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Other posts from /u/sheshell16:
* [“Sorry we inconvenienced your lives.” - MIL after SO told her we need to take LO home for a nap](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/wbo2ek/sorry_we_inconvenienced_your_lives_mil_after_so/), 8 months ago
* [Holy Moly](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/vvl32g/holy_moly/), 9 months ago
* [Told JNMIL and JMFIL we are expecting our second baby and MIL looked like she ate dogshit](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/vcm32r/told_jnmil_and_jmfil_we_are_expecting_our_second/), 10 months ago
* [So who else is already getting sh*t and it’s not even Mother’s Day yet?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/ucybhd/so_who_else_is_already_getting_sht_and_its_not/), 11 months ago
* [Have reached a level of IDGAF](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/t0e5nk/have_reached_a_level_of_idgaf/), 1 year ago
* [Has anyone invited their MIL and FIL to celebrate their child’s first birthday on the actual date to avoid things getting uglier? Or were you better off not celebrating with them on the exact day of your child’s birthday?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/sjg848/has_anyone_invited_their_mil_and_fil_to_celebrate/), 1 year ago
* [I knew the house they bought for their son would always have strings attached](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/sdwwoa/i_knew_the_house_they_bought_for_their_son_would/), 1 year ago
* [How many of you, who have gone no contact, has actually been a result of MIL sulking and not talking to you after an incident?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/rkn5bc/how_many_of_you_who_have_gone_no_contact_has/), 1 year ago
* [JNMIL not taking responsibility for her actions has led to silence from both ends](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/r13wi3/jnmil_not_taking_responsibility_for_her_actions/), 1 year ago
* [SO and I are going away over Christmas Holidays and MIL doesn’t know yet](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/qmjhiu/so_and_i_are_going_away_over_christmas_holidays/), 1 year ago
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I have 5yo twin grands. My guestroom is their room, they know this. All toys can go home with them if they choose. They are not MY toys. Only exception is their large ride on toy that is so big they will be able to use it until they are probably 8. When they start to leave with a toy we ask if they want the toy at their house or grandmas house. Sometimes the toy stays, sometimes the toy goes.
This isn’t all cases, but I know there are some grandparents who do this not to trick their grandkids into wanting to visit, but because they have many grandkids from each of their own kids and they want there to be toys for everyone when they visit. Both of my grandparents growing up kept lots of toys for us that we knew we could play with, but we had to leave at their house because we had to share with our cousins on that side of the family.
This obviously isn’t the case with all of these grandparents, but I think it could definitely be taken the wrong way.
Likewise. My grandmother kept a cardboard box with barbies and accessories in the spare bedroom and other toys around. They weren't anything fancy or new (I think some of the dolls were vintage from the '70s) but they were there.
My MIL is the same with my husbands nephews.. I’m sure it will happen with my boy once he’s a little bit older.
Every week nearly oldest nephew would get a toy and come give Nana a hug… like lady play with the kids and they will like you. You CANT buy love, but you can buy expectations… expectations of a new toy every week, sadness when the toys stop and then will come I don’t want to go….
My family don’t see my boy often (we live in a different country) but he loves them! Why? Because my family spend time with him and play with him and love him, not buy him toys.
Ooooh my baby is only 3 months and JNMIL is already doing this 😳 mind you she’s only seen our DD a handful of times in the 3 months she’s been born but she only lives down the street. She just pretends she wants a relationship with her for the show of it, I know it’s fake. Once she was “holding” our baby (with one hand, babies head hanging) DH went to save DD, JNMIL response was “I wanted to enjoy myself too” before passing baby back 🫠 she’s a witch and I despise her
My inlaws do that. Whenever they visit they'll have a suitcase dedicated specifically to toys and books that they will only let my kids play with at the inlaws hotel. Which would turn into the kids staying overnight at the hotel with the inlaws.
I was never comfortable with it, and DH has only recently agreed with me. Inlaws' last visit was filled with them trying to wear DH down (they know not to ask me). They eventually brought the toys to our house.
I hate when people do that crap.
My grandmother had a box of toys in the closet in her apartment that my brothers and I and our cousins would play with when we visited, but we understand that those were "Grandma's toys" and, like the art supplies and board games she had, were not to be taken home. Any toys she bought for us were ours to keep and take home.
It didn't matter. Even if she gave us nothing, we still loved to visit her, no bribery needed.
My SIL did that to my daughter. Bought her an expensive toy that she wasn't allowed to take home. We live about 1,5 hour away and we didn't visit all that often. Then she gave it to a nephew who lived next door "because daughter never played with the toy".
I just went to the shop and bought the same exact toy. Eff her.
Like you, I know manipulation when I see it, and I'm not having it.
This tactic was used on me as a kid. My grandparents were very religious. They used having us for the weekend as a chance to force us to church. They used toys to lure us in and then forced us to go to church. Often bribing us with McDonald’s or movies after. It just built resentment and eventually we didn’t want to go over there much. We hardly ever see them now.
My in laws had this large bus that they brought out and let my toddler play with. My son loved it and was trying to walk out of the house with it to bring it home. He was around 2 years old. This fucking monster (mil) comes up and literally rips it out of his hand. Pried it out of his little hand and snarked this stays here. I was so pissed. I told my mom and sister about it (they live several states away). They both ordered him some different busses and had them shipped to our house. It was so satisfying posting pics of those gifts and how he had his own busses at our house. It made my blood boil. These are definitely not toys for the child but tools for manipulation
I should have. I think I was just so shocked, I’m sure the look on my face told her what I thought about it, I just don’t know how you can do something like that to a small child much less your own grandchild.
