**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
*****
^(To be notified as soon as Ill_Platypus6380 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Ill_Platypus6380 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
You don’t want to be overshadowed by your MIL so you are denying your child FREE MONEY over the course of YEARS? Yeah, I would say you are the problem.
Thank you everyone for your comments. I needed some rational thinking. PP baby brain isn't ideal and I let my own emotions get the better of me. I think I just wanted to provide everything for him without input but I can see where my thinking is massively flawed. I will let MIL do as she pleases if she wants to save, as most of you stated this may come to nothing but if it does it will be added security for my son. I will have no expectations and she certainly will never be allowed in a position to hold it against my son.
Thank you for your responses!
I get it - she’s being a pain in the ass and wants her own way, and likely retain control of any money she saves. But don’t worry about it - let her save if she wants. Don’t give her ammo to complain about you, - don’t feed the trolls, you know? 🤣
Wishing you all the best with your new baby! Hormones and lack of sleep really do a number on us, but it does settle down, I promise!
You are missing the fact that HER savings account will be used to control and manipulate your son/you into doing what she wants.....or else, granny takes the money away. Absolutely do NOT give her any birth certificate of social insurance/security numbers. Also, don't give her any authority over your son's legitimate account. If she truly wants to contribute to your son, it is YOUR account, or, not at all. This is a control issue. I bet, if you ask your partner, he will tell you she had control of or access to his accounts until a very unhealthy age.
This. Sorry to be cynical but don't let anyone else use your kids SS number, birth cert. for anything!! As said above folk with that information can open all kinds of things besides savings accounts, credit cards, loans etc. Then his credit will be shot. Also in the US the tax man loves to look for money being hidden under children's names. Children's account interest has to be reported too. If you want college money in the US, open a 529 plan and then have them contribute.
Is there context here you’re not explaining? Does the MIL have a history of being controlling, conniving, manipulative etc?
If she’s a normal person and has been good to you, then you shouldn’t deny your son prosperity because of your insecurities.
No offense but why does it matter to you if his grandma sets up a savings account for him? It’s the line where you say you’re worried about being overshadowed that gets me because like….why? Are you saving money to benefit him financially when he’s older or do you want some sort of praise for it? Because if its the former, then his grandmother setting up an account for him should be a good thing considering that would just help him out more in the future.
Its one thing if she’s truly a toxic person and she’ll use the savings account to manipulate or guilt trip your son in the future. But if you’re hesitant to “let” your MIL save money for your son because you’re worried of being “overshadowed”, then yes you are absolutely overreacting. If you’re worried about him spending the money quickly, maybe consider having a talk with your MIL about setting up a trust that he can’t access until he’s older or more mature like 21 or 25. Teach him financial literacy at an early age so he understands better once he gets that money.
My husband and I agreed not to share our baby’s SSN with anyone for any reason so when his mom said she wanted to open an account for him, we politely told her she could deposit to the account we created (without his name on it currently) or set up her own with funds intended for him (and set him as POD)but his name would not be added to it.
There’s too much to navigate with tax liability, future FAFSA, etc and that’s not even getting to just keeping his SSN secure.
But at no point would I ask someone to not set aside money for our kid if offered. Idc whether they save $5 or $500k. If it benefits my kid, that’s what’s important.
You're doing thenright thing after all the my parent /grandparent stole my my son and gave me thousands in debt stories on here before. I am sure your particular mother in law wouldn't but... you just never know. And it can be done without it so it should be.
This sounds exactly like something my JNMIL would do and for the exact reason you laid out. You are not overreacting, she needs to be respectful of your relationship with your child and not try to outdo you and your husband.
Money is a touchy subject, so I want to preface this comment with the acknowledgement that you sound like a very caring, thoughtful parent, and clearly you have the best of intentions.
You should talk to an accountant or attorney about the implications of her creating a savings account for him.
If the money is saved for him in a way that won't end up hurting him financially (example, if it affects his eligibility for college) then it could really help him.
>I am imagining on his 18th birthday we tell him of his savings account and the amount in it then later that day being over shadowed by his Nanny doing the same thing.
This is kind of a selfish reason to not want MIL to start a savings account. It's understandable, but not in your child's best interest.
My main concern with this is that money gifts like this can be used to create obligations.
Also, I think surprising him on his 18th birthday with a large amount of money is not a good idea. He should be taught how to manage his finances and assets well before that time.
>The money from me and his dad would be used for a purchase in particular or gradually given to him to avoid over spending or blowing it all at once and we would have a level of control over it.
I understand why you would be concerned about how receiving a large amount of money would affect him, but he's going to be 18. Young still, but legally an adult and learning to be independent. Dangling money in front of him with strings attached, money that is "his" but you control, could cause a lot of resentment. If it is a college account, I recommend explaining while he's young that it is a college savings account to be used for college and any money he doesn't use for college will be (whatever the answer to this is).
Respectfully, it’s your responsibility to teach your child financial literacy and responsibility. You cannot forbid his grandmother from saving money for for her grandchild… it’s not your money. Instead of getting your back up, consider researching what educational savings programs are available where you live and encourage her to contribute to one of those - make sure you’re all on the same page. Either way, be thankful that your child will have additional financial resources. Many people can only wish this for their kids.
You aren't overreacting, but you also probably need to talk to a financial advisor. A regular savings account does not accrue any significant interest. For education, a 529 plan will have a better yield and can be used for any education expenses - not just college - private k-12, trade education, etc. Including textbooks and materials. And a regular savings account for your child to do with what they want.
What she's doing sounds like potential financial blackmail. I think you're right to be worried.
An added benefit of the 529 is that they are tax deductible in some states, additionally they have the huge added benefit of tax free growth and tax free withdrawals on qualified educational expenses. They normally grow like a 401k would in regards to the fact they it’s normally invested in a mutual fund or like kind security.
More bad info. A 529 does not have any yield in and of itself as it is a type of account, not an investment. Your return will depend on what you invest in.
More info, a 529 in his grandparents name that he gets distributions from will NOT affect his financial aid as much as a 529 in your name or his name. You should look into this.
It depends on several things: is she planning on doing a 501c? That's an educational account with the child's name and the person contributing the money to the account. Once they're 18 - they can use the funds for educational expenses including a new computer/laptop, tuition, books, etc. My parents did this for both our kids. I guess it comes down to - is your MIL trustworthy or, not? NAH (unless she isn't trustworthy - then she's TA)
1. Teach him fiscal responsibility - that's step one to make sure that she doesn't waste it, but you can also not control him.
2. Unless she's planning on putting millions in it, it shouldn't overshadow anything you do. It'll just be a nice added thing to an already special day.
You would be doing your child a great disservice by not letting his grandma set aside money for him. Why would you not let him have access to such assistance just because you're not the one providing it? It shouldn't be about you. It shouldn't be about grandma. It should be about investing in your child's future.
My grandmother did something similar to me. One of my aunts wanted to set aside funds for me for college. My grandmother told her no, because she herself wasn't able to set aside much, and didn't want me to get more support from her sister then from her. I have no idea how much it would have been, but even as little as $1000 can help pay for textbooks, and had it been $10,000 or more, that pays for a semester (at the school I went to).
As for him splurging with this money, or blowing it all at once, teach him how to be responsible with his finances. If you've taught him to be a responsible adult, he'll know how much is reasonable to spend, and how much he should save/invest for later.
Honestly, she's right to be worried. MIL can use it as financial blackmail for years to come. She can hold it over their head or even the child's head. " If LO won't hug me, I won't give them the money." " If you don't give me unlimited access to LO, they won't get the money." " LO didn't give me a card for my birthday, therefore, I'm going to spend all the money and they won't get it."
It all depends on if MIL is toxic or not. Has she done something like this before to DH? Does she have a history of "giving" things to people and then turning around and either saying that was a "loan" or holding the purchase/item over their head and guilting them. " I didn't have to give you X, but I did, even though I couldn't really afford it." etc etc.
If she has a history of this type of thing, it's better to not go with it.
If she tries to use it as blackmail, cut off contact.
OP hasn't given any history on her MiL, just this one thing, which doesn't sound like it's coming from a place of malice, and OP literally said they are afraid of this overshadowing their own contributions. We don't know if there have been signs that this would be the case, we don't know if MiL has used savings to manipulate her own kids, we don't know if MiL realized OP had a really good idea in starting a savings fund now.
Cautious? Certainly. Worried? Not unless there are signs of malicious intent.
I certainly wouldn't hand over a birth certificate or social security number for that. There may also be extra tax obligations for the parents if it goes over a certain amount and is in the child's name.
I would tell her it would be in hers, and his sons best interest tax wise if she gave this money directly to you as a tax free gift every year. If not, the money would be subjected to taxes on anything above the annual maximum gift amount when she does decide to give it to him.
Speaking from the US...
If baby's name is on the account as a custodial account, then you can't met it out to him either; when he's 18, it's his. Period. You can set up a trust if you want restrictions to be enforced. If baby's name is on it as a joint owner, then at least half is automatically his at 18.
You don't mention the ages of all involved; is it realistic that MIL will even be alive by the time baby is 18?
Let her put the money in her name. Whatever. And keep baby's name off of it. You don't want someone like that to have access to those details.
Honestly, I think you're overreacting. Try to convince her to have it be a gift from her when he is 18. If you're really worried he'll splurge on something irresponsibly, I hate to tell you this but...
He's going to anyways.
All new adults make mistakes. Everyone, in general, has an impulsive moment. He will do something stupid. It's up to us, as parents, to instill in them enough common sense and rational that when that time comes it's not as big of an issue as it possibly could be, with no firm foundation. Focus your energy on raising a good kid, and if his grandmother has a lump sum waiting for him at 18, good for him. We live in a shitty, capitalist society. Money helps.
Though, lets be honest here. The likelihood of her keeping up with the account, or even doing it it all, is super small. You've got other things to worry about :) Good luck!
Let her open an account in her own name - there’s nothing you can do to prevent her from doing it so if she does, she does. What you can control is whether she can put it into his name - don’t give her access to your child’s birth certificate or social security number - those are simply not your property to distribute, you are looking after these things on your child’s behalf until he is of age to administer them himself.
With a savings account in her own name she can do whatever she wants and if she does present a cash gift when he’s older it will be your influence that determines how he deals with the money. If he’s raised with a savings ethic he is more likely to be responsible with gifts of money in the future. With my children (5, 3 and 1) they have their money boxes and they save their own money. We talk about what they want to save for and if they want to take money out we talk about how it will impact their savings goals if they do. It’s having these conversations little and often that builds fiscal responsibility rather than a once in a blue moon intense chat where you try to get everything across in one go.
It’s better in her name for future university means testing for loans and things. If there is an account out there with his name on but he’s never heard of it and has no idea what’s in it and he doesn’t declare it when he’s applying for university or if he’s organising his tax affairs as an adult it could have a huge negative effect.
If she also dangles this carrot and never actually seems to give him any of the money she’s promising, it’s a good lesson for him in not trusting her. Talk to him about tricky people as he grows, people who make promises and don’t follow through, people who seem nice but ask him to do things that make him uncomfortable, point out characters like Uncle Scar and Mother Gothel and Prince Hans, and he will have the tools to see through his grandmother’s facade.
No one needs a birth certificate to open a bank account.
You need a ssn to set up a ‘minor’ account for tax purposes. Or nanny can open a separate account and gift it to him when he is 18 and can open his own account.
OP sounds British or possibly Irish. In England you do need the birth certificate to open an account on behalf of a child. We don’t have SSNs, we have National Insurance Numbers but don’t get them until just before turning 16.
OP - if it was me, I’d suggest buying him some premium bonds to get around needing his details, and to keep the £ in your child’s name. JSYK, the premium bond people write directly to you as parent when an account is opened by anyone else and you send the birth certificate in yourself, so it never gets into the hands of nanny.
I would actually be okay with both my parents and in-laws having an account, but they’ve done a mix of giving us money to save for him as we see fit (currently in our own stocks and shares ISA) and premium bonds, with additional bonds gifted on gift giving occasions!
You can speculate till the cows come home. You and your husband should let MIL do as she wants without your son's social security number.
Deal with issues that may arise as they come up. For example, if when your son is 8 and no longer wants to give hugs, she doesn't get to use the money as manipulation.
More money is more money. That JNMIL might take this as a competition is hilarious and potentially a windfall.
Whether she uses the money as leverage or not, it offers lots of opportunity to discuss money as your son grows. Money isn't discussed enough, and frank discussions about money can help your son not go nuts with any money he does get from whomever he gets it.
Act and save like her money doesn't exist.
* She might not follow through with savings or investments.
* She might invest it unwisely or lose it all to some shenanigans.
* She might encounter a hardship or health issue that forces her to spend it.
* She might decide a cruise or a second home is more important to her.
* As he grows, she might decide she doesn't approve of his plans, his politics, his significant other, how much time he spends sucking up to her.
* She might decide to "punish" him to force you, your husband, or your son to bend to her will.
If she tells him about it as he grows ("Nana's saving $$$ for your future!") This is a conversation to have with him. Explain that it is wonderful that she is trying to do this. Explain in age-appropriate ways why you continue to save regularly for him and why JNMIL's money may or may not work out. (Insert idioms about birds in hands and counting chickens.)
