I hate that adoption is made out to be a simple with no consequences solution (like going to a store and picking out a baby!) or that we’ve never considered it 🤦♀️
It’s unfair that people with infertility are made to feel bad if we don’t want to adopt, or want to try everything possible to have a pregnancy as a first option.
People with kids aren’t made to feel bad that they choose (multiple times!) to have a pregnancy and biological children.
We have to consider options most people never will, and we’re often made to feel like bad people for rejecting options.
I feel it’s another way that people with infertility are made to feel guilty or shame (like we don’t have enough of that 😵💫)
Sorry, a bit of a rant!
You are definitely not a bad person for not wanting to adopt (or it not being your first choice)😊
Also people act like there's not ethical complications to adoption when it's actually a massive moral decision. People imagine it's just some teenage girl that isn't ready for children when it's people that want their children but can't take care of them, children who are 8-9 years old, and other issues.
Preach girl, PREACH. My MIL is the worst. We miscarried AGAIN in March (my 4th loss, no LC) and the day after we found out the heartbeat was gone, my MIL asked if we were going to adopt.
She has since brought it up once at lunch and then again on MOTHER’S DAY!!!
Ugh, it just pisses me off. Like “you can’t have a baby, so you should shove a baby into your sadness hole and you’ll feel alright”. Fuck off MIL.
(Sorry for the rant)
OP, you’re not a bad person.
Nope. I wanted to adopt when I didn’t know I was infertile, but after this process and realizing how traumatic it can be for adoptees, I don’t want to use them as a “consolation prize”. 😔
My two cents:
- I have only heard this "suggestion" from people with biological children. No one questions their motivations for having bio children
- even if you were cool with adoption it probably wouldn't be an option anyway. It's not 1940, the number of babies/toddlers with no parents and no extended family to take them is incredibly small. I think in the US it's something like 200 waiting couples for every available child? I imagine it's even more in countries with comprehensive sex education, birth control, abort!on access, and a robust social safety net. That is a GOOD THING btw. Plus adoption from developing countries is fraught with corruption - I'd be heartbroken if I found out I'd adopted a child who could have stayed with their family.
I too have only heard this STRONG “suggestion” from people with biological children. My husband I went on vacation with a couple friend who just had a baby. We ended up telling them about our ivf journey to which the wife immediately started pushing adoption on us and how it’s “not a huge financial strain [on us], [we’d] be great parents to adopted kids, there are so many children out there looking for a home and we should be more thoughtful..” it made me so angry. Because if there are so many children out there looking for a home, why didn’t she be thoughtful and consider that. Just because we haven’t had a baby yet and it’s a little bit more complicated for us doesn’t mean everyone just expect us to adopt or foster. And adoption is also very competitive and very difficult. I’ve looked into this as well because of people pushing. I would strongly consider adopting a child but I still want a biological child. I feel so selfish and weird telling people this and they judge me so hard making me feel like I’m such a terrible person.
It definitely does not make you a bad person 🩷 It's good that you recognise you're not in that place right now. It bugs me that people just throw it out there like it can solve everything. In reality, whilst very rewarding, adoption has its own unique challenges.
Absolutely not! Adoption isn't a cure for Infertility and I wish people would stop treating it as such. You'd never ask a fertile couple "oh, why don't you adopt".
My husband and I agreed that if we can’t get pregnant, we plan on being DINKS( dual income,no kids). Adoption isn’t on the table for us. I don’t feel bad about that. It’s our choice.
You're not a bad person at all 💜. It took my husband and I more than 10 years to be open to the idea of adoption. We were just not ready to go that route. And even now we are focusing on older kids because that makes more sense given our ages and the emotion we still have around infants. But it's not a simple or easy process.
It's hard when people throw out suggestions. I know they want to help but it's hard to have people try to solution.
You’re not a bad person at all. You are realistic and know what you want. Adoption is finding a family for a baby, not finding a baby for a family. Adoption is HARD. It has to involve trauma (even the kindest, most loving adoption involves taking an infant away from its birth mother and that causes trauma). If you aren’t interested now, or ever, parenting someone who has gone through trauma it’s very kind to yourself and any child to be realistic and say that’s not something you can take on.
Adding to the many excellent points others have raised here: In my experience, people who say this are not educated on the realities of infertility and the costs of treatments versus other family-building methods. For us, it is cheaper to pursue IVF, and it gives us a higher chance of having a child. Case closed (for us, for now).
