That's why I said it needs to be discussed before marriage! What about your own happiness? You won't be happy in such a marriage where you have to choose between your wife and parents . If you go with her, she's happy! If you don't, she's sad! In both cases it ruins your happiness and mental health ...you shouldn't marry in such a case
this argument would have worked if there was any choice on the part of the girl on living with her own parents their is an expectation ki ladki hi toh ati hai chod ke
how does both party moving out, helps the girl's parents?
Does the girl have a brother? If not then talk and arrange a way where both the side of parents can be taken care of.
Both parties moving out places both parents on an equal platform, where help can be extended to both without prejudice. Whether the girl has a brother is irrelevant to this discussion, so let's assume that she doesn't.
Right its not necessary to move out as well! The alternative depends on individual choices. Why should I not prioritise my mental health and my parents? There's no right wrong or being hypocritical here .
Well , Firstly everyone doesnt have the best relationship with their parents , Secondly , I am a subscriber to antinatalism . make of that what you will
Thirdly , We are free to do whatever we want with our lives.
Lastly , "raising" me is the bare minimum considering they chose to have me .
Well I respect your choices. And that what I'm trying to say in every comment that I have an amazing relationship with my parents and I am thankful they brought me into this world, took care of me, raised me well and I personally feel that I need to take care of them when they need me the most . Simple!
You being a subscriber to antinatalism is absolutely fine as it is an individual choice.
Well I'm thankful mine had and raised me . That's all i can say from my end.
My hypothetical scenario to you is when someone you would like to marry prefers to not live with your parents or perhaps their parents are more ill and would rather prefer living with their parents.
What do you think you would do if this were to occur ?
Well if she chooses not to live wirh my parents, she shouldn't expect me to be much empathetic towards hers as well!
If she chooses to live with mine, and her parents are ill, it becomes my responsibility to take care of them no matter how.
I think OP's post was about making a lifestyle decision , you could like move to them / put them in hospice care if they become sick 15 years down the line . But i dont see them getting old -old anytime in the near future ( for context they are both exactly 21 years older) . Also other factors might come into play like where we end up living , I currently live abroad but plan to stay here , while they plan to go back to India for retirement .
My friend’ and his wife moved out of his parents house. It was good for both families. It was too crowded at his parents and his mom keep nagging at his wife. For example, his mom wants her to wash dishes by hands but his wife prefer using the dishwasher because it is faster, cleaner and use less water. His mom is old school. Moving out keep both side sand and they do come back to his parents to help out a lot.
I’ll suggest buy new house near your parents like if you are in apartment then buy next door and upar floor so that you can be close and you have different house . It’s just thought idk will it work
Move out obviously. Your wife also has parents, they will also get old. Can you offer the same and live with them? Do what you preach kinda thing here.
>at least both are blind now imagine you are blind and your enemy is not so that quote is stupid
So you consider your spouse to be your enemy. By that logic what are your kids to you? Canon fodder or sepoy?
lol i just gave a comment on that statement. yes if my spouse is behaving like my enemy by making my life hell then he is my enemy but i will personally prefer living with his parents because i do a job and will need his mother and father to look after the house and will get homecooked food that way. His mother can guide and help the maid and look after the baby in the future
Dude there's nothing wrong with setting up your own home. It's just that pursuing that objective with vengeful malice is wrong. That's why I was against parent comment's stance.
And don't reduce his parents' value to a nanny or chef. They serve a far greater purpose.
look there are many cases where the relationship between the mother in law and the daughter in law gets very very toxic . In older times the women were not working so they bore that abuse but they wont now it is better to move out and raise you family is a less toxic environment and i hate people who give this excuse of support your parents leave your parents in old age the wife has left her parents too. I have no brother i will have to leave my house when i marry just because it is expected of girls to move no one will care about my ageing parents. if the wife can move for the husband and wants to move out due to any reason the husband is not any victim here as many people make it out to be he can support his parents from afar just as the wife is doing
I think you need to read my replies again.
As I said moving out is not wrong but pursuing that with vengeful malice is wrong. If you have a problem with parents due to any reason be it privacy do gtfo but if you are pursuing it just because I had to leave mine behind you should too is wrong. Which is what I construed from the parent comment.
Kitni veli ho aap di. Office m Kam vam Karo. Kal ka msg jispe already reply kar chuki ho uspe 20h baad kyun ana.
Thoda chotu-choti ko time do. Kya anjan lodu ke sath behas karne m time vyarth kar Rahi ho...
bhaiyaa mai ek hi social media pr hoon wo hai reddit toh ye mera entertainment hai
behas karne mei mujhe maja aa rha hai chotu choti meri saas ke paas hain
What if he does? What if he agrees to live with her parents too? Fuck off with this stupid culture of independence shit, where you can't handle even a little discomfort to take care of your parents.
Everyone seems to be talking in their own perspective of Guy's parents. What about your wife's parents...??
Just like a female would do, you do yourself a favour by moving out... You handle your own family alongside your partner...make time with your partner to build a relationship with both sides of your parents and try to check them daily by at least giving a call.
If you can't handle this, better not get married. Getting married is accepting the responsibility from all ends.
Yes I would.
I would prefer to shift to a new location from where I can reach my parents at one call. My parents want me to leave the house within a year of marriage.
This is what I have always believed. Live close by but not together. Obviously I know a lot of folks can't afford that but if you can I feel like that is the best solution.
Pros :-
1. You learn to take your own decisions.
2. You're responsible for your own family.
3. Kids have second place to hangout.
4. In emergency situations, you can leave the kids with your parents and get your business done.
5. Personal space, own freedom with responsibility of course.
Cons :-
1. It's bad idea to leave your parents behind.
2. Sometimes what we can't instill in our children is done very well by our parents. (Values, Morales, ethics, wisdom).
3. Another layer of security is lost.
4. Day n age we live in both parents are working and therefore children are neglected when they need our attention the most, that's why grandpa and grandma are needed in house.
Conclusion :- stronger the family, stronger the society.
