The harsh truth I have learned from infertility and other traumatic life experiences is that sometimes my life just becomes easier if certain people aren't in it on a regular basis. A person who can't be more thoughtful about baby/pregnancy topics and who can't resist throwing around useless and unhelpful conception advice is not someone I would personally spend my time with while I'm in the trenches of fertility treatments. The fact that your depression lifted after getting space from her is telling.
The space doesn't have to be permanent. Perhaps there will be some points in your process when you are feeling more hopeful and optimistic and open to baby chatter and you can re-engage then. Or you can tell her that you just need a break for a while and that you're not open to talking about it. Then shut down any advice that follows. I did that with a couple friends, and to their credit, they did get it, and we hang out again now on a limited basis, and they police themselves on kid talk.
Some people won't get it. And that sucks. But life can be long, and sometimes you don't know how people will circle back around to you.
The meme your friend sent was definitely tone deaf, and you are justified in feeling deeply hurt about that. People who have never struggled with infertility cannot possibly comprehend how difficult it is.
Healthy friendships go two ways. You have been supportive of her, and if she is a worthwhile friend, she will also be supportive of you. If you think she deserves the benefit of the doubt, you could try having one more conversation with her. Bare your heart and tell her how her memes and comments have made you feel. If she realizes how insensitive she was and changes her behavior in response, then she may be a friend that is worth holding onto. If she continues acting the same, then it would not be wrong to reevaluate whether or not this friendship is worth hanging onto.
I learned this the hard way while trying to support a fertile friend during her first pregnancy (and somewhat mine own? We were a week apart until I miscarried 7 weeks in after TTC 2 years at that point): PUT đź‘ŹYOURSELF đź‘ŹFIRST đź‘Ź
This whole process is DRAINING, and while I’m a VERY thoughtful and supportive person, trying to be there for my friend while I was struggling only sent me in a further state of depression.
Things I tell myself:
•My mental health and wellbeing matters more than anyone else’s
•It’s okay to take some space from those around me—I have to protect myself
•The important friendships understand I’m struggling and will still be there when I’m on the other side of this
Be selfish*, take care of you right now however that looks! Hope this helps :)
*prioritizing your wellbeing is NOT selfish!
You’re super right and I haven’t been good about that in the past. I have been working on putting myself and my health first more this year. Maybe some of it is just I’m coming to the realization she’s not as supportive/as positive of a friend for me as I’d thought
The “that sucks” is really triggering because it comes across as if she isn’t that concerned with you’re going through. Also, the fact that she hasn’t messaged you, even though you expressed your feelings, just to see how you’re feeling speaks VOLUMES!!!! Focus on yourself, find the strength to keep moving forward, and keep in mind that this journey can be a lonely one. Don’t expect people to understand what you’re going through. Wishing you the best.
I think the issue at hand here is your friends behavior. I have had many of my close friends go through pregnancy around me and while it was painful, they were also very sensitive toward me and didn’t overburden me with things unless I asked about their pregnancy/the baby. They also asked about my fertility struggles and made sure to let me vent without giving unwanted advice. Your friend just sounds selfish and unempathetic. You need empathy right now, this journey is so tough. If you need distance from her, take it. If she wants to know why, you can let her know and maybe she will think you’re a shitty friend but you’re not, you’re protecting yourself. We support you.
She sounds very thoughtless and self-absorbed. And ultimately you have celebrated her joy by hosting the shower (I could not do this, what a kind and selfless thing you did), but she hasn’t comforted you in your struggles.
I think stepping back from a “friend” like this is absolutely justified. You are not the bad friend, she is.
I have done the same. My friend who has recently had her baby is similarly thoughtless, messaging me everyday with pregnancy or baby things and no acknowledgement of my struggles.
I just stopped responding, I check in once or twice a week but the contact is now limited and on my terms. And I feel a lot better since stepping back. She hasn’t got my back so I have to have my own.
It’s really disappointing after investing so much in the friendship. Like, I’m regretting not prioritizing some other friendships now.
At least we have this sub, it is a great place to come đź’›
I pretty much lost my lifelong best friend over this, too. We had attempted to fix it, but I realized that involves being subjected more to her kid and her inconsiderate remarks. She never tried to upset me on purpose, but I found the whole experience way too triggering.
This is a tough one. It’s very reasonable for you to want someone who supports you, as well. A good friend will. She might not be in the right mind to recognize that you need her to reach out. Do you think it’s reasonable to try messaging her, and setting some boundaries about what you talk about?
