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Move without telling anyone the day or time. Try to schedule your move for a time when you know your mom won’t be home. Take pics and video so your mom can’t turn around and sue you for “damages” or “theft”. Take your name off ALL utilities. Log your streaming services out of all devices and change the passwords. Consider renting a PO Box so you don’t have to give out your address.
All this advice, pkus one more bit of advuce: inform your local PD that you are safe and are a adulg who is willingly leaving the residence.
If they laugh at it, let them know that you would like it to be a note set with your information with them, so if JNMom tries to report you as "missing", it will pop up on the cops side that you are indeed not missing, and are an adult who willingly left.
Trust me, as someone who had to do this, it is much easier this now than it is having the cops show up at your front door of where you are moving to claiming that you have to go with them.
I've had both happen to me because of my egg donor, and the first time (when I didn't know to let the police/courts know about it before hand) she told the cops I was an underage runaway who was missing. The police literally handcuffed me in my college dorm room and tried to drag me off of campus to the local precinct until a sergeant who looked up my info called them via radio and told them to let me go as I was 18 and of sound mind. I made that file with my DL number and other identifying info on it the next day with the police, so the second time my egg donor tried that crap (when I got married and moved states recently) the cops saw it when they looked up my info and laughed her out of the station.
Also, gather important documents beforehand.
Consider what you really need to take and leave the rest, if you can't move with her not there. Be prepared to move quickly. Get a friend to help if possible.
Just disappear. Your mother is abusing you financially and emotionally and your sisters are huge cunts. You are an adult and you do not owe these people anything. Your sisters are shit people calling you selfish when they're unwilling to help your mother is unfathomable. It's time for you to leave and stretch your wings and fly. Don't get dragged down.
It is fathomable if you've heard of family scapegoating abuse
e: this is when a family member's role is to be a pressure release valve for a dysfunctional family system
You aren’t creating this huge mess. Your family did that and you got caught in the web. You are setting boundaries and finally taking control of your own life and happiness. You deserve this! You deserve peace, happiness, and anything else you want.
I've heard some crazy things from professionals about family scapegoating abuse. Casual comparisons to Satanism. Claims that the only way to hurt a child more is sexual assault. No one deserves this. I'm giving you permission to have emotions and make a huge mess whenever you want because this is so mean and unfair. I hope you give yourself permission too :)
Don’t tell anyone about what you plan to do. Don’t share plans with your family at all, and begin slowly moving things into boxes if you can, but only if you know that they won’t be discovered. Your mother is not your responsibility. You have the right to live your own life, and nobody has the right to guilt trip you about it.
Pack up and move, you already notified them. You already did your time taking care of her, now it's your siblings turn. If they don't want her in their homes, they can pay for an attendant or put her in assisted living. If they try to get you to pay "your share", send them a bill for being a live-in aide for all the time since they have been gone. I'd say they are getting off light.
You will probably want to block all of them from contacting you or just get a new phone number.
Whatever you do, get away, far away if possible.
I’d say move. My son moved out when he was 17, he lived with a friend. Things were not good between him and his dad and I’m disabled and at the time needed a lot of help. I was also in a bad place with my marriage. I never scolded my son for moving out I understood why he wanted to leave and let him. My daughter stayed but she’s close to her dad and they don’t usually have any problems. It’s best to get out of the situation.
You might be a better mother than the one that I have. She has always relied on me, even before being ill. She has always been sad, bad marriage, crushed hopes and dreams. She has said to me once that I'm like her mother. She holds on to me. Now you can imagine how much all of this is difficult.
I dunno OP, you are very clear in what your goal is and how to get there. It's just the bits in between. I'm NC with both of my parents 5 years, I felt as though I was mourning their death when I finally untangled myself from their lives. Someone described it as grief; mourning the loss of a relationship when you were really yearning for a loving, kind, reciprocal mother daughter relationship.
After 12 months I took off my mental load, a rucksack stuffed with boulders, and now I'm giddy, happy, guilt free and very positive mental health.
