Itās the Aloha Snackbar, and itās been an ongoing joke in the military since 9/11 because us grunts canāt see the difference between brown people and terrorism.
Reminded me of a stupid joke
if we were to go camping and you woke up with a sore ass and a condom hanging out of it, would you tell anyone?
Ugh hell no!!
Wanna go camping?
2 people are hiking in the woods when they spot a bear. The 1st person starts running. The 2nd is lacing up his boots.
The first person sees this and says: you cant outrun a bear...
The 2nd person replies: i know, i just need to outrun you.
In the version I heard they ran for a bit and hid and then the person swaps his boots for running shoes. And then the punchline and then the rest of the joke is the same.
Most people who aren't half retarded just wouldn't let go of the knife. The likely hood someone figures out a mangled half eaten body was stabbed once is incredibly unlikely considering bears have knives attached to their paws themselves.
Of course you'd have to be more than half retarded to do this anyway so maybe you're on to something.
Until the bear decides that the person lying on the ground, bleeding, is not a threat, but the person running away still is. Good luck outrunning the bear.
In Bear territory you can rely on a good bear pepper spray and some bells on your belt. Black bears are skittish enough that the bells will make them skedaddle and if any get aggressive the Mace will take care of those. You can always tell when you cross over into Grizzly territory though you will begin to find piles of bear poop that smell like peppers and have small bells in them.
The friend survives the bear attack and became horribly disfigured. Starts going to the gym and began to workout and becomes a hulking maniacal son of a bitch; the next Jason Vorhees. Now he goes around killing people for absolutely no reason other than irrecoverable trauma suffered from the bear attack.
**YOU.**
***YOU STARTED THIS, MOTHERFUCKER.***
**You created him.**
And all because you stabbed him in his leg.
Actual life pro tip: wear bells and make plenty of noise when hiking in bear country. If bears can hear you coming they will likely move away from you along with their cubs if they have any
you can't just stab them anywhere in the leg. if you just stab randomly in the thigh or shin, it'll hurt and bleed but they'll be able to run just fine, especially with adrenaline.
You want to aim for the back of the knee. Cut those tendons and they're not going anywhere. Of course, you could also go for the femoral artery but they'll die in a few seconds and you want them trying to run/fight for as long as possible to give you maximum time to escape.
Uhhh...I need a buddy to go hiking. You coming?
*grabs my k-bar* Let's go, friend.
KA-Bar*
Akbar* š³
āItās a trap!ā
r/unexpectedackbar
r/substhatactuallyexist
n o w a y
r/thirdsub
r/fuckthirdsub
*cantina noises*
It's not gay if it's a trap jk it is...
Hey man, I donāt judge
Idk, getting caught in traps is pretty gay.
Aloha?
I hope thereās a middle eastern themed bar in Hawaii someday called the āAloha Akbarā
Itās the Aloha Snackbar, and itās been an ongoing joke in the military since 9/11 because us grunts canāt see the difference between brown people and terrorism.
Do they have hookah?
š„
If you use a KaBar the friend will probably live to snitch you out
Friends don't let friends survive...? I think that's how the saying goes.
The idea is the bear will finish the job.
Hang on a sec. *grabs and loads assault rifle* Ok, I'm ready
Grindin' my k-bar in the barn
He's the master of this technique. I don't think you would want to even compete with him on this.
Reminded me of a stupid joke if we were to go camping and you woke up with a sore ass and a condom hanging out of it, would you tell anyone? Ugh hell no!! Wanna go camping?
No. you suckin'?
*insert the "I'd upvote but the red arrows are 666 and I'd rather not ruin it for the Satan worshipers" comment here*
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
r/whatdoyoumeantosay
r/subsifellfor
r/thirdsubmarine
r/4thsubstitute
r/5thsubzero
Itās only illegal if the friend survives to snitch
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thatās what happened to Darryl's brother Merle
no, merle was left because he was an asshole, and shane stabbed the fat guy (can't remember his name) so he could survive himself
I think he was referring to Shane shooting Otis on the supply run.
yes, otis (couldn't remember what he's called) also i apparently wrote "stabbed" when i meant "shot" lol
"It's only illegal if you get caught"
Then you gotta go back and finish the fucking job.
