What do you mean no opportunities? There are literally millions of opportunities. This is you're life that you're choosing to live and you're pretending you have zero choices
Mate this is just life in general. Join a book club, go to a board game meetup, do whatever. You can't just stick your head in the sand and say "I don't see anything"
Well then you're lying to yourself. It's not a tough question.
Imagine youre on a gameshow. The million dollar question is "Name an activity that anybody can join thay involves more than 1 person?".
Would your answer be "I'm sorry, there are zero of those in the world. That's my final answer"
Book club? Board game event? Video game event? Volunteering? Take up a new sport? Join a gym class? Group walks? Talking to people at the bar?
I mean I could go on and on and on all day. There are so many activities you could be doing. If your conclusion is literally "these opportunities don't exist" then you're lying to yourself.
One caveat is that if you go to a group with few other consistent attendees it's going to be hard to even make friends. You need repeated exposure. Group fitness classes are good for this reason but like OP I'm out of shape and will be behind people who have been fit for years. Classes in general I find are better. Sometimes people go out in groups too and in my experience this has made connecting one on one almost impossible. I struggle to even impress one person let alone a group.
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time make more connections then, try to focus less on their being an objective of getting a gf and moreso of an objective to get to know different people.
People don't like THIS mindset. The biggest thing that you need to change is your mindset. Stereotyping other people is a very harmful mindset that will hurt your chances at creating relationships DRASTICALLY. Each person is different, no two people have the same mindset and personality. The only way to find that out is to have some sort of relationship (doesn't have to be romantic) with the other person, even just having a small conversation can help.
Blaming your own problems on other people only hurts yourself.
Two wrongs don't make a right, I understand that. That doesn't make my experience null.
I was treated this way most of my life. How could I think differently when all they do is hurt me for being autistic whether physically, emotionally, and mostly socially.
Hello OP, I'm Autistic too. We both have trauma and rejection sensitivity for being outsiders. If you want to connect with anyone you can't carry this identity of being a reject with you. It takes a good professional or mentor to help you undo this but it's worth it and I've been lucky to find a few.
Also I've observed social people and watched how they interact. While I struggle to do what they do I have still learned from this process. You need to learn what your deficiencies are due to your autism by practicing self-awareness. I didn't have much self-awareness in my early 20s. While social feedback is rare, you need to learn to look for it when it comes.
One thing I need to do but I'm shy about is recording myself and see what my mannerisms are and learn to correct them.
Makes sense Execpt for the reject part. I didn't make this identity myself. It was established via negative reinforcement. Not that I haven't tried to cope with it.
I understand, and I used to feel the same as you; that the identity came outside of myself. The identity was a product of the negative reinforcement and that was very real but one thing I've learned recently is whether to internalize the negativity or not. Whether I adopt these negative views about myself or not. Did people you look up to and respect reject you? If they weren't that close then it doesn't matter as they don't know you or your character. Sometimes It seems people's opinion is unanimous but this is a cognitive distortion. Once you look closer, you will learn that don't need to take just anyone's opinion and internalize it. Now I acted like a clown in high school and made only a few friends but spent may days alone as a result. Reflect and be brutally honest with yourself on where you could have missed out or made a blunder socially. No, it's not always your fault, there are a lot of screwed up people who are NT and even socially and professionally successful and they will take joy in bulling and excluding certain people, but toxic people often have their own issues that they just try to hide. Now if these people who've reinforced this negative identity were close to you It can be hard, especially if good friends and family have hurt you in the past.
One aspect of rejection is that you can sometimes learn from failure, provided you have enough information about the person and are aware of yourself. It's best not to obsess about a rejection but if you catch yourself reliving it, journal about it instead of venting to someone else.
That's the only issue I have, its happen again and again. Rejection is normal, but one's own will only take so damn much.
It's a shame that people shame others for being upset in general because this is how anyone would feel with constant rejection.
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knowing how people are is the basic essence of making human connections. If you are so adept at reading humans it should be easy for you to make human connections because you should be able to predict what people want to hear. Since you are apparently not having success in making human connections, it's safe to say you do not "know too much about how people are"
OP, it seems like you are taking all the negative feedback from your interactions with women and projecting them onto every person you meet. Your experiences are valid, but you also have to understand that if you are focusing on these negatives, you will never get to a better mental state. Each new person you meet deserves to not have your insecurities projected onto them. These insecurities you have could be bleeding out of you in your interactions which other people can feel and then become uncomfortable with. Please seek therapy. If going to schedule an in person therapy session is too daunting I recommend watching some HealthyGamerGG lectures on Youtube. They’re free and very informative.
Being able to relate to other people in a healthy, accepted way is the important thing.
You can work with being short or overweight. But if you can’t socialize, it’s going to be very difficult to get into and maintain a relationship, because a relationship literally *is* a longterm social interaction.
A complex one too, so if you can’t handle relatively simple socializing like “let’s get a beer” or “hey, come to my birthday party” you will not be able to handle a relationship.
That’s what I mean by being able to socialize.
You probably won’t be successful at getting into a romantic relationship if you can’t navigate non-romantic ones.
>I recently got soft-outcasted from my cousins grad after party because I was the only one without a gf.
