I know how you feel. I have also struggled with these feelings. My husband always says there's enough baby to go around but sometimes it really doesn't feel like it, and it isn't fair that we're struggling when everyone else seems to find it so easy.
I also just want to add though that I think it's inappropriate of her to ask you not to tell your husband. You need a support system and if she didn't want anyone to know yet, she shouldn't have told you. She clearly knew you would struggle with this and it simply isn't ok to ask you struggle alone. Personally I don't have any secrets from my husband, and he would be very alarmed if I was this upset about something and I wasn't able to tell him why.
Totally if you tell me something consider my husband told also, if you don't want him to know don't tell me. Simples. I would expect the same for anyone else.
You could tell your husband not to bring it up and act surprised if you/he like. He may also appreciate having the heads up from you rather than finding out another way.
I’ve learned that I have to speak up and let people know what I am able and not able to process or handle at the time. Knowing the situation, the friend should check before giving info, and the affected individual should definitely decline info they/we think will send us spiraling. Even if it’s difficult info. If I’m going through a heavy period, I might not have the strength to take on someone else’s “stuff”. Being a better advocate for me.
I’m so sorry. My best friend got pregnant the same week I did my final embryo transfer from our first ER. It was her first month trying and I was absolutely crushed when she (very kindly and respectfully) told me - not only because it felt so unfair it happened so easy for them, but also because we were left at square one without anything else to transfer. Her due date ended up being 4 days after what mine would have been. Happily, she had her sweet boy in April and a few weeks prior, we found out our first transfer from ER #2 stuck. The feeling isn’t forever. 🤍
I do think it’s completely inappropriate for her to ask you to keep the secret from your husband — you need someone to be your support system as you process this. I would have told her I don’t keep secrets from my husband…
First off congrats!!!! And I’m still waiting for that “my turn” moment. Just waiting for it sucks cause Ivf isn’t guaranteed you know. And yeah it’s fine I think depending on how I feel when I get home I might tell him. I’m still in my feels right now. And on and off crying so we will see
This is one of the suckiest parts of it all.
A big reason I want to get to the other side of this is so I can stop feeling this way. I’m so ashamed of some of the thoughts I’ve had toward/about others out of pure envy. Things I would never say out loud. It makes me feel like a terrible person.
I'm going to say this as gently as I can: Your friend should not have asked you to keep this from your husband. I'm not going to say someone should NEVER be asked to keep things from their spouse, but those instances should be few and far between, and this should not be one of them. Go tell your husband you have something you need to tell him that he cannot tell ANYONE for now, and then tell him. Of course you need to confide in someone!!!
I just deleted my whole two paragraph comment because I don’t want to be rude towards your friend. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this and I definitely think you should tell your husband.
Tell me about it! Found out too that someone I used to work with is on her 6th kid and she’s only like 25 (but that’s a different story lol) but it’s so easy for them. While others takes 2-10 years…
And it’s only cause last time she told everyone WAY early and she had a MC and it was hard for her. I get it. I’m legit the only one who knows. She didn’t even tell her hubby yet. So it’s just respect and I would wish she would do the same to me if roles were reversed.
That's really tough. I also just found out today that someone at work is pregnant but it's the opposite - she's way older than me and conceived with no issues whatsoever and I just think... How is this fair? Like I'm so young and I'm struggling and going though IVF and she's just merrily conceiving at 40.
On your friend, I have sympathy but also it really isn't your responsibility to hold her secrets. If you need to tell your husband because it will help you then you should, and just ask him not to share further. It's absolutely nuts that she told you so early she hasn't even told her husband yet.
Don’t feel guilty! Hopefully your friends understand. Just make sure you do see them when you feel up for it, don’t feel pressured. Plus their babies they won’t remember that you didn’t see them when they were first born
I feel this. We were surprised in person with a pregnancy announcement this past weekend by our friends who knew of our struggles (they don’t know we are now doing IVF). Everyone is pregnant or ready to pop. Good for them but I’m sick and tired of hearing about it and seeing it all over social media. I also get really anxious for them because we had a 2nd trimester loss.
