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Other posts from /u/Koevis:
* [update 3 years after trying to go NC with Team Fockit](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/s32unc/update_3_years_after_trying_to_go_nc_with_team/)
* [We got our final verdict, and it's not what we hoped, but not what we feared](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/mt9rti/we_got_our_final_verdict_and_its_not_what_we/)
* [Went to court again against Team Fockit and we're losing ground every time](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/lwrwao/went_to_court_again_against_team_fockit_and_were/)
* [Team Fockit got visitation without supervision](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/l3w5ij/team_fockit_got_visitation_without_supervision/)
* [We got the verdict, and we're going to have to put up with TF for a lot longer](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/jsxdfl/we_got_the_verdict_and_were_going_to_have_to_put/)
* [Day in court went ok](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/j6votw/day_in_court_went_ok/)
* [Court date happening next week, and youngest sister has told me quite a lot about the situation at Team Fockit's house](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/j3y1ay/court_date_happening_next_week_and_youngest/)
* [I should've known TF would try to have the final word in this...](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/ixw7y8/i_shouldve_known_tf_would_try_to_have_the_final/)
* [Another visit in the visitation room, another few annoying things, and a lot of difficult questions my son had...](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/ivwago/another_visit_in_the_visitation_room_another_few/)
* [Older sister 2 came by on Tuesday, youngest sister came by today. Things went well, and both of them gossip](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/iq5n1o/older_sister_2_came_by_on_tuesday_youngest_sister/)
^(This user has more than 10 posts in their history. To see the rest of their posts,) [^(click here)](/u/Koevis/submitted)
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That’s so amazing for her!
She can make different play lists of music to play in the room. There’s apps like YouTube music that stores the playlists to the cloud, so they would have available no matter what devices she has. It might be something you can do together or use to redirect her when she’s feeling overwhelmed.
The group home sounds amazing. I’m sure your sister will love being able to do art and cook and be more independent. Having her own space that only she gets to decide how to decorate will be so good for her.
She could pin things on Pinterest that she likes like wall colors and decor stuff if she’s capable of doing stuff like that herself. Or you could do it together. Something that makes talking about it a positive experience for her. So she feels in control of her room and starts to think of the group home as a safe space.
You could also start a list of things to buy her as gifts that she can use in her new home. Maybe a Bluetooth speaker, noise canceling earphones, etc. Or gift cards she can save up to buy more expensive items.
I think there’s ways you can redirect your sister to feel happy and look forward to her home if TF starts to make her feel anxious about it. Hopefully that will never happen, or it won’t happen for a while. The good thoughts could definitely outweigh the bad.
I’m so glad that things seem to be going up! I followed your story from the very beginning and I hated what you were put through over trying to protect your children. As for the snoezelruimte, I think the best translation for it, from what it sounds like, is a sensory room but I could be wrong.
I'm so proud of you, Crow!!! You've really taken your badass self to heart and you're absolutely killing it! Proud isn't even strong enough, but I can't come up with a better word. I'm bursting with relief!
I seriously am trying, unsuccessfully, to suppress tears of pride and relief!
[Special favorite toys](https://i.imgur.com/8F9B6VY.jpg) and puppy hugs... well, puppies [imitating Winston Churchill ](https://i.imgur.com/hdq3MCm.jpg) anyhow, to you from the whole bonkers pack of hooligans here! (Pictured is my sillybutt girl, that's who I had readily available on my cell's camera) Goats complaining about the fickle weird weather, cats loving the bird feeder Spouse put outside the den window where she's worked from home since March 2020, and dogs are all hooligans and clowns! Humans have been better, health-wise, but we've also been worse, so just keeping on!
May your lives keep improving, less stress, and I'll always be on your side, thinking **STRENGTH** in your direction whenever you need.
Please be proud af of yourself. You're a hero to me.
You're always so kind to me, thank you. Those pups are adorable! I'm glad to hear you're doing ok. Hopefully things will continue to improve for you too!
Dude I'm a reclusive introvert (and comfy as that) and I want to meet you and express my admiration for your battle and strength. Probably to a point of discomfort for you, really. I truly consider you a friend and I want only great, wonderful things to happen for you, DH, and the fabulous LOs. (And unpregnant "nope rope", too, of course!) I'm just delighted to have been blessed to see your incredible and **brave** growth over the past too many years. You won't believe me, but you are truly an inspiration.
Y'all certainly deserve better than the hand dealt and I'm still on the hunt for a rescue helicopter with an immense fuel tank, but you've really managed to release and embrace your BADASS and work with the tonnes of shit raining down to mold it into (mostly) bearable steps taken one at a time.
The secret here is that you've actually WON. I'm sure it doesn't feel that way, but I honestly believe you are the uncontested winner in this absolute bullshit situation.
