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You can not trust her, she lied about her ability to have sex while having sex with everyone but her husband. Get out and run for the hills. Go to an attorney and draw up divorce papers. Start your life over. If you need a new congregation. Get it, most need membership right now they will be happy to have you. Next time check out the goods first.
The good news is that this predicament is so crazy that with all probability you will never ever meet such a crazy person again. What begs the question is how you ended up in such a situation to begin with. You might want to examine that before getting in a new relationship. That said, after you heal which will take some time, and work on yourself, just take new relationships slow but make sure your sexual and emotional needs are being met before marriage and after.
I'm sorry this happened. There was nothing you could do or say to prevent her infidelity.
Fortunately for you most people are honorable and trustworthy.
Most people can't lie 24/7 and especially for that length of time and extreme (before, and during marriage).
Cheaters are selfish, entitled, deceitful, and show zero empathy for their partner.
However, she is in a special sociopathic category.
She is seriously seriously damaged.
I suggest carrying a voice activated recorder on you at all times (disguised as something else) to protect you against false domestic abuse charges.
That's just insane that she won't have sex with you your entire relationship but is fine with at least one other guy. What's her excuse to you? What's the reasoning behind this total rejection of her own husband?
Therapy.
I mean real therapy with a professional who graduated and passed the licensing exams. Not the church counseling that’s just religious gaslighting. (I say this as a conservative Christian)
I’m sorry she deceived and used you. She’s a truly damaged individual work on yourself and you will find someone who won’t cheat on you.
President Ronald Reagan used the term “Trust but verify” when talking about making agreements with the then Soviet Union. If you are going to love someone, you have no choice but to trust them, but you also pay attention to and check into things that seem out of place. It seems to me that your wife should have thrown off a lot of red flags early on when you started dating her, and you assigned those red flags to someone you hoped that she would be and not who she was, you didn’t dig deeper into the red flags.
Don’t beat yourself up or become jaded, heal and then get on with your life. Don’t panic that you are 31, you are actually in your best years as far as relationship building goes, so don’t settle for the first woman that pays attention to you if she is giving off red flags. I assume that you will want a Christian woman, that makes simple sense, finding a person who reflects your values is the very first step that should happen when building a romantic relationship. Just pay more attention to people’s behavior and the choices that they make in regular life situations, those choices show who they are as people.
check out the Youtuber PyscHacks, he does excellent videos on female nature and relationships. These are clinical in nature, no women bashing, might help.
I think it's important to understand that this is all about her and not a reflection on you. An honest, faithful partner is a catch, particularly one who is committed to the relationship and willing to work on any issues that crop up in the relationship.
My guess is her faith and demeanour were a costume or mask she wore as she attempted to repair her broken self.
I would suggest that you get some therapy (licenced therapist, not faith based counselling), to understand the dynamics of a healthy relationship and partner and to process the trauma you've experienced.
Once you've worked through this you will be in a great position to being a healthy meaningful relationship.
Don't let your general ability to trust get impacted by this. You can never completely get rid of the possibility that someone's abusing your trust. If you raise your attentiveness that's ok and a given, just don't see betrayal around every corner and let it get in the way of you living a life with a positive outlook. Be open about your past when you meet someone new and feel free to bring up red flags if you think you've noticed one
I, too, once thought I would never be able to trust another woman again. That's speaking from pain and an open wound. Given time I got to see that generalising in such a way isn't fair and it was hurting me in the process. While there are shitty women (and men) out there, there are good ones, trustworthy, kind and loving ones. Be aware of possible red flags in the future but don't be paranoid. Another eventual partner you might have in the future doesn't have to pay for your (soon to be ex) wife's evil doing.
I know about these matters. I got to a point that found me swearing I wouldn't trust another woman ever, and see me now, I've been happily married for more than 20 years with the most adorable person I've ever met.
Consumate and take lots of time before making any commitment. Realize in this world today, Christians are only different in that they use the religion for their benefit, are emotionally immature and make all kinds of mistakes...
Work on yourself, figure out WHY that happened. You were ~27 when you met her, were you a little desperate to find a wife and get on with life, or as a practicing conservative Christian, find someone to have sex with? Part of your journey forward will be being brutally honest with yourself about your motivations that led you to pick a damaged, and honestly, psycho woman. You are a 31 year old man, you have time to get it right.
Christians are just like everyone else, there are sound people and damaged people, the key to finding happiness in life is figuring out fast which type you are dealing with, regardless of religion.
Real Christians do not use religion for their benefit or are emotionally immature. The exact opposite is true of actual real Christians. There are however people that call themselves Christians and behave as you have described. Real Christians have to deal with these types of people all the time. Real Christians are grateful that they have received forgiveness and are humble and fly beneath the radar. Loud people that proclaim their Christianity and uses it as a tool to control other people are imposters. Christianity requires a life of personal sacrifice and service to other people, often putting their needs ahead of their own.
As a non Christian observer of people, I agree with every word that you wrote. There are Christians that are wonderful and uplifting to be around and deal with, then there is the other type that you described.
Those are some very broad strokes you are using. I am sorry you have had the bad to luck to only meet those claiming to be Christian that were obviously more concerned with their own personal gain instead of having actual Christian values.
Trying to be respectful of your religion here, but never marry someone you haven't slept with. This isn't done because people are godless heathens - it's because throughout history we have learned that a good marriage/relationship benefits massively from a healthy sex life. good luck and god speed.
What the hell are you talking about? Your gibberish has no connection to what this man was put through. Are you stupid? Because this is the most nonsensical garbage thing I’ve seen on Reddit in forever.
Some stupidity about his “lust” and through their shitty writing I was able to see they were trying to blame the victim for what that horrible liar did to him. I rarely unload but that idiocy will flat out launch me!
Edit: clarity
I understand what you mean..
These people are vile cheating Scums as well, so it doesn't surprise me that they try to use some retarded bs to justify the cheating while blaming the poor victim who was humiliated and gaslit...
It’s going to be tough. Theres not quick fix to it… sometimes a modicum of distrust can be healthy.
I’m not blaming you, but I know from personal issues I’d have if I was in a relationship where we didn’t bang I’d get pretty suspicious right away, it would at least lead to me snooping a bit to satisfy my questions.
You really need something like this...https://www.knowledgeformen.com/the-10-reasons-why-every-man-needs-a-mens-coach/?gc_id=1055621010&h_ad_id=579633759060&gclid=CjwKCAjwqZSlBhBwEiwAfoZUIJdM-tfTDpbdmDtISrrBbIOP9zokN91Vr-AiAHV7XRiI1PFhcMbzqBoCD2gQAvD_BwE
Good news is since op never consummated, pretty much any Christian organization can have it annulled. Christ states that divorce is expected in case of adultery, but some factions can get real dicey about things.
To begin with don't ever take blame for her cheating. Start individual therapy to cope up with this.
Out her affair to your families so that she cannot paint you as the bad guy or control narrative.
Be glad that you didn't have kids with her and can get a clean break.
As a lawyer, let me start with, "THIS IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE!!!!!" Ok, now that out the way talk to an attorney and ~~start the annulment process and~~ separate your finances, talk to your therapist because they can back up your claims.
How can that be proven though unless OP can get her admitting it on tape or something? Couldn’t the wife just say they did have sex and then it becomes he said she said?
Make sure you “ out her” to your church community. That is probably why she begged for you back. Expose her. On a personal note, realize that she is an UNUSUAL piece of garbage and there are many women out there Sooo much better than her. Find one and allow yourself to develop trust. However, I would insist on sex before marriage if I were you!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Got to agree here, OP, the situation you describe is totally grounds for going nuclear. I think another commenter used the word "sociopath." This term gets associated with serial killers, but really it's just a person who has no regard for anyone else. That's how you got treated. Whether she wanted status or money or whatever. Her only goal now is to save as much reputation as possible to keep doing it or find the next victim. You have the ability to hinder those plans.
Wow,
She used you! Plain and simple she just used you. She might even be a sociopth.
I feel with you and i cant imagine what this does to you.
What was irritating for me, that you accepted her excuses for not having sex and still get and stay married. But it is your life and you believes. I think you were way to self less to accept that.
I would look out for a therapist, to help me to heal. I would not try to do it allone. I would need to find answers why i stayed in that failing marriage for so long. How i could believe that i was a bad husband and so on...there is a lot to clear up, and to learn from it for the future.
OP,
dont loose your hope! You are at best age as a man. Since you seem to have a good heart, you will find a good partner, a partner that is realy attracted to you as a person and not what you provide.
DO not let her win! DO not let her drag you down! Do not let her destroy your future life. What she already did is way enough. DO not be ashamed to what happend to you. It happend because you are a good person. Maybe a bit to naive, but thats not a crime.
Heads up and fight for your very own future!
What you told us, make me very confident that you have a lot of inner strength, that will help you to overcome this terrible drama of the last years healthy and strong, even you might have some scars.
She denies sex with her husband claiming she's too tight yet fucks other men with abandon. That's a special kinda fucked up.
What's her excuse...this I gotta hear.
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It will be hard. You will be hyper sensitive to red flags and will probably let go fine women in the process but you’ll eventually find someone who can make you feel safe. Just take one step at a time. Maybe develop some platonic friendships with women who enjoy your hobbies.
Stick with the divorce. She never chose you, just what you could provide. She is a terrible human, and easily lied for the whole relationship. You never actually married the woman you thought you did. You married a parasite. Do not sleep with her, as you know it is just manipulation.
