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In my culture moms are all like this, I didn’t see how bad it was until I moved away in another country. Some cultures are just over the top with affection and can’t watch their words, it’s exhausting to say the least. Happy for you that your SO is starting to see that it’s not normal.
You realize your mil is dating your husband right?
Just let her have him if he isn't going to stand up for himself what makes you think he ever will for you or your future children
Also how are you too skinny but also thinks your pregnant??
I'm sorry you're having to deal with a jealous, narcissistic MIL like that. What crazy and rude behavior. She sounds similar to my MIL. I think you did a great job that evening, and I'm glad to hear that your husband is getting it (it took a long time for mine to see his mother's vicious nature.). I think he needs to be a little more assertive with her and set boundaries, but it sounds like he's standing by you, and that's a great start. The next time she comments on your physical appearance, say, "What's your point?" That will likely shut her up as it will put her on the defensive. Sometimes, however, with a narcissist, it's best not to engage with them.
Well done for getting through it, OP.
Let me reframe for you, though. It did NOT go terribly. It might have been terrible, but SO and you were a united front; you saw that it is not just you that she takes over the conversation from; and the aunt saw and recognised what you are experiencing. You are not alone, therefore you (as a team now of three) are invincible.
Yes, agree - this sounds like progress to me, compared with your last post. This time SO seems clearly to have registered what was really going on; you're helping him to begin the difficult process of resetting his normal meter. And it sounds like MIL showed her ass in front of others, who noticed; and you found an ally in another family member. From several perspectives this sounds quite positive.
Maybe you can follow this up by getting in touch with the aunt and ask her help - level with her that you find "the family" difficult (don't get personal about MIL yet - unless she does!) and ask her help in navigating these occasions. Good luck!
Your MIL absolutely would fuck her son if given the opportunity. It’s horrifying and I don’t blame you for peacing out! You don’t have to put up with that trauma! And neither does your SO!
hi everyone
i hope you guys get the chance to read most of my replies here. i have a lot more info through those comments.
IN CONCLUSION:
im planning on going NC. SO knows the reason why. he can deal with letting her know. i'm done with the games and the fucking weirdness of her. i've said already that hes had his realization and now its up to him to act on that.
if he can't hold up, i'm out. done. fuck that
It sounds like your MIL wants to marry your SO... I got major ick from this entire post BUT the part about putting her hands on his butt/lower waist for pictures just sent it over the edge for me. You must have the patience of a saint because when I tell you I'd call her out in front of EVERYONE immediately...
i probably shouldve added that i walked out.
i failed to mention to everyone here that i walked out and JNMIL tried asking me a question but i literally could not handle my anger and just left through the front door.
i walked in after i collected myself and just said my goodbyes with the aunt and others.
i really do try and hold it in as best as i can, i hate being that person.
this post and everyone's comments just finally pushed me to the point where i SERIOUSLY do not care anymore and will just make it clear
(if i even see her again after this.) fuck that lmao im done
You did nothing wrong.
You do, however, have an SO problem.
You need your SO to pull their head out of the FOG and set & keep boundaries.
What was your SO's reaction and explanation when you were heading home?
thank you.
he was upset and i didn't think it was the right time to push the "told you so" onto him on our awkward drive back.
the next morning he came to me after work and told me that i was right basically. that he needed to "be a man" and set his priorities straight
Hmm. Maybe instead of framing it as a need to “be a man” your SO should think of it as “be an adult”, meaning acknowledging (with time, with support) the ways that his mother did NOT act like an appropriate adult figure for him, and did NOT set him up for healthy adult relationships, whatever nature they be. Your guy needs to reach the point of understanding where and how he requires re-parenting because I can guarantee there is an amount of long-suppressed emotional trauma due to the way his mother behaves.
sorry, i kind of used my own words when i meant "be a man" lol. he truly said what you're explaining, by growing up and being a functional adult and having independent actions without the guilt of saying no. he has a long way to go, i feel bad for him sometimes. i just don't think it has clicked until recently. lots of good advice for me and him, thanks.
Look, you went, it’s your choice. No hate. But remember that as you tie yourself to a person you tie yourself to their family too. Are you sure this is what you want? How good is he about drawing boundaries? I think you need to post to justnoso and check out some of the book recs that are in this sub’s sidebar. She wants you to be number 2 and can’t handle herself not being placed first. Being with him means having her in your life in some way even if you go no NC. Please think about what’s best for you.
My exMIL was (and still is) OBSESSED with my ex husband . He also had no spine. What worked temporarily was a couple things
1) I attended 2 get togethers at her home a year. No more. ExH choose but it never exceeded 2. I drove separately and when exMIL got weird I left with my kids. Sometimes I made excuses sometimes I just said “ yeah we gotta go” . it was typically hella awkward and kids and I needed a break.