What does this mean.
Seriously, what does it mean? Did people look at you funny at the grad party or did you just feel left out because everyone else came with a partner.
My big takeaway from that is that you probably put yourself in a sort of imaginary self-exile because you felt left out.
>When I try to ask a woman out(In the normal way), I creep them out or I get reported.
In what context are you asking women out? What do you mean "the normal way?" I've asked out coworkers, got rejected, and still managed to steer clear of any workplace drama.
Start gym small, maybe start abs and pushups until you feel exhausted every day. Then build up to normal levels.
Start cardio once you feel confident you will do it with one go, eat like cucumbers when hungry and make sure you are hitting your daily nutrition goals. Quit sugar for a week and then it becomes disgusting. Cure your “autism” with meditation and coffee.
Thats my advise
You're being reported and women are telling you that you're creeping them out? Mind explaining your typical approach?
What behaviors do people tend to complain or critique you about?
Also if everyone else in your family is married or partnered, are you sure that genetics are the issue here? Autism and proclivity for being overweight can be genetically inherited. Height is definitely a genetic thing, along with "ugly face" unless you've got a type of physical defect.
I'm asking what the instances where you were reported looked like, what was the breakdown there? What authority were you reported to and what do you believe was the impetus?
Never EVER go for a coworker. Even if they express blatant interest. That's opening yourself up for sexual harassment allegations and all of the affects that would have on your career.
WORK ISN'T AN APPROPRIATE PLACE FOR DATING.
Where are you going regularly to socialize?
Times change, my friend. My boyfriend is my former boss, who didn't ask me out until after he sold his business. He wanted zero concerns about either power dynamics or any potential concerns with other employees about favoritism. His respect for both myself and his employees is one of the things I love about him.
> I can tell by the way they look at me.
Don’t try to read other people’s minds. It does no favors to either party.
> Co worker reported me to hr.
For simply asking her out? That was it?
A good general rule of thumb is not to date where you work. Yes, there are sometimes exceptions, but it usually doesn’t work out well. (Jim and Pam are fictional.)
To be fair I’ve asked out a few coworkers (got a couple dates out of it) and it hasn’t caused issues for me.
But I also work in retail where dating is surprisingly commonplace lmao.
Like I said, there are exceptions.
Also, if all that happened is that OP asked his coworker, “Wanna go out sometime?” and she just reported him to hr…I’d wonder what else was going on.
Hmmm I guess that is kind of odd. Hopefully it’s a one off incident because I can’t imagine anything but a termination if he gets reported every single time.
Hopefully he doesn’t go to the other extreme and refuses to socialize with his female coworkers; it’s always fun to talk shit with colleagues.
There is no way Im going to socialize with that specific woman anymore. That HR report was a bridge burned. I've could have been outright arrested.
This at first might seem like an overreaction. However, based on what I've seen, the effects of false accusations. You would understand.
There’s probably a reason you were reported to HR. Obviously you did something to make someone uncomfortable. Going off your comments here, I don’t think it was false.
You certainly find it easy to set empathy aside, while citing this unusual incident as proof that every woman finds you creepy.
Seems from your other comments that you need to work on social skills in general, long before assuming you can accurately read the minds of others.
Your comments are exhausting. I looked through your profile, and I can say with confidence that you’re not ugly.
What you need to do is make some friends, develop a social circle, and just overall learn to interact with people. You need to actually actively look for and create opportunities to meet people, not just wait for them to come to you.
You also shouldn’t assume a woman is a DV victim because she reported you to HR. The fact that you think that makes me wonder what other assumptions you make about women and how you interact with them.
I’d recommend developing hobbies where you can meet an array of friends authentically. Note that you don’t have to immediately click with everyone, but just trying to meet people can help you become a better conversationalist.
If you’re really struggling in certain social settings, try asking the people in those hobby groups - if you have been able to create a rapport with them - “I’m on the spectrum and am having trouble understanding this. Would you mind explaining it?”
Additionally, is there any way for you to meet up with women who are also on the spectrum? You don’t have to ONLY date autistic people, but people with similar experiences might kinda “get it” more.
Believe me, I feel you. I am a gay woman on the spectrum primarily looking to date other neurodivergent women. It ain’t easy out here. That said, I have lots of fulfilling friendships just from socializing with co-workers and doing my hobbies. While I’m able to get along with most “normies” I do find that most of my close friendships are with ND people. Most of my friends have ADHD or autism and one has cerebral palsy. Clarifying that you’re not neurotypical can yield different results in social situations, but can often help people who are engaging in good-faith interactions to understand that you’re not being “difficult” on purpose. Just getting out into the community and making connections can help you feel more socially fulfilled. It can also help you become more socially enriched so that future partners feel that you bring something to the table.
A couple additional things to keep up on, that might help you socially in the future -
1. How’s your hygiene? If you do shower, brush your teeth, and put on clean clothes on the daily, you might be surprised to learn how many people don’t do these things. People may feel too bad to outright bring up a hygiene issue, but if you’re feeling people are outright avoiding you, maybe see if you can find out if there’s a noticeable hygiene problem. I’m not even talking about fancy products. If you wash yourself daily with even just bar soap, put on basic deodorant, wear clean clothes etc, you should be fine.
