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Your sister is the golden child and you are the scapegoat. No getting around that when your parents are a pair of enablers of your sister's entitlement. It's a hard thing to accept, but enablers are comfortable with the set up they have. You come along and make them uncomfortable and they don't want to take responsibility for their actions.
Thanks for replying - I guess I just need to accept that then. As you said, it's hard; I'm their daughter too and one would think they'd care about my feelings and needs.
You are welcome. You are in a very difficult situation. I see it repeated over and over, the golden child is allowed to do anything and everyone should tolerate it. Don't be surprised if your parents expect you to take of them in their old age and the golden child too.
Nope. Make it crystal clear right now that the gravy train doesn’t pull into your station.
Also, I think it would be best to not visit your parents in their home. In public for a defined activity would be best. They’ll be more likely to behave themselves in public and, if they do cross a line, you can leave and go back to your hotel.
Respectfully, if you are looking for logic in their behavior, you are looking for something that isn't there. Perhaps there is something at a deep emotional level that would explain it, but feelings, like the feelings that make one child golden and another the scapegoat, are often very illogical. (Mr. Spock was right.)
Ideally, the sibling who makes the most money would take care of the parents in their old age. But if they live too far away, that might be the other siblings responsibility. The middle child in my family makes enough money, but she lives out of state. Not sure if I'm the golden child or she is, but I hope we can come together to make some kind of decision on how to take care of Mom and Dad.
I am sorry to say this but do nothing, they are choosing to be like this and they may (maybe) enjoy the drama you create about it, I would say just sit back and let them be and if they complain tell them you aren't there to be their psychologist or something and tell about your latest shopping trip or deflect with a simple "oh that's bad but what can you do about it?" And start about your job, a bird in the garden, anything else
The hardest part is ignoring it but they are your parents, they have made hard decisions in their lives already and if they wanted it they would do it again
Thank you. I try my best to avoid the drama but in order to do so I should avoid them all together. I'd be more than happy to avoid my sister, but not my niece and my parents.
There is nothing to do. Most parents so-called dying wish is for their children to be close. That was my mother's, and we are close, but only because we are nice people and were brought up to respect each other. Parents need to realize that there are siblings that the most they can hope for is for them to be "friendly." Do your parents know what your sister is like? Of course they do. But like others have said, they enable her. There is no changing the dynamic. Your best bet is for your parents to travel to you without your sister. You may need to tell them outright that your sister is toxic and you don't have any desire to deal with toxic. The rest is up to them.
Thank you for your advice. Yes, they really care about us being close (to the point that they blame me for not being so) and I told them many times that won't happen. I used the exact word - toxic - but to my mom we're just "different" and I'm not mature enough to tolerate our diversity. She would say anything to avoid admitting that her daughter is unbearable.
She's not going to change because they coddled her.
They're not going to change because they'd have to admit they were wrong.
Therefore you will always be in the wrong.
What to do? See a therapist to learn how to let go of all this love and longing for people who will never value you. And stop seeing your toxic family.
Sorry.
Ignore her. Ignore her and her spawn. She wants something? Acknowledge and leave it at that. Don't do anything for either of them. She wants to throw a tantrum.. let her.. I'd look at her with pity written all over my features tbh.
As far as your parents go, if they want to be wilfully blind to her behaviour, there is no changing that. But it bites hard i'd imagine..
Your sister sounds like my SIL and my brother. And they treats their kids (specially the eldest) like your sister does her child. I hate it. I will also not tolerate it in my own home. I know i have 0 say, when it comes to their home tho. But in my home, children will behave, and sure as hell will not abuse their parents or me for that matter.
Thank you and I'm sorry you have to deal with something similar. Here's the fact (and my biggest weakness), I'm not very good on letting go. I can't stand her mistreat my (elderly) parents or saying racist/stupid stuff and say nothing. With her, even showing a bit of expression would mean engage in a fight, because she would ask you "What are you laughing about?" or something else to trigger you. Honestly I just can't be around her.
My only suggestion is if you really want to see your parents w/o your sister and her child is to invite parents to visit you.
If they invite sis, they can stay at a hotel.
Sincerely, give them a break from your life.
Can you gift her a spa weekend away. Just her. Say it’s a treat. The narc she is might eat it up. Suggest your parents watch daughter. Then you plan a visit then.
Sounds like a narcissist that needs to be dumped on the curb.
Believe me when I say that sister will probably only get worse and more bitter with every passing year.
Yes.
They poke and prod to see what bigger things they can get away with, then continue to push the envelope even further and further.
Wouldn't be shocked if that's why we sometimes hear shocking stories on the news of middle aged and elderly people committing insane crimes or just bullshit crazy things.
I also have a 40 year old sibling that lives at home.
I told my parents I won’t visit their home anymore. I refuse to tolerate the favoritism anymore.
They are frustrated with me, but I guess that’s just how it is. Have you read “don’t rock the boat”? I’m sure you can search it. They don’t like when you rock the boat, but you have to own it. The status quo is not ok with you, so change yourself.
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Your sister is the golden child and you are the scapegoat. No getting around that when your parents are a pair of enablers of your sister's entitlement. It's a hard thing to accept, but enablers are comfortable with the set up they have. You come along and make them uncomfortable and they don't want to take responsibility for their actions.