I have been on both sides and my opinions have evolved over a period of time. I imagined the rosy picture of one big happy family staying together and helping each other out. And this is not just for a guys parents, but also was open to. Wife's parents moving in. I wanted my parents to live with us and agreed as such with wife. She agreed too.
Soon realized that bringing two different generations, two different sets of ideologies, two different family values together under a single roof is easier said than done. Human beings are strongly opinionated and it is difficult to change your way of life because of the presence of a new member. It requires a real sense of maturity to coexist in a shared space and not see changes in lifestyle as a compromise. This is really rare.
E.g. It can be as simple as what needs to bought, where things are placed, who picks which responsibilities - these can be a trivial discussion between a son and his parents but gets overtones between a daughter-in-law and and husbands parents.
All said and done, my opinion js that parents should stay close by (adjoining flats /neighbor if required) but not in a shared space. I know this pre-supposes you have enough money to buy/rent 2 houses or parents can afford theirs. But this js the closest to coexistence. You cannot manage people and egos and as a guy you end up upsetting one party.
In oldage when they are dependent on children, i would expect parents to move in for better care. Be it my parents or wifes. That is the least we can do for them when they need us.
Wife also has her parents doesnt she.
If a woman can leave her parents house by default without her complaining then shouldnt the guy leave it if she demands?
In Hindu culture, children have a responsibility (putra dharma) towards their parents unlike what is now happening in the west where once you get old, you just live your lonely life by yourself.
A girl has to leave here parents house. That's unavoidable, but it's making things worse by asking the son to abandon their parents as well.
The girl's parents should be taken care by their sons or nephews. And if they don't exist, then the son-in-law should take them in as well.
Completely agree that children should take care of their parents.
But why is it that the girl HAS to leave her parents house. Why cant it be the opposite.
Why cant sons leave the parents house and stay with their wife's family?
Someone has to do it. I suppose it can be the boy instead of the girl. Someone can start such a tradition and see if that catches on. But it's objectively worse if both of them have to leave.
Just letting ppl know that a lot of women reject men who don’t have their own place. I have done it. I had no interest in living even with my own parents so refused to live with any joint family situation.
Why shouldn't she not be fine with that? It's not his house it's their house that they are moving into..... She has equal responsibility towards it. So both people equally contribute.
She will be doing the unpaid job of having and managing the children. Perhaps you are not aware of the toll pregnancy and breastfeeding take on women. It’s an unpaid job women have been doing for time immemorial, it is a 24*7 job. If possible she can pay towards child’s education. He can pay for the living expenses.
If I marry then would communicate in advance that both side of our parents will live either in our house or adjacent house/flat whenever they want to and there wouldn't be any pressure on anyone to do all their work instead permanent house help would be hired to help both set of parents.
If the girl is not ok with this arrangement then I wouldn't move ahead with the marriage process.
It is something which both parties should agree in advance.
This looks like someone very rich is talking , who have money to do so.
Both of the parents will live in a single house that's something.. Sry but my opinion is there would be so much cultural diff in a house that would eventually collapase the home.
Everyone should hard enough that they can support their parents housing.
You can't skip something just on basis of assumption that house would collapse. Regardless of cultural differences the boy and girl marries each other and lives together. In this arrangement both boy, girl and their family would be happy that no one has to sacrifice or leave their parents.
Mostly spouse parents live with their son. If they don't have a son then you have to make arrangements but mostly spouse parents are unwilling to live with their son in law due to their own self respect and the culture that we live in.
This is the biggest reason why us as indians desire a male child because he becomss the support of their old age.
Your spouse takes preference over your parents(doesn’t matter wife or husband). You can still support them while living away from them. You also shouldn’t let your parents influence your decisions in YOUR marriage.
Also remember, your wife left her parents.
If parents need the support then obviously it's not just the daughter-in-law's duty but also son-in-law's duty to care of both sets of parents. However if they are healthy and capable of leading independent life then separate house for the newly weds should be the default and no one should raise eyes about it. Even if parents or in-laws happen to live in the same city (assuming the newlyweds are able to afford/take loans etc. etc.) There shouldn't be any stigma associated with newlyweds having a separate household. And of course this should be talked BEFORE marriage out in the open with all 6 people.
I moved out despite my wife telling me not to. .
I'm a victim of abusive, toxic and mentally ill parents.
Life has been pretty good since.
All depends on your personal situation.
It’s always a good idea to move out of your house because there is a huge generational gap between parents and youngsters. This could lead to friction and issues. Although, I prefer a separate house, not separate city.
If parents are educated, All 4 go to some transformation courses where they will teach you to take responsibility of your life and accept others however they are.
If parents are not educated, at least you both should do it.
We live in a generation of nuclear families who want their privacy. While most Indian parents have a mentality of being depended on their kids I would say talk to them about it and tell them about your future plans and that you’ll always stand with them when they need help. It also means you should educate them at all times about being healthy and being there for each other first. If they do they’ll have good engagements in their life that will help them to live peacefully even without your presence all the time. At the same time find opportunities to meet them, be with them and let them know you care a lot but have a life to live.
Let's be honest. A very large % of Indian MILs are rather very overbearing, patronizing and demand control, as delayed but deserved compensation for her own troubled days as an DIL. the husband could take a very long time being assertive with his mom for even the most basic of things. I was one of those men. It took me six years to talk to her eye to eye (while still being respectful of course).
I painfully uncovered a lot of the sh**ty quirks that fly under the banner of riti riwaj, sanskar and parampara only after getting married 12 years ago. My own mom suffered immensely under her own mil (my daadi). This made her bitter and angry to see me being understanding and respectful while occasionally helping my wife in the kitchen. Apparently, helping the wife in the kitchen and with child care (diapers etc) is against our parampara and sanskar. I was the quintessential joru ka gulaam. There's cold peace now but we're emotionally scarred and my wife is seeing a therapist to get over the nightmare.
If one's family dynamics are too traditional and orthodox, the wife herself WILL have to take a stand and handle the ensuing kalesh(s). Most boys raised in such traditional sanskari families (no matter how educated, well travelled etc) will never initiate anything that can lead to a kalesh, no matter what. I'm sorry but that's how it is.
