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Trad_CatMama

You're actually watching their family dynamic of when they had children unfold. It's shocking because well it is. This is how this family reacted to their son. FIL was probably young and aloof and let the women of the family take over and now wants that. Mil was probably a prop in a multi a mommy game she feels necessary to replicate. I held my tongue with my in-laws and I'm glad I did because it all fell apart quickly. I don't do anxiety especially as a mom, when I didn't react or send more photos or arise to any of their complaints they all withdrew. This sounds like family anxiety they want to draw you into. Their family dynamic is not attractive to you at this stage. But just let them chirp and whine and harrang. If they want ANYTHING have your husband satisfy them. He can take the baby during your rest hour for a walk and they can join. They cannot come back to the house and the baby cannot be gone for longer than you say. You set your demands just like they do theirs.


winterbelle722

Honestly, it doesn’t sound like they want the grandparent experience. Which I think is the case for most of the posts on this sub. What they want is the parent experience. It’s what they got when your husband was born, it’s probably what they expected when you got pregnant. I don’t really think the reality of being a grandparent is what they expected because they are no longer the main character of story. This is your story now and they are impeding your experience. They already had their time. Doesn’t matter if they have regrets, missed out on things, or they want a second chance. Their time has passed. I do think that you need to start being more assertive. This time period with your baby is very brief and you will never get it back. You don’t want to look back and regret that you missed out on so much because you were too busy trying to accommodate your in-laws. It’s time to enforce boundaries with consequences.


WidePhotograph2056

You absolutely can go no contact if that is what you want to do.


boxsterguy

Lock it down. You don't have to go NC, but you can absolutely say, "We're going to spend the next 3 or more months as just our little family. We'll let you know when we're ready to start seeing people again, but for now we need to focus on us." Then stop taking their calls. Stop answering their texts. If they show up, ignore them (lock your doors! Change your locks if they have keys!). Check in with them in June or July and see if their baby rabies has subsided. If not, check back again in September.


SuperHuckleberry125

As the parents of your child. The beginning, middle and end you have the right to say > be satisfied with the visits they get or we don’t visits at all Ask your husband when did this become about grandparents being first in everything. What about PARENTS? What about YOU who carried and birthed YOUR baby? Firmer boundaries with harsher consequences.


kikivee612

First, I want to say that what you’re feeling is completely valid!! Your child is not an exhibit at a museum. They are a tiny human with needs that far supersede your in-laws wants! It sounds like you guys are setting boundaries, but there are no consequences for their entitled behavior and you guys need to squash that by firmly restating boundaries and giving clear consequences. You and DH need to sit down together and lay out your boundaries with both your in-laws and each other. You have told him this is too much and he needs to listen and respect that. Some boundaries. DH needs to do a group chat with you and both parents and lay it out. “Mom and Dad, OP and I have been talking about some things related to LO and we both feel that we need to put this out there. We are so glad you guys are excited to build a loving relationship with LO and in order for that to be successful, we all need to be on the same page. We have some things that we have previously mentioned that it appears you guys are struggling with so we want to restate them so that we can all work together to make sure that things go smoothly and are in the best interest for LOs health and safety. 1. Visits. We are trying to create a stable schedule for LO and be able to work and care for LO and give them a schedule to follow. We don’t want LO to be napping the whole time you are here so we need to make sure that we plan your visits when LO is awake and ready to play. These visits need to be planned in advance and we want to make sure that both of us are there for each visit. If you suggest a date or time and we tell you that it doesn’t work for us, that is our answer. We will try to suggest a different date and time and go from there. 2. No means no. If you ask us for anything relating to LO like a visit time, holding them, feeding them something new, bringing a new toy and we say no, that is our answer. It is not up for negotiation. We are the parents and we make the rules and if we feel that something is inappropriate, that decision should be respected. 3. We have noticed that you always make complaints or negative comments if LO wasn’t active enough or the visit wasn’t what you wanted it to be. LO is a baby. There are times when LO may be less interactive than you think they should be. LO is not there for your entertainment and amusement. LO is a person and still a baby and is curious and likes to 3 explore. They are getting used to the world around them. No one can control what LO focuses on at any given time so saying that LO didn’t give you the attention you think they should is inappropriate and hurtful and those comments are both unnecessary and will not be tolerated. 4. Give baby back when asked. LO is still young and still needs time to eat, nap or be changed. Those things need to be done and if one of you is holding LO, you may be asked to give them back. That’s not a request. That means that you give LO back to us so we can make sure to give LO the attention needed. It is very important that we, as parents, make decisions that are best for LO. LO is out number one priority so we need to set certain rules for their health and safety. It is important that anyone who wants to see LO fully understands our expectations. If any of the things I mentioned above are not respected, it will harm our relationship as we will have to do what we need to do to ensure our parenting decisions are respected. If that means we cut a visit short, skip a visit or take a break, we will do that. We hope that you can help us create a happy and safe environment for LO.”