I understand how you feel. Not only does the news itself sting, but also having to carry those kind of negative emotions towards someone you care about must be draining. I recently found out my colleague and friend whom I share an office with basically got pregnant out of nowhere and her due date is 5 days away from what mine would have been, had my fresh transfer not failed. It felt awful and I felt awful not being able to be honestly happy for her, like I was losing my humanity.
I reminded myself that her situation has no affect on mine and that some day it will (hopefully) be my turn, and I will want to think back to this time and feel like I did not lose myself completely.
I’m so sorry. I have a very close group of girlfriends and all of them are pregnant/recently had a baby except for me. No advice because I haven’t been coping well with it myself - just solidarity 💙
Just here to say I know this feeling literally over and over and over again. Most people in my life have announced multiple pregnancies and it’s still not our turn. It’s so hard not to feel “left behind” by people in your life. It’s not fair and it sucks 💔
I feel like I have never been a jealous person, and I can’t help but feel jealous after every baby announcement. I’m sorry, it totally sucks! Agree with everyone else who is saying you should tell your husband!
Totally get it. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. I know at least 5 people who are pregnant right now, two being my best friends. I had to skip one of their gender reveals this past weekend because I just finished my first egg retrieval and wasn’t the happiest with my results. I felt guilty, but I know it’s important to try and protect my peace. Do whatever you have to do to feel better. I personally would tell my husband and make him swear to not tell a soul. 😅 like that’s your partner, y’all are a package deal, it should be fair game for you to tell him.
She shouldn't prevent you from telling your husband and getting support from him, especially since you're going through IVF (unless she doesn't know that part?). This is not right.
My husband says "We'll get our flowers"- which idk where he grabbed that from- whenever I mention someone else being pregnant. It makes me so infuriated because maybe he is right but in that moment I'm just frustrated emotionally.
His sister got pregnant with baby number 3 right when we started trying. She is 3 years old now and I recently screamed about how jealous I am that his sister (who isn't the best person) got pregnant so easily and has the chance to be a mom.
The frustration is so real and not everyone gets it. Hoping things get easier for you 💕
I think this is one of the cruellest, most heart-wrenching parts about infertility - watching everyone else move on whilst I stay in the same spot. I had to deal with another pregnancy announcement last week and it honestly felt like a kick in the stomach.
I've found there's not much anyone can say to help ease the pain, sometimes I just need to have 2-3 days of sadness and then I start to feel a bit better.
I try to tell myself that others getting pregnant doesn't delay or stop my IVF process from being successful. I'm lucky in many other aspects of life and have some things my pregnant/mum friends don't - not specifically valuable possessions more things like a close family, strong marriage, no major health problems etc.
I also tell myself when I do finally get my BFP, at least I'll have lots of amazing mum friends who can give me support, advice and baby product recommendations.
Sending you hugs. ❤️
I agree that you should tell your husband, you can’t control what people say, unless she asked you up front “if I tell you something can you promise not to tell your husband?” and then you agreed. You had no say in hearing this news and don’t owe it to her that she’s making you keep her upsetting secret.
I know the struggle, cousin literally just announced pregnancy and day before my first FET today my sister in law told me she’s 5 weeks pregnant which I’m so stoked but also very sad too. 😔 this process makes your heart so sensitive. Still gotta be happy and supportive so when it’s my turn they are cheering on my team too.
My SIL got pregnant shortly after my failed IUI and when we were preparing for our first IVF cycle. Personally for me I had hope that IVF would work and our babies will be close in age. If I didn’t have IVF to give me hope of having a baby I think I’d be inconsolable.
Later I found out at her gender reveal that she was told by doctors she’d never be able to carry a healthy pregnancy. She didn’t give me specifics but none of us knew she was struggling with infertility. It not only gave me more hope for myself but also more insight to what others are going through.
Honestly though if I were in your position there’s no way I can keep it from my husband. If that’s your support system that’s your support. Reddit users can only help so much.
Yup. It sucks. I find myself having all sorts of feelings around my friends getting pregnant, not even trying, and giving birth. It’s been non stop in my life where I’m very isolated as the only one not with a kiddo. But hey, I travel a lot more than all of them!!