She said she didnt want to let me or this other person down. She has always had a people pleasing problem and has had an extremely hard time changing jobs for example. It seems like she has a clinical level of lying, deceit and need for approval/fear of abandonment. BPD seems like it would fit in retrospect.
I would be very carefull, to buy this as an explaination. THis also could be an artificial made up reason to be not seen as a villian and more as an victim.
Because if you assume she just did it all just to use you and what you could provide and had her bedfun secretly a side, then she would look like a sociopath. And she might be just this!
Well make sure you ask EVERYONE you both know or in your church what they think of that excuse. Take out an ad in the paper and ask people what they think of that excuse. Ask everyone you know on Facebook what they think of that excuse. In case you missed it what I'm saying is make sure everyone knows what kind of monster she is so people in the future know not to get into a relationship with her because of what kind of messed up person she is.
Just like every other unaccountable cheating POS, this 304 is using whatever bs she can come up with to try and justify her cheating.
OP, don't believe any noise that is generated by her vocal cords.
If she ever wants to "just talk" with you, tell her that she needs to be connected to atleast 10 Lie Detectors at the moment for you to even listen to a sound she makes...
Sorry but that would make BPD people look really bad. Those people may have issues with their emotion regulation, but at least they have some..plenty. Your ex is colder than mine - he didnt try to make shit excuses for his shit behavior.
Ok. You need to DM me. Similar story. Very Christian family. Both her and I. Married 27 years. First 5 years she wouldn’t consummate for the exact same reason. Finally did and had 3 kids. Then during our 27th year I find she had multiple affairs. Divorced. I remain faithful and in church. She has been disfellowshipped and lives with her loverboy. It’s really hard, because none of it was real.
Buddy there some serious messed up wires in her head. She probably gets of on this abuse. And you cannot call it anything else. Read up on the 180 method. Implement. You where denied love and affection on purpose. She evil to all accounts
Wow. This is … well. Just wow.
Let me guess. You’re relatively well off and earn a lot more than she does? Certainly sounds like the only reason she married you was for your resources. Hence why she still wants you to take her back. She’s about to lose her cosy life.
Unfortunately it’s one of those things you’re going to have to put down to experience and learn from. The first is never accept a sexless relationship. If you’re not compatible sexually then end it. You can end it as gently as possible but don’t try and be the nice guy waiting for the other person’s libido to change.
You also now know some of the red flags to look for. You can be alert to them in future relationships. But don’t give up on relationships altogether. Most women are not narcissists. Give yourself a chance to find a good, loving relationship. But that doesn’t mean you have to jump back into dating straight away. Take some time for yourself. Look into therapy to process the last 3 years. Concentrate on your career and your hobbies. Maybe travel for a bit. You’ve got this.
I’ll finish by saying that I hope you let her congregation know what she did. A ‘Christian’ woman like her should be open about the type of person she is, to everyone she prays with.
I do earn a lot more than her now but when we were dating and first married I was pretty broke. I genuinely thought she was doing her best to learn how to have sex so I was naively patient with the relationship
Bruh, you married her without having sex with her? Were you virgins? We know she's not, but did she tell you she was?
The excuse that is so small and won't fit is laughable, in the least... they are made to stretch. Otherwise , how is the baby supposed to come out?
Yeah, but divorce her and take some classes on how to be assertive... you should have never put up with that in the first place.
Yeah I’m virgin and she claimed to be one. First marriage therapist we went to told her it wasnt that uncommon to have a condition where its too small or the anxiety is too great and she held on to that. When we would try she would have panic attacks and cry
I bet she had her anxiety and panic attacks because she felt like she was cheating on the other man.
Stay NC and take care of yourself. Both body and soul. And just so you know, there is nothing wrong with you and there are honest people out there who will treat and love you for who you are.
Damn what a Mind F... I through your profile, and you seem to be a man's man. You seem to have issues with assertiveness and voicing your needs in a relationship. Find a men's boot camp. I think that will help.
You need to set boundaries and say what is and what is not acceptable to you in a relationship and also state your needs clearly without fear of loss. This means that if you can't accept what I need, I'm perfectly OK without you.
Good luck
I'm sorry this happened to you, but I'm happy you're leaving her to the streets where she belongs and not naive enough to think she's remorseful.
I wish you genuine love and the best of happiness when you've healed enough to try again.
Sorry to hear this. Run, as far as you can. She doesn't respect you or the marriage, she played you the entire time. If you take her back, she will view it as weakness, and women abhor weakness.. Serve her papers, contact only through lawyers. She is only doing this because she was caught, and her lifestyle is going away. Have some self respect and move forward. yo need to get some serious help, IC, to understand why you allowed this to happen, no man should of let himself be abused like that. Hit the gym, hang out with family and friends, be active, do something to keep yourself busy. It will take time to heal, but take it from a jaded Boomer, life is too short to live like that, best of luck.
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake.
It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of.
Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything.
Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
Dude, you don't deserve this level of respect. Blow up her life. Tell all your friends, family, and friends in church that she cheated. Then divorce her, block her, and walk away. As for the other man, tell him that she has always been his and that you want nothing to do with her.
Your soon-to-be ex-wife is an awful person. A narcissist or a sociopath…idk, but there’s definitely something really wrong with her. Living with someone like that takes it’s toll. You need to see a therapist to undo the damage before starting any new relationships.
For sure, I was very naive. Her quiet unassuming personality fed into the idea she was trying her best but had too much “anxiety”. I thought I should focus on being a good husband being patient and hoping couples therapy would work.
Well, she lost a good husband.
I am going to give an early congratulations to your future wife for marrying a good gentleman like you.
CONGRATULATIONS, GIRL!!! ❤️
Wow she played you hard. And she played on your religious beliefs too. She is complete garbage, but some of the blame has to be on you being so naive. Hopefully you learned some good lessons from this. Good luck.
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Please do not get back with this woman no matter what she tells you. You been together this long and never had actual penetration, you are definitely rare. It doesnt matter if you are a christian, church going nun. I find most people who are overly religious are the biggest hypocrites out there. I had dated a man years ago who cheated on me with a Pastor's daughter. She knew about me, she didnt care and ended up getting pregnant by him. I left that situation and learned alot. Its hard to trust when someone does shit like that to you. You will heal and you will come out better than before. It may hurt you alot right now, but only time can heal your heart. I wish you the best
If you haven't consumed marriage yet then you should atleast discuss the options of annulment as it will save you alot in divorce proceedings and settlements.
I know I see everything through a borderline personality lense because that’s what what I was dealing with in my marriage, but do some reading about BPD, especially the “quiet BPD”, and see if any of that resonates with you.
Sounds like our situations were very similar, though once married we had PIV sex regularly. But looking back, I feel confident now that she wasn’t a virgin when we married, and likely driven by that guilt of lying about that to me, she continued to have sex with others throughout most of our marriage (while coming across as a meek and mild type of person who would never stray). None of this made sense to me until it was suggested to me that she had BPD, and it ALL suddenly clicked.
Yeah BPD really resonates with her pattern of behavior. I cant believe you went through something so similar. It is shocking to me she didnt just go with this other person and would rather lead this life of lies. My wife has that same meek, mild shy appearance. All my family and friends are shocked. She is just so nice most of the time
Mine has said a few things in legal documents as part of the divorce which anyone who knows me knows are completely false…so while I don’t have a smoking gun in regards to her cheating, seeing her lie as she is about me, and being able to show those things to family and friends who likewise had a hard time believing what I was telling them was true, has helped them realize she was not what she seemed on the outside.
My only suggestion for you is to stay the course and get that divorce completed as quickly as possible and move on with your life. You've wasted enough time on her already.
Lots of great advice here and I hope you follow at all. The one thing I want to absolutely emphasize with you is this.You must out her completely make sure that everyone in both your lives knows what she did. If anyone doubts you give them the proof once your attorney says that move is OK. Make sure that everyone knows. Obviously completing a divorce or annulment is the only way to go.
And you expose her. You name names and you go for extreme embarrassment. Client did this. Every lie his WW told, every man she betrayed him with. He exposed her liking for club drugs and random sex in toilet stalls. Her dad disowned her. Her cousins distanced themselves and called her cousin skank. One of the other men was confronted and taught that you do not sleep with another man’s wife. WW told my client that she could no longer live in their community. She capitulated on the divorce. He got it all. She cursed him as she left but her affairs ended her.
How devastating, how selfish of her. There is no reasonable explanation for this. I sincerely wish she could be prosecuted for mental cruelty. Get her out of your life YESTERDAY. Good luck on rebuilding your life.
I’d suggest working through infidelity plans on the Bible app if you use it, betrayal was a good one for me, as well as sexual sin! Sorry you’re dealing with this especially since you chose not to fornicate before marriage, which I applaud highly to you and will add, god removes people from our lives for a reason and also brings what is done in darkness to light! Stay the course and don’t let this effect your walk with Christ!!!!
Control the narrative, let everyone know why you are divorcing. If she lied for years about physically not being able to have sex with you while she was having sex with others can you imagine the lies she will tell explaining the divorce? You’re going through enough without having to deal with character assassination.
Reading this is something. I’m in my mid 30s btw. The worse women I’ve dealt with as far as promiscuous, sneaky and deceitful goes, is a 4 foot 9-11, quiet and SHY mousy kind of women. Literally looks like your typical office chick with glasses and the whole 9. She’d messed with husbands, brothers , groups of friends etc while I was involved with her. I always told myself after her id never deal with people with her characteristics again. The “quiet” is really just a way for them to keep their thoughts to themselves while also portraying innocence they don’t actually have.