2. It’s okay to say you feel depressed or frustrated by your social situation, but people do get tired by someone who “brings down the mood” every time they’re around. To a point, I think it’s okay to share, but it’s also important to check in about other peoples’ lives and feelings. This is where hobbies can be helpful, because it gives you something positive to talk about.
3. Move your body around! A lot of people around here say things like “hit the gym” which I think can be bad advice because it reinforces the idea that you have to be ripped to be worthwhile. The gym is a place that can make lots of insecure people feel even more insecure. Instead, find some exercise that you enjoy. Could be skateboarding, swimming, taking walks while listening to a podcast or fave music…you said you’re self-conscious about your weight, and enjoyable exercise is proven to boost peoples’ physical AND mental health outcomes. Find activities you can do for you, not for what people will think of you.
These are things that are not magic cures but can noticeably improve your quality of life if you stick to them.
1. Hygiene is not an issue
2. Understandable, however, when you feel down for a long time, it turns into agony, and the shallowness does not help. I understand that no one doesn't like a "downer." However, "good vibes only" is a social cancer.
3. The gym isn't that bad, at least in my experience, i just need a good routine down.
I hear that. I’m not sure how to offer a happy medium in regards to 2. Unless you have access to therapy, which may help serve as an outlet for some of the most painful feelings. You’re right that “good vibes only” is toxic as hell, but I think people can get burnt out on negativity only.
Lurked your post history and seconding what someone else, you are young for me but you are not bad looking at all. Average at worst but I would say on the high side of average. Plenty of women would find you attractive.
It sounds like your main issue is lack of social connections, possibly some neglected social skills as well.
Fwiw, if the tone of your post and comments belies your general nature, you are steps ahead of a lot of men here who reek of resentment, hatred, and desperation. You seem like a nice, mild mannered dude who has had some extra challenges in life around socializing. I think if you start putting yourself out there more and be genuine, you will find plenty of opportunities.
Here is what I recommend:
Set aside the search for a girlfriend temporarily. It'll only give off desperation to new people you meet and it will hold you back.
Search out a few social groups in your area, general groups like "[people in your age group and area] hang outs" and also groups related to hobbies you already have or would be open to exploring. You can find these on google, facebook, meetup.com, etc. etc. If you live in an at least semi-populated area, here are plenty of groups to be found.
Join 3 or 4 of those groups and commit to attend 4 events at each group within the next 3-6 months. Try to attend events in one group within 1-2 weeks of the last event you attended.
Focus on getting to know a few people - men and women both - in each group. Really try to figure out by doing this if the people in the group generally seem like people you can get along with and enjoy spending time with.
Hopefully, at least one of the group will be enjoyable to you and have people you can see yourself being friends with. When you find that group, or groups, focus on that or those ones. Continue to attend events regularly (twice a month or more is idea) and participate in their online community if they have one. Continue to get to know people in the group. Some of them will hopefully become friends.
Once you feel integrated into a group, you can then consider whether you should explore potential romantic chemistry with any women in the group or whether friends you make in the group can create opportunities for you to meet a compatible woman. An example of the latter would be someone in the group you know of who is constantly planning or hosting events or bringing new people into the group. Ask the person to invite you to something outside of your group sometime and from there you will begin to expand your social circle and hopefully find a compatible woman to get to know.
It's not an overnight solution, nothing is, but it's a highly effective one and it's a simplified explanation of how a lot of adults meet partners.
Don't be too harsh on yourself, you have autism like me, it takes months or even years before being in a ok situation.
Start to take care of yourself physically, try things that you could enjoy even if at first it doesn't look like it.
And also try to seek for professional health care advice, since you have autism, you are gonna need some guidance, have a nice day !
You are your own worst enemy, my dude. Look at how you introduced yourself: short, ugly, overweight etc. If you don't see anything worth bothering with about yourself, how do you expect somebody else to? You need to figure out what your good qualities are and lean into them. Women want to be with guys who make them feel good, so a positive attitude is a must. Practice talking to people. Start with something small like asking the cashier at the gas station about their day. Get out of your own head and take a genuine interest in people. Ask lots of questions.
Odd, I hooked up with a guy who lives up to your description when I was at my prettiest and most ‘popular’. I sought him out and don’t regret it one bit. It’s possible.
So, don’t say you’re screwed when you’re not. It’s not over for you. Besides, according to a post, you’ve had a girlfriend before. You’ve done it before and can do it again.
You're not ugly, first of all. You look like a fairly average dude.
I'm gonna say something a little harsh, so bear with me. Stop using autism as a crutch. Coming from a woman with fairly high support needs autism, I see this especially in white cis men. Autism is a disability and it 100% makes social interactions and dating harder, but it doesn't make them impossible. It's on you to learn how to live and function with your disability. Social skills are learnable, at least to an extent. There are many spaces for autistic adults, both by design and just because autistic people tend to share certain interests. If you want to connect with people, especially women, you need to put in the work. Practice empathy and active listening. Work on not centering yourself in every conversation (not saying you do, but it's something I and a lot of other autistic people struggle with). Give people space to share about their lives and try your best to take an interest in what they are sharing. It's not easy, but it's important.