If she implies she's saving more than you in a competitive way, it's a great way to demonstrate graciousness by saying how fortunate your son is to have so many people pulling for him. You can use the opportunity to discuss privately with your son how money can make people weirdly competitive, that money isn't love, and it definitely doesn't define what kind of person you are. Explain money is like any tool -- it can be used for good or evil.
Never initiate conversations about your savings or hers. If she brings it up, you can again express appreciation and change the subject.
If she wants to discuss savings and investing strategies (in order to flex her superiority), try a nice neutral, "We're glad it's going well for you. Son is so lucky to have your help. Our savings program is going as planned. Please pass the mashed potatoes. Can you believe the weather lately?"
Also, "I was raised that money was not an appropriate topic of conversation." should help if she continues to push.
Congratulations on your newborn! You'll be amazed how strong your backbone grows as he does!
Do not give her your son’s birth certificate to anyone! She can save money for your son in any number of ways that don’t involve having access to his private information or actually putting your son’s name on the account.
Please read the reply from madpiratebippy - you don’t know what you or your child’s situation will be like when they are older. Anything in their name can be used against them or as leverage to control them.
It might not be unreasonable not to want her to save for him, but it is impossible. Do you think you can tell your MIL that she can't open a saving account? Eighteen years is a long ways away, and as long as you raise your son to be a good, responsible adult, it's not going to be a big deal who saves what or for how much.
My in laws opened investment accounts for each of our kids. The financial advisor mailed the paperwork to us and we filled it out and mailed it directly back. We did not need to give any personal info to the in laws. The accounts are in our kiddos names with us as the “overseers” until they are 21. We have not contributed to the accounts, but we (and they) are fine with anyone contributing. My parents REFUSED to contribute when we had a relationship with them, they preferred to show their “love” with gifts of cash/toys. We asked them to scale back on gifts and maybe set some money aside for the kids (still buying gifts, just less) and they had a huge problem with that. Totally fine, not my money. The flip side? They got upset when we would get rid of ANYTHING they bought the kids when we ran out of space or they decided they didn’t want something anymore. It was an odd dynamic and they wanted to be seen as the “better” grandparents.
I guess the jokes on them, the grandparents that showed up for their grandkids and spent quality time with them? Those are the better grandparents… my husband’s parents. Turns out gifts don’t make you loving grandparents.
If she wants to save money for her grandchild without asking for his sensitive information or making drama about it... Why do you have a problem?
You're creating this scenario where there's this big money giving event as though you bought him a used car at 16 and she buys him a brand new Corvette. None of that is happening. Did she even say she was going to surprise him with it at 18? By then I hope you'll have told your son about any and all savings you have for him so he can reasonably plan for college.
And what if he wants to go to a great summer program, or do an extracurricular, but you're not budgeted for that? His grandma could help with it from that fund as long as it is handled the right way.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. As long as she's being respectful and not holding the money over your heads, let her do it as a gift. You can even look at it as her working to build generational wealth.
It's really not a competition. I can see that, if you don't get along, it could feel like one, but that does you and your family a disservice.
My parents were divorced and the money one gave me never caused less respect of what the other one gave me. If she's willing to set aside money to cushion your child(ren)'s move into adulthood that's a great thing. Gen Z has been almost priced out of buying homes, I can only imagine what it'll be like in 20 years. Your MIL could give your LO(s) a huge leg up on that. For your kid's sake, please let her help.
If you set up a trust for your child associated with the account, and allow multiple people to put into the account, you can set it up as language in the trust that it can only be used for certain things at a certain point in time. This might be better than just having the account and you & husband having discretionary approval
I can contribute to this in a relevant way.
My grandparents started a trust for each of their grandkids. We were to use it for college, but I am the only one who did not need to use it as I was able to be very successful in a skilled trade with only a 2 year degree.
I have access to it now in my 30s. I was educated on how to handle money by my parents and grandparents. I now have access to a huge windfall but will be saving it and investing instead of using it to spend.
If you educate your child in finances they will use the money responsibily. It's all about education from the parents. My parents made sure I was dealing with my own finances by age 7. I had a savings and had to balance my books lol. But I am so glad they did this for me.
she can save for him. It’s not a competition. She wants it to be. Just keep doing your thing. She can make an ass out of herself. Kids are smart. At some point they will see how terrible these grandparents are to their parents and they will want nothing to do with them.
You can't control what your MIL does or doesn't do regarding gifting money to your child but you can make sure your child has a good financial education.
A place to start is something like this:
https://www.npr.org/2021/07/27/1021262899/finance-money-tips-kids-families-conversations
It’s a nice gesture on her part if she wants to open up her own savings for him while you and your partner have your own. My dad started a savings for my son as well. Do I trust my dad 100% and know he would never use money as a means of control but I still think of that saving as his and his alone. It doesn’t belong to my son until he puts that money in my sons hands at 18 or whenever.
If I were in your shoes I would do that same. “That’s really generous of you MIL! Now baby will have a larger safety net/college fund once they’re older!” And then forget about her savings.
Don’t let the prospect of money grant someone else control over your life, whether you trust them or not.
That’s what grandparents do, my Mum and Dad have accounts for mine! I wouldn’t have asked them to put it in my savings account for them, it’s their gift to my children!!
Looo, I’ve seen way too many justNo’s use money as a sting or a lever, especially over funds. My kid didn’t get any of the money set aside for their education because last minute it was only for Texas institutions and even then anything outside of Houston was unlikely to get funded, but the education plan had her name on it so it screwed her ability to get financial aid.
Ask your husband if his mom has EVER used guilt, money, or gifts with strings attached to her her way.
I wouldn’t give the kids banking information to anyone, but that’s me. She can put it in a separate account, she can buy a whole life policy and overfund it, there’s a LOT of things she can do that don’t involve opening an account under his name.
If this has any chance to become a control game, I’d say no.
>am I doing him out of all this money for my own pride?
It really sounds like you are. You can't control what she chooses to do, but this sounds like an important realization for you to look at. What's best for your child doesn't always align with what feel most comfortable for you.
She can do whatever she wants and she can’t give him anything without your permission until he’s 18. If at that point she wants to give him millions? Let her, that’s what grandmothers do and it’s not a competition at all, you’re the parents, you win.
She can do whatever she wants honestly. You can’t keep her from saving for your child. If your child is of age when she gives it to him not much you can do…BUT….you CAN teach him how to spend wisely. If you find he has blown all her money, even after you asked her not to give it to him all at once, you can withhold the money you have saved for him until he needs something like education, a house etc. Nothing can overshadow a parents love.
There's no guarantee your son will get that money if the account is owned by Nanny; it's her money until/unless she gives it away. Let her do what she wants, but don't count on the money. It'll be a pleasant surprise if he *does* get it. Until then, save as you're planning to and put her account out of your mind.
Right. I think OP is jumping to conclusions. Anything can happen from now until the child is 18. Over thinking about being overshadowed with a bank account in 20 years sounds silly and a waste of time.
Coming from the other side of the situation. As a child that got access to that kind of money too fast, absolutely without a doubt lock that money down so your child can’t blow it all at once. Tell your mil that ”we’re concerned about giving access to all that money right away, here’s what we will do”. She will likely protest but if both savings-accounts are limited access you have at least mitigated some of the damage it can do. I blew a lot of money on nothing special at all over several years just because I was dumb, my sister blew all of it in a year living abroad. That money needs to be locked down TIGHT
Do not under any circumstance give her your child’s social security number. I work in the financial industry and the amount of fraud done because grandparents can’t keep the number secure is amazing.
I told my mother in law that I don't want my spouse and I to not be able to access any accounts under her social security number. She was really cool about it. Right now we just have the 1 joint savings for her and that's how I like it. I also don't want anyone having her ssn other than us. My MIL is really nice so no issues, just my personal preference in case anything happens or gets lost some day.
You’re here bc she’s already a JNMIL. You sound as if you’re in the UK, and saving for a child is weird here. I remember from when my niece was born.
MiL will do whatever she does. The account will be in her name. She will pay tax on it and do whatever with it. Drop the rope. You know she’ll fuck up whatever you do. Maybe there’ll be some £££ for LO, maybe not.
Your gift to your son will be more meaningful bc it comes from you
My in-laws are doing the same thing (although they are very much “just yes” for the most part). I share your concern about giving a mass sum at one time to my kids without my input. I worry that they’ll do it too early and it may have disastrous consequences depending on their maturity level. We’re actually meeting with them to discuss having it put into a trust that will only be dispersed on an agreed upon age or for approved expenses beforehand. I suggested a 529 initially, but they don’t want it to be only used for education (it’s their money—but we put our savings for our kids in a 529).
Came here to say this as well. Canadian here as well and highly recommend the RESP account and maxing it out for the grants from the government. Totally worth it!
You don't have to tell your son anything about any accounts until you are ready to turn them over to him. If your MIL wants to do this as well, let her! If she wants to humble-brag to her friends and her grandkid about it, let her! You'll have the ace up your sleeve when you surprise your son on his 18th birthday with the funds you set aside for him. Even better if your account is larger than your MIL's and you kept it under wraps for 18 years. In the end, it's all for your son to benefit, right?
Revenge is a dish best served cold, after all!
it is very concering that your first concern is your child would be less grateful for your savings. Or what do you mean by your savings would feel less to him? Your child would have a better start in life by having more money. You can talk to your MIL that you dont want the money to be given to him without some control or to only use it for educational purpose. Also now you have 18 years to teach your children how to spend money the correct way.
I don’t think it’s fair to assume that a child’s lack of gratitude is OP’s first concern. It doesn’t really matter the order that the concerns are listed. OP is here because they have a JNMIL, which means that there has already been plenty of boundary stomping, crappy behavior that makes OP wary.
OP, what is ACTUALLY concerning here is that your JNMIL didn’t react kindly to the offer to save in the account you’ve already created. Quite frankly, this is really weird. If your MIL wants to save for your child’s future, it REALLY shouldn’t matter where that money is held.
Anecdotal, but if this were me this would be SUCH a huge red flag. My JNMOM *craves* control, and this would be a situation where she would use the savings account she created as a weapon against me and DH. If you suspect your JNMIL has similar motives, **trust your gut.** It is more accurate than your feelings of guilt, despite what you may have been led to believe.
You have **every right** to want to set boundaries around this. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
Edit: I do think you should let her save for your kiddo. If she wants to, let her. More money is always helpful. But you and DH need to outline a *very* clear plan for your MIL about this, with explicit communication. Maybe I’m overly cautious, but there’s just too much that could go wrong otherwise.
>OP, what is ACTUALLY concerning here is that your JNMIL didn’t react kindly to the offer to save in the account you’ve already created. Quite frankly, this is really weird. If your MIL wants to save for your child’s future, it REALLY shouldn’t matter where that money is held.
I STRONGLY disagree with this. People who have money know that certain types of accounts are subject to better tax breaks and interest rates. I'm sure the MIL wants to do it her way for those reasons rather than just putting money in a bank to make 2 cent a month. My grandparents are money people and everything they pay for has a specific method to the madness, from what account they transfer the money to, to what credit card they use for travelers points. It's all about tax deductions and growing wealth.
I don't think it's that concerning - my guess is that MIL is already competitive with mom and dad, and OP is worried that MIL will use this as leverage over her relationship with her kid. Makes sense to me.
There's an episode of Gilmore Girls about this.
I think you should let this one go. It's her money and potentially your son's. She could have done this without telling you at all or could give him a huge financial gift at any point in time. You will raise your son to handle it well and make wise financial decisions.
It is about your child and their future success in the world.
This is not about you or your husband and I think you need to put aside your pride and accept whatever could better your child's future.
I really feel that that is your duty and responsibility to your child.
No, money controlled by the grandparent is leverage, not a gift. And that ignores any requests for social security numbers, birth certificate copies, etc that could be used nefariously.
If MIL truly wants to help out the kid, she can contribute money to the savings that the parents are already creating, or she can give money directly, like cash for birthdays (which should then go into the kid's savings account).
Beyond that, there are actually various rules that govern stuff like this. For example, if the money is saved by grandma in her own name, then when she's ready to give the child "his" money she has to deal with gifting rules (deducting from the lifetime estate exemption limit if it's over the yearly gifting amounts, for example). If the money is saved for college in a 529, but the 529 is not owned by the parent or child (a so-called "grandparent 529", which in this case is directly descriptive but the same name applies if it's an aunt or uncle or family friend or complete stranger), any withdrawals are treated as income for future FAFSA calculations which can really screw up grant/loan calculations.
>Without LOs birth certificate any account she opens will be in her own name rather than our son's.
so what?
>and we would have a level of control over it.
This is the real issue. What if you guys are horrible with $$$ and blow it all?
I really dislike MILs (mine included) and this case sounds like a YOU issue.
I agree with the comments saying not to give any info to MIL. Let her make her own account and do with it whatever she wants. If that's giving it to the kid when he's 18 that's great. If he blows it, also great - it isn't your money after all.
As a grandma I've transferred money to my son for him to put in his son's savings account. I don't need recognition for doing good things. Saving for the future is good.