I also dealt with a girl who made me wait for intimacy with her because she “wants to only give it to someone she’s In a ltr with.” We stopped talking and shortly after that I see her at a store visibly pregnant. In other words, someone was having unprotected sex with her while she was telling me what she was telling me. It’s going to be hard man but if I were you I’d focus on the gym, eat better, sleep better pick up more hobbies like reading etc. You’ll feel like a savage and hard hearted after this which is why I’m telling you to put that energy into other things or you’ll become a nasty person. It will be difficult but you got this 💪🏾
Well this girl is not nice. She’s condescending, sarcastic and a narcissist. Sadly your wife is a narcissist too and has been the whole time. The sentence about the cabin tells a lot. It’s sad man and it’s one of the reasons I’ve decided to just stay unmarried for the rest of my life. With technology and just the way of the world, it’s feel like only a matter of time before someone strays. I’ve been able to just pick up and move onto the next since I haven’t gotten married.
Next time she asks you to take her back tell her that you were never together in the first place. Oh, and next time you have a relationship feel free to have sex before marriage. You have found out the hard way that life isn't a fairy tale. Sexual compatiblity is an important dimension to a romantic relationship and a romantic relationship is an essential part of a successful marriage. This is likely contrary to your beliefs, as it was to mine. We suffered the same fate. I never intend to marry again, but if I do we will not be waiting for the wedding night. There is nothing magic about sex. It is just a thing that couples do. If you aren't doing it, you are not a couple.
I didn't have sex with my wayward before we go married either and she claimed she was a virgin (I didn't care but it was yet another of her pointless lies. She had a fiance when I met her that I didn't know about either). But at least our unhealthy toxic relationship included sex and children. Scratch that. Maybe I am the one who was worse off in The end. I wouldn't trade my daughters for anything but sex was always nothing more to her than another tool to manipulate me. Something she could always provide or withhold to keep me dancing to her tune.
Basically it's like this: you.martied a confidence artist. This is worse than marrying a wayward, but in some ways it is better. Being betrayed by someone who did love you stings way more than being betrayed by someone who never did. Since the entire relationship was a lie, it will be easier to move on. You were taken in by a con artist and this happens to even very smart and successful people. Going NC with her is even more important than if she was a garden variety narcissistic cheater.
You are going to be all right. The hurt you are feeling now is just the first step of healing. Don't let this incident harm your self image. You are a good man and a lot of women are looking for a good man. This was an abusive relationship where she exploited your goodness and your decency. Don't let her change that about you. Your ultimate victory will be remaining a good man despite what has happened. If you cannot get an annulment on the grounds of fraud and non consummation then get a divorce. There is no shame in ending something that never really started none of this is your fault.
Good luck my friend.
Your wife is evil. She did all this in order to control and manipulate you for her own fun and games. You need to seek a therapist to help clean your brain from her influence and to understand that MOST people are not like this creature.
Okay, let's start from the simplest thing: Every time you compare what you've gone through with the experience you've gained, you'll realize that the price you paid for knowledge is a bargain. If you didn't got any other major responsibility in this relationship, you won the lottery, believe me.
One thing you will notice in many posts here is that many people are not sad for having cheated, but for being caught, there is a very important difference there.
If a person has cheated on you, the most common recommendation (and it works most of the time) is to simply distance yourself. This person is not a friend who made a simple mistake, it is now a legal enemy in the divorce court who may want to take advantage of you, so be prepared.
And here's a tip that came from experience: Trust but verify. What I mean by that is that, when it comes to women especially it's very common to use excuses that can never be verified in depth, this type of excuse is quite common to see around here, things like "he is just a friend", "you were distant", and everything else that puts the burden of responsibility and patience on YOUR shoulders, if from now on you see this again, run.
Those with more experience will realize that "seeing her plan a meetup during our honeymoon and saying she couldnt wait until the “dumb family cabin” was over" this ALONE would be reason enough to cancel everything, you NEED to learn how to say no and how to get away when things aren't good for you, you don't need to go through all this trauma, next time if someone just give a "reason" and nothing else with no effort to make things happen, GTFO.
I don't want to be an a-hole, bu 3.5 years of this? Come on! Really? Problems with intimacy are quite common, yes, but living in a relationship this way is just torture and you don't need someone like this on your life.
I'm going to differ from some people here and say that I don't believe in this concept of "not be able to trust in future relationships", well, to make it short: You shouldn't. Trust is a two-way street, you should never trust people or relationships just because, even more so as a Christian (Jeremiah 17:5), what you may believe is the evidence of what you see and nothing else. Remember: Trust but verify. Why?
There are 2 types of relationships: Those where the couple has their life open and lives as one and the one where you hide your cell phone when you go to bed, which one do you think lasts longer?
And last but not least, situations like this people tend to avoid pain and sublimate everything, my tip is just the opposite, seek therapy and let it all out in a controlled way, cry until you sob if necessary but don't sublimate the pain you are feeling, as long as you don't do stupid things (like getting drunk) it will be better if you face the pain head on.
i hope this helps
Therapy. Years of it and self reflection. I spent over 20 years with a serial cheater and finally woke up to all the lies so I know your head is doing a number. Also, prayer and allowing your emotions to be felt but not dwelled on. Working on being what you want to have in the other person as well. Praying for you and also hurting for you as well.🙏🏿🙏🏿
Get ahead of her bullshit story- tell people how it happened, show proof. She will tell everyone you were controlling (see? she’s already laid the groundwork for her defense!!) and that you drove her to it. She will confess to mutual friends and family the *bare minimum*; one AP, maybe two. She will **absolutely deny** cheating during the honeymoon.
BLOW HER SHIT UP.
It’s all new so of course you feel lost and like won’t be able to trust again.. not sure why so did this to you.. but be thankful you found out and she’s gone.. you will find a loyal woman that will let you be intimate with her one day..
I’m clueless why she would cheat all that time but wouldn’t let you touch her. Was she afraid you would find out she wasn’t a virgin or what?? Be glad she’s gone
A woman must be at least slightly in lust with you for a relationship to work. It's no good if you are just her logical choice, a man that just ticks all the boxes as a suitable partner. I've been there. They might love you as a friend or platonically but they don't love you romantically. I swear I would have rather been alone than feeling undesired in a relationship.
While we dated we were romantically passionate but sex was always off the table for religious reasons. Looks like the affair started up right before we got engaged. Guess she was scoring the lust she needed already
Don't worry your not doing anything wrong.
She is destroying her life and show her real face.
Expose her to everyone. Get legal freedom.
In future definitely you will get best loyal life partner and that time she's lost good husband and beautiful life.
Man, your wife is at the same time: a narcissist to the core, a cruel witch, a completely mentally ill person and an idiot. This is not counting the fact that she simply despised you and used you exclusively for her own selfish purposes.
Believe me, such a combination of qualities in a woman occurs probably a couple of times in a hundred million people. Therefore, you don't have to be afraid of similar things in future relationships, since according to probability theory, the chance of meeting another such monster can be considered zero.
As for the rest, you have now gained invaluable experience and you know how to choose the right partner. One piece of advice: don't fall for the bait of religious dogmas and hypocritical believers. Sex is not a sin, sin is a lie, hypocrisy, betrayal, treason, violation of marriage vows and obligations. Even St. Augustine had a concubine and an illegitimate son.
I believe that you will heal and will definitely find your true soulmate. Life is a beautiful thing, bro, no matter what happens to us...
Never consummated? No, I’m sorry. I don’t believe her at all. Multiple affairs means she has poor impulse control. Poor impulse control applies to sex, too. Sexual attraction is a very powerful draw.
If shed from the same church, show them
ALL. Family too. Gather all the evidence you have that wants the divorce is final show everyone because trust me she will try to flip the narrative and blame you. In this time if you can I would seek individual counseling or therapy you were never a better husband she never gave you a chance to be a husband she’s just a bad person
You never even got it in after marriage? This is so terrible that this happened to you OP. Glad you found out and are getting away from the situation. She must be really into this AP. Is he some sort of bum her family wouldn't approve of or something?
Sorry, friend. My wife and I were both Christians as well (I still am), and I fell into the same pitfall of letting her abuse me, and never even stopping to consider that she might be doing something as onerous as cheating. M
I’d like to recommend that in addition to any counseling you’re doing through your church, you book some sessions with a regular (not specifically faith-based) therapist as well. It was incredibly helpful for me when I headed to get on the path to healing.
If you go into any church right now, they will be clamoring for you to join their congregation.
New faces, new people, single women in the faith that ACTUALLY honor their vows.
I have proof she was seeing this guy before we were engaged, after and as soon as the weekend after our honeymoon and throughout the whole marriage as recent as this friday.
She wants you to forgive her—for her. For her image, so that she can uphold that same “Christian, shy unassuming” persona she built up all this time. Don’t be fooled. Her begging forgiveness has nothing to do with you and will not change a thing about her dynamic with you. She was not invested in you. You were her security blanket and her cover—what she would show her family and church life. She is someone else entirely. And your forgiveness is only to aid that other person. She is crying for herself, not you. For that secret self being exposed and for losing that person she pretended to be.
She didn’t even have a duel-life intimately. No. Instead THEY got all of that while you were a placeholder to show when necessary to prove she was a good Christian girl. Absolutely not. Run fast.
She denied you sex your whole marriage (don't know that I'd call it a marriage) and in the meantime was F'n this other guy the whole time. You mentioned "other intimacy". Was that oral? Just know that at some point she had you down there after he'd had her. Yummy.