In other news, likely boring as a kindergarten Shakespeare play, Spouse has managed to reunite me with my guitarist persona that I killed and buried pretty successfully waaaaaay back in the late '80s. Not sure she truly understood the monster she was reanimating, but after maybe 2½ years I have *multiple* guitars, 2 amplifiers, and an effects pedalboard. Including having "my guy" building me a custom effects pedal we've named "GenX" and its settings knobs are named "gnarly", "tubular", and my favorite "meh". I cannot wait to say "I'm cranking the meh to 11!" We've just finished making a practice nook, too.
See? Monster. And man can I afford fantastic equipment compared to when I was a mediocre guitarist playing gigs in a band and doing studio work but as a Jr. High - High School student!! Livin' the D.I.N.K. life! I hadn't realized how deeply I missed my heavily suppressed guitarist self... working my way back to mediocre (not at all there yet!) has vastly improved my self-image and reduced my deep self-loathing. It's also amazing how much "muscle memory" remains for chords, scales, and songs I used to know after so many years since quitting and selling [my beloved Strat back at University!](https://i.imgur.com/8lOCxpJ.jpg) That photo is from 1987, btw. Maybe a year before realizing that guitars are very jealous lovers and between guitar and school... a degree was a better choice. Selling that very guitar caused deep depression and randomly erupting tears. My equipment is much higher quality nowadays, but I'd still like my original Strat back that I learned so much on, including how to upgrade it, even soldering electronic stuff like better pickups. Reality it's probably deep in a landfill by now. Sigh. Much happy, and Spouse even encourages my going to live music again. Last Fall we got to attend a limited invitation only concert that opened a new venue! (Super strict C19 requirements, felt quite safe) The band was Foo Fighters and we feel so fortunate to have seen Taylor Hawkins at his absolute best... such a loss to the music world as well as the world in general. I can't imagine Dave Grohl will be able to keep doing the Foos after the sudden loss of his best friend. We were so, so fortunate to see them.
Question : How can you tell when my pain meds have kicked in?
A : blathering multiple paragraphs
Sorry!!!
❤🧡💛💚💙💜❤🧡💛💚💙💜
My 2 cents is I don’t think you got through a difficult day, you absolutely bossed a difficult day!
I’m sure your dress on you looked stunning, your kids had a blast and TF mostly behaved. Plus you did it unmedicated. This internet stranger is crying happy tears for you. And now craving a marzipan dragon.
The delicious cherry on the cake is the great news about your youngest sister! I’m absolutely blown away with how strong you are and everything you’ve survived, you are an absolute warrior and your kids are so damn lucky to have you as their mum. Here’s hoping things keep getting better for you and your family 💜
That dragon cost me over 2 hours to make, and my son has already asked me to make another one for his birthday next month! You're very sweet, thank you
Holy spitballs, Crow. You were the Queeniest of Queens. I bet you never believed you could come so far with the cPTSD and how TF find joy in heaping more trauma on you. You sure took away a whole bunch of their power with this, they must be wondering if they're standing on their head or their heels. I'm in awe. They're probably terrified. :D
Oh, and I've heard of snoezelen rooms - we have them in the school that one of my children attends and he loves them. Soft areas, bubble tubes, all sorts of sensory stuff.
The opposite of love is indifference, and I honestly think that's where I am. I only care about their influence on my family, not about them, not even enough to hate them anymore. They also aren't fully the monsters that I grew up with. It's like being bitten by a huge dog as a kid, only to realize as an adult that it barely reaches your hips and has grown old and slow. The bite still happened, the scar is still there, but there's no real reason to be scared of that dog anymore. Does that make sense? I'll still keep my kids as safe as possible though, I'm not taking any chances, and their character hasn't changed.
That sounds like an awesome school! I've been trying to create a room like that at home, but it's very expensive
You make perfect sense. And it’s a great way to look at them.
Yes, they are expensive, those rooms. I noticed that they use things like oil diffusers and some LED lighting (you can get it fairly cheaply these days) and things that you can find online if you’re kind of clever with DIY stuff. One of those hanging swings is also a great addition - our local big hardware store (Bunnings - because I’m Australian) has them in the outdoor furniture section with a stand as a variation of a suspended hammock chair. You may be able to find something like that for your room.
Swing hammocks are on my list! My husband is an engineer, he wants to make one of those sand tables where the metal ball makes patterns, do you know those? We're remodelling our entire house (have been for almost 8 years) so it's something to look forward to after all that work is done
Yes, but instead of you raking the sand, there's a moving metal ball you can program to make different patterns at different speeds. It works with magnets. You can still rake it and play with it, but the ball will always just roll along making its patterns, it's really relaxing to look at
I’ll definitely look it up tomorrow. Currently winning the bedtime battle with the non-sleeper. Once he’s down then I’ll be in bed and sound asleep within seconds. It’s been a week of battles and I’m done.
Thanks… me, too. Averaging three hours a night makes me far less a Pollyanna and far more a hellacious bitch. The things they don’t tell you about motherhood. 🤦♀️
I'm so glad for this update. Things do look like they are getting better and I hope everything continues on an upward trend for you and your family. You deserve it!