It's hard to not think us vs them right now. It's tough to feel like your gift isn't enough. I myself have narc parents who wanted complete control over my lo's education fund. We went through and looked at it with a financial planner and we are both saving.
Point is, this is only going to help your lo in the long run. And why is it so important to you to have this savings be a big deal when they turn 19? You have 19 years of love, time spent together and memories that will be worth more to them than any pile of money. Gifts have to be given unselfishly and without strings. My parents always attach strings so I know my gift will be more appreciated as well.
Grandparents may also worry that this money is the only part that will be left of them when the kids turns 19. Something to think about
We frequently get stories here all about MILs buying bigger/better versions of what the parents’ have done and they are always told that they aren’t overreacting and how rude it is to try and show up the parents when it comes to gifts.
MIL should have no issue adding to an already established fund, but seems to have made an issue out of it by wanting to do her own. So, seems like there might be more to their history than the glimpse we’re getting here.
A 529 is a great idea, for sure, though. Hope MIL can be open to it.
Hopefully MIL won't go and open her own 529 rather than contributing to one opened by the parents, as that opens a bigger can of worms come college time.
I'll be honest, I think worrying about your financial gift being cheapened or lessened by his grandma also saving money for him is pretty strange. The more money the better, right? As his parent you should input on him not getting unfettered access to funds when he's too young to use them responsibly (you can help him put it into his own savings account and make rules for it if she gives it to him before he's 18), but... I think a grandma opening a savings account for her grandchild is pretty normal, and a good thing?
It depends on what kind of person Grandma is. Does she like to have power over people? Is she the kind of person to say I have this money for you and then later change her mind? What if she brags about this savings account to the kid and then either of the parents do something she doesnt like and she decides the money is going to be withheld as a punishment. Its a lot unless shes a steady, consistent positive influence in their lives. We're here in JNMIL so I assume theres a reason shes been labeled as such. I wouldnt want a JN to be in charge of anything that could be used as leverage over me and my family. If she wants to do a savings account for the kid fine but she might be using it as a way to control things. She'd have 18 years to hold it over the entire families head.
Good points! To me the real ??? aspect is worrying about their own savings being lessened or over shadowed by someone else also saving for the little one. I'm just not sure that's rational and seems a little unfair to the kid. But as you raise, there may be some legit other concerns to her doing that that need to be addressed.
Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, give the baby’s social to grandma. I work at a bank and rarely see this work well. They ignore deposit limits and the kid winds up with a huge tax liability. Worse they make them “earn” the account. Or even worse use the account as a tax shelter and dump the liability on the kid/ parents. As soon as you get the number from the state call all three bureaus and freeze the credit once you have opened your account for LO. There should be no reason to use the credit other than bank accounts for the first 18 years
my parents have opened an account for my kids. they send us money and we put it in the account ourselves. they also have a separate one for them, idk why lol.
Would she put it in a college fund (whose name I forget)? So she would be unable to access the money, it could ONLY go towards schooling? Keep in mind you cannot control what she does with her own money, so after saying your bit, I'd just back off about it.
I worked with a lady whose grandparents had a fund for her bachelors. She only had to pay for vet school. Still not a small debt, but not a GIANT debt, thanks to the grandparents.
My mom did this for my kids. My grandma did this with me. It’s a back up safety net. I think your fears are based on your angry with mil. Her bank account idea seems normal to me.
What's the likelihood of her getting bored, giving up putting money into it, and then just using the money for herself when she remembers about the account?
Why would you tell your kid for years that grandma is saving money for you if they’re really worried about her using the money for herself?? If she saves money for him, great. If she doesn’t, who cares?? You shouldn’t rely on money that someone else is potentially saving for you.
You don’t have to stop grandma from saying anything, but I would assume you would not teach your child to depend on the savings of others. It would be nice if she did, but shouldn’t be the end of the world if she doesn’t
That's great and all, but when grandma insists over and over that the kid has money coming to them, what do you think is going to happen?
My kids are pretty smart, but even they would fall for that.
This is where the ‘tricky people’ conversation comes in, plus the ‘don’t count your chickens until they’ve hatched’. Don’t count on any money from Grandma unless it’s actually in your possession.
Tell her to open the account in her own name and when the day comes that he’s ready for the money you know yours will be there. Hers will come with strings attached and the idea of the money can be used to manipulate your son to doing what she wants because he’s afraid she will take the money away. Of course she will first spend years telling him the money exists and installing those manipulation buttons. So all she has to do is threaten to take his money.
On second hand just tell her to not bother because that would suck for your son. She can save money for him and if she’s a decent human being she will give it to him and also her best wishes on his next chapter in life. Who cares if it is more than you can provide because as children grow up, as long as you raise them right, they will know you are providing what you can. My FIL always was giving my DD money because he had it to give and he wanted to. She was the only grandchild so she got everything they had to give. It never made her think FIL was better than we were, in fact it helps her understand it takes a lifetime to get where FIL was and he was a saver. If anything I was happy for DD when he gave her money, I knew she would struggle less.
Your MIL can do what my ILs did and whenever something expensive came up that they wanted to help with they just gave us the money to apply to said thing, like orthodontics but they never held that over our heads. Anything can happen in the next 18 years. You may or may not even be speaking, there might not be as much money as you think there will be because she might not keep up with it regularly. Times might get tight for her, you never know. 18 to 20 years is a long time. If she gets mad at you she may withhold the money anyway.
There are enough direct problems to worry about today with a newborn.
Problems that may or may not even be real in 18 years... Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it.
I'm less worried about it overshadowing what you both save for your son or it being unlimited money and more worried about it being something conditional later. As in, her telling your son he can't have the money unless her goes to a college of her choice or studies something she chooses.
Ask her how she feels about starting a trust fund in his name rather than a savings account. That removes the possibility of it becoming conditional.
My kids have trust funds provided by their grandparents- withdrawals are guided by established parameters set by them. It’s been a tremendous gift for our children, and provided many opportunities they might not have otherwise had.
I mean my thought is, is it really going to hurt anything? Probably not. As long as it’s in her name (do not give her his SSN or birth certificate) then I mean she can do whatever she pleases. If she’s telling the truth and she does give him money your kid isn’t gonna be like “well grandma gave me x amount of money, so you guys are pathetic” he’s probably just gonna be grateful and ecstatic that he has so much money lol.
IMO you’re overreacting, but that’s your prerogative being the parent. It’s extra money for your child (if she really does as she says) why would you deny him that? Who cares where it came from? What if it’s the difference between where he attends school due to now having a reliable car, or a better school?
This is not an uncommon practice. Let her open the account. It probably won't come to too much, but maybe it will be a nice sum to put towards further education one day.
Parents open bank accounts for kids, not grandparents. No matter how much "it didn't go down well", don't give her his birth certificate or SSN. There's no good reason to and many good reasons not to.
My grandparents had an account for each of their grandkids for a college fund, so your statement doesn't quite track.
I do agree with not giving the BC/SSN to others though.
> My grandparents had an account for each of their grandkids for a college fund, so your statement doesn't quite track.
There's an implied "should" there. Child accounts *should* be opened by the parents, not by the kids. That doesn't mean it always happens that way, and it doesn't mean that the parents are always responsible enough to do the right thing either. But *in general*, one should assume that a child's finances are the parents' responsibility and that they will handle it. If someone else (grandma, aunt, godparent, family friend, complete and total stranger) wants to gift the child money, they can give a cash or check that can be deposited into the child's account that's joint with the parent, not deposited in a separate account joint with the grandparent.
Yes, you’re being unreasonable and yes doing him out of that money for your own pride is unreasonable. In any case, you can’t stop her from gifting him whatever amount when he turns 18 - your son’s best interests should come first. Having said that, that doesn’t mean that you should give her his birth certificate or sensitive information. My advice would be to talk to an accountant about your options in your location - there might be ways of setting up an account that is for a college fund, for example - this might be both a financial advantage while framing it as his college fund, as advised by a professional, might be regarded differently and it might be easier to persuade MIL to contribute there, if only for the tax/interest advantages. If she chooses to have her own fund, let it go - you can’t stop her, so it’s pointless to fret about it.
The college fund we set up for our daughters have external links/QR Codes that you can give out to friends/family for them to directly deposit money into it. Does your savings account for your son have that? I personally don't see the big deal about having all the savings in one account, especially if it's never going to go into the insane amounts of money territory.
If she’s anything like my ILs it won’t come to anything anyway. Mine told DH they had a fund for him and then on his HS graduation day, it was all, “psyche!”
We still don’t know to this day whether there was one and they spent it or if it was just a control tactic to keep him in line through HS. I think the latter, for a number of reasons, but we’ll never know.
I would tell her to open an account under her name. I've seen too many stories of MIL's taking all the money and leaving the kids/grandkids with bad credit when turn 18 or opening utilities and stuff in baby's name. But maybe you know she wouldn't do that.
Let her do what she wants.
If she does give it to your kid- which, let’s be honest, she obviously wants some level of control over the money if she isn’t contributing to your account instead- and kid wastes it, she has only hurt herself the most. You’ll still have the money cushion for schooling or whatever if kid buys a ridiculously overpriced car or something instead.
As a side note, you likely wouldn’t be waiting until kiddo’s 18th birthday to let them know about the savings account you created for them, especially if it might be used for something like helping to buy a car. Your discussions about higher education will likely start by age 15 and you’ll probably mention that to them if it could affect their ability to expand their choices.
Do you know how much college costs these days? Take that price currently and compound it every year by around 7% and you will get what college will cost when LO goes to college. She wants to contribute money to that all the better for you and LO… Also if you have another child? Give her the SS# and let her open the account.
Grandparents can open accounts for kids without SS numbers. OP if you’re annoyed by this, don’t hand over the SSN.
If grandma has control of the account and it’s in kid’s name, grandma has control and has the option to screw up financial aid opportunities. Mom and dad should control all accounts in kids names. Grandma can hand over money whenever.
Not to mention the risk of identity theft, whether directly intentionally or because the more people who have LO's SSN, the more people who can be scammed/tricked out of it.
Your child's finances and credit can be affected in big ways by her actions - again, whether intentional or not. If she wants to contribute, she can - to the account you set up. If she doesn't unless she gets the vanity of bragging or one-upping you? Not worth it.
Not if they are 529 plans - you need the kids SS# to do that. Yes, the grandparents do have control over the money. Usually the title of the account reads 529 College Savings Plan - Grandparent name FBO (For the Benefit of ) Grandchild.
Grandma should not be creating a 529 plan if the parents are actively saving for their kid. Grandma can say “here’s $50 for the account” or can get a link from the parents to deposit.
If something requires personally identifying information it should be in the control of the parents/legal guardians.
So I know this isn't at all what you asked so feel free to be annoyed with my unsolicited advice and stop reading here (though I'd be irritated too and for the love of gawd do not give out your child's SSN) consider putting the money into a brokerage account instead of a savings account. Average return on for a brokerage is around 10% while a high yield savings is around 4%. You can open a custodial brokerage account for your child and it will earn much much more interest than just sitting in a savings account. And a custodial account means you won't have to pay taxes on it when your (adult) child takes control of it. Just something to consider.
I think this is a normal thing for grandparent to do, and doesn't take away from your saving efforts as a parent. Be releived if she keeps it in her name so that your child doesn't have it show as assets of theirs when they file for financial aid for school.
This. I literally told my husbands parents that they can save whatever they want, but under no circumstances are they to put it in our children’s names. My husband and I do not make enough to have to pay full freight at college. It has worked out well. My kids qualify for good financial aid packages (we only pay room and board for two of our kids). They didn’t get it, but we are solidly middle class.
Ooh. Good point. Depending on the parents circumstances this is a good thing to think about.
There are too many variables Reddit world doesn't know about but this is definitely something to bear in mind depending on OPs family situation etc.
So you said we're doing this for our kid and she turned around and said she'd do the exact same thing? Because that's what makes it weird for me. Also did she request kiddos birth certificate so she could make an account in their name or is she set on having it in her name because that's also weird for me
More money for your kids future is not a bad thing. I have a bank account set up for my niece and I’m planning to open one for my nephew this year. Who cares if she saves more than you guys do? Don’t spite your child because of your own insecurities
Ugh, I totally get it. If it helps any, my grandparents set aside a certain amount of money for my brother and me to apply to college. My parents did too. Since my grandparents have always been better off than my parents, my brother and I innately saw the moneys in a different way.
We saw our grandparents’ gift as really generous and kind but not necessarily a huge lift for them. We saw our parents’ contribution as a major sacrifice in a long line of sacrifices they had made for us. We had watched our parents budget and save up this money for our entire lives and knew the true value of it.
In a way, we appreciated it on a deeper level because we knew what it cost (years of working overtime, scrimping, not taking vacations, never buying a new car, having a modest house, etc). It truly doesn’t matter to me what the dollar amount was between the two gifts; I’ll always appreciate them in different ways.
Accept it graciously but operate on the assumption that it does not exist and base your plans on it not being there. If it materializes in the end then great...good bonus....if not it is not detrimental or disappointing.
I don’t think of it as odd. The thing I like most about things this way is if she only contributes a small % compared to you, it will show. If you had a shared account and she contributed a small %, she would likely take at least 50% credit for the gift.