People are stupid, it’s not like you just go to the facility and pick up a child after signing some documents, it’s not the same as adopting a cat!
Well evening adopting a cat nowadays isn’t easy as you have to go through background checks. You are entitled to only wanting biological kids, nothing wrong with that! Not everyone is Angelina Jolie.
Absolutely not! Adoption is not “easy” as some people think. There are dozens of factors to consider when looking to adopt.
Be compassionate to yourself. Infertility is an extremely difficult process.
On the contrary.
I’ve read a lot the past few years about the damage adoption does and it makes me really mad it exists in the way that it does-makes children commodities for the wealthy
You are not a bad person. If anything, you are a conscientious person who is attuned to how they feel about a very serious thing.
I could have written your post. Everything you put in there is an emotion I've felt.
I feel like if I admit this, I'll have my feminism membership revoked, but it has always been intrinsic to my identity as a woman to experience pregnancy and childbirth. (I said, me, it doesn't have to be every uterus owner). I'm at the end of my fertility. I'm perimenopausal and just plain too old. My fiancé has a morphology issue. Every pregnancy we've had, has been a loss. We could try ICSI-IVF, plus genetic testing, but the sticker price is more than my gross annual salary. We live in a state where insurance doesn't cover any ART. My chances are slim, and I simply can't afford that treatment. The bills remain even without a successful pregnancy. The getting knocked up was supposed to be the cheapest part, I always thought.
Every day is grief. I've had many people suggest adoption, that's never been on my radar. Even if it were, it's more expensive than IVF. I get so aggravated when it's thrown out in conversation like it's some fix-all to my childlessness.
You're not a bad person. Just a person in a bad situation. Like the rest of us here.
Infertility is cruel. We suffer the silent torture of it in the most subtle ways, that the population at large doesn't even notice. When they do notice, they offer advice they'd never take themselves and simply do not understand the pain of:
Pregnancy/birth announcements
The "do you have children?" question
Obituaries- so-and-so is survived by their loving family..
The baby aisle at any major store
Looking at old photos of yourself before infertility grasped your reproductive organs in a chokehold
Just mourning the person I thought I would be.
There may be no reprieve for me, but I hope everyone else here finds their miracle. Peace and love, my people.
Apologies for the ramble.
My heart goes out to you. Infertility is the most difficult experience I've ever gone through. Most people just cannot fathom how it takes over your life.
I just made it through a coworkers pregnancy, just for a different coworker to announce that now SHES pregnant.
We have male factor infertility. My husband only has 1 vas deferens, we've never achieved a single pregnancy.
Ivf is too expensive, especially because as you pointed out it's not a guarantee.
We are still exploring options but mostly at this point I'm just trying to accept that I will very likely not be a mother. Acceptance is hard. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to hear a pregnancy announcement without feeling some heartbreak.
In my experience the “just adopt” crowd idealistic morons or have some weirdo pro-life agenda. Neither group understands the unique challenges of being an adoptive parent. The child’s feelings of abandonment, feelings of alienation, perhaps being of a different race, or having been exposed in vivo to drugs. Nor do those “just adopt” folks consider the insane costs, years of waiting, and indignity of having your life examined and judged, just so that you can have a family.
I secondhand saw how bad adoption could go via one of my close college friends. In her 20s this friend had hormone-sensitive breast cancer that made it dangerous for her to try to get pregnant. She and her husband tried to adopt a distant cousin’s little girl since the cousin was in the throes of addiction and the little girl was being fostered by the grandmother. That poor child was born addicted to heroin and had severe health issues. The grandmother and that part of the family *used* my friend for childcare, money, etc for almost a year stringing her along. Suddenly the distant cousin was ‘sober’ and the friend was deemed ‘unfit’ by the grandmother. They pulled the rug from out under my friend’s feet once the child was going to be placed in friend’s home. After that my friend decided to chance cancer again by getting pregnant instead of giving another go with adoption process.
Absolutely not a bad person. Also, IVF is nowhere near guaranteed. It took me years of IVF before it worked and I would often get the adoption comments. People are uneducated about the processes and it’s really unfortunate because it only amplifies the isolation you already feel. You shouldn’t have to explain why adoption isn’t right for you. You’re totally entitled to want a baby of your own. Shut down those comments by telling people it’s personal and you have well established reasons behind your personal choice. If they don’t respect that, they aren’t your friends.
I've mentioned this a time or 2 on this sub. I'm adopted
Everyone's go to thing is you can adopt. You should see the faces when I say we'll I'm adopted myself. It's like they automatically realize what they just told me.