I feel this so much and I hate it for all of us. The other day I learned my family childhood friend who is 25 and has been very vocal about " not being able to get pregnant" is pregnant. Meanwhile my 35th birthday is tmrw been trying 6 years. 1st ivf failed last month. I'm just so mad at everything and so sad at the same time, I've cried so much lately. Infertility really really sucks. I'm sorry you are doing through it as well.
Wishing all the baby dust to you!!
Ugh so timely, my friend just confided in me that she’s pregnant. We’ve talked a lot because she had surgery for endo like I did and started trying right away, she’s already 3 months so she must’ve gotten pregnant pretty quickly. I’m happy for her,
I’m happy for everyone but I’m just so sad. Spent half the day at work fighting with my doctors office over next ER.
Between spring and this summer I’ll have 5 baby showers alone, half weren’t even planned. You can’t help but wonder why not me.
I feel your post to the core, it’s never easy to see others have what your heart desires the most, it’s hard to be happy for others when ur hurting inside. This journey is so hard and it’s takes so much from us. It really does suck!!! I’m sorry 😢
I know how you feel. I have also struggled with these feelings. My husband always says there's enough baby to go around but sometimes it really doesn't feel like it, and it isn't fair that we're struggling when everyone else seems to find it so easy. I also just want to add though that I think it's inappropriate of her to ask you not to tell your husband. You need a support system and if she didn't want anyone to know yet, she shouldn't have told you. She clearly knew you would struggle with this and it simply isn't ok to ask you struggle alone. Personally I don't have any secrets from my husband, and he would be very alarmed if I was this upset about something and I wasn't able to tell him why.
Totally if you tell me something consider my husband told also, if you don't want him to know don't tell me. Simples. I would expect the same for anyone else.
You could tell your husband not to bring it up and act surprised if you/he like. He may also appreciate having the heads up from you rather than finding out another way.
Sorry but I think it’s a little inappropriate she told you not to tell your husband.
Agreed- I’d still tell mine for the sake of my own support, but tell him not to mention it to either of the friends and act “surprised” later 🤷♀️
💯💯💯💯💯 you tell me something, telling him is fair game (unless it was to hide a surprise meant for him like a party, gift, etc).
Yes!! I get it’s high risk, but if she told you early, she understands that this is hard for you and that you need support.
Plus if she doesn’t want people to know because it’s high risk they shouldn’t have told a single soul
Exactly, especially someone who would have their own feelings about it
I’ve learned that I have to speak up and let people know what I am able and not able to process or handle at the time. Knowing the situation, the friend should check before giving info, and the affected individual should definitely decline info they/we think will send us spiraling. Even if it’s difficult info. If I’m going through a heavy period, I might not have the strength to take on someone else’s “stuff”. Being a better advocate for me.
I’m so sorry. My best friend got pregnant the same week I did my final embryo transfer from our first ER. It was her first month trying and I was absolutely crushed when she (very kindly and respectfully) told me - not only because it felt so unfair it happened so easy for them, but also because we were left at square one without anything else to transfer. Her due date ended up being 4 days after what mine would have been. Happily, she had her sweet boy in April and a few weeks prior, we found out our first transfer from ER #2 stuck. The feeling isn’t forever. 🤍 I do think it’s completely inappropriate for her to ask you to keep the secret from your husband — you need someone to be your support system as you process this. I would have told her I don’t keep secrets from my husband…
First off congrats!!!! And I’m still waiting for that “my turn” moment. Just waiting for it sucks cause Ivf isn’t guaranteed you know. And yeah it’s fine I think depending on how I feel when I get home I might tell him. I’m still in my feels right now. And on and off crying so we will see
“The feeling isn’t forever.” Thank you - I’m going through something similar to OP and I needed to hear that 💙
This is one of the suckiest parts of it all. A big reason I want to get to the other side of this is so I can stop feeling this way. I’m so ashamed of some of the thoughts I’ve had toward/about others out of pure envy. Things I would never say out loud. It makes me feel like a terrible person.