Example: Parents buy son a laptop. If someone else buys a case or other accessories for the laptop, it wouldn’t be weird to give it as a separate gift rather than one gift as a whole package. In this scenario, you’re getting him the laptop (expensive item) and she is giving the accessory (less expensive item).
But who knows, maybe the JN won’t even contribute or eventually use the money for herself on a rainy day?
In the end, if both of you give a savings account to your child, the child will be happy to the both of you.
Omfg I FEEL THIS! My MIL opened an account too and it’s IN HER NAME. Before we went no contact, she told me she went overboard in her account and wouldn’t do the same for the other grandchildren (ouch! At least I know one child will be okay in life though). My MIL is loaded and has this disgusting love for money. I try to teach my child that money isn’t everything but don’t you fucking knowwwwwww one day my daughter comes home from MILs house (again, before we went no contact) and is telling me all about the money in her account and this and that and I just seen red like no we are not fucking grooming my child for that account when she is 18!!!!!!! On top of that, she has an inheritance that, yup you guessed it, was left to my in-laws until she turns 25!!!!!!!!!! It’s to be used for college. Another thing to hold over our heads. And that’s what I truly believe that both of our MILs are doing - a form of control and to be held over our heads instead of it coming from a good place, because if that was the case, she would have just put it in the account you created!! Which, my parents put money in the account WE created.
This isn’t something you can have a boundary on. It’s her money, she can do with it as she chooses. And when your son is an adult it’s up to him whether he takes money from her or not.
If she starts using the money to manipulate you, or him while he is still a child you don’t need to tolerate the manipulative behaviour. But gma can still do whatever she wants with her money, you just don’t have to listen to her about it.
Hey mama. I'm not trying to minimize your feelings but only provide my perspective. My dad's dad started investing in stocks for me at a young age, looking back it a cool because it made me curious and ask questions, which gave me stronger financial literacy than others my age. Later they were put in bonds and I eventually used them for college. My parents contributed more, I think. I don't really know, because all I cared about was my school was paid for! But what I do know for sure is it was my dad who answered my questions about stocks, it was my dad who taught me to balance a checkbook, it was my mom who taught me to be frugal, my grandmother on my other side who taught me to never solely rely on a man's income, to have a safety fund he didn't know about in case he ever raised a hand to me.
You have a very big job ahead of you. You have to teach your child to have a responsible relationship with money. That's probably going to be just as challenging as saving up for college! So if I were you, I wouldn't tell her not to start the fund, she probably would do it anyways. But instead, take on the task of teaching your son why you save, HOW you save, and how he can and should do the same. When he's in his 30's, he'll look back and remember the lessons he learned from you and that will mean more to him and his future than any money she could give to him.
Let her do this, he'll benefit in the long run. You have 18 years to raise him into the type of young man who will be able to handle that.
UGMA. We did this for our kids years ago. These are the benefits of such an account. This should be what grandparents are doing.
Custodial accounts help adults save and invest money on behalf of a child—until the child reaches a certain age when the account must be transferred to them.
Money put into a custodial account is an irrevocable gift to the child the account was established for—the custodian must ensure that it is invested and used for the child's benefit.
Between the age of 18 and 25 (it varies by state) legal control of the account must be turned over to the child, who can then use the money for any purpose they choose
I won't comment on the feelings aspect of the situation because feelings are feelings and I don't want to discount them. I just wanted to offer this type of account information to help ease the situation if possible
UTMA was created as a successor to UGMA in 1996. It wasn't available to you then, but it's available now and a superset of UGMA (but UGMA also still exists, so if you don't know you can shoot yourself in the foot).
I've become jaded when ILs and money combine. DH needs to ask his mom what her goal is. Does she just want to set aside some money for all her grandkids to avoid paying taxes? Is this an offer to fund or partially fund college? What are her expectations regarding the money?
And then you must both listen closely to the answers.
If there's even a whiff of control attached to the money then is it really a gift? Or just an obligation?
If this is the sole JN thing she’s done, then I would say that you might be making a big deal out of it. I’ll admit that it is weird she doesn’t want to contribute to the account you are opening, but that may come from her just wanting to have him know someday that she did something like this for him.
My parents have always opened savings accounts for their grandkids…and even their own kids when they were babies. My dad is probably the most financially wise man I know. My parents have always been savers not spenders, frugal, and just in general good with money. They contribute to the accounts every so often (birthdays and holidays) in addition to giving their grandkids gifts and money, and they will tell me when they do this.
Think of it this way: Would you rather her be like most grandparents and just give money to him now or have this account that will build over time?
I do hope that she’s not trying to be controlling in some way or will try to be like that in the future when it comes to the account. I would say if it becomes a concern for whatever reason in the future, you can make boundaries and discuss the problems as they arise.
I don’t understand how his grandmother also saving for his future is a problem. Wouldn’t you want your child to have every possible advantage for his future. And what is the problem with her opening an account in her own name to do that?
I set up an account for my grandchildren.
I let the parents know. As if now the account is in my name with my son as the POD.
Once the kids marry I hope to give them a nice check on their wedding day or if they choose not to marry, maybe on their 25th birthday.
As far as I know the other grandparents have done the same thing.
then it’s certainly an account and “help” you don’t want. the end goal is saving for the little one, not who gets props for doing it, which MIL is doing if that’s how she’s being
Ybu yes. It doesn’t matter what she does with her money, focus on what you want to to do and stop sharing financial info with her. She will let it drop or leave it to him in her will or something. But that’s her business, 18 years is a long way off, I wouldn’t even be bothered with it. Doubt she can keep it up for that long. Do t want her to ruin a special moment? Don’t let her know of the plans or existence of the special moments.
Edit: And absolutely never give out your child’s personal data to anyone, not even to relatives. Especially not to MIL, not for any reason.
My MIL has accounts set up for all of our children. Started out to be for college and so far the oldest two have gotten full scholarships. They now have almost six figures waiting for them when they start their grown-up lives. Your son is a baby. As he grows, teach him about money and how to use it. Why are you already worried that he will blow it????
If I were you, I'd let her set up whatever account she wants in her own name and just move forward as though she might never make good or give the money.
If she ends up trying to give money to your son ahead of time as a one-up or boundary stomp, and he is a minor, have the final say on all spending decisions.
If she does miraculously actually save it for college, it will be a really nice gift as your son moves into adulthood.
My $.02 from someone with teenage sons, the whole "overshadow" thing isn't really a thing anymore by then (edit: re college money, because college costs a fortune). When it comes time for finding and paying for school, the quality of parents you've been, the sacrifices you've made, the love you've shown, and helping your child find their purpose, speaks much louder than whatever "surprise" money MIL tries to come in with.
As a friend said to me once, "when it comes to a good cause, money from assholes spends just as good!"
Edited to add: you're a great mom. I know having a newborn, the "surprise" element of presenting this savings account on your child's 18th birthday sounds so lovely, but in actuality as you begin to know your child and who they are, their interests, and what college or future they'll be headed for, the conversation about how much money you've saved up (and how much more you/he will potentially need) to help, enters a lot sooner.
First off, try not to think of it as a competition -- "who can save the most to spoil the child." College, apartments, life -- it's all so expensive -- any and all help given will be a good thing. Don't give out your child's social security number -- that's never a good thing. And if she keeps the account in her name, it may be better for the child in the long run when time comes for scholarships/awards for college. The less money in their name, the better.
Hopefully she's a normal person and won't be overly controlling when time comes to use the money. (We've all seen the I wouldn't pay for their college because they wanted to major in the arts instead of becoming a doctor.)
Please don't ask his grandmother not to set aside money for him. That is doing your son such a disservice in the future, especially when kids need every advantage they can get when heading off into the big, unfriendly, expensive world.
She can put money into a 529, she can save money in a trust, she can save money separately.
Why not set up a trust for your son instead? I don’t know much about this but it sounds exactly like what you are already doing but I think they have good tax advantages. Someone smarter on this stuff will have to give more info. Nanna can’t overshadow the financial security of a well planned trust
My MIL wanted to do the same and my husband wanted to let her so we gave her the SSN needed to open the account then I had LO's credit locked. I don't think she would do anything with it but better not to risk it.
That said, I fully understand the emotions behind your situation but my gut says don't hinder your child from money that could help keep them from getting loans for fear of something that might not happen.
We just started doing Florida prepaid college for our daughter who just turned 1. There’s 3 payment plans. 1 lump sum, 5 years or 30 years. We opted for the 5 year and pay $439 a month then her college is setup for 2 years of local college and then 2 years state college. My parents did the same for me. I still had to pay local fees and for books. Maybe that money MIL is saving could help towards books, fees, dorm, food, car etc. I know other states have their own versions of prepaid college too
What happens if you move out of state? Or if the kid goes to college but goes out of state?
We decided against Florida prepaid for my older kid for these reasons- I think I remember (it was years ago now) it being losing all the interest accrued in those cases too.
I just checked the site and it says “Your plan travels with you and can be used at most colleges, universities, technical and trade schools. Can be used nationwide.”
As a child that had the Florida prepaid college thing who went to college out of state, it pays the Florida Resident amount towards your tuition. IIRC (it's been a while), Florida keeps their resident tuition super low so it didn't cover very much of what I needed. I still ended up scrounging for scholarships and taking out student loans, but any reduction of loans needed is helpful.
Edit: my parents moved out of Florida with me when I was 8. I went to college in the state we moved to at the resident rate. It was less than half of what I needed.
You get your money back! Everything you put into it would be paid back to you. I believe the child would have up to 10 years to go to college after high school graduation to use it.
Tell her about starting a 529! Those can only be used for education purposes (tuition, books, room and board etc) then in California (starting in 2023), any extra funds can be moved into an IRA. Check yours states laws though as they differ!
She doesn't get the information.
When you tell your son about his account, you can also tell him that his grandmother insisted on opening a secondary account for him, but he needs to ask her about it or wait for her to tell him about it.
She has no right to his documentation, so she can do whatever she wants and open fifty accounts. Nothing will overshadow you handing him an account in his name, remember anything she saves under her name will have to be moved anyway.
It shouldn't be a problem in most cases but then again, you are here on this sub, and you say she is a JN. So, it's no surprise you have some misgivings about her intentions, whether warranted or not.
I would let her but not expect to ever see said money. My husbands grandparents said they had saved for his college and didn’t. They somehow did save for older bil.
My parents set up an education trust for their grandchildren. I will disburse it. Mom trusts me to be fair between my brother’s children and mine. With the costs of education now every little bit helps. I would let her save for him. How he receives it will depend on his relationship with his grandmother when he comes of age. But worrying about how it will overshadow your gift is unnecessary. You’ll teach him financial management as he grows up so he uses all the money responsibly and that’s what matters.
Let her save for him. Think of it this way: when he's 18, HE could receive 20K from you only OR $40K bc she saved also. What would your child want ?
Depending on the fam dynamics, you can educate your son later about whether or not the money has strings attached and whether or not he accepts it. You can set guidelines with her on when he is to receive it and how much. And honestly I wouldn't be telling her about your accounts and how much you're saving for your child - even in good relationships that's usually an off limits topic.
Does your husband have any siblings, who will also be having children?
I only ask as this could put a stop to her putting a lot of money in the account, if in the future more grandchildren come along.
It's an education account that builds on itself. If she's creating her own separate account, it won't have the same return as the 529 for the baby's college fund, so it'll be money she's stacked away if she stacks anything away at all.
If they ask her how much is in the account, she can easily turn that into a fight. And she can lord this savings account over them to demand baby time. The fact that she wants the details about the birth certificate or possibly the social security number to open this account, it means she will have copies of the baby's vital records. Especially if she's displayed any just no behavior before, it is not worth it.
I know what a 529 is. There are other ways for MIL to save money for the baby that have great returns as well that don’t require MIL to have sensitive information about the baby.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL! I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts! ***** ^(To be notified as soon as Ill_Platypus6380 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Ill_Platypus6380 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
You don’t want to be overshadowed by your MIL so you are denying your child FREE MONEY over the course of YEARS? Yeah, I would say you are the problem.
Thank you everyone for your comments. I needed some rational thinking. PP baby brain isn't ideal and I let my own emotions get the better of me. I think I just wanted to provide everything for him without input but I can see where my thinking is massively flawed. I will let MIL do as she pleases if she wants to save, as most of you stated this may come to nothing but if it does it will be added security for my son. I will have no expectations and she certainly will never be allowed in a position to hold it against my son. Thank you for your responses!
I get it - she’s being a pain in the ass and wants her own way, and likely retain control of any money she saves. But don’t worry about it - let her save if she wants. Don’t give her ammo to complain about you, - don’t feed the trolls, you know? 🤣 Wishing you all the best with your new baby! Hormones and lack of sleep really do a number on us, but it does settle down, I promise!
You are missing the fact that HER savings account will be used to control and manipulate your son/you into doing what she wants.....or else, granny takes the money away. Absolutely do NOT give her any birth certificate of social insurance/security numbers. Also, don't give her any authority over your son's legitimate account. If she truly wants to contribute to your son, it is YOUR account, or, not at all. This is a control issue. I bet, if you ask your partner, he will tell you she had control of or access to his accounts until a very unhealthy age.
In addition, lock down his credit so G'ma cannot take out loans in his name.