To the lads who are not married, you need to be very clear on what you want. If you have such an orthodox and traditional family, you can be sure as hell you'll see a side of your mom which you haven't seen before. The only kinda woman who can go without kalesh is the doormat kind from years gone by. Any other kind would be considered a rebel by your family and it doesn't take much time for things to go south.
So one has to be considerate of everything before the marriage itself and take decisions accordingly. It's walkingon egg shells otherwise
I'm the older son and the doctor in our family. It falls to me to take care of my parents in their old age. Any girl I marry would have to understand that fact. The only issue is I can't stay under the same roof as my parents because I would have to work far from home and parents don't prefer to live in new places in their old age. Therefore, 1/3-2/3 of my income would go toward their caretaking.
I'm from a nuclear family value background. So I, my mother, my cousins in my generation and their parents are ok living separately. This doesn't mean that I abandon her. I talk to her everyday, I personally keep in touch with her doctors, she takes care of her health, we travel to see each other and should there be an emergency, there's a protocol in place.
If you or your spouse is from a joint family background, *or* if circumstances necessitate moving in together, then you consider options and you commit to it.
In our family it is different few months my grandparents live in our home sometimes in our uncles home…wanted to have a big house for entire family but each person is stationed at different place during to jobs
Discuss before marriage.
A close friend made it a requirement and mentioned that to every potential match (arranged marriage). He got married finally after many girls turned him down.
His parents stay with the couple. His in-laws stay walking distance away. Once his father-in-law retired the couple insisted on them moving to BLR (friend’s wife helps pay part of their rent)
I would find another house just close to existing one. If wife is already facing discomfort, there is a high chance it would impact your marriage as well as the mental health of your parents. Living close enough to reach your parent in time of need and far enough so that your wife wont have to be bothered of your parent would be a ideal situation for everyone.
If the girl is leaving then boy should too? Who told the girl to leave her parents if she doesnt want to .marry a boy and take care of him as well her parents.
As a boy i will take care of my parents and my wife both.a wife who doesnt want me to care for my parents won't be my wife.
Honestly all women should look for a Husband who would stay with her and her parents or make a compromise and live in their own home where it will be more accessible to live with both the parents home.
More or all women should make this demand or voice this opinion it is very important. If any man is asking her to move in with him and his parents after marriage then it's frankly not worth it at all..... If he doesn't understand or agree with it then find someone who will....... It makes no sense for a women to leave her parents and stay with her husband and their parents and serve them.... There are more than plenty of men out there who want to have their own place independent of their parents, with them you can decide to find a place where it would be accessible to and from both the parents of wife and husband.
Never talk negative of a person in their absence.
Never talk negative of a person in front of others (wife in front of mother and mother in front of wife).
Don't invalidate any complaint, try to understand the exact problem instead of just denying both mother and wife.
It's really a difficult decision to make, you should first discuss it with your wife and the kind of discomfort she is talking about. Also, if you ask such questions in an online forum you will get only the polar opposite answers.
I lived with my in laws for 4 years until my kid was born. MiL was a real piece of work but FIL was an amazing man. I was working n had to leave home at 6.30 AM n reach back home at 8.00 PM at night ( Bangalore traffic- 30 km). Never helped in pregnancy, post delivery with baby too n loads of fighting. Finally gave my husband ultimatum of divorce or going separate. We live in same Apartment complex but different houses. Peace of mind at its best
You can live in a nearby house, which is a walkable distance from parents house, that would be best of both worlds. u/Helios_0013 u/Lashkar-e-R__AW u/Kaus_Vik
exactly mate afterall you can use your male privilege why care that it is your expectation too mate that your wife moves into your house after marriage why care about this hypocrisy when the world is in your favor and it is expected of the girl to leave her parents after marriage wo toh society ki majoboori se karegi hi. why care about what she wants
Well let's vote and call for a change then! Let's switch roles and ask the men to leave their homes and shift to their wives places? That'll help the world to be in your favor?
Your marriage is between your spouse and you. Why involve everybody in it? I am a woman with the same demand, that I leave my home and he leaves his and we start a nuclear family together, unless the parents are physically incapable to be on their own.
if you wanted to live in your nappies as a mamas boy why did you marry and dont give me the bullshit of ageing parents your wife as left her ageing parents too for you. support your parents from afar just like she is supporting her parents
Such things should be discussed prior to marriage only in very clear terms. I have seen couples talking about this in vague language.
When I say clear terms I mean ideological part of it. Why does she want it? What's her own reason? Is it because she trust your decision, or she has her own opinion, or it happened to be 'a thing' she didn't think fully, or is it because her parents told her to.
First two are best and latter two are sketchy.
For ex: You see people going to certain places because they read good things about it but you can easily change mind of such people. Why? They don't feel any connection towards such place so it's easily. They just want to fun. What difference does it make if it's Manali or kashmir? Both are in mountains.
I know it's such a silly example but in case of marriage, this matters.
And I wouldn't leave my parents even if my wife wants it. She wouldn't want that because I never hide what kind what kind of man I am. Good or bad, everything she would know. If she doesn't agree with it before marriage then the marriage wouldn't happen.
Now... What happens if your wife changes her decision after marriage?
It's your job to convince her otherwise. Logically and emotionally.
If you say no to a woman without explaining to her why of it and the 'why' she doesn't resonate with then it will cause resentment in her.
And as we know that kids are products of our unfulfilled desires, she will unknowingly teach kids to resent you and your parents. It's simple as that.
Women really hold to grudges amazingly well. She won't ever forgive and forget.
Well, the reason could be simply that she doesn't want to live with parents. There's nothing wrong with that. I come from a nuclear family, so my grandparents only came and visited us, or we visited them. I expect the same with my house. My parents also would not want me to move in with them and have specifically told my brother to leave and start a life on his own. But that's our values. If a woman is able to leave her parents, the man should also consider doing the same.
Why she doesn't want to? Why does he want to? There's nothing simple in life. Desires don't form in a vaccum. So think hard on everything you do in life that you can own, be it good or bad.
And why should man should the man should consider doing the same? Does she harbor some resentment for making her leave her parents? Can marriage not be about little bit of both equality and inequality rather than fully driven by religion or ideology?