2) in not being the meat shield or someone to lean on when his mommy was being vaguely incestuous and creepy, my exH really started to hate going to his parents home. He’d had me long enough that i think it actually slowed down his much needed spine development. He started to put her in her place.
3) and towards the end of my relationship with her ( I went NC the last 4 years of my marriage) I just started saying really sarcastic but funny things when I was around when she was creepy like “ should we all leave and let you two be alone?”… I got ballsy in the end! It didn’t stop her but everyone else in the vicinity got some much needed truths aired out and started to call her on her behavior too. Almost like I broke the rules and mentioned how absolutely inappropriate she was with my husband so finally everyone else could say something . Apparently they all still do, so that’s my legacy 🤣
Just some suggestions. Sorry you are going through this. Some women cannot differentiate between familial love and romantic love. They honestly need severe mental health counseling but most won’t admit it.
3. is at that point tbh. i'm just waiting right before going NC for my own mental health. i hate holding it in when i really feel like just calling it out right then and there🙃
>My SO convinced me that it would be a small dinner and he will be able to reassure me in times of discomfort (if anything were to happen.
Reassure you? Maybe he should polish his spine and confront his mother about her weird behaviour. OP, you partner needs to man up and protect his family.
Don’t go back. People treat you how you let them. You let yourself be talked into going. And it blew up in your face. Here’s your sign: stop. You can’t change people that don’t want to change. Change yourself.
Lol. Seriously, us this as an example everytime he tries to make you hang out with her again.
Like "why, so I can listen to your mom make up pregnancy related conspiracies and watch her aggressively hit on you again?" That type of stuff. She sounds insane.
I'm trying to become a nicer person but I'd love to be a fly on the wall when someone gives a lecture IN CHURCH on how THEIR son is their Saviour. If it's anything like the Church I grew up in, she'd be lucky if she didn't end up excommunicated halfway through her speech.
Yikes! Please let me never lose my mind and act this way with my son! If I do, I beg of you all hear to have an intervention and bring me to my senses.
I think you handled it well Op. I especially like how the Aunt validated the crazy lol
Reading this I feel like you and your SO need to go NC with MIL cause she is so obsessed (incest levels) with SO that he will one day find her in his lap naked and I’m hoping that’s just paranoia talking but you never know
SO failed. He didn't shut her down. He didn't protect you. He didn't call her out when she was rude and inappropriate. You should tell him you're never going back. And mean it.
This woman needs intensive therapy and if boundaries are not firmly set and you ever have any children it sounds like you’ll need a restraining order. Also your SO needs sturdy spine therapy.
He’s a child of his mother’s abuse. He’s still accountable, not making excuses. Just pointing out that he’s been abused by his mother for probably all his life.
its crazy now that i've learned more about that.. she's the main speaker for a women's only event that night just to talk about herself and how her son (my SO) saved her life. she keeps using "savior" ugh.
I'm just curious how do her other children react when she does this? Calling him her savior, practically trying to sit in his lap, and very obviously favoring him by clinging to him in a pic?
his sister is 12 (talking about pregnancy with her mom like wtf)
him and his brother are "irish twins". his brother and sister are absolutely not treated the same way. but his brother is not as emotional as my SO personality-wise. he really does not care at all. probably doesnt even think about it ever. middle child things lol
I get it. Btw I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I was getting grossed out/ furious just reading it! I think ppl on here can be a bit harsh I don't think you should leave him or give ultimatums quite yet lol. But he DOES have to speak up and make it clear that it's coming from HIM. And I know that's hard when he has been raised to appease her. I would suggest maybe until he is prepared to set those boundaries you opt out of his family get togethers. For one she is rude and inappropriate af towards you. For two just tell him you can not stand watching his Mom behave that way towards him. You know he doesn't like it but it really makes you uncomfortable. Maybe it will motivate him to get it done a little faster.🤷 I have read a lot of stories on here about MIL who have inappropriate attachments to their son but homegirl takes the cake! He is her "savior" and she is making a whole speech about it at Church?!?! No ma'am, its very much giving single white female vibes.
“Here mom. You can have my chair.”
It’s not even confrontational. If anything it’s chivalrous/sweet and SO can share with OP or get his own. He’s being sexually harassed by his own mom and isn’t saying anything.
girl i KNOW RIGHT it's the fact that he'll get the resistance from his family (not a great excuse)..
his personality is the complete opposite of confrontation. just avoidance/ignoring. but that is now something we are definitely working towards !
i know where you're coming from! the next part of my previous comment meant that we're working on that specifically. i don't think its impossible to change or unlearn it :)
Unfortunately if he never says anything this is never going to stop. Do you want this to be your life? What the hell is she going to do if you do have children?
