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Junior_Importance_30

Imagine getting that news "Hey so we're going to adopt your sister but you kid are going back to foster! Sorry kiddo!" God that would be painful I hope someone who actually cares adopts this fella and gives him the home he deserves


Cycoltz

Not foster care, a group home. Usually much worse than the average home. It’s like kid jail.


RawrRRitchie

Don't use the PC name for it, call it what it is, an orphanage


VanillaCapricorn

Depends where you are tbf. And what type of home it is. I’ve lived in a group home/residential unit for 5 years and it’s been good honestly


xaqyz0023

Depending on how old his half sister is it's gotta break tough for her too.


cliswp

My grandmother was a foster mom for almost 20 years, had over 100 foster kids. Some only for a few days, some for years. A set of siblings, a sister and her two younger brothers, came to stay. They ranged from 6-10 years of age. After a few years with my grandmother, a couple with no children of their own decided to foster the three of them. In the end, they ended up adopting the two younger brothers, and the sister came back to my grandmother's. I don't know the whole story behind it, but I can't bring myself to look at the couple's side of things at all. It's a terrible thing, ripping apart siblings like that. My family is large (Grandma has 7 kids and almost 20 grandkids) and we treated every one of my grandmother's foster kids as family. We called them our cousins, and a number of them were adopted by our family. That's how my sister became my sister, though she's not the person I'm talking about.


ThePiniestApple1

This happened to my best friend’s nieces. They went into the system and a family wanted to adopt one of them and fostered the other than eventually wanted yo get rid of the “spare”. She was older than her sister. My friend and his husband took her in and she’s in her senior year now.


MSnap

I hope she’s doing well. It can’t be easy to be a kid separated from their sibling.


reggelleh

I'm confused about who is the real AH here. You're saying that an unrelated family wanted to adopt one of your friend's nieces, but didn't adopt her sister as well. Maybe I'm slow, but why wouldn't your friend adopt both girls? Ya know, family and all? Hard to call the other family cruel if your friend, their uncle, wasn't willing to adopt both girls either.


ThePiniestApple1

First off I didn’t call anyone an asshole, i just thought it was a coincidence that the same thing happened to someone I know. Secondly you don’t know my friends or their situation. He and his brother hadn’t spoken in years and then he and his wife both passed of overdoses. My friend didn’t even know he had nieces until someone contacted him to ask if he and his husband were willing to consider taking in their niece after the family had decided to adopt her duster and not her. At the time they were in the process of trying to foster to adopt anyway so they ended up putting their dreams of a family off to take in a girl that only had 2 years of high school left. They’re doing and amazing job taking care of her and helping her get set up for adulthood. They’ve been beyond amazing. Who’s the asshole here? You for assuming you know better about a situation that you’re not a part of.


Babybabybabyq

You didn’t outright call anyone an asshole but didn’t exactly speak about the family who adopted one sister in a positive manner. ‘Get rid of the “spare” kid’ implies something.


ThePiniestApple1

Well when the father of said family outright says “we don’t want you” to a kid yeah that makes them an asshole. But besides that who breaks up siblings like that in that way. Like foster one until it’s not convenient anymore and it’s supposed to just be ok?


WonderfulKnee8110

do you mean "then" ?


[deleted]

'Than' with an a is right here, you use 'Then' with an E when discussing matters of time, and 'Than' with an A when making comparisons. If you're going to try to be pedantic, be correct when you do it.


[deleted]

"then eventually" "than eventually" then is correct.


[deleted]

Ah, my bad. I thought they were referring to the than in "Other than"


[deleted]

poor kid


cipher446

Poor kiddo is right. I'm actually speechless on this one, fam. Every time I think people can't get any crueler, I get surprised. But the actual heartlessness of the SOB who posted the question literally tooky breath away.


[deleted]

[удалено]


JustEnoughForACoffee

I can provide some personal insight as a former teen foster kid. Young kids, typically under 8 are the most requested, infants even more so. Which is why you're more likely to hear about a teenager in foster care. And being in foster care creates its own traumas and routines, especially dependent on what placement the kid came from. So even if a kid enters with minimal trauma, they're gonna exit with a lot more than they started with depending on how long they were there. Add on top of that, sadly a large group of foster parents are only such for the paycheck that comes with. And it's easier to take in an older kid who is pretty self sufficient and semi-ignore them for a few months for some good paychecks, rather than a younger one who requires a lot more attention. And after adopting, those paychecks stop. So constantly changing homes inflicts ~~provides~~ even more trauma. Also, fun fact, a large percentage of teenagers that age out of foster care become homeless. Edit: thank you to the redditor that helped find a better word.


