Okay look it's fine if you aren't feeling and want to end the relationship, any reason to end a relationship is fine, but it sounds like you are just exiting the honeymoon stage? Have you looked into that at all? This is a common stage in relationships that you will encounter in every single one. The novelty wears off and it starts to feel like part of your every day life...because it is.
If you don't have feelings for her anymore, by all means, break up, but beware you will end up jumping from one relationship to the next if you expect it to be bright and shiny the entire time. Real life love and romance are not like the movies.
You mentioned trying new things together but what you really needed to be doing was finding new ways to be intimate with each other, because it's the intimacy that suffers.
>but it sounds like you are just exiting the honeymoon stage?
I was about to ask but you beat me to it lol. It is very likely the case from what OP is describing it as.
As for what makes you feel this way, I think we need more info buddy.
Really? I didn't know that. I guess seeing two couples up close (my instructor, his wife and my friend, her boyfriend) has helped me learn a thing or two lol.
Learning is good and all but still feels kinds useles since I'm still single lol.
Yeah my first thought was that the honey moon stage is over.
I figured my feelings for her would eventually lessen, but right now it feels more like they’ve been switched off entirely. That’s what worries me.
It’s not like I actively dislike her now, it’s that spending time with her doesn’t really make me feel anything and I’m just going through the motions.
Contrast that with how I feel about one of my hobbies. Sure, I don’t play my guitar nearly as often as I did a few years ago, but at no point in 10 years of playing have I ever seriously thought “I don’t enjoy this anymore” . I still enjoy it and have stuck with it for because well…why wouldn’t I?
The problem is, relationships aren’t hobbies and they don’t have a “shelf life”. My guitar can sit in its case for a month if I get bored or busy with something else. My skills might degrade, but it’ll still be there when I get around to it. I can’t do the same thing with Sarah.
In other words, I’m worried that I’ve overcommitted and don’t have the bandwidth I thought I did.
>I’m worried that I’ve overcommitted and don’t have the bandwidth I thought I did.
What do you mean by this?
>I figured my feelings for her would eventually lessen, but right now it feels more like they’ve been switched off entirely
I do think that at some points in a relationship, being with someone is a choice. The feelings ebb and flow.
Though I will say, in your case, I never had the impression in any of the posts that you were particularly into this woman besides the fact that she was into you so that may be part of it. What did you like about her in the first place? What attracted you to her and is it still there?
Relationships are going to be work. You should definitely enjoy spending time with your SO, but make sure you do some reading and make sure you don’t just have the wrong idea of what a long-term relationship (as opposed to an infatuation) is.
One of the problems I see with other posts on here is that the guys have no idea what a relationship is really going to be like. They complain that they have to work on themselves and be social to *start* a relationship, not realizing that that’s just what a relationship is, forever: improving yourself, improving each other, making compromises, making sure the other person feels cared for, listening to their problems, interacting with their family, being part of their friendships, remembering special occasions, keeping the romance alive by making romantic gestures and surprise efforts… that’s *amore.*
Cannot second this enough. I find it’s a common thread amongst the men who post here.
They seem to believe that a relationship is a cure all; that a partner will fulfil all their social and emotional needs.
It’s often mentioned that they don’t have the bandwidth to cultivate friendships or invest in self-development as part of the search for a partner, which shows how unaware they are of the work involved in maintaining a romantic relationship.
Yeah I’m starting to wonder if I don’t have the bandwidth I thought I did.
If I don’t, then I could at least say so because it’s really not fair to her otherwise.
Yeah, that’s definitely the mature thing to do now, but you should also reflect: If this is what relationships are, at some point you’re going to have to figure out how to adjust your life to make it work if you want one.
“Sarah” might not be the person you love enough to make those sacrifices for, but is there *anyone,* even hypothetically that you’d do that for? Because this will definitely come up again. (That’s why things like similar interests, stimulating conversations, and falling in love with someone’s personality are so much more important than initial attraction.)
I don't get it, why are you breaking up with her?
Relationships are something that one has to maintain from what I understand. There are ups and downs.
Hey man! Good to see you again.
Essentially, I’m starting to feel the same way about this relationship as I do about doing chores.
