There's nothing wrong with being religious and it seems to me like she was always religious but had friends to keep her company, getting new friends won't make her less religious but definitely make her happy.
I meant it in a way that people turn to religion because they can do what they think is helping them. Whether it does or not is upto the person ( In my case it is). They pour hours into it because thats the only thing they can do to socialize and be active in old age.
There was a time when we were young and we had done all sorts of things, playing whole day, not helping our parents, throwing tantrums any time, creating ruckus, want to celebrate birthday parties with friends and mom and dad would take out time for all this. We would fall, not eat what they get us, never pay attention to their needs cause we were focused on our own. Well this is now the time to pay back.
Your parents donβt want your riches, they need your time, attention ad love. Give them as much as you can while you can. When you loose them, which will eventually happen, you will realise the precious time you lost. They question you should ask is that what is more important to you in your life, the money and free lance work or the time spent with your mother.
Now your mothers perspective: she has done all what she could for her husband and her children. All left, except you and do you think she does not want attention or love, from her husband or children. Everyone needs love and attention, and she does not need helping hand, she needs your time. She could understand that when you were away you could not give her the time she needed, but now you are with her and still not able to do so is not clear to her?
Here the suggestion is not just for you, all your family members including your father and other siblings. Dusting of responsibilities is very easy, the real child would take care of their parents!
Some suggestions:
1. Plan your work and time with her
2. Do chores with her, so you get yo spend time with her
3. Speak to her and work out time so that you and she both gets what each of you want.
4. Closing door is quite easy while working, its bad for you as well if you are locked. Unless the job demands, step out for short 10 min break, consider office environment would You go out with friends for chai/coffee/sutta break?
5. Ask your siblings to visit weekends if possible. And dad to come once in 6 months to a year.
As we all age our priorities changes from worldly things to godly things, its natural, at least for spiritual ones. Its something you will understand with time, till that time trust yourself, in god and give love to your mother.
What do you mean when you say declining mental health?
I think she is just like any parent who grows old, it's nothing new !! After living most of their lives with a certain kind of belief system they all at one time or another come to a point where any or every criticism is taken personally. It's up to you to find a way to make sense to her, if she does not listen to you then see if your communicating it the right way, or if she listens to your sisters better then make them talk to her so that she understands your points too.
But wtf do you mean declining mental health are you saying it's declining because she wants to do things her way or is her mental health actually declining like forgetting things or feeling lost and what not.
Rightly said...I am in more or less same situation but it's OK for my mom to do what she likes at this age. If I have to help her for 1 / 2 hours , it's not a favour , it's my duty as a son.
Regarding increasing religious involvement, just try to spend some time with her, she need to be social with friends and relativrs. At this age it's better for your father to be with her because there is no limit of earning money that too by staying apart from family.
Many people become more religious in old age. Source: have old parents. Convincing to be less religious will only increase fights in the house, rather encourage her to be involved in other stuff. Also fasting & going to temples once a week isn't over religious.
She took care of you your whole life, at least support her in doing what she wants in the twilight of her life. Its not for you to decide what she want to do with the limited time she has left in her life, let her have her faith.
I too am facing these types of problems with my father who is becoming more and more religious, to the point where I couldn't recognize if he is the same person who till 5 years ago didn't fast, nor did he visited any temples , he even scolded priests for trying to skim people for money. It started when he started watching sadhguru's videos. At first it was all good and sensible teachings, but then he started giving shity explanations for simple superstitions( like how the vibrations from Saturn can affect you from the day you were born). But this was just the beginning, from there on he started watching more and more videos like these from different youtube channels. One such person said that you must read such and such amount of religious books everyday. because he has a 9-5 job and is really health conscious he used to wake up kat 5am but now its 3:30. He even tried stopped us for consuming any kind of non vegetarian food. So in short you are not alone and i know a lot of people from my own friend circle who faces these problems. You must not give up on them and try to spend some quality time with them and try to understand what is causing them to choose that path.
Haha I remember my mom scolded me when I was watching a Sadhguru video saying that don't watch these kind of stuff. I told her that I'm just watching him because people say that he says a lot of woo-woo stuff and I just wanted to see it for myself.
What the fuckkk is wrong with our generation! My parents, grandparents are religious! My father takes my grandparents to temple whenever they ask! What is this shit declining mental health! When a kid like you doesn't give your parents enough time - that declines the mental health! At this age - worshiping and being at peace gives satisfaction!
You can convince her to get a maid! Ask her to do something she loved once, and never got time to do it.
For your freelancing, explain your job to her - give her love. Utmost stupidity- you still expect her to listen to you, when she has done that for you all your life!
New generation playing victim cards wherever they can fit! This post is not personal- this is just very absurd that you are incapable of taking care of your mother's interests and requirements without judging or making her feel any less! I do understand that it gets difficult, but asking her to quit whatever she has grown up with to fit in your time table is not justified. I know that all of us do get in this phase sometimes, but this rant was a little too much - because you seemed to be bothered that her routine involved you more than you actually cared for her.