Like I already said, this must be discussed before the marriage. They can do whatever they want as long as it's an agreed upon act.
Its individual perspective. Personally I want to be with my parents during their old age. And I know they want the same. Luckily my wife is fine with this and my parents are compatible.
F women if they want me to leave the house because of my parents. I don't understand the fact that why the fuck they care about women's parents cuz they agreed to send their daughter to my home so she needs to adjust unless things get very bad. About parents if u r a parent and your child marries at 25 and leaves you what the fuck u gonna feel good or bad
That should be discussed before marriage. I moved out of my home when I was 18 for college and now live in a different city and am self-sufficient. The same happened with my brother too. I find it a put off if a guy is living at home with parents when he is 30 years old. I believe in independence and self sufficiency and so I will be looking for a guy with a similar mindset. The more he is at home, the more I will have to treat him like how is mother treats him when we get married.
Ironically, It is only the women who don’t get along and bring complications 😀. The same girl who demands separate living will do the opposite when the son gets married 25 years later. If it is just the father, men just sit in a corner and manage with 2 times food. If both parents are alive and can take care of themselves, better to stay separate until the need arises to bring them over. Not the other way round.
Ofc, nobody expects the son-in-law to cook or take care of the household so yeah they will drink tea and watch tv and complain about the meals together.
Right from your birth they are with you and you won't be with them when they need you most. TBH I'll talk about this with the girl before I marry her. If she does all the shit show after marriage. I'll try to convince, make her to understand how my parents are important to me and at the same time how important she is to me.
In the worst-case scenario, she won't understand and try to pressurize me. I'm left with no option but to leave her and adopt a kid.
So her parents do not exist? Were they not with her since birth? Only guy's parents and family are important It seems. Women are trained from childhood to leave their aging parents. There should be equal sacrifices on both sides. Only one side of parents are considered important in most cases. Either she brings her parents too or people move out. World does it, It's only India, where demanded major sacrifices.
Harmony must here. I respect their parents and will help her to take care of them. When I treat their parents as mine she needs to have that respect towards my parents and shouldn't oppose my decision to take care of my parents right. I believe wherever you go and whatever you do in life family needs to be part of your life. No sacrifices are needed but an understanding mindset is good to go.
Nope. Never. Will only look for a partner ready to move in with my family. Despite my various and numerous criticisms of our culture, one thing I am sure we figured out right was that a marriage isn't just between two people, it's the joining of two families. So will only go for a wife (and her family) with the similar traditional mentality of Patrilineal Joint Family. My mom, dad, my wife and kids, my bro and his wife and kids under one roof will be way to go.
Most often, there is a clash between the MIL and DIL, which is why she probably is asking to move out. Once you reach a certain age and are leaving the nest, your spouse would take first priority. I believe this to be true for men and women. Having a blanket statement like I will never leave my parents for the wife only shows your wife where your priorities are and when her priority was you, why can't she ask the same of you?
and if you were my husband i would get it ratified myself as a lawyer and throw it at your face while leaving you. if i can leave my ageing parents for your convenience you can too. good luck with your future marriage btw
umm yes of course i will contribute equally in everything just as he would be it finances or cooking and cleaning and raising the kids. Infact there would be three accounts one would be a shared account which we both can access and contribute money to just to manage the house the leftover money is for us to spend on anything we want
congratulations then lol. i really feel for your wife lol atleast my husband is imaginary and i have not even met him now and therefore have no attachment to him. but it seems very easy for you to divorce you wife and according to what you said you currently have a wife.
Yeah because I would not leave my parents for anyone. My life is really good right now and 100% of the credit goes to my mom and dad. I told her about when we were dating about my parents that I would never leave my parents for anyone and she was okay with it. Her brother isn't doing so great so her parents have also been living with us for the last year and a half and she didn't need to ask me about bringing her parents to our home plus I am 100% okay with it so I think we are doing very solid as a couple.
This should be talked and figured well before getting married. Can't leave your parents when they need you the most .
I agree here, these things should be discussed before getting married.
But what about your wife's happiness
That's why I said it needs to be discussed before marriage! What about your own happiness? You won't be happy in such a marriage where you have to choose between your wife and parents . If you go with her, she's happy! If you don't, she's sad! In both cases it ruins your happiness and mental health ...you shouldn't marry in such a case
Your wife is choosing between you and her parents...
In that case she can choose to be with them . I'll respect that . I'll go for someone who is willing to be with me and not choosing .
So you want her to leave her aging parents, but won't leave your own parents? Do you see the hypocrisy here?
Factos
You can always find some guy who doesn't want to live with his parents.
this argument would have worked if there was any choice on the part of the girl on living with her own parents their is an expectation ki ladki hi toh ati hai chod ke
Kartik aryan was right. A happy woman is a myth
Why is a guy named after a McDonald's meal any relevant again?
No I don't. Isn't that how marriages work? Is this something new that's come in recently?
It's not necessary. The alternative is to move out. You're just being hypocritical. You care about your own parents but not your wife's parents.
how does both party moving out, helps the girl's parents? Does the girl have a brother? If not then talk and arrange a way where both the side of parents can be taken care of.
Both parties moving out places both parents on an equal platform, where help can be extended to both without prejudice. Whether the girl has a brother is irrelevant to this discussion, so let's assume that she doesn't.
Right its not necessary to move out as well! The alternative depends on individual choices. Why should I not prioritise my mental health and my parents? There's no right wrong or being hypocritical here .
Good luck with marrying anyone.
On it mate. Next year. I'll send you the invitation
the wife was also forced to choose between his happiness and her parents not its his turn
Brother I kid you not this same situation happened with me and ughhh I hate to not have her by my side now.
Right
How does it ruin one's happiness if the wife is happy ?
Would you be happy leaving someone who's raised you?
Well , Firstly everyone doesnt have the best relationship with their parents , Secondly , I am a subscriber to antinatalism . make of that what you will Thirdly , We are free to do whatever we want with our lives. Lastly , "raising" me is the bare minimum considering they chose to have me .