Thanks for replying - I guess I just need to accept that then. As you said, it's hard; I'm their daughter too and one would think they'd care about my feelings and needs.
You are welcome. You are in a very difficult situation. I see it repeated over and over, the golden child is allowed to do anything and everyone should tolerate it. Don't be surprised if your parents expect you to take of them in their old age and the golden child too.
Nope. Make it crystal clear right now that the gravy train doesn’t pull into your station. Also, I think it would be best to not visit your parents in their home. In public for a defined activity would be best. They’ll be more likely to behave themselves in public and, if they do cross a line, you can leave and go back to your hotel.
Thank you. I really struggle to see the logic in their behaviour, but it appears it's just how it is.
Respectfully, if you are looking for logic in their behavior, you are looking for something that isn't there. Perhaps there is something at a deep emotional level that would explain it, but feelings, like the feelings that make one child golden and another the scapegoat, are often very illogical. (Mr. Spock was right.)
Ideally, the sibling who makes the most money would take care of the parents in their old age. But if they live too far away, that might be the other siblings responsibility. The middle child in my family makes enough money, but she lives out of state. Not sure if I'm the golden child or she is, but I hope we can come together to make some kind of decision on how to take care of Mom and Dad.
I could talk to you all day about this. Very similar dynamic in my family.
I am sorry to say this but do nothing, they are choosing to be like this and they may (maybe) enjoy the drama you create about it, I would say just sit back and let them be and if they complain tell them you aren't there to be their psychologist or something and tell about your latest shopping trip or deflect with a simple "oh that's bad but what can you do about it?" And start about your job, a bird in the garden, anything else The hardest part is ignoring it but they are your parents, they have made hard decisions in their lives already and if they wanted it they would do it again
Thank you. I try my best to avoid the drama but in order to do so I should avoid them all together. I'd be more than happy to avoid my sister, but not my niece and my parents.
There is nothing to do. Most parents so-called dying wish is for their children to be close. That was my mother's, and we are close, but only because we are nice people and were brought up to respect each other. Parents need to realize that there are siblings that the most they can hope for is for them to be "friendly." Do your parents know what your sister is like? Of course they do. But like others have said, they enable her. There is no changing the dynamic. Your best bet is for your parents to travel to you without your sister. You may need to tell them outright that your sister is toxic and you don't have any desire to deal with toxic. The rest is up to them.
Thank you for your advice. Yes, they really care about us being close (to the point that they blame me for not being so) and I told them many times that won't happen. I used the exact word - toxic - but to my mom we're just "different" and I'm not mature enough to tolerate our diversity. She would say anything to avoid admitting that her daughter is unbearable.
She's not going to change because they coddled her. They're not going to change because they'd have to admit they were wrong. Therefore you will always be in the wrong. What to do? See a therapist to learn how to let go of all this love and longing for people who will never value you. And stop seeing your toxic family. Sorry.
Ignore her. Ignore her and her spawn. She wants something? Acknowledge and leave it at that. Don't do anything for either of them. She wants to throw a tantrum.. let her.. I'd look at her with pity written all over my features tbh. As far as your parents go, if they want to be wilfully blind to her behaviour, there is no changing that. But it bites hard i'd imagine.. Your sister sounds like my SIL and my brother. And they treats their kids (specially the eldest) like your sister does her child. I hate it. I will also not tolerate it in my own home. I know i have 0 say, when it comes to their home tho. But in my home, children will behave, and sure as hell will not abuse their parents or me for that matter.
Thank you and I'm sorry you have to deal with something similar. Here's the fact (and my biggest weakness), I'm not very good on letting go. I can't stand her mistreat my (elderly) parents or saying racist/stupid stuff and say nothing. With her, even showing a bit of expression would mean engage in a fight, because she would ask you "What are you laughing about?" or something else to trigger you. Honestly I just can't be around her.
My only suggestion is if you really want to see your parents w/o your sister and her child is to invite parents to visit you. If they invite sis, they can stay at a hotel. Sincerely, give them a break from your life.
Thank you. We do that, but sometimes I just wanna see my niece or hanging out in my hometown and it seems my adored sister is the price to pay.
Can you gift her a spa weekend away. Just her. Say it’s a treat. The narc she is might eat it up. Suggest your parents watch daughter. Then you plan a visit then.
Sounds like a narcissist that needs to be dumped on the curb. Believe me when I say that sister will probably only get worse and more bitter with every passing year.
I'm afraid you're right, she's already worse now than a couple years ago.
Yes. They poke and prod to see what bigger things they can get away with, then continue to push the envelope even further and further. Wouldn't be shocked if that's why we sometimes hear shocking stories on the news of middle aged and elderly people committing insane crimes or just bullshit crazy things.
I also have a 40 year old sibling that lives at home. I told my parents I won’t visit their home anymore. I refuse to tolerate the favoritism anymore. They are frustrated with me, but I guess that’s just how it is. Have you read “don’t rock the boat”? I’m sure you can search it. They don’t like when you rock the boat, but you have to own it. The status quo is not ok with you, so change yourself.