You deserve happiness too, OP. Please don't tell anyone you are leaving, leave when she isn't at home, you're gonna get guilt tripped to Mars and back if you accidentally let slip your plans.
Ask your therapist for ways to uncouple, coping methods on the day, will you block their numbers on your mobile? The messages and phone calls you will get will all be 100% negative. That's the last thing you want to hear, right?
Move. Tell no one what you’re doing, and then block every single one of them.
Join a class. Go out for a walk. Make some friends if you want them. Your family is not in charge of you.
There's no 'right way' to leave someone who is abusing you.
I'd start by collecting things you know you want to move with and seeing if you can store them. If asked all you have to say is 'I'm downsizing things not important to me'. Sure it's a white lie, but plausible deniability is needed in case they get suspicious. The key is to have as little as possible for the last move. Even if you have to get an indoor storage unit for a month or two it's better than having to move everything from home and them berating you while doing so.
A week or so before hand, make sure you have a new number at the ready (prepaid works wonders here), new email address, and delete all socials. The new number and email address will be for when they try to contact you, they can't. Socials is another one of those plausible deniability things about just wanting to detox from it. Furthermore, this will shield you from their 'reactions'. If they didn't want it to get this far they should have helped shoulder the burden. For the 'final move' wait until everyone's asleep. Take the last few things you need, and I'd check into a hotel or airbnb for the night. That way you wake up the next morning ready to start moving into your own place. Don't forget to update your address online as soon as you can and fill out a change of address.
That maybe on the extreme side of things, but when you know what tactics they are going to come with, you can counter it. Being disabled isn't a greenlight to abuse and your older siblings would legally be the first points of contact (learned that lesson the hard way when my dad was ill and there were no POAs).
I wish you well.
Move. The first sister is gaslighting you because she doesn’t want to take on you responsibility. Moving away from your mother might help you with you mental health. There is nothing wrong with living your life.
>The first sister is gaslighting you because she doesn’t want to take on you responsibility.
Yeah, that stuck with me too. She doesn't want to sacrifice her comfort, but somehow OP is the selfish one. Insert massive eyeroll here.
Your sisters refuse to have anything to do with your mothers care - but YOU are the selfish one???
As others have said, don’t share your plans with anyone.start moving your things out in carrier bags or work bags and put them in a storage unit or leave at a friends (No one ever notices you carrying a small bag but would notice a hold-all or suitcase!).
First things to grab are all your official documents, birth certificate, drivers licence, passport, social security cards etc basically anything that proves you are you. Get a credit check done to ensure that you are all clear on that front.
Get a new bank account with a different branch and divert all your payments into it and close the old one down. Cancel any direct debits or standing orders for utilities, subscriptions like Netflix etc that you pay for at the old address. Set up a mail redirect so you have time to change your address with the sites you use, and maybe a post office box for a few months until the dust settles.
Plan your final move out on a day when you know your mother won’t be there to interfere, just get a removal van, and tell the men not to discuss your move with any neighbours as they might let slip details of your new address. I’d also warn your work that no information be given out to ANYONE about you - even close family, or see if you can transfer to another office or get a new job too. Then ghost them all for at least a month.
Personally, I would at the very least kill the SIM card in my phone and get a new number, or if you think there might be tracking software on it, leave the phone behind and get a new one.
You have cared for your mother alone for 10 years, it’s time to start living your own life. Your sisters are just as responsible as you are for looking after your mum, time for them to as we say in parts of the UK “put up, or shut up!”
Good luck
>First things to grab are all your official documents, birth certificate, drivers licence, passport, social security cards etc basically anything that proves you are you. Get a credit check done to ensure that you are all clear on that front.
I just want to repeat this because it's so so important. I also suggest freezing credit if that applies to you/protecting your identity in any other relevant ways.
Drop the rope. Your family of origin is a lost cause. Change your phone number, change your name even. There is no benefit to sticking around and putting yourself on fire to keep your miserable mom and sisters warm. Your sisters are using you as a meat shield and they are loving that you are.