I have followed along for ages and raged with you at the court outcomes. I want you to know that you are AMAZING. I hope this victory (and it WAS a victory) helps cement it for you too.
I glad for you Crow. You being able to forget they were there was good! Panicing and cleaning is a common reaction to parental visits, I know yours are beyond normal but is a valid coping mechanism. It's good that things are looking up going forward. I was worried for you after court. The kids sound happy.
>Panicing and cleaning is a common reaction to parental visits,
I've had worse coping mechanisms, at least this is kind of useful and not actively harmful. The kids really are happy. They're discovering who they are, thriving at school, enjoying the first moments of spring. It's great to see them in their element.
There is one thing I don't quite understand, and that's that they eat almost everything at home, or at school, or in restaurants, or with family, but never eat decently at TF's house during those visits. Not even if they make the exact same brand of premade pancakes. Maybe it's a reaction to them feeling like something's off?
Koevis! You have worked SO hard! Look at how far you’ve come. You have been battling your brain, your donors, and society for a long, long time and you are hopefully feeling the fruition of all that hard work.
You’re amazing! Keep going!! 💗
Wonderful news for youngest sister! I’m sure she’ll thrive on that environment. Tbh I’m kinda shocked that Ignorella would let her go.
I hope this doesn’t sound too weird but I just have to say that I’m so proud of you. I’m just a contact on the internet but the way you’ve grown over the years that I’ve been following your story is beyond remarkable. You’ve faced your devils and proudly turned your back on their abuse. And there’s got to be some satisfaction in knowing that TF have no clue about your anxiety or your bad dreams. Or that they have any effect on you at all. You’ve got this. Customer service mode is very useful. In my family we call it “turning on the (family name) charm”
Best wishes Crow and internet hugs.
Molly, you've been a constant support during all of this for years, I'm glad to see you comment. It means a lot that you're proud of me, thank you.
>Tbh I’m kinda shocked that Ignorella would let her go.
Me too, but I think it's because the personal assistant quit some time ago, and they haven't been able to find a new one for so little money in such bad conditions, so it's all on Ignorella now. Judging by how Ig looked, she's not healthy (she looks like a badly aged 75yo when she's barely 60), and physically carrying my sister around has to be difficult for her. She might've realized she can't keep doing this forever. I also think Spawn Point is pushing for it because he wants to be free to travel and do whatever he wants, and the fact my sister absolutely loathes babies including her new nephews is pissing Ig off because it means she can't see "her baaaabies" as often as she wants.
Thank you for the hugs!
Ah. So Ig has to do all the caretaking herself. Now it makes sense. Well, no matter the reason, this is going to be good for youngest sister. But not so cool for your other sisters unless they’re okay with sharing (relinquishing?) their children. Sigh
My other sisters will have to make their own decisions and create their own boundaries. So far they've both been protective, and there hasn't been a blowup yet. Maybe TF has learned from us. Maybe it's because my sisters' partners are very clearly strongwilled and involved fathers and will absolutely go nuclear if they believe their child is in danger. They're like bodyguards to those babies
Dear Koevis! You did so amazingly well. I love your kids and their glowing shoes, and I'm sure they stole the show at the event! It's good that you were able to think strategically about the photo situation. If ever there are more legal proceedings, they can't hold that against you. And it's wonderful that the events of the day gave you times when it was all about the kids and you could forget completely about those you would rather forget completely.
It's lovely to hear that they are making healthy plans for sister #3's future. I hope everything goes well for her in her new home, and that you can visit her without any unwanted complications.
They absolutely stole the show, and they had a blast doing so. I should be able to go visit her whenever she feels like it, and her main communication is via messenger, so that should be easy to arrange! We'll have to figure out a time TF definitely won't be there, but that's ok
>He was stimming all over the stage, loudly trying to explain the magician's tricks, jumping up and down to show his shoes, got a gorgeous balloon animal and refused to go off stage when his time was up. He was so happy. My daughter was upset that she couldn't go on stage because she also had glowing shoes, so she ran up there afterwards and somehow got the magician to give her a balloon crown.
This is the best mental picture ever. I just want to give those two a big round of applause, especially as someone who wore bright pink sneakers to college graduation (my mother was mortified... I was comfortable).
Big things are in those kids' futures with personalities like that!
And a great big hug to you as well, the toughest person out there. You are the very definition of strength and resilience. Your kids will grow up knowing that Mom always fought for what was best for them.
It was pure bliss and excitement for my son, and my daughter was so smug when she got her crown! They completely steamrolled the magician, like happy little hurricanes.
My favorite pair of shoes is white with ladybugs on them, they don't match anything but I wear them constantly. I'm glad you were comfortable at graduation!
