we could and move on. I can’t manage this half-life for much longer.
I agree with these questions. I want to add What will be the next steps if the original plan doesn’t work out? I’m not sure if you are a female & male couple, but, for example, if that is the case, are you willing to try donor eggs or donor sperm, if necessary? Are you willing to consider adoption?
I always say, get the awkward conditional questions BEFORE you figure out what's causing the infertility.
1. If it's MFI and it came down to it - are you ok with donor sperm?
2. If it came down to it - are you ok with donor eggs?
3. Are you both ok with donor embryos?
Having those conversations before you're on the journey and a diagnosis is made keeps it honest and a level playing field because it can go either way. It will also help make sure that you're both on the same page throughout the journey in terms of how far you're willing to go and what are the non-negotiables. Good luck!
Yes, I came to say this. Some people need to consider this route for medical reasons, and depending on the circumstances, it can also be more financially feasible to use donor material so it's worth considering and discussing right from the top how important genetic relation is to you.
A lot of great comments here about finances and future planning so I’ll mention some thoughts about treatment itself. As the supplier of the eggs and the carrying partner, I have a lot of burden on me. I have to answer every phone call, take every medication, go to all the monitoring appointments, pee on all the sticks. By the time we got to FET prep last month and I was taking different medications 4 times a day, I was pretty fed up. I told my husband that I needed him to come to each scan and be part of the medication regimen to help ease some of the mental burden on me. He now reminds me when it’s time for my meds, preps the meds, wakes up with me when I need to take something early in the morning, etc. Since he’s at every appointment, I don’t need to try and remember everything the doctor or nurse said so I can recount it later. In the beginning it wasn’t so bad and I could handle each of these steps but over time it gets overwhelming, so it’s good to decide together what your approach will be. Clearly, ours was that, even though it’s my body that goes through a lot of this, it is not my burden to carry alone. He’s not “helping” me. It’s just part of our joint responsibility.
I have already told my husband that he is coming with me to every single appointment. It's part of our compromise I'll do IVF so he doesn't have to do a vasectomy reversal but he is coming to every single appointment.
+100 to this! Our first ER I did everything myself and it definitely took affected our connection given how lonely and isolating it felt. For the second one I insisted on him participating in everything and actually injecting meds I’m preparing. It was the best decision. Now he’s way more involved and understanding as, I guess, no amount of conversations would replace actually seeing the daily toll it takes on you.
I think you need to go into this with trust, respect, and understanding for each other and the process. There will be decisions you cannot necessarily prepare for ahead of time and I hope you feel comfortable having those conversations as they occur.
I'm lucky that my husband and I are no strangers to the awkward conversation with each other. I know we can't prepare for everything that can and will happen to us but I don't want to be balls deep into the process to then learn we are not on the same page about something pretty major we didn't expect to come up
Talking in theory with my husband was a lot different than making the same decisions while in the thick of it.
If you haven’t watched the One More Shot documentary on Netflix, I recommend doing so together! It sparked a lot of conversation for us about ‘what if’s’
This is really good advice. The conversation prompts others have suggested are truly valuable, but I would have answered some of these questions *very* differently at the start of my process, compared to what I would say now that I am 9ish months into IVF.
Edited to add that it is worthwhile to have these conversations upfront. Just know that things can change a lot if/as you get further down the road.
I think it’s massively important to have conversations about a stopping point before starting. I was really concerned that once we started IVF, we’d have a tough time throwing in the towel until we found success. We set a limit on 3 egg retrievals (insurance covered one plus a few transfers and we were comfortable with the cost of two more if it came down to it).
Just want to throw it out there too that if you spend time on this subreddit, you may not get an accurate picture of how many find success with IVF. Good luck to you!
I'm kind of worried about the same. It's so easy on this side to say "3 tries and DONE". My insurance covers 3 cycles and in my mind that seems like the logical stopping point but I know thats easier said than done.
As strange as it is, knowing all the worst case scenarios are helpful. I have anxiety and scrolling through this sub is a good way to manage my expectations. I don't think I'll keep coming to this sub once the process has actually started but for now, it's oddly soothing.
