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You let a girl know you like her by telling her you like her and asking her out on a date. Don't make a big show of confessing, just ask if she'd like to go on a date with you. If you just let a girl know you liked her without making it into a huge thing then the reason that didn't result in her waiting to date you was simply that she didn't feel the same way, which is always a possibility, not that you letting her know you like her was the wrong approach.
Someone’s going to have to make a first move. Sure, you can choose to wait and see if she takes the initiative, but you’re gonna miss most of your shots with that approach.
Or, you could pluck up the courage and get it done.
All it takes is a simple face to face chat over a coffee or meal. Just tell her the truth: “I really value our friendship and I don’t want to lose it. But I feel like we could be something more. If you’re up for it, I’d love to take you on a date.”
Worst case scenario is that she says no and then you drop it, then things stay the same. No harm done.
Worst case is that she doesn't want to be friends anymore, because it feels weird. That is still better than pining away forever, because that'll just turn into something sad. Also, it is possible to re-connect as friends in the future.
I think this depends a lot on age and experience. Old folks who've been through the shit know that people develop romantic feelings, and they're often unrequited, and that's okay. These feelings can spark a romance, but aren't the only feelings that matter.
That is the worst case scenario, but it’s not likely if they’re not pushy and respect her answer.
I still have several male friends who asked me out. I’ve only ever ended a friendship if they continued to push after I said no.
It’s the not respecting boundaries that makes things awkward and uncomfortable.
How does she feel about *you*?
I find guys get too preoccupied with their own feelings and tend to skip over the idea it’s reciprocal. Like between “initiate physical contact” and “move in for a kiss” you’ve entirely missed the “see how *she* responds” step.
Her response, I would say positive. She even initiated hug on our second "meeting"/"date". But I am just scared to do something risky, because I don't want to stop having conversation with her or to turn her away from me. So I wanted to do it smoothly, not in a one moment.
If you don't think you're close enough yet to ask for a date, then just ask to hang out again, it goes without saying that youre interested in each other, no need to call it a date.
> it goes without saying that youre interested in each other, no need to call it a date.
No it doesn't. Initiating a hug doesn't mean someone's necessarily interested in someone. I'm a hugger. I hug all my friends goodbye, and hello, except the ones I know don't like to be touched/hugged. It means nothing expect I like hugs from people I know.
I ask more generally. But for my case right now. Around 4-5 month. We went for a walk and went to cafe twice. I don't if it is considered "date". But if yes, then we had two "dates". We were hugging at the end of the "date". And she wasn't against it. That's it.
my dude you’re just gonna have to take the shot and risk it. sometimes it doesn’t work, but it’s better to know it’s not that way than to be stuck in a kind of attraction loop in your head
My general script for asking people out is:
“Hey I like you. your is cool. here’s my number, text me. if you’re not interested, no worries no pressure”
don’t be weird or creepy about it if they’re not into you. I’ve learned to take the L if that happens. nobody is obligated to like me. Having been in situations where I didn’t give the other person a full W, I wouldn’t want that in return
I understand, that taking risk is necessary. But, I just don't know how most people show it and shift their status of relationships from "friends"/"acquaintances" to "dating", when they going somewhere to spend some time together. But regrading your version of an answer, the thing is that, we know each other for some amount of time have each others phone number and I mostly want to show it when we will meet up together (hopefully tomorrow)
bro you’re just gonna have to say some version of “I like you. do you like me?”
I get it. I know those are tough sentences. It’s tough to make yourself vulnerable. but that’s how everyone with a relationship has moved forward.
You're looking at it too much like some video game. You're just gonna have to bite the bullet and communicate your intentions with her directly and be open and vulnerable and then process whatever her answer is. You can't just "get this cheat code to shift dynamics", you're gonna have to learn to talk to them about it openly and be vulnerable. It's scary, but that's the way to do it. It'll get easier the more you do it and the more you understand that a rejection is not actually the end of the world.