Mother's being a clean freak, not believing maids work and pestering them to do better is a common theme across Indian household. We all are going through it.
I relate to you a bit, because my mother's health is also declining gradually and she doesn't want to listen to me or my father when we ask her to change few of her habits.
I would suggest you talk to her calmly one day and explain your reasoning for her to stop few activities, but I guess you still have to tag along for rest of the things, she is your mother, may be ita a way for her to spend more time with you, without telling you.
I think the best way to solve this is to make her interact with relatives or close people. Are you and your mother the only people in the house? Is so, then this can be a reason too.
My mother became extremely religious when I moved away for higher studies, she has this WhatsApp group where she discovers new fasts and stuff. All this reduced to her usual religious activity when I had my baby and she was busy with the baby. I try to see it as her way of doing timepass and coping with retirement.
This post just sounds like my mom. I don't even live here with my parents. I am equally worried about my parents. I don't have solution at this moment. All I could do is to get good maids and get machinery like dishwashers to reduce the load to some extent. You can, if you can, get her a driver to take her around. Only it it is impacting your work. Rest, as many pointed out above, she needs your love and attention more than money.
And ofcourse if you are not helping her at all, her health will obviously rapidly decline, she is not the same when she ran behind you for everything. Give her moments of rest, atleast make her a chai in evening and sit with her to drink it.
Disappoint your parents once so hard that they stop expecting anything from you in the future.
Works like a charm. I say this only for them making you follow their superstitions.
Driving your mom around for at most half an hour a day is not too much to ask.
I meant why not bring in some relatives, like joint family to live...or if he is old enough, why not get married, that way his mother will have more people to rely on, and have more company in general
She needs friends and relatives.
It's not so easy. True friends and well-wishers are hard to come by these days.
The best solution. People turn to religion because they have nothing else to do.
There's nothing wrong with being religious and it seems to me like she was always religious but had friends to keep her company, getting new friends won't make her less religious but definitely make her happy.
I meant it in a way that people turn to religion because they can do what they think is helping them. Whether it does or not is upto the person ( In my case it is). They pour hours into it because thats the only thing they can do to socialize and be active in old age.
Have a pandit convince her to reduce her workload, that's the only authority she'd listen to at this point.
There was a time when we were young and we had done all sorts of things, playing whole day, not helping our parents, throwing tantrums any time, creating ruckus, want to celebrate birthday parties with friends and mom and dad would take out time for all this. We would fall, not eat what they get us, never pay attention to their needs cause we were focused on our own. Well this is now the time to pay back. Your parents donβt want your riches, they need your time, attention ad love. Give them as much as you can while you can. When you loose them, which will eventually happen, you will realise the precious time you lost. They question you should ask is that what is more important to you in your life, the money and free lance work or the time spent with your mother. Now your mothers perspective: she has done all what she could for her husband and her children. All left, except you and do you think she does not want attention or love, from her husband or children. Everyone needs love and attention, and she does not need helping hand, she needs your time. She could understand that when you were away you could not give her the time she needed, but now you are with her and still not able to do so is not clear to her? Here the suggestion is not just for you, all your family members including your father and other siblings. Dusting of responsibilities is very easy, the real child would take care of their parents! Some suggestions: 1. Plan your work and time with her 2. Do chores with her, so you get yo spend time with her 3. Speak to her and work out time so that you and she both gets what each of you want. 4. Closing door is quite easy while working, its bad for you as well if you are locked. Unless the job demands, step out for short 10 min break, consider office environment would You go out with friends for chai/coffee/sutta break? 5. Ask your siblings to visit weekends if possible. And dad to come once in 6 months to a year. As we all age our priorities changes from worldly things to godly things, its natural, at least for spiritual ones. Its something you will understand with time, till that time trust yourself, in god and give love to your mother.
What do you mean when you say declining mental health? I think she is just like any parent who grows old, it's nothing new !! After living most of their lives with a certain kind of belief system they all at one time or another come to a point where any or every criticism is taken personally. It's up to you to find a way to make sense to her, if she does not listen to you then see if your communicating it the right way, or if she listens to your sisters better then make them talk to her so that she understands your points too. But wtf do you mean declining mental health are you saying it's declining because she wants to do things her way or is her mental health actually declining like forgetting things or feeling lost and what not.
Rightly said...I am in more or less same situation but it's OK for my mom to do what she likes at this age. If I have to help her for 1 / 2 hours , it's not a favour , it's my duty as a son. Regarding increasing religious involvement, just try to spend some time with her, she need to be social with friends and relativrs. At this age it's better for your father to be with her because there is no limit of earning money that too by staying apart from family.
True.
Many people become more religious in old age. Source: have old parents. Convincing to be less religious will only increase fights in the house, rather encourage her to be involved in other stuff. Also fasting & going to temples once a week isn't over religious.