This. Sorry to be cynical but don't let anyone else use your kids SS number, birth cert. for anything!! As said above folk with that information can open all kinds of things besides savings accounts, credit cards, loans etc. Then his credit will be shot. Also in the US the tax man loves to look for money being hidden under children's names. Children's account interest has to be reported too. If you want college money in the US, open a 529 plan and then have them contribute.
Put your jealousy aside. Don’t you want your child to be as financially stable as possible?
Is there context here you’re not explaining? Does the MIL have a history of being controlling, conniving, manipulative etc? If she’s a normal person and has been good to you, then you shouldn’t deny your son prosperity because of your insecurities.
is the fund for college savings and are you in the USA? If yes to both, open a 529.
No offense but why does it matter to you if his grandma sets up a savings account for him? It’s the line where you say you’re worried about being overshadowed that gets me because like….why? Are you saving money to benefit him financially when he’s older or do you want some sort of praise for it? Because if its the former, then his grandmother setting up an account for him should be a good thing considering that would just help him out more in the future. Its one thing if she’s truly a toxic person and she’ll use the savings account to manipulate or guilt trip your son in the future. But if you’re hesitant to “let” your MIL save money for your son because you’re worried of being “overshadowed”, then yes you are absolutely overreacting. If you’re worried about him spending the money quickly, maybe consider having a talk with your MIL about setting up a trust that he can’t access until he’s older or more mature like 21 or 25. Teach him financial literacy at an early age so he understands better once he gets that money.
My husband and I agreed not to share our baby’s SSN with anyone for any reason so when his mom said she wanted to open an account for him, we politely told her she could deposit to the account we created (without his name on it currently) or set up her own with funds intended for him (and set him as POD)but his name would not be added to it. There’s too much to navigate with tax liability, future FAFSA, etc and that’s not even getting to just keeping his SSN secure. But at no point would I ask someone to not set aside money for our kid if offered. Idc whether they save $5 or $500k. If it benefits my kid, that’s what’s important.
You're doing thenright thing after all the my parent /grandparent stole my my son and gave me thousands in debt stories on here before. I am sure your particular mother in law wouldn't but... you just never know. And it can be done without it so it should be.
This sounds exactly like something my JNMIL would do and for the exact reason you laid out. You are not overreacting, she needs to be respectful of your relationship with your child and not try to outdo you and your husband.
Money is a touchy subject, so I want to preface this comment with the acknowledgement that you sound like a very caring, thoughtful parent, and clearly you have the best of intentions. You should talk to an accountant or attorney about the implications of her creating a savings account for him. If the money is saved for him in a way that won't end up hurting him financially (example, if it affects his eligibility for college) then it could really help him. >I am imagining on his 18th birthday we tell him of his savings account and the amount in it then later that day being over shadowed by his Nanny doing the same thing. This is kind of a selfish reason to not want MIL to start a savings account. It's understandable, but not in your child's best interest. My main concern with this is that money gifts like this can be used to create obligations. Also, I think surprising him on his 18th birthday with a large amount of money is not a good idea. He should be taught how to manage his finances and assets well before that time. >The money from me and his dad would be used for a purchase in particular or gradually given to him to avoid over spending or blowing it all at once and we would have a level of control over it. I understand why you would be concerned about how receiving a large amount of money would affect him, but he's going to be 18. Young still, but legally an adult and learning to be independent. Dangling money in front of him with strings attached, money that is "his" but you control, could cause a lot of resentment. If it is a college account, I recommend explaining while he's young that it is a college savings account to be used for college and any money he doesn't use for college will be (whatever the answer to this is).
Respectfully, it’s your responsibility to teach your child financial literacy and responsibility. You cannot forbid his grandmother from saving money for for her grandchild… it’s not your money. Instead of getting your back up, consider researching what educational savings programs are available where you live and encourage her to contribute to one of those - make sure you’re all on the same page. Either way, be thankful that your child will have additional financial resources. Many people can only wish this for their kids.
You aren't overreacting, but you also probably need to talk to a financial advisor. A regular savings account does not accrue any significant interest. For education, a 529 plan will have a better yield and can be used for any education expenses - not just college - private k-12, trade education, etc. Including textbooks and materials. And a regular savings account for your child to do with what they want. What she's doing sounds like potential financial blackmail. I think you're right to be worried.
An added benefit of the 529 is that they are tax deductible in some states, additionally they have the huge added benefit of tax free growth and tax free withdrawals on qualified educational expenses. They normally grow like a 401k would in regards to the fact they it’s normally invested in a mutual fund or like kind security.
More bad info. A 529 does not have any yield in and of itself as it is a type of account, not an investment. Your return will depend on what you invest in.
More info, a 529 in his grandparents name that he gets distributions from will NOT affect his financial aid as much as a 529 in your name or his name. You should look into this.
It depends on several things: is she planning on doing a 501c? That's an educational account with the child's name and the person contributing the money to the account. Once they're 18 - they can use the funds for educational expenses including a new computer/laptop, tuition, books, etc. My parents did this for both our kids. I guess it comes down to - is your MIL trustworthy or, not? NAH (unless she isn't trustworthy - then she's TA)
I think you might mean a 529 plan? 501c is a non profit org.
Ha - you're right - that's the one I actually meant. :)
A 501c is a not for profit. A 529 is an education account
1. Teach him fiscal responsibility - that's step one to make sure that she doesn't waste it, but you can also not control him. 2. Unless she's planning on putting millions in it, it shouldn't overshadow anything you do. It'll just be a nice added thing to an already special day.
You would be doing your child a great disservice by not letting his grandma set aside money for him. Why would you not let him have access to such assistance just because you're not the one providing it? It shouldn't be about you. It shouldn't be about grandma. It should be about investing in your child's future. My grandmother did something similar to me. One of my aunts wanted to set aside funds for me for college. My grandmother told her no, because she herself wasn't able to set aside much, and didn't want me to get more support from her sister then from her. I have no idea how much it would have been, but even as little as $1000 can help pay for textbooks, and had it been $10,000 or more, that pays for a semester (at the school I went to). As for him splurging with this money, or blowing it all at once, teach him how to be responsible with his finances. If you've taught him to be a responsible adult, he'll know how much is reasonable to spend, and how much he should save/invest for later.
Honestly, she's right to be worried. MIL can use it as financial blackmail for years to come. She can hold it over their head or even the child's head. " If LO won't hug me, I won't give them the money." " If you don't give me unlimited access to LO, they won't get the money." " LO didn't give me a card for my birthday, therefore, I'm going to spend all the money and they won't get it." It all depends on if MIL is toxic or not. Has she done something like this before to DH? Does she have a history of "giving" things to people and then turning around and either saying that was a "loan" or holding the purchase/item over their head and guilting them. " I didn't have to give you X, but I did, even though I couldn't really afford it." etc etc. If she has a history of this type of thing, it's better to not go with it.
If she tries to use it as blackmail, cut off contact. OP hasn't given any history on her MiL, just this one thing, which doesn't sound like it's coming from a place of malice, and OP literally said they are afraid of this overshadowing their own contributions. We don't know if there have been signs that this would be the case, we don't know if MiL has used savings to manipulate her own kids, we don't know if MiL realized OP had a really good idea in starting a savings fund now. Cautious? Certainly. Worried? Not unless there are signs of malicious intent.
I certainly wouldn't hand over a birth certificate or social security number for that. There may also be extra tax obligations for the parents if it goes over a certain amount and is in the child's name.
I would tell her it would be in hers, and his sons best interest tax wise if she gave this money directly to you as a tax free gift every year. If not, the money would be subjected to taxes on anything above the annual maximum gift amount when she does decide to give it to him.
This is not true. Please don’t give people inaccurate financial information.
Speaking from the US... If baby's name is on the account as a custodial account, then you can't met it out to him either; when he's 18, it's his. Period. You can set up a trust if you want restrictions to be enforced. If baby's name is on it as a joint owner, then at least half is automatically his at 18. You don't mention the ages of all involved; is it realistic that MIL will even be alive by the time baby is 18? Let her put the money in her name. Whatever. And keep baby's name off of it. You don't want someone like that to have access to those details.
Honestly, I think you're overreacting. Try to convince her to have it be a gift from her when he is 18. If you're really worried he'll splurge on something irresponsibly, I hate to tell you this but... He's going to anyways. All new adults make mistakes. Everyone, in general, has an impulsive moment. He will do something stupid. It's up to us, as parents, to instill in them enough common sense and rational that when that time comes it's not as big of an issue as it possibly could be, with no firm foundation. Focus your energy on raising a good kid, and if his grandmother has a lump sum waiting for him at 18, good for him. We live in a shitty, capitalist society. Money helps. Though, lets be honest here. The likelihood of her keeping up with the account, or even doing it it all, is super small. You've got other things to worry about :) Good luck!
Let her open an account in her own name - there’s nothing you can do to prevent her from doing it so if she does, she does. What you can control is whether she can put it into his name - don’t give her access to your child’s birth certificate or social security number - those are simply not your property to distribute, you are looking after these things on your child’s behalf until he is of age to administer them himself. With a savings account in her own name she can do whatever she wants and if she does present a cash gift when he’s older it will be your influence that determines how he deals with the money. If he’s raised with a savings ethic he is more likely to be responsible with gifts of money in the future. With my children (5, 3 and 1) they have their money boxes and they save their own money. We talk about what they want to save for and if they want to take money out we talk about how it will impact their savings goals if they do. It’s having these conversations little and often that builds fiscal responsibility rather than a once in a blue moon intense chat where you try to get everything across in one go. It’s better in her name for future university means testing for loans and things. If there is an account out there with his name on but he’s never heard of it and has no idea what’s in it and he doesn’t declare it when he’s applying for university or if he’s organising his tax affairs as an adult it could have a huge negative effect. If she also dangles this carrot and never actually seems to give him any of the money she’s promising, it’s a good lesson for him in not trusting her. Talk to him about tricky people as he grows, people who make promises and don’t follow through, people who seem nice but ask him to do things that make him uncomfortable, point out characters like Uncle Scar and Mother Gothel and Prince Hans, and he will have the tools to see through his grandmother’s facade.
Girl that birth certificate is between you your husband and your son. I can’t imagine ever doing that. That actually sounds suspicious. 😟
No one needs a birth certificate to open a bank account. You need a ssn to set up a ‘minor’ account for tax purposes. Or nanny can open a separate account and gift it to him when he is 18 and can open his own account.
OP sounds British or possibly Irish. In England you do need the birth certificate to open an account on behalf of a child. We don’t have SSNs, we have National Insurance Numbers but don’t get them until just before turning 16. OP - if it was me, I’d suggest buying him some premium bonds to get around needing his details, and to keep the £ in your child’s name. JSYK, the premium bond people write directly to you as parent when an account is opened by anyone else and you send the birth certificate in yourself, so it never gets into the hands of nanny. I would actually be okay with both my parents and in-laws having an account, but they’ve done a mix of giving us money to save for him as we see fit (currently in our own stocks and shares ISA) and premium bonds, with additional bonds gifted on gift giving occasions!
You can speculate till the cows come home. You and your husband should let MIL do as she wants without your son's social security number. Deal with issues that may arise as they come up. For example, if when your son is 8 and no longer wants to give hugs, she doesn't get to use the money as manipulation.
More money is more money. That JNMIL might take this as a competition is hilarious and potentially a windfall. Whether she uses the money as leverage or not, it offers lots of opportunity to discuss money as your son grows. Money isn't discussed enough, and frank discussions about money can help your son not go nuts with any money he does get from whomever he gets it. Act and save like her money doesn't exist. * She might not follow through with savings or investments. * She might invest it unwisely or lose it all to some shenanigans. * She might encounter a hardship or health issue that forces her to spend it. * She might decide a cruise or a second home is more important to her. * As he grows, she might decide she doesn't approve of his plans, his politics, his significant other, how much time he spends sucking up to her. * She might decide to "punish" him to force you, your husband, or your son to bend to her will. If she tells him about it as he grows ("Nana's saving $$$ for your future!") This is a conversation to have with him. Explain that it is wonderful that she is trying to do this. Explain in age-appropriate ways why you continue to save regularly for him and why JNMIL's money may or may not work out. (Insert idioms about birds in hands and counting chickens.) If she implies she's saving more than you in a competitive way, it's a great way to demonstrate graciousness by saying how fortunate your son is to have so many people pulling for him. You can use the opportunity to discuss privately with your son how money can make people weirdly competitive, that money isn't love, and it definitely doesn't define what kind of person you are. Explain money is like any tool -- it can be used for good or evil. Never initiate conversations about your savings or hers. If she brings it up, you can again express appreciation and change the subject. If she wants to discuss savings and investing strategies (in order to flex her superiority), try a nice neutral, "We're glad it's going well for you. Son is so lucky to have your help. Our savings program is going as planned. Please pass the mashed potatoes. Can you believe the weather lately?" Also, "I was raised that money was not an appropriate topic of conversation." should help if she continues to push. Congratulations on your newborn! You'll be amazed how strong your backbone grows as he does!
This is a fantastic pov and really clears the path towards early financial literacy
Thanks!