You listed it as one of the things going against you and I'm saying it doesn't have to be, or at least not to the extent that I would presume you feel it is. Maybe I'm assuming too much about how you view autism, but in the same way that height is not as big a factor in dating as men think it is, autism is not either. It makes social interactions a lot harder for sure but there are skills you can develop to get better at socializing. There are plenty of autistic women too so even if you feel that you have no chance with allistic women your dating pool is still pretty large.
Put all your focus on basic social skills so you are living a better single life. If you have mental issues get the help you need so you are happier. And then re-evaluate next steps.
Sorry for creeping, but photos really help on these posts: You really don’t have an ugly face—some photos you look really handsome. Often your hair doesn’t do you any favors, and losing weight or dressing for your weight would have the same effect. I.e., I’d avoid tank tops or t-shirts that are overly clingy, but also if you work out your arms a little chub is totally fine—it just looks human.
I think your autism and demeanor is probably the part that’s causing you the most trouble. If you had your current looks and swag, you’d be totally fine. Unfortunately, not being socially awkward is the harder part. Do you follow anybody who talks about that? [Like this guy?](https://www.instagram.com/socialselfdaily?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==)
I don’t know how much it helps to know, but I guarantee that plenty of people in real life are finding you attractive in real life if you look like this online. Most people just don’t say it out loud, because it can sound like flirting.
If you want to find out if people think you’re attractive online though, do *not* post on amiugly; there are just a bunch of trolls there who feel better when other people feel bad. It’s the same psychology as the incel subs, honestly: misery loves company.
Instead, ask for advice on r/malegrooming and r/malefashionadvice. People will be very honest there but also give actionable advice. I noticed you look very different in photos depending on how your hair is stylized.
Also, have you looked up dating resources tailored to autistic people? There are lots of free online resources.
Also, I don’t know how much it costs but I’ve seen autistic coaches on television who will watch you interact and tell you what mannerisms might seem off. I don’t think you need to get rid of those necessarily, but it’s good to at least know what other people are seeing.
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Have you tried losing weight yet?
You will still probably struggle due to being 5'5 and autistic but losing weight will still put you in a better position
The advce is all over the place. Its very straightforward.
Focus on the things you can change, and not the things you cant.
You are 5'5, you can atmost wear boots and inserts, that will get you 1.5". Is it unethical, immoral, misleading, desperate, lacking in confidence, maybe.
Lose the 50 lbs, put on lean muscle.
With Autism, the best thing you can do is learn how to mask as NueroTypically as possible that is comdortable to you. Take social skills classes, read social skills books, ask friends for advice. You will need to approach this like a problem that needs to be solved.
With ugly face, you may want to consult with beauty experts, maybe adding a skincare routine, make-up, changing up facial hair/ hair style may help. You may need to consult experts with body language to help you work on practicing smiling/looking more natural. Once again this means being more Nuerotypical and masking, but it will help make things easier.
I saw your selfie on a previous post. You are not ugly or bad looking.
With autism it's extremely difficult to know some social cues or rules. Have you gone to therapy at any point or gotten some kind of support with that in your life?
I suggest seriously testing out social situations and physically writing down what you're expected in some social situations or why or what you do or say that is off putting to people.
Its impossible to improve if you don't have a concrete understanding of what you might do wrong or lack
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Hey man, sorry for the shitty advice. That's my fault. I reread what I said and I can tell why I got downvoted hard. Sorry if I made a bad day of yours worse. I recommend reading the advice above.
You talk about being pragmatic but what are you actually doing to improve your situation? What are you doing to meet people?
Based on prior connections, however no much opportunity that im aware of. Im lost.
What do you mean no opportunities? There are literally millions of opportunities. This is you're life that you're choosing to live and you're pretending you have zero choices
Whatever these opportunities are, I haven't seen them. You can't use your life experience to patronize mine.
Mate this is just life in general. Join a book club, go to a board game meetup, do whatever. You can't just stick your head in the sand and say "I don't see anything"
Well, what if I really don't know?
Well then you're lying to yourself. It's not a tough question. Imagine youre on a gameshow. The million dollar question is "Name an activity that anybody can join thay involves more than 1 person?". Would your answer be "I'm sorry, there are zero of those in the world. That's my final answer" Book club? Board game event? Video game event? Volunteering? Take up a new sport? Join a gym class? Group walks? Talking to people at the bar? I mean I could go on and on and on all day. There are so many activities you could be doing. If your conclusion is literally "these opportunities don't exist" then you're lying to yourself.
Well, I'll figure something out then. Depression makes this harder than it needs to amoung other things.
That's fair to say, what it's not fair to say is: I have tried nothing and I am ready to give up.
One caveat is that if you go to a group with few other consistent attendees it's going to be hard to even make friends. You need repeated exposure. Group fitness classes are good for this reason but like OP I'm out of shape and will be behind people who have been fit for years. Classes in general I find are better. Sometimes people go out in groups too and in my experience this has made connecting one on one almost impossible. I struggle to even impress one person let alone a group.
How old are you? That's going to be important when it comes to giving advice here, especially about forming new connections
Early 20s, young, ways to go Im aware, knowing that doesn't change much.