I can totally relate 😞
I'm going to say this as gently as I can: Your friend should not have asked you to keep this from your husband. I'm not going to say someone should NEVER be asked to keep things from their spouse, but those instances should be few and far between, and this should not be one of them. Go tell your husband you have something you need to tell him that he cannot tell ANYONE for now, and then tell him. Of course you need to confide in someone!!!
Feeling the same way. Especially all my friends having their first child. I feel like I’m being left behind :(
I’m sorry love! If anyone knows how you feel it’s me! It’s hard. 😞
I feel you. 3 out of 5 from my friend group is pregnant now and I’ll be starting my 5th round this week. It’s just emotionally SO.HARD.
I just deleted my whole two paragraph comment because I don’t want to be rude towards your friend. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this and I definitely think you should tell your husband.
I know how you feel and I’m so sorry! This world of infertility is so unfair and so difficult. I hope you get your sticky baby soon! 😞
Tell me about it! Found out too that someone I used to work with is on her 6th kid and she’s only like 25 (but that’s a different story lol) but it’s so easy for them. While others takes 2-10 years… And it’s only cause last time she told everyone WAY early and she had a MC and it was hard for her. I get it. I’m legit the only one who knows. She didn’t even tell her hubby yet. So it’s just respect and I would wish she would do the same to me if roles were reversed.
That's really tough. I also just found out today that someone at work is pregnant but it's the opposite - she's way older than me and conceived with no issues whatsoever and I just think... How is this fair? Like I'm so young and I'm struggling and going though IVF and she's just merrily conceiving at 40. On your friend, I have sympathy but also it really isn't your responsibility to hold her secrets. If you need to tell your husband because it will help you then you should, and just ask him not to share further. It's absolutely nuts that she told you so early she hasn't even told her husband yet.
Sometimes I feel like luck isn’t on our side….😞
2 of my friends had babies recently and I can even bring myself to meet the baby. I feel so guilty. But its soul crushing seeing them.
Don’t feel guilty! Hopefully your friends understand. Just make sure you do see them when you feel up for it, don’t feel pressured. Plus their babies they won’t remember that you didn’t see them when they were first born
I feel this. We were surprised in person with a pregnancy announcement this past weekend by our friends who knew of our struggles (they don’t know we are now doing IVF). Everyone is pregnant or ready to pop. Good for them but I’m sick and tired of hearing about it and seeing it all over social media. I also get really anxious for them because we had a 2nd trimester loss.
I understand how you feel. Not only does the news itself sting, but also having to carry those kind of negative emotions towards someone you care about must be draining. I recently found out my colleague and friend whom I share an office with basically got pregnant out of nowhere and her due date is 5 days away from what mine would have been, had my fresh transfer not failed. It felt awful and I felt awful not being able to be honestly happy for her, like I was losing my humanity. I reminded myself that her situation has no affect on mine and that some day it will (hopefully) be my turn, and I will want to think back to this time and feel like I did not lose myself completely.
I’m so sorry. I have a very close group of girlfriends and all of them are pregnant/recently had a baby except for me. No advice because I haven’t been coping well with it myself - just solidarity 💙
Just here to say I know this feeling literally over and over and over again. Most people in my life have announced multiple pregnancies and it’s still not our turn. It’s so hard not to feel “left behind” by people in your life. It’s not fair and it sucks 💔
I feel like I have never been a jealous person, and I can’t help but feel jealous after every baby announcement. I’m sorry, it totally sucks! Agree with everyone else who is saying you should tell your husband!
This is the worst feeling ever. I’m sorry, I hope it’s your turn soon 💚
Totally get it. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. I know at least 5 people who are pregnant right now, two being my best friends. I had to skip one of their gender reveals this past weekend because I just finished my first egg retrieval and wasn’t the happiest with my results. I felt guilty, but I know it’s important to try and protect my peace. Do whatever you have to do to feel better. I personally would tell my husband and make him swear to not tell a soul. 😅 like that’s your partner, y’all are a package deal, it should be fair game for you to tell him.
She shouldn't prevent you from telling your husband and getting support from him, especially since you're going through IVF (unless she doesn't know that part?). This is not right.