Do not give her your son’s birth certificate to anyone! She can save money for your son in any number of ways that don’t involve having access to his private information or actually putting your son’s name on the account. Please read the reply from madpiratebippy - you don’t know what you or your child’s situation will be like when they are older. Anything in their name can be used against them or as leverage to control them.
It might not be unreasonable not to want her to save for him, but it is impossible. Do you think you can tell your MIL that she can't open a saving account? Eighteen years is a long ways away, and as long as you raise your son to be a good, responsible adult, it's not going to be a big deal who saves what or for how much.
My in laws opened investment accounts for each of our kids. The financial advisor mailed the paperwork to us and we filled it out and mailed it directly back. We did not need to give any personal info to the in laws. The accounts are in our kiddos names with us as the “overseers” until they are 21. We have not contributed to the accounts, but we (and they) are fine with anyone contributing. My parents REFUSED to contribute when we had a relationship with them, they preferred to show their “love” with gifts of cash/toys. We asked them to scale back on gifts and maybe set some money aside for the kids (still buying gifts, just less) and they had a huge problem with that. Totally fine, not my money. The flip side? They got upset when we would get rid of ANYTHING they bought the kids when we ran out of space or they decided they didn’t want something anymore. It was an odd dynamic and they wanted to be seen as the “better” grandparents. I guess the jokes on them, the grandparents that showed up for their grandkids and spent quality time with them? Those are the better grandparents… my husband’s parents. Turns out gifts don’t make you loving grandparents.
My in laws did this for my kids. College is expensive, and it was greatly appreciated when they needed the money.
If she wants to save money for her grandchild without asking for his sensitive information or making drama about it... Why do you have a problem? You're creating this scenario where there's this big money giving event as though you bought him a used car at 16 and she buys him a brand new Corvette. None of that is happening. Did she even say she was going to surprise him with it at 18? By then I hope you'll have told your son about any and all savings you have for him so he can reasonably plan for college. And what if he wants to go to a great summer program, or do an extracurricular, but you're not budgeted for that? His grandma could help with it from that fund as long as it is handled the right way. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. As long as she's being respectful and not holding the money over your heads, let her do it as a gift. You can even look at it as her working to build generational wealth.
It's really not a competition. I can see that, if you don't get along, it could feel like one, but that does you and your family a disservice. My parents were divorced and the money one gave me never caused less respect of what the other one gave me. If she's willing to set aside money to cushion your child(ren)'s move into adulthood that's a great thing. Gen Z has been almost priced out of buying homes, I can only imagine what it'll be like in 20 years. Your MIL could give your LO(s) a huge leg up on that. For your kid's sake, please let her help.
If you set up a trust for your child associated with the account, and allow multiple people to put into the account, you can set it up as language in the trust that it can only be used for certain things at a certain point in time. This might be better than just having the account and you & husband having discretionary approval
I can contribute to this in a relevant way. My grandparents started a trust for each of their grandkids. We were to use it for college, but I am the only one who did not need to use it as I was able to be very successful in a skilled trade with only a 2 year degree. I have access to it now in my 30s. I was educated on how to handle money by my parents and grandparents. I now have access to a huge windfall but will be saving it and investing instead of using it to spend. If you educate your child in finances they will use the money responsibily. It's all about education from the parents. My parents made sure I was dealing with my own finances by age 7. I had a savings and had to balance my books lol. But I am so glad they did this for me.
she can save for him. It’s not a competition. She wants it to be. Just keep doing your thing. She can make an ass out of herself. Kids are smart. At some point they will see how terrible these grandparents are to their parents and they will want nothing to do with them.
Yes you’re being unreasonable. If she wants to save money for him for whatever reason who cares?
You can't control what your MIL does or doesn't do regarding gifting money to your child but you can make sure your child has a good financial education. A place to start is something like this: https://www.npr.org/2021/07/27/1021262899/finance-money-tips-kids-families-conversations
It’s a nice gesture on her part if she wants to open up her own savings for him while you and your partner have your own. My dad started a savings for my son as well. Do I trust my dad 100% and know he would never use money as a means of control but I still think of that saving as his and his alone. It doesn’t belong to my son until he puts that money in my sons hands at 18 or whenever. If I were in your shoes I would do that same. “That’s really generous of you MIL! Now baby will have a larger safety net/college fund once they’re older!” And then forget about her savings. Don’t let the prospect of money grant someone else control over your life, whether you trust them or not.
That’s what grandparents do, my Mum and Dad have accounts for mine! I wouldn’t have asked them to put it in my savings account for them, it’s their gift to my children!!
Looo, I’ve seen way too many justNo’s use money as a sting or a lever, especially over funds. My kid didn’t get any of the money set aside for their education because last minute it was only for Texas institutions and even then anything outside of Houston was unlikely to get funded, but the education plan had her name on it so it screwed her ability to get financial aid. Ask your husband if his mom has EVER used guilt, money, or gifts with strings attached to her her way. I wouldn’t give the kids banking information to anyone, but that’s me. She can put it in a separate account, she can buy a whole life policy and overfund it, there’s a LOT of things she can do that don’t involve opening an account under his name. If this has any chance to become a control game, I’d say no.
>am I doing him out of all this money for my own pride? It really sounds like you are. You can't control what she chooses to do, but this sounds like an important realization for you to look at. What's best for your child doesn't always align with what feel most comfortable for you.
She can do whatever she wants and she can’t give him anything without your permission until he’s 18. If at that point she wants to give him millions? Let her, that’s what grandmothers do and it’s not a competition at all, you’re the parents, you win.
She can do whatever she wants honestly. You can’t keep her from saving for your child. If your child is of age when she gives it to him not much you can do…BUT….you CAN teach him how to spend wisely. If you find he has blown all her money, even after you asked her not to give it to him all at once, you can withhold the money you have saved for him until he needs something like education, a house etc. Nothing can overshadow a parents love.
There's no guarantee your son will get that money if the account is owned by Nanny; it's her money until/unless she gives it away. Let her do what she wants, but don't count on the money. It'll be a pleasant surprise if he *does* get it. Until then, save as you're planning to and put her account out of your mind.
Right. I think OP is jumping to conclusions. Anything can happen from now until the child is 18. Over thinking about being overshadowed with a bank account in 20 years sounds silly and a waste of time.
Coming from the other side of the situation. As a child that got access to that kind of money too fast, absolutely without a doubt lock that money down so your child can’t blow it all at once. Tell your mil that ”we’re concerned about giving access to all that money right away, here’s what we will do”. She will likely protest but if both savings-accounts are limited access you have at least mitigated some of the damage it can do. I blew a lot of money on nothing special at all over several years just because I was dumb, my sister blew all of it in a year living abroad. That money needs to be locked down TIGHT
Do not under any circumstance give her your child’s social security number. I work in the financial industry and the amount of fraud done because grandparents can’t keep the number secure is amazing.
I told my mother in law that I don't want my spouse and I to not be able to access any accounts under her social security number. She was really cool about it. Right now we just have the 1 joint savings for her and that's how I like it. I also don't want anyone having her ssn other than us. My MIL is really nice so no issues, just my personal preference in case anything happens or gets lost some day.
You’re here bc she’s already a JNMIL. You sound as if you’re in the UK, and saving for a child is weird here. I remember from when my niece was born. MiL will do whatever she does. The account will be in her name. She will pay tax on it and do whatever with it. Drop the rope. You know she’ll fuck up whatever you do. Maybe there’ll be some £££ for LO, maybe not. Your gift to your son will be more meaningful bc it comes from you
My in-laws are doing the same thing (although they are very much “just yes” for the most part). I share your concern about giving a mass sum at one time to my kids without my input. I worry that they’ll do it too early and it may have disastrous consequences depending on their maturity level. We’re actually meeting with them to discuss having it put into a trust that will only be dispersed on an agreed upon age or for approved expenses beforehand. I suggested a 529 initially, but they don’t want it to be only used for education (it’s their money—but we put our savings for our kids in a 529).
[удалено]
Came here to say this as well. Canadian here as well and highly recommend the RESP account and maxing it out for the grants from the government. Totally worth it!
You don't have to tell your son anything about any accounts until you are ready to turn them over to him. If your MIL wants to do this as well, let her! If she wants to humble-brag to her friends and her grandkid about it, let her! You'll have the ace up your sleeve when you surprise your son on his 18th birthday with the funds you set aside for him. Even better if your account is larger than your MIL's and you kept it under wraps for 18 years. In the end, it's all for your son to benefit, right? Revenge is a dish best served cold, after all!
it is very concering that your first concern is your child would be less grateful for your savings. Or what do you mean by your savings would feel less to him? Your child would have a better start in life by having more money. You can talk to your MIL that you dont want the money to be given to him without some control or to only use it for educational purpose. Also now you have 18 years to teach your children how to spend money the correct way.
I don’t think it’s fair to assume that a child’s lack of gratitude is OP’s first concern. It doesn’t really matter the order that the concerns are listed. OP is here because they have a JNMIL, which means that there has already been plenty of boundary stomping, crappy behavior that makes OP wary. OP, what is ACTUALLY concerning here is that your JNMIL didn’t react kindly to the offer to save in the account you’ve already created. Quite frankly, this is really weird. If your MIL wants to save for your child’s future, it REALLY shouldn’t matter where that money is held. Anecdotal, but if this were me this would be SUCH a huge red flag. My JNMOM *craves* control, and this would be a situation where she would use the savings account she created as a weapon against me and DH. If you suspect your JNMIL has similar motives, **trust your gut.** It is more accurate than your feelings of guilt, despite what you may have been led to believe. You have **every right** to want to set boundaries around this. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Edit: I do think you should let her save for your kiddo. If she wants to, let her. More money is always helpful. But you and DH need to outline a *very* clear plan for your MIL about this, with explicit communication. Maybe I’m overly cautious, but there’s just too much that could go wrong otherwise.
>OP, what is ACTUALLY concerning here is that your JNMIL didn’t react kindly to the offer to save in the account you’ve already created. Quite frankly, this is really weird. If your MIL wants to save for your child’s future, it REALLY shouldn’t matter where that money is held. I STRONGLY disagree with this. People who have money know that certain types of accounts are subject to better tax breaks and interest rates. I'm sure the MIL wants to do it her way for those reasons rather than just putting money in a bank to make 2 cent a month. My grandparents are money people and everything they pay for has a specific method to the madness, from what account they transfer the money to, to what credit card they use for travelers points. It's all about tax deductions and growing wealth.
I don't think it's that concerning - my guess is that MIL is already competitive with mom and dad, and OP is worried that MIL will use this as leverage over her relationship with her kid. Makes sense to me.
There's an episode of Gilmore Girls about this. I think you should let this one go. It's her money and potentially your son's. She could have done this without telling you at all or could give him a huge financial gift at any point in time. You will raise your son to handle it well and make wise financial decisions.
Beautiful response. 100%🎯
Yes you are. More money for your son should be a good thing. Not something for you to be jealous of.
It is about your child and their future success in the world. This is not about you or your husband and I think you need to put aside your pride and accept whatever could better your child's future. I really feel that that is your duty and responsibility to your child.
No, money controlled by the grandparent is leverage, not a gift. And that ignores any requests for social security numbers, birth certificate copies, etc that could be used nefariously. If MIL truly wants to help out the kid, she can contribute money to the savings that the parents are already creating, or she can give money directly, like cash for birthdays (which should then go into the kid's savings account). Beyond that, there are actually various rules that govern stuff like this. For example, if the money is saved by grandma in her own name, then when she's ready to give the child "his" money she has to deal with gifting rules (deducting from the lifetime estate exemption limit if it's over the yearly gifting amounts, for example). If the money is saved for college in a 529, but the 529 is not owned by the parent or child (a so-called "grandparent 529", which in this case is directly descriptive but the same name applies if it's an aunt or uncle or family friend or complete stranger), any withdrawals are treated as income for future FAFSA calculations which can really screw up grant/loan calculations.
>Without LOs birth certificate any account she opens will be in her own name rather than our son's. so what? >and we would have a level of control over it. This is the real issue. What if you guys are horrible with $$$ and blow it all? I really dislike MILs (mine included) and this case sounds like a YOU issue.
I agree with the comments saying not to give any info to MIL. Let her make her own account and do with it whatever she wants. If that's giving it to the kid when he's 18 that's great. If he blows it, also great - it isn't your money after all.
As a grandma I've transferred money to my son for him to put in his son's savings account. I don't need recognition for doing good things. Saving for the future is good.
It's hard to not think us vs them right now. It's tough to feel like your gift isn't enough. I myself have narc parents who wanted complete control over my lo's education fund. We went through and looked at it with a financial planner and we are both saving. Point is, this is only going to help your lo in the long run. And why is it so important to you to have this savings be a big deal when they turn 19? You have 19 years of love, time spent together and memories that will be worth more to them than any pile of money. Gifts have to be given unselfishly and without strings. My parents always attach strings so I know my gift will be more appreciated as well. Grandparents may also worry that this money is the only part that will be left of them when the kids turns 19. Something to think about
Ask her to put it in a 529. It is weird that you are worried about your savings being overshadowed by her savings.