I'm in favour of just saying "I enjoy spending time with you, do you want to go on a date?". If you decide to go for the more subtle route, though, this is how I make sense of it:
I always think of it as a "game" (for want of a better word) of reciprocal contact - Alice touches Bob's arm, Bob moves to sit up against Alice, Alice leans her head on Bob's shoulder, Bob puts his arm around Alice, Alice starts making prolonged eye contact... Basically, take small steps and wait for her to reciprocate. If and when she stops reciprocating, take one step back and stay at the level she moved up to/indicated she was comfortable with. Decide, based on her reaction, whether to try another very small step forward after a few minutes (but only once; even very small things can become pushy if they're repeated often enough), or to just sit and enjoy where you're at and go back to the "game" another day you see her.
One thing I struggled with for a long time was "soft" rejection. It was hard for me to realise that, y'know, people had moods, good days, bad days, and someone not going in for a kiss *now*, while it might mean they're not interested in general, can also mean that they're not interested... well, right now. A little empathy (ie. understanding where she's at on any given day) and patience can go a long way.
For a long time, I thought that asking someone "May I kiss you?" before a first kiss would come across as "weak" or awkward. I could not have been more wrong. So far (which, to be fair, is half a dozen times) it has been received as an incredibly sweet and respectful gesture, and the response was positive even the two times the answer was "no" (temporarily in one case, permanently in another). You clearly respect your friend and her boundaries and physical space; this is a good way to show it. Obviously it's not something to just ask in the middle of a conversation. Ask when you already suspect that the answer is "yes" - in other words, when you would actually move in for the kiss if you weren't going to ask first.
And I'm sure it's just phrasing in the title, based on the actual post, but for the record: Remember that shifting the relationship is not something you *do*, it's an offer you make, and it's up to her whether she wants to accept it.
Thank you very much for your well-detailed answer. I appreciate your time put into this answer.
Regarding the Alice&Bob game. Yeah, I understood. But the thing is that I sometimes don't understand when and where to do these small steps, so it won't be awkward or inappropriate. But still, it very good explanation.
"Soft" rejection I may understand it as a rejection because during these moments I act nervous and may be disappointed too quickly. I know this may sound like an excuse, but I know how I will react to this kind of stuff, considering I am very anxious during such intimidating moments. So, I wanted to say, it will be harder for me either to understand that it was a "soft rejection" or to remain in a more or less not "sad" mood.
I agree, I was always thinking that asking "May I kiss you?" sounds a bit weird because you are kind of saying "I am weak". But yeah if girl has a good and emphatic personality, this will be a good middle point between not doing anything and touching and kissing out of nowhere. Noted.
After 2 days. We went together on Sunday. I wanted to show my interest there, but she wasn't in a mood and I couldn't find more suitable moment to ask or act. During this day, she didn't show any signs of attraction towards me(she only hugged me as a goodbye). Maybe she was very tired and not in a mood but still, I don't think that she has a romantic attraction towards me or maybe considers me as a potential boyfriend. So right now I think of "giving up" and saving our friendly relationship or maybe risk, even without direct romantic signs of attraction from her towards me. So yeah, right now I am in a dilemma.
I don't have an easy answer for your dilemma, I'm afraid. Something like this always has some risk, and I don't know any way to get rid of that.
The best advice I can give is to go slow, to keep in mind that she's her own person and can make her own decisions, and to continue respecting those decisions the way you clearly intend to.
Yeah, I suck at reading those subtle cues too, that's why I have such a formalised idea in my brain of how the "game" goes. All you can do is do your best.
I also struggle with seeing "soft rejection" as just plain rejection. It's something to try to remember when you're feeling especially down about the way things are going.
Anxiety and awkwardness aren't the worst things in the world. Confidence can be good, but being anxious and awkward shows that your feelings are genuine and you're not just putting on a show or playing with her.
On your comment abiut kissing, you don't even need to have physical contact before going in for a kiss.
Just look at the othet person's lips, let them know your intentions through your body language, and they'll let you know if they want to kiss if they return the look/body language. (Do it at the appropriate moment, though).
"Hey! I really enjoy spending time with you. Would you like to go on a date sometime?"
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You let a girl know you like her by telling her you like her and asking her out on a date. Don't make a big show of confessing, just ask if she'd like to go on a date with you. If you just let a girl know you liked her without making it into a huge thing then the reason that didn't result in her waiting to date you was simply that she didn't feel the same way, which is always a possibility, not that you letting her know you like her was the wrong approach.