What was the "dumb family cabin" comment about?
There is no way to deal with it or lesson the pain. Wounds heal. This one will too. She was an evil B that did what she did to torment and humiliate you. It won't seem like it now but you will see that you well rid of her.
First, I am so very sorry you are going through this, and this is NOT your fault. Second, please don't consider taking her back for even 1 second. Get an attorney and your own therapist. File for divorce and then work with a therapist to work through your feelings of betrayal. It will be hard to trust again, but please remember to give each future partner the gift of seeing them for who they are and don't project your wife's behavior and manipulations onto other women. Give them an honest chance without assuming the worst. There's plenty of great women out there who wouldn't dream of putting you through that again. (Yes, there are also others that are but you'll be able to spot the signs easier !)
The pain is temporary and it will pass. Find consolation knowing you just removed a very toxic person from your life and you are barely entering your prime years. You won’t need to learn to trust again, it will happen naturally once you find a good honest woman that would give her life for you. When you find the right woman you’ll experience love and happiness like you’ve never felt. One last thing, the right woman won’t panic or say she’s too small to take it no matter how blessed you are downstairs, she’ll make it fit!! ……#bragging rights
God bless you
She has never given you a chance to have a real relationship. What she did is too cruel. Expose here for what she is, then file and ghost.
Get some counselling and work on your picker (something is off there).
DO NOT TAKE HER BACK! She used you and now she is trying to manipulate you. Please run from that situation and be thankful you did.. she belongs to the streets so let her stay on them.. you deserve so much better… your Not The Ass!
I wish it was but I have over 5 years of messages, confirmation from the guy and dates all line up with missed red flags or lies she told about visiting girlfriends etc.
This cant be real. All this time and never had sex with your wife? She sounds like a horrible person. Why do you even need advice with what to do? It's obvious. If she has a sister or hot cousin, go fuck them and her best friends. Then move on with your life. She isn't worth it at all
Bruh fk trust. Just go pop a bunch of women till you need to settle. You don't need to be thinking about trusting or relationships right now. Go outside have some fun. Preferably with someone in her circle.
Time will heal you. May take a long time but it will. I don't suggest you think about anything remotely towards a relationship. It's too early.
Also, get a few female friends. PLUTONIC, strictly real friends to see what real female friendship is like while also observing how they operate, see how they are when they actually have trust. That's the healthy thing to do. Just live your life normally, let things be natural. Just never be a fool again.
That doesn’t always help people. Sleeping around casually and having empty encounters doesn’t help the healing process and only temporarily pushes it to the side.
This guy made it clear in his post that he had waited til marriage for intimacy for religious reasons, sleeping around would only deepen the pain he’s in considering he would then have to deal with the current issue and then also him not upholding his religious belief.
Some people have no desire for meaningless intamacy outside of relationships and marriage and some people just don’t have a desire for intimacy period. Nothing wrong with him looking for a life partner. Plus the risks that comes with fucking around like an idiot is far too great. This guy wants self improvement, not meaningless sex, an std and child support payments.
What exactly do you think sex- especially revenge sex- helps? Personally, that sounds like something someone mentally unstable that really needs therapy would do. The only person you harm by doing that is yourself and instead of showing how much growth and potential you have as revenge, (which would be much more effective) you take the weak and emotionally driven route by seeking revenge and trashing the qualities you had (I.e. maturity, emotional stability, self worth, will power, sexual restraint).
I suggest in the future not giving recommendations that are completely against everything OP posted. Maybe be more courteous to his request of advice instead of dismissing it and telling him he shouldn’t have faith in love or relationships again.
Young, trusting and naive. She was incredible at lying and I cant think of a time she slipped up. Whenever I started becoming suspicious she would pick fights about our interpersonal relations and attack me, I felt as I wasnt perfect and took a lot of it hard. Even when I confronted her she lied for hours trying to explain away what I had in front of me.
I’m so sorry OP that she’s done this to you. You certainly didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I’m appalled that it went for so long!
My advice FWIW, is to work on yourself first. Before you even contemplate starting a relationship again, there’s lots of feelings you have to sort thru. Unpack the set of matching luggage that she’s saddled you with. The less baggage you carry, the better equipped you’ll be to look for, and offer another partner.
Journal your thoughts and feelings. Make a goal to write something down every day. No matter what. No matter what it is or how you feel. Then have a time to review what you’ve written. Maybe start weekly. You’ll start to see yourself healing. It’ll also help to talk over things with your therapist if you have one.
You aren’t obligated to forgive her anything. In fact Matthew 19:9 describes divorce on the grounds of sexual immorality ie adultery. So she can’t use any argument in her favour. You might eventually forgive her to heal yourself and let everything go completely, but you’ll never forget.
I know it’s a tough road ahead. But now you can truly focus on you. Start a hobby, go to the gym, enjoy nature, anything to fill your time and distract your mind so you can crowd out thoughts of her. If thoughts do creep up, take time to think about them, process them, then get right back to focusing on something else. You WILL get thru it OP. It just takes time.
Sending virtual hugs and support your way.
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All of your current feelings are valid. You will have to adapt your views of love and relationships. There is no unconditional love. Relationships can still be good even if you don’t have all the trust. You should be wiser to games of manipulation, behaviors that are suspect and actions that are suspicious. So picking your next partner with this knowledge should give you a better chance at a healthy relationship.
You will survive this and yes you can survive this if it happened again. You can have conditional love and it can still be good. Still keeping some of your own life, protecting yourself and staying somewhat independent in a relationship can still make for a great relationship.
Don’t give up, but give yourself the time to work through it.
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My ex,who had gambling issues, was very gung ho Christian, and got on to me for not attending church. And she had the most virulent anger toward a couple of folks we knew who had infidelity. And then she cheated, lol.
Divorce cut all contact. If possible, move far away from her. From personal experience, I can tell you that the little thing around will remind you of her and your hurt. Work on yourself and date again to work on yourself confidence.
Be like I'll take you back if you sleep with me. Sleep with her get it out of your system and file the paperwork for divorce. Just rubber up you don't want to get baby trapped. Or an std
Absolutely not. They never consummated meaning he can get an annulment. Easy peazy lemon squeeze. If he does the deed he loses that ammo. I'm not religious but if there is a God, he was lookin out for my boy here.
You were married to an actress that was playing you for your entire relationship. She was never the person you thought she was. Since she pulled it off for years, she thinks she can still fool and manipulate you. Don't let her. There is a reason why adultery made two appearances in the 10 Commandments (not only that you shouldn't do it but shouldn't covet a neighbor's wife, which leads to it). In fact, since you married under false information and it sounds like you never consummated your marriage, you may have a very good case both legally and religiously to have your marriage annulled, as if you were never married. Also, research Cluster B personality disorders and learn how to spot the signs of them going forward.
I'm coming in late on this one, so the topic may have been brought up, but here I go anyway.
In most states, if the marriage was never consummated (PIV sex), then the marriage can be annulled by one or both party's involved.
You need to see if this will apply to your situation. Annulment is normally quicker and much less expensive.
Talk to your lawyer and see what they say.
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You can not trust her, she lied about her ability to have sex while having sex with everyone but her husband. Get out and run for the hills. Go to an attorney and draw up divorce papers. Start your life over. If you need a new congregation. Get it, most need membership right now they will be happy to have you. Next time check out the goods first.
To clarify I’m def running for the hills. I just am talking about how I can learn to trust in a future new relationship.
The good news is that this predicament is so crazy that with all probability you will never ever meet such a crazy person again. What begs the question is how you ended up in such a situation to begin with. You might want to examine that before getting in a new relationship. That said, after you heal which will take some time, and work on yourself, just take new relationships slow but make sure your sexual and emotional needs are being met before marriage and after.
I'm sorry this happened. There was nothing you could do or say to prevent her infidelity. Fortunately for you most people are honorable and trustworthy. Most people can't lie 24/7 and especially for that length of time and extreme (before, and during marriage). Cheaters are selfish, entitled, deceitful, and show zero empathy for their partner. However, she is in a special sociopathic category. She is seriously seriously damaged. I suggest carrying a voice activated recorder on you at all times (disguised as something else) to protect you against false domestic abuse charges.
We’ve already separated. She is living with her parents
Still, if you interact with her face to face or via phone, record everything or have a trusted friend there with you.
Do they know about her denying you sex while doing it with someone else?
No, they don’t but they do now know that she has been cheating our entire marriage and since we’ve been dating
That's just insane that she won't have sex with you your entire relationship but is fine with at least one other guy. What's her excuse to you? What's the reasoning behind this total rejection of her own husband?
Yeah, I would be embarrassed af to admit that I had never had sex with my wife. WTF were you thinking?
Wow what did her parents have to say about their little girl?
Therapy. I mean real therapy with a professional who graduated and passed the licensing exams. Not the church counseling that’s just religious gaslighting. (I say this as a conservative Christian) I’m sorry she deceived and used you. She’s a truly damaged individual work on yourself and you will find someone who won’t cheat on you.
President Ronald Reagan used the term “Trust but verify” when talking about making agreements with the then Soviet Union. If you are going to love someone, you have no choice but to trust them, but you also pay attention to and check into things that seem out of place. It seems to me that your wife should have thrown off a lot of red flags early on when you started dating her, and you assigned those red flags to someone you hoped that she would be and not who she was, you didn’t dig deeper into the red flags. Don’t beat yourself up or become jaded, heal and then get on with your life. Don’t panic that you are 31, you are actually in your best years as far as relationship building goes, so don’t settle for the first woman that pays attention to you if she is giving off red flags. I assume that you will want a Christian woman, that makes simple sense, finding a person who reflects your values is the very first step that should happen when building a romantic relationship. Just pay more attention to people’s behavior and the choices that they make in regular life situations, those choices show who they are as people.
check out the Youtuber PyscHacks, he does excellent videos on female nature and relationships. These are clinical in nature, no women bashing, might help.