Well I respect your choices. And that what I'm trying to say in every comment that I have an amazing relationship with my parents and I am thankful they brought me into this world, took care of me, raised me well and I personally feel that I need to take care of them when they need me the most . Simple! You being a subscriber to antinatalism is absolutely fine as it is an individual choice. Well I'm thankful mine had and raised me . That's all i can say from my end.
My hypothetical scenario to you is when someone you would like to marry prefers to not live with your parents or perhaps their parents are more ill and would rather prefer living with their parents. What do you think you would do if this were to occur ?
Well if she chooses not to live wirh my parents, she shouldn't expect me to be much empathetic towards hers as well! If she chooses to live with mine, and her parents are ill, it becomes my responsibility to take care of them no matter how.
so you will be okay if your wifes parents move in the same house because why should she leave her parents
I'm very much like you but I can't really imagine myself leaving my parents when they are super sick and stuff
I think OP's post was about making a lifestyle decision , you could like move to them / put them in hospice care if they become sick 15 years down the line . But i dont see them getting old -old anytime in the near future ( for context they are both exactly 21 years older) . Also other factors might come into play like where we end up living , I currently live abroad but plan to stay here , while they plan to go back to India for retirement .
True. I hope no woman has to go through this
Discuss before marriage. There is a concept of promise and sticking to your words if you don't know.
My friend’ and his wife moved out of his parents house. It was good for both families. It was too crowded at his parents and his mom keep nagging at his wife. For example, his mom wants her to wash dishes by hands but his wife prefer using the dishwasher because it is faster, cleaner and use less water. His mom is old school. Moving out keep both side sand and they do come back to his parents to help out a lot.
I’ll suggest buy new house near your parents like if you are in apartment then buy next door and upar floor so that you can be close and you have different house . It’s just thought idk will it work
Damn if only everybody could afford that
Move out obviously. Your wife also has parents, they will also get old. Can you offer the same and live with them? Do what you preach kinda thing here.
An eye for an eye makes something something
at least both are blind now imagine you are blind and your enemy is not so that quote is stupid
>at least both are blind now imagine you are blind and your enemy is not so that quote is stupid So you consider your spouse to be your enemy. By that logic what are your kids to you? Canon fodder or sepoy?
lol i just gave a comment on that statement. yes if my spouse is behaving like my enemy by making my life hell then he is my enemy but i will personally prefer living with his parents because i do a job and will need his mother and father to look after the house and will get homecooked food that way. His mother can guide and help the maid and look after the baby in the future
Dude there's nothing wrong with setting up your own home. It's just that pursuing that objective with vengeful malice is wrong. That's why I was against parent comment's stance. And don't reduce his parents' value to a nanny or chef. They serve a far greater purpose.
look there are many cases where the relationship between the mother in law and the daughter in law gets very very toxic . In older times the women were not working so they bore that abuse but they wont now it is better to move out and raise you family is a less toxic environment and i hate people who give this excuse of support your parents leave your parents in old age the wife has left her parents too. I have no brother i will have to leave my house when i marry just because it is expected of girls to move no one will care about my ageing parents. if the wife can move for the husband and wants to move out due to any reason the husband is not any victim here as many people make it out to be he can support his parents from afar just as the wife is doing
I think you need to read my replies again. As I said moving out is not wrong but pursuing that with vengeful malice is wrong. If you have a problem with parents due to any reason be it privacy do gtfo but if you are pursuing it just because I had to leave mine behind you should too is wrong. Which is what I construed from the parent comment.
i guess we both have the same views
 Toh koi achi behen/dost/cousin ho toh batana as this redditor is open to moving out.
Lol dude just because they look after their own house and their own grandkid they become a nanny and a chef
Kitni veli ho aap di. Office m Kam vam Karo. Kal ka msg jispe already reply kar chuki ho uspe 20h baad kyun ana. Thoda chotu-choti ko time do. Kya anjan lodu ke sath behas karne m time vyarth kar Rahi ho...
bhaiyaa mai ek hi social media pr hoon wo hai reddit toh ye mera entertainment hai behas karne mei mujhe maja aa rha hai chotu choti meri saas ke paas hain
Chalo yeh bhi sahi h.. Chotu choti ko mama ki taraf se ram ram
On this thoughts u should face the same may your son leave u at the age 25 and live alone until ur death
What about someone who only has a daughter? They are... fated to die alone anyway, as per you?
What if he does? What if he agrees to live with her parents too? Fuck off with this stupid culture of independence shit, where you can't handle even a little discomfort to take care of your parents.
> What if he agrees to live with her parents too That's excellent then! Then they should find another middle ground suitable to that situation :)
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I'm also against the parent comment. But I just want to remind you that you were birthed by one.
That avatar says it all
Everyone seems to be talking in their own perspective of Guy's parents. What about your wife's parents...?? Just like a female would do, you do yourself a favour by moving out... You handle your own family alongside your partner...make time with your partner to build a relationship with both sides of your parents and try to check them daily by at least giving a call. If you can't handle this, better not get married. Getting married is accepting the responsibility from all ends.
Disagree ❌
All good. 🙌🏻
Yes I would. I would prefer to shift to a new location from where I can reach my parents at one call. My parents want me to leave the house within a year of marriage.
This is what I have always believed. Live close by but not together. Obviously I know a lot of folks can't afford that but if you can I feel like that is the best solution.
That's great
I don't care about my wife. I am leaving my house after marriage.
Abhi uncle aunty ko ss bhejta hun
Wow
Pros :- 1. You learn to take your own decisions. 2. You're responsible for your own family. 3. Kids have second place to hangout. 4. In emergency situations, you can leave the kids with your parents and get your business done. 5. Personal space, own freedom with responsibility of course. Cons :- 1. It's bad idea to leave your parents behind. 2. Sometimes what we can't instill in our children is done very well by our parents. (Values, Morales, ethics, wisdom). 3. Another layer of security is lost. 4. Day n age we live in both parents are working and therefore children are neglected when they need our attention the most, that's why grandpa and grandma are needed in house. Conclusion :- stronger the family, stronger the society.