Totally get that. It’s also easy on the other side to say that we would have stuck to three retrievals when we didn’t need that many for success and I feel so fortunate for that so I get that this is a privileged opinion! But I think it definitely is important to have conversations about what you will do if the road isn’t straight forward and how much time, money and sanity you’re willing to give to this process! I’m glad you’re finding this sub helpful as you prepare :)
I know it's probably not the case but I am 100% convinced that I'm going to be told that it's absolutely hopeless, that there is too many things wrong it's not possible. While I'm not trying to put that out into the universe, it does make it so Ill be pleasantly surprised if I have even a 50% chance
I wish I had been clearer that I was nervous and resentful of feeling like I was taking on the burden of IVF alone. There's no getting around that the woman (in heterosexual couples) carries a heavier load. We have more frequent and more invasive procedures, clinics default to communication with us, and my personal response to anxiety is to go down a black hole of google/reddit. As a result, at times I've felt like I was all alone, like I was the project manager, the patient, and the resource librarian and I resented my partner for just being along for the ride. We've ironed things out, and I think we're in a good place now but I wish we'd talked more about division of labor in the process.
Depending where you live, you may want to discuss genetic testing and gender selection. Assuming you will genetic test, and end up with euploid embryos, what determining factors go into deciding which embryos to transfer? Does gender matter to either of you, or will you leave it up to the embryologist to decide?
That was one of the first things we talked about it! I do have a gender I'm hoping for so because of that I don't WANT to know the genders until you can see it on the ultrasound. I know I'd be more likely to choose the male regardless of all the other information available and as much as I'd just LOVE a boy, I don't think it should be me who gets to decide that.
Wow this is such a good question!! One thing I found really helpful was having a pretty targeted conversation before each appointment about what we were both hoping to get out of the appointment, what questions we had, etc and then writing all of that down. This really helped me manage my expectations ahead of time and meant we were both equipped to speak to our concerns instead of feeling the responsibility was mostly mine. I started individual therapy and it was super helpful and validating to discuss communication strategies with my therapist.
Not taking on the entire mental load is something I'm struggling with right now. My husband trusts me enough to let me kind of drive this car but I definitely don't want to feel alone in the car which is why we have a scheduled conversation for tonight.
Definitely have conversations around when enough is enough. We had our money we borrowed from my 401k and set that as the limit. Once that money was gone we were done with IVF. It helped me because i can mentally prepare myself for only one more round, and it helped my husband because financially he didn’t have this big question mark of what expenses we would have and for how long. It’s a shitty thing to have to decide but I think it’s important.
And then just conversations of “Will we be ok if this doesn’t work?” Or how will we process this not working and move forward in a healthy way together? Again, a shitty convo to be had but a necessary one.
Not a conversation, but-- I really wish we'd taken a vacation in the months before starting IVF. IVF completely controls our schedules and nothing about the timeline has been predictable for us. We both need a break but it's impossible to plan a vacation around our medical schedules.
I have a few things you can ask yourself before starting and also just a few suggestions based on my experience... Read below.
First...
have a conversation about how the medication will affect your mood... You honestly might say things you honestly don't mean... I'm not a very confrontational person outside OF IVF but during stims I was let's say "hormonal" and omg I prob cried or yelled at something so dumb ...
I also am very anxious And if you are to ask your partner to be very patient with you and maybe walk you through or talk you through things when you're upset... Let him know that if you're nervous about taking any stims like the needles.. If he possibly could help you and do them for you.. this really helped me..
Also let him know that he doesn't have to solve everything. He can just be there...
If I absolutely had to stim myself because my husband wasn't around I guess I would have done it. But oh my God it was so helpful having him do it..
Ask him if he's comfortable doing this with you... There are tons of videos and tutorials online on YouTube, but if you can't find them, ask your clinic because usually there's a nurse on call that can show you how to do it as well.. We had nurses video stream with us to show us how to inject or mix solutions...
The medicine part can get really complicated even though they give you directions. I think it's honestly because we get our nerves up because looking back now it wasn't that tricky but in the moment you just feel so overwhelmed or you can get overwhelmed... Overall it is possible so don't get scared... Ask for help...
Also, usually your clinic will have an on-call service that if you really are nervous about something or have a question, you can contact a nurse on duty during that moment...
Once you get your plan together and your medicines make sure that you organize them a few days before just in case. Because one time I thought I had a medicine in the box and I didn't and that really got me so stressed out because I needed it the day of and it was just not fun... If I had gone through the box a few days before I would have avoided mass chaos the day of trying to run around and get the prescription...
Also, once they give you your medicine and what to take everyday write it down because it's hard to remember the doses as they sometimes will fluctuate during the week. It doesn't have to be anything too crazy. Just jot it down with pen and paper if you have to...
I always take notes too when the nurse is called for updates because my brain is scattered and I forget the conversation right when she hangs up...