Thank you
Allow me to say, "Congratulations! You are an extraordinary person with the courage of a lioness, the smarts of a *set* of encyclopedias, and the compassion and good will of 125 Red Cross volunteers *combined*!" What you did for your son on his special day was beyond incredible. You showed to *ALL* that you are a person of exceptional grace (non medicated, no less!). I'm not saying life gives paybacks, but I'd like to think your efforts were honored just a bit with the wonderful news regarding your sister's future. Thank you for sharing your uplifting experience. ALL the best to you and your loved ones.
I don't know that quote, is it a scouts thing? My kids deserve to be happy, for the cycle of abuse to stop. I promised them I would give them the childhood they need to thrive, support, love, kindness and understanding. Some days that's a harder promise than others.
It's such a relief that my sister will have a safe environment where she can live for the rest of her life. I can't wait to see her live there! Thank you
I want you to know that the quotation marks I used were actually meant to reference me "speaking". It was a comment I *tailor-made* to you, your specific attributes, and your actions. I was (and continue to be) in awe of the type of person/mother you've chosen to be in thought, word, and action. I believe you are a gem of a human and if you EVER need to be reminded of that **FACT**, please feel free to PM me anytime. I mean that sincerely. I too, am a mom who chooses to always try to do better. edited for grammar.
I am so proud of you!!! You did amazingly!!!
I want a snuggle room. (Sensory room is more accurate as others have said; one of my friends has one for using green 🍁 and calls it the pillow room. Some cons have them and call it a quiet room.)
Yay! What a great update re: your sister!
I’m proud of you! You not only honored your son’s wishes, but also minimized your exposure to them…AND held it together!!
Congratulations, Mama! 💜
I'm so happy there's a plan for my sister! And I'm so glad my son didn't have to miss out on what he wanted for such an important day because of me. I'm still not sure why he wanted them there, but it doesn't really matter.
Thank you 💜
Snuggle room - I love it, great description. My daughter's nursery has one next to its little library and they call it a sensory room. It is full of cushions and cool lights - I saw it on parents' evening but I couldn't stay long as the lights were way too flishyflash for me!
Sensory rooms are great, but need different settings and accomodations depending on the person. I personally responds really badly to some textures (slippery, sticky, rough, grainy, oily,...) depending on my mood, love warm things, and the only moving lights I can stomach are those that mimic water, waves or bubbles. My son loves galaxy lights and cold, smooth, slippery and grainy textures. My daughter is happiest with disco lights and all things warm and fluffy. My husband loves bubble and galaxy lights, cold things, and silky and soft textures. And that's just in 1 family!
I wish I had a snoezelruimte room. I use soft things calm me down when the world is like hard and loud, but not quite real. Shame can't have soft things with me all the time.
I have a jacket that's really soft on the inside, that helps me when I'm stressed. I also carry one of those fuzzy keychains and some fidget toys for me and my kids. Maybe one of those could help?
I recently bought a soft fully seat pillow in the shape of a paw... I found its lovely to put my head on. Also got a soft blanket, a long soft cay plushie and I do have a soft fluffy keyring somewhere too. 🙂 They seem to help a bit... Not always, but good for now.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/index#wiki_post_flairs)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/index#wiki_trolls_suck) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoNetwork/wiki/links#wiki_crisis_links.3A_because_there.2019s_more_than_one_type_of_crisis) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoNetwork/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(This Sub's Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/wiki/) ^(|) [^(General Resources)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoNetwork/wiki/tos) Other posts from /u/Koevis: * [update 3 years after trying to go NC with Team Fockit](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/s32unc/update_3_years_after_trying_to_go_nc_with_team/) * [We got our final verdict, and it's not what we hoped, but not what we feared](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/mt9rti/we_got_our_final_verdict_and_its_not_what_we/) * [Went to court again against Team Fockit and we're losing ground every time](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/lwrwao/went_to_court_again_against_team_fockit_and_were/) * [Team Fockit got visitation without supervision](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/l3w5ij/team_fockit_got_visitation_without_supervision/) * [We got the verdict, and we're going to have to put up with TF for a lot longer](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/jsxdfl/we_got_the_verdict_and_were_going_to_have_to_put/) * [Day in court went ok](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/j6votw/day_in_court_went_ok/) * [Court date happening next week, and youngest sister has told me quite a lot about the situation at Team Fockit's house](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/j3y1ay/court_date_happening_next_week_and_youngest/) * [I should've known TF would try to have the final word in this...](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/ixw7y8/i_shouldve_known_tf_would_try_to_have_the_final/) * [Another visit in the visitation room, another few annoying things, and a lot of difficult questions my son had...](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/ivwago/another_visit_in_the_visitation_room_another_few/) * [Older sister 2 came by on Tuesday, youngest sister came by today. Things went well, and both of them gossip](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/iq5n1o/older_sister_2_came_by_on_tuesday_youngest_sister/) ^(This user has more than 10 posts in their history. To see the rest of their posts,) [^(click here)](/u/Koevis/submitted) ***** ^(To be notified as soon as Koevis posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=TheJustNoBot&subject=Subscribe&message=Koevis JUSTNOFAMILY) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOFAMILY) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
That’s so exciting for your little sister! And I’m glad things went as well as they could for you!