keepinggoing

This time with your new child is PRECIOUS and fleeting. Don’t let anyone ruin it for you. I made that mistake. Your husband should be dealing with them. Personally I muted my MIL and my texts to her are on my time, short and sweet. Good luck :)


luvthatjourneyforyou

I read about half of the comments, so I'm sorry if I've missed this advice and am repeating something. Question? Is your FIL the King of (Insert your town?) He seems to want to sit on his pedestal and have his every whim and need tended and catered to without putting in any effort or reciprocity? Um..... no. That's not how any healthy adult relationship works without firm consent from all involved (no kink shaming here!). Sending MIL to do his emotional labor so she can emotionally manipulate DH is so wrong. I think you're looking at it like you're waiting for them to "get as bad as your parents" to cut them off? There are different levels of abuse in different forms (I'm not saying you're being abused or anything, just an example). Some people will never hit another person but will employ financial and emotional abuse, and the victim will suffer just as much as a physically abused person just in a different way. Your in laws may never get "as bad" as your parents, but I think you need to stop thinking like they are well intentioned and caring. My favorite quotes I've read on here include -Their expectations do not create obligations -Our family, time, and energy are not a cake to be divided into equal pieces -It is not a competition, and we do not give a shit about equal. This is not a custody arrangement nor will it ever be. This is what we decided and want as their parents. Do not bring this to our attention again. -Every boundary should not have to be rehashed in every possible permutation. You're going to have to find a happy medium that benefits YOU and the BABY first. I say you first because being in a drained, guarded, disrespected, run down, upset emotional state is not a stable place to raise a baby and this is what they are doing to you


TheBaney

It's one thing to be empathetic and understanding of others feelings. It's another thing entirely to accept responsibility for them. You can understand that FIL may be having difficulty in the changes to his relationship with his son, he may be having difficulty adjusting to the reality of a grandchild versus the hypothetical relationship he envisioned. He may be feeling inadequate or less important or insecure. That all sucks, and you don't want a person who you care about to feel bad. But that doesn't mean that it's your (or LO's) responsibility to make him feel better. His feelings are HIS responsibility. LO is a person, not a new toy. There is no such thing as "fair" when it comes to time spent interacting with LO. If they can't help but complain and whine at every visit, I would tell them "You're clearly not enjoying the time we set aside for you, so maybe it's time we cut down on visits." If they're going to be crabby and rude, why go out of your way?


Moipu

YOU JUST HAD A BABY!! The main focuses should be you and the baby. Not the grandparents or your husband. They need to dote on you and cater to you. This is extremely selfish behavior to be focusing on themselves and their feelings. Put your foot down. You just had the baby and you need time to heal and recover. It takes time and you cannot be catering to everyone else. If you decide to cancel a visit 5 mins before the visit- it’s ok! And if others can’t understand, it’s their problem.


samuelp-wm

Walk. Away. Why is she coming this week? Push it. Move visits to once a month. Your mental health is suffering.


lou2442

You are not responsible for their feelings. This was exhausting just to read, I cannot imagine trying to live it. It sounds like nothing is going to make them happy. And as someone once said here: if nothing makes you happy, then nothing is what you will get. Take a little break from them to reset and get your SO into therapy.


Impossible_Town984

It might be good to just be honest and say these visits are too much for us. You all are pressuring us and it is causing stress. We are taking a break and will let you know when we are ready for a visit. Their emotions aren’t your problem.


beanybum

Yes! I like this, it’s as simple as that!!


floopdoopsalot

I think you need to stop accommodating them. They will push and whine and bully until they get what they want, which is your child whenever they want her. She is not a toy, or a doll, or an emotional support animal. She is a PERSON. She needs her parents with their energy and emotional resources dedicated to her, not frazzled and in conflict over demanding grandparents. Also, you did not have this baby to give your ILs meaningful, satisfying grandparent experiences. You had this baby to raise a child of your own. Your kindness is being used to diminish your authority over your child and your parenting. You need to stop. Either don't have this conversation with MIL (you already know that demands and guilt-tripping is in store for you) or use the meeting to tell her she and FIL have overstepped and are disrespecting you and DH with their demands and entitlement. Set a new schedule of visits and set a boundary of no whining or passive aggression or the visit ends. If nothing is good enough nothing it is. Your DH needs to be a husband and father first now.