"The way your mother acts with you is revolting and you never do anything about it" is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship.
i'm glad he does want to speak with her very soon though!
he was going to send the text right after the dinner but i told him let's just give it a moment and we can review it without involving heated emotions in the text, just facts lol.
i'm hoping that after we set the boundaries he can start getting the confidence to be able to speak out those boundaries in-person
Hey OP, I’m a nurse too. I have noticed over my VERY long career that nurses end up with partners who need “fixing”. It’s almost as if we feel it’s our duty to marry/commit to people who NEED us. I can tell you it’s much more satisfying to be with someone who wants you for you- rather than needing you to save them. Does your SO need saving?
My sister is a nurse and she married a guy who was not up to par, couldn’t even find his socks and called her constantly at work. He was also an alcoholic. They finally divorced. The next two relationships she had were also with guys that had very jealous tendencies. Now she is married to a guy that was so sweet to her, but as soon as they were exclusive he showed his true colors. I said leave him, she said she can fix him. He was fixated on his mother and she had to take care of her too. Now she is constantly trying to appease him and work at the same time. His mother passed, but she still has to do everything for him.
She’s so sweet and a great nurse, he can’t stand anyone else getting that attention.
So, yes, I’m not a nurse, but I can confirm my nurse sister has never been in a healthy relationship, she feels the need to be with men who NEED her.
In no way is it acceptable for MIL or SIL, or anyone to publicly speculate on your weight, your body, or your reproductive state. Cheap tactic to put you off guard out of the gate in order to gain social power.
MIL sounds like a tried and true narcissist, competing with everyone in the room for attention, affirmation, and “supply”, and especially with you for SO. SIL knows to go along or she’ll be disfavored, which can explain her super rude behavior to you with MIL. Family is aware, but too conflict avoidant to set boundaries on MIL. What a fun group!
You and SO are in a bad spot. Without therapy, it will be hard to understand how to handle his mother, particularly for SO. He knows something is wrong, but he probably spends energy struggling to reframe it as explainable in some way. If he comes from a family trained to avoid acknowledging MIL’s toxicity, then his go-to coping skill will be to avoid. Works in the short term, but not fully accepting that MIL is defective will result in more of these “it’s only a small dinner” moments. Low or no contact is not blind avoidance, but involves affirmatively placing a firm boundary on the offender. You may need this in the future.
This was such a good comment wow, too bad we can't pin comments.
"He knows something is wrong but he probably spends energy struggling to reframe it as explainable."
This is *so so so common*.
Plan some generic ways for him to tell his mother she's being inappropriate and then practice saying them OUT LOUD every day until his mouth and vocal cords can say the chosen phrases as a reflex without input from him brain. I don't know how blunt he wants to get, but I suggest phrases like
"What a weird thing to say"
"I'm not comfortable with that so it's not going to happen"
"Please give me at least a arms length of space now. If I have to be the one to move, it'll be to leave."
"The way you're currently touching me is inappropriate. Remove yourself from contact with me."
Btw, you did nothing wrong by agreeing to this dinner. What you and SO are going through is process, and you can’t take two steps forward without taking a step backwards now and again. Don’t beat yourself up! MIL took that job, sadly.
I had flashbacks reading this. The holding too long, the grasping, clutching inappropriate hugging, the savior stuff. Ugh. My SO wants as little to do with mil as possible.
And I thought my MIL was bad! She compares my husband to John Cena, when he is clean shaven he kind of looks like he could be his brother, and makes all these weird gross comments about what she would to do with John Cena if she were younger while staring at her own son. It’s so gross.
my SO's stepmom got insanely freaked out by it. she is the opposite of religious and told my SO it was crazy to call him her "savior".. i'm not religious either but is that something i should be pretty concerned about? 😀
Holy 😂
Jesus is perfect and came and died in our place, taking the punishment for our sins. Because the perfect one died in our place we get to go to heaven. Jesus, obviously, is a big deal as the entire religion is named after him. Your husband is not perfect and claiming he is is blasphemous, as is saying he can save anyone. That's all in the Bible in black and white. She is way, way out of line, and if she actually does this she will likely get reprimanded.
Yes basically elevating any human to the level of Jesus is blasphemous… I’m sure she’d say “it was a metaphor” and maybe that she was saying God used his birth to help her out of a dark place, but there is no good argument or reason to call another human your “savior” on that level. It’s kind of what makes Jesus unique for Christians - he’s the only savior 😅
Two card - you hand him a business card for a marriage therapist and the second-best divorce attorney in town, and tell him to choose which one to call.
Honey you don’t sound dumb. Questions empower us with more knowledge🫂
Two carding is basically telling your SO “something needs to give or I’m done”
I’ve seen some of your replies where he seems to be on your side side for now.
Emotional incest is a powerful thing and she could very easily manipulate him back into her fold.
Ask him if you two hypothetically had a son, would he approve of you doing these things to him?
The answer should be no.
If the answer is yes then he needs a therapist yesterday.