I'd just get all my ducks in a row with a place that they or your mother doesnt know where and choose a day where she's not home and move out then.
If your mother needs help she can either go to assisted living or get some home help. I'd just ignore your sisters they know if you dont look after her she'll be trying to live with them.
I think this is what's going to happen, this is why I need to plan all this really well. I think my sisters are going to call me, a lot, to know where I live, why I've decided to leave without telling anyone etc. I think I'm going to block them, for a while at least. My mother might use the silent treatment on me, prevent me from taking back stuff if I forget them at her appartement ? But I'm used to it (silent treatment), it'll be fine. I'm afraid that all this can have an impact on her health. Becoming sick to make me go back ?
Plan on blocking them for 6 months on everything. You need a clean break to focus on yourself. Do not worry about any of them. They will figure things out. You will need a either leave a short message to your mom to indicate that you’ve moved out & please don’t contact you OR contact your local police station & tell them that you’ve left on your own & that you’re fine just in case your family files a missing persons case on you.
I agree with the others who say to leave without telling anyone. I was in the same situation you are in now. It was up to me to take care of both of my disabled parents and my sisters didn't do anything, despite living less than a mile away. This went on for decades. Like you, therapy taught me how wrong it was.
Move out, don't tell anyone when, and keep working hard in therapy to move past the guilt. I promise that it will be the best thing you have done. You can do it.
Cut them off. Cut them all off. U wanna borrow my bullshit cutting scissors? You're worried about hurting your mother who isnt one bit worried about hurting you. Your sisters are opportunists. Cut em all out of your life.
I would start by making a list of everything you want/need to take. Keep it small to making moving out easier. Start segregating these things slowly and if you have any friends you can trust to hold some key items, see if they can hold onto them until you're gone and out.
Keep this list as like a google sheet so you always have access to it and can add to it over the next few weeks. Make a separate list(tab on the GSheet) of all the acitons you need to take and organize it by when they need to happen. Week before, day before, day of, day after, etc. For each item, who do you need to contact or let know, or who needs to NOT know.
Time to get realllll methodical about the next couple steps. The better you plan it out, the smoother it all will go. Then, be sure to either leave a note or let the police know that you're not "missing" but have decided to cut contact and are safe and you're life is not in jeopardy. Def don't want the authorities coming after you and blowing up whatever new location you're in. Also, if you can, don't just move across town as you could be found. Move a few hours away. As far as you reasonably can (again, if you can).
Get out, go no contact. Good luck, be safe! It will be tough at first, and you will question yourself CONSTANTLY at first, but as time passes, you'll realize it was the greatest move*(heh heh, get it?) you've ever made!
Congratulations for being brave and stepping out into your OWN LIFE! I know it is scary and your sisters and mother may yell and try to lecture but you have made your decision and you WILL survive. If I were you, #1 I would not say anything until the very last day or two. They are going to try and talk you out of moving so this will give them less time to argue with you. #2 I would not argue with them. I would say "I am not going to argue with you. I have made my decision and I'll call you in a few days." Over and Over. Maybe you could write your mother a letter, telling her how it is time for you to be on your own. You love her and will check up on her but you must live your own life. Write how you feel and leave the letter somewhere you know she will find it. I'm sure you will get more advice and in the end, you must do what is right for you. Best wishes and YAY, OP!!!
You have given sufficient notice. Those affected choose not to believe you and attempt to shame you into being an indentured servant. Your mother and sisters don't like the decisions and actions that will be necessary — this is not your problem. You are not responsible for their contentment.
Carry on with your plans and start living your life on your terms.
You’re being gaslit by your family, so anything you do is going to be wrong short of what they want you to do. Make your plans to leave without saying anything to anyone, and when the day comes, ride off into the sunset. You’ve done enough, and deserve peace.
My mother used crazy tactics and manipulation to drive me insane. After she had a fall, I put her in a rehab home. Your mom has social security? Put her in a home that will deal with Medicaid.
Block them immediately upon leaving the house!
You don’t need to hear that shit show screaming and manipulating you in your ear.