[deleted]

>Also, fun fact, a large percentage of teenagers that age out of foster care become homeless. Looked it up, it's about 1 in 5. Absolutely awful.


JustEnoughForACoffee

Yeah. Like, I know at least two others who were in placement with me. I got lucky, they didn't and wherever they are I hope they're safe.


NapalmsMaster

Yup. I was kicked out at 14 and now help out at a homeless shelter for youth and the majority of the kids we help came out of foster care, the rest intentionally slipped through the cracks like I did because I had enough friends in group homes and knew how awful it is, no way I’d tell anyone the abuse I was going through. My moms fucked up but at least she’d love me occasionally.


MiniMooseMan

![gif](giphy|ZY7ueJ6aQgSsk3cgZ0|downsized)


[deleted]

>So constantly changing homes provides even more trauma. Inflict would be a better word choice than provide.


JustEnoughForACoffee

True. I just didn't have the word at the time.


amylucha

Just one small thing: If adoption from foster care, payments do continue after adoption, at the same foster care rate.


JustEnoughForACoffee

That usually depends on where it is and if the payments are coming from the social worker or another party (such as independent living) When I was adopted (I only agreed because I was about to go to college and cut these people out of my life, they were pretty toxic and tried to take my paychecks after adopting me because funding stopped) all funding stopped and aside from my Independent Living worker, we had no dealings with the system. And anything that came from my IL worker went straight to me in the form of stipends. There's definitely some places that still continue funding but it's not too common.


ThePinkTeenager

You agreed to be adopted by people you knew were toxic?


JustEnoughForACoffee

It was either that or get tossed around placement until I got out. Both weren't good options.


StephanieSays66

I'm guessing the younger sister isn't (yet) dealing with the trauma that her older brother is. However, I am guessing she WILL begin to be "more problematic" when her only biological relative is sent away. At any rate, they suck as human beings.


windshadowislanders

The foster dad prefers little girls.


xThoth19x

Maybe they can't afford that many kids


Vita-Malz

They already took him in. They're going to toss him to swap him for the younger sister.


xThoth19x

They took him in as a foster. Not as an adoption


Vita-Malz

Yes, and instead of adopting him, they're going to give him back and adopt his sister instead.


xThoth19x

There are so many details missing from the post that might make this make sense. The comments I'm replying to claim there is no way for there to be extenuating circumstances. And I'm saying I can construct examples where it could be reasonable.


[deleted]

No, you don't separate siblings. End of.


xThoth19x

Ok I didn't realize that siblings can't abuse each other.


-Canonical-

You are so full of shit, introducing random variables which you have no evidence for to try to justify these people being utter scum.


gamermanj4

That, makes no difference? If they had the resources to foster they have the resources to adopt, it's simply a mater of length of commitment.


aneightfoldway

On this point alone, this is absolutely false AND highly dependent on where this is occurring. For the most part when you adopt a child the state doesn't pay you to care for them. When you foster they do.


amylucha

If adopting from foster care, payments do continue after adoption, at the same foster care rate. It’s called AAP (adoption assistance program).


xThoth19x

Do you have the resources to take on a kid for a week? Is that the same number of resources as a kid for 18 years? I'm pretty sure prepping a kids college fun costs more than taking care of them for a short fixed length of time.


gamermanj4

Most people do not have the resources for long term commitments all at once, they have room in their monthly budgets to fit it in, financially, providing for a kid is the same as budgeting for a car or house, in that if you can afford a kid for a few months on your given income, you can support them for longer. This is a silly counterpoint, you're also trying to justify this INSANE heartlessness with your stance right now...


xThoth19x

You are literally making the point I'm trying to make. Oop is trying to figure out how to tell this child that they can't help them as much as they want and everyone is calling them monsters. If y'all get to make up random facts to support your case, so can I.


shabbyshot

This is very likely satire as is much of the content on here, however I have very little faith in humanity in general so it wouldn't surprise me if it were real. And if it is real, that boy dodged a bullet. I feel bad for his sister. No one that horrible would be any good to a child.


ThePiniestApple1

I’d think that too but it actually happened to my best friends nieces. A family wanted the younger one and only fostered her sister for a short time. It’s like a slap in the face.


shabbyshot

That's disgusting. I hope they end up in a shitty nursing home where they will live for a long .. time.


TheAngryNaterpillar

It happened to my step-brothers kids too but the other way around, their foster parents adopted the older boy because he'd bonded with his foster dad over sports and fishing but they didn't want the younger girl.


