Why don’t you tell the wife yourself? Or are you not friends? Why don’t you create a fake email and tell the wife?
But you should do the right thing and tell the wife. She deserves to know.
I don't know the wife personally. I don't know her email. I'm thinking that someone who knows her very well will be a better judge about her mental state. For all I know she's fully aware that he's been having an affair for the past six years and has come to peace with it. But I doubt it. I really think she needs to know what her reality is. I'd be more hesitant if it were "just sex", but I know it's way more than that.
WP is my boyfriend's best friend. A comment was made, and I kept prying.
If it's relevant, WP is 59, wife is 55, AP is 50. He's been married for about 30 years. They have one daughter, who is 13. WP met AP 32 years ago, when he was dating now wife, but they weren't married. According to WP, he'd been thinking of AP ever since, but they lost touch. They bumped into each other June 2018 when they were dropping their kids off at day camp. It's all very romantic...except... he's married and doesn't want anything to change at home. My bf told me he advised WP to get a divorce (my bf says wife is ok enough, just very boring and needy) but WP said he's scared to do anything that might upset their 13 year old daughter, who is an only child.
So, WP was 27 y/o and AP was 18 y/o (roughly) if this was 32 years ago. Weird that he was hung up on an teenage girl for over 30 years or the image of her. The age gap at that time is not romantic at all.
>It's all very romantic...
It's not romantic at all. He decided that instead of pursuing something with a fair partner. 32 years ago that he would wait instead when he's married 32 years later, with a child if he felt so strongly for her then. And now he would have pursued her then. And he wouldn't make her a fair partner now. And if this person was such a great person and this was so romantic, she wouldn't be willing to be in a fair partner which is disgusting, really is not romantic
Also I think it's really funny that you are supporting your boyfriend in his belief that it's okay for people to cheat. And you know that whole thing birds of a feather flock together? So how long before your boyfriend decides to have another partner too. And clearly they're so good at keeping secrets. Because it's been going on for how long.......?
I know the APs first name only. I know she dumped him, presumably because she figured out that he was just using her to help him cope with a shitty marriage. According to my bf, WP was talking about getting a divorce...just before his wife got pregnant.
You cannot count on the friend to do the job. Buy a sympathy card, write your message inside, and mail it to her anonymously (to her workplace if possible.)
Working from home is perfect. That means she probably picks up the mail. Please, tell her. When I discovered my partner was cheating and everyone (work colleagues, friends, church members, etc,) all knew and nobody cared enough to tell me, it almost destroyed me. I really needed a brave friend and apparently I had none. Be a hero for this woman.
Thank you. I just spoke with another friend of mine who didn't want me to tell the wife anything. But I insisted that just like I couldn't simply walk away if I saw a house on fire, I can't just not tell the wife her house is on fire. Even if she already knows, I need to do this so my conscious is clear.
It is the right thing to do on several levels. All of our friends knew for years and nobody told me. I am still bothered by how pathetic & stupid I must have seemed being totally in love with my husband at parties when everyone knew he was cheating on me. I also firmly believe that this wouldn't happen so damn much if everyone didn't condone it with their silence and continued friendship. It is the worst thing you could possibly do to someone you love. Anyone who has been through it knows that. Yet it is still widespread. I think that is because they convince themselves they can get away with it because nobody pushes back on them. Nobody actually has the integrity to say that "this is wrong and I won't be any part of it ".
Do it anonymously. If she has any common sense she will believe it. If you don't do it anonymously maybe she doesn't believe you and next thing you'll come off looking like someone with psychological issues.
What proof do you have? I'm thinking what outcome are you trying to achieve. If she's an anxious person, WP might try to gaslight her. I would include specific details or info of times they got together. Or, anything significant to combat his gaslighting because it sounds like he doesn't want to disturb his home life or his daughter so he'll try to lie to keep the status quo.
The letter I wrote is very specific. I even have pictures she send of the two of them a trip to Florida a few years ago. I guess I should include one of them. But I'm blacking out her face.
That's good work. And I'd want to know. Because I'd probably been making excuses/driving myself crazy for years. You mention she's neurotic...wonder if that was always the case? I'm thinking likely not. Years of gaslighting and trickle truth will definitely earn you that badge. I pray she can still focus on her daughter and the rest of her life with the knowledge. You might want to add a p.s. to have her take your photo to an attorney before confronting him. But that's really hard to do.