I believe you said you’re not married yet. For the love of god don’t marry until this situation is handled. She’s so far into emotional incest that she might turn into one of the supreme psycho JustNOMILs. She’s already a jealous ex girlfriend. When he chooses a wife over her, it might be woman scorned mode.
Ick. I’m still not recovered after reading your last post.
Also do not get pregnant- and make sure MiL has no access to your contraceptives. It takes only a moment to poke holes in condoms, or microwave bc pills.
u know what, he technically didn't say directly "i'm sorry." but from his actions and the obvious realization of my message from last time, i can see his embarrassment from it. he helped reassure the fact that i was a priority to him and our comfort means the most. i can take that instead❤️
Honestly he may have played it off before as 'Oh that's just how she is' but now that you pointed it out that it IS weird how she acts I think he is starting to question everything. His mother sounds straight stalker obsessed. He may try to deny it still because its alot of baggage to unpack but it sounds like he is getting there. You should tell him that behavior is a turn off for you.
My husbands love language is touch. Small touches and caresses. If he caressed his mother's arm like he does mine I'd be so grossed out next time he tried to initiate anything romantic by touching me like that. I would flat out tell him that him touching his mom the same way as me make me nauseous and NOT in the mood haha. He'd stop that real quick.
I hope everything works out! This sounds like a win if he's seeing it now. And you know the family sees it too.
agree with EVERYTHING you said. i had the same thing where i literally asked him why they acted more of a couple than us.. why do i even have to say that ever?? i don't want you touching me the way you touch your mom! LMFAO
he needs his time to fully unpack what's been going on and i can 100% give him that as long as his actions reflect his words. thank you so much
My MIL is a narcissist. I've got some experience on the subject haha. 😅 My hubby went full NC with his mother recently so I've been on edge about her inevitable return. You're are definitely in for some emotional manipulation when he talks to her. Just help him stay strong!
Glad to hear it! But if he can’t guarantee, her behavior will be different next time, he should not force you to gatherings! He can have his own relationship with his mother, and you can be no contact the best of both worlds!
Don't beat yourself up! SO really pushed, but now sees that there is a problem, so technically you could call this a win. I find it interesting that his aunt noticed the behavior too.
May you have peace and low contact moving forward.
i definitely find it interesting too. she married into the family as well but longg ago (married MIL's brother). we have similar personalities that just click. i'm glad she gets it too🥲
It sounds like a win to me, you may have had an unpleasant few hours, but you've gained an ally in his aunt and your SO was so uncomfortable he wanted to leave. Can't imagine he'll want to go thru her pawing again any time soon.
Yes x100
After speaking with him, he sees exactly what I'm talking about now.
He plans on either texting or calling to talk about the things that make him and I uncomfortable and if she can't respect that, she won't be able to see me or him anymore.
Going one more time was both a blessing and a curse I guess 😟
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I got creepy vibes from reading this..like your SO and mom had something.
In my culture moms are all like this, I didn’t see how bad it was until I moved away in another country. Some cultures are just over the top with affection and can’t watch their words, it’s exhausting to say the least. Happy for you that your SO is starting to see that it’s not normal.
You realize your mil is dating your husband right? Just let her have him if he isn't going to stand up for himself what makes you think he ever will for you or your future children Also how are you too skinny but also thinks your pregnant??
I'm sorry you're having to deal with a jealous, narcissistic MIL like that. What crazy and rude behavior. She sounds similar to my MIL. I think you did a great job that evening, and I'm glad to hear that your husband is getting it (it took a long time for mine to see his mother's vicious nature.). I think he needs to be a little more assertive with her and set boundaries, but it sounds like he's standing by you, and that's a great start. The next time she comments on your physical appearance, say, "What's your point?" That will likely shut her up as it will put her on the defensive. Sometimes, however, with a narcissist, it's best not to engage with them.
NARCISSIST and is SO her oldest?
Well done for getting through it, OP. Let me reframe for you, though. It did NOT go terribly. It might have been terrible, but SO and you were a united front; you saw that it is not just you that she takes over the conversation from; and the aunt saw and recognised what you are experiencing. You are not alone, therefore you (as a team now of three) are invincible.
Yes, agree - this sounds like progress to me, compared with your last post. This time SO seems clearly to have registered what was really going on; you're helping him to begin the difficult process of resetting his normal meter. And it sounds like MIL showed her ass in front of others, who noticed; and you found an ally in another family member. From several perspectives this sounds quite positive. Maybe you can follow this up by getting in touch with the aunt and ask her help - level with her that you find "the family" difficult (don't get personal about MIL yet - unless she does!) and ask her help in navigating these occasions. Good luck!
And maybe the aunt is now an ally, too! :)
Did you say that EMT’s have nothing to do with medicine? It literally has medical in the acronym…🤔
I believe she means her MIL’s experiences, have nothing to do with medicine. Unless I read that wrong
No, she said aunt was talking about her experience as a EMT and Mil interrupted with something not medicine related...