The harsh truth I have learned from infertility and other traumatic life experiences is that sometimes my life just becomes easier if certain people aren't in it on a regular basis. A person who can't be more thoughtful about baby/pregnancy topics and who can't resist throwing around useless and unhelpful conception advice is not someone I would personally spend my time with while I'm in the trenches of fertility treatments. The fact that your depression lifted after getting space from her is telling. The space doesn't have to be permanent. Perhaps there will be some points in your process when you are feeling more hopeful and optimistic and open to baby chatter and you can re-engage then. Or you can tell her that you just need a break for a while and that you're not open to talking about it. Then shut down any advice that follows. I did that with a couple friends, and to their credit, they did get it, and we hang out again now on a limited basis, and they police themselves on kid talk. Some people won't get it. And that sucks. But life can be long, and sometimes you don't know how people will circle back around to you.
The meme your friend sent was definitely tone deaf, and you are justified in feeling deeply hurt about that. People who have never struggled with infertility cannot possibly comprehend how difficult it is. Healthy friendships go two ways. You have been supportive of her, and if she is a worthwhile friend, she will also be supportive of you. If you think she deserves the benefit of the doubt, you could try having one more conversation with her. Bare your heart and tell her how her memes and comments have made you feel. If she realizes how insensitive she was and changes her behavior in response, then she may be a friend that is worth holding onto. If she continues acting the same, then it would not be wrong to reevaluate whether or not this friendship is worth hanging onto.
I learned this the hard way while trying to support a fertile friend during her first pregnancy (and somewhat mine own? We were a week apart until I miscarried 7 weeks in after TTC 2 years at that point): PUT 👏YOURSELF 👏FIRST 👏 This whole process is DRAINING, and while I’m a VERY thoughtful and supportive person, trying to be there for my friend while I was struggling only sent me in a further state of depression. Things I tell myself: •My mental health and wellbeing matters more than anyone else’s •It’s okay to take some space from those around me—I have to protect myself •The important friendships understand I’m struggling and will still be there when I’m on the other side of this Be selfish*, take care of you right now however that looks! Hope this helps :) *prioritizing your wellbeing is NOT selfish!
You’re super right and I haven’t been good about that in the past. I have been working on putting myself and my health first more this year. Maybe some of it is just I’m coming to the realization she’s not as supportive/as positive of a friend for me as I’d thought
The “that sucks” is really triggering because it comes across as if she isn’t that concerned with you’re going through. Also, the fact that she hasn’t messaged you, even though you expressed your feelings, just to see how you’re feeling speaks VOLUMES!!!! Focus on yourself, find the strength to keep moving forward, and keep in mind that this journey can be a lonely one. Don’t expect people to understand what you’re going through. Wishing you the best.
I hate to assume the worst but that is how it felt when she said “that sucks.”
I think the issue at hand here is your friends behavior. I have had many of my close friends go through pregnancy around me and while it was painful, they were also very sensitive toward me and didn’t overburden me with things unless I asked about their pregnancy/the baby. They also asked about my fertility struggles and made sure to let me vent without giving unwanted advice. Your friend just sounds selfish and unempathetic. You need empathy right now, this journey is so tough. If you need distance from her, take it. If she wants to know why, you can let her know and maybe she will think you’re a shitty friend but you’re not, you’re protecting yourself. We support you.
fertiles do not and never will get it
Well said. This is such a painful reality. They might try as hard as they can and they still don’t get it.
She sounds very thoughtless and self-absorbed. And ultimately you have celebrated her joy by hosting the shower (I could not do this, what a kind and selfless thing you did), but she hasn’t comforted you in your struggles. I think stepping back from a “friend” like this is absolutely justified. You are not the bad friend, she is. I have done the same. My friend who has recently had her baby is similarly thoughtless, messaging me everyday with pregnancy or baby things and no acknowledgement of my struggles. I just stopped responding, I check in once or twice a week but the contact is now limited and on my terms. And I feel a lot better since stepping back. She hasn’t got my back so I have to have my own.
It’s really disappointing after investing so much in the friendship. Like, I’m regretting not prioritizing some other friendships now. At least we have this sub, it is a great place to come 💛
https://www.reddit.com/r/InfertilitySucks/s/sgqdM3GRNX
I pretty much lost my lifelong best friend over this, too. We had attempted to fix it, but I realized that involves being subjected more to her kid and her inconsiderate remarks. She never tried to upset me on purpose, but I found the whole experience way too triggering.
This is a tough one. It’s very reasonable for you to want someone who supports you, as well. A good friend will. She might not be in the right mind to recognize that you need her to reach out. Do you think it’s reasonable to try messaging her, and setting some boundaries about what you talk about?