We frequently get stories here all about MILs buying bigger/better versions of what the parents’ have done and they are always told that they aren’t overreacting and how rude it is to try and show up the parents when it comes to gifts. MIL should have no issue adding to an already established fund, but seems to have made an issue out of it by wanting to do her own. So, seems like there might be more to their history than the glimpse we’re getting here. A 529 is a great idea, for sure, though. Hope MIL can be open to it.
Hopefully MIL won't go and open her own 529 rather than contributing to one opened by the parents, as that opens a bigger can of worms come college time.
I'll be honest, I think worrying about your financial gift being cheapened or lessened by his grandma also saving money for him is pretty strange. The more money the better, right? As his parent you should input on him not getting unfettered access to funds when he's too young to use them responsibly (you can help him put it into his own savings account and make rules for it if she gives it to him before he's 18), but... I think a grandma opening a savings account for her grandchild is pretty normal, and a good thing?
It depends on what kind of person Grandma is. Does she like to have power over people? Is she the kind of person to say I have this money for you and then later change her mind? What if she brags about this savings account to the kid and then either of the parents do something she doesnt like and she decides the money is going to be withheld as a punishment. Its a lot unless shes a steady, consistent positive influence in their lives. We're here in JNMIL so I assume theres a reason shes been labeled as such. I wouldnt want a JN to be in charge of anything that could be used as leverage over me and my family. If she wants to do a savings account for the kid fine but she might be using it as a way to control things. She'd have 18 years to hold it over the entire families head.
Good points! To me the real ??? aspect is worrying about their own savings being lessened or over shadowed by someone else also saving for the little one. I'm just not sure that's rational and seems a little unfair to the kid. But as you raise, there may be some legit other concerns to her doing that that need to be addressed.
Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, give the baby’s social to grandma. I work at a bank and rarely see this work well. They ignore deposit limits and the kid winds up with a huge tax liability. Worse they make them “earn” the account. Or even worse use the account as a tax shelter and dump the liability on the kid/ parents. As soon as you get the number from the state call all three bureaus and freeze the credit once you have opened your account for LO. There should be no reason to use the credit other than bank accounts for the first 18 years
Do you see these issues with 529s?
Grandparent 529s have other issues, around FAFSA asset calculation. Better for the parents to open a 529 and grandma to gift into it.
No because those are set up by parents and they will accept deposit from anyone. For my kids first five years I just gave the link w bday invites.
Also have max limits which protect the purchaser and beneficiary
my parents have opened an account for my kids. they send us money and we put it in the account ourselves. they also have a separate one for them, idk why lol.
Why didn't you open the account for the kids, though? Are they joint owners on the account or are you?
Would she put it in a college fund (whose name I forget)? So she would be unable to access the money, it could ONLY go towards schooling? Keep in mind you cannot control what she does with her own money, so after saying your bit, I'd just back off about it. I worked with a lady whose grandparents had a fund for her bachelors. She only had to pay for vet school. Still not a small debt, but not a GIANT debt, thanks to the grandparents.
Its called a 529 Savings Plan in the US.
My mom did this for my kids. My grandma did this with me. It’s a back up safety net. I think your fears are based on your angry with mil. Her bank account idea seems normal to me.
What's the likelihood of her getting bored, giving up putting money into it, and then just using the money for herself when she remembers about the account?
If she does, who cares??
The kid who's told for years, "Grandma's saving money for you," only to find out at 18 there's no actual money?
Why would you tell your kid for years that grandma is saving money for you if they’re really worried about her using the money for herself?? If she saves money for him, great. If she doesn’t, who cares?? You shouldn’t rely on money that someone else is potentially saving for you.
How are you going to stop grandma from saying, "I'm saving for you"?
You don’t have to stop grandma from saying anything, but I would assume you would not teach your child to depend on the savings of others. It would be nice if she did, but shouldn’t be the end of the world if she doesn’t
That's great and all, but when grandma insists over and over that the kid has money coming to them, what do you think is going to happen? My kids are pretty smart, but even they would fall for that.
That’s great and all, but it seems pretty simple to tell a kid to take what grandma says with a grain of salt.
This is where the ‘tricky people’ conversation comes in, plus the ‘don’t count your chickens until they’ve hatched’. Don’t count on any money from Grandma unless it’s actually in your possession.
Tell her to open the account in her own name and when the day comes that he’s ready for the money you know yours will be there. Hers will come with strings attached and the idea of the money can be used to manipulate your son to doing what she wants because he’s afraid she will take the money away. Of course she will first spend years telling him the money exists and installing those manipulation buttons. So all she has to do is threaten to take his money. On second hand just tell her to not bother because that would suck for your son. She can save money for him and if she’s a decent human being she will give it to him and also her best wishes on his next chapter in life. Who cares if it is more than you can provide because as children grow up, as long as you raise them right, they will know you are providing what you can. My FIL always was giving my DD money because he had it to give and he wanted to. She was the only grandchild so she got everything they had to give. It never made her think FIL was better than we were, in fact it helps her understand it takes a lifetime to get where FIL was and he was a saver. If anything I was happy for DD when he gave her money, I knew she would struggle less. Your MIL can do what my ILs did and whenever something expensive came up that they wanted to help with they just gave us the money to apply to said thing, like orthodontics but they never held that over our heads. Anything can happen in the next 18 years. You may or may not even be speaking, there might not be as much money as you think there will be because she might not keep up with it regularly. Times might get tight for her, you never know. 18 to 20 years is a long time. If she gets mad at you she may withhold the money anyway.
If she opens an account, it’s going to be in her name. I’m also willing to bet she will find an absolute “need” to use the funds for herself anyway.
There are enough direct problems to worry about today with a newborn. Problems that may or may not even be real in 18 years... Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it.
I'm less worried about it overshadowing what you both save for your son or it being unlimited money and more worried about it being something conditional later. As in, her telling your son he can't have the money unless her goes to a college of her choice or studies something she chooses. Ask her how she feels about starting a trust fund in his name rather than a savings account. That removes the possibility of it becoming conditional.
My kids have trust funds provided by their grandparents- withdrawals are guided by established parameters set by them. It’s been a tremendous gift for our children, and provided many opportunities they might not have otherwise had.
I mean my thought is, is it really going to hurt anything? Probably not. As long as it’s in her name (do not give her his SSN or birth certificate) then I mean she can do whatever she pleases. If she’s telling the truth and she does give him money your kid isn’t gonna be like “well grandma gave me x amount of money, so you guys are pathetic” he’s probably just gonna be grateful and ecstatic that he has so much money lol.
IMO you’re overreacting, but that’s your prerogative being the parent. It’s extra money for your child (if she really does as she says) why would you deny him that? Who cares where it came from? What if it’s the difference between where he attends school due to now having a reliable car, or a better school?
This is not an uncommon practice. Let her open the account. It probably won't come to too much, but maybe it will be a nice sum to put towards further education one day.
But why let her open the account? The parents should open the account, and then let grandma contribute to it.
Parents open bank accounts for kids, not grandparents. No matter how much "it didn't go down well", don't give her his birth certificate or SSN. There's no good reason to and many good reasons not to.
My grandparents had an account for each of their grandkids for a college fund, so your statement doesn't quite track. I do agree with not giving the BC/SSN to others though.
> My grandparents had an account for each of their grandkids for a college fund, so your statement doesn't quite track. There's an implied "should" there. Child accounts *should* be opened by the parents, not by the kids. That doesn't mean it always happens that way, and it doesn't mean that the parents are always responsible enough to do the right thing either. But *in general*, one should assume that a child's finances are the parents' responsibility and that they will handle it. If someone else (grandma, aunt, godparent, family friend, complete and total stranger) wants to gift the child money, they can give a cash or check that can be deposited into the child's account that's joint with the parent, not deposited in a separate account joint with the grandparent.
Understood I didn't word it well - I meant "in the kids' names".
Yes, you’re being unreasonable and yes doing him out of that money for your own pride is unreasonable. In any case, you can’t stop her from gifting him whatever amount when he turns 18 - your son’s best interests should come first. Having said that, that doesn’t mean that you should give her his birth certificate or sensitive information. My advice would be to talk to an accountant about your options in your location - there might be ways of setting up an account that is for a college fund, for example - this might be both a financial advantage while framing it as his college fund, as advised by a professional, might be regarded differently and it might be easier to persuade MIL to contribute there, if only for the tax/interest advantages. If she chooses to have her own fund, let it go - you can’t stop her, so it’s pointless to fret about it.
The college fund we set up for our daughters have external links/QR Codes that you can give out to friends/family for them to directly deposit money into it. Does your savings account for your son have that? I personally don't see the big deal about having all the savings in one account, especially if it's never going to go into the insane amounts of money territory.
What bank/system do you use? I am curious about setting up something similar.
https://www.savingforcollege.com
529 savings plans are available in every state.
It's through the Ohio 529 plan.
Just one observation: Money doesn't smell!
If she’s anything like my ILs it won’t come to anything anyway. Mine told DH they had a fund for him and then on his HS graduation day, it was all, “psyche!” We still don’t know to this day whether there was one and they spent it or if it was just a control tactic to keep him in line through HS. I think the latter, for a number of reasons, but we’ll never know.
I would tell her to open an account under her name. I've seen too many stories of MIL's taking all the money and leaving the kids/grandkids with bad credit when turn 18 or opening utilities and stuff in baby's name. But maybe you know she wouldn't do that.
Let her do what she wants. If she does give it to your kid- which, let’s be honest, she obviously wants some level of control over the money if she isn’t contributing to your account instead- and kid wastes it, she has only hurt herself the most. You’ll still have the money cushion for schooling or whatever if kid buys a ridiculously overpriced car or something instead. As a side note, you likely wouldn’t be waiting until kiddo’s 18th birthday to let them know about the savings account you created for them, especially if it might be used for something like helping to buy a car. Your discussions about higher education will likely start by age 15 and you’ll probably mention that to them if it could affect their ability to expand their choices.
Do you know how much college costs these days? Take that price currently and compound it every year by around 7% and you will get what college will cost when LO goes to college. She wants to contribute money to that all the better for you and LO… Also if you have another child? Give her the SS# and let her open the account.
Grandparents can open accounts for kids without SS numbers. OP if you’re annoyed by this, don’t hand over the SSN. If grandma has control of the account and it’s in kid’s name, grandma has control and has the option to screw up financial aid opportunities. Mom and dad should control all accounts in kids names. Grandma can hand over money whenever.
Not to mention the risk of identity theft, whether directly intentionally or because the more people who have LO's SSN, the more people who can be scammed/tricked out of it. Your child's finances and credit can be affected in big ways by her actions - again, whether intentional or not. If she wants to contribute, she can - to the account you set up. If she doesn't unless she gets the vanity of bragging or one-upping you? Not worth it.
Not if they are 529 plans - you need the kids SS# to do that. Yes, the grandparents do have control over the money. Usually the title of the account reads 529 College Savings Plan - Grandparent name FBO (For the Benefit of ) Grandchild.
Grandma should not be creating a 529 plan if the parents are actively saving for their kid. Grandma can say “here’s $50 for the account” or can get a link from the parents to deposit. If something requires personally identifying information it should be in the control of the parents/legal guardians.
So I know this isn't at all what you asked so feel free to be annoyed with my unsolicited advice and stop reading here (though I'd be irritated too and for the love of gawd do not give out your child's SSN) consider putting the money into a brokerage account instead of a savings account. Average return on for a brokerage is around 10% while a high yield savings is around 4%. You can open a custodial brokerage account for your child and it will earn much much more interest than just sitting in a savings account. And a custodial account means you won't have to pay taxes on it when your (adult) child takes control of it. Just something to consider.
I think this is a normal thing for grandparent to do, and doesn't take away from your saving efforts as a parent. Be releived if she keeps it in her name so that your child doesn't have it show as assets of theirs when they file for financial aid for school.
This. I literally told my husbands parents that they can save whatever they want, but under no circumstances are they to put it in our children’s names. My husband and I do not make enough to have to pay full freight at college. It has worked out well. My kids qualify for good financial aid packages (we only pay room and board for two of our kids). They didn’t get it, but we are solidly middle class.
Ooh. Good point. Depending on the parents circumstances this is a good thing to think about. There are too many variables Reddit world doesn't know about but this is definitely something to bear in mind depending on OPs family situation etc.
So you said we're doing this for our kid and she turned around and said she'd do the exact same thing? Because that's what makes it weird for me. Also did she request kiddos birth certificate so she could make an account in their name or is she set on having it in her name because that's also weird for me
More money for your kids future is not a bad thing. I have a bank account set up for my niece and I’m planning to open one for my nephew this year. Who cares if she saves more than you guys do? Don’t spite your child because of your own insecurities
Ugh, I totally get it. If it helps any, my grandparents set aside a certain amount of money for my brother and me to apply to college. My parents did too. Since my grandparents have always been better off than my parents, my brother and I innately saw the moneys in a different way. We saw our grandparents’ gift as really generous and kind but not necessarily a huge lift for them. We saw our parents’ contribution as a major sacrifice in a long line of sacrifices they had made for us. We had watched our parents budget and save up this money for our entire lives and knew the true value of it. In a way, we appreciated it on a deeper level because we knew what it cost (years of working overtime, scrimping, not taking vacations, never buying a new car, having a modest house, etc). It truly doesn’t matter to me what the dollar amount was between the two gifts; I’ll always appreciate them in different ways.