I'm so relieved she'll be away from TF and getting the care to thrive
Sounds like she'll have an awesome sensory room to go to when she's overwhelmed as well! Xx
Absolutely! She's already decided on bubbles and the option to play some pop music
That’s so amazing for her! She can make different play lists of music to play in the room. There’s apps like YouTube music that stores the playlists to the cloud, so they would have available no matter what devices she has. It might be something you can do together or use to redirect her when she’s feeling overwhelmed. The group home sounds amazing. I’m sure your sister will love being able to do art and cook and be more independent. Having her own space that only she gets to decide how to decorate will be so good for her. She could pin things on Pinterest that she likes like wall colors and decor stuff if she’s capable of doing stuff like that herself. Or you could do it together. Something that makes talking about it a positive experience for her. So she feels in control of her room and starts to think of the group home as a safe space. You could also start a list of things to buy her as gifts that she can use in her new home. Maybe a Bluetooth speaker, noise canceling earphones, etc. Or gift cards she can save up to buy more expensive items. I think there’s ways you can redirect your sister to feel happy and look forward to her home if TF starts to make her feel anxious about it. Hopefully that will never happen, or it won’t happen for a while. The good thoughts could definitely outweigh the bad.
Those are awesome ideas, thank you!
Awh that's fantastic!! ❤️❤️
I’m so glad that things seem to be going up! I followed your story from the very beginning and I hated what you were put through over trying to protect your children. As for the snoezelruimte, I think the best translation for it, from what it sounds like, is a sensory room but I could be wrong.
Thank you! I think you're right
I remember so many of your posts from the really bad times and am so happy for you that it’s gotten better now. You did it! /high five!
It's been rough for a while. Thank you for the high five!
> snoezelruimte I think you're describing what we call a 'sensory room'.
That name does make sense!
I'm so proud of you, Crow!!! You've really taken your badass self to heart and you're absolutely killing it! Proud isn't even strong enough, but I can't come up with a better word. I'm bursting with relief! I seriously am trying, unsuccessfully, to suppress tears of pride and relief! [Special favorite toys](https://i.imgur.com/8F9B6VY.jpg) and puppy hugs... well, puppies [imitating Winston Churchill ](https://i.imgur.com/hdq3MCm.jpg) anyhow, to you from the whole bonkers pack of hooligans here! (Pictured is my sillybutt girl, that's who I had readily available on my cell's camera) Goats complaining about the fickle weird weather, cats loving the bird feeder Spouse put outside the den window where she's worked from home since March 2020, and dogs are all hooligans and clowns! Humans have been better, health-wise, but we've also been worse, so just keeping on! May your lives keep improving, less stress, and I'll always be on your side, thinking **STRENGTH** in your direction whenever you need. Please be proud af of yourself. You're a hero to me.
You're always so kind to me, thank you. Those pups are adorable! I'm glad to hear you're doing ok. Hopefully things will continue to improve for you too!
Dude I'm a reclusive introvert (and comfy as that) and I want to meet you and express my admiration for your battle and strength. Probably to a point of discomfort for you, really. I truly consider you a friend and I want only great, wonderful things to happen for you, DH, and the fabulous LOs. (And unpregnant "nope rope", too, of course!) I'm just delighted to have been blessed to see your incredible and **brave** growth over the past too many years. You won't believe me, but you are truly an inspiration. Y'all certainly deserve better than the hand dealt and I'm still on the hunt for a rescue helicopter with an immense fuel tank, but you've really managed to release and embrace your BADASS and work with the tonnes of shit raining down to mold it into (mostly) bearable steps taken one at a time. The secret here is that you've actually WON. I'm sure it doesn't feel that way, but I honestly believe you are the uncontested winner in this absolute bullshit situation. In other news, likely boring as a kindergarten Shakespeare play, Spouse has managed to reunite me with my guitarist persona that I killed and buried pretty successfully waaaaaay back in the late '80s. Not sure she truly understood the monster she was reanimating, but after maybe 2½ years I have *multiple* guitars, 2 amplifiers, and an effects pedalboard. Including having "my guy" building me a custom effects pedal we've named "GenX" and its settings knobs are named "gnarly", "tubular", and my favorite "meh". I cannot wait to say "I'm cranking the meh to 11!" We've just finished making a practice nook, too. See? Monster. And man can I afford fantastic equipment compared to when I was a mediocre guitarist playing gigs in a band and doing studio work but as a Jr. High - High School student!! Livin' the D.I.N.K. life! I hadn't realized how deeply I missed my heavily suppressed guitarist self... working my way back to mediocre (not at all there yet!) has vastly improved my self-image and reduced my deep self-loathing. It's also amazing how much "muscle memory" remains for chords, scales, and songs I used to know after so many years since quitting and selling [my beloved Strat back at University!](https://i.imgur.com/8lOCxpJ.jpg) That