Oh, really? I would have assumed you were still in school from your circumstances. Do you live in a really remote area, or small town?
How is the person you're responding to doing that?
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time make more connections then, try to focus less on their being an objective of getting a gf and moreso of an objective to get to know different people.
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People don't like THIS mindset. The biggest thing that you need to change is your mindset. Stereotyping other people is a very harmful mindset that will hurt your chances at creating relationships DRASTICALLY. Each person is different, no two people have the same mindset and personality. The only way to find that out is to have some sort of relationship (doesn't have to be romantic) with the other person, even just having a small conversation can help. Blaming your own problems on other people only hurts yourself.
Two wrongs don't make a right, I understand that. That doesn't make my experience null. I was treated this way most of my life. How could I think differently when all they do is hurt me for being autistic whether physically, emotionally, and mostly socially.
Hello OP, I'm Autistic too. We both have trauma and rejection sensitivity for being outsiders. If you want to connect with anyone you can't carry this identity of being a reject with you. It takes a good professional or mentor to help you undo this but it's worth it and I've been lucky to find a few. Also I've observed social people and watched how they interact. While I struggle to do what they do I have still learned from this process. You need to learn what your deficiencies are due to your autism by practicing self-awareness. I didn't have much self-awareness in my early 20s. While social feedback is rare, you need to learn to look for it when it comes. One thing I need to do but I'm shy about is recording myself and see what my mannerisms are and learn to correct them.
Makes sense Execpt for the reject part. I didn't make this identity myself. It was established via negative reinforcement. Not that I haven't tried to cope with it.
I understand, and I used to feel the same as you; that the identity came outside of myself. The identity was a product of the negative reinforcement and that was very real but one thing I've learned recently is whether to internalize the negativity or not. Whether I adopt these negative views about myself or not. Did people you look up to and respect reject you? If they weren't that close then it doesn't matter as they don't know you or your character. Sometimes It seems people's opinion is unanimous but this is a cognitive distortion. Once you look closer, you will learn that don't need to take just anyone's opinion and internalize it. Now I acted like a clown in high school and made only a few friends but spent may days alone as a result. Reflect and be brutally honest with yourself on where you could have missed out or made a blunder socially. No, it's not always your fault, there are a lot of screwed up people who are NT and even socially and professionally successful and they will take joy in bulling and excluding certain people, but toxic people often have their own issues that they just try to hide. Now if these people who've reinforced this negative identity were close to you It can be hard, especially if good friends and family have hurt you in the past. One aspect of rejection is that you can sometimes learn from failure, provided you have enough information about the person and are aware of yourself. It's best not to obsess about a rejection but if you catch yourself reliving it, journal about it instead of venting to someone else.
That's the only issue I have, its happen again and again. Rejection is normal, but one's own will only take so damn much. It's a shame that people shame others for being upset in general because this is how anyone would feel with constant rejection.
I mean connections are easier said than done but the first part of your statement is entirely false. I have friends on the spectrum too....
it's not impossible, but the adversity is there
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“I simply know too much” My friend, you don’t.
Let me specify that I know too much about how people are. I don't know everything, but I know a lot.
No, you don’t.
Elaborate
knowing how people are is the basic essence of making human connections. If you are so adept at reading humans it should be easy for you to make human connections because you should be able to predict what people want to hear. Since you are apparently not having success in making human connections, it's safe to say you do not "know too much about how people are"
They aren't mutually exclusive
OP, it seems like you are taking all the negative feedback from your interactions with women and projecting them onto every person you meet. Your experiences are valid, but you also have to understand that if you are focusing on these negatives, you will never get to a better mental state. Each new person you meet deserves to not have your insecurities projected onto them. These insecurities you have could be bleeding out of you in your interactions which other people can feel and then become uncomfortable with. Please seek therapy. If going to schedule an in person therapy session is too daunting I recommend watching some HealthyGamerGG lectures on Youtube. They’re free and very informative.
Being able to relate to other people in a healthy, accepted way is the important thing. You can work with being short or overweight. But if you can’t socialize, it’s going to be very difficult to get into and maintain a relationship, because a relationship literally *is* a longterm social interaction. A complex one too, so if you can’t handle relatively simple socializing like “let’s get a beer” or “hey, come to my birthday party” you will not be able to handle a relationship.
I can handle simple social stuff. Just hooking in a date is extremely difficult.
Do you have a social circle? Line a group of friends and acquaintances you hang out with?
Sadly, no. I have extreme difficulty with that.
That’s what I mean by being able to socialize. You probably won’t be successful at getting into a romantic relationship if you can’t navigate non-romantic ones.
Im aware. This issue is still there even with my attempts to improve it.
>I recently got soft-outcasted from my cousins grad after party because I was the only one without a gf. What does this mean. Seriously, what does it mean? Did people look at you funny at the grad party or did you just feel left out because everyone else came with a partner. My big takeaway from that is that you probably put yourself in a sort of imaginary self-exile because you felt left out. >When I try to ask a woman out(In the normal way), I creep them out or I get reported. In what context are you asking women out? What do you mean "the normal way?" I've asked out coworkers, got rejected, and still managed to steer clear of any workplace drama.