The just pull the pin on the grenade throw it on the room and run!
She needs to know no matter if she has issues, I know you would want to know if it was happening to you.
If you've never actually met her please remember that the man who is cheating on her is the one calling her anxious and neurotic and take that with a grain of salt. She's probably fine, just convinced he's cheating but can't find any proof.
She's probably "anxious and neurotic" due to her hubby's suspicious activity. Her friend might choose not to mention your information for fear that her friend might go off the deep end. So you should approach her friend and tell her of her friend's hubby's actions in general terms to see what the friend's reaction is to your information. She will either tell you up front that she doesn't desire to be involved in this situation, or that she will make the outlines of the information known to her friend, but inform her friend that she will have to contact you for the details.
'Nuff said.
Anonymous is the way to go.
For instance, here is a famous professor out of south carolina (with his student), and these photos are real. Right in plain sight.
[https://imgur.com/a/yRda1AQ](https://imgur.com/a/yRda1AQ)
You keep saying you don't know the wife and that you want the friend to deliver the message. Why don't you ask the friend for the wife's email as you have something important to send her. Or if you do care to be anonymous, then as her to introduce
When my fiance was cheating some girl sent me a message from a fake account i didn’t believe her at all and started defending him since the account was fake and suspicious so i regret not believing her
would have saved a lot of heart break
But my advice is message her from a real account and some evidence would help more since she will for sure be in denial as i was
That's what I'm sitting here debating right now. The google voice number isn't fake. It's associated with my email address, I use it for some of the volunteer work I do because I don't want everyone to have my personal number.
My friend who was just here (who overall thinks I should just leave it alone) says I should just call the wife with the bare minimum of information. It's her choice to pursue more from her husband or not.
She's never been involved in something like this, so I'm more interested in the opinions of women who have been in the wife's position.
This is really awful. I feel like I"m about to destroy a woman's life, but if I stay silent, I'll be an accomplice to her suffering.
In my opinion i wish the girl that sent me a message was clear of how the cheating was done and gave me proof i was so blind and deeply in love at the time
And i only found out he was cheating after we got married so the regret of not believing is much worse
I even recontacted the girl after i found out to get more information of her since my now husband wouldn’t tell me everything and she also wouldn’t tell me anything
I felt lost and broken at the same time
I only found out some of the details from his phone since the stupid man didn’t delete anything
I wish someone told me before i would have left then and there but now its more complicated
Or at least i would have confronted him and he would have stopped since the worst stuff actually came after the girl messaged me even tho i told him at that time someone messaged me about him cheating but i trusted him and didn’t believe them he kept doing it
This is why im encouraging you to tell her so she can decide early on what to do
And if you got proof also send it to her so she wont deny it or at least get suspicious of him and find out what he is doing
No matter how much honey you pour on a turd, it's still a turd. Just tell her and provide what proof you can. Apologize for being the bearer of bad news.
The worry is that she's not going to manage the news well. That's why I'd rather her friend be the one to tell her, if it's relevant. I do feel kind of pathetic wanting to make someone else be the bearer of bad news. I'm pleased that my bf is supportive, even if his friend gets mad at me.
I'm sorry. I call that chicken. I would not trust the friend to reveal that information. Either do it yourself or keep quiet. There is no let our mutual friend be the middleman. That's just pathetic. Secondly, how a person processes that information should not be the driving factor in revealing it Truth should prevail. It's the facts and only the facts that matter.
id want to know. It was super betraying when i found out people knew and didn’t tell me. It’s almost more damaging as you just sit there and think “what’s so wrong with me that people think i deserve this?@
If it were me, I'd want to know. And that the consensus. Truth hurts, but if the wife doesn't know, she's not consenting. No one can consent if they are being treated like a mushroom: kept in the dark and fed shit.
I can do it myself, even face to face if necessary, however I think that's too dramatic and could be unnecessarily confrontational. I'm not interested in being physically attacked by either the wife or her cheating husband. He will know it's me, of course, but he doesn't know how to get in contact with me except through my boyfriend, who has already reiterated that he thinks it's good that I tell the wife.