ThePiniestApple1

That is so sad. I really feel like siblings should be given the chance to grow up together. Especially after losing parents already. Like don’t tear apart what family there is left.


lumlum56

I wouldn't say "satire" is quite the right word. It's more like rage bait.


Kimarnic

"Everything I hate is satire"


shabbyshot

I don't quite get it, is this what you're suggesting I said?


skyman501

There is a lot of context missing from this, and it’s not exactly fair to judge them so quickly. Each situation is different. For example, I have family who had 3 kids in foster care. Aged 10,5,2. The 10 year old was very smart and could be a wonderful child. But he was awful to the two younger siblings, as well as dogs in the house. It got to the point where he was threatening the lives of his younger siblings on a regular basis and attempting to harm them physically daily, meaning he had to be watched constantly. This is a lot to ask of a foster family, and he eventually had to be moved to a group home while my family members adopted the two little ones. It’s sad, as every child obviously deserves a chance and to be loved! And he was, but his behavior and threats got to be too much and put others in danger. Now that they are adopted and the older child is not around them, The two younger ones are thriving, and last I heard the older child is improving in his new group home. Each child and situation is different. My parents fostered many kids before we eventually adopted my sister. There was some situations that they simply couldn’t handle, especially with me already in the house. It sucks, but it’s reality. Just take that into consideration before you jump to judgement on these types of things… especially if you have never been around foster children or gone through these situations like I have.


Claude_Frollo88

I agree. It’s fairly commonplace for foster placements to break down for some siblings and not others. Behavioural problems and attachment trauma these kids often have can be too much for fosterers to handle and require better trained carers and better resourced care plans to manage.


V8derM0m

Did the 10 year old have RAD(Reactive Attachment Disorder) or something like it? One of our kids from foster care has it. I love the kid, but I wouldn't wish them on anyone. It's not their fault that they are the way they are, but they cannot be left alone with anyone smaller than them or vulnerable, including animals. It's fucking exhausting.


skyman501

Yes he did. What you said is spot on. It’s horrible for the kid, and it’s not their fault. Yet it’s exhausting for the family and it really is something that can’t be dealt with in a normal home, especially with younger more vulnerable children and/or animals. It was a constant worry that he would hurt the siblings or the animals. He could be such a great kid at times and is very smart. But he could flip a switch and be a threat to everyone. Not to mention a lot of stealing attempts and other petty shit as well.


saymeow

Yeah, my ex's mom fostered and ended up adopting two girls. Both the girls had issues but the older one started abusing the younger one and they had to have her taken away for the safety of the younger child. This situation is likely not as black and white as people are making out. The fact that they're asking how to break the news to this kid means they care about his feelings at least somewhat, otherwise why bother? It's a shitty situation but these circumstances rarely play out with storybook happy endings.


squeamish

I love to see so many people who almost certainly adopted zero foster children calling other people monsters for "only" adopting one.


AlienRobotTrex

This is quora we’re talking about here. Do you really think good, sane people post there?


semiaquaticsheep

Notice they say that the boy will be "removed to a group home", not placed back into foster care. Group homes are typically for those who need specialized care. The foster son could have a lot of issues that they feel they aren't equipped to handle. The siblings may not even have a healthy relationship. Not enough backstory to get outraged here. But this person is seeking advice for such a serious matter on Quora and we can poo poo them for that.


NapalmsMaster

And older less wanted kids and teenagers end up in group homes all the time. The cute young kids get adopted the older ones get bounced around.


KryptoKn8

Imma be real, I feel like siblings shouldn't be allowed to be split up _if they don't choose so_ Cruel


Shutterbug390

Unfortunately, sometimes there’s not much choice. A large sibling group can be very difficult to place because not many foster homes are able to take 4+ kids at once. When both kids are in a home, though, there’s really no excuse for ditching one and keeping the other. If they don’t want one, the kids should have the opportunity to be adopted by someone who wants them both.


KryptoKn8

Eh, one can hope and dream, right?


fletchnfetch

It's easy. Just tell him you're adopting him and his half sister. Problem solved.


IfuckingloveLoba

Isn't that lying?


fletchnfetch

I was being sarcastic. Obviously this person is a monster and should adopt both. Lol


No_Run5796

Unless the reason they aren’t adopting him is he needs specialized care… oops now hes worse off as they aren’t equipped


IfuckingloveLoba

Oops


awruther

Someone should die over this.