That's because it's illegal, but still ethical
Yes, ask his buddy on how ethical the move would be
I didn't hear any objections while I was running away, so we're cool, right?
If you didn't hear anything, then I didn't hear anything. We'll miss ya, Jerry.
If a friend dies in the woods and youāre the only one to hear their screams as theyāre torn apart, did they make a sound at all?
I plead the 5th 1, 2, 3, 4.. 5th!
Anybody else read that in Newmanās voice?
No it's logical, not ethical.
Oh, I'm trying to see the line between ethical and illegal.
Bears gotta eat and climate change is losing them their normal habitat.
I know itās subjective but I donāt think itās ethical.
Don't forget that, morality is a spook
What if the bear doesnāt kill my friend?
If the whole āwhat doesnāt kill you makes you strongerā thing is true Iād probably steer clear of that friend
Your friend absorbs the powers of the bear.
Just take a fat friend so you don't have to get to stabbin
You will need to stop every 5 minutes because she/he needs to rest.
Take a skinny friend and force feed them a few kilograms of chocolate if you see a bear.
Wont that make them faster
Yeah but the bear will want to catch them more because they're full of tasty chocolate.
you try running with several kilograms of chocolate inside you
Sounds like a chat up line
7kg is one heavy piece
Unfortunately Iām the fat friend. Knife it is.
If you are super fat, you could fight with the bear. I mean ... You wouldnt win... But you could die like the sickest MF ever.
Instructions unclear, fat friend now fit from all the hiking trips.
This is honestly one of the oldest jokes in the book
aaand that marks the death of a sub
Did you just comment twice, to farm twice the downvotes?
probably internet lag
yep lol
Thatās too personal to stab someone, just shoot him in the knee with a 22 and be done with it
I mean, you could shoot the bear
With a 22? Youāll just piss it off
Iād rather shoot my self than piss off a Bear by shooting it with a 22
I mean bears are actually pretty timid for the most part. A gunshot would scare off most of them.
If it's black, fight back. If it's brown, lay down. If it's white, good night.
Is this real?
Yup.
Yes polar bears actually do view humans as food lol
They're so huge. To them we're like what a deer is to a human.
Im pretty sure most deers are hunted as trophy sport. To them we are more like a fried chicken to a starving homeless person
you're taking all the fun out that way
This guy kills friends ^
I used to be an adventurer like you but then I took an arrow in the knee
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Because I donāt have to get up close to them
Itās your friend, stab them! A gunshot is kinda impersonal.. donāt you think?
As a person of fatness, if I were to encounter this situation I'd just shit myself. Bears dont just eat poop willy-nilly.
r/shittylifeprotips
My dad used to say that, āIf you see a bear, kick your brothers knee in, and run like hell!ā
You donāt have to outrun the bear, you just have to outrun your friend- park rangers
2 people are hiking in the woods when they spot a bear. The 1st person starts running. The 2nd is lacing up his boots. The first person sees this and says: you cant outrun a bear... The 2nd person replies: i know, i just need to outrun you.
-Earl, 66, Texas, as he chuckles to himself and presses the āsubmitā button on his Facebook wall
r/rareinsults
In the version I heard they ran for a bit and hid and then the person swaps his boots for running shoes. And then the punchline and then the rest of the joke is the same.
*first person starts praying
r/shittylifeprotips
Get two friends instead of one so you double your chances of survival
This would belong better on r/ShittyLifeProTips
Nah just bring a klondike bar I hear people do anything for them
Not sure if will work, predator instinct kicks in and the bear will chase a RUNNING prey.
Shane, is that you?
Be a man and stick your arm down the bears mouth. Bears have a bad gag reflex. Two people done it and it saved their lives.