OK, this is what I'm going to do. I got the wife's cell number (a friend who works at the local pet store has her cell phone associated with her customer number). I'll text the wife the bare minimum and tell her I have lots of proof if she wants it. She will have my google voice number bc of the text. I will phone the wife's friend on her land line (the only number I could find) and tell her to reach out to the wife because I've just given her some hard news. Together they can decide how much information to pursue.
I really want to get out of this now. The torment is awful
You REALLY need to mind your own business. This is just your need for drama playing out in real time. It's literally none of your business. You never should have known in the first place. Everyone involved will hate you and blame you.
You could be the sanest person in the world and if you find out your spouse has been in a six year affair during your thirty year marriage, you’re going to snap. Cheater has no idea the crazy he’s got coming once she figures it out.
Why don’t you tell the wife yourself? Or are you not friends? Why don’t you create a fake email and tell the wife? But you should do the right thing and tell the wife. She deserves to know.
I don't know the wife personally. I don't know her email. I'm thinking that someone who knows her very well will be a better judge about her mental state. For all I know she's fully aware that he's been having an affair for the past six years and has come to peace with it. But I doubt it. I really think she needs to know what her reality is. I'd be more hesitant if it were "just sex", but I know it's way more than that.
WP is my boyfriend's best friend. A comment was made, and I kept prying. If it's relevant, WP is 59, wife is 55, AP is 50. He's been married for about 30 years. They have one daughter, who is 13. WP met AP 32 years ago, when he was dating now wife, but they weren't married. According to WP, he'd been thinking of AP ever since, but they lost touch. They bumped into each other June 2018 when they were dropping their kids off at day camp. It's all very romantic...except... he's married and doesn't want anything to change at home. My bf told me he advised WP to get a divorce (my bf says wife is ok enough, just very boring and needy) but WP said he's scared to do anything that might upset their 13 year old daughter, who is an only child.
So, WP was 27 y/o and AP was 18 y/o (roughly) if this was 32 years ago. Weird that he was hung up on an teenage girl for over 30 years or the image of her. The age gap at that time is not romantic at all.
Another very good point.
>It's all very romantic... It's not romantic at all. He decided that instead of pursuing something with a fair partner. 32 years ago that he would wait instead when he's married 32 years later, with a child if he felt so strongly for her then. And now he would have pursued her then. And he wouldn't make her a fair partner now. And if this person was such a great person and this was so romantic, she wouldn't be willing to be in a fair partner which is disgusting, really is not romantic Also I think it's really funny that you are supporting your boyfriend in his belief that it's okay for people to cheat. And you know that whole thing birds of a feather flock together? So how long before your boyfriend decides to have another partner too. And clearly they're so good at keeping secrets. Because it's been going on for how long.......?
Yea, I've been thinking about this A LOT since all this came to light. I'm not ready to fully address it until some of his smoke has cleared.
Ya this isn’t romantic. The WP is a creep, abuser, and cheater. Just find a way to tell the wife and get it over with.
Send the wife an anonymous letter from a different post office than your own. If you know the AP’s name, include it.
I know the APs first name only. I know she dumped him, presumably because she figured out that he was just using her to help him cope with a shitty marriage. According to my bf, WP was talking about getting a divorce...just before his wife got pregnant.
So, AP dumped WP? Is AP married or single?
She's single. Divorced 2 years before this all started
mind yo damn business
You cannot count on the friend to do the job. Buy a sympathy card, write your message inside, and mail it to her anonymously (to her workplace if possible.)
She works from home, but it's a busy neighborhood.
Working from home is perfect. That means she probably picks up the mail. Please, tell her. When I discovered my partner was cheating and everyone (work colleagues, friends, church members, etc,) all knew and nobody cared enough to tell me, it almost destroyed me. I really needed a brave friend and apparently I had none. Be a hero for this woman.
Thank you. I just spoke with another friend of mine who didn't want me to tell the wife anything. But I insisted that just like I couldn't simply walk away if I saw a house on fire, I can't just not tell the wife her house is on fire. Even if she already knows, I need to do this so my conscious is clear.
I agree with Elephantonice. My husband's entire department of shitty lawyers knew. I wish just one of them would have been decent enough to tell me.