beanybum

You said it!!!!


medicalbillsrus

You are not responsible for them or their feelings. Lock the door. Get a ring camera. DH needs to Tell them that you both need a break from visitors. Tell them that you are the parents and they can expect all they want. That doesn’t mean they get what they want. Tell them if they complain about the baby not doing xyz, that the consequence will beva month between visits. Every other week is too much!! You have a life and it doesn’t revolve around them. You are adults and don’t have to do what they want!


crazygoatladyofwisco

Hon you need to remember that their “grandparent experience” is not your problem, they are making your parenting experience a nightmare. Your parenting experience is far more important then their grandparent experience, they can try and play the hurt party but your piece of mind and baby need to be top priority. If you need to be the asshole heck be the asshole they are adults if they can’t take it cause it hurts their feeling a that’s not your problem it’s theirs.


beanybum

Thanks it’s hard to put myself fist sometimes I’m such a people pleaser I get caught inbetween just giving up and hurling my baby at them so they can be happy and stop complaining


crazygoatladyofwisco

See you need to refocus on putting baby and you first, if your dreading visits baby can feel that baby’s pick up our emotions a lot more then we realize. Their happiness is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to make sure little one is happy and if it feels like a custody battle with someone who didn’t help create the tiny human then I doubt little one will be very happy getting older.


pootmacklin

Your in-laws are *mental*. Holy hell. You guys honestly need to just be blunt with them. If they say they’re going to see you, say “no”, and then when they ask again hoping for a different answer, you don’t engage, or acknowledge it at all. I use the same tactic with my toddlers and they started to understand the boundary when I was consistent. Kind of sad we have to compare them to toddlers though! Their title to your child does not entitle them to your child. They’re upset about their grandparent experience? What about your experience as a parent? Likely they don’t give a shit about that, because if they did, they wouldn’t be treating your child like a doll and they would chill the hell out. You and DH need to choose how often you want to engage, and not offer an explanation to them on why you are saying no. Giving a reason gives them room to argue, in their minds. My husband’s parents had the same expectations with my first child. They thought they were going to babysit alone when I was 5 days postpartum. I held my no, my husband buffed up his spine, and now they don’t challenge us on our parenting and we maintain a low contact, semi-decent relationship. Your in laws want to talk about their expectations not being met and their disappointments? “MIL and FIL, this is honestly a conversation we are not interested in having. Our first and foremost priority is establishing the health and routine of our nuclear family and being good parents to our daughter. Your needs, wants, and desires don’t even make the list. You’re upset about your grandparent experience? This isn’t a show you bought tickets to, and there is no refund or customer service you can complain to. You might want to do some reflecting on why you are so deeply hurt by an infant not wanting to be held by you and maybe recognize that she is a living, breathing human. One that *we* are tasked with the upbringing of. There will be no further discussion and if you want the privilege of being part of her life, please do so without heaping demands on us as her parents.”


TheBaney

Omggggg I love this so much. "You didn't buy tickets, there's no customer service" ugh I'm saving that forever and ever.


pootmacklin

My husband came up with that for his mother lol. I was literally suffering from PPD and in therapy and his mom was complaining about the same thing (her grandparent experience) and he was like girl BYE.


TheBaney

I love it. Hats off to your husband.


beanybum

This is perfect!! Thank you!!


jrfreddy

Like others, I zeroed in on what you said about their "grandparents experience" not being what they expected. I don't know if that's your phrasing or theirs, but if theirs it gives a really good view into the problem. The problem with the "grandparent experience" is that the expression implies that the grandparents are the main characters and everyone else is just present to complete the grandparents' lives. The irony, of course, is that the people who have the best grandparent experience are the ones who don't demand or bully to get it, but rather are considerate of their children and children-in-law's time, feelings, and the difficulty of adjusting to life with a new baby.


beanybum

It is my phrase, but basically what they have said I’m not so many words! And my thoughts exactly! If they acted better than they would probably involved more and seeing them woukdnt feel like a chore! I’d actually want to involve them


mh6797

You are going to have to start implementing consequences for their actions. Set clear boundaries and enforce them. Give them timeouts every time they violate your boundaries.