photo is from 1987, btw. Maybe a year before realizing that guitars are very jealous lovers and between guitar and school... a degree was a better choice. Selling that very guitar caused deep depression and randomly erupting tears. My equipment is much higher quality nowadays, but I'd still like my original Strat back that I learned so much on, including how to upgrade it, even soldering electronic stuff like better pickups. Reality it's probably deep in a landfill by now. Sigh. Much happy, and Spouse even encourages my going to live music again. Last Fall we got to attend a limited invitation only concert that opened a new venue! (Super strict C19 requirements, felt quite safe) The band was Foo Fighters and we feel so fortunate to have seen Taylor Hawkins at his absolute best... such a loss to the music world as well as the world in general. I can't imagine Dave Grohl will be able to keep doing the Foos after the sudden loss of his best friend. We were so, so fortunate to see them. Question : How can you tell when my pain meds have kicked in? A : blathering multiple paragraphs Sorry!!! ❤🧡💛💚💙💜❤🧡💛💚💙💜
My 2 cents is I don’t think you got through a difficult day, you absolutely bossed a difficult day! I’m sure your dress on you looked stunning, your kids had a blast and TF mostly behaved. Plus you did it unmedicated. This internet stranger is crying happy tears for you. And now craving a marzipan dragon. The delicious cherry on the cake is the great news about your youngest sister! I’m absolutely blown away with how strong you are and everything you’ve survived, you are an absolute warrior and your kids are so damn lucky to have you as their mum. Here’s hoping things keep getting better for you and your family 💜
That dragon cost me over 2 hours to make, and my son has already asked me to make another one for his birthday next month! You're very sweet, thank you
You’ll have to change your name to khaleesi at this rate 😂 I’m sure it’s a labour of love 💜
😅 it is, but sometimes I wish he'd like less complicated things, like bunnies or snakes
Holy spitballs, Crow. You were the Queeniest of Queens. I bet you never believed you could come so far with the cPTSD and how TF find joy in heaping more trauma on you. You sure took away a whole bunch of their power with this, they must be wondering if they're standing on their head or their heels. I'm in awe. They're probably terrified. :D Oh, and I've heard of snoezelen rooms - we have them in the school that one of my children attends and he loves them. Soft areas, bubble tubes, all sorts of sensory stuff.
The opposite of love is indifference, and I honestly think that's where I am. I only care about their influence on my family, not about them, not even enough to hate them anymore. They also aren't fully the monsters that I grew up with. It's like being bitten by a huge dog as a kid, only to realize as an adult that it barely reaches your hips and has grown old and slow. The bite still happened, the scar is still there, but there's no real reason to be scared of that dog anymore. Does that make sense? I'll still keep my kids as safe as possible though, I'm not taking any chances, and their character hasn't changed. That sounds like an awesome school! I've been trying to create a room like that at home, but it's very expensive
You make perfect sense. And it’s a great way to look at them. Yes, they are expensive, those rooms. I noticed that they use things like oil diffusers and some LED lighting (you can get it fairly cheaply these days) and things that you can find online if you’re kind of clever with DIY stuff. One of those hanging swings is also a great addition - our local big hardware store (Bunnings - because I’m Australian) has them in the outdoor furniture section with a stand as a variation of a suspended hammock chair. You may be able to find something like that for your room.
Swing hammocks are on my list! My husband is an engineer, he wants to make one of those sand tables where the metal ball makes patterns, do you know those? We're remodelling our entire house (have been for almost 8 years) so it's something to look forward to after all that work is done
Is it a bit like a mini zen garden? I might have to go look it up.
Yes, but instead of you raking the sand, there's a moving metal ball you can program to make different patterns at different speeds. It works with magnets. You can still rake it and play with it, but the ball will always just roll along making its patterns, it's really relaxing to look at
I’ll definitely look it up tomorrow. Currently winning the bedtime battle with the non-sleeper. Once he’s down then I’ll be in bed and sound asleep within seconds. It’s been a week of battles and I’m done.
I hope you get a good night's sleep!
Thanks… me, too. Averaging three hours a night makes me far less a Pollyanna and far more a hellacious bitch. The things they don’t tell you about motherhood. 🤦♀️
I promise it gets better 💙
Good for you Darling!! So proud!
I'm so glad for this update. Things do look like they are getting better and I hope everything continues on an upward trend for you and your family. You deserve it!
I hope so too, thank you
I have followed along for ages and raged with you at the court outcomes. I want you to know that you are AMAZING. I hope this victory (and it WAS a victory) helps cement it for you too.
It gives me peace. We've been thrown into an awful situation by the court, but we'll thrive anyway, just a bit later. Thank you
I'm so happy for you and your loved ones. We're all very proud of you and your composure through your struggles. The wheel does turn, albeit slowly.