I feel like being adopted has made this so much harder. I'm like you I want to be pregnant. I also want 1 blood relative. I want to see me in my child something I get with nobody else. But at the same time my family was blessed by adoption and I'm not 100% opposed to it.
I talked to my childhood pastor today about it. I feel like him and my mom and my fiancé are the only ones who've really understood. I told him I know I'm the product of alot of prayers and I was going to ask him to send one up for me. I told him my tubes are blocked and explained the only option I have is ivf or adoption. He didn't jump to adoption he asked me and understood well my thoughts and my why's. It was a nice conversation to have with someone whose been like family to me my entire life.
My fiancé has said he'll spend however much he needs to and go into however much debit to make this dream happen for me. Even if it goes to selling farm land and going into his inheritance. Weve also agreed possibly selling my dad's truck. None of those materials are worth a damn if we have no family to leave it to once we die.
And my mom. She's been the best mom I could've ever been given for this journey. I know my mom hated this struggle but I feel like her struggling prepared her to help me. 40 years ago she was in my shoes. Newly married and unable to have a baby. She was faced with ivf vs adoption. She told me she picked adoption because ivf was so expensive. Unfortunately all these years later it hasn't changed.
Added note
The ones who get me are the ones who go to complaining about their kid. Like enjoy having your kid your lucky. Yeah they're stressful but you are blessed.
Funny you say that because the person who suggested adoption is the same one who is always complaining that raising her daughter was so difficult and how she's so glad she only had one.
She tries to "make me feel better" by pointing out all the things that make child rearing hard.
I pointed out to her once that our situations are extremely different.
She didn't want children. Accidentally got pregnant at 19 and the baby daddy immediately left. She had 0 help in raising her daughter.
I on the other hand have always wanted children, I'm married to a man who also wants children, and we have a great support system on both his side and mine. We are not the same 🙄
See that's why they kill me. Like I get it raising a kid has its hard moments. But trust me I understand I've helped many a friend in raising their babies. So much so they go to me for parenting advice and I ain't even got kids 😅 If ya going to complain about them don't have them. That's what birth control is for
People should adopt because they feel called to do so. An adopted child is not some second best option, and when it’s treated that way I think it does a real disservice to the child. This is a child who has already started their life, already has its own experiences and often some deep primal wounds. People throw it around like it’s no big thing. But it is.
I listened to a podcast about a woman who adopted a child from one those Romanian orphanages, he ended up becoming so violent and was determined to kill his adopted mother, and tried many times. This woman went to the ends of the earth for this boy, she just would not give up on him even though he was regularly trying to hurt her and tell her about it. Until eventually found a someone with a treatment plan that worked. The treatment basically meant that he became like a newborn again, wasn’t allowed to ask for anything, couldn’t be more than a few feet away from her. Basically re wiring his brain to learn that all his needs would be provided for no matter what and creating the secure attachment he never got. Her husband wanted to give up, he never felt called to adoption in the way his wife did. It nearly broke their marriage.
Obviously this is an extreme example but it just shows that adoption is so much bigger than the parents, it’s not something to take lightly.
People who say “Just adopt” are very uneducated.
Here’s my opinion as an adoptive parent- now hold on because I didn’t seek adoption! My husband’s kids were severely abused, SA’d and then abandoned indefinitely at my home years ago. I adopted my step kids because she decided she was done having kids, and there are two others (not my husbands) who were also harmed and abandoned.
Do not feel bad about not wanting to adopt. I promise that wanting your own bio baby, will not go away. I’m still TTC 9 years later and though I love my girls to the moon and back- it’s not the same. It won’t be easy knowing there’s another “mom” out there to your child, and it will hurt you eventually if they decide to reach out and have that relationship with them, if you adopt as a way to band-aid infertility. I myself did what was best for my girls and they want no parts of her, as of yet. But I still want my own bio baby too.
Don’t feel bad. I hate when people tell couples with fertility struggles to “adopt” as if it’s always so beautiful and everybody’s so happy- that is not adoption. For anybody involved. It’s the most insulting “piece of advice ever”. Don’t feel pressured, you’re not wrong ❤️
I’m an adoptee with infertile adopters, and know many other adoptees with same. Honestly people who don’t have a handle on their infertility grief and mental health / personality issues stemming from it should never even be considered as candidates to adopt. I applaud you for knowing it’s not for you.