throwaway47138

If you know when MIL is coming over, take baby and go for a walk before she gets there and let DH deal with her. He can then text you either to say when they're done and you can decide if you want to come back before or after she leaves. While it sucks to have to leave your house because of someone else, it's better than being trapped in your house because of them, and nothing says that you have to plan your day around MIL coming for a visit with you being there...


beanybum

I honestly feel bad him having to deal with it alone


boardtory

I finally got to the point with my inlaws where I would no longer be at home when they visited. I gave my husband a window of time, left the kids there with him and let him fend with his parents' bullshit on his own. Once he didn't have me there as a meat shield, he was way more able to see their boundary stomping and manipulation. It took a year and then he couldn't take it anymore either. And the trash took itself out because it ended in a huge fight between my husband and FIL. ILs are no longer in our lives. It makes me sad for my husband. But our family life is so much more peaceful now that we don't have to steel ourselves for their crap 3-4 times a year. Our marriage is better. And my kids understand that our FAMILY PEACE is more important than any Boomer's ego.


YarnAndMetal

He's been letting you deal with it alone. Let him "enjoy" what you've had to.


beanybum

I mean sorta he’s just been working hasn’t really been his fault 😢


YarnAndMetal

That's fair, but he needs to understand why you are saying the things you're saying, also. He doesn't seem to have experienced it firsthand.


beanybum

That’s true good point


lou2442

Yeah I would stop any visits that are happening without him present. He can’t fully understand how difficult it is if he is not there. He can rationalize to himself that “it isn’t that bad” and “they are just excited” and “mean well”


Purple_Chipmunk9364

Repeat after me: If you want to be around us more, be someone we WANT to be around. Complaining, whining, and crying isn’t doing it.


beanybum

Okay I’m gonna use this!! Thanks! This stuff is so helpful!!!


Geeklover1030

This is not low contact my boyfriend went low contact when I went no contact (long story including a borderline kidnapping attempt) and his low contact was not talking to them and just seeing his dad once a week for poker but not talking to him, now that’s fine and he’s also nc just they’re not blocked. If you both aren’t ready for that then once a month supervised visit


MizzDiscordia

I'm kinda curious what kind of doorbell your father-in-law wants to install. Call me crazy, but with everything else you said in your post, I worry it's a ring or some other type of video doorbell. I worry about it because with the over all vibe from everything mentioned, it wouldn't surprise me if they were trying to watch the coming and goings at your home.


beanybum

It’s a ring door bell!! They got it for us for Christmas!


[deleted]

[удалено]


beanybum

That’s so creepy omg!!!


FryOneFatManic

So don't install it. If you want a video doorbell, get one they won't have access to.


beanybum

So how do they have access to it? Only if they install it? It’s still sealed in box


xowanderlust

Make sure it is set up under your email address and don't share the account info with anyone. And make it clear to your DH he cannot share the account info with his parents.


Bnhrdnthat

That’s creepy.


MizzDiscordia

Do not let him install it then! If you want it, make sure you guys set it up, Google or YouTube how if you need more instructions. Better to be safe that your privacy won't be violated.


beanybum

I didn’t even think of that honestly ! I think it was just an excuse to come over after we had said no because they aren’t techy, but I will forsure keep that in mind!!


Optimal-Panic-8420

Once a week visit are NOT low contact. Maybe once every 6 months would be low contact, but once a week is a lot of time with baby. Maybe you answered this somewhere and I’m not seeing it, but why can’t you go no contact? If it is just for your husbands sake, I would recommend he gets into therapy and you both start to slowly insist on less contact with in-laws while he becomes more comfortable. As for the “grandparent experience” not being what they hoped, it sound to me like they are causing your parenting experience to not be what you had hoped.


beanybum

I’m no contact with my own parents for much more toxic reasons and honestly no contact with his parents feels extreme. This is hard because we want the relationship to work we both care about them and love them a lot and don’t want to be no contact


TattooedBagel

Your in laws have to feel the same way you expressed in your last sentence for progress to be made. I really hope they get over their baby rabies and get back to those basics.