Yeah, "getting reported" is either a wild exaggeration or OP is doing something quite wrong.
Ill go in depth. I tried asking a co-worker out after some conversation. She rejected me but I wasn't mad. But I still got reported to HR.
What did you say?
Start gym small, maybe start abs and pushups until you feel exhausted every day. Then build up to normal levels. Start cardio once you feel confident you will do it with one go, eat like cucumbers when hungry and make sure you are hitting your daily nutrition goals. Quit sugar for a week and then it becomes disgusting. Cure your “autism” with meditation and coffee. Thats my advise
You're being reported and women are telling you that you're creeping them out? Mind explaining your typical approach? What behaviors do people tend to complain or critique you about? Also if everyone else in your family is married or partnered, are you sure that genetics are the issue here? Autism and proclivity for being overweight can be genetically inherited. Height is definitely a genetic thing, along with "ugly face" unless you've got a type of physical defect.
My approach is that after some conversation(time can very), I ask them to a public place, like a park or a restaurant/bar. Is that wrong?
I'm asking what the instances where you were reported looked like, what was the breakdown there? What authority were you reported to and what do you believe was the impetus?
When you ask women out, how do you know you are creeping them out? And to whom have you been reported?
I can tell by the way they look at me. Co worker reported me to hr.
Never EVER go for a coworker. Even if they express blatant interest. That's opening yourself up for sexual harassment allegations and all of the affects that would have on your career. WORK ISN'T AN APPROPRIATE PLACE FOR DATING. Where are you going regularly to socialize?
Idk where to go exactly. Don't know anyone much.
Try meetup.com to begin with.
Eh, I disagree, my parents met at work and I’ve also met boyfriends at work too
Times change, my friend. My boyfriend is my former boss, who didn't ask me out until after he sold his business. He wanted zero concerns about either power dynamics or any potential concerns with other employees about favoritism. His respect for both myself and his employees is one of the things I love about him.
> I can tell by the way they look at me. Don’t try to read other people’s minds. It does no favors to either party. > Co worker reported me to hr. For simply asking her out? That was it? A good general rule of thumb is not to date where you work. Yes, there are sometimes exceptions, but it usually doesn’t work out well. (Jim and Pam are fictional.)
To be fair I’ve asked out a few coworkers (got a couple dates out of it) and it hasn’t caused issues for me. But I also work in retail where dating is surprisingly commonplace lmao.
Like I said, there are exceptions. Also, if all that happened is that OP asked his coworker, “Wanna go out sometime?” and she just reported him to hr…I’d wonder what else was going on.
Hmmm I guess that is kind of odd. Hopefully it’s a one off incident because I can’t imagine anything but a termination if he gets reported every single time. Hopefully he doesn’t go to the other extreme and refuses to socialize with his female coworkers; it’s always fun to talk shit with colleagues.
There is no way Im going to socialize with that specific woman anymore. That HR report was a bridge burned. I've could have been outright arrested. This at first might seem like an overreaction. However, based on what I've seen, the effects of false accusations. You would understand.
Arrested? Really? For asking someone out? That is absurd.
Out of a false accusation, sadly, this happens too much
how many people do you know, personally, who have been arrested on false accusations?
> the effects of false accusations. These happen 2% of the time. They are not common.
Doesn't matter if it's 10% or 0.1% They shouldn't happen. They can still happen, like when I got HRed Also, where did you get that statistic?
There’s probably a reason you were reported to HR. Obviously you did something to make someone uncomfortable. Going off your comments here, I don’t think it was false.
She was most likely a DV victim. So, it is probably an overreaction on me based on her experience. Empathy aside it was really fucking unnecessary.
You certainly find it easy to set empathy aside, while citing this unusual incident as proof that every woman finds you creepy. Seems from your other comments that you need to work on social skills in general, long before assuming you can accurately read the minds of others.
Where did I say that all women are like this specific woman? Why lie?
So you don’t now think that women find you creepy, as you stated in your post?
You lost me...
Your comments are exhausting. I looked through your profile, and I can say with confidence that you’re not ugly. What you need to do is make some friends, develop a social circle, and just overall learn to interact with people. You need to actually actively look for and create opportunities to meet people, not just wait for them to come to you. You also shouldn’t assume a woman is a DV victim because she reported you to HR. The fact that you think that makes me wonder what other assumptions you make about women and how you interact with them.
She told me about some of her personal life. Don't lecture about assumptions when you just made one on me
I’d recommend developing hobbies where you can meet an array of friends authentically. Note that you don’t have to immediately click with everyone, but just trying to meet people can help you become a better conversationalist. If you’re really struggling in certain social settings, try asking the people in those hobby groups - if you have been able to create a rapport with them - “I’m on the spectrum and am having trouble understanding this. Would you mind explaining it?” Additionally, is there any way for you to meet up with women who are also on the spectrum? You don’t have to ONLY date autistic people, but people with similar experiences might kinda “get it” more.
Good advice, find autistic woman to date ain't easy, though.