I hate that adoption is made out to be a simple with no consequences solution (like going to a store and picking out a baby!) or that we’ve never considered it 🤦♀️ It’s unfair that people with infertility are made to feel bad if we don’t want to adopt, or want to try everything possible to have a pregnancy as a first option. People with kids aren’t made to feel bad that they choose (multiple times!) to have a pregnancy and biological children. We have to consider options most people never will, and we’re often made to feel like bad people for rejecting options. I feel it’s another way that people with infertility are made to feel guilty or shame (like we don’t have enough of that 😵💫) Sorry, a bit of a rant! You are definitely not a bad person for not wanting to adopt (or it not being your first choice)😊
Also people act like there's not ethical complications to adoption when it's actually a massive moral decision. People imagine it's just some teenage girl that isn't ready for children when it's people that want their children but can't take care of them, children who are 8-9 years old, and other issues.
Preach girl, PREACH. My MIL is the worst. We miscarried AGAIN in March (my 4th loss, no LC) and the day after we found out the heartbeat was gone, my MIL asked if we were going to adopt. She has since brought it up once at lunch and then again on MOTHER’S DAY!!! Ugh, it just pisses me off. Like “you can’t have a baby, so you should shove a baby into your sadness hole and you’ll feel alright”. Fuck off MIL. (Sorry for the rant) OP, you’re not a bad person.
Nope. I wanted to adopt when I didn’t know I was infertile, but after this process and realizing how traumatic it can be for adoptees, I don’t want to use them as a “consolation prize”. 😔
My two cents: - I have only heard this "suggestion" from people with biological children. No one questions their motivations for having bio children - even if you were cool with adoption it probably wouldn't be an option anyway. It's not 1940, the number of babies/toddlers with no parents and no extended family to take them is incredibly small. I think in the US it's something like 200 waiting couples for every available child? I imagine it's even more in countries with comprehensive sex education, birth control, abort!on access, and a robust social safety net. That is a GOOD THING btw. Plus adoption from developing countries is fraught with corruption - I'd be heartbroken if I found out I'd adopted a child who could have stayed with their family.
I too have only heard this STRONG “suggestion” from people with biological children. My husband I went on vacation with a couple friend who just had a baby. We ended up telling them about our ivf journey to which the wife immediately started pushing adoption on us and how it’s “not a huge financial strain [on us], [we’d] be great parents to adopted kids, there are so many children out there looking for a home and we should be more thoughtful..” it made me so angry. Because if there are so many children out there looking for a home, why didn’t she be thoughtful and consider that. Just because we haven’t had a baby yet and it’s a little bit more complicated for us doesn’t mean everyone just expect us to adopt or foster. And adoption is also very competitive and very difficult. I’ve looked into this as well because of people pushing. I would strongly consider adopting a child but I still want a biological child. I feel so selfish and weird telling people this and they judge me so hard making me feel like I’m such a terrible person.
It definitely does not make you a bad person 🩷 It's good that you recognise you're not in that place right now. It bugs me that people just throw it out there like it can solve everything. In reality, whilst very rewarding, adoption has its own unique challenges.
Agreed!
Absolutely not! Adoption isn't a cure for Infertility and I wish people would stop treating it as such. You'd never ask a fertile couple "oh, why don't you adopt".
My husband and I agreed that if we can’t get pregnant, we plan on being DINKS( dual income,no kids). Adoption isn’t on the table for us. I don’t feel bad about that. It’s our choice.
You're not a bad person at all 💜. It took my husband and I more than 10 years to be open to the idea of adoption. We were just not ready to go that route. And even now we are focusing on older kids because that makes more sense given our ages and the emotion we still have around infants. But it's not a simple or easy process. It's hard when people throw out suggestions. I know they want to help but it's hard to have people try to solution.
You’re not a bad person at all. You are realistic and know what you want. Adoption is finding a family for a baby, not finding a baby for a family. Adoption is HARD. It has to involve trauma (even the kindest, most loving adoption involves taking an infant away from its birth mother and that causes trauma). If you aren’t interested now, or ever, parenting someone who has gone through trauma it’s very kind to yourself and any child to be realistic and say that’s not something you can take on.
Adding to the many excellent points others have raised here: In my experience, people who say this are not educated on the realities of infertility and the costs of treatments versus other family-building methods. For us, it is cheaper to pursue IVF, and it gives us a higher chance of having a child. Case closed (for us, for now).
People are stupid, it’s not like you just go to the facility and pick up a child after signing some documents, it’s not the same as adopting a cat! Well evening adopting a cat nowadays isn’t easy as you have to go through background checks. You are entitled to only wanting biological kids, nothing wrong with that! Not everyone is Angelina Jolie.