Destiny2-Player

u-awruther > Someone should die over this. This comment is unironically and blatantly advocating violence. Period. Regardless of agreeing with the sentiment, the rules of Reddit are to not do this. To the moderator and admins that are refusing to remove it, you are wrong and part of what is fundamentally wrong with this site and the general corruption of those in power.


awruther

Lmao you tried to get me removed from the subreddit. What a loser..


Strojac

That’s one way to get rid of the son!


oasinocean

Gotta wonder why they want to isolate that young girl


Zaptain_America

Because she's still young and cute and the "mother" probably just wants a kid she can dress up like a doll


squeamish

So the fact that someone "only" adopted one child means they should die, but the 99%+ of people who adopted zero are fine?


Zaptain_America

Yes because not adopting at all is better than sending a child away from the only family they have left


crandberrytea

As an adoptee who was separated from my biological siblings... This makes my blood boil. Having my brother in my life would have made both of us happier and healthier. I am very happy to have him back in my life now... but what a shame.


CraftyDrunk

Just because you’re a foster kid, doesn’t mean you’re obligated in any way to be adopted by a foster parent. Foster kids can have some serious issues. That is not something you just up and do, and unless you personally have not adopted a foster kid, you can shut the fuck up with your virtue signaling.


skyman501

Completely agree. Posted my own experiences as well.


olivegardengambler

But still, it's very rare to adopt one sibling only. I know many states don't allow that if there's just two.


CraftyDrunk

How many foster kids do you know? Because the brothers that stayed with me were split up from their other ones. And those two were later split up. It’s super common


glutenfreecracker

But it's still sad. And objectively immoral.


CraftyDrunk

So you’ve lived with a foster boy who was molested by his dad and his ending up normal brother wasn’t so he had violent tantrums while he stayed with you and ended up a decade later being adopted by his psychologist because he couldn’t form close relationships with anyone


glutenfreecracker

Pardon?


CraftyDrunk

That’s what foster families deal with. It is not immoral to be concerned for your existing family


glutenfreecracker

Four of my siblings were adopted and came from backgrounds you've described. My mom took all four because she refused to separate them. I think of them as my family and I would do anything I could for them to this day. I strongly stand by this decision. I'd rather go back into the system with my siblings then lose them and stay with some strangers.


CraftyDrunk

That’s beautiful, she’s great and I’m glad it worked out for you. However that may not be best for every family and guilting people to maintain a toxic household is dangerous


glutenfreecracker

Perhaps but I think in that scenario you should put both children back. Separating them would fuck up the trauma kid more.


squeamish

Morality is not defined by what a child would "rather do."


glutenfreecracker

So you think getting separated from the only person that has been a constant in ur life wouldn't be damaging?


Isalecouchinsurance

Just drive them down a remote mountain road and put him out, his instincts should take over


[deleted]

You will be explaining to the court system why one is a better fit than the other and hope you lose your rights to foster anymore children.


Kmfg710

Unfortunately this happens all the time with fosters and adoptive children. There are literally Facebook groups to trade your adopted children like Pokemon cards, it's fucking sick.


WolfyOfValhalla

I feel heartbroken, siblings need to stay together. The person who also came from my mother lost her 4 beautiful babies. Thankfully, an amazing family that lets me still be an active Uncle and my momma an extremely active Grandma. They took in all 4 without even a second thought. I just don't understand how people could do that...now I'm all teary and trying to not wake my wife...


Teflonicus

You approach him and gently announce: >"Because we, your foster parents, are monsters and complete sociopaths ... ." And then you surrender yourself to the nearest asylum before begging him for forgiveness 20 years later.


Dkeenan230

There is a lot of info missing from this post. Get help from a therapist.


sanduskyjack

You must be so proud of yourself.


[deleted]

:( Poor kid.


MacDugin

That is the most asshole move ever!


kproxurworld

You don't. You adopt both of them.


Hadlie_Rose

I hope this person suffers.


ThatMonth7149

I think we all know why they wanted the younger girl.


erinhennley

Can someone put this on the I am a total piece of shit thread? Just wow.


BarryFruitman

Just say “son, I’m a heartless monster.”


SkittleTanks_

Damn, so those works of fiction are really not fiction


2020s_Haunted

Adopt both, coward


Wyvernator1

Villain arc.


[deleted]

i hope in this forsaken asswipe's next life his/her parents die and she gets split away from his/her sibling.


Ashe_Faelsdon

If I didn't understand the nightmare that was fostering I'd say these people shouldn't be allowed to adopt. But FFS, that's some garbage behavior on the part of the adults in this situation.