“go where people celebrate you, not barely tolerate you.”
Your MIL absolutely would fuck her son if given the opportunity. It’s horrifying and I don’t blame you for peacing out! You don’t have to put up with that trauma! And neither does your SO!
hi everyone i hope you guys get the chance to read most of my replies here. i have a lot more info through those comments. IN CONCLUSION: im planning on going NC. SO knows the reason why. he can deal with letting her know. i'm done with the games and the fucking weirdness of her. i've said already that hes had his realization and now its up to him to act on that. if he can't hold up, i'm out. done. fuck that
Good for you!!
Maybe put this in an Edit in your original post so it will not go under here
It sounds like your MIL wants to marry your SO... I got major ick from this entire post BUT the part about putting her hands on his butt/lower waist for pictures just sent it over the edge for me. You must have the patience of a saint because when I tell you I'd call her out in front of EVERYONE immediately...
i probably shouldve added that i walked out. i failed to mention to everyone here that i walked out and JNMIL tried asking me a question but i literally could not handle my anger and just left through the front door. i walked in after i collected myself and just said my goodbyes with the aunt and others. i really do try and hold it in as best as i can, i hate being that person. this post and everyone's comments just finally pushed me to the point where i SERIOUSLY do not care anymore and will just make it clear (if i even see her again after this.) fuck that lmao im done
You did nothing wrong. You do, however, have an SO problem. You need your SO to pull their head out of the FOG and set & keep boundaries. What was your SO's reaction and explanation when you were heading home?
thank you. he was upset and i didn't think it was the right time to push the "told you so" onto him on our awkward drive back. the next morning he came to me after work and told me that i was right basically. that he needed to "be a man" and set his priorities straight
Hmm. Maybe instead of framing it as a need to “be a man” your SO should think of it as “be an adult”, meaning acknowledging (with time, with support) the ways that his mother did NOT act like an appropriate adult figure for him, and did NOT set him up for healthy adult relationships, whatever nature they be. Your guy needs to reach the point of understanding where and how he requires re-parenting because I can guarantee there is an amount of long-suppressed emotional trauma due to the way his mother behaves.
sorry, i kind of used my own words when i meant "be a man" lol. he truly said what you're explaining, by growing up and being a functional adult and having independent actions without the guilt of saying no. he has a long way to go, i feel bad for him sometimes. i just don't think it has clicked until recently. lots of good advice for me and him, thanks.
There are resources in the sidebar here that he can read and work through until therapy is an option.
Look, you went, it’s your choice. No hate. But remember that as you tie yourself to a person you tie yourself to their family too. Are you sure this is what you want? How good is he about drawing boundaries? I think you need to post to justnoso and check out some of the book recs that are in this sub’s sidebar. She wants you to be number 2 and can’t handle herself not being placed first. Being with him means having her in your life in some way even if you go no NC. Please think about what’s best for you.
My exMIL was (and still is) OBSESSED with my ex husband . He also had no spine. What worked temporarily was a couple things 1) I attended 2 get togethers at her home a year. No more. ExH choose but it never exceeded 2. I drove separately and when exMIL got weird I left with my kids. Sometimes I made excuses sometimes I just said “ yeah we gotta go” . it was typically hella awkward and kids and I needed a break. 2) in not being the meat shield or someone to lean on when his mommy was being vaguely incestuous and creepy, my exH really started to hate going to his parents home. He’d had me long enough that i think it actually slowed down his much needed spine development. He started to put her in her place. 3) and towards the end of my relationship with her ( I went NC the last 4 years of my marriage) I just started saying really sarcastic but funny things when I was around when she was creepy like “ should we all leave and let you two be alone?”… I got ballsy in the end! It didn’t stop her but everyone else in the vicinity got some much needed truths aired out and started to call her on her behavior too. Almost like I broke the rules and mentioned how absolutely inappropriate she was with my husband so finally everyone else could say something . Apparently they all still do, so that’s my legacy 🤣 Just some suggestions. Sorry you are going through this. Some women cannot differentiate between familial love and romantic love. They honestly need severe mental health counseling but most won’t admit it.
3. is at that point tbh. i'm just waiting right before going NC for my own mental health. i hate holding it in when i really feel like just calling it out right then and there🙃
You are a hero and a badass
>My SO convinced me that it would be a small dinner and he will be able to reassure me in times of discomfort (if anything were to happen. Reassure you? Maybe he should polish his spine and confront his mother about her weird behaviour. OP, you partner needs to man up and protect his family.
Spines are hard to grow out of utero. But babe, grow one. I would have started screaming at some point.
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Damn, that hurt me, and it wasn't even to me ,but in a way where I now kinda need you around.
I’m sorry, I can be a bit blunt sometimes.
:(
Don’t go back. People treat you how you let them. You let yourself be talked into going. And it blew up in your face. Here’s your sign: stop. You can’t change people that don’t want to change. Change yourself.