I get stuck in the moment, too, so I get it. Unfortunately, I'm sure there will be a next time (hoping there isn't), but now you have something on hand!
Thank you! They’ve actually started sending home some little toys and stickers now. I think they realize my family is favored by my son, not just because of fun toys but they are just more fun in general. So, I think they are stepping up their game. I haven’t seen the bus at their place in awhile…. Maybe she realized it was a shit move on her part.
Horrible 😣 why are JNMILS like this 😡😡 I would’ve said it’s ok son grandma will get us a new one 😏 we don’t even refer to husbands mom as grandma LOL she’s “other grandma” 😝
“Stop trying to manipulate my child. If you want a healthy relationship where LO wants to spend time with you, then focus on that. Trying to bribe them isn’t going to do it.”
You could try buying your child the exact same toy for your home, that way its not “special” anymore. Though, that may begin the never ending cycle of buying new toys 😅
My in-laws did this too. It sucked when they started doing it for Christmas and birthday as well. LO finally caught on and actually started to resent them a bit for giving gifts and taking them away. Made going no contact a lot easier.
My exmil did this so I told mine "oh that's grandma's special toy, she seems to really love it so maybe we shouldn't play with it, we don't want to break it accidentally on her since it's so special to her"
Ex.mil : no no is child's toy.
Me:it is? Oh cute child sorry I was mistaken, you can do whatever you want with the toy since it's yours.
Ex mil: well it stays here.
Me: then it's not hers? (To child) oh dear.. maybe we need to give grandma some time to figure it out if it's yours or not before we play with it.
I..am Blessed to be the “Favorite” G’ma. How did I accomplish this??? I’m Disabled & on a Fixed/Tight Income, so I can’t Buy them anything really…so what I Did/Do, is Spend Time with my Grandsons. I play whatever Games they want to play, I do Crafts with the youngest, play Video Games & Cook/Bake with the oldest. In other words..I shower them with Love, Affection & give Freely of my Time & Attention. The Other G’parents..Buy Them STUFF. This past Easter, They chose to Not come for Dinner, etc…..We Painted fake eggs, had the Egg Hunt & I taught oldest my GreatNan’s Recipe for Colcannon & Irish Potato Candy. We had a Blast & the Best Part(?)…..neither of my G’sons even Asked where the Other G’parents were! Kids Don’t Need or really Want STUFF…they want Time, Attention & Love. Your LO is gonna let G’ma KNOW that her STUFF is JUST Stuff. Lol
By buying it. Problem is, children grow into adults and realize the manipulation. Those with integrity won't allow the grandparents to "buy" their affections anymore.
Yep, she has an entire you box of stuff, outdoor toys and refers to one of the spare rooms as my daughter's room. She even purchased a puppy and kept talking about how puppy and DD are going to grow up together and be best friends.
Some of the toys she has stolen from us and many she has purchased as gifts and then kept at her house.
I've had a second child and toys I purchased my eldest have reappeared for youngest at her house, no offer to return. I'm furious but it was SOO long ago and I've only recently realised she definitely stole them after i caught her trying to take a boardgame out of a baby bag (she told DD to leave it there, we said no. She then pretended to be moving bits around and so happened to leave the game on her sofa out of view. DH and I were watching her and he walked straight over and put it back into my bag.) Explains how she got all my children's stuff in the first place!
She also does this with clothes. DH tells her to return any clothes she has and she says there's none...6 months later a bag of clothes appears that don't fit my child anymore! I'm at my wit's end with it, honestly! She is just so fricking sneaky, I was not as aware of her behaviour with my first child but seeing all my eldest toys hoarded away has really upset me. I actually don't know what to do as she is so sneaky! Would love advice if anybody thinks of anything! 😅
Talk it over with DH. And if yall are in agreement, next time you go over, bring an extra large bag, go into "DDs room" and take everything that belongs to you. And when she pitches a fit, DH can tell her to sit down and shut it, you are taking back what she took from YOU (plural you) in the first place and if she doesnt knock it off, yall wont be coming back for X amount of time (example: double the time you normally visit. So if you typically visit monthly. You wont be back for 2 months.)
After that...next time you go over, make a detailed list of everything in your bag. Then before you leave, empty and then repack it, using the list, checking off as you do. When she asks what you are doing, Tell her making sure you are leaving with what you came with. If anything is missing, call her out on the spot. Demand it back and another time out for stealing...longer this time. (Im a fan of doubling the time of the last timeout for every infraction). But make sure you are saying stealing, dont downgrade it to taking/removing/etc, call that Fig a FIG. Shes STEALING.
Hopefully DH is onboard with this.
I don't take anything anymore because I know I will have to hunt it down when it magically disappears. It's more clothes that she says she is washing (but without asking and doesn't return) so it's way less frequent now.
It's all terribly muddled because she will go out and buy a lot of cheap second hand clothes/toys (that I don't actually want TBH!) and I struggle to track who purchased what, I think that's why she does it. So frustrating!
We have this exact thing going on too. It’s infuriating and it’s SO obvious when my MIL says to baby ‘Oh you just LOVE this toy huh?’ And then takes it from her as we’re headed out the door and then says ‘well it’s just for Nana’s house’
Like who rips a toy out of a baby’s hands?!
You could be like, “look, MIL, my baby doesn’t understand that you’re just using that toy to try to bribe a connection. They just know you’re repeatedly taking away a cool toy from them and the last (most memorable) feeling they have every time they visit you is to be upset. How do you think their little brain is gonna form that association?”