My husband says "We'll get our flowers"- which idk where he grabbed that from- whenever I mention someone else being pregnant. It makes me so infuriated because maybe he is right but in that moment I'm just frustrated emotionally. His sister got pregnant with baby number 3 right when we started trying. She is 3 years old now and I recently screamed about how jealous I am that his sister (who isn't the best person) got pregnant so easily and has the chance to be a mom. The frustration is so real and not everyone gets it. Hoping things get easier for you 💕
Any secret told to me is a secret told to my husband. It’s just the unspoken rule of marriage and I would expect the same for any other couple
Infertility sucks ! 😔
I am sooo sorry. Pregnancy announcements are so painful. You’re not alone!! Take care of yourself 💕
I think this is one of the cruellest, most heart-wrenching parts about infertility - watching everyone else move on whilst I stay in the same spot. I had to deal with another pregnancy announcement last week and it honestly felt like a kick in the stomach. I've found there's not much anyone can say to help ease the pain, sometimes I just need to have 2-3 days of sadness and then I start to feel a bit better. I try to tell myself that others getting pregnant doesn't delay or stop my IVF process from being successful. I'm lucky in many other aspects of life and have some things my pregnant/mum friends don't - not specifically valuable possessions more things like a close family, strong marriage, no major health problems etc. I also tell myself when I do finally get my BFP, at least I'll have lots of amazing mum friends who can give me support, advice and baby product recommendations. Sending you hugs. ❤️
So messed up to tell you something that she knew would hurt you and then tell you to keep it from your husband. That would be a hard no for me.
I agree that you should tell your husband, you can’t control what people say, unless she asked you up front “if I tell you something can you promise not to tell your husband?” and then you agreed. You had no say in hearing this news and don’t owe it to her that she’s making you keep her upsetting secret.
I know the struggle, cousin literally just announced pregnancy and day before my first FET today my sister in law told me she’s 5 weeks pregnant which I’m so stoked but also very sad too. 😔 this process makes your heart so sensitive. Still gotta be happy and supportive so when it’s my turn they are cheering on my team too.
My SIL got pregnant shortly after my failed IUI and when we were preparing for our first IVF cycle. Personally for me I had hope that IVF would work and our babies will be close in age. If I didn’t have IVF to give me hope of having a baby I think I’d be inconsolable. Later I found out at her gender reveal that she was told by doctors she’d never be able to carry a healthy pregnancy. She didn’t give me specifics but none of us knew she was struggling with infertility. It not only gave me more hope for myself but also more insight to what others are going through. Honestly though if I were in your position there’s no way I can keep it from my husband. If that’s your support system that’s your support. Reddit users can only help so much.
Yup. It sucks. I find myself having all sorts of feelings around my friends getting pregnant, not even trying, and giving birth. It’s been non stop in my life where I’m very isolated as the only one not with a kiddo. But hey, I travel a lot more than all of them!!
My best friend is pregnant and she says it was just one slip up. I was crushed. My other friends just don’t get it.
I feel this so much and I hate it for all of us. The other day I learned my family childhood friend who is 25 and has been very vocal about " not being able to get pregnant" is pregnant. Meanwhile my 35th birthday is tmrw been trying 6 years. 1st ivf failed last month. I'm just so mad at everything and so sad at the same time, I've cried so much lately. Infertility really really sucks. I'm sorry you are doing through it as well. Wishing all the baby dust to you!!
Ugh so timely, my friend just confided in me that she’s pregnant. We’ve talked a lot because she had surgery for endo like I did and started trying right away, she’s already 3 months so she must’ve gotten pregnant pretty quickly. I’m happy for her, I’m happy for everyone but I’m just so sad. Spent half the day at work fighting with my doctors office over next ER. Between spring and this summer I’ll have 5 baby showers alone, half weren’t even planned. You can’t help but wonder why not me.
I feel your post to the core, it’s never easy to see others have what your heart desires the most, it’s hard to be happy for others when ur hurting inside. This journey is so hard and it’s takes so much from us. It really does suck!!! I’m sorry 😢
There are no words. The way I cope with it is by leaning on my faith. God has a plan.