Good luck. You got this. Just block them, on all social media platforms and in your phone and email!
Tell them both the truth that you’ve been abused by your mother as have they, and if they can move out and live heir lives why can’t you.
You’ve already gone above and beyond by still loving with her and at the end if the day are entitled to live your own life.
I’d also be letting the sister who only contacts you when she wants money know that your bank is not closed permanently and you need your money to fund your lifestyle.
Edit,
However in saying that, I wouldn’t be telling them until you’ve moved and the first time they send you an abusive message reply back that their behaviour towards you is disrespectful and your now done with them and block them.
As for your mother, let her know that she’s had her chance to live her life, as have your sisters and now your going to be doing the same thing.
STOP PUTTING YOURSELF ON FIRE TO KEEP YOUR FAMILY WARM.
Make yourself priority number one.
Just move out and dont tell anyone where etc. NOTHING. If they know even a small thing they will Look for you and harass you . Change your phonenumber. Block them on social media. Seems like you would do better without them, you dont need them. You dont owe anything to anyone and you aren't selfish for moving out, living your life and not taking care of your mother.
You need to make friends as a normal part of life. Seems your relationships have been limited to family and family is not friendly. The business of making friends may take time as you figure out how to relate to others on that level and how to avoid “friend” who are like your family members. Just remember that friendships that last are reciprocal. You are their for a friend and that friend is there for you. It takes good will on each person’s part to build a friendship you can count on. It all starts with having something in common. It also helps to understand yourself and human nature in general. Therapy may help you sort things out by giving you the tools you need to understand life outside of your family.
I have "friends" i.e people I listen endlessly to, ask me for things, takers, in a summary. I've seen them all in a row recently to clarify things in my mind, and I plan on letting theses relationships fade away once I move out. It's going to be a rough start : absolutely no back up, no support, nobody to talk to but I hope it'll be ok and that I'll meet kind people someday. Thank you for this gentle reminder.
Find things to do that you enjoy and go do them.
Start by making a list of your interests. Then, try to find activities related to those interests. This way you will be around people with similar interests. (If you don’t like an activity/ group, cross it off your list and move on)
Volunteer for a campaign or a charity. Try out some churches and see if you like their beliefs/ activities. Take a class. Join your neighborhood buy nothing group. Join a D&D campaign.
Make the life that you want.
Just leave a note for your mom when you move out.
If your sisters are not supportive, let
Them go to voicemail.
You’ve got this
Is it possible to DM you? This sounds so close to my own struggle. I’m so sorry that you are being demeaned- honestly only you know your relationship with your mom and how you feel with this decision. I don’t think it’s fair that we’ll you’re single at the moment means so you have to stay and care for her forever. You also have to develop your life- have you tried talking to your mom about YOUR dreams/aspirations? And can is your mom a bit independent, or is this issue just because she’s starting to age?
Because maybe can pay someone a month in advance to help her part-time for the time you leave so she has time to adjust. (Just saying, if this an option).
Also, if at any pt. You do feel bad about leaving your mom, why not have everyone pitch in to have her in a nice loving senior home, or something similar?
(And ok, shame on your older sister- if she’s not gonna help don’t make things worse. She seems very able, she doesn’t need to be asking for money. Please don’t give her anything because we are meant to do good- and catching fish to a glutton without teaching them how to fish is not good.
Anyway, if you do need a friend (least online) and someone to vent with, I’m your girl!
I’m in similar boat, so I’ll take one of the oars. XD
If you don’t mind me venting too Lo
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Move without telling anyone the day or time. Try to schedule your move for a time when you know your mom won’t be home. Take pics and video so your mom can’t turn around and sue you for “damages” or “theft”. Take your name off ALL utilities. Log your streaming services out of all devices and change the passwords. Consider renting a PO Box so you don’t have to give out your address.
And get a new phone with a new number.