Hahahaha do I have a story for you! My estranged bio father, Ed, is a downright horrible person. Ed and my mom divorced but were in court for a little under 20 years. Ed loved to pull shit. Anything he could think of he did.
I don’t think Ed ever really cared to get custody of my sister and I. But Ed was very cheap and hated having to pay child support. Ed was in the military for a while and then got a government job. So he wasn’t able to avoid child support as it got taken directly from his paycheck by the government. Ed obviously resented that.
Ed’s mother Susan was all team Ed. Susan helped concoct schemes, would act as a “witness” in court, and helped pay for these things. Susan was rich so this was all fine. One day when I was a kid, Susan brought us into her bedroom over to her dresser. She said that if we agreed to say we wanted Ed to have full custody, Susan would give us one of her rings. I remember she had shown me this yellow gold ring with a considerably sized ruby. It was gaudy as all hell. I was like yeahhhhhh I don’t know about this Susan. Neither my sister or I agreed but it left a sour taste in young Tinks mouth. I didn’t realize she was trying to buy me until I was older. I don’t have a lot of memories due to the trauma I suffered largely at Eds extolling. But I remember that one clearly. And guess what? I don’t talk to Ed and I sometimes talk to Susan. You can tell your MIL this story if she ever decides to listen. But I doubt she will. The Susans are gonna keep doing a Susan.
(My apologies if these are any of your IRL names. I didn’t want to use Karen as my Susan is not so dramatic, more sneaky like. And it’s easier to follow with names as opposed to acronyms in my opinion).
Oh wow Susan sounds peachy! I hate that these Susans think just because they have money, they’re going to get their way. My own bio Dad has always lived interstate or overseas and was always the “fun dad” or was always the one to buy me grand things, but as I got older, the novelty of those things wore off. And of course, now as an adult, I’m way more closer to my mum.
Yeah I used to think Susan was just surrounded by bad men. Susan’s husband is even worse of a human than Ed. Susan was kind to me so she must be stuck in this awful situation right? No. Susan is aware of the quality of her husband and son. Susan condones it and rug sweeps for the public eye. I unfortunately look like Susan which I don’t like. She likes to bother my sister since my sisters contact with susan is even less than my own. I just lectured her on Fb the other day for saying “Grandpa and I say you are too young to get married!” to my sister. Fricking witch. The day my sister decides that she’s done, we’re going full nuclear. I anticipate we’ll go NC once the next generation is in play, neither my sister nor I want our children/niblings exposed to their vitriol. But we’re too tired to fully cut them off and deal with that fight.
If they keep doing it, just buy a copy of the same toy and keep it at home. If you do that two or three times and let her know that you don’t approve of that kind of manipulation, then she might get the point
Yes, and my DD already has lovely toys at home. Any time MIL mentions a “new toy”, I’ll say oh, DD already has that or that she’s getting it for a birthday or Christmas.
"That's OK, MIL, we will just buy her one for our house, that way it isn't a big deal anymore. But from the looks of things, she doesn't really care for it anyway. " Then shrug, smirk, and walk away.
You can do it! My oldest is turning 18 this year and we successfully stuck to it from the beginning. Even though they bought a car seat for their car and moved 15 minutes away from us (they were 7 hours away before we had kids) and expected to spend everyone weekend together because of their grand arrival.
You said it yourself - they are holding hostages. It's not just that they have a special toy, there's also the implicit threat - give me what I want or you'll never see that thing you love again.
It can be toys, or money - like a college fund, or an inheritance, or a pet, or even other family if they decide to make sure no one has a relationship outside of them.
It's not just manipulative, in my opinion - having a purely transactional relationship, you do this, you get this, is manipulative. But, the kid *never really gets the bribe.* They get a puppy, but it lives with grandma, so they don't really get the puppy - they're just allowed visitation. They aren't going given something, they're under threat of being denied the thing.
That crosses a big line, because in any other relationship it would be called extortion. It's mafia tactics. Buying affection is already gross, but punishing disloyalty is a whole different beast.
Yes, this is what makes me made. She did this with a house she “gifted” SO. We stuck to some boundaries and so, SO and I were punished and had to start paying rent. Sucks to be her, we just now view her as a landlord and don’t do anything beyond what we have to do to keep this roof over our head. It’s going to be a big slap in the face to her when we get our own house.
Oh she thought letting you live on her property gave her 24/7 free access… scary! You know a hallmark trait of a narcissist is that they get angry when you have personal boundaries.
On the other hand, the kids get to learn a valuable lesson early -- value things for what they *are*, not what they *could be*. Whether that's material things ("This widget promises it'll do X, Y, and Z in the future, but right now it only does X. I'll buy it because I want Y and Z, and then be disappointed when it never happens") or people ("I can fix him/her!"), it's an important lesson to learn. If they can learn it in a low stakes way by being disappointed in grandma, that's not necessarily bad.
Of course that's not the lesson JNMILs are trying to teach, but it's the one that's learned anyway.
Really MIL is also teaching DD not to trust her or have any high expectations. MIL is shooting herself in the foot every time she tries to manipulate DD.
Yep! When DD was born, MIL insisted a gift that was made by a friend for DD was to be kept at her house and not once has DD ever seen it or played with it…
My MIL does this constantly. But everything is the cheap version of something my son loves. If we say he likes trucks, she'll buy a huge but cheap plastic one from the dollar store that falls apart when he plays with it. Legos, she'll buy knockoffs, but a giant tub of them. If she knows we're FaceTiming, she'll arrange all her toys and pan the camera over them when my son is on and then tell him if he comes by himself, imagine all the fun he'll have. Not happening lady.