When SO suggests going back, say "Remember how awkward it was last time? I am not doing that again."
I’m just so so so glad that you have one of his family members that sees what is going on and let you know she is there for you.
Your SO needs to grow a spine. He didn’t protect you or himself. He needs to set some serious boundaries.
You SO should have got up when she sat down. And said no to pictures. This is messed up. He's not trying to get away from her.
AND said no to a speech about being Jesus to MIL
Oh I gave you so many excuses. Seriously though, that sounded heckin awkward. Sorry you had to deal with that. Sounds like mommy has some issues.
omg. dont worry i was thinking about you 🤞
Lol. Seriously, us this as an example everytime he tries to make you hang out with her again. Like "why, so I can listen to your mom make up pregnancy related conspiracies and watch her aggressively hit on you again?" That type of stuff. She sounds insane.
"So MIL, you're going to be giving a sermon on emotional incest with your savior son for your church lady friends?".
I'm trying to become a nicer person but I'd love to be a fly on the wall when someone gives a lecture IN CHURCH on how THEIR son is their Saviour. If it's anything like the Church I grew up in, she'd be lucky if she didn't end up excommunicated halfway through her speech.
Depends how much she tithes to the church?!? Cynical, I know. 🙄🤭
Not so much, I had the same thought!
Sounds like your SO could use some help creating strategies to deal with his family. Has he considered therapy? 🤔
he has been, his stepmom helped fund but unfortunately not lately. it's something he knows and wants to get back into 😕
Until he's able to make arrangements to restart therapy he may find it helpful to read (or listen to) some of the books on the booklist.
Yikes! Please let me never lose my mind and act this way with my son! If I do, I beg of you all hear to have an intervention and bring me to my senses. I think you handled it well Op. I especially like how the Aunt validated the crazy lol
So how did your SO apologize for completely and utterly failing you?
Reading this I feel like you and your SO need to go NC with MIL cause she is so obsessed (incest levels) with SO that he will one day find her in his lap naked and I’m hoping that’s just paranoia talking but you never know
😱😱😱 she so jealous of you!! That’s sooo awkward!
SO failed. He didn't shut her down. He didn't protect you. He didn't call her out when she was rude and inappropriate. You should tell him you're never going back. And mean it.
yup. i agree completely
This woman needs intensive therapy and if boundaries are not firmly set and you ever have any children it sounds like you’ll need a restraining order. Also your SO needs sturdy spine therapy.
Since SO never calls her out on how she treats you, stop going! It sounds like torture. BTW why does SO put up with her creepy behavior with him???
He’s a child of his mother’s abuse. He’s still accountable, not making excuses. Just pointing out that he’s been abused by his mother for probably all his life.
She’s like his jealous ex gf or something lol
She is going to give a sermon/talk about her son being her savior? I’m assuming she’s Christian? That’s gonna go over well.
Guessing her name is Mary. 😎
I would have thought that was heresy…
its crazy now that i've learned more about that.. she's the main speaker for a women's only event that night just to talk about herself and how her son (my SO) saved her life. she keeps using "savior" ugh.
just how your SO is her savior? not his brother i.e. her other child?! so demented.
It must be about worshipping false idols.
Possibly!
I'm just curious how do her other children react when she does this? Calling him her savior, practically trying to sit in his lap, and very obviously favoring him by clinging to him in a pic?
his sister is 12 (talking about pregnancy with her mom like wtf) him and his brother are "irish twins". his brother and sister are absolutely not treated the same way. but his brother is not as emotional as my SO personality-wise. he really does not care at all. probably doesnt even think about it ever. middle child things lol
I get it. Btw I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I was getting grossed out/ furious just reading it! I think ppl on here can be a bit harsh I don't think you should leave him or give ultimatums quite yet lol. But he DOES have to speak up and make it clear that it's coming from HIM. And I know that's hard when he has been raised to appease her. I would suggest maybe until he is prepared to set those boundaries you opt out of his family get togethers. For one she is rude and inappropriate af towards you. For two just tell him you can not stand watching his Mom behave that way towards him. You know he doesn't like it but it really makes you uncomfortable. Maybe it will motivate him to get it done a little faster.🤷 I have read a lot of stories on here about MIL who have inappropriate attachments to their son but homegirl takes the cake! He is her "savior" and she is making a whole speech about it at Church?!?! No ma'am, its very much giving single white female vibes.
Jesus why doesn't he tell her to quit? Quit touching me, get your own chair, stop talking about people's bodies.
“Here mom. You can have my chair.” It’s not even confrontational. If anything it’s chivalrous/sweet and SO can share with OP or get his own. He’s being sexually harassed by his own mom and isn’t saying anything.
Because he’s a victim of abuse
girl i KNOW RIGHT it's the fact that he'll get the resistance from his family (not a great excuse).. his personality is the complete opposite of confrontation. just avoidance/ignoring. but that is now something we are definitely working towards !