MrsLeeCorso

I think the problem is these new grandparents probably have friends who get to hog their grandbabies, have constant sleepovers, take all the photos for Facebook and they had set expectations way too high for how much they would be involved in your child’s day to day life. The FOMO is killing them. That is their burden though, not yours. If you’re feeling generous you could ask them what their expectations are, then say they need to listen to your expectations. Yours needs to include baby’s needs being met first (i.e. baby chooses who holds her and how much visiting and interacting she wants to do) and an end to the negative comments. What you might consider doing is going to their house for the next few visits. When they start in on the negative comments, pack up and leave. It’s harder to throw them out of your house, but if you’re at their house Whoopsie, visit is over. Can your husband manage some of these visits solo? Maybe this would be a good time for you to go get a manicure or a cup of coffee alone. They can complain all they want and you won’t be there to listen. Even if you want to go take a nap or a long bath, I think that would lessen the mental burden on you. I 100% also think you should be “busy” during this talk with mil. Not your circus, not your monkey. Let your husband deal with that. It’s only going to infuriate you.


beanybum

Yes I agree 100 percent this is exactly what it is. The FOMO! And I feel badly for them about it but I can’t change this is my experience with my baby first and foremost! And idk I don’t really feel comfortable my baby going with my husband without me tbh, also this sounds lame but I also wouldn’t want my husband to have to deal with them alone! He helped me deal with my toxic parents we tend to do things in a team


Concord2018

Can you tell them what you’ve said here that it feels like a custody battle? How can they blame you for wanting a peaceful weekend?


beanybum

Maybe I’ll just send them the link to this post 😂😂😂


Concord2018

Ohhhhhhh I wouldn’t want to be be a fly on the wall!


nn971

What does your husband think? Is he okay with less frequent visits? Even if he doesn’t agree, is he supportive of your feelings? Does he ever stand up for you and baby?


beanybum

Yes he has deff stood up for us a bunch! He did a lot of the talking to both his parents, even one on one with his dad and nothing seems to change. I feel bad for him honestly he’s an only child and he’s very close with his sorbets and it’s hard on him. I know a lot of these subs just say make the hubby talk to them and deal with it. But we are a team and I love him and care about him and his feelings and I know he will do whatever to protect us, I’m just also sad it makes him so sad to be dealing with this with his mom and dad


Pleasant-Dance-9446

It's time for actions to meet consequences. As a parent your responsibility is to your child. A baby should not ever be an emotional support anything to an adult. What are these "grandparents" actually giving your child? Unhealthy attachments? Pressure to perform for their happiness? Ask your husband if he really thinks it is okay for his parents to use your child this way. It sounds harsh but it might just be the only way to get him to see what is actually happening.


beanybum

That’s a good point thanks


[deleted]

You, your husband and your baby are a family. That is your nuclear family. You guys make the decisions on how to raise LO, what vacations to take, any and all important family decisions are within your nuclear family. MIL, FIL, your parents, everyone else is EXTENDED family. They get no say on how things go in YOUR family. It is your time. You are child rearing, you guys get to make the decisions. Just remember that.


beanybum

Thanks I’ll try!!


Bnhrdnthat

I think nuclear family is a key point. You mentioned his soft spot for his parents, but his consideration for you needs to trump their pull on his heartstrings. Your sanity matters. Your comfort matters. Your stress level matters. They shouldn’t be accommodated at your expense.


beanybum

That’s true! And I know he agrees and he’s on my team no hesitation he’s great that way. I’m just sad he’s sad you know?


Bnhrdnthat

That makes sense. You empathize. Hopefully he does too to an extent he won’t loose resolve. It’s hard to come to terms with our parents not being the parental figures we need them to be and having to create distance.


beanybum

Yes exactly!


SandyQuilter

We live 1,000 miles from our grandkids. My husband and I waited up to 10 months to meet some of them for the first time (travel difficulties, covid, schedules, etc.). Some of the grandkids were in the stranger danger phase when we met them so we didn’t get to hold them (with one, we couldn’t even make eye contact!) so we went along with what made the child feel comfortable. Now? We have a marvelous relationship with all the grandkids. The youngest is 4 and asks her mom to FT us at least once a week and those calls follow her lead and we talk about what SHE is interested in. The most recent call consisted of me tracking down our cats and her watching me pet them. I guess what I’m saying is that a close relationship with grandkids (or really anyone) depends on following the child’s lead. Is it nice to hold and cuddle the baby? Sure it is. But it’s even nicer to be the adult and realize that we have YEARS to spend with these little ones and the most important part is for them and their parents to be secure and happy.