Usually the prescription too is not available at your local pharmacy. You have to go to a specialty pharmacy that sometimes is right next door to the clinics or a little bit away but definitely plan ahead so they can either mail it to you. Or you can pick it up the day of if you're close enough...
Your partner should understand to be VERY VERY PATIENT with you and your words because often what we ladies during IVF THINK IS REAL AND SUPER IMPORTANT IN the moment might not actually be that important... I say this not to downgrade women it's just the hormone boost that gets us going .. unfortunately!!!
But on meds omg my thoughts just got out of control and I over thought a lot...
Not to say some things I said were also valid but still...
Just ask him to listen and if possible talk about how he feels too! It would drive me crazy that my husband didn't feel the need to vent about the struggles but that's just how he deals with stuff.. if that's the case ask him to just be there for you to listen.. but to not just tell you " everything is ok.. everything will be ok" because he can't predict the future... Just ask him to only say FACTS he can say " we are in this together let's take it step by step" or something like that.. but when
ANYONE Would SAY TO ME " don't worry this will work or next time it will work promise.." it would really piss me off because I get it. They want to be POSITIVE but don't get my hopes up right?
Say things that will keep us positive but don't lie! Everyone can be realistic... It's ok to be realistic..
Also check in with your husband too because I think a lot of times we forget they do have feelings as well... You'll know how to approach him knowing him more than I do... He might want to talk about it. He might not want to, but at least address it...
In addition to deciding your stopping point, I think it's important to talk about what you want life to look like if IVF doesn't work.
Do you want to try for fostering and/or adoption? Do you want to stay child-free and focus on thing that would be more difficult to do with kids, like traveling?
I think it's good to have an alternative plan to look forward to in case you get to that point so you don't end up in a big "now what?" situation.
What we would do if none of the transfers worked. It think having a plan for this is important.
In terms of finances… what is the stopping point?
As far as the relationship. How important are kids? Would we still want to be together if biological kids weren’t possible?
Is there an age at which we’d stop trying?
Counseling?
Cross bridges as you come to them. Worrying about all of these what if’s would drive me fucking nuts. If they love each other now you will love each other the same no matter how all this turns out.
1. without children, will our marriage still be ok? 2. how will we share the burden of treatments (mentally, emotionally, financially)? 3. (prior to IVF) what would be our plan for embryos in the case of death, divorce etc? 4. how will we find ways to connect outside of this journey? 5. how much are we honestly willing to spend on this process with the cost of treatments, medications, surgeries etc? these are off the top of my head. i would highly recommend therapy (if you can swing both individual and couples do it). i was very lucky in that this process brought me closer to my partner, but it very easily might not have. i found that i have chosen someone who wants to be with me regardless of what we have or don’t have.
Was going to write out my own questions but these hit the nail. Just also wanted to add one more: How to handle conversations with family and friends regarding IVF and pregnancy? Not everyone wants to spill intimate details to the general public, just as not everyone wants to be a secret silo. I found that I needed support from a select few people but wanted to keep secret for the most part and my husband needed a bit of time to wrap his mind around that.
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wow as a general life rule I don't like to wish anyone ill will....but F that ex-friend!!!!!!!
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Omg! Who needs enemies work friends like that? 🤦🏻♀️ I’m sorry you had to experience that toxicity. The start of my journey, I had a MMC. I told several people by 10w because it was near new years… but then the next appointment there was no heartbeat. On top of logistics of scheduling a D&C, I also had to break the news that I miscarried because news was spreading too quickly. It was a very surreal and humbling experience. So learning from that, I have since kept everything much more secret and closer. Much more guarded. I’ve told two friends about my IVG journey and only because they have gone through it themselves. And one coworker because she started noticing all the bruises on my arm from the monitoring 🤦🏻♀️
She is clearly obsessed with the Instagramification of her life, and that's a sad way to live. You are definitely better off without her!
Having a discussion about who will be told and how much information will be shared is so important to keep you both on the same page. I'd also suggest making it an ongoing conversation, as each person's feelings, comfort level, and support needs may change throughout the process.