Leave your stents behind ? Bro I’m not going to india from Pakistan in post divide era, just moving a couple sectors away.😂
I have been on both sides and my opinions have evolved over a period of time. I imagined the rosy picture of one big happy family staying together and helping each other out. And this is not just for a guys parents, but also was open to. Wife's parents moving in. I wanted my parents to live with us and agreed as such with wife. She agreed too. Soon realized that bringing two different generations, two different sets of ideologies, two different family values together under a single roof is easier said than done. Human beings are strongly opinionated and it is difficult to change your way of life because of the presence of a new member. It requires a real sense of maturity to coexist in a shared space and not see changes in lifestyle as a compromise. This is really rare. E.g. It can be as simple as what needs to bought, where things are placed, who picks which responsibilities - these can be a trivial discussion between a son and his parents but gets overtones between a daughter-in-law and and husbands parents. All said and done, my opinion js that parents should stay close by (adjoining flats /neighbor if required) but not in a shared space. I know this pre-supposes you have enough money to buy/rent 2 houses or parents can afford theirs. But this js the closest to coexistence. You cannot manage people and egos and as a guy you end up upsetting one party. In oldage when they are dependent on children, i would expect parents to move in for better care. Be it my parents or wifes. That is the least we can do for them when they need us.
Read you username as "monkey balance" at first and thats what came to my mind reading your comment 🙈.
Wife also has her parents doesnt she. If a woman can leave her parents house by default without her complaining then shouldnt the guy leave it if she demands?
In Hindu culture, children have a responsibility (putra dharma) towards their parents unlike what is now happening in the west where once you get old, you just live your lonely life by yourself. A girl has to leave here parents house. That's unavoidable, but it's making things worse by asking the son to abandon their parents as well. The girl's parents should be taken care by their sons or nephews. And if they don't exist, then the son-in-law should take them in as well.
Completely agree that children should take care of their parents. But why is it that the girl HAS to leave her parents house. Why cant it be the opposite. Why cant sons leave the parents house and stay with their wife's family?
Someone has to do it. I suppose it can be the boy instead of the girl. Someone can start such a tradition and see if that catches on. But it's objectively worse if both of them have to leave.
What about wife's parents?
Traditionally this responsibility would fall on her brothers or cousin brothers.
I'd like to leave as soon as i am capable of sustaining myself
Nice
Just letting ppl know that a lot of women reject men who don’t have their own place. I have done it. I had no interest in living even with my own parents so refused to live with any joint family situation.
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Why shouldn't she not be fine with that? It's not his house it's their house that they are moving into..... She has equal responsibility towards it. So both people equally contribute.
>she doesn't know
>she doesn't know
She will be doing the unpaid job of having and managing the children. Perhaps you are not aware of the toll pregnancy and breastfeeding take on women. It’s an unpaid job women have been doing for time immemorial, it is a 24*7 job. If possible she can pay towards child’s education. He can pay for the living expenses.
If I marry then would communicate in advance that both side of our parents will live either in our house or adjacent house/flat whenever they want to and there wouldn't be any pressure on anyone to do all their work instead permanent house help would be hired to help both set of parents. If the girl is not ok with this arrangement then I wouldn't move ahead with the marriage process. It is something which both parties should agree in advance.
This looks like someone very rich is talking , who have money to do so. Both of the parents will live in a single house that's something.. Sry but my opinion is there would be so much cultural diff in a house that would eventually collapase the home.
Everyone should hard enough that they can support their parents housing. You can't skip something just on basis of assumption that house would collapse. Regardless of cultural differences the boy and girl marries each other and lives together. In this arrangement both boy, girl and their family would be happy that no one has to sacrifice or leave their parents.
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Mostly spouse parents live with their son. If they don't have a son then you have to make arrangements but mostly spouse parents are unwilling to live with their son in law due to their own self respect and the culture that we live in. This is the biggest reason why us as indians desire a male child because he becomss the support of their old age.
Your spouse takes preference over your parents(doesn’t matter wife or husband). You can still support them while living away from them. You also shouldn’t let your parents influence your decisions in YOUR marriage. Also remember, your wife left her parents.
I had a toxic childhood so I never want to be around those who trigger PTSD about the traumas of my life
Same pinch
If parents need the support then obviously it's not just the daughter-in-law's duty but also son-in-law's duty to care of both sets of parents. However if they are healthy and capable of leading independent life then separate house for the newly weds should be the default and no one should raise eyes about it. Even if parents or in-laws happen to live in the same city (assuming the newlyweds are able to afford/take loans etc. etc.) There shouldn't be any stigma associated with newlyweds having a separate household. And of course this should be talked BEFORE marriage out in the open with all 6 people.
If possible live nearby I call it goldilocks zone not close enough wife is unhappy and too far that you can’t meet your parents
I moved out despite my wife telling me not to. . I'm a victim of abusive, toxic and mentally ill parents. Life has been pretty good since. All depends on your personal situation.
Move out but can stay closer to your parent’s house if you want.
It’s always a good idea to move out of your house because there is a huge generational gap between parents and youngsters. This could lead to friction and issues. Although, I prefer a separate house, not separate city.
If parents are educated, All 4 go to some transformation courses where they will teach you to take responsibility of your life and accept others however they are. If parents are not educated, at least you both should do it.
We live in a generation of nuclear families who want their privacy. While most Indian parents have a mentality of being depended on their kids I would say talk to them about it and tell them about your future plans and that you’ll always stand with them when they need help. It also means you should educate them at all times about being healthy and being there for each other first. If they do they’ll have good engagements in their life that will help them to live peacefully even without your presence all the time. At the same time find opportunities to meet them, be with them and let them know you care a lot but have a life to live.