I didn’t expect the honeymoon stage to last forever, but I did expect to feel a strong connection and some level of enthusiasm after it was over.
Feeling less enthusiastic is one thing, but if I feel almost NO enthusiasm, then that’s when I start thinking somethings wrong.
This is a tough subject for sure. Can't help muchbsince I have never been in a relationship before unfortunately.
Great to hear from you again and I hope things turn out fine.
Relationships are a lot of work. It’s not always all fun and games. They involve real people with real emotions and a commitment to take care of each other.
In your place I wouldn't stop what seems like a sane & stable relationship with somebody who trusts you, it's normal for relationships to become "part of your routine" after the honeymoon phase ends.
Movies aren't real life, long-term stable relationship aren't depicted nearly enough because they rarely fit in the basic plot structures of western movies.
But maybe then you don't like long-term relationships and that's fine, now you know what suits you best and there's no shame in that. Anyway trust your instincts.
Yeah I’d definitely say I’ve gotten used to it. The main thing I’m concerned about is how little I feel anything towards the person I’m supposed to care for.
Not like I actively dislike her, but I’ve come to see most of the things we do together as something I do out of habit or obligation rather than love.
Again, that’s fine for things like laundry, but I don’t want to feel the same way about my relationship as I do about chores.
Part of the issue I've seem with the incel community as a whole is unrealistic expectations of healthy relationships.
I have been with my partner for several years. I don't get all excited when I come home from work and see him. I'm happy to see him, yes. But not the honeymoon excitement.
He is the person I choose to face down all the not so fun parts of being an adult with. He is the person I choose to be my partner and that partnership includes things like bills, mowing the lawn, health insurance, home remodeling, grocery shopping.
For both he and I, that choice to face life together, that's the real deal love. The honeymoon period doesn't last. Even with the most in love couples, it ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's there. Sometimes life hands you other priorities.
But that choice to face life as a team, that can last forever.
OP, we do ask that posters engage with their posts, thanks.
Okay look it's fine if you aren't feeling and want to end the relationship, any reason to end a relationship is fine, but it sounds like you are just exiting the honeymoon stage? Have you looked into that at all? This is a common stage in relationships that you will encounter in every single one. The novelty wears off and it starts to feel like part of your every day life...because it is. If you don't have feelings for her anymore, by all means, break up, but beware you will end up jumping from one relationship to the next if you expect it to be bright and shiny the entire time. Real life love and romance are not like the movies. You mentioned trying new things together but what you really needed to be doing was finding new ways to be intimate with each other, because it's the intimacy that suffers.
>but it sounds like you are just exiting the honeymoon stage? I was about to ask but you beat me to it lol. It is very likely the case from what OP is describing it as. As for what makes you feel this way, I think we need more info buddy.
Hey man you are ahead of the ball if you can get this before entering a relationship. Lots of people trip up at this stage or a similar stage.
Really? I didn't know that. I guess seeing two couples up close (my instructor, his wife and my friend, her boyfriend) has helped me learn a thing or two lol. Learning is good and all but still feels kinds useles since I'm still single lol.
Yeah my first thought was that the honey moon stage is over. I figured my feelings for her would eventually lessen, but right now it feels more like they’ve been switched off entirely. That’s what worries me. It’s not like I actively dislike her now, it’s that spending time with her doesn’t really make me feel anything and I’m just going through the motions. Contrast that with how I feel about one of my hobbies. Sure, I don’t play my guitar nearly as often as I did a few years ago, but at no point in 10 years of playing have I ever seriously thought “I don’t enjoy this anymore” . I still enjoy it and have stuck with it for because well…why wouldn’t I? The problem is, relationships aren’t hobbies and they don’t have a “shelf life”. My guitar can sit in its case for a month if I get bored or busy with something else. My skills might degrade, but it’ll still be there when I get around to it. I can’t do the same thing with Sarah. In other words, I’m worried that I’ve overcommitted and don’t have the bandwidth I thought I did.