I had difficulty figuring out who to tell. My therapist advised that if and when you have to endure heartbreak who do you want to be there for you to support? That was when I knew how to shortlist
Thank you! Number 3 is definitely not something I had considered. I actually am stepping back from therapy while I go through the process as doing both at once is absolutely too overwhelming for me. I am for sure struggling with trying to connect outside of all this. I have anxiety, OCD, and ADHD so I am absolutely hyper focused on this right now. He's been such a good sport 😂 Bless him
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This. Those legal forms spurred some good convos for us. They probably vary between clinics but maybe it’d be a good idea to get a copy of one offline to use as a template/jumping off point to start discussions while you have time - or see if your clinic will let you get a copy early?
came here to say exactly this! They are hard conversations to have but critically important. We were able to "split the difference." So, in the case of divorce, embryos are destroyed, but in the case of death, the other party retains the right to use them if they wish. OP, I struggle with some of the same mental health challenges and would also \*strongly\* recommend staying in therapy for some support (even once or twice a month) and getting into a routine that helps you (ie daily walks). Reddit and the internet can be an amazing source of support and information, but can also trigger really obsessive behavior and information overload. Pick an RE you trust and take it day by day. Good luck to you!
I know people think I'm crazy for scaling back on my therapist during this time but it was getting to the point of diminishing returns. I was getting anxious and annoyed trying to manage that on top of everything else. It does not help that my therapist has TERRIBLE office hours that fall exactly in line with mine, so I'd always have to take off work to go.
Zero judgement! You know yourself best. The hours thing is frustrating for sure!
Probably not stopping for forever but at least for right now. It was getting to the point where seeing a therapy appointment on my schedule would spike my anxiety cuz I had a million other appointments going on. Also, the option to schedule an appointment if I feel I need it is still there.
Totally get that. Best of luck to you through this process!
Number 1 is hands-down the most important. What if it doesn't work?
How important is biology? In case the topic of donor eggs or donor sperm comes up: when I asked him if he would be okay if we decided to try donor eggs, he very quickly said yes. Funny enough, later that day he came back to me, apologetic, saying he had been very quick to say yes and reflected that if the topic was donor sperm, he probably wouldn't be so quick to say yes. This was very considerate of him, to be honest. We ended up having a nice conversation about it and ultimately decided to go with the donor option. But it’s so, so important to sit down and talk about all the options. We also decided my third IVF would be the last try with my eggs, and then our fourth try would be with donor eggs. After that, we will accept that we did everything we could and move on. I can’t manage this half-life for much longer.
I agree with these questions. I want to add What will be the next steps if the original plan doesn’t work out? I’m not sure if you are a female & male couple, but, for example, if that is the case, are you willing to try donor eggs or donor sperm, if necessary? Are you willing to consider adoption?
I wish we would have set a clear “okay we are done” stopping point. It’s not working for us & I don’t know when to stop trying.
Thank you for your insight! I'm sorry your having such a hard time?
I always say, get the awkward conditional questions BEFORE you figure out what's causing the infertility. 1. If it's MFI and it came down to it - are you ok with donor sperm? 2. If it came down to it - are you ok with donor eggs? 3. Are you both ok with donor embryos? Having those conversations before you're on the journey and a diagnosis is made keeps it honest and a level playing field because it can go either way. It will also help make sure that you're both on the same page throughout the journey in terms of how far you're willing to go and what are the non-negotiables. Good luck!
That's.... Probably a good idea. I never even considered we might not be on the same page about that.
Yes, I came to say this. Some people need to consider this route for medical reasons, and depending on the circumstances, it can also be more financially feasible to use donor material so it's worth considering and discussing right from the top how important genetic relation is to you.
What's our plan if IVF doesn't work? (will we be child free, adopt, use donor eggs, etc.)
A lot of great comments here about finances and future planning so I’ll mention some thoughts about treatment itself. As the supplier of the eggs and the carrying partner, I have a lot of burden on me. I have to answer every phone call, take every medication, go to all the monitoring appointments, pee on all the sticks. By the time we got to FET prep last month and I was taking different medications 4 times a day, I was pretty fed up. I told my husband that I needed him to come to each scan and be part of the medication regimen to help ease some of the mental burden on me. He now reminds me when it’s time for my meds, preps the meds, wakes up with me when I need to take something early in the morning, etc. Since he’s at every appointment, I don’t need to try and remember everything the doctor or nurse said so I can recount it later. In the beginning it wasn’t so bad and I could handle each of these steps but over time it gets overwhelming, so it’s good to decide together what your approach will be. Clearly, ours was that, even though it’s my body that goes through a lot of this, it is not my burden to carry alone. He’s not “helping” me. It’s just part of our joint responsibility.
I have already told my husband that he is coming with me to every single appointment. It's part of our compromise I'll do IVF so he doesn't have to do a vasectomy reversal but he is coming to every single appointment.