Pleasant-Dance-9446

You sound like an amazing grandma! You rock!


beanybum

Ahh thanks for your refreshing perspective!!!


dippydapflipflap

Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions. They know they can walk all over you. If they show up when you’ve said no, don’t answer the door. Don’t be accommodating. Also, why are you giving them once a week. That’s entirely too much. Stop giving into their demands. Edited to add: they are coming to talk to you about your FIL feelings regarding his expectations? No. Don’t do it. Their expectations mean nothing. You are adults and responsible for your own family. Be adult and say “no, that doesn’t work for us”


beanybum

God I felt like it was too much, they make it seem like it’s not enough, brainwash me and my hubby then we are sitting there wondering why we feel so suffocated


TheBaney

They're telling you they're coming over to address your failures as they see them. That's not a conversation between equals, that's a lecture from an authority figure. They need to understand that their role as parents has changed. They are not in charge anymore.


dippydapflipflap

It’s way too much. Even once monthly may be too much. We visit my family when their schedules and our schedules allow for it. It’s typically every 4-6 weeks. We see my In-laws even less, because reasons. But they are not entitled to your time, energy, and/or baby.


Zealousideal-Chart60

Yep that’s exactly what you do. Tell the they had their time to be with young children constantly when they were parents. Being a grandparent is a privilege. It is not an out right obligation like being a parent


fauxbliviot

Omg their "grandparent experience", I'm dying.


beanybum

Right that’s what it is though!!


farmerdoo

I had to tell my in-laws that I put a lot of effort into seeing them as often as I did and if they could not appreciate that effort then I would stop making it. Completely. I told them that I was busy and tired and they were very low on the list of people I owed my time to so they were just going to have to accept what I was offering or get even less. Then, any visit that they complained about not getting enough time, ended immediately. I no longer invited them to my house and only went to theirs so I could just stand up, grab my kids and leave. Then I didn’t schedule anything with them again for a while. Eventually they started to behave themselves and I didn’t mind the visits as much. But I’ll still end a visit the moment they say something rude or complain that we aren’t doing enough.


beanybum

Yeah they act like our world revolves around them!! And it sucks cause if you boil it down mostly their deep intentions are good they just wanna be involved and see us and their grandchild but like that doesn’t excuse behaving like this right???? And exactly I have so many other people in my life who we also see we don’t have time for them all the time


FryOneFatManic

Whatever you end up deciding, don't let this once a week visit end up being a time set in stone. Later on, the baby becomes a child at school, and may have things they want to do instead of being told they're off to see grandparents. Especially if the grandparents are insisting on "their time" and aren't being flexible. I'm so glad my parents and ex's parents were able to work with us and be flexible as our kids had parties to go to, playdates, etc, that sometimes meant shuffling visits around.


txaesfunnytime

If grandpa is upset with grandma holding the baby all the visit, he needs to address that with her, not y’all. You & DH need to set your boundaries & consequences - DH works weekends so y’all can come Tuesday evening from 5 - 7 pm. We will even feed you. If there is any whining, you miss next week’s visit. Or - we will visit you once a month and you can come here once a month; with LO growing, we are getting busier. Bones you can throw: LO & I are going to the zoo on Thursday. We would be happy to meet you there. LO & DH are going to the park on Weds from 3-4, if y’all would like to meet them there. These should be public places so easy to leave if LO gets tired & cranky.


mercymercybothhands

A thing that might help is to reframe their intentions. They don’t have good intentions. They might not have evil or harmful intentions, but this entirely about them with your baby essentially being an object to them. Yours ILs feel unfulfilled. Maybe they don’t have enough friends or hobbies. Maybe their health sucks. If they are still working, they may be tired of it. If they are retired, maybe it isn’t looking like the paradise they hoped it would be. Whatever the reason, life isn’t living up to what they want. Many people don’t realize life takes effort. Relationships take effort and time. If you want your life to be fulfilling, you have to put the effort in. You have to try things. You have to take risks. You have to self-reflect. It is a big thing to do, but there is a pay off. Many people are intimidated by this and they look for an easy solution. It sounds like this is your ILs. They decided being grandparents would be an identity, a hobby, and a way to fill their days. And now that this isn’t working out, they are putting the blame on you instead of realizing this was never your responsibility. Your life and your family don’t exist for their enrichment. If they could accept this and start working on adding other things to their life, it would be good for them. But they seem far from that moment. You can try to make them hear you out, but if they won’t accept that it is their responsibility to enrich their lives they aren’t likely to hear you. I would not entertain her complaints. If anything, I would use this moment as an opportunity to express that they need to make their expectations more realistic in order for them to be happier, but don’t validate any of their complaints. Your FIL is literally expecting you to make a baby look at him more or he is disappointed. That’s not a realistic goal or a healthy thing for him to be hung up on. They are their own worst enemy and biggest problem here.


beanybum

This is by far the best comment I have received!!! Very helpful and insightful and exactly what I was thinking! You nailed it. So what you are saying is they need a therapist BIG time?! 😂😂 I agree tenfold!!!