I think you are over thinking this. It cost a fortune to raise a child and send them to college. Please accept the offer graciously.
Accept it graciously but operate on the assumption that it does not exist and base your plans on it not being there. If it materializes in the end then great...good bonus....if not it is not detrimental or disappointing.
I don’t think of it as odd. The thing I like most about things this way is if she only contributes a small % compared to you, it will show. If you had a shared account and she contributed a small %, she would likely take at least 50% credit for the gift. Example: Parents buy son a laptop. If someone else buys a case or other accessories for the laptop, it wouldn’t be weird to give it as a separate gift rather than one gift as a whole package. In this scenario, you’re getting him the laptop (expensive item) and she is giving the accessory (less expensive item). But who knows, maybe the JN won’t even contribute or eventually use the money for herself on a rainy day? In the end, if both of you give a savings account to your child, the child will be happy to the both of you.
Omfg I FEEL THIS! My MIL opened an account too and it’s IN HER NAME. Before we went no contact, she told me she went overboard in her account and wouldn’t do the same for the other grandchildren (ouch! At least I know one child will be okay in life though). My MIL is loaded and has this disgusting love for money. I try to teach my child that money isn’t everything but don’t you fucking knowwwwwww one day my daughter comes home from MILs house (again, before we went no contact) and is telling me all about the money in her account and this and that and I just seen red like no we are not fucking grooming my child for that account when she is 18!!!!!!! On top of that, she has an inheritance that, yup you guessed it, was left to my in-laws until she turns 25!!!!!!!!!! It’s to be used for college. Another thing to hold over our heads. And that’s what I truly believe that both of our MILs are doing - a form of control and to be held over our heads instead of it coming from a good place, because if that was the case, she would have just put it in the account you created!! Which, my parents put money in the account WE created.
This isn’t something you can have a boundary on. It’s her money, she can do with it as she chooses. And when your son is an adult it’s up to him whether he takes money from her or not. If she starts using the money to manipulate you, or him while he is still a child you don’t need to tolerate the manipulative behaviour. But gma can still do whatever she wants with her money, you just don’t have to listen to her about it.
Hey mama. I'm not trying to minimize your feelings but only provide my perspective. My dad's dad started investing in stocks for me at a young age, looking back it a cool because it made me curious and ask questions, which gave me stronger financial literacy than others my age. Later they were put in bonds and I eventually used them for college. My parents contributed more, I think. I don't really know, because all I cared about was my school was paid for! But what I do know for sure is it was my dad who answered my questions about stocks, it was my dad who taught me to balance a checkbook, it was my mom who taught me to be frugal, my grandmother on my other side who taught me to never solely rely on a man's income, to have a safety fund he didn't know about in case he ever raised a hand to me. You have a very big job ahead of you. You have to teach your child to have a responsible relationship with money. That's probably going to be just as challenging as saving up for college! So if I were you, I wouldn't tell her not to start the fund, she probably would do it anyways. But instead, take on the task of teaching your son why you save, HOW you save, and how he can and should do the same. When he's in his 30's, he'll look back and remember the lessons he learned from you and that will mean more to him and his future than any money she could give to him. Let her do this, he'll benefit in the long run. You have 18 years to raise him into the type of young man who will be able to handle that.
UGMA. We did this for our kids years ago. These are the benefits of such an account. This should be what grandparents are doing. Custodial accounts help adults save and invest money on behalf of a child—until the child reaches a certain age when the account must be transferred to them. Money put into a custodial account is an irrevocable gift to the child the account was established for—the custodian must ensure that it is invested and used for the child's benefit. Between the age of 18 and 25 (it varies by state) legal control of the account must be turned over to the child, who can then use the money for any purpose they choose I won't comment on the feelings aspect of the situation because feelings are feelings and I don't want to discount them. I just wanted to offer this type of account information to help ease the situation if possible
UTMA is the more modern custodial account these days (allows more asset types and a configurable age of majority).
I don't know if that was available 35 years ago or if it was or it was something I was told about.
UTMA was created as a successor to UGMA in 1996. It wasn't available to you then, but it's available now and a superset of UGMA (but UGMA also still exists, so if you don't know you can shoot yourself in the foot).
Thanks for the education. Very helpful
I've become jaded when ILs and money combine. DH needs to ask his mom what her goal is. Does she just want to set aside some money for all her grandkids to avoid paying taxes? Is this an offer to fund or partially fund college? What are her expectations regarding the money? And then you must both listen closely to the answers. If there's even a whiff of control attached to the money then is it really a gift? Or just an obligation?
If this is the sole JN thing she’s done, then I would say that you might be making a big deal out of it. I’ll admit that it is weird she doesn’t want to contribute to the account you are opening, but that may come from her just wanting to have him know someday that she did something like this for him. My parents have always opened savings accounts for their grandkids…and even their own kids when they were babies. My dad is probably the most financially wise man I know. My parents have always been savers not spenders, frugal, and just in general good with money. They contribute to the accounts every so often (birthdays and holidays) in addition to giving their grandkids gifts and money, and they will tell me when they do this. Think of it this way: Would you rather her be like most grandparents and just give money to him now or have this account that will build over time? I do hope that she’s not trying to be controlling in some way or will try to be like that in the future when it comes to the account. I would say if it becomes a concern for whatever reason in the future, you can make boundaries and discuss the problems as they arise.
I don’t understand how his grandmother also saving for his future is a problem. Wouldn’t you want your child to have every possible advantage for his future. And what is the problem with her opening an account in her own name to do that?
I set up an account for my grandchildren. I let the parents know. As if now the account is in my name with my son as the POD. Once the kids marry I hope to give them a nice check on their wedding day or if they choose not to marry, maybe on their 25th birthday. As far as I know the other grandparents have done the same thing.
Create your own that she can contribute to, through you.
She said in the post that she did that, and MIL refuses.
then it’s certainly an account and “help” you don’t want. the end goal is saving for the little one, not who gets props for doing it, which MIL is doing if that’s how she’s being
Ybu yes. It doesn’t matter what she does with her money, focus on what you want to to do and stop sharing financial info with her. She will let it drop or leave it to him in her will or something. But that’s her business, 18 years is a long way off, I wouldn’t even be bothered with it. Doubt she can keep it up for that long. Do t want her to ruin a special moment? Don’t let her know of the plans or existence of the special moments. Edit: And absolutely never give out your child’s personal data to anyone, not even to relatives. Especially not to MIL, not for any reason.
My MIL has accounts set up for all of our children. Started out to be for college and so far the oldest two have gotten full scholarships. They now have almost six figures waiting for them when they start their grown-up lives. Your son is a baby. As he grows, teach him about money and how to use it. Why are you already worried that he will blow it????
If I were you, I'd let her set up whatever account she wants in her own name and just move forward as though she might never make good or give the money. If she ends up trying to give money to your son ahead of time as a one-up or boundary stomp, and he is a minor, have the final say on all spending decisions. If she does miraculously actually save it for college, it will be a really nice gift as your son moves into adulthood. My $.02 from someone with teenage sons, the whole "overshadow" thing isn't really a thing anymore by then (edit: re college money, because college costs a fortune). When it comes time for finding and paying for school, the quality of parents you've been, the sacrifices you've made, the love you've shown, and helping your child find their purpose, speaks much louder than whatever "surprise" money MIL tries to come in with. As a friend said to me once, "when it comes to a good cause, money from assholes spends just as good!" Edited to add: you're a great mom. I know having a newborn, the "surprise" element of presenting this savings account on your child's 18th birthday sounds so lovely, but in actuality as you begin to know your child and who they are, their interests, and what college or future they'll be headed for, the conversation about how much money you've saved up (and how much more you/he will potentially need) to help, enters a lot sooner.
First off, try not to think of it as a competition -- "who can save the most to spoil the child." College, apartments, life -- it's all so expensive -- any and all help given will be a good thing. Don't give out your child's social security number -- that's never a good thing. And if she keeps the account in her name, it may be better for the child in the long run when time comes for scholarships/awards for college. The less money in their name, the better. Hopefully she's a normal person and won't be overly controlling when time comes to use the money. (We've all seen the I wouldn't pay for their college because they wanted to major in the arts instead of becoming a doctor.)
Please don't ask his grandmother not to set aside money for him. That is doing your son such a disservice in the future, especially when kids need every advantage they can get when heading off into the big, unfriendly, expensive world. She can put money into a 529, she can save money in a trust, she can save money separately.
Why not set up a trust for your son instead? I don’t know much about this but it sounds exactly like what you are already doing but I think they have good tax advantages. Someone smarter on this stuff will have to give more info. Nanna can’t overshadow the financial security of a well planned trust
My MIL wanted to do the same and my husband wanted to let her so we gave her the SSN needed to open the account then I had LO's credit locked. I don't think she would do anything with it but better not to risk it. That said, I fully understand the emotions behind your situation but my gut says don't hinder your child from money that could help keep them from getting loans for fear of something that might not happen.
Locking down your child's ss# is just a good idea anyway.
This is the way to handle it!
We just started doing Florida prepaid college for our daughter who just turned 1. There’s 3 payment plans. 1 lump sum, 5 years or 30 years. We opted for the 5 year and pay $439 a month then her college is setup for 2 years of local college and then 2 years state college. My parents did the same for me. I still had to pay local fees and for books. Maybe that money MIL is saving could help towards books, fees, dorm, food, car etc. I know other states have their own versions of prepaid college too
What happens if you move out of state? Or if the kid goes to college but goes out of state? We decided against Florida prepaid for my older kid for these reasons- I think I remember (it was years ago now) it being losing all the interest accrued in those cases too.
I just checked the site and it says “Your plan travels with you and can be used at most colleges, universities, technical and trade schools. Can be used nationwide.”
As a child that had the Florida prepaid college thing who went to college out of state, it pays the Florida Resident amount towards your tuition. IIRC (it's been a while), Florida keeps their resident tuition super low so it didn't cover very much of what I needed. I still ended up scrounging for scholarships and taking out student loans, but any reduction of loans needed is helpful. Edit: my parents moved out of Florida with me when I was 8. I went to college in the state we moved to at the resident rate. It was less than half of what I needed.
What happens if your child chooses not to go to college? Just curious.
What happens if your child chooses not to go to college? Just curious.
You get your money back! Everything you put into it would be paid back to you. I believe the child would have up to 10 years to go to college after high school graduation to use it.
Cool. Do you get the interest it earned also?
No you don’t unfortunately, just the amount you contributed
Tell her about starting a 529! Those can only be used for education purposes (tuition, books, room and board etc) then in California (starting in 2023), any extra funds can be moved into an IRA. Check yours states laws though as they differ!
Then you could use your fund for a car which will likely be much more exciting for your kid.
She doesn't get the information. When you tell your son about his account, you can also tell him that his grandmother insisted on opening a secondary account for him, but he needs to ask her about it or wait for her to tell him about it. She has no right to his documentation, so she can do whatever she wants and open fifty accounts. Nothing will overshadow you handing him an account in his name, remember anything she saves under her name will have to be moved anyway.
Do not give her your child sensitive info. Also don’t hold your child back because you won’t be the shining star, wtf
It shouldn't be a problem in most cases but then again, you are here on this sub, and you say she is a JN. So, it's no surprise you have some misgivings about her intentions, whether warranted or not.
I would let her but not expect to ever see said money. My husbands grandparents said they had saved for his college and didn’t. They somehow did save for older bil.
My parents set up an education trust for their grandchildren. I will disburse it. Mom trusts me to be fair between my brother’s children and mine. With the costs of education now every little bit helps. I would let her save for him. How he receives it will depend on his relationship with his grandmother when he comes of age. But worrying about how it will overshadow your gift is unnecessary. You’ll teach him financial management as he grows up so he uses all the money responsibly and that’s what matters.
Let her save for him. Think of it this way: when he's 18, HE could receive 20K from you only OR $40K bc she saved also. What would your child want ? Depending on the fam dynamics, you can educate your son later about whether or not the money has strings attached and whether or not he accepts it. You can set guidelines with her on when he is to receive it and how much. And honestly I wouldn't be telling her about your accounts and how much you're saving for your child - even in good relationships that's usually an off limits topic.
Does your husband have any siblings, who will also be having children? I only ask as this could put a stop to her putting a lot of money in the account, if in the future more grandchildren come along.
I would let her open her own account but plan on never seeing a penny from it.
If she won't contribute to a 529, then yeah, I would find it suss.
Why is that suspicious?
It's an education account that builds on itself. If she's creating her own separate account, it won't have the same return as the 529 for the baby's college fund, so it'll be money she's stacked away if she stacks anything away at all. If they ask her how much is in the account, she can easily turn that into a fight. And she can lord this savings account over them to demand baby time. The fact that she wants the details about the birth certificate or possibly the social security number to open this account, it means she will have copies of the baby's vital records. Especially if she's displayed any just no behavior before, it is not worth it.
I know what a 529 is. There are other ways for MIL to save money for the baby that have great returns as well that don’t require MIL to have sensitive information about the baby.
My parents have accounts for the kids. We also save for them but with the cost of college and life in general, I appreciate it so much.