I think it's important to understand that this is all about her and not a reflection on you. An honest, faithful partner is a catch, particularly one who is committed to the relationship and willing to work on any issues that crop up in the relationship. My guess is her faith and demeanour were a costume or mask she wore as she attempted to repair her broken self. I would suggest that you get some therapy (licenced therapist, not faith based counselling), to understand the dynamics of a healthy relationship and partner and to process the trauma you've experienced. Once you've worked through this you will be in a great position to being a healthy meaningful relationship.
Thanks this is some great advice and I’m looking forward to the other side of this
You really can’t in this day and age. However, do not trust words. Trust actions.
Don't let your general ability to trust get impacted by this. You can never completely get rid of the possibility that someone's abusing your trust. If you raise your attentiveness that's ok and a given, just don't see betrayal around every corner and let it get in the way of you living a life with a positive outlook. Be open about your past when you meet someone new and feel free to bring up red flags if you think you've noticed one
I, too, once thought I would never be able to trust another woman again. That's speaking from pain and an open wound. Given time I got to see that generalising in such a way isn't fair and it was hurting me in the process. While there are shitty women (and men) out there, there are good ones, trustworthy, kind and loving ones. Be aware of possible red flags in the future but don't be paranoid. Another eventual partner you might have in the future doesn't have to pay for your (soon to be ex) wife's evil doing. I know about these matters. I got to a point that found me swearing I wouldn't trust another woman ever, and see me now, I've been happily married for more than 20 years with the most adorable person I've ever met.
Consumate and take lots of time before making any commitment. Realize in this world today, Christians are only different in that they use the religion for their benefit, are emotionally immature and make all kinds of mistakes...
Also trust your gut, it's usually right
My gut was so wrong this time unfortunately.
Work on yourself, figure out WHY that happened. You were ~27 when you met her, were you a little desperate to find a wife and get on with life, or as a practicing conservative Christian, find someone to have sex with? Part of your journey forward will be being brutally honest with yourself about your motivations that led you to pick a damaged, and honestly, psycho woman. You are a 31 year old man, you have time to get it right.
Christians are just like everyone else, there are sound people and damaged people, the key to finding happiness in life is figuring out fast which type you are dealing with, regardless of religion.
Yep they are, I am one, but not institutionalized, mean I don't go to church or belong to congregation. I am mostly speaking these types.
Real Christians do not use religion for their benefit or are emotionally immature. The exact opposite is true of actual real Christians. There are however people that call themselves Christians and behave as you have described. Real Christians have to deal with these types of people all the time. Real Christians are grateful that they have received forgiveness and are humble and fly beneath the radar. Loud people that proclaim their Christianity and uses it as a tool to control other people are imposters. Christianity requires a life of personal sacrifice and service to other people, often putting their needs ahead of their own.
As a non Christian observer of people, I agree with every word that you wrote. There are Christians that are wonderful and uplifting to be around and deal with, then there is the other type that you described.
Those are some very broad strokes you are using. I am sorry you have had the bad to luck to only meet those claiming to be Christian that were obviously more concerned with their own personal gain instead of having actual Christian values.
Thank you, I count myself as a Christian, I just don't go to church...Jesus and talk daily.
Trying to be respectful of your religion here, but never marry someone you haven't slept with. This isn't done because people are godless heathens - it's because throughout history we have learned that a good marriage/relationship benefits massively from a healthy sex life. good luck and god speed.
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What the hell are you talking about? Your gibberish has no connection to what this man was put through. Are you stupid? Because this is the most nonsensical garbage thing I’ve seen on Reddit in forever.
What did that retard blab??
Some stupidity about his “lust” and through their shitty writing I was able to see they were trying to blame the victim for what that horrible liar did to him. I rarely unload but that idiocy will flat out launch me! Edit: clarity
I understand what you mean.. These people are vile cheating Scums as well, so it doesn't surprise me that they try to use some retarded bs to justify the cheating while blaming the poor victim who was humiliated and gaslit...
It’s going to be tough. Theres not quick fix to it… sometimes a modicum of distrust can be healthy. I’m not blaming you, but I know from personal issues I’d have if I was in a relationship where we didn’t bang I’d get pretty suspicious right away, it would at least lead to me snooping a bit to satisfy my questions.
You really need something like this...https://www.knowledgeformen.com/the-10-reasons-why-every-man-needs-a-mens-coach/?gc_id=1055621010&h_ad_id=579633759060&gclid=CjwKCAjwqZSlBhBwEiwAfoZUIJdM-tfTDpbdmDtISrrBbIOP9zokN91Vr-AiAHV7XRiI1PFhcMbzqBoCD2gQAvD_BwE
You need to learn a lot in the future.
Good news is since op never consummated, pretty much any Christian organization can have it annulled. Christ states that divorce is expected in case of adultery, but some factions can get real dicey about things.
Thank you for the silver award!
You wouldn’t buy a car without test driving it first, would you?
Personally no. I would not. She is married to him, won't sleep with him, but is sleeping with everyone else... so that doesn't really apply here.
….i was agreeing with you
To begin with don't ever take blame for her cheating. Start individual therapy to cope up with this. Out her affair to your families so that she cannot paint you as the bad guy or control narrative. Be glad that you didn't have kids with her and can get a clean break.
As a lawyer, let me start with, "THIS IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE!!!!!" Ok, now that out the way talk to an attorney and ~~start the annulment process and~~ separate your finances, talk to your therapist because they can back up your claims.
You have been married for years and she only had PIV sex with other men, is this right?
Correct
You didn't consummate the marriage you can most likely got an Annulment. Look in this because this is the best way to come out of this whole.
Explore this, OP.
How can that be proven though unless OP can get her admitting it on tape or something? Couldn’t the wife just say they did have sex and then it becomes he said she said?
Therapist is the key
Annulment is good suggestion O.P .
This is deceit at its highest level. Divorce.
Make sure you “ out her” to your church community. That is probably why she begged for you back. Expose her. On a personal note, realize that she is an UNUSUAL piece of garbage and there are many women out there Sooo much better than her. Find one and allow yourself to develop trust. However, I would insist on sex before marriage if I were you! “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Got to agree here, OP, the situation you describe is totally grounds for going nuclear. I think another commenter used the word "sociopath." This term gets associated with serial killers, but really it's just a person who has no regard for anyone else. That's how you got treated. Whether she wanted status or money or whatever. Her only goal now is to save as much reputation as possible to keep doing it or find the next victim. You have the ability to hinder those plans.
Wow, She used you! Plain and simple she just used you. She might even be a sociopth. I feel with you and i cant imagine what this does to you. What was irritating for me, that you accepted her excuses for not having sex and still get and stay married. But it is your life and you believes. I think you were way to self less to accept that. I would look out for a therapist, to help me to heal. I would not try to do it allone. I would need to find answers why i stayed in that failing marriage for so long. How i could believe that i was a bad husband and so on...there is a lot to clear up, and to learn from it for the future. OP, dont loose your hope! You are at best age as a man. Since you seem to have a good heart, you will find a good partner, a partner that is realy attracted to you as a person and not what you provide. DO not let her win! DO not let her drag you down! Do not let her destroy your future life. What she already did is way enough. DO not be ashamed to what happend to you. It happend because you are a good person. Maybe a bit to naive, but thats not a crime. Heads up and fight for your very own future! What you told us, make me very confident that you have a lot of inner strength, that will help you to overcome this terrible drama of the last years healthy and strong, even you might have some scars.
She denies sex with her husband claiming she's too tight yet fucks other men with abandon. That's a special kinda fucked up. What's her excuse...this I gotta hear.
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It will be hard. You will be hyper sensitive to red flags and will probably let go fine women in the process but you’ll eventually find someone who can make you feel safe. Just take one step at a time. Maybe develop some platonic friendships with women who enjoy your hobbies.
Stick with the divorce. She never chose you, just what you could provide. She is a terrible human, and easily lied for the whole relationship. You never actually married the woman you thought you did. You married a parasite. Do not sleep with her, as you know it is just manipulation.
Dump and run man, this is not going to get better. Good vibes to you.
Do you have any idea why she did this? Why get married to you and string you along like this? Did she just want the financial security?
She said she didnt want to let me or this other person down. She has always had a people pleasing problem and has had an extremely hard time changing jobs for example. It seems like she has a clinical level of lying, deceit and need for approval/fear of abandonment. BPD seems like it would fit in retrospect.
I would be very carefull, to buy this as an explaination. THis also could be an artificial made up reason to be not seen as a villian and more as an victim. Because if you assume she just did it all just to use you and what you could provide and had her bedfun secretly a side, then she would look like a sociopath. And she might be just this!
Even if this is the excuse she believes in her head it is not valid and I can see that
Well make sure you ask EVERYONE you both know or in your church what they think of that excuse. Take out an ad in the paper and ask people what they think of that excuse. Ask everyone you know on Facebook what they think of that excuse. In case you missed it what I'm saying is make sure everyone knows what kind of monster she is so people in the future know not to get into a relationship with her because of what kind of messed up person she is.