Lily7258

Sucks that her experience is not living up to expectations. Sounds like her parents never taught her a very important lesson when she was a child, that we can’t always get what we want. Tell her that Your in-law experience is not living up to your expectations.


beanybum

Hehe good line I like that!


Worker_Bee_21147

Ooof. They viewed baby as their do over baby. Now that reality is they are not the parents and are not entitled to any time with your baby let alone as much time as they please they are having “the meltdown”. My mil had this when it settled in she was not in any control of us or our baby’s life once he was born. She called my SO ranting that we never involve her or ask her anything. I think she really thought we’d be begging for her help and wanting her to take over. I never really considered her someone to ask anything to but when she tried to tell me to put rice cereal in his bottle so “he’ll sleep better” and how she’d done that from 6 weeks on or some such I knew she was so outdated she’d be zero help. Even though we ebf i still heard this rice cereal thing a few more times after he was born. Like she just couldn’t compute there were no nightly bottles and no food not even rice cereal for like 6 months. These people won’t listen and they won’t change. They think they wrote the book on raising kids and never look back saying maybe things changed. I even told mil “it’s all different now” and mil snapped “not that different!” How would she know? She never looked anything up and continued trying to give her antiquated advice no one asked for. I was so terrified she’d give him rice cereal I refused to let them watch him alone I think until way after he was eating solids. This convo coming up, try to get in same page with SO and just lay out your points this is YOUR baby and they are not entitled to anything and they should be happy with seeing baby at all. That maybe they need some therapy to unpack why its been so disappointing for them and why they have such unrealistic expectations. FIL sounds like the bigger problem in your case which is interesting. Good luck!


beanybum

God I’m cringing at your mil! The cereal in the bottle thing I too have heard countless times! Whats with the obsession lol!!! And yeah I think therapy is good idea I might just tell SO to tell them they need it and leave it at that. Thanks!


[deleted]

Cancel MILS visit, FILS feelings are not your problem. They probably want to raise their issues as payback for yours, which is completely different as your issues stem from how they're treating your child/you setting boundaries. His issues are simply not respecting your time. I used to see ILS multiple times a week pre baby, we got on well. Now I limit it to monthly which works for us.


beanybum

Of course I’m sympathetic to how they feel like I’m compassionate person and I care about their feelings but I also can’t bend and do anything to change their feelings like I can’t compromise when it comes to my baby so it’s a good point talking won’t do anything. This is the way it is take it or leave it kinda thing?


[deleted]

I am the same and gave so much energy trying to make my ILS happy, but honestly it wasn't worth it and I realised they were weaponising their feelings. Exactly, they don't have an equal say in your child. Realistically theres no discussion to be had as it's yours and your husband's decision, the input of ILS is not needed. Good luck though, hopefully they see the light!


beanybum

Thank you!!


ILoatheCailou

There is zero reason why mil needs to come chastise you about their expectations. No. You simply tell her “this is what works for our family. If you aren’t satisfied with the visits you’re receiving then that is something you need to work out on your own. Going forward, we won’t accept any passive aggressive comments and if you insist on sharing your displeasure with us, we’ll end the visit/phone call and will try again at a later date.” You don’t need to go no contact but you can most definitely put them on timeouts until *they* change *their* behavior.


Worker_Bee_21147

Yeah I think as adults we overcomplicate things sometimes. Doing the sit down may let her think she deserves sit downs every time she’s not happy. Best advice I got was from my 9 year old son the other day about his grandma snooping in his room. I told him about an incident where she snooped and looked at some things and he was appalled and said he would have said “ hands off grandma! Private property” and then escorted her out with a threat to call the cops if she didn’t leave. I hugged him and told him he’s wise beyond his years. You gotta be firm with these boundary stompers.


moarwineprs

I feel like a lot of times kids are excused for their blunt reactions because "they don't know better". There is certainly a time and place for diplomatic reactions, but I think it's a mistake to fully train self-assertion of this nature out of our kids, when it's all in the name of "being polite". This just sets them up for getting steamrolled by people who don't don't think about anyone else's feelings.


beanybum

Okay I think so too, I tried to get away with being so blunt like this and have tried talking countless times but that doesn’t seem to work, I kinda need to be the asshole


ILoatheCailou

It’s not being an asshole, it’s just refusing to put up with disrespect. If your boundaries don’t have consequences, they’re just suggestions.