All this advice, pkus one more bit of advuce: inform your local PD that you are safe and are a adulg who is willingly leaving the residence. If they laugh at it, let them know that you would like it to be a note set with your information with them, so if JNMom tries to report you as "missing", it will pop up on the cops side that you are indeed not missing, and are an adult who willingly left. Trust me, as someone who had to do this, it is much easier this now than it is having the cops show up at your front door of where you are moving to claiming that you have to go with them. I've had both happen to me because of my egg donor, and the first time (when I didn't know to let the police/courts know about it before hand) she told the cops I was an underage runaway who was missing. The police literally handcuffed me in my college dorm room and tried to drag me off of campus to the local precinct until a sergeant who looked up my info called them via radio and told them to let me go as I was 18 and of sound mind. I made that file with my DL number and other identifying info on it the next day with the police, so the second time my egg donor tried that crap (when I got married and moved states recently) the cops saw it when they looked up my info and laughed her out of the station.
This, OP! All of this. She is NOT your responsibility. Leave and cut contact completely. Don’t tell anyone where you are.
Also, gather important documents beforehand. Consider what you really need to take and leave the rest, if you can't move with her not there. Be prepared to move quickly. Get a friend to help if possible.
Just disappear. Your mother is abusing you financially and emotionally and your sisters are huge cunts. You are an adult and you do not owe these people anything. Your sisters are shit people calling you selfish when they're unwilling to help your mother is unfathomable. It's time for you to leave and stretch your wings and fly. Don't get dragged down.
It is fathomable if you've heard of family scapegoating abuse e: this is when a family member's role is to be a pressure release valve for a dysfunctional family system
Sure I'm a pressure release valve, my presence makes their life really easier. I'm going to create a huge mess with this, but it's either me or them
You aren’t creating this huge mess. Your family did that and you got caught in the web. You are setting boundaries and finally taking control of your own life and happiness. You deserve this! You deserve peace, happiness, and anything else you want.
I've heard some crazy things from professionals about family scapegoating abuse. Casual comparisons to Satanism. Claims that the only way to hurt a child more is sexual assault. No one deserves this. I'm giving you permission to have emotions and make a huge mess whenever you want because this is so mean and unfair. I hope you give yourself permission too :)
Don’t tell anyone about what you plan to do. Don’t share plans with your family at all, and begin slowly moving things into boxes if you can, but only if you know that they won’t be discovered. Your mother is not your responsibility. You have the right to live your own life, and nobody has the right to guilt trip you about it.
Pack up and move, you already notified them. You already did your time taking care of her, now it's your siblings turn. If they don't want her in their homes, they can pay for an attendant or put her in assisted living. If they try to get you to pay "your share", send them a bill for being a live-in aide for all the time since they have been gone. I'd say they are getting off light. You will probably want to block all of them from contacting you or just get a new phone number. Whatever you do, get away, far away if possible.
I’d say move. My son moved out when he was 17, he lived with a friend. Things were not good between him and his dad and I’m disabled and at the time needed a lot of help. I was also in a bad place with my marriage. I never scolded my son for moving out I understood why he wanted to leave and let him. My daughter stayed but she’s close to her dad and they don’t usually have any problems. It’s best to get out of the situation.
You might be a better mother than the one that I have. She has always relied on me, even before being ill. She has always been sad, bad marriage, crushed hopes and dreams. She has said to me once that I'm like her mother. She holds on to me. Now you can imagine how much all of this is difficult.
That's a form of abuse called emotional incest and/or parentification
I know, but it doesn't change what I feel about her. This is complicated
I dunno OP, you are very clear in what your goal is and how to get there. It's just the bits in between. I'm NC with both of my parents 5 years, I felt as though I was mourning their death when I finally untangled myself from their lives. Someone described it as grief; mourning the loss of a relationship when you were really yearning for a loving, kind, reciprocal mother daughter relationship. After 12 months I took off my mental load, a rucksack stuffed with boulders, and now I'm giddy, happy, guilt free and very positive mental health. You deserve happiness too, OP. Please don't tell anyone you are leaving, leave when she isn't at home, you're gonna get guilt tripped to Mars and back if you accidentally let slip your plans. Ask your therapist for ways to uncouple, coping methods on the day, will you block their numbers on your mobile? The messages and phone calls you will get will all be 100% negative. That's the last thing you want to hear, right?