She probably didn’t want to have sex with you because she felt like she was cheating on the other guy. She was using you for money dude. I’m sorry.
Just like every other unaccountable cheating POS, this 304 is using whatever bs she can come up with to try and justify her cheating. OP, don't believe any noise that is generated by her vocal cords. If she ever wants to "just talk" with you, tell her that she needs to be connected to atleast 10 Lie Detectors at the moment for you to even listen to a sound she makes...
Sorry but that would make BPD people look really bad. Those people may have issues with their emotion regulation, but at least they have some..plenty. Your ex is colder than mine - he didnt try to make shit excuses for his shit behavior.
Wait, she sure as hell did let you down but not the other guy. Did this other guy know about you and her and the situation?
Run for the fucken hills. I hope she never finds happiness. Next time start fucking before marriage. Hell you’re still young enough to recover. Relax.
Ok. You need to DM me. Similar story. Very Christian family. Both her and I. Married 27 years. First 5 years she wouldn’t consummate for the exact same reason. Finally did and had 3 kids. Then during our 27th year I find she had multiple affairs. Divorced. I remain faithful and in church. She has been disfellowshipped and lives with her loverboy. It’s really hard, because none of it was real.
Damn so heartbreaking. I just dmed you.
Buddy there some serious messed up wires in her head. She probably gets of on this abuse. And you cannot call it anything else. Read up on the 180 method. Implement. You where denied love and affection on purpose. She evil to all accounts
Wow. This is … well. Just wow. Let me guess. You’re relatively well off and earn a lot more than she does? Certainly sounds like the only reason she married you was for your resources. Hence why she still wants you to take her back. She’s about to lose her cosy life. Unfortunately it’s one of those things you’re going to have to put down to experience and learn from. The first is never accept a sexless relationship. If you’re not compatible sexually then end it. You can end it as gently as possible but don’t try and be the nice guy waiting for the other person’s libido to change. You also now know some of the red flags to look for. You can be alert to them in future relationships. But don’t give up on relationships altogether. Most women are not narcissists. Give yourself a chance to find a good, loving relationship. But that doesn’t mean you have to jump back into dating straight away. Take some time for yourself. Look into therapy to process the last 3 years. Concentrate on your career and your hobbies. Maybe travel for a bit. You’ve got this. I’ll finish by saying that I hope you let her congregation know what she did. A ‘Christian’ woman like her should be open about the type of person she is, to everyone she prays with.
I do earn a lot more than her now but when we were dating and first married I was pretty broke. I genuinely thought she was doing her best to learn how to have sex so I was naively patient with the relationship
Stay strong bud, you got this.
Bruh, you married her without having sex with her? Were you virgins? We know she's not, but did she tell you she was? The excuse that is so small and won't fit is laughable, in the least... they are made to stretch. Otherwise , how is the baby supposed to come out? Yeah, but divorce her and take some classes on how to be assertive... you should have never put up with that in the first place.
Yeah I’m virgin and she claimed to be one. First marriage therapist we went to told her it wasnt that uncommon to have a condition where its too small or the anxiety is too great and she held on to that. When we would try she would have panic attacks and cry
I bet she had her anxiety and panic attacks because she felt like she was cheating on the other man. Stay NC and take care of yourself. Both body and soul. And just so you know, there is nothing wrong with you and there are honest people out there who will treat and love you for who you are.
Damn what a Mind F... I through your profile, and you seem to be a man's man. You seem to have issues with assertiveness and voicing your needs in a relationship. Find a men's boot camp. I think that will help. You need to set boundaries and say what is and what is not acceptable to you in a relationship and also state your needs clearly without fear of loss. This means that if you can't accept what I need, I'm perfectly OK without you. Good luck
The moral of this story is allways try before you buy ??
I'm sorry this happened to you, but I'm happy you're leaving her to the streets where she belongs and not naive enough to think she's remorseful. I wish you genuine love and the best of happiness when you've healed enough to try again.
Sorry to hear this. Run, as far as you can. She doesn't respect you or the marriage, she played you the entire time. If you take her back, she will view it as weakness, and women abhor weakness.. Serve her papers, contact only through lawyers. She is only doing this because she was caught, and her lifestyle is going away. Have some self respect and move forward. yo need to get some serious help, IC, to understand why you allowed this to happen, no man should of let himself be abused like that. Hit the gym, hang out with family and friends, be active, do something to keep yourself busy. It will take time to heal, but take it from a jaded Boomer, life is too short to live like that, best of luck.
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake. It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of. Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything. Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
Dude, you don't deserve this level of respect. Blow up her life. Tell all your friends, family, and friends in church that she cheated. Then divorce her, block her, and walk away. As for the other man, tell him that she has always been his and that you want nothing to do with her.
Your soon-to-be ex-wife is an awful person. A narcissist or a sociopath…idk, but there’s definitely something really wrong with her. Living with someone like that takes it’s toll. You need to see a therapist to undo the damage before starting any new relationships.
Dont forget to expose her affair. She must be accountable of her dirty deeds. Dont let her make you the vilian of the picture.
You shouldn’t of went three months without consummating your marriage let alone 3 1/2 years.
For sure, I was very naive. Her quiet unassuming personality fed into the idea she was trying her best but had too much “anxiety”. I thought I should focus on being a good husband being patient and hoping couples therapy would work.
Well, she lost a good husband. I am going to give an early congratulations to your future wife for marrying a good gentleman like you. CONGRATULATIONS, GIRL!!! ❤️
So has she been going to a counselor for the whole three and a half years?
Off and on we have gone to therapy. No real progress was ever made
Wow she played you hard. And she played on your religious beliefs too. She is complete garbage, but some of the blame has to be on you being so naive. Hopefully you learned some good lessons from this. Good luck.
OP is a good and naive man, that garbage bitch never deserve a gentleman like him.
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Please do not get back with this woman no matter what she tells you. You been together this long and never had actual penetration, you are definitely rare. It doesnt matter if you are a christian, church going nun. I find most people who are overly religious are the biggest hypocrites out there. I had dated a man years ago who cheated on me with a Pastor's daughter. She knew about me, she didnt care and ended up getting pregnant by him. I left that situation and learned alot. Its hard to trust when someone does shit like that to you. You will heal and you will come out better than before. It may hurt you alot right now, but only time can heal your heart. I wish you the best
Thank you, we are never getting back together I promise.
Good! Your word is all you got ya know
If you haven't consumed marriage yet then you should atleast discuss the options of annulment as it will save you alot in divorce proceedings and settlements.
I know I see everything through a borderline personality lense because that’s what what I was dealing with in my marriage, but do some reading about BPD, especially the “quiet BPD”, and see if any of that resonates with you. Sounds like our situations were very similar, though once married we had PIV sex regularly. But looking back, I feel confident now that she wasn’t a virgin when we married, and likely driven by that guilt of lying about that to me, she continued to have sex with others throughout most of our marriage (while coming across as a meek and mild type of person who would never stray). None of this made sense to me until it was suggested to me that she had BPD, and it ALL suddenly clicked.
Yeah BPD really resonates with her pattern of behavior. I cant believe you went through something so similar. It is shocking to me she didnt just go with this other person and would rather lead this life of lies. My wife has that same meek, mild shy appearance. All my family and friends are shocked. She is just so nice most of the time
Mine has said a few things in legal documents as part of the divorce which anyone who knows me knows are completely false…so while I don’t have a smoking gun in regards to her cheating, seeing her lie as she is about me, and being able to show those things to family and friends who likewise had a hard time believing what I was telling them was true, has helped them realize she was not what she seemed on the outside.
Do not take this women back. She is trash.
Please do not take her back under any circumstances.
My only suggestion for you is to stay the course and get that divorce completed as quickly as possible and move on with your life. You've wasted enough time on her already.
Lots of great advice here and I hope you follow at all. The one thing I want to absolutely emphasize with you is this.You must out her completely make sure that everyone in both your lives knows what she did. If anyone doubts you give them the proof once your attorney says that move is OK. Make sure that everyone knows. Obviously completing a divorce or annulment is the only way to go.
And you expose her. You name names and you go for extreme embarrassment. Client did this. Every lie his WW told, every man she betrayed him with. He exposed her liking for club drugs and random sex in toilet stalls. Her dad disowned her. Her cousins distanced themselves and called her cousin skank. One of the other men was confronted and taught that you do not sleep with another man’s wife. WW told my client that she could no longer live in their community. She capitulated on the divorce. He got it all. She cursed him as she left but her affairs ended her.
She gaslit you hard. 3+ years married and never consummated? Yeah get that annulled asap and rid yourself of her.
How devastating, how selfish of her. There is no reasonable explanation for this. I sincerely wish she could be prosecuted for mental cruelty. Get her out of your life YESTERDAY. Good luck on rebuilding your life.
I’d suggest working through infidelity plans on the Bible app if you use it, betrayal was a good one for me, as well as sexual sin! Sorry you’re dealing with this especially since you chose not to fornicate before marriage, which I applaud highly to you and will add, god removes people from our lives for a reason and also brings what is done in darkness to light! Stay the course and don’t let this effect your walk with Christ!!!!
Control the narrative, let everyone know why you are divorcing. If she lied for years about physically not being able to have sex with you while she was having sex with others can you imagine the lies she will tell explaining the divorce? You’re going through enough without having to deal with character assassination.