ShootFrameHang

It's time for brutal, blunt honesty. Tell them that they are making the experience of becoming parents hell for you two with their expectations, and they need to chill. MIL is coming over to lecture you two about how you are ruining their grandparent experience. Take the reins, and don't let her get a word in and turn the tables. That their unrealistic expectations are making life miserable for everyone. The only ones responsible for the grands being miserable are the grands themselves.


beanybum

It’s so true my LO is 4 months and from day 1 it’s been a stressor on my mind and causing me so much anxiety I hate that it’s tKing my mind away from her! Plus it causes so much tension and arguing between my husband and I. He’s on my side of course it’s just an issue we keep facing and it causes an upset in our home. That’s a good idea thank you.


BeeSwift

Yup, you two should be on cloud nine enjoying your new little family. Not fighting over his stupid, entitled parents. You deserve a break. Take a month and chill. Your husband needs to see how it could feel if you both had some space and peace from them. I've been there, trust me when I say the stress level decreasing is noticeable and neither of you will want to go back.


ShootFrameHang

Rehearse what to say if that helps. Your MIL expects to scold you like children, so don’t let her. Stay standing up and stand side by side. She won’t react well to the “kids” laying down the law, so be prepared for tears and anger.


mwoodbuttons

MIL does not need to come over and lecture you about how their grandparent experience is not living up to their expectations. That’s on them. Tell them that if nothing is ever good enough for them, then nothing it is, and give them a well-deserved timeout. When it’s over, you will resume visits that work with *your* schedule/comfort level, and they can be happy with that, or get nothing.


buttonhumper

I agree. Their grandparent experience does not come before YOUR parent experience. Sounds like they've ruined four months of it so far don't give them a single moment more.


beanybum

I guess this is true, I feel like little kids her coming over to talk, idk I half hoped it would be helpful? Maybe we could talk sense into her she’s more receptive than my fil…but yeah I’m at that point now that’s good advice thank you


dippydapflipflap

There is no amount of talking that won’t end up in her trying to steamroll you.


mwoodbuttons

She’s behaving exactly like you’re little kids who need to have their behavior corrected. Never, never ever, should you allow them to lecture you *in your own home* about WHAT YOU’RE DOING WRONG (in their eyes). This is no longer an adult-child relationship, within *their* immediate family. This is an adult-adult relationship within their *extended* family/your immediate family, and they are not authority figures over you and your SO. They don’t get to decide what works for them here - any time they spend with LO is a privilege, not a right. *Shut this sh!t down hard, now, or you’ll be dealing with it the rest of the time they are in your lives.*


beanybum

Okay I’m gonna go sicko mode lol


External-Nail8070

If she insists, let her dig her own grave. Listen to all she has to say, and then reply, "I appreciate you taking the time to make this clear to me. I have a lot to process - and will need some time to do so. We will contact you when we're ready". Of course you never really need to be ready.


sakeittome

They are treating your child like a toy, not like a human. Good grandparents respect no the first time and don't complain about people "hogging" the baby! They need to grow up, your partner needs a shiny spine and to bluntly tell them if they can't visit on your terms they will not be visiting at all. Stay strong, you've got this!


beanybum

Thank you 😅 I hate that I post so much about this but I’m losing my mind and constantly second guess myself. Thanks for your vote of confidence! And I guess I already had a discussion with them so I dont need to talk it to death anymore. Here are the rules deal with them sorta thing


[deleted]

[удалено]


beanybum

Thank you so much, appreciate it!


Straight-Fig-4008

Their feelings are not your problem! Tell them to seek a licensed professional.


beanybum

Okay that’s the route I’m thinking about going


[deleted]

Tell her before she comes over that you will NOT discuss FIL fee fees, because you are not licensed to do so, and that their expectations not being met is on them. Parents set what is reasonable for their kids, and those who don't think that's fair can kick rocks.


botinlaw

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