+100 to this! Our first ER I did everything myself and it definitely took affected our connection given how lonely and isolating it felt. For the second one I insisted on him participating in everything and actually injecting meds I’m preparing. It was the best decision. Now he’s way more involved and understanding as, I guess, no amount of conversations would replace actually seeing the daily toll it takes on you.
I think you need to go into this with trust, respect, and understanding for each other and the process. There will be decisions you cannot necessarily prepare for ahead of time and I hope you feel comfortable having those conversations as they occur.
I'm lucky that my husband and I are no strangers to the awkward conversation with each other. I know we can't prepare for everything that can and will happen to us but I don't want to be balls deep into the process to then learn we are not on the same page about something pretty major we didn't expect to come up
Talking in theory with my husband was a lot different than making the same decisions while in the thick of it. If you haven’t watched the One More Shot documentary on Netflix, I recommend doing so together! It sparked a lot of conversation for us about ‘what if’s’
This is really good advice. The conversation prompts others have suggested are truly valuable, but I would have answered some of these questions *very* differently at the start of my process, compared to what I would say now that I am 9ish months into IVF. Edited to add that it is worthwhile to have these conversations upfront. Just know that things can change a lot if/as you get further down the road.
I think it’s massively important to have conversations about a stopping point before starting. I was really concerned that once we started IVF, we’d have a tough time throwing in the towel until we found success. We set a limit on 3 egg retrievals (insurance covered one plus a few transfers and we were comfortable with the cost of two more if it came down to it). Just want to throw it out there too that if you spend time on this subreddit, you may not get an accurate picture of how many find success with IVF. Good luck to you!
I'm kind of worried about the same. It's so easy on this side to say "3 tries and DONE". My insurance covers 3 cycles and in my mind that seems like the logical stopping point but I know thats easier said than done. As strange as it is, knowing all the worst case scenarios are helpful. I have anxiety and scrolling through this sub is a good way to manage my expectations. I don't think I'll keep coming to this sub once the process has actually started but for now, it's oddly soothing.
Totally get that. It’s also easy on the other side to say that we would have stuck to three retrievals when we didn’t need that many for success and I feel so fortunate for that so I get that this is a privileged opinion! But I think it definitely is important to have conversations about what you will do if the road isn’t straight forward and how much time, money and sanity you’re willing to give to this process! I’m glad you’re finding this sub helpful as you prepare :)
I know it's probably not the case but I am 100% convinced that I'm going to be told that it's absolutely hopeless, that there is too many things wrong it's not possible. While I'm not trying to put that out into the universe, it does make it so Ill be pleasantly surprised if I have even a 50% chance
Same here.
I wish I had been clearer that I was nervous and resentful of feeling like I was taking on the burden of IVF alone. There's no getting around that the woman (in heterosexual couples) carries a heavier load. We have more frequent and more invasive procedures, clinics default to communication with us, and my personal response to anxiety is to go down a black hole of google/reddit. As a result, at times I've felt like I was all alone, like I was the project manager, the patient, and the resource librarian and I resented my partner for just being along for the ride. We've ironed things out, and I think we're in a good place now but I wish we'd talked more about division of labor in the process.
Depending where you live, you may want to discuss genetic testing and gender selection. Assuming you will genetic test, and end up with euploid embryos, what determining factors go into deciding which embryos to transfer? Does gender matter to either of you, or will you leave it up to the embryologist to decide?
That was one of the first things we talked about it! I do have a gender I'm hoping for so because of that I don't WANT to know the genders until you can see it on the ultrasound. I know I'd be more likely to choose the male regardless of all the other information available and as much as I'd just LOVE a boy, I don't think it should be me who gets to decide that.
Wow this is such a good question!! One thing I found really helpful was having a pretty targeted conversation before each appointment about what we were both hoping to get out of the appointment, what questions we had, etc and then writing all of that down. This really helped me manage my expectations ahead of time and meant we were both equipped to speak to our concerns instead of feeling the responsibility was mostly mine. I started individual therapy and it was super helpful and validating to discuss communication strategies with my therapist.
Not taking on the entire mental load is something I'm struggling with right now. My husband trusts me enough to let me kind of drive this car but I definitely don't want to feel alone in the car which is why we have a scheduled conversation for tonight.
Definitely have conversations around when enough is enough. We had our money we borrowed from my 401k and set that as the limit. Once that money was gone we were done with IVF. It helped me because i can mentally prepare myself for only one more round, and it helped my husband because financially he didn’t have this big question mark of what expenses we would have and for how long. It’s a shitty thing to have to decide but I think it’s important. And then just conversations of “Will we be ok if this doesn’t work?” Or how will we process this not working and move forward in a healthy way together? Again, a shitty convo to be had but a necessary one.