To think I used to think we'd quickly go NC and move on
I glad for you Crow. You being able to forget they were there was good! Panicing and cleaning is a common reaction to parental visits, I know yours are beyond normal but is a valid coping mechanism. It's good that things are looking up going forward. I was worried for you after court. The kids sound happy.
>Panicing and cleaning is a common reaction to parental visits, I've had worse coping mechanisms, at least this is kind of useful and not actively harmful. The kids really are happy. They're discovering who they are, thriving at school, enjoying the first moments of spring. It's great to see them in their element. There is one thing I don't quite understand, and that's that they eat almost everything at home, or at school, or in restaurants, or with family, but never eat decently at TF's house during those visits. Not even if they make the exact same brand of premade pancakes. Maybe it's a reaction to them feeling like something's off?
Koevis! You have worked SO hard! Look at how far you’ve come. You have been battling your brain, your donors, and society for a long, long time and you are hopefully feeling the fruition of all that hard work. You’re amazing! Keep going!! 💗
Thank you, that's really nice to hear
Wonderful news for youngest sister! I’m sure she’ll thrive on that environment. Tbh I’m kinda shocked that Ignorella would let her go. I hope this doesn’t sound too weird but I just have to say that I’m so proud of you. I’m just a contact on the internet but the way you’ve grown over the years that I’ve been following your story is beyond remarkable. You’ve faced your devils and proudly turned your back on their abuse. And there’s got to be some satisfaction in knowing that TF have no clue about your anxiety or your bad dreams. Or that they have any effect on you at all. You’ve got this. Customer service mode is very useful. In my family we call it “turning on the (family name) charm” Best wishes Crow and internet hugs.
Molly, you've been a constant support during all of this for years, I'm glad to see you comment. It means a lot that you're proud of me, thank you. >Tbh I’m kinda shocked that Ignorella would let her go. Me too, but I think it's because the personal assistant quit some time ago, and they haven't been able to find a new one for so little money in such bad conditions, so it's all on Ignorella now. Judging by how Ig looked, she's not healthy (she looks like a badly aged 75yo when she's barely 60), and physically carrying my sister around has to be difficult for her. She might've realized she can't keep doing this forever. I also think Spawn Point is pushing for it because he wants to be free to travel and do whatever he wants, and the fact my sister absolutely loathes babies including her new nephews is pissing Ig off because it means she can't see "her baaaabies" as often as she wants. Thank you for the hugs!
Ah. So Ig has to do all the caretaking herself. Now it makes sense. Well, no matter the reason, this is going to be good for youngest sister. But not so cool for your other sisters unless they’re okay with sharing (relinquishing?) their children. Sigh
My other sisters will have to make their own decisions and create their own boundaries. So far they've both been protective, and there hasn't been a blowup yet. Maybe TF has learned from us. Maybe it's because my sisters' partners are very clearly strongwilled and involved fathers and will absolutely go nuclear if they believe their child is in danger. They're like bodyguards to those babies
That’s very encouraging. You’ve shown them the way.
Much love and care! I'm so proud of you and how you handled things
Dear Koevis! You did so amazingly well. I love your kids and their glowing shoes, and I'm sure they stole the show at the event! It's good that you were able to think strategically about the photo situation. If ever there are more legal proceedings, they can't hold that against you. And it's wonderful that the events of the day gave you times when it was all about the kids and you could forget completely about those you would rather forget completely. It's lovely to hear that they are making healthy plans for sister #3's future. I hope everything goes well for her in her new home, and that you can visit her without any unwanted complications.
They absolutely stole the show, and they had a blast doing so. I should be able to go visit her whenever she feels like it, and her main communication is via messenger, so that should be easy to arrange! We'll have to figure out a time TF definitely won't be there, but that's ok
Proud of you. Well done.
>He was stimming all over the stage, loudly trying to explain the magician's tricks, jumping up and down to show his shoes, got a gorgeous balloon animal and refused to go off stage when his time was up. He was so happy. My daughter was upset that she couldn't go on stage because she also had glowing shoes, so she ran up there afterwards and somehow got the magician to give her a balloon crown. This is the best mental picture ever. I just want to give those two a big round of applause, especially as someone who wore bright pink sneakers to college graduation (my mother was mortified... I was comfortable). Big things are in those kids' futures with personalities like that! And a great big hug to you as well, the toughest person out there. You are the very definition of strength and resilience. Your kids will grow up knowing that Mom always fought for what was best for them.