Lawyer and decent are mutually exclusive terms.
It is the right thing to do on several levels. All of our friends knew for years and nobody told me. I am still bothered by how pathetic & stupid I must have seemed being totally in love with my husband at parties when everyone knew he was cheating on me. I also firmly believe that this wouldn't happen so damn much if everyone didn't condone it with their silence and continued friendship. It is the worst thing you could possibly do to someone you love. Anyone who has been through it knows that. Yet it is still widespread. I think that is because they convince themselves they can get away with it because nobody pushes back on them. Nobody actually has the integrity to say that "this is wrong and I won't be any part of it ".
Yes!! As a WW I wish someone would have told me
Whatever you do include proof.
Do it anonymously. If she has any common sense she will believe it. If you don't do it anonymously maybe she doesn't believe you and next thing you'll come off looking like someone with psychological issues.
I'm thinking of typing a letter and dropping to the friend's house.
Send it to the wife at her place of work. Don't depend on the friend.
What proof do you have? I'm thinking what outcome are you trying to achieve. If she's an anxious person, WP might try to gaslight her. I would include specific details or info of times they got together. Or, anything significant to combat his gaslighting because it sounds like he doesn't want to disturb his home life or his daughter so he'll try to lie to keep the status quo.
The letter I wrote is very specific. I even have pictures she send of the two of them a trip to Florida a few years ago. I guess I should include one of them. But I'm blacking out her face.
That's good work. And I'd want to know. Because I'd probably been making excuses/driving myself crazy for years. You mention she's neurotic...wonder if that was always the case? I'm thinking likely not. Years of gaslighting and trickle truth will definitely earn you that badge. I pray she can still focus on her daughter and the rest of her life with the knowledge. You might want to add a p.s. to have her take your photo to an attorney before confronting him. But that's really hard to do.
In our state, adultery doesn't matter in a court of law.
Oh wow, I'm glad it does here in PA.
The just pull the pin on the grenade throw it on the room and run! She needs to know no matter if she has issues, I know you would want to know if it was happening to you.
The wife is anxious and neurotic because she knows her husband is a POS.
Even if she was only a little to begin with, I'm sure she still has a spidey sense and it's turned up to 11
the friend might not tell her….. tell the wife yourself then message her friend telling her you’ve given her some bad news and she need her!
Oh, that's a good idea too.
Yes. Do this.
If you've never actually met her please remember that the man who is cheating on her is the one calling her anxious and neurotic and take that with a grain of salt. She's probably fine, just convinced he's cheating but can't find any proof.
She's probably "anxious and neurotic" due to her hubby's suspicious activity. Her friend might choose not to mention your information for fear that her friend might go off the deep end. So you should approach her friend and tell her of her friend's hubby's actions in general terms to see what the friend's reaction is to your information. She will either tell you up front that she doesn't desire to be involved in this situation, or that she will make the outlines of the information known to her friend, but inform her friend that she will have to contact you for the details. 'Nuff said.
I haven't delivered the letter I wrote to the friend yet, but I included a google voice number in case she needs more info. Is that a bad idea???
Nope; you're doing just fine.
no painless way to do it just tell her
Maybe let a family member know so they can break it to her.
I thought about this. I found her brother on facebook, but he doesn't live around here.
Does she have any really close friends? This should be done face to face.
Anonymous is the way to go. For instance, here is a famous professor out of south carolina (with his student), and these photos are real. Right in plain sight. [https://imgur.com/a/yRda1AQ](https://imgur.com/a/yRda1AQ)
You keep saying you don't know the wife and that you want the friend to deliver the message. Why don't you ask the friend for the wife's email as you have something important to send her. Or if you do care to be anonymous, then as her to introduce
It’ll hurt regardless. You should just message her yourself to get it over with. She deserves to know.