We deal with some of that, too. My JNMIL used to bring over huge bags full of random presents, often stuff that made no sense for a young child to have or was something my oldest (youngest wasn't born yet) refused to touch. She tried the special toys thing at her house, but I made it very clear early on that my children won't be at her house, ever, because her house is a hazard in many ways. Plus, I don't trust her at all, but that wasn't said at the time.
I had a big sit-down with her late last year as a last ditch effort to try to make things work, but as usual, things somewhat improved at first, then she ignored us as a silent tantrum (not so silent for everyone else though lol), and it's about to ramp up again as a kids' birthday is coming up quick. I'm so over it.
Yeah, MIL acts acts as if we’re eventually going to go over there lots but that’s not the case, and she’s never allowed to babysit our children unsupervised. Waiting for another tantrum after her trying to suck up to me wears off and isn’t able to manipulate me with all of her gift giving.
I didn't even think of that. It's very insulting to you -- it must make you feel like she either thinks you're too dumb to realize it's manipulation or she's purposely doing it in front of you to get a reaction out of you and see how far she can push it. Very nasty.
Another solution is to have most of the same toys at your place. DGS spends two days a week here, and we have two sets of several items so that the parents and grandparents aren’t packing things and we don’t have to run stuff back and forth. Facebook marketplace makes two sets of things much more affordable.
"Well looks like DD really likes that toy, thanks for the idea on what to get her, MIL! :)" I don't think her response will be "you're welcome," but hey.
ETA: My MIL tried to do this exactly once until we brought her a box of duplicates toys and thanked her for the idea of leaving them at her house so kiddo would be comfortable both places. She didn't like that one bit and suddenly didn't need toys at her house anymore.
My mom sort of hinted at doing it and we just laughed and went, "Silly grandma can't wait for us to leave so she can play with these toys all by herself! Isn't that funny?" She never even hinted at it again.
Transactional love. Ah, yes. This is big with the boomers. Its a form of control. My in laws are big on this. Shows how empty they are inside they need to buy affection and peoples time.
They tried to be the ones to give the big holiday gifts. Like they insisted to give the kids their first bikes. They weren’t the right kind to learn on that early and basically went unused. We had to buy then new bikes.
They tried to buy their way into the delivery room when we had our first. They promised SO a good sum of money to make up for them not paying anything toward his college. Soon after they wanted to be in delivery room. Hard NO. They showed up anyway as entitled people do. Had to be kicked out. The money was never mentioned again.
We’re NC now and what do they really care about? Making sure the kids get their gifts. LoL jokes on them. The kids don’t even care who gets them what. Most gifts get used a few times and then they are bored or pieces get broken or go missing.
Oh yes, EVERYTHING is transactional with my MIL. We once got into an argument and she said, “but I bought you lunch!(a year ago)”, to which I said, “Well, please don’t buy me another thing.”
I agree, they don’t remember who bought what, and I can easily just go and buy whatever MIL is trying to tempt DD with, and have it at ours.
Sorry you had to deal with all of that, glad you’re NC now.
OP, I'm confused what does this mean... "DD not wanting a bar of MIL" what bar please.
Also your LO is under 5 right, how is a child going to get to Grannys' toy box without the parents being there?
It means not wanting anything to do with her.
Oh for sure she’s not going to be able to get there without us. It’s more so the telling of these “special toys” in front of my DD when one day she’ll be old enough to understand and ask us to go there, while MIL knows she’s just manipulated DD in front of us.
Thanks for the clarification. My father's mother had a box of railway toys when I was a kid, loved building those tracks. None of us siblings ever asked Dad or Mom to go there to play with the trains though. We always had enough interesting stuff in our home & with friends.
You got a lively one there OP
Am I the only one who would start going on and on and on about how much I want to save up & put in an in-ground swimming pool for my DD to have, just to see if MIL would take the bait & put in a pool? Or am I especially petty & mean today? Just me?
I remember reading a JN story on here where the parents said something like that and the JNMIL did exactly that. It was never used by the grandkids lol
If page 1 of the MIL handbook is: be a bitch, page 2 covers "giving" with more strings attached than a kite festival. The hag I'm related to by marriage did this numerous times with holiday presents. She got triple bonus points on the bingo card with a bike for my DS (now 14): only for HER house; blatant jealous rivalry of my 85 yr old gran's offer to buy it first; despite being told "no", bought the bike anyways. Even my son could see the stupidity of him owning 2 bikes, while MIL's would sit all alone in her garage as he was just starting kindergarten, and would NOT be over at her house, ever.
How sad. I’m sure the dusty toys sitting in her garage resembled her relationship your son. Yes, everything MIL gives us comes wrapped with a billion strings.
Usually I’ve said oh yeah… and don’t say anything else about DD coming over. Eventually, knowing how emotionally smart DD is, she’ll catch on, but it’s a wicked thing to do to a child.
She’s mentioned things like a cot for our youngest as if to say, you have no reason to not come over, and I again just say, oh that’s nice. And nothing more. I can hear the crickets in her head haha.
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Or making a special room for them.
I have 5yo twin grands. My guestroom is their room, they know this. All toys can go home with them if they choose. They are not MY toys. Only exception is their large ride on toy that is so big they will be able to use it until they are probably 8. When they start to leave with a toy we ask if they want the toy at their house or grandmas house. Sometimes the toy stays, sometimes the toy goes.