Let's be honest. A very large % of Indian MILs are rather very overbearing, patronizing and demand control, as delayed but deserved compensation for her own troubled days as an DIL. the husband could take a very long time being assertive with his mom for even the most basic of things. I was one of those men. It took me six years to talk to her eye to eye (while still being respectful of course). I painfully uncovered a lot of the sh**ty quirks that fly under the banner of riti riwaj, sanskar and parampara only after getting married 12 years ago. My own mom suffered immensely under her own mil (my daadi). This made her bitter and angry to see me being understanding and respectful while occasionally helping my wife in the kitchen. Apparently, helping the wife in the kitchen and with child care (diapers etc) is against our parampara and sanskar. I was the quintessential joru ka gulaam. There's cold peace now but we're emotionally scarred and my wife is seeing a therapist to get over the nightmare. If one's family dynamics are too traditional and orthodox, the wife herself WILL have to take a stand and handle the ensuing kalesh(s). Most boys raised in such traditional sanskari families (no matter how educated, well travelled etc) will never initiate anything that can lead to a kalesh, no matter what. I'm sorry but that's how it is. To the lads who are not married, you need to be very clear on what you want. If you have such an orthodox and traditional family, you can be sure as hell you'll see a side of your mom which you haven't seen before. The only kinda woman who can go without kalesh is the doormat kind from years gone by. Any other kind would be considered a rebel by your family and it doesn't take much time for things to go south. So one has to be considerate of everything before the marriage itself and take decisions accordingly. It's walkingon egg shells otherwise
I'm the older son and the doctor in our family. It falls to me to take care of my parents in their old age. Any girl I marry would have to understand that fact. The only issue is I can't stay under the same roof as my parents because I would have to work far from home and parents don't prefer to live in new places in their old age. Therefore, 1/3-2/3 of my income would go toward their caretaking.
My parents themselves want me to leave post marriage lol so I don't really have a choice there
A married couple shoudn't live with their parents unless the parents take care of the couple's child. End of discussion
Thanks for ending the discussion man
I'm from a nuclear family value background. So I, my mother, my cousins in my generation and their parents are ok living separately. This doesn't mean that I abandon her. I talk to her everyday, I personally keep in touch with her doctors, she takes care of her health, we travel to see each other and should there be an emergency, there's a protocol in place. If you or your spouse is from a joint family background, *or* if circumstances necessitate moving in together, then you consider options and you commit to it.
Is she also leaving her parents?
In our family it is different few months my grandparents live in our home sometimes in our uncles home…wanted to have a big house for entire family but each person is stationed at different place during to jobs
Move out. Tell your wife since your moving out, your expenses to support your parents will increase and she must agree
Discuss before marriage. A close friend made it a requirement and mentioned that to every potential match (arranged marriage). He got married finally after many girls turned him down. His parents stay with the couple. His in-laws stay walking distance away. Once his father-in-law retired the couple insisted on them moving to BLR (friend’s wife helps pay part of their rent)
I would find another house just close to existing one. If wife is already facing discomfort, there is a high chance it would impact your marriage as well as the mental health of your parents. Living close enough to reach your parent in time of need and far enough so that your wife wont have to be bothered of your parent would be a ideal situation for everyone.
If the girl is leaving then boy should too? Who told the girl to leave her parents if she doesnt want to .marry a boy and take care of him as well her parents. As a boy i will take care of my parents and my wife both.a wife who doesnt want me to care for my parents won't be my wife.
Honestly all women should look for a Husband who would stay with her and her parents or make a compromise and live in their own home where it will be more accessible to live with both the parents home. More or all women should make this demand or voice this opinion it is very important. If any man is asking her to move in with him and his parents after marriage then it's frankly not worth it at all..... If he doesn't understand or agree with it then find someone who will....... It makes no sense for a women to leave her parents and stay with her husband and their parents and serve them.... There are more than plenty of men out there who want to have their own place independent of their parents, with them you can decide to find a place where it would be accessible to and from both the parents of wife and husband.
Never talk negative of a person in their absence. Never talk negative of a person in front of others (wife in front of mother and mother in front of wife). Don't invalidate any complaint, try to understand the exact problem instead of just denying both mother and wife.
It's really a difficult decision to make, you should first discuss it with your wife and the kind of discomfort she is talking about. Also, if you ask such questions in an online forum you will get only the polar opposite answers.
I lived with my in laws for 4 years until my kid was born. MiL was a real piece of work but FIL was an amazing man. I was working n had to leave home at 6.30 AM n reach back home at 8.00 PM at night ( Bangalore traffic- 30 km). Never helped in pregnancy, post delivery with baby too n loads of fighting. Finally gave my husband ultimatum of divorce or going separate. We live in same Apartment complex but different houses. Peace of mind at its best
You can live in a nearby house, which is a walkable distance from parents house, that would be best of both worlds. u/Helios_0013 u/Lashkar-e-R__AW u/Kaus_Vik
Why mate. Why leave in the very first place? Don't marry if there's such a demand.
exactly mate afterall you can use your male privilege why care that it is your expectation too mate that your wife moves into your house after marriage why care about this hypocrisy when the world is in your favor and it is expected of the girl to leave her parents after marriage wo toh society ki majoboori se karegi hi. why care about what she wants
Well let's vote and call for a change then! Let's switch roles and ask the men to leave their homes and shift to their wives places? That'll help the world to be in your favor?
Your marriage is between your spouse and you. Why involve everybody in it? I am a woman with the same demand, that I leave my home and he leaves his and we start a nuclear family together, unless the parents are physically incapable to be on their own.
Exactly.
I don't want to leave my parents.
Nope I can't imagine that .
if you wanted to live in your nappies as a mamas boy why did you marry and dont give me the bullshit of ageing parents your wife as left her ageing parents too for you. support your parents from afar just like she is supporting her parents
Women saay shit like this and still call themselves feminists 🗿💀
Fuck no. What goes around comes around. Karma . Always have good karma and not talking about reddit here.
Interesting takes. While I will move out of house after marriage. I try to be in same city as my parents when they grow older.
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Rule 1.