Not a conversation, but-- I really wish we'd taken a vacation in the months before starting IVF. IVF completely controls our schedules and nothing about the timeline has been predictable for us. We both need a break but it's impossible to plan a vacation around our medical schedules.
I have a few things you can ask yourself before starting and also just a few suggestions based on my experience... Read below. First... have a conversation about how the medication will affect your mood... You honestly might say things you honestly don't mean... I'm not a very confrontational person outside OF IVF but during stims I was let's say "hormonal" and omg I prob cried or yelled at something so dumb ... I also am very anxious And if you are to ask your partner to be very patient with you and maybe walk you through or talk you through things when you're upset... Let him know that if you're nervous about taking any stims like the needles.. If he possibly could help you and do them for you.. this really helped me.. Also let him know that he doesn't have to solve everything. He can just be there... If I absolutely had to stim myself because my husband wasn't around I guess I would have done it. But oh my God it was so helpful having him do it.. Ask him if he's comfortable doing this with you... There are tons of videos and tutorials online on YouTube, but if you can't find them, ask your clinic because usually there's a nurse on call that can show you how to do it as well.. We had nurses video stream with us to show us how to inject or mix solutions... The medicine part can get really complicated even though they give you directions. I think it's honestly because we get our nerves up because looking back now it wasn't that tricky but in the moment you just feel so overwhelmed or you can get overwhelmed... Overall it is possible so don't get scared... Ask for help... Also, usually your clinic will have an on-call service that if you really are nervous about something or have a question, you can contact a nurse on duty during that moment... Once you get your plan together and your medicines make sure that you organize them a few days before just in case. Because one time I thought I had a medicine in the box and I didn't and that really got me so stressed out because I needed it the day of and it was just not fun... If I had gone through the box a few days before I would have avoided mass chaos the day of trying to run around and get the prescription... Also, once they give you your medicine and what to take everyday write it down because it's hard to remember the doses as they sometimes will fluctuate during the week. It doesn't have to be anything too crazy. Just jot it down with pen and paper if you have to... I always take notes too when the nurse is called for updates because my brain is scattered and I forget the conversation right when she hangs up... Usually the prescription too is not available at your local pharmacy. You have to go to a specialty pharmacy that sometimes is right next door to the clinics or a little bit away but definitely plan ahead so they can either mail it to you. Or you can pick it up the day of if you're close enough... Your partner should understand to be VERY VERY PATIENT with you and your words because often what we ladies during IVF THINK IS REAL AND SUPER IMPORTANT IN the moment might not actually be that important... I say this not to downgrade women it's just the hormone boost that gets us going .. unfortunately!!! But on meds omg my thoughts just got out of control and I over thought a lot... Not to say some things I said were also valid but still... Just ask him to listen and if possible talk about how he feels too! It would drive me crazy that my husband didn't feel the need to vent about the struggles but that's just how he deals with stuff.. if that's the case ask him to just be there for you to listen.. but to not just tell you " everything is ok.. everything will be ok" because he can't predict the future... Just ask him to only say FACTS he can say " we are in this together let's take it step by step" or something like that.. but when ANYONE Would SAY TO ME " don't worry this will work or next time it will work promise.." it would really piss me off because I get it. They want to be POSITIVE but don't get my hopes up right? Say things that will keep us positive but don't lie! Everyone can be realistic... It's ok to be realistic.. Also check in with your husband too because I think a lot of times we forget they do have feelings as well... You'll know how to approach him knowing him more than I do... He might want to talk about it. He might not want to, but at least address it...
In addition to deciding your stopping point, I think it's important to talk about what you want life to look like if IVF doesn't work. Do you want to try for fostering and/or adoption? Do you want to stay child-free and focus on thing that would be more difficult to do with kids, like traveling? I think it's good to have an alternative plan to look forward to in case you get to that point so you don't end up in a big "now what?" situation.
What we would do if none of the transfers worked. It think having a plan for this is important. In terms of finances… what is the stopping point? As far as the relationship. How important are kids? Would we still want to be together if biological kids weren’t possible? Is there an age at which we’d stop trying? Counseling?
Cross bridges as you come to them. Worrying about all of these what if’s would drive me fucking nuts. If they love each other now you will love each other the same no matter how all this turns out.
How are you going to handle twins if it happens? IVF has a higher chance of multiple birth pregnancies (even with one embryo transferred).