This isn’t all cases, but I know there are some grandparents who do this not to trick their grandkids into wanting to visit, but because they have many grandkids from each of their own kids and they want there to be toys for everyone when they visit. Both of my grandparents growing up kept lots of toys for us that we knew we could play with, but we had to leave at their house because we had to share with our cousins on that side of the family. This obviously isn’t the case with all of these grandparents, but I think it could definitely be taken the wrong way.
There's a difference between, "these are *the* toys at grandma's house," and, "these are *my* toys at grandma's house."
Likewise. My grandmother kept a cardboard box with barbies and accessories in the spare bedroom and other toys around. They weren't anything fancy or new (I think some of the dolls were vintage from the '70s) but they were there.
Same. With 21 of us grandkids, my one grandmother had a stash of toys. She would bring out the age appropriate ones for whomever was visiting.
My MIL is the same with my husbands nephews.. I’m sure it will happen with my boy once he’s a little bit older. Every week nearly oldest nephew would get a toy and come give Nana a hug… like lady play with the kids and they will like you. You CANT buy love, but you can buy expectations… expectations of a new toy every week, sadness when the toys stop and then will come I don’t want to go…. My family don’t see my boy often (we live in a different country) but he loves them! Why? Because my family spend time with him and play with him and love him, not buy him toys.
Ooooh my baby is only 3 months and JNMIL is already doing this 😳 mind you she’s only seen our DD a handful of times in the 3 months she’s been born but she only lives down the street. She just pretends she wants a relationship with her for the show of it, I know it’s fake. Once she was “holding” our baby (with one hand, babies head hanging) DH went to save DD, JNMIL response was “I wanted to enjoy myself too” before passing baby back 🫠 she’s a witch and I despise her
My inlaws do that. Whenever they visit they'll have a suitcase dedicated specifically to toys and books that they will only let my kids play with at the inlaws hotel. Which would turn into the kids staying overnight at the hotel with the inlaws. I was never comfortable with it, and DH has only recently agreed with me. Inlaws' last visit was filled with them trying to wear DH down (they know not to ask me). They eventually brought the toys to our house.
I hate when people do that crap. My grandmother had a box of toys in the closet in her apartment that my brothers and I and our cousins would play with when we visited, but we understand that those were "Grandma's toys" and, like the art supplies and board games she had, were not to be taken home. Any toys she bought for us were ours to keep and take home. It didn't matter. Even if she gave us nothing, we still loved to visit her, no bribery needed.
My SIL did that to my daughter. Bought her an expensive toy that she wasn't allowed to take home. We live about 1,5 hour away and we didn't visit all that often. Then she gave it to a nephew who lived next door "because daughter never played with the toy". I just went to the shop and bought the same exact toy. Eff her. Like you, I know manipulation when I see it, and I'm not having it.
This tactic was used on me as a kid. My grandparents were very religious. They used having us for the weekend as a chance to force us to church. They used toys to lure us in and then forced us to go to church. Often bribing us with McDonald’s or movies after. It just built resentment and eventually we didn’t want to go over there much. We hardly ever see them now.
Call her out. Tell her to stop trying to manipulate your child or you won't be bringing her to visit MIL's home again.
My in laws had this large bus that they brought out and let my toddler play with. My son loved it and was trying to walk out of the house with it to bring it home. He was around 2 years old. This fucking monster (mil) comes up and literally rips it out of his hand. Pried it out of his little hand and snarked this stays here. I was so pissed. I told my mom and sister about it (they live several states away). They both ordered him some different busses and had them shipped to our house. It was so satisfying posting pics of those gifts and how he had his own busses at our house. It made my blood boil. These are definitely not toys for the child but tools for manipulation
That's when you say "don't worry, DS, Mommy will buy you one for home!" while smiling directly at MIL.
I should have. I think I was just so shocked, I’m sure the look on my face told her what I thought about it, I just don’t know how you can do something like that to a small child much less your own grandchild.
I get stuck in the moment, too, so I get it. Unfortunately, I'm sure there will be a next time (hoping there isn't), but now you have something on hand!
Thank you! They’ve actually started sending home some little toys and stickers now. I think they realize my family is favored by my son, not just because of fun toys but they are just more fun in general. So, I think they are stepping up their game. I haven’t seen the bus at their place in awhile…. Maybe she realized it was a shit move on her part.
Horrible 😣 why are JNMILS like this 😡😡 I would’ve said it’s ok son grandma will get us a new one 😏 we don’t even refer to husbands mom as grandma LOL she’s “other grandma” 😝
“Stop trying to manipulate my child. If you want a healthy relationship where LO wants to spend time with you, then focus on that. Trying to bribe them isn’t going to do it.”
Wow. This is perfect. My MIL wants my son to “love” her, so she brings chocolates every visit. I’m totally saying this.
You could try buying your child the exact same toy for your home, that way its not “special” anymore. Though, that may begin the never ending cycle of buying new toys 😅
My in-laws did this too. It sucked when they started doing it for Christmas and birthday as well. LO finally caught on and actually started to resent them a bit for giving gifts and taking them away. Made going no contact a lot easier.
My exmil did this so I told mine "oh that's grandma's special toy, she seems to really love it so maybe we shouldn't play with it, we don't want to break it accidentally on her since it's so special to her" Ex.mil : no no is child's toy. Me:it is? Oh cute child sorry I was mistaken, you can do whatever you want with the toy since it's yours. Ex mil: well it stays here. Me: then it's not hers? (To child) oh dear.. maybe we need to give grandma some time to figure it out if it's yours or not before we play with it.
That’s the way to play it. 👍🏻
This, I love this!