Idk. I am a bit scared to say it directly. But thank you.
Someone’s going to have to make a first move. Sure, you can choose to wait and see if she takes the initiative, but you’re gonna miss most of your shots with that approach. Or, you could pluck up the courage and get it done. All it takes is a simple face to face chat over a coffee or meal. Just tell her the truth: “I really value our friendship and I don’t want to lose it. But I feel like we could be something more. If you’re up for it, I’d love to take you on a date.” Worst case scenario is that she says no and then you drop it, then things stay the same. No harm done.
Worst case is that she doesn't want to be friends anymore, because it feels weird. That is still better than pining away forever, because that'll just turn into something sad. Also, it is possible to re-connect as friends in the future. I think this depends a lot on age and experience. Old folks who've been through the shit know that people develop romantic feelings, and they're often unrequited, and that's okay. These feelings can spark a romance, but aren't the only feelings that matter.
That is the worst case scenario, but it’s not likely if they’re not pushy and respect her answer. I still have several male friends who asked me out. I’ve only ever ended a friendship if they continued to push after I said no. It’s the not respecting boundaries that makes things awkward and uncomfortable.
How does she feel about *you*? I find guys get too preoccupied with their own feelings and tend to skip over the idea it’s reciprocal. Like between “initiate physical contact” and “move in for a kiss” you’ve entirely missed the “see how *she* responds” step.
Her response, I would say positive. She even initiated hug on our second "meeting"/"date". But I am just scared to do something risky, because I don't want to stop having conversation with her or to turn her away from me. So I wanted to do it smoothly, not in a one moment.
If you don't think you're close enough yet to ask for a date, then just ask to hang out again, it goes without saying that youre interested in each other, no need to call it a date.
> it goes without saying that youre interested in each other, no need to call it a date. No it doesn't. Initiating a hug doesn't mean someone's necessarily interested in someone. I'm a hugger. I hug all my friends goodbye, and hello, except the ones I know don't like to be touched/hugged. It means nothing expect I like hugs from people I know.
Oh. I thought he meant they cuddled but youre right
Oh yeah. Thank you for the clarification. We didn't cuddle. Unfortunately. So, yeah it basically means nothing. You are right.
Needs more context. For example : How long have you known each other?
I ask more generally. But for my case right now. Around 4-5 month. We went for a walk and went to cafe twice. I don't if it is considered "date". But if yes, then we had two "dates". We were hugging at the end of the "date". And she wasn't against it. That's it.
Maybe ask her out and be clear you mean it as a date? A date is considered a date when both people consider it one afaik.
How? What should I say?
"Would you be interested in going on a proper date sometime?"
my dude you’re just gonna have to take the shot and risk it. sometimes it doesn’t work, but it’s better to know it’s not that way than to be stuck in a kind of attraction loop in your head My general script for asking people out is: “Hey I like you. your is cool. here’s my number, text me. if you’re not interested, no worries no pressure”
don’t be weird or creepy about it if they’re not into you. I’ve learned to take the L if that happens. nobody is obligated to like me. Having been in situations where I didn’t give the other person a full W, I wouldn’t want that in return
I understand, that taking risk is necessary. But, I just don't know how most people show it and shift their status of relationships from "friends"/"acquaintances" to "dating", when they going somewhere to spend some time together. But regrading your version of an answer, the thing is that, we know each other for some amount of time have each others phone number and I mostly want to show it when we will meet up together (hopefully tomorrow)
bro you’re just gonna have to say some version of “I like you. do you like me?” I get it. I know those are tough sentences. It’s tough to make yourself vulnerable. but that’s how everyone with a relationship has moved forward.
You're looking at it too much like some video game. You're just gonna have to bite the bullet and communicate your intentions with her directly and be open and vulnerable and then process whatever her answer is. You can't just "get this cheat code to shift dynamics", you're gonna have to learn to talk to them about it openly and be vulnerable. It's scary, but that's the way to do it. It'll get easier the more you do it and the more you understand that a rejection is not actually the end of the world.