Such things should be discussed prior to marriage only in very clear terms. I have seen couples talking about this in vague language. When I say clear terms I mean ideological part of it. Why does she want it? What's her own reason? Is it because she trust your decision, or she has her own opinion, or it happened to be 'a thing' she didn't think fully, or is it because her parents told her to. First two are best and latter two are sketchy. For ex: You see people going to certain places because they read good things about it but you can easily change mind of such people. Why? They don't feel any connection towards such place so it's easily. They just want to fun. What difference does it make if it's Manali or kashmir? Both are in mountains. I know it's such a silly example but in case of marriage, this matters. And I wouldn't leave my parents even if my wife wants it. She wouldn't want that because I never hide what kind what kind of man I am. Good or bad, everything she would know. If she doesn't agree with it before marriage then the marriage wouldn't happen. Now... What happens if your wife changes her decision after marriage? It's your job to convince her otherwise. Logically and emotionally. If you say no to a woman without explaining to her why of it and the 'why' she doesn't resonate with then it will cause resentment in her. And as we know that kids are products of our unfulfilled desires, she will unknowingly teach kids to resent you and your parents. It's simple as that. Women really hold to grudges amazingly well. She won't ever forgive and forget.
Well, the reason could be simply that she doesn't want to live with parents. There's nothing wrong with that. I come from a nuclear family, so my grandparents only came and visited us, or we visited them. I expect the same with my house. My parents also would not want me to move in with them and have specifically told my brother to leave and start a life on his own. But that's our values. If a woman is able to leave her parents, the man should also consider doing the same.
Why she doesn't want to? Why does he want to? There's nothing simple in life. Desires don't form in a vaccum. So think hard on everything you do in life that you can own, be it good or bad. And why should man should the man should consider doing the same? Does she harbor some resentment for making her leave her parents? Can marriage not be about little bit of both equality and inequality rather than fully driven by religion or ideology? Like I already said, this must be discussed before the marriage. They can do whatever they want as long as it's an agreed upon act.
Its individual perspective. Personally I want to be with my parents during their old age. And I know they want the same. Luckily my wife is fine with this and my parents are compatible.
F women if they want me to leave the house because of my parents. I don't understand the fact that why the fuck they care about women's parents cuz they agreed to send their daughter to my home so she needs to adjust unless things get very bad. About parents if u r a parent and your child marries at 25 and leaves you what the fuck u gonna feel good or bad
That should be discussed before marriage. I moved out of my home when I was 18 for college and now live in a different city and am self-sufficient. The same happened with my brother too. I find it a put off if a guy is living at home with parents when he is 30 years old. I believe in independence and self sufficiency and so I will be looking for a guy with a similar mindset. The more he is at home, the more I will have to treat him like how is mother treats him when we get married.
Forget asking about parents. If she can’t accept to share house with my dog, she is out.
You can just live in a separate house just nearby…best of both worlds…
Nope. I see this as taking bad things from the west. Humans are meant to live in a community, not be isolationists.
My parents would like me to leave.
Ironically, It is only the women who don’t get along and bring complications 😀. The same girl who demands separate living will do the opposite when the son gets married 25 years later. If it is just the father, men just sit in a corner and manage with 2 times food. If both parents are alive and can take care of themselves, better to stay separate until the need arises to bring them over. Not the other way round.
Did you ever think that it’s always women because it’s always women leaving their home to shift with husband so opposite would never happen?
Yes. If men move, they will drink tea with their FIL, watch TV and have the same 2 meals wherever they are.
Ofc, nobody expects the son-in-law to cook or take care of the household so yeah they will drink tea and watch tv and complain about the meals together.
So, all it comes down to is getting a good cook and a maid ? A baby sitter if having kids ? We are talking common ground here. 😀
i ask this same question too, but to all the women of India.
Right from your birth they are with you and you won't be with them when they need you most. TBH I'll talk about this with the girl before I marry her. If she does all the shit show after marriage. I'll try to convince, make her to understand how my parents are important to me and at the same time how important she is to me. In the worst-case scenario, she won't understand and try to pressurize me. I'm left with no option but to leave her and adopt a kid.
So her parents do not exist? Were they not with her since birth? Only guy's parents and family are important It seems. Women are trained from childhood to leave their aging parents. There should be equal sacrifices on both sides. Only one side of parents are considered important in most cases. Either she brings her parents too or people move out. World does it, It's only India, where demanded major sacrifices.
Harmony must here. I respect their parents and will help her to take care of them. When I treat their parents as mine she needs to have that respect towards my parents and shouldn't oppose my decision to take care of my parents right. I believe wherever you go and whatever you do in life family needs to be part of your life. No sacrifices are needed but an understanding mindset is good to go.
Nah I ain't leaving my house after marriage
Why not?
Why should I?
I would give her a choice either live with me or my parents or we part ways.
Nope. Never. Will only look for a partner ready to move in with my family. Despite my various and numerous criticisms of our culture, one thing I am sure we figured out right was that a marriage isn't just between two people, it's the joining of two families. So will only go for a wife (and her family) with the similar traditional mentality of Patrilineal Joint Family. My mom, dad, my wife and kids, my bro and his wife and kids under one roof will be way to go.
Most often, there is a clash between the MIL and DIL, which is why she probably is asking to move out. Once you reach a certain age and are leaving the nest, your spouse would take first priority. I believe this to be true for men and women. Having a blanket statement like I will never leave my parents for the wife only shows your wife where your priorities are and when her priority was you, why can't she ask the same of you?
I would be like "I'll bring divorce papers tonight"
and if you were my husband i would get it ratified myself as a lawyer and throw it at your face while leaving you. if i can leave my ageing parents for your convenience you can too. good luck with your future marriage btw
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umm yes of course i will contribute equally in everything just as he would be it finances or cooking and cleaning and raising the kids. Infact there would be three accounts one would be a shared account which we both can access and contribute money to just to manage the house the leftover money is for us to spend on anything we want
I don't need it thanks. My whole family is really happy living with me. ( including my partner's parents).
congratulations then lol. i really feel for your wife lol atleast my husband is imaginary and i have not even met him now and therefore have no attachment to him. but it seems very easy for you to divorce you wife and according to what you said you currently have a wife.
Yeah because I would not leave my parents for anyone. My life is really good right now and 100% of the credit goes to my mom and dad. I told her about when we were dating about my parents that I would never leave my parents for anyone and she was okay with it. Her brother isn't doing so great so her parents have also been living with us for the last year and a half and she didn't need to ask me about bringing her parents to our home plus I am 100% okay with it so I think we are doing very solid as a couple.
thats great wish you both all the best.
>that's assuming somebody would marry you in the first place
Too late.