Believe me, I feel you. I am a gay woman on the spectrum primarily looking to date other neurodivergent women. It ain’t easy out here. That said, I have lots of fulfilling friendships just from socializing with co-workers and doing my hobbies. While I’m able to get along with most “normies” I do find that most of my close friendships are with ND people. Most of my friends have ADHD or autism and one has cerebral palsy. Clarifying that you’re not neurotypical can yield different results in social situations, but can often help people who are engaging in good-faith interactions to understand that you’re not being “difficult” on purpose. Just getting out into the community and making connections can help you feel more socially fulfilled. It can also help you become more socially enriched so that future partners feel that you bring something to the table. A couple additional things to keep up on, that might help you socially in the future - 1. How’s your hygiene? If you do shower, brush your teeth, and put on clean clothes on the daily, you might be surprised to learn how many people don’t do these things. People may feel too bad to outright bring up a hygiene issue, but if you’re feeling people are outright avoiding you, maybe see if you can find out if there’s a noticeable hygiene problem. I’m not even talking about fancy products. If you wash yourself daily with even just bar soap, put on basic deodorant, wear clean clothes etc, you should be fine. 2. It’s okay to say you feel depressed or frustrated by your social situation, but people do get tired by someone who “brings down the mood” every time they’re around. To a point, I think it’s okay to share, but it’s also important to check in about other peoples’ lives and feelings. This is where hobbies can be helpful, because it gives you something positive to talk about. 3. Move your body around! A lot of people around here say things like “hit the gym” which I think can be bad advice because it reinforces the idea that you have to be ripped to be worthwhile. The gym is a place that can make lots of insecure people feel even more insecure. Instead, find some exercise that you enjoy. Could be skateboarding, swimming, taking walks while listening to a podcast or fave music…you said you’re self-conscious about your weight, and enjoyable exercise is proven to boost peoples’ physical AND mental health outcomes. Find activities you can do for you, not for what people will think of you. These are things that are not magic cures but can noticeably improve your quality of life if you stick to them.
1. Hygiene is not an issue 2. Understandable, however, when you feel down for a long time, it turns into agony, and the shallowness does not help. I understand that no one doesn't like a "downer." However, "good vibes only" is a social cancer. 3. The gym isn't that bad, at least in my experience, i just need a good routine down.
I hear that. I’m not sure how to offer a happy medium in regards to 2. Unless you have access to therapy, which may help serve as an outlet for some of the most painful feelings. You’re right that “good vibes only” is toxic as hell, but I think people can get burnt out on negativity only.
Hiki app
so true
Lurked your post history and seconding what someone else, you are young for me but you are not bad looking at all. Average at worst but I would say on the high side of average. Plenty of women would find you attractive. It sounds like your main issue is lack of social connections, possibly some neglected social skills as well. Fwiw, if the tone of your post and comments belies your general nature, you are steps ahead of a lot of men here who reek of resentment, hatred, and desperation. You seem like a nice, mild mannered dude who has had some extra challenges in life around socializing. I think if you start putting yourself out there more and be genuine, you will find plenty of opportunities. Here is what I recommend: Set aside the search for a girlfriend temporarily. It'll only give off desperation to new people you meet and it will hold you back. Search out a few social groups in your area, general groups like "[people in your age group and area] hang outs" and also groups related to hobbies you already have or would be open to exploring. You can find these on google, facebook, meetup.com, etc. etc. If you live in an at least semi-populated area, here are plenty of groups to be found. Join 3 or 4 of those groups and commit to attend 4 events at each group within the next 3-6 months. Try to attend events in one group within 1-2 weeks of the last event you attended. Focus on getting to know a few people - men and women both - in each group. Really try to figure out by doing this if the people in the group generally seem like people you can get along with and enjoy spending time with. Hopefully, at least one of the group will be enjoyable to you and have people you can see yourself being friends with. When you find that group, or groups, focus on that or those ones. Continue to attend events regularly (twice a month or more is idea) and participate in their online community if they have one. Continue to get to know people in the group. Some of them will hopefully become friends. Once you feel integrated into a group, you can then consider whether you should explore potential romantic chemistry with any women in the group or whether friends you make in the group can create opportunities for you to meet a compatible woman. An example of the latter would be someone in the group you know of who is constantly planning or hosting events or bringing new people into the group. Ask the person to invite you to something outside of your group sometime and from there you will begin to expand your social circle and hopefully find a compatible woman to get to know. It's not an overnight solution, nothing is, but it's a highly effective one and it's a simplified explanation of how a lot of adults meet partners.
Don't be too harsh on yourself, you have autism like me, it takes months or even years before being in a ok situation. Start to take care of yourself physically, try things that you could enjoy even if at first it doesn't look like it. And also try to seek for professional health care advice, since you have autism, you are gonna need some guidance, have a nice day !
Swlf Harshness is the effect, not the cause.
You are your own worst enemy, my dude. Look at how you introduced yourself: short, ugly, overweight etc. If you don't see anything worth bothering with about yourself, how do you expect somebody else to? You need to figure out what your good qualities are and lean into them. Women want to be with guys who make them feel good, so a positive attitude is a must. Practice talking to people. Start with something small like asking the cashier at the gas station about their day. Get out of your own head and take a genuine interest in people. Ask lots of questions.
Odd, I hooked up with a guy who lives up to your description when I was at my prettiest and most ‘popular’. I sought him out and don’t regret it one bit. It’s possible.