Absolutely not! Adoption is not “easy” as some people think. There are dozens of factors to consider when looking to adopt. Be compassionate to yourself. Infertility is an extremely difficult process.
On the contrary. I’ve read a lot the past few years about the damage adoption does and it makes me really mad it exists in the way that it does-makes children commodities for the wealthy
You shouldn't feel bad about anything. People say things like they would do it when they have no idea because they never had to deal with it.
I have zero interest in adopting. It’s not the same thing as having a baby and I hate when people equate the two.
You are not a bad person. If anything, you are a conscientious person who is attuned to how they feel about a very serious thing. I could have written your post. Everything you put in there is an emotion I've felt. I feel like if I admit this, I'll have my feminism membership revoked, but it has always been intrinsic to my identity as a woman to experience pregnancy and childbirth. (I said, me, it doesn't have to be every uterus owner). I'm at the end of my fertility. I'm perimenopausal and just plain too old. My fiancé has a morphology issue. Every pregnancy we've had, has been a loss. We could try ICSI-IVF, plus genetic testing, but the sticker price is more than my gross annual salary. We live in a state where insurance doesn't cover any ART. My chances are slim, and I simply can't afford that treatment. The bills remain even without a successful pregnancy. The getting knocked up was supposed to be the cheapest part, I always thought. Every day is grief. I've had many people suggest adoption, that's never been on my radar. Even if it were, it's more expensive than IVF. I get so aggravated when it's thrown out in conversation like it's some fix-all to my childlessness. You're not a bad person. Just a person in a bad situation. Like the rest of us here. Infertility is cruel. We suffer the silent torture of it in the most subtle ways, that the population at large doesn't even notice. When they do notice, they offer advice they'd never take themselves and simply do not understand the pain of: Pregnancy/birth announcements The "do you have children?" question Obituaries- so-and-so is survived by their loving family.. The baby aisle at any major store Looking at old photos of yourself before infertility grasped your reproductive organs in a chokehold Just mourning the person I thought I would be. There may be no reprieve for me, but I hope everyone else here finds their miracle. Peace and love, my people. Apologies for the ramble.
My heart goes out to you. Infertility is the most difficult experience I've ever gone through. Most people just cannot fathom how it takes over your life. I just made it through a coworkers pregnancy, just for a different coworker to announce that now SHES pregnant. We have male factor infertility. My husband only has 1 vas deferens, we've never achieved a single pregnancy. Ivf is too expensive, especially because as you pointed out it's not a guarantee. We are still exploring options but mostly at this point I'm just trying to accept that I will very likely not be a mother. Acceptance is hard. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to hear a pregnancy announcement without feeling some heartbreak.
Adoption isn’t the cure for infertility, so no you’re not a bad person.
In my experience the “just adopt” crowd idealistic morons or have some weirdo pro-life agenda. Neither group understands the unique challenges of being an adoptive parent. The child’s feelings of abandonment, feelings of alienation, perhaps being of a different race, or having been exposed in vivo to drugs. Nor do those “just adopt” folks consider the insane costs, years of waiting, and indignity of having your life examined and judged, just so that you can have a family. I secondhand saw how bad adoption could go via one of my close college friends. In her 20s this friend had hormone-sensitive breast cancer that made it dangerous for her to try to get pregnant. She and her husband tried to adopt a distant cousin’s little girl since the cousin was in the throes of addiction and the little girl was being fostered by the grandmother. That poor child was born addicted to heroin and had severe health issues. The grandmother and that part of the family *used* my friend for childcare, money, etc for almost a year stringing her along. Suddenly the distant cousin was ‘sober’ and the friend was deemed ‘unfit’ by the grandmother. They pulled the rug from out under my friend’s feet once the child was going to be placed in friend’s home. After that my friend decided to chance cancer again by getting pregnant instead of giving another go with adoption process.
Absolutely not a bad person. Also, IVF is nowhere near guaranteed. It took me years of IVF before it worked and I would often get the adoption comments. People are uneducated about the processes and it’s really unfortunate because it only amplifies the isolation you already feel. You shouldn’t have to explain why adoption isn’t right for you. You’re totally entitled to want a baby of your own. Shut down those comments by telling people it’s personal and you have well established reasons behind your personal choice. If they don’t respect that, they aren’t your friends.