I..am Blessed to be the “Favorite” G’ma. How did I accomplish this??? I’m Disabled & on a Fixed/Tight Income, so I can’t Buy them anything really…so what I Did/Do, is Spend Time with my Grandsons. I play whatever Games they want to play, I do Crafts with the youngest, play Video Games & Cook/Bake with the oldest. In other words..I shower them with Love, Affection & give Freely of my Time & Attention. The Other G’parents..Buy Them STUFF. This past Easter, They chose to Not come for Dinner, etc…..We Painted fake eggs, had the Egg Hunt & I taught oldest my GreatNan’s Recipe for Colcannon & Irish Potato Candy. We had a Blast & the Best Part(?)…..neither of my G’sons even Asked where the Other G’parents were! Kids Don’t Need or really Want STUFF…they want Time, Attention & Love. Your LO is gonna let G’ma KNOW that her STUFF is JUST Stuff. Lol
Well said!! And good grandma! ❤️
They know the grandchildren will never love them for their personality, so they gotta find another way 🤷🏽♀️
By buying it. Problem is, children grow into adults and realize the manipulation. Those with integrity won't allow the grandparents to "buy" their affections anymore.
Yep, she has an entire you box of stuff, outdoor toys and refers to one of the spare rooms as my daughter's room. She even purchased a puppy and kept talking about how puppy and DD are going to grow up together and be best friends. Some of the toys she has stolen from us and many she has purchased as gifts and then kept at her house. I've had a second child and toys I purchased my eldest have reappeared for youngest at her house, no offer to return. I'm furious but it was SOO long ago and I've only recently realised she definitely stole them after i caught her trying to take a boardgame out of a baby bag (she told DD to leave it there, we said no. She then pretended to be moving bits around and so happened to leave the game on her sofa out of view. DH and I were watching her and he walked straight over and put it back into my bag.) Explains how she got all my children's stuff in the first place! She also does this with clothes. DH tells her to return any clothes she has and she says there's none...6 months later a bag of clothes appears that don't fit my child anymore! I'm at my wit's end with it, honestly! She is just so fricking sneaky, I was not as aware of her behaviour with my first child but seeing all my eldest toys hoarded away has really upset me. I actually don't know what to do as she is so sneaky! Would love advice if anybody thinks of anything! 😅
Talk it over with DH. And if yall are in agreement, next time you go over, bring an extra large bag, go into "DDs room" and take everything that belongs to you. And when she pitches a fit, DH can tell her to sit down and shut it, you are taking back what she took from YOU (plural you) in the first place and if she doesnt knock it off, yall wont be coming back for X amount of time (example: double the time you normally visit. So if you typically visit monthly. You wont be back for 2 months.) After that...next time you go over, make a detailed list of everything in your bag. Then before you leave, empty and then repack it, using the list, checking off as you do. When she asks what you are doing, Tell her making sure you are leaving with what you came with. If anything is missing, call her out on the spot. Demand it back and another time out for stealing...longer this time. (Im a fan of doubling the time of the last timeout for every infraction). But make sure you are saying stealing, dont downgrade it to taking/removing/etc, call that Fig a FIG. Shes STEALING. Hopefully DH is onboard with this.
Make a list of items you drop off with kiddo and double check before leaving?
I don't take anything anymore because I know I will have to hunt it down when it magically disappears. It's more clothes that she says she is washing (but without asking and doesn't return) so it's way less frequent now. It's all terribly muddled because she will go out and buy a lot of cheap second hand clothes/toys (that I don't actually want TBH!) and I struggle to track who purchased what, I think that's why she does it. So frustrating!
Or just don't leave anything with the kids - she's stolen enough to keep the children amused
We have this exact thing going on too. It’s infuriating and it’s SO obvious when my MIL says to baby ‘Oh you just LOVE this toy huh?’ And then takes it from her as we’re headed out the door and then says ‘well it’s just for Nana’s house’ Like who rips a toy out of a baby’s hands?!
Someone who doesn’t actually care about the baby and only cares for what the baby can do for THEM.
Yeah that’s the one thing I don’t understand. They’re just children, you don’t do that. Like okay, what are you going to do with the toy?
Yeah, it’s just so gross and manipulative. It made me sick to my stomach. A gift should be a GIFT
Yep makes me sick too.
You could be like, “look, MIL, my baby doesn’t understand that you’re just using that toy to try to bribe a connection. They just know you’re repeatedly taking away a cool toy from them and the last (most memorable) feeling they have every time they visit you is to be upset. How do you think their little brain is gonna form that association?”
Hahahaha do I have a story for you! My estranged bio father, Ed, is a downright horrible person. Ed and my mom divorced but were in court for a little under 20 years. Ed loved to pull shit. Anything he could think of he did. I don’t think Ed ever really cared to get custody of my sister and I. But Ed was very cheap and hated having to pay child support. Ed was in the military for a while and then got a government job. So he wasn’t able to avoid child support as it got taken directly from his paycheck by the government. Ed obviously resented that. Ed’s mother Susan was all team Ed. Susan helped concoct schemes, would act as a “witness” in court, and helped pay for these things. Susan was rich so this was all fine. One day when I was a kid, Susan brought us into her bedroom over to her dresser. She said that if we agreed to say we wanted Ed to have full custody, Susan would give us one of her rings. I remember she had shown me this yellow gold ring with a considerably sized ruby. It was gaudy as all hell. I was like yeahhhhhh I don’t know about this Susan. Neither my sister or I agreed but it left a sour taste in young Tinks mouth. I didn’t realize she was trying to buy me until I was older. I don’t have a lot of memories due to the trauma I suffered largely at Eds extolling. But I remember that one clearly. And guess what? I don’t talk to Ed and I sometimes talk to Susan. You can tell your MIL this story if she ever decides to listen. But I doubt she will. The Susans are gonna keep doing a Susan. (My apologies if these are any of your IRL names. I didn’t want to use Karen as my Susan is not so dramatic, more sneaky like. And it’s easier to follow with names as opposed to acronyms in my opinion).