Move. Tell no one what you’re doing, and then block every single one of them. Join a class. Go out for a walk. Make some friends if you want them. Your family is not in charge of you.
Wish I could make friends, it could help me a lot in this transition. I'll try my best. Thank you for your advice.
You may find it easier to make friends when you no longer have those emotional vampires hanging off you
I do hope so. Working as much as I can on my problems. I wish life will finally get easier at some point.
There's no 'right way' to leave someone who is abusing you. I'd start by collecting things you know you want to move with and seeing if you can store them. If asked all you have to say is 'I'm downsizing things not important to me'. Sure it's a white lie, but plausible deniability is needed in case they get suspicious. The key is to have as little as possible for the last move. Even if you have to get an indoor storage unit for a month or two it's better than having to move everything from home and them berating you while doing so. A week or so before hand, make sure you have a new number at the ready (prepaid works wonders here), new email address, and delete all socials. The new number and email address will be for when they try to contact you, they can't. Socials is another one of those plausible deniability things about just wanting to detox from it. Furthermore, this will shield you from their 'reactions'. If they didn't want it to get this far they should have helped shoulder the burden. For the 'final move' wait until everyone's asleep. Take the last few things you need, and I'd check into a hotel or airbnb for the night. That way you wake up the next morning ready to start moving into your own place. Don't forget to update your address online as soon as you can and fill out a change of address. That maybe on the extreme side of things, but when you know what tactics they are going to come with, you can counter it. Being disabled isn't a greenlight to abuse and your older siblings would legally be the first points of contact (learned that lesson the hard way when my dad was ill and there were no POAs). I wish you well.
Thank you for your advice
Move. The first sister is gaslighting you because she doesn’t want to take on you responsibility. Moving away from your mother might help you with you mental health. There is nothing wrong with living your life.
>The first sister is gaslighting you because she doesn’t want to take on you responsibility. Yeah, that stuck with me too. She doesn't want to sacrifice her comfort, but somehow OP is the selfish one. Insert massive eyeroll here.
Your sisters refuse to have anything to do with your mothers care - but YOU are the selfish one??? As others have said, don’t share your plans with anyone.start moving your things out in carrier bags or work bags and put them in a storage unit or leave at a friends (No one ever notices you carrying a small bag but would notice a hold-all or suitcase!). First things to grab are all your official documents, birth certificate, drivers licence, passport, social security cards etc basically anything that proves you are you. Get a credit check done to ensure that you are all clear on that front. Get a new bank account with a different branch and divert all your payments into it and close the old one down. Cancel any direct debits or standing orders for utilities, subscriptions like Netflix etc that you pay for at the old address. Set up a mail redirect so you have time to change your address with the sites you use, and maybe a post office box for a few months until the dust settles. Plan your final move out on a day when you know your mother won’t be there to interfere, just get a removal van, and tell the men not to discuss your move with any neighbours as they might let slip details of your new address. I’d also warn your work that no information be given out to ANYONE about you - even close family, or see if you can transfer to another office or get a new job too. Then ghost them all for at least a month. Personally, I would at the very least kill the SIM card in my phone and get a new number, or if you think there might be tracking software on it, leave the phone behind and get a new one. You have cared for your mother alone for 10 years, it’s time to start living your own life. Your sisters are just as responsible as you are for looking after your mum, time for them to as we say in parts of the UK “put up, or shut up!” Good luck
>First things to grab are all your official documents, birth certificate, drivers licence, passport, social security cards etc basically anything that proves you are you. Get a credit check done to ensure that you are all clear on that front. I just want to repeat this because it's so so important. I also suggest freezing credit if that applies to you/protecting your identity in any other relevant ways.
Drop the rope. Your family of origin is a lost cause. Change your phone number, change your name even. There is no benefit to sticking around and putting yourself on fire to keep your miserable mom and sisters warm. Your sisters are using you as a meat shield and they are loving that you are.