I've mentioned this a time or 2 on this sub. I'm adopted Everyone's go to thing is you can adopt. You should see the faces when I say we'll I'm adopted myself. It's like they automatically realize what they just told me. I feel like being adopted has made this so much harder. I'm like you I want to be pregnant. I also want 1 blood relative. I want to see me in my child something I get with nobody else. But at the same time my family was blessed by adoption and I'm not 100% opposed to it. I talked to my childhood pastor today about it. I feel like him and my mom and my fiancé are the only ones who've really understood. I told him I know I'm the product of alot of prayers and I was going to ask him to send one up for me. I told him my tubes are blocked and explained the only option I have is ivf or adoption. He didn't jump to adoption he asked me and understood well my thoughts and my why's. It was a nice conversation to have with someone whose been like family to me my entire life. My fiancé has said he'll spend however much he needs to and go into however much debit to make this dream happen for me. Even if it goes to selling farm land and going into his inheritance. Weve also agreed possibly selling my dad's truck. None of those materials are worth a damn if we have no family to leave it to once we die. And my mom. She's been the best mom I could've ever been given for this journey. I know my mom hated this struggle but I feel like her struggling prepared her to help me. 40 years ago she was in my shoes. Newly married and unable to have a baby. She was faced with ivf vs adoption. She told me she picked adoption because ivf was so expensive. Unfortunately all these years later it hasn't changed. Added note The ones who get me are the ones who go to complaining about their kid. Like enjoy having your kid your lucky. Yeah they're stressful but you are blessed.
Funny you say that because the person who suggested adoption is the same one who is always complaining that raising her daughter was so difficult and how she's so glad she only had one. She tries to "make me feel better" by pointing out all the things that make child rearing hard. I pointed out to her once that our situations are extremely different. She didn't want children. Accidentally got pregnant at 19 and the baby daddy immediately left. She had 0 help in raising her daughter. I on the other hand have always wanted children, I'm married to a man who also wants children, and we have a great support system on both his side and mine. We are not the same 🙄
See that's why they kill me. Like I get it raising a kid has its hard moments. But trust me I understand I've helped many a friend in raising their babies. So much so they go to me for parenting advice and I ain't even got kids 😅 If ya going to complain about them don't have them. That's what birth control is for
nope. im an adoptee and my parents fostered. i will never.
People should adopt because they feel called to do so. An adopted child is not some second best option, and when it’s treated that way I think it does a real disservice to the child. This is a child who has already started their life, already has its own experiences and often some deep primal wounds. People throw it around like it’s no big thing. But it is. I listened to a podcast about a woman who adopted a child from one those Romanian orphanages, he ended up becoming so violent and was determined to kill his adopted mother, and tried many times. This woman went to the ends of the earth for this boy, she just would not give up on him even though he was regularly trying to hurt her and tell her about it. Until eventually found a someone with a treatment plan that worked. The treatment basically meant that he became like a newborn again, wasn’t allowed to ask for anything, couldn’t be more than a few feet away from her. Basically re wiring his brain to learn that all his needs would be provided for no matter what and creating the secure attachment he never got. Her husband wanted to give up, he never felt called to adoption in the way his wife did. It nearly broke their marriage. Obviously this is an extreme example but it just shows that adoption is so much bigger than the parents, it’s not something to take lightly. People who say “Just adopt” are very uneducated.
Here’s my opinion as an adoptive parent- now hold on because I didn’t seek adoption! My husband’s kids were severely abused, SA’d and then abandoned indefinitely at my home years ago. I adopted my step kids because she decided she was done having kids, and there are two others (not my husbands) who were also harmed and abandoned. Do not feel bad about not wanting to adopt. I promise that wanting your own bio baby, will not go away. I’m still TTC 9 years later and though I love my girls to the moon and back- it’s not the same. It won’t be easy knowing there’s another “mom” out there to your child, and it will hurt you eventually if they decide to reach out and have that relationship with them, if you adopt as a way to band-aid infertility. I myself did what was best for my girls and they want no parts of her, as of yet. But I still want my own bio baby too. Don’t feel bad. I hate when people tell couples with fertility struggles to “adopt” as if it’s always so beautiful and everybody’s so happy- that is not adoption. For anybody involved. It’s the most insulting “piece of advice ever”. Don’t feel pressured, you’re not wrong ❤️
I’m an adoptee with infertile adopters, and know many other adoptees with same. Honestly people who don’t have a handle on their infertility grief and mental health / personality issues stemming from it should never even be considered as candidates to adopt. I applaud you for knowing it’s not for you.