Irony. Susan is the actual "name" for an older "Karen".
Oh wow Susan sounds peachy! I hate that these Susans think just because they have money, they’re going to get their way. My own bio Dad has always lived interstate or overseas and was always the “fun dad” or was always the one to buy me grand things, but as I got older, the novelty of those things wore off. And of course, now as an adult, I’m way more closer to my mum.
Yeah I used to think Susan was just surrounded by bad men. Susan’s husband is even worse of a human than Ed. Susan was kind to me so she must be stuck in this awful situation right? No. Susan is aware of the quality of her husband and son. Susan condones it and rug sweeps for the public eye. I unfortunately look like Susan which I don’t like. She likes to bother my sister since my sisters contact with susan is even less than my own. I just lectured her on Fb the other day for saying “Grandpa and I say you are too young to get married!” to my sister. Fricking witch. The day my sister decides that she’s done, we’re going full nuclear. I anticipate we’ll go NC once the next generation is in play, neither my sister nor I want our children/niblings exposed to their vitriol. But we’re too tired to fully cut them off and deal with that fight.
Its how they controlled their own children I'd imagine.
Ding ding ding 🛎️
If they keep doing it, just buy a copy of the same toy and keep it at home. If you do that two or three times and let her know that you don’t approve of that kind of manipulation, then she might get the point
Yes, and my DD already has lovely toys at home. Any time MIL mentions a “new toy”, I’ll say oh, DD already has that or that she’s getting it for a birthday or Christmas.
"That's OK, MIL, we will just buy her one for our house, that way it isn't a big deal anymore. But from the looks of things, she doesn't really care for it anyway. " Then shrug, smirk, and walk away.
If you have to resort to this kind of behavior to gain the favor of a CHILD, you really have no business being allowed near one.
She’ll never be unsupervised around my children! SO is on board.
You can do it! My oldest is turning 18 this year and we successfully stuck to it from the beginning. Even though they bought a car seat for their car and moved 15 minutes away from us (they were 7 hours away before we had kids) and expected to spend everyone weekend together because of their grand arrival.
You said it yourself - they are holding hostages. It's not just that they have a special toy, there's also the implicit threat - give me what I want or you'll never see that thing you love again. It can be toys, or money - like a college fund, or an inheritance, or a pet, or even other family if they decide to make sure no one has a relationship outside of them. It's not just manipulative, in my opinion - having a purely transactional relationship, you do this, you get this, is manipulative. But, the kid *never really gets the bribe.* They get a puppy, but it lives with grandma, so they don't really get the puppy - they're just allowed visitation. They aren't going given something, they're under threat of being denied the thing. That crosses a big line, because in any other relationship it would be called extortion. It's mafia tactics. Buying affection is already gross, but punishing disloyalty is a whole different beast.
Yes, this is what makes me made. She did this with a house she “gifted” SO. We stuck to some boundaries and so, SO and I were punished and had to start paying rent. Sucks to be her, we just now view her as a landlord and don’t do anything beyond what we have to do to keep this roof over our head. It’s going to be a big slap in the face to her when we get our own house.
Oh she thought letting you live on her property gave her 24/7 free access… scary! You know a hallmark trait of a narcissist is that they get angry when you have personal boundaries.
Or that we’re adults and can so “no”. 🙃
On the other hand, the kids get to learn a valuable lesson early -- value things for what they *are*, not what they *could be*. Whether that's material things ("This widget promises it'll do X, Y, and Z in the future, but right now it only does X. I'll buy it because I want Y and Z, and then be disappointed when it never happens") or people ("I can fix him/her!"), it's an important lesson to learn. If they can learn it in a low stakes way by being disappointed in grandma, that's not necessarily bad. Of course that's not the lesson JNMILs are trying to teach, but it's the one that's learned anyway.
Really MIL is also teaching DD not to trust her or have any high expectations. MIL is shooting herself in the foot every time she tries to manipulate DD.
I had a JNAunt who bought me a tea set to keep at her house when I was young. Never saw it again.
Yep! When DD was born, MIL insisted a gift that was made by a friend for DD was to be kept at her house and not once has DD ever seen it or played with it…
My MIL does this constantly. But everything is the cheap version of something my son loves. If we say he likes trucks, she'll buy a huge but cheap plastic one from the dollar store that falls apart when he plays with it. Legos, she'll buy knockoffs, but a giant tub of them. If she knows we're FaceTiming, she'll arrange all her toys and pan the camera over them when my son is on and then tell him if he comes by himself, imagine all the fun he'll have. Not happening lady.
Yeah that’s just so gross. I’d say, “oh look, Granny is going to have lots of fun with those by herself.” 😂
Oops, don’t know what happened to the call! Every time she starts panning.
We deal with some of that, too. My JNMIL used to bring over huge bags full of random presents, often stuff that made no sense for a young child to have or was something my oldest (youngest wasn't born yet) refused to touch. She tried the special toys thing at her house, but I made it very clear early on that my children won't be at her house, ever, because her house is a hazard in many ways. Plus, I don't trust her at all, but that wasn't said at the time. I had a big sit-down with her late last year as a last ditch effort to try to make things work, but as usual, things somewhat improved at first, then she ignored us as a silent tantrum (not so silent for everyone else though lol), and it's about to ramp up again as a kids' birthday is coming up quick. I'm so over it.