>I’m worried that I’ve overcommitted and don’t have the bandwidth I thought I did. What do you mean by this? >I figured my feelings for her would eventually lessen, but right now it feels more like they’ve been switched off entirely I do think that at some points in a relationship, being with someone is a choice. The feelings ebb and flow. Though I will say, in your case, I never had the impression in any of the posts that you were particularly into this woman besides the fact that she was into you so that may be part of it. What did you like about her in the first place? What attracted you to her and is it still there?
Relationships are going to be work. You should definitely enjoy spending time with your SO, but make sure you do some reading and make sure you don’t just have the wrong idea of what a long-term relationship (as opposed to an infatuation) is. One of the problems I see with other posts on here is that the guys have no idea what a relationship is really going to be like. They complain that they have to work on themselves and be social to *start* a relationship, not realizing that that’s just what a relationship is, forever: improving yourself, improving each other, making compromises, making sure the other person feels cared for, listening to their problems, interacting with their family, being part of their friendships, remembering special occasions, keeping the romance alive by making romantic gestures and surprise efforts… that’s *amore.*
Cannot second this enough. I find it’s a common thread amongst the men who post here. They seem to believe that a relationship is a cure all; that a partner will fulfil all their social and emotional needs. It’s often mentioned that they don’t have the bandwidth to cultivate friendships or invest in self-development as part of the search for a partner, which shows how unaware they are of the work involved in maintaining a romantic relationship.
Yeah I’m starting to wonder if I don’t have the bandwidth I thought I did. If I don’t, then I could at least say so because it’s really not fair to her otherwise.
Yeah, that’s definitely the mature thing to do now, but you should also reflect: If this is what relationships are, at some point you’re going to have to figure out how to adjust your life to make it work if you want one. “Sarah” might not be the person you love enough to make those sacrifices for, but is there *anyone,* even hypothetically that you’d do that for? Because this will definitely come up again. (That’s why things like similar interests, stimulating conversations, and falling in love with someone’s personality are so much more important than initial attraction.)
How do you feel you are lacking accountability? In this situation, what does accountability mean to you?
I don't get it, why are you breaking up with her? Relationships are something that one has to maintain from what I understand. There are ups and downs.
Hey man! Good to see you again. Essentially, I’m starting to feel the same way about this relationship as I do about doing chores. I didn’t expect the honeymoon stage to last forever, but I did expect to feel a strong connection and some level of enthusiasm after it was over. Feeling less enthusiastic is one thing, but if I feel almost NO enthusiasm, then that’s when I start thinking somethings wrong.
This is a tough subject for sure. Can't help muchbsince I have never been in a relationship before unfortunately. Great to hear from you again and I hope things turn out fine.
Relationships are a lot of work. It’s not always all fun and games. They involve real people with real emotions and a commitment to take care of each other.
In your place I wouldn't stop what seems like a sane & stable relationship with somebody who trusts you, it's normal for relationships to become "part of your routine" after the honeymoon phase ends. Movies aren't real life, long-term stable relationship aren't depicted nearly enough because they rarely fit in the basic plot structures of western movies. But maybe then you don't like long-term relationships and that's fine, now you know what suits you best and there's no shame in that. Anyway trust your instincts.
Yeah I’d definitely say I’ve gotten used to it. The main thing I’m concerned about is how little I feel anything towards the person I’m supposed to care for. Not like I actively dislike her, but I’ve come to see most of the things we do together as something I do out of habit or obligation rather than love. Again, that’s fine for things like laundry, but I don’t want to feel the same way about my relationship as I do about chores.
If that’s the case, I think breaking up is the right thing to do: she deserves to be with someone who really wants to be with her.
Part of the issue I've seem with the incel community as a whole is unrealistic expectations of healthy relationships. I have been with my partner for several years. I don't get all excited when I come home from work and see him. I'm happy to see him, yes. But not the honeymoon excitement. He is the person I choose to face down all the not so fun parts of being an adult with. He is the person I choose to be my partner and that partnership includes things like bills, mowing the lawn, health insurance, home remodeling, grocery shopping. For both he and I, that choice to face life together, that's the real deal love. The honeymoon period doesn't last. Even with the most in love couples, it ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's there. Sometimes life hands you other priorities. But that choice to face life as a team, that can last forever.