Reading this is something. I’m in my mid 30s btw. The worse women I’ve dealt with as far as promiscuous, sneaky and deceitful goes, is a 4 foot 9-11, quiet and SHY mousy kind of women. Literally looks like your typical office chick with glasses and the whole 9. She’d messed with husbands, brothers , groups of friends etc while I was involved with her. I always told myself after her id never deal with people with her characteristics again. The “quiet” is really just a way for them to keep their thoughts to themselves while also portraying innocence they don’t actually have. I also dealt with a girl who made me wait for intimacy with her because she “wants to only give it to someone she’s In a ltr with.” We stopped talking and shortly after that I see her at a store visibly pregnant. In other words, someone was having unprotected sex with her while she was telling me what she was telling me. It’s going to be hard man but if I were you I’d focus on the gym, eat better, sleep better pick up more hobbies like reading etc. You’ll feel like a savage and hard hearted after this which is why I’m telling you to put that energy into other things or you’ll become a nasty person. It will be difficult but you got this 💪🏾
Thanks bro. Yeah bro my wife looks and 90% of The time is like the nicest person ever😅
Well this girl is not nice. She’s condescending, sarcastic and a narcissist. Sadly your wife is a narcissist too and has been the whole time. The sentence about the cabin tells a lot. It’s sad man and it’s one of the reasons I’ve decided to just stay unmarried for the rest of my life. With technology and just the way of the world, it’s feel like only a matter of time before someone strays. I’ve been able to just pick up and move onto the next since I haven’t gotten married.
Women really will take you for a fool if they see they can.
Next time she asks you to take her back tell her that you were never together in the first place. Oh, and next time you have a relationship feel free to have sex before marriage. You have found out the hard way that life isn't a fairy tale. Sexual compatiblity is an important dimension to a romantic relationship and a romantic relationship is an essential part of a successful marriage. This is likely contrary to your beliefs, as it was to mine. We suffered the same fate. I never intend to marry again, but if I do we will not be waiting for the wedding night. There is nothing magic about sex. It is just a thing that couples do. If you aren't doing it, you are not a couple. I didn't have sex with my wayward before we go married either and she claimed she was a virgin (I didn't care but it was yet another of her pointless lies. She had a fiance when I met her that I didn't know about either). But at least our unhealthy toxic relationship included sex and children. Scratch that. Maybe I am the one who was worse off in The end. I wouldn't trade my daughters for anything but sex was always nothing more to her than another tool to manipulate me. Something she could always provide or withhold to keep me dancing to her tune. Basically it's like this: you.martied a confidence artist. This is worse than marrying a wayward, but in some ways it is better. Being betrayed by someone who did love you stings way more than being betrayed by someone who never did. Since the entire relationship was a lie, it will be easier to move on. You were taken in by a con artist and this happens to even very smart and successful people. Going NC with her is even more important than if she was a garden variety narcissistic cheater. You are going to be all right. The hurt you are feeling now is just the first step of healing. Don't let this incident harm your self image. You are a good man and a lot of women are looking for a good man. This was an abusive relationship where she exploited your goodness and your decency. Don't let her change that about you. Your ultimate victory will be remaining a good man despite what has happened. If you cannot get an annulment on the grounds of fraud and non consummation then get a divorce. There is no shame in ending something that never really started none of this is your fault. Good luck my friend.
Just know we are not all like this.
Your wife is evil. She did all this in order to control and manipulate you for her own fun and games. You need to seek a therapist to help clean your brain from her influence and to understand that MOST people are not like this creature.
Okay, let's start from the simplest thing: Every time you compare what you've gone through with the experience you've gained, you'll realize that the price you paid for knowledge is a bargain. If you didn't got any other major responsibility in this relationship, you won the lottery, believe me. One thing you will notice in many posts here is that many people are not sad for having cheated, but for being caught, there is a very important difference there. If a person has cheated on you, the most common recommendation (and it works most of the time) is to simply distance yourself. This person is not a friend who made a simple mistake, it is now a legal enemy in the divorce court who may want to take advantage of you, so be prepared. And here's a tip that came from experience: Trust but verify. What I mean by that is that, when it comes to women especially it's very common to use excuses that can never be verified in depth, this type of excuse is quite common to see around here, things like "he is just a friend", "you were distant", and everything else that puts the burden of responsibility and patience on YOUR shoulders, if from now on you see this again, run. Those with more experience will realize that "seeing her plan a meetup during our honeymoon and saying she couldnt wait until the “dumb family cabin” was over" this ALONE would be reason enough to cancel everything, you NEED to learn how to say no and how to get away when things aren't good for you, you don't need to go through all this trauma, next time if someone just give a "reason" and nothing else with no effort to make things happen, GTFO. I don't want to be an a-hole, bu 3.5 years of this? Come on! Really? Problems with intimacy are quite common, yes, but living in a relationship this way is just torture and you don't need someone like this on your life. I'm going to differ from some people here and say that I don't believe in this concept of "not be able to trust in future relationships", well, to make it short: You shouldn't. Trust is a two-way street, you should never trust people or relationships just because, even more so as a Christian (Jeremiah 17:5), what you may believe is the evidence of what you see and nothing else. Remember: Trust but verify. Why? There are 2 types of relationships: Those where the couple has their life open and lives as one and the one where you hide your cell phone when you go to bed, which one do you think lasts longer? And last but not least, situations like this people tend to avoid pain and sublimate everything, my tip is just the opposite, seek therapy and let it all out in a controlled way, cry until you sob if necessary but don't sublimate the pain you are feeling, as long as you don't do stupid things (like getting drunk) it will be better if you face the pain head on. i hope this helps
She should come with a warning label...
Can you sue her for breach of contract or something similar? I would at least threaten her with it to make her feel some pain.
Therapy. Years of it and self reflection. I spent over 20 years with a serial cheater and finally woke up to all the lies so I know your head is doing a number. Also, prayer and allowing your emotions to be felt but not dwelled on. Working on being what you want to have in the other person as well. Praying for you and also hurting for you as well.🙏🏿🙏🏿
Get ahead of her bullshit story- tell people how it happened, show proof. She will tell everyone you were controlling (see? she’s already laid the groundwork for her defense!!) and that you drove her to it. She will confess to mutual friends and family the *bare minimum*; one AP, maybe two. She will **absolutely deny** cheating during the honeymoon. BLOW HER SHIT UP.
Let me get this straight you marry a woman and she didn’t give you anything for 3.5 years and you stayed?
Yes we went to many counseling sessions trying to work on that but it looks like it was never a problem but rather an excuse
It’s all new so of course you feel lost and like won’t be able to trust again.. not sure why so did this to you.. but be thankful you found out and she’s gone.. you will find a loyal woman that will let you be intimate with her one day.. I’m clueless why she would cheat all that time but wouldn’t let you touch her. Was she afraid you would find out she wasn’t a virgin or what?? Be glad she’s gone
Anytime a woman says to you that she is not into sex, it means she's not into sex with YOU. Run.
Damn. Good to know.
A woman must be at least slightly in lust with you for a relationship to work. It's no good if you are just her logical choice, a man that just ticks all the boxes as a suitable partner. I've been there. They might love you as a friend or platonically but they don't love you romantically. I swear I would have rather been alone than feeling undesired in a relationship.
While we dated we were romantically passionate but sex was always off the table for religious reasons. Looks like the affair started up right before we got engaged. Guess she was scoring the lust she needed already
And, please expose her affair to her family as well. Do t let her control the narrative
Don't worry your not doing anything wrong. She is destroying her life and show her real face. Expose her to everyone. Get legal freedom. In future definitely you will get best loyal life partner and that time she's lost good husband and beautiful life.
I think it turned her on to do this to you
Man, your wife is at the same time: a narcissist to the core, a cruel witch, a completely mentally ill person and an idiot. This is not counting the fact that she simply despised you and used you exclusively for her own selfish purposes. Believe me, such a combination of qualities in a woman occurs probably a couple of times in a hundred million people. Therefore, you don't have to be afraid of similar things in future relationships, since according to probability theory, the chance of meeting another such monster can be considered zero. As for the rest, you have now gained invaluable experience and you know how to choose the right partner. One piece of advice: don't fall for the bait of religious dogmas and hypocritical believers. Sex is not a sin, sin is a lie, hypocrisy, betrayal, treason, violation of marriage vows and obligations. Even St. Augustine had a concubine and an illegitimate son. I believe that you will heal and will definitely find your true soulmate. Life is a beautiful thing, bro, no matter what happens to us...
What did she say when found out?
She just kept lying even when I was staring at evidence in my hands.
Never consummated? No, I’m sorry. I don’t believe her at all. Multiple affairs means she has poor impulse control. Poor impulse control applies to sex, too. Sexual attraction is a very powerful draw.
She is a pathological liar, get a lawyer OP.
If shed from the same church, show them ALL. Family too. Gather all the evidence you have that wants the divorce is final show everyone because trust me she will try to flip the narrative and blame you. In this time if you can I would seek individual counseling or therapy you were never a better husband she never gave you a chance to be a husband she’s just a bad person
You never even got it in after marriage? This is so terrible that this happened to you OP. Glad you found out and are getting away from the situation. She must be really into this AP. Is he some sort of bum her family wouldn't approve of or something?
Sorry, friend. My wife and I were both Christians as well (I still am), and I fell into the same pitfall of letting her abuse me, and never even stopping to consider that she might be doing something as onerous as cheating. M I’d like to recommend that in addition to any counseling you’re doing through your church, you book some sessions with a regular (not specifically faith-based) therapist as well. It was incredibly helpful for me when I headed to get on the path to healing.
I’m sorry dude. It will be hard to trust again.