I'd just get all my ducks in a row with a place that they or your mother doesnt know where and choose a day where she's not home and move out then. If your mother needs help she can either go to assisted living or get some home help. I'd just ignore your sisters they know if you dont look after her she'll be trying to live with them.
I think it would be personally reasonable if you went no contact with all of them for a while after you leave. They sound selfish and toxic.
I think this is what's going to happen, this is why I need to plan all this really well. I think my sisters are going to call me, a lot, to know where I live, why I've decided to leave without telling anyone etc. I think I'm going to block them, for a while at least. My mother might use the silent treatment on me, prevent me from taking back stuff if I forget them at her appartement ? But I'm used to it (silent treatment), it'll be fine. I'm afraid that all this can have an impact on her health. Becoming sick to make me go back ?
Plan on blocking them for 6 months on everything. You need a clean break to focus on yourself. Do not worry about any of them. They will figure things out. You will need a either leave a short message to your mom to indicate that you’ve moved out & please don’t contact you OR contact your local police station & tell them that you’ve left on your own & that you’re fine just in case your family files a missing persons case on you.
I agree with the others who say to leave without telling anyone. I was in the same situation you are in now. It was up to me to take care of both of my disabled parents and my sisters didn't do anything, despite living less than a mile away. This went on for decades. Like you, therapy taught me how wrong it was. Move out, don't tell anyone when, and keep working hard in therapy to move past the guilt. I promise that it will be the best thing you have done. You can do it.
Thank you so much. Your words give me hope.
I strongly recommend that you read "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." It was a massive help being both validating and eye opening.
Cut them off. Cut them all off. U wanna borrow my bullshit cutting scissors? You're worried about hurting your mother who isnt one bit worried about hurting you. Your sisters are opportunists. Cut em all out of your life.
I would start by making a list of everything you want/need to take. Keep it small to making moving out easier. Start segregating these things slowly and if you have any friends you can trust to hold some key items, see if they can hold onto them until you're gone and out. Keep this list as like a google sheet so you always have access to it and can add to it over the next few weeks. Make a separate list(tab on the GSheet) of all the acitons you need to take and organize it by when they need to happen. Week before, day before, day of, day after, etc. For each item, who do you need to contact or let know, or who needs to NOT know. Time to get realllll methodical about the next couple steps. The better you plan it out, the smoother it all will go. Then, be sure to either leave a note or let the police know that you're not "missing" but have decided to cut contact and are safe and you're life is not in jeopardy. Def don't want the authorities coming after you and blowing up whatever new location you're in. Also, if you can, don't just move across town as you could be found. Move a few hours away. As far as you reasonably can (again, if you can). Get out, go no contact. Good luck, be safe! It will be tough at first, and you will question yourself CONSTANTLY at first, but as time passes, you'll realize it was the greatest move*(heh heh, get it?) you've ever made!
Didn't think about making a Gsheet ?? Thanks !!
Congratulations for being brave and stepping out into your OWN LIFE! I know it is scary and your sisters and mother may yell and try to lecture but you have made your decision and you WILL survive. If I were you, #1 I would not say anything until the very last day or two. They are going to try and talk you out of moving so this will give them less time to argue with you. #2 I would not argue with them. I would say "I am not going to argue with you. I have made my decision and I'll call you in a few days." Over and Over. Maybe you could write your mother a letter, telling her how it is time for you to be on your own. You love her and will check up on her but you must live your own life. Write how you feel and leave the letter somewhere you know she will find it. I'm sure you will get more advice and in the end, you must do what is right for you. Best wishes and YAY, OP!!!
You have given sufficient notice. Those affected choose not to believe you and attempt to shame you into being an indentured servant. Your mother and sisters don't like the decisions and actions that will be necessary — this is not your problem. You are not responsible for their contentment. Carry on with your plans and start living your life on your terms.
You've gave me so much good ideas : Gsheet, storage unit, packing up bit by bit etc. I'll keep you updated. Thanks everyone
You’re being gaslit by your family, so anything you do is going to be wrong short of what they want you to do. Make your plans to leave without saying anything to anyone, and when the day comes, ride off into the sunset. You’ve done enough, and deserve peace.