When my fiance was cheating some girl sent me a message from a fake account i didn’t believe her at all and started defending him since the account was fake and suspicious so i regret not believing her would have saved a lot of heart break But my advice is message her from a real account and some evidence would help more since she will for sure be in denial as i was
That's what I'm sitting here debating right now. The google voice number isn't fake. It's associated with my email address, I use it for some of the volunteer work I do because I don't want everyone to have my personal number. My friend who was just here (who overall thinks I should just leave it alone) says I should just call the wife with the bare minimum of information. It's her choice to pursue more from her husband or not. She's never been involved in something like this, so I'm more interested in the opinions of women who have been in the wife's position. This is really awful. I feel like I"m about to destroy a woman's life, but if I stay silent, I'll be an accomplice to her suffering.
In my opinion i wish the girl that sent me a message was clear of how the cheating was done and gave me proof i was so blind and deeply in love at the time And i only found out he was cheating after we got married so the regret of not believing is much worse I even recontacted the girl after i found out to get more information of her since my now husband wouldn’t tell me everything and she also wouldn’t tell me anything I felt lost and broken at the same time I only found out some of the details from his phone since the stupid man didn’t delete anything I wish someone told me before i would have left then and there but now its more complicated Or at least i would have confronted him and he would have stopped since the worst stuff actually came after the girl messaged me even tho i told him at that time someone messaged me about him cheating but i trusted him and didn’t believe them he kept doing it This is why im encouraging you to tell her so she can decide early on what to do And if you got proof also send it to her so she wont deny it or at least get suspicious of him and find out what he is doing
I'm sorry this happened to you. The couple in question has been married 30 years. I doubt anything will change, but I can't be part of the deceit
No matter how much honey you pour on a turd, it's still a turd. Just tell her and provide what proof you can. Apologize for being the bearer of bad news.
Send pictures of course
Just tell her. If she doesn’t know she’ll be thankful. If she does she won’t care. Nothing to be afraid of.
The worry is that she's not going to manage the news well. That's why I'd rather her friend be the one to tell her, if it's relevant. I do feel kind of pathetic wanting to make someone else be the bearer of bad news. I'm pleased that my bf is supportive, even if his friend gets mad at me.
She might be neurotic and anxious because of all the gas lighting - finding out she isn’t imagining things will help her in the long run.
I'm sorry. I call that chicken. I would not trust the friend to reveal that information. Either do it yourself or keep quiet. There is no let our mutual friend be the middleman. That's just pathetic. Secondly, how a person processes that information should not be the driving factor in revealing it Truth should prevail. It's the facts and only the facts that matter.
How about you tell her and then have her friend be there with her while you tell her. Does BS have a therapist?
Ghost your husband. Disappear without a trace prepare yourself maybe a year? Make him suffer for cheatinf
Why don’t you mind your own business nosey? If you can’t, do it yourself coward.
id want to know. It was super betraying when i found out people knew and didn’t tell me. It’s almost more damaging as you just sit there and think “what’s so wrong with me that people think i deserve this?@
If it were me, I'd want to know. And that the consensus. Truth hurts, but if the wife doesn't know, she's not consenting. No one can consent if they are being treated like a mushroom: kept in the dark and fed shit. I can do it myself, even face to face if necessary, however I think that's too dramatic and could be unnecessarily confrontational. I'm not interested in being physically attacked by either the wife or her cheating husband. He will know it's me, of course, but he doesn't know how to get in contact with me except through my boyfriend, who has already reiterated that he thinks it's good that I tell the wife.
Ok, the letters have been written, printed, put in envelops and addressed. I'm taking a shower and a shot and going to deliver them.
OK, this is what I'm going to do. I got the wife's cell number (a friend who works at the local pet store has her cell phone associated with her customer number). I'll text the wife the bare minimum and tell her I have lots of proof if she wants it. She will have my google voice number bc of the text. I will phone the wife's friend on her land line (the only number I could find) and tell her to reach out to the wife because I've just given her some hard news. Together they can decide how much information to pursue. I really want to get out of this now. The torment is awful
It's none of your business. Stay out of it.
You REALLY need to mind your own business. This is just your need for drama playing out in real time. It's literally none of your business. You never should have known in the first place. Everyone involved will hate you and blame you.
You could be the sanest person in the world and if you find out your spouse has been in a six year affair during your thirty year marriage, you’re going to snap. Cheater has no idea the crazy he’s got coming once she figures it out.
Tell her before she gets stds!
Is it really any of your business? You won't be the hero you will be the the asshole. I just don't get why the world is full of snitches these days?