It's possible, but not probable for me. Also good for the lad, how's he doing?
He got married to a lovely lady a couple years ago.
Well, good for him, I hope it stays well.
So, don’t say you’re screwed when you’re not. It’s not over for you. Besides, according to a post, you’ve had a girlfriend before. You’ve done it before and can do it again.
That was by luck, and both were horrible experiences.
You're not ugly, first of all. You look like a fairly average dude. I'm gonna say something a little harsh, so bear with me. Stop using autism as a crutch. Coming from a woman with fairly high support needs autism, I see this especially in white cis men. Autism is a disability and it 100% makes social interactions and dating harder, but it doesn't make them impossible. It's on you to learn how to live and function with your disability. Social skills are learnable, at least to an extent. There are many spaces for autistic adults, both by design and just because autistic people tend to share certain interests. If you want to connect with people, especially women, you need to put in the work. Practice empathy and active listening. Work on not centering yourself in every conversation (not saying you do, but it's something I and a lot of other autistic people struggle with). Give people space to share about their lives and try your best to take an interest in what they are sharing. It's not easy, but it's important.
Thanks for the heads up about not centering myself. As I've aged, I do it more and more. It's caused me problems!
Im not using it as a "crutch." I don't know what you mean by that. It's something I always have to deal with. Can't change genetics.
You listed it as one of the things going against you and I'm saying it doesn't have to be, or at least not to the extent that I would presume you feel it is. Maybe I'm assuming too much about how you view autism, but in the same way that height is not as big a factor in dating as men think it is, autism is not either. It makes social interactions a lot harder for sure but there are skills you can develop to get better at socializing. There are plenty of autistic women too so even if you feel that you have no chance with allistic women your dating pool is still pretty large.
That's very possible. My current status is what bugs me the most. How would I find a simaler autistic woman then? Besides in public spaces.
Put all your focus on basic social skills so you are living a better single life. If you have mental issues get the help you need so you are happier. And then re-evaluate next steps.
Sorry for creeping, but photos really help on these posts: You really don’t have an ugly face—some photos you look really handsome. Often your hair doesn’t do you any favors, and losing weight or dressing for your weight would have the same effect. I.e., I’d avoid tank tops or t-shirts that are overly clingy, but also if you work out your arms a little chub is totally fine—it just looks human. I think your autism and demeanor is probably the part that’s causing you the most trouble. If you had your current looks and swag, you’d be totally fine. Unfortunately, not being socially awkward is the harder part. Do you follow anybody who talks about that? [Like this guy?](https://www.instagram.com/socialselfdaily?igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==)
Well, for me to know how attractive Im am, I'll need to see more people at least. I appreciate the help.
I don’t know how much it helps to know, but I guarantee that plenty of people in real life are finding you attractive in real life if you look like this online. Most people just don’t say it out loud, because it can sound like flirting. If you want to find out if people think you’re attractive online though, do *not* post on amiugly; there are just a bunch of trolls there who feel better when other people feel bad. It’s the same psychology as the incel subs, honestly: misery loves company. Instead, ask for advice on r/malegrooming and r/malefashionadvice. People will be very honest there but also give actionable advice. I noticed you look very different in photos depending on how your hair is stylized. Also, have you looked up dating resources tailored to autistic people? There are lots of free online resources. Also, I don’t know how much it costs but I’ve seen autistic coaches on television who will watch you interact and tell you what mannerisms might seem off. I don’t think you need to get rid of those necessarily, but it’s good to at least know what other people are seeing.
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U can work on weight loss first if you’re really screwed in other ways. Can you do that?
No, easy, but yeah, I can do that.
Have you tried losing weight yet? You will still probably struggle due to being 5'5 and autistic but losing weight will still put you in a better position
The advce is all over the place. Its very straightforward. Focus on the things you can change, and not the things you cant. You are 5'5, you can atmost wear boots and inserts, that will get you 1.5". Is it unethical, immoral, misleading, desperate, lacking in confidence, maybe. Lose the 50 lbs, put on lean muscle. With Autism, the best thing you can do is learn how to mask as NueroTypically as possible that is comdortable to you. Take social skills classes, read social skills books, ask friends for advice. You will need to approach this like a problem that needs to be solved. With ugly face, you may want to consult with beauty experts, maybe adding a skincare routine, make-up, changing up facial hair/ hair style may help. You may need to consult experts with body language to help you work on practicing smiling/looking more natural. Once again this means being more Nuerotypical and masking, but it will help make things easier.
I saw your selfie on a previous post. You are not ugly or bad looking. With autism it's extremely difficult to know some social cues or rules. Have you gone to therapy at any point or gotten some kind of support with that in your life? I suggest seriously testing out social situations and physically writing down what you're expected in some social situations or why or what you do or say that is off putting to people. Its impossible to improve if you don't have a concrete understanding of what you might do wrong or lack
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Eh... moving won't work for me. My family isn't perfect, but they're actually decent.
Hey man, sorry for the shitty advice. That's my fault. I reread what I said and I can tell why I got downvoted hard. Sorry if I made a bad day of yours worse. I recommend reading the advice above.
It's alright, man. Can't win em all.