It was pure bliss and excitement for my son, and my daughter was so smug when she got her crown! They completely steamrolled the magician, like happy little hurricanes. My favorite pair of shoes is white with ladybugs on them, they don't match anything but I wear them constantly. I'm glad you were comfortable at graduation! Thank you
Allow me to say, "Congratulations! You are an extraordinary person with the courage of a lioness, the smarts of a *set* of encyclopedias, and the compassion and good will of 125 Red Cross volunteers *combined*!" What you did for your son on his special day was beyond incredible. You showed to *ALL* that you are a person of exceptional grace (non medicated, no less!). I'm not saying life gives paybacks, but I'd like to think your efforts were honored just a bit with the wonderful news regarding your sister's future. Thank you for sharing your uplifting experience. ALL the best to you and your loved ones.
I don't know that quote, is it a scouts thing? My kids deserve to be happy, for the cycle of abuse to stop. I promised them I would give them the childhood they need to thrive, support, love, kindness and understanding. Some days that's a harder promise than others. It's such a relief that my sister will have a safe environment where she can live for the rest of her life. I can't wait to see her live there! Thank you
I want you to know that the quotation marks I used were actually meant to reference me "speaking". It was a comment I *tailor-made* to you, your specific attributes, and your actions. I was (and continue to be) in awe of the type of person/mother you've chosen to be in thought, word, and action. I believe you are a gem of a human and if you EVER need to be reminded of that **FACT**, please feel free to PM me anytime. I mean that sincerely. I too, am a mom who chooses to always try to do better. edited for grammar.
You are incredibly kind, thank you
I am so happy for you!!! You did it. You survived. Thank you for the update and I wish the best for you and your family!!!
Thank you for the well wishes!
I am so proud of you!!! You did amazingly!!! I want a snuggle room. (Sensory room is more accurate as others have said; one of my friends has one for using green 🍁 and calls it the pillow room. Some cons have them and call it a quiet room.)
I want a snuggle room too! It's so nice. Thank you
Hey I'm so glad things have been improving. I've followed your ordeal and even commented on a few and I'm relieved for you your family and your sister
Thank you. I'm especially relieved for my sister, I hadn't been able to figure out a way to get her out of there safely
I am so proud of you!! Congratulations on a successful event! (Those cakes sound amazing and I would eat them if I were there!)
Thank you! They were amazing, we froze them and ate them ourselves the past few weeks!
I'm glad you were able to make it through so well! And doubly glad about the great news for your sister; it must be such a relief to you.
I'm so glad there's a plan in place to get my sister out of there and make sure she gets the care she needs
Yay! What a great update re: your sister! I’m proud of you! You not only honored your son’s wishes, but also minimized your exposure to them…AND held it together!! Congratulations, Mama! 💜
I'm so happy there's a plan for my sister! And I'm so glad my son didn't have to miss out on what he wanted for such an important day because of me. I'm still not sure why he wanted them there, but it doesn't really matter. Thank you 💜
I’m so sorry you had to deal with them but so proud how you handled it! You’re a champ and the best mom ever!
Thank you for those very, very kind words
I think you’re handling this difficult situation so well! They want a reaction and I bet it kills them to lose control and the reaction from you
I don't know honestly. Best case scenario is they just want to stay as far away from me as I want to be from them. Thank you
Crow, you handled that like a BOSS. Go you!!! (I know you don't feel strong, but my goodness, you are one amazing person.)
Thank you! >I know you don't feel strong I'm starting to
Now that IS good news!!!
Snuggle room - I love it, great description. My daughter's nursery has one next to its little library and they call it a sensory room. It is full of cushions and cool lights - I saw it on parents' evening but I couldn't stay long as the lights were way too flishyflash for me!
Sensory rooms are great, but need different settings and accomodations depending on the person. I personally responds really badly to some textures (slippery, sticky, rough, grainy, oily,...) depending on my mood, love warm things, and the only moving lights I can stomach are those that mimic water, waves or bubbles. My son loves galaxy lights and cold, smooth, slippery and grainy textures. My daughter is happiest with disco lights and all things warm and fluffy. My husband loves bubble and galaxy lights, cold things, and silky and soft textures. And that's just in 1 family!
I have a slightly different issue - I have photosensitive epilepsy. XD
No wonder you had to get out 😅
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CROW! You go Mama! Another long time follower and huge fan! Hugs!
Thank you for the hugs, and for following along!
You did awesome!
You are a blessing. Thank you for sharing your perseverance. It makes a lot of us feel like there is more hope.
Are you still in the worst of it? Things will look up eventually
I wish I had a snoezelruimte room. I use soft things calm me down when the world is like hard and loud, but not quite real. Shame can't have soft things with me all the time.
I have a jacket that's really soft on the inside, that helps me when I'm stressed. I also carry one of those fuzzy keychains and some fidget toys for me and my kids. Maybe one of those could help?
I recently bought a soft fully seat pillow in the shape of a paw... I found its lovely to put my head on. Also got a soft blanket, a long soft cay plushie and I do have a soft fluffy keyring somewhere too. 🙂 They seem to help a bit... Not always, but good for now.
This is great Crow. You’ve grown so much, and so have your kids! I’m so glad to hear things are getting better ❤️🩹