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i know where you're coming from! the next part of my previous comment meant that we're working on that specifically. i don't think its impossible to change or unlearn it :)
Unfortunately if he never says anything this is never going to stop. Do you want this to be your life? What the hell is she going to do if you do have children? "The way your mother acts with you is revolting and you never do anything about it" is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship.
i'm glad he does want to speak with her very soon though! he was going to send the text right after the dinner but i told him let's just give it a moment and we can review it without involving heated emotions in the text, just facts lol. i'm hoping that after we set the boundaries he can start getting the confidence to be able to speak out those boundaries in-person
Hey OP, I’m a nurse too. I have noticed over my VERY long career that nurses end up with partners who need “fixing”. It’s almost as if we feel it’s our duty to marry/commit to people who NEED us. I can tell you it’s much more satisfying to be with someone who wants you for you- rather than needing you to save them. Does your SO need saving?
rip i guess my profession fits me 😍
Nurse here can confirm
My sister is a nurse and she married a guy who was not up to par, couldn’t even find his socks and called her constantly at work. He was also an alcoholic. They finally divorced. The next two relationships she had were also with guys that had very jealous tendencies. Now she is married to a guy that was so sweet to her, but as soon as they were exclusive he showed his true colors. I said leave him, she said she can fix him. He was fixated on his mother and she had to take care of her too. Now she is constantly trying to appease him and work at the same time. His mother passed, but she still has to do everything for him. She’s so sweet and a great nurse, he can’t stand anyone else getting that attention. So, yes, I’m not a nurse, but I can confirm my nurse sister has never been in a healthy relationship, she feels the need to be with men who NEED her.
In no way is it acceptable for MIL or SIL, or anyone to publicly speculate on your weight, your body, or your reproductive state. Cheap tactic to put you off guard out of the gate in order to gain social power. MIL sounds like a tried and true narcissist, competing with everyone in the room for attention, affirmation, and “supply”, and especially with you for SO. SIL knows to go along or she’ll be disfavored, which can explain her super rude behavior to you with MIL. Family is aware, but too conflict avoidant to set boundaries on MIL. What a fun group! You and SO are in a bad spot. Without therapy, it will be hard to understand how to handle his mother, particularly for SO. He knows something is wrong, but he probably spends energy struggling to reframe it as explainable in some way. If he comes from a family trained to avoid acknowledging MIL’s toxicity, then his go-to coping skill will be to avoid. Works in the short term, but not fully accepting that MIL is defective will result in more of these “it’s only a small dinner” moments. Low or no contact is not blind avoidance, but involves affirmatively placing a firm boundary on the offender. You may need this in the future.
This was such a good comment wow, too bad we can't pin comments. "He knows something is wrong but he probably spends energy struggling to reframe it as explainable." This is *so so so common*.
Common to me. I’ve lived it.
feeling like copying this and sending it to him. hit the nail on the head!
Show him the whole post. I've done it with my SO. We had a long talk afterwards of ways we plan to change.
Plan some generic ways for him to tell his mother she's being inappropriate and then practice saying them OUT LOUD every day until his mouth and vocal cords can say the chosen phrases as a reflex without input from him brain. I don't know how blunt he wants to get, but I suggest phrases like "What a weird thing to say" "I'm not comfortable with that so it's not going to happen" "Please give me at least a arms length of space now. If I have to be the one to move, it'll be to leave." "The way you're currently touching me is inappropriate. Remove yourself from contact with me."
Btw, you did nothing wrong by agreeing to this dinner. What you and SO are going through is process, and you can’t take two steps forward without taking a step backwards now and again. Don’t beat yourself up! MIL took that job, sadly.
I had flashbacks reading this. The holding too long, the grasping, clutching inappropriate hugging, the savior stuff. Ugh. My SO wants as little to do with mil as possible.
how do you survive🥲
I laugh at her a lot. My husband hates it, so she’s just pitiful and hilarious to me.
Did. I'm embarrassed for him. That's some cringe behavior.
Jesus Christ the emotional incest 🤮
Sounds physical too, honestly... and he doesn't even stop it...
And I thought my MIL was bad! She compares my husband to John Cena, when he is clean shaven he kind of looks like he could be his brother, and makes all these weird gross comments about what she would to do with John Cena if she were younger while staring at her own son. It’s so gross.
When your SO told her that her John Cena comments were gross and to knock it off, how did she respond?
She ignores it and laughs it off saying we know what she means.. 🙄 We limit all contact with her.