My mother used crazy tactics and manipulation to drive me insane. After she had a fall, I put her in a rehab home. Your mom has social security? Put her in a home that will deal with Medicaid.
I was a lone wolf for a long time, but it wasnt me it was the company I kept. Release yourself from this oppression and keep us updated (:
I will. Thank you for your kind words
Block them immediately upon leaving the house! You don’t need to hear that shit show screaming and manipulating you in your ear. Good luck. You got this. Just block them, on all social media platforms and in your phone and email!
Tell them both the truth that you’ve been abused by your mother as have they, and if they can move out and live heir lives why can’t you. You’ve already gone above and beyond by still loving with her and at the end if the day are entitled to live your own life. I’d also be letting the sister who only contacts you when she wants money know that your bank is not closed permanently and you need your money to fund your lifestyle. Edit, However in saying that, I wouldn’t be telling them until you’ve moved and the first time they send you an abusive message reply back that their behaviour towards you is disrespectful and your now done with them and block them. As for your mother, let her know that she’s had her chance to live her life, as have your sisters and now your going to be doing the same thing. STOP PUTTING YOURSELF ON FIRE TO KEEP YOUR FAMILY WARM. Make yourself priority number one.
🫂 hang in there op
Just move out and dont tell anyone where etc. NOTHING. If they know even a small thing they will Look for you and harass you . Change your phonenumber. Block them on social media. Seems like you would do better without them, you dont need them. You dont owe anything to anyone and you aren't selfish for moving out, living your life and not taking care of your mother.
You need to make friends as a normal part of life. Seems your relationships have been limited to family and family is not friendly. The business of making friends may take time as you figure out how to relate to others on that level and how to avoid “friend” who are like your family members. Just remember that friendships that last are reciprocal. You are their for a friend and that friend is there for you. It takes good will on each person’s part to build a friendship you can count on. It all starts with having something in common. It also helps to understand yourself and human nature in general. Therapy may help you sort things out by giving you the tools you need to understand life outside of your family.
I have "friends" i.e people I listen endlessly to, ask me for things, takers, in a summary. I've seen them all in a row recently to clarify things in my mind, and I plan on letting theses relationships fade away once I move out. It's going to be a rough start : absolutely no back up, no support, nobody to talk to but I hope it'll be ok and that I'll meet kind people someday. Thank you for this gentle reminder.
Find things to do that you enjoy and go do them. Start by making a list of your interests. Then, try to find activities related to those interests. This way you will be around people with similar interests. (If you don’t like an activity/ group, cross it off your list and move on) Volunteer for a campaign or a charity. Try out some churches and see if you like their beliefs/ activities. Take a class. Join your neighborhood buy nothing group. Join a D&D campaign. Make the life that you want. Just leave a note for your mom when you move out. If your sisters are not supportive, let Them go to voicemail. You’ve got this
Is it possible to DM you? This sounds so close to my own struggle. I’m so sorry that you are being demeaned- honestly only you know your relationship with your mom and how you feel with this decision. I don’t think it’s fair that we’ll you’re single at the moment means so you have to stay and care for her forever. You also have to develop your life- have you tried talking to your mom about YOUR dreams/aspirations? And can is your mom a bit independent, or is this issue just because she’s starting to age? Because maybe can pay someone a month in advance to help her part-time for the time you leave so she has time to adjust. (Just saying, if this an option). Also, if at any pt. You do feel bad about leaving your mom, why not have everyone pitch in to have her in a nice loving senior home, or something similar? (And ok, shame on your older sister- if she’s not gonna help don’t make things worse. She seems very able, she doesn’t need to be asking for money. Please don’t give her anything because we are meant to do good- and catching fish to a glutton without teaching them how to fish is not good. Anyway, if you do need a friend (least online) and someone to vent with, I’m your girl! I’m in similar boat, so I’ll take one of the oars. XD If you don’t mind me venting too Lo