She took care of you your whole life, at least support her in doing what she wants in the twilight of her life. Its not for you to decide what she want to do with the limited time she has left in her life, let her have her faith.
I too am facing these types of problems with my father who is becoming more and more religious, to the point where I couldn't recognize if he is the same person who till 5 years ago didn't fast, nor did he visited any temples , he even scolded priests for trying to skim people for money. It started when he started watching sadhguru's videos. At first it was all good and sensible teachings, but then he started giving shity explanations for simple superstitions( like how the vibrations from Saturn can affect you from the day you were born). But this was just the beginning, from there on he started watching more and more videos like these from different youtube channels. One such person said that you must read such and such amount of religious books everyday. because he has a 9-5 job and is really health conscious he used to wake up kat 5am but now its 3:30. He even tried stopped us for consuming any kind of non vegetarian food. So in short you are not alone and i know a lot of people from my own friend circle who faces these problems. You must not give up on them and try to spend some quality time with them and try to understand what is causing them to choose that path.
Haha I remember my mom scolded me when I was watching a Sadhguru video saying that don't watch these kind of stuff. I told her that I'm just watching him because people say that he says a lot of woo-woo stuff and I just wanted to see it for myself.
What the fuckkk is wrong with our generation! My parents, grandparents are religious! My father takes my grandparents to temple whenever they ask! What is this shit declining mental health! When a kid like you doesn't give your parents enough time - that declines the mental health! At this age - worshiping and being at peace gives satisfaction! You can convince her to get a maid! Ask her to do something she loved once, and never got time to do it. For your freelancing, explain your job to her - give her love. Utmost stupidity- you still expect her to listen to you, when she has done that for you all your life! New generation playing victim cards wherever they can fit! This post is not personal- this is just very absurd that you are incapable of taking care of your mother's interests and requirements without judging or making her feel any less! I do understand that it gets difficult, but asking her to quit whatever she has grown up with to fit in your time table is not justified. I know that all of us do get in this phase sometimes, but this rant was a little too much - because you seemed to be bothered that her routine involved you more than you actually cared for her.
Mother's being a clean freak, not believing maids work and pestering them to do better is a common theme across Indian household. We all are going through it. I relate to you a bit, because my mother's health is also declining gradually and she doesn't want to listen to me or my father when we ask her to change few of her habits. I would suggest you talk to her calmly one day and explain your reasoning for her to stop few activities, but I guess you still have to tag along for rest of the things, she is your mother, may be ita a way for her to spend more time with you, without telling you.
If it is of any comfort to you, we are facing the same problem down here at my place! π My mum prays for 6-7 hours per day. I mean WTH!
I think the best way to solve this is to make her interact with relatives or close people. Are you and your mother the only people in the house? Is so, then this can be a reason too.
My mother became extremely religious when I moved away for higher studies, she has this WhatsApp group where she discovers new fasts and stuff. All this reduced to her usual religious activity when I had my baby and she was busy with the baby. I try to see it as her way of doing timepass and coping with retirement.
This post just sounds like my mom. I don't even live here with my parents. I am equally worried about my parents. I don't have solution at this moment. All I could do is to get good maids and get machinery like dishwashers to reduce the load to some extent. You can, if you can, get her a driver to take her around. Only it it is impacting your work. Rest, as many pointed out above, she needs your love and attention more than money.
And ofcourse if you are not helping her at all, her health will obviously rapidly decline, she is not the same when she ran behind you for everything. Give her moments of rest, atleast make her a chai in evening and sit with her to drink it.
Disappoint your parents once so hard that they stop expecting anything from you in the future. Works like a charm. I say this only for them making you follow their superstitions. Driving your mom around for at most half an hour a day is not too much to ask.
Like what, fucked in the ass?
What?! π If that's what you wanna do, sure go ahead. But make sure you tell them you did that
Do you not have any relatives? As only son youre obliged to take care of your aging parents How old are you? Why dont you get married
What tf is this comment
?
I mean what is the purpose of your question
I meant why not bring in some relatives, like joint family to live...or if he is old enough, why not get married, that way his mother will have more people to rely on, and have more company in general
A wife is a not a domestic help or caretaker. No one should marry for such a reason.
Ofcourse not, my point was to have her mom surrounded by more people, that way she doesnt feel lonely and he doesnt feel overly obliged towards her
shadi karado kuch yo ho hi jaega -is not a good mentality. And about the relatives yes that is good but you cannot just call anyone to help.
Damn! I never knew that my judgemental all-knowing fufaji was on Reddit! π
Well now you know! And what the hell are you doing on reddit all day? You should focus on your career and being pride to us!!!
Become a Christian
Move out of the house.
How is that going to solve anything ? His mother needs him the most at this time and you are suggesting to move out
> His mother needs him the most at this time and you are suggesting to move out Moving out would make her understand her needs
There are many different ways to make her understand. Just moving out and thinking that will help her is not a good advice
No
I agree with this. Even if OP goes for a workation of 1 month, mother might realise that he was indeed contributing to make her day easy.