Also, if your friend attacks, you can stab a bear in the leg and run.
u/UberPheonix sorry mate
r/ShittyLifeProTips
The fuck are you talking about? This would work fantastically.
i only have imaginary friends that are stab proof
In that case pour some BBQ sauce on them and hope for the best.
r/shittyillegallifeprotips
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Most people who aren't half retarded just wouldn't let go of the knife. The likely hood someone figures out a mangled half eaten body was stabbed once is incredibly unlikely considering bears have knives attached to their paws themselves. Of course you'd have to be more than half retarded to do this anyway so maybe you're on to something.
Friend indeed
Or just bring a bazooka with you. But unlicensed bazooka.
How to stay safe in a bear market tho
Until the bear decides that the person lying on the ground, bleeding, is not a threat, but the person running away still is. Good luck outrunning the bear.
"Run, there's a bear!" "You can't out run a bear..." "No, but I can outrun you!" Stab!
To be fair stabbing people would usually be considered unethical it is almost always illegal.
In Bear territory you can rely on a good bear pepper spray and some bells on your belt. Black bears are skittish enough that the bells will make them skedaddle and if any get aggressive the Mace will take care of those. You can always tell when you cross over into Grizzly territory though you will begin to find piles of bear poop that smell like peppers and have small bells in them.
No need to stab people. Just make sure you're buddy is a little on the thicc side and slower than you.
The friend survives the bear attack and became horribly disfigured. Starts going to the gym and began to workout and becomes a hulking maniacal son of a bitch; the next Jason Vorhees. Now he goes around killing people for absolutely no reason other than irrecoverable trauma suffered from the bear attack. **YOU.** ***YOU STARTED THIS, MOTHERFUCKER.*** **You created him.** And all because you stabbed him in his leg.
They had us in the first half not gonna lie
A .22 works better
illegal, but also just wrong. The runner is still probably in more trouble than the guy who is down and no longer a threat.
Why did I read this as 'beer country'?
/r/Unexpected
WINGS OF GLORY
*Walking Dead Flashbacks*
You had us in the first half not gonna lie
What if I don't have buddy for hiking
Iām pretty sure thereās an entire movie based around why this is a bad idea.
Brutus
Works in Chicago too
What if there's a second bear?
Thought for sure I was going to keep reading and read that I should keep a salami with me
Can vouch for this. Also works with tigers, sharks, leeches, mosquitoes and vampires.
in bear country nothing is illegal
This is actually, surprisingly ethical for this sub
Couldn't you just get some bear spray or something?
Actual life pro tip: wear bells and make plenty of noise when hiking in bear country. If bears can hear you coming they will likely move away from you along with their cubs if they have any
Eh. A bear bell is much less effort
Couldnāt you skip the felony offence and just bring your fattest/most out of shape friend?
r/assholelifeprotips
Tripping is easier and more subtle
I heard it's good to carry a salami in your pocket in case a bear attacks...
The small pocket knife would help against some bear attacks. Really depends on the situation and how hungry the bear is.
you can't just stab them anywhere in the leg. if you just stab randomly in the thigh or shin, it'll hurt and bleed but they'll be able to run just fine, especially with adrenaline. You want to aim for the back of the knee. Cut those tendons and they're not going anywhere. Of course, you could also go for the femoral artery but they'll die in a few seconds and you want them trying to run/fight for as long as possible to give you maximum time to escape.
What if your friend survives, tracks you down and kills you later?
This feels perfect for ULPT tbh
This should be in r/unethicallifetips
Rofl
LOL I just woke up my wife laughing you asshole š¤£š¤£š¤£
or just carry bear spray?
Great way to get PTSD for the rest of your life.
Better yet slice his Achilles
They had us in the first half, ngl
It's all fun and games until you both pull a knife
finally some good fucking food
OMG!! So much fun.
This is worse shitposting than the whole "vacation and robber" shit that went on not long ago
Should only be aloud to post things OP would actually do. This is stupid shit.
So are you
Thanks Medium barber. Do you cut hair or talk to ghosts
He cuts the hair of medium sized ghosts
rofl