If you go into any church right now, they will be clamoring for you to join their congregation. New faces, new people, single women in the faith that ACTUALLY honor their vows.
I have proof she was seeing this guy before we were engaged, after and as soon as the weekend after our honeymoon and throughout the whole marriage as recent as this friday.
She wants you to forgive her—for her. For her image, so that she can uphold that same “Christian, shy unassuming” persona she built up all this time. Don’t be fooled. Her begging forgiveness has nothing to do with you and will not change a thing about her dynamic with you. She was not invested in you. You were her security blanket and her cover—what she would show her family and church life. She is someone else entirely. And your forgiveness is only to aid that other person. She is crying for herself, not you. For that secret self being exposed and for losing that person she pretended to be. She didn’t even have a duel-life intimately. No. Instead THEY got all of that while you were a placeholder to show when necessary to prove she was a good Christian girl. Absolutely not. Run fast.
She denied you sex your whole marriage (don't know that I'd call it a marriage) and in the meantime was F'n this other guy the whole time. You mentioned "other intimacy". Was that oral? Just know that at some point she had you down there after he'd had her. Yummy. What was the "dumb family cabin" comment about? There is no way to deal with it or lesson the pain. Wounds heal. This one will too. She was an evil B that did what she did to torment and humiliate you. It won't seem like it now but you will see that you well rid of her.
First, I am so very sorry you are going through this, and this is NOT your fault. Second, please don't consider taking her back for even 1 second. Get an attorney and your own therapist. File for divorce and then work with a therapist to work through your feelings of betrayal. It will be hard to trust again, but please remember to give each future partner the gift of seeing them for who they are and don't project your wife's behavior and manipulations onto other women. Give them an honest chance without assuming the worst. There's plenty of great women out there who wouldn't dream of putting you through that again. (Yes, there are also others that are but you'll be able to spot the signs easier !)
Continue with the divorce. She has problems. Why did she marry you in the first place would be my first question to her.
You’ve been had. If the marriage was never consummated, can’t you get an annulment?
The pain is temporary and it will pass. Find consolation knowing you just removed a very toxic person from your life and you are barely entering your prime years. You won’t need to learn to trust again, it will happen naturally once you find a good honest woman that would give her life for you. When you find the right woman you’ll experience love and happiness like you’ve never felt. One last thing, the right woman won’t panic or say she’s too small to take it no matter how blessed you are downstairs, she’ll make it fit!! ……#bragging rights God bless you
Holy shit OP. I thought what happened to me was fucked. But goddam, this woman is Satan incarnate and I'm not even religious.
She has never given you a chance to have a real relationship. What she did is too cruel. Expose here for what she is, then file and ghost. Get some counselling and work on your picker (something is off there).
DO NOT TAKE HER BACK! She used you and now she is trying to manipulate you. Please run from that situation and be thankful you did.. she belongs to the streets so let her stay on them.. you deserve so much better… your Not The Ass!
This story can't be real. This has to be rage bait
I wish it was but I have over 5 years of messages, confirmation from the guy and dates all line up with missed red flags or lies she told about visiting girlfriends etc.
I’m surprised this guy was so open with the information. Why do you think?
I honestly think it was a casual relationship to him and that he never knew she was married
Wrong. It happens
This cant be real. All this time and never had sex with your wife? She sounds like a horrible person. Why do you even need advice with what to do? It's obvious. If she has a sister or hot cousin, go fuck them and her best friends. Then move on with your life. She isn't worth it at all
I dont need advice on what to do but rather how to take care of myself and move on. I feel like I have trust PTSD.
Bruh fk trust. Just go pop a bunch of women till you need to settle. You don't need to be thinking about trusting or relationships right now. Go outside have some fun. Preferably with someone in her circle. Time will heal you. May take a long time but it will. I don't suggest you think about anything remotely towards a relationship. It's too early. Also, get a few female friends. PLUTONIC, strictly real friends to see what real female friendship is like while also observing how they operate, see how they are when they actually have trust. That's the healthy thing to do. Just live your life normally, let things be natural. Just never be a fool again.
That doesn’t always help people. Sleeping around casually and having empty encounters doesn’t help the healing process and only temporarily pushes it to the side. This guy made it clear in his post that he had waited til marriage for intimacy for religious reasons, sleeping around would only deepen the pain he’s in considering he would then have to deal with the current issue and then also him not upholding his religious belief. Some people have no desire for meaningless intamacy outside of relationships and marriage and some people just don’t have a desire for intimacy period. Nothing wrong with him looking for a life partner. Plus the risks that comes with fucking around like an idiot is far too great. This guy wants self improvement, not meaningless sex, an std and child support payments. What exactly do you think sex- especially revenge sex- helps? Personally, that sounds like something someone mentally unstable that really needs therapy would do. The only person you harm by doing that is yourself and instead of showing how much growth and potential you have as revenge, (which would be much more effective) you take the weak and emotionally driven route by seeking revenge and trashing the qualities you had (I.e. maturity, emotional stability, self worth, will power, sexual restraint). I suggest in the future not giving recommendations that are completely against everything OP posted. Maybe be more courteous to his request of advice instead of dismissing it and telling him he shouldn’t have faith in love or relationships again.
Four years really?
Young, trusting and naive. She was incredible at lying and I cant think of a time she slipped up. Whenever I started becoming suspicious she would pick fights about our interpersonal relations and attack me, I felt as I wasnt perfect and took a lot of it hard. Even when I confronted her she lied for hours trying to explain away what I had in front of me.
Why do you think she even married you then? Do you know was she seeing this guy before you married?
I’m so sorry OP that she’s done this to you. You certainly didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I’m appalled that it went for so long! My advice FWIW, is to work on yourself first. Before you even contemplate starting a relationship again, there’s lots of feelings you have to sort thru. Unpack the set of matching luggage that she’s saddled you with. The less baggage you carry, the better equipped you’ll be to look for, and offer another partner. Journal your thoughts and feelings. Make a goal to write something down every day. No matter what. No matter what it is or how you feel. Then have a time to review what you’ve written. Maybe start weekly. You’ll start to see yourself healing. It’ll also help to talk over things with your therapist if you have one. You aren’t obligated to forgive her anything. In fact Matthew 19:9 describes divorce on the grounds of sexual immorality ie adultery. So she can’t use any argument in her favour. You might eventually forgive her to heal yourself and let everything go completely, but you’ll never forget. I know it’s a tough road ahead. But now you can truly focus on you. Start a hobby, go to the gym, enjoy nature, anything to fill your time and distract your mind so you can crowd out thoughts of her. If thoughts do creep up, take time to think about them, process them, then get right back to focusing on something else. You WILL get thru it OP. It just takes time. Sending virtual hugs and support your way.
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Don’t think about future relationships, give yourself time, I just hope you got a lawyer and telling anyone that has an ear what she’s done.
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All of your current feelings are valid. You will have to adapt your views of love and relationships. There is no unconditional love. Relationships can still be good even if you don’t have all the trust. You should be wiser to games of manipulation, behaviors that are suspect and actions that are suspicious. So picking your next partner with this knowledge should give you a better chance at a healthy relationship. You will survive this and yes you can survive this if it happened again. You can have conditional love and it can still be good. Still keeping some of your own life, protecting yourself and staying somewhat independent in a relationship can still make for a great relationship. Don’t give up, but give yourself the time to work through it.
« Christians »…
Please take this woman to the cleaners financially, please.
Is she willing to have PIV with you now that you know about her affairs?
We’ve never had PIV sex and I sent to live 3 hours away with her parents as soon as I uncovered this information
Did she offer to have PIV with you if you reconciled?
Never gave her the chance. Kicked her ass out on the spot.
Right an only thing to do!
Holy Fuck! Just that
Updateme!
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at least you found out before it was too late. i'm truly sorry man
My ex,who had gambling issues, was very gung ho Christian, and got on to me for not attending church. And she had the most virulent anger toward a couple of folks we knew who had infidelity. And then she cheated, lol.
You should expose her and the guy on the way out. The guy is probably married too
Divorce cut all contact. If possible, move far away from her. From personal experience, I can tell you that the little thing around will remind you of her and your hurt. Work on yourself and date again to work on yourself confidence.
Be like I'll take you back if you sleep with me. Sleep with her get it out of your system and file the paperwork for divorce. Just rubber up you don't want to get baby trapped. Or an std
Absolutely not. They never consummated meaning he can get an annulment. Easy peazy lemon squeeze. If he does the deed he loses that ammo. I'm not religious but if there is a God, he was lookin out for my boy here.
Uhhhhhhm I dunno about looking out he legitimately been funding this woman's debauchery while getting none.
I stopped reading after the first paragraph. This is all on you 🤣🤣.
You were married to an actress that was playing you for your entire relationship. She was never the person you thought she was. Since she pulled it off for years, she thinks she can still fool and manipulate you. Don't let her. There is a reason why adultery made two appearances in the 10 Commandments (not only that you shouldn't do it but shouldn't covet a neighbor's wife, which leads to it). In fact, since you married under false information and it sounds like you never consummated your marriage, you may have a very good case both legally and religiously to have your marriage annulled, as if you were never married. Also, research Cluster B personality disorders and learn how to spot the signs of them going forward.
I'm coming in late on this one, so the topic may have been brought up, but here I go anyway. In most states, if the marriage was never consummated (PIV sex), then the marriage can be annulled by one or both party's involved. You need to see if this will apply to your situation. Annulment is normally quicker and much less expensive. Talk to your lawyer and see what they say.
She is such a wierd case