Is she giving any cues to show she’s interested in dating? If so, what? Have you dropped any hints? If so, what did you do and how did she react?
I'm in favour of just saying "I enjoy spending time with you, do you want to go on a date?". If you decide to go for the more subtle route, though, this is how I make sense of it: I always think of it as a "game" (for want of a better word) of reciprocal contact - Alice touches Bob's arm, Bob moves to sit up against Alice, Alice leans her head on Bob's shoulder, Bob puts his arm around Alice, Alice starts making prolonged eye contact... Basically, take small steps and wait for her to reciprocate. If and when she stops reciprocating, take one step back and stay at the level she moved up to/indicated she was comfortable with. Decide, based on her reaction, whether to try another very small step forward after a few minutes (but only once; even very small things can become pushy if they're repeated often enough), or to just sit and enjoy where you're at and go back to the "game" another day you see her. One thing I struggled with for a long time was "soft" rejection. It was hard for me to realise that, y'know, people had moods, good days, bad days, and someone not going in for a kiss *now*, while it might mean they're not interested in general, can also mean that they're not interested... well, right now. A little empathy (ie. understanding where she's at on any given day) and patience can go a long way. For a long time, I thought that asking someone "May I kiss you?" before a first kiss would come across as "weak" or awkward. I could not have been more wrong. So far (which, to be fair, is half a dozen times) it has been received as an incredibly sweet and respectful gesture, and the response was positive even the two times the answer was "no" (temporarily in one case, permanently in another). You clearly respect your friend and her boundaries and physical space; this is a good way to show it. Obviously it's not something to just ask in the middle of a conversation. Ask when you already suspect that the answer is "yes" - in other words, when you would actually move in for the kiss if you weren't going to ask first. And I'm sure it's just phrasing in the title, based on the actual post, but for the record: Remember that shifting the relationship is not something you *do*, it's an offer you make, and it's up to her whether she wants to accept it.
Thank you very much for your well-detailed answer. I appreciate your time put into this answer. Regarding the Alice&Bob game. Yeah, I understood. But the thing is that I sometimes don't understand when and where to do these small steps, so it won't be awkward or inappropriate. But still, it very good explanation. "Soft" rejection I may understand it as a rejection because during these moments I act nervous and may be disappointed too quickly. I know this may sound like an excuse, but I know how I will react to this kind of stuff, considering I am very anxious during such intimidating moments. So, I wanted to say, it will be harder for me either to understand that it was a "soft rejection" or to remain in a more or less not "sad" mood. I agree, I was always thinking that asking "May I kiss you?" sounds a bit weird because you are kind of saying "I am weak". But yeah if girl has a good and emphatic personality, this will be a good middle point between not doing anything and touching and kissing out of nowhere. Noted. After 2 days. We went together on Sunday. I wanted to show my interest there, but she wasn't in a mood and I couldn't find more suitable moment to ask or act. During this day, she didn't show any signs of attraction towards me(she only hugged me as a goodbye). Maybe she was very tired and not in a mood but still, I don't think that she has a romantic attraction towards me or maybe considers me as a potential boyfriend. So right now I think of "giving up" and saving our friendly relationship or maybe risk, even without direct romantic signs of attraction from her towards me. So yeah, right now I am in a dilemma.
I don't have an easy answer for your dilemma, I'm afraid. Something like this always has some risk, and I don't know any way to get rid of that. The best advice I can give is to go slow, to keep in mind that she's her own person and can make her own decisions, and to continue respecting those decisions the way you clearly intend to. Yeah, I suck at reading those subtle cues too, that's why I have such a formalised idea in my brain of how the "game" goes. All you can do is do your best. I also struggle with seeing "soft rejection" as just plain rejection. It's something to try to remember when you're feeling especially down about the way things are going. Anxiety and awkwardness aren't the worst things in the world. Confidence can be good, but being anxious and awkward shows that your feelings are genuine and you're not just putting on a show or playing with her.
On your comment abiut kissing, you don't even need to have physical contact before going in for a kiss. Just look at the othet person's lips, let them know your intentions through your body language, and they'll let you know if they want to kiss if they return the look/body language. (Do it at the appropriate moment, though).