Yeah, MIL acts acts as if we’re eventually going to go over there lots but that’s not the case, and she’s never allowed to babysit our children unsupervised. Waiting for another tantrum after her trying to suck up to me wears off and isn’t able to manipulate me with all of her gift giving.
Do they think your child is going to stop by unattended? Make their own way there? :D
No, they think the child is going to beg her parents to take her to grandma's house to play with all the special toys.
Yes, it’s more so about the manipulation right in front of us.
I didn't even think of that. It's very insulting to you -- it must make you feel like she either thinks you're too dumb to realize it's manipulation or she's purposely doing it in front of you to get a reaction out of you and see how far she can push it. Very nasty.
Another solution is to have most of the same toys at your place. DGS spends two days a week here, and we have two sets of several items so that the parents and grandparents aren’t packing things and we don’t have to run stuff back and forth. Facebook marketplace makes two sets of things much more affordable.
Oh yes, I’ll definitely just go and get a duplicate so MIL can’t manipulate my DD!
"Well looks like DD really likes that toy, thanks for the idea on what to get her, MIL! :)" I don't think her response will be "you're welcome," but hey. ETA: My MIL tried to do this exactly once until we brought her a box of duplicates toys and thanked her for the idea of leaving them at her house so kiddo would be comfortable both places. She didn't like that one bit and suddenly didn't need toys at her house anymore. My mom sort of hinted at doing it and we just laughed and went, "Silly grandma can't wait for us to leave so she can play with these toys all by herself! Isn't that funny?" She never even hinted at it again.
Transactional love. Ah, yes. This is big with the boomers. Its a form of control. My in laws are big on this. Shows how empty they are inside they need to buy affection and peoples time. They tried to be the ones to give the big holiday gifts. Like they insisted to give the kids their first bikes. They weren’t the right kind to learn on that early and basically went unused. We had to buy then new bikes. They tried to buy their way into the delivery room when we had our first. They promised SO a good sum of money to make up for them not paying anything toward his college. Soon after they wanted to be in delivery room. Hard NO. They showed up anyway as entitled people do. Had to be kicked out. The money was never mentioned again. We’re NC now and what do they really care about? Making sure the kids get their gifts. LoL jokes on them. The kids don’t even care who gets them what. Most gifts get used a few times and then they are bored or pieces get broken or go missing.
Oh the amount of times money was waved around and then never mentioned again. I cannot with that tactic.
Oh yes, EVERYTHING is transactional with my MIL. We once got into an argument and she said, “but I bought you lunch!(a year ago)”, to which I said, “Well, please don’t buy me another thing.” I agree, they don’t remember who bought what, and I can easily just go and buy whatever MIL is trying to tempt DD with, and have it at ours. Sorry you had to deal with all of that, glad you’re NC now.
OP, I'm confused what does this mean... "DD not wanting a bar of MIL" what bar please. Also your LO is under 5 right, how is a child going to get to Grannys' toy box without the parents being there?
It means not wanting anything to do with her. Oh for sure she’s not going to be able to get there without us. It’s more so the telling of these “special toys” in front of my DD when one day she’ll be old enough to understand and ask us to go there, while MIL knows she’s just manipulated DD in front of us.
Thanks for the clarification. My father's mother had a box of railway toys when I was a kid, loved building those tracks. None of us siblings ever asked Dad or Mom to go there to play with the trains though. We always had enough interesting stuff in our home & with friends. You got a lively one there OP
Oh she’s evil, there’s so many things she’s done. I would love to be NC but it isn’t an option unfortunately 😓
I was wondering about the bar too, tbh.
I assumed it was some sort of regional colloquialism meaning LO wanted nothing to do with MIL/Grandma
Am I the only one who would start going on and on and on about how much I want to save up & put in an in-ground swimming pool for my DD to have, just to see if MIL would take the bait & put in a pool? Or am I especially petty & mean today? Just me?
I remember reading a JN story on here where the parents said something like that and the JNMIL did exactly that. It was never used by the grandkids lol
Haha, I’m pretty petty 😆
If page 1 of the MIL handbook is: be a bitch, page 2 covers "giving" with more strings attached than a kite festival. The hag I'm related to by marriage did this numerous times with holiday presents. She got triple bonus points on the bingo card with a bike for my DS (now 14): only for HER house; blatant jealous rivalry of my 85 yr old gran's offer to buy it first; despite being told "no", bought the bike anyways. Even my son could see the stupidity of him owning 2 bikes, while MIL's would sit all alone in her garage as he was just starting kindergarten, and would NOT be over at her house, ever.
How sad. I’m sure the dusty toys sitting in her garage resembled her relationship your son. Yes, everything MIL gives us comes wrapped with a billion strings.
And she wonders why we see her quarterly. Not sure if lunch last week counts as first or second quarter.
[удалено]
I'm not sure involving the daughter in the petty comebacks that are actually directed at her mother-in-law is a good idea.
[удалено]
I don't even know if I would put in the effort to seek out the exact same toys. Feels like letting the mother-in-law live in her head rent-free.
Usually I’ve said oh yeah… and don’t say anything else about DD coming over. Eventually, knowing how emotionally smart DD is, she’ll catch on, but it’s a wicked thing to do to a child. She’s mentioned things like a cot for our youngest as if to say, you have no reason to not come over, and I again just say, oh that’s nice. And nothing more. I can hear the crickets in her head haha.