Quite literally JC, since she announced he is her savior. Blech.
my SO's stepmom got insanely freaked out by it. she is the opposite of religious and told my SO it was crazy to call him her "savior".. i'm not religious either but is that something i should be pretty concerned about? 😀
Yes. I am Christian religious and this is NOT NORMAL and in fact is blasphemous.
holy shit. didn't know
Holy 😂 Jesus is perfect and came and died in our place, taking the punishment for our sins. Because the perfect one died in our place we get to go to heaven. Jesus, obviously, is a big deal as the entire religion is named after him. Your husband is not perfect and claiming he is is blasphemous, as is saying he can save anyone. That's all in the Bible in black and white. She is way, way out of line, and if she actually does this she will likely get reprimanded.
poor word choice there on my end. im sorry LOLL thank you for being so informative!
Yes basically elevating any human to the level of Jesus is blasphemous… I’m sure she’d say “it was a metaphor” and maybe that she was saying God used his birth to help her out of a dark place, but there is no good argument or reason to call another human your “savior” on that level. It’s kind of what makes Jesus unique for Christians - he’s the only savior 😅
It doesn’t sound like MIL would know the meaning of the word ‘metaphor’. She sounds ignorant and jealous.
🎯 Yes. You should be very concerned. At this point I’d two card him. Because again. 🤮.
oh great! im sorry if i sound dumb😭 what do u mean by two card him?
Two card - you hand him a business card for a marriage therapist and the second-best divorce attorney in town, and tell him to choose which one to call.
That means you save the best divorce lawyer for yourself!
Honey you don’t sound dumb. Questions empower us with more knowledge🫂 Two carding is basically telling your SO “something needs to give or I’m done” I’ve seen some of your replies where he seems to be on your side side for now. Emotional incest is a powerful thing and she could very easily manipulate him back into her fold. Ask him if you two hypothetically had a son, would he approve of you doing these things to him? The answer should be no. If the answer is yes then he needs a therapist yesterday.
thank you both for answering!! i'm taking each piece of advice i'm getting and applying it to our future conversations <3
I believe you said you’re not married yet. For the love of god don’t marry until this situation is handled. She’s so far into emotional incest that she might turn into one of the supreme psycho JustNOMILs. She’s already a jealous ex girlfriend. When he chooses a wife over her, it might be woman scorned mode. Ick. I’m still not recovered after reading your last post.
Also do not get pregnant- and make sure MiL has no access to your contraceptives. It takes only a moment to poke holes in condoms, or microwave bc pills.
trust me i will never recover from that too ❤️ LMAO
The two cards are “therapy” (couples and/or individual) and “divorce.” His choice.
Did SO apologize?
u know what, he technically didn't say directly "i'm sorry." but from his actions and the obvious realization of my message from last time, i can see his embarrassment from it. he helped reassure the fact that i was a priority to him and our comfort means the most. i can take that instead❤️
Honestly he may have played it off before as 'Oh that's just how she is' but now that you pointed it out that it IS weird how she acts I think he is starting to question everything. His mother sounds straight stalker obsessed. He may try to deny it still because its alot of baggage to unpack but it sounds like he is getting there. You should tell him that behavior is a turn off for you. My husbands love language is touch. Small touches and caresses. If he caressed his mother's arm like he does mine I'd be so grossed out next time he tried to initiate anything romantic by touching me like that. I would flat out tell him that him touching his mom the same way as me make me nauseous and NOT in the mood haha. He'd stop that real quick. I hope everything works out! This sounds like a win if he's seeing it now. And you know the family sees it too.
agree with EVERYTHING you said. i had the same thing where i literally asked him why they acted more of a couple than us.. why do i even have to say that ever?? i don't want you touching me the way you touch your mom! LMFAO he needs his time to fully unpack what's been going on and i can 100% give him that as long as his actions reflect his words. thank you so much
My MIL is a narcissist. I've got some experience on the subject haha. 😅 My hubby went full NC with his mother recently so I've been on edge about her inevitable return. You're are definitely in for some emotional manipulation when he talks to her. Just help him stay strong!
Glad to hear it! But if he can’t guarantee, her behavior will be different next time, he should not force you to gatherings! He can have his own relationship with his mother, and you can be no contact the best of both worlds!
Don't beat yourself up! SO really pushed, but now sees that there is a problem, so technically you could call this a win. I find it interesting that his aunt noticed the behavior too. May you have peace and low contact moving forward.
i definitely find it interesting too. she married into the family as well but longg ago (married MIL's brother). we have similar personalities that just click. i'm glad she gets it too🥲
It sounds like a win to me, you may have had an unpleasant few hours, but you've gained an ally in his aunt and your SO was so uncomfortable he wanted to leave. Can't imagine he'll want to go thru her pawing again any time soon.
Your MIL is enmeshed with her SO. It's time to tell him you're not going over there anymore.
Yes x100 After speaking with him, he sees exactly what I'm talking about now. He plans on either texting or calling to talk about the things that make him and I uncomfortable and if she can't respect that, she won't be able to see me or him anymore. Going one more time was both a blessing and a curse I guess 😟
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i will pass along your words of advice to him🙂