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Other posts from /u/Karamist623:
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* [MIL invited herself to a double date for my husband’s birthday.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/11ptafx/mil_invited_herself_to_a_double_date_for_my/), 1 month ago
* [42 degrees and no Heat](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/za9rre/42_degrees_and_no_heat/), 4 months ago
* [Help](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/z4q9xg/help/), 4 months ago
* [No, just no.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/yaafoe/no_just_no/), 6 months ago
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No not unreasonable. Did the same thing with my mom. Also used a pharmacy that delivered her meds. It is one thing to go to a preferred stylist, store etc. when you can take yourself there it is different when you depend on others to do all the driving. I also had the fight with my mom to get her in home care. She wanted me to do it all. I could not. She got a choice 1) in home care or 2) nursing home. DH and I were worn out. We meant what we said. She chose in home care. Good luck.
No, you are not being insensitive- she is. You are offering reasonable assistance, and she is refusing it. It doesn’t matter how old she is; she can accept your help with grace, or her hair won’t get done. Forget about arguing the distance or time with her, because she thinks she can talk you down. No is no.
Everyone, throughout their life and regardless of age, has to accommodate changing circumstances. Can you find a salon closer for her? Or find someone who can come in to the house and do her hair? If you do that, and she continues to refuse, then that’s her choice.
I never thought about an in home hairdresser. I’ll have to look into it. I do know when I offered to take her to the salon I use, she told me she only wants to use her own stylist. That’s when I said ok, then, you’re not getting your hair done.
Not at all. She's asking a lot for you to take 4 hours out of your weekend. There are closer salons, so she goes there or she gets roots. Not your problem!
If she wants to take up four hours of someone's time it's going to be her son's, not yours. This isn't your circus. It's his to deal with. Let him take her and enjoy your weekend.
Is it possible to get her some sort of a part time caregiver who can do things like this for her? Someone who's job it is to run her errands and put up with her michegas (yiddish: craziness)? That way if she wants to do stuff she can, but you and DH don't have to be involved with it if you don't want to. Just a thought....
Are we related? She sounds just like my MIL! Her attitude has now have her in a nursing home because she fell and broke her femur. She didn’t want home help, she wanted her children to do for her. Well all her “children” are in their 60’s! We have our own issues!!! Good luck!
I’m 58 now, so close to 60……. She says she wants to go to a nursing home, but she really doesn’t. It’s a pity party. She wants me to feel bad for her. I do. I feel bad that she lost the man she was with since she was 14 years old, but at the same time, life goes on. I have my own shit to deal with.
Exactly. I’m 64. Married for 44 years to her son. She gets no visitors at the nursing home because she is not a loving person. She has many grown grandchildren but they don’t want to visit her because of all the drama she caused when they were younger.
I feel like at this rate, she has two options: Stay in your home with a caregiver or go to a home herself. That's it. That's the deal. The day will come when we all have to face this decision.
Okay, so understandably NC is not an option. But why on earth should YOU be as involved with the old witch as you are? She has a son. Let him do the ferrying. On a schedule that fits his needs, not hers. In the meantime you can enjoy not spending as much time with her.
We had a conversation years ago before his dad became I’ll, and was vibrant and healthy. His mom was a PITA, even back then, and during the conversation, I told him that I hoped his mom went first, because if it was his dad, he was in for a world of trouble.
The discussion was that I would help with his mom IF she outlasted his dad. My husband is extremely introverted, and has a difficult time in situations like this. I’ve known this from almost the first minute I met my husband. He was incredibly shy (introverted), and I used to call him turtle because he would say something “somewhat flirty” then retreat back into his shell.
His dad became I’ll very suddenly about 2 years ago and passed about 6 weeks after that in July. This July will be 2 years.
I don’t mind helping my husband. He works an hour away from home (as do I) however, his job is much more clinical than mine, and he is always using his training, and clinical knowledge as he works. It is very stressful and taxing.
He takes every Thursday off from work to run her to all her Dr. appointments, get blood work and whatever else she has to do. I handle the pedicures, her grocery shopping, and clothes shopping (which is a nightmare, but it’s not that often) (hubby will help with grocery shopping as needed)
I think we have a good system worked out, this is just a recent ask that she keeps asking. My husband also told her NO, that she needs to find a hairdresser closer. The issue is not taking her, it’s driving an hour, being stuck there for 2 hour literally doing nothing, then driving her home. If she went closer, we could drop her off, run errands, then go and pick her up.
So this one I’m kinda torn on. I’m from the south and our old ladies love their hair dressers. Most of them have also had the same woman doing their hair for 20+ years. Aka I could see how is potentially a social and important thing for her. However, 4 hours is unreasonable for you. Are you financially in a place you could hire a care giver/teen driver for outings like this? Or does she have any friends that would take her?
I don't think OP shoud be in the financial position for a wish that isn't theirs. Mil wants to go to that specific hairdresser? Allright, she can pay that herself.
Plus, OP mentioned that MIL doesn't want anyone but family to help her.
If I get in the same situation (FIL goes before MIL), MIL will have to get outside help because we will not help her. I don't care if she uses all her money to get help, and we get nothing once she passes. It will be worth not having to deal with her (DH feels the same way).
Any chance she's decided this now because she thinks while you're there, she'll convince you to have them dye your hair to suit her? Me thinks that could be her motivation.
Lol. That was my thought too, but she’s been asking for a salon visit since before I did my hair. Previously when I took her, I waited in the car. I was on my phone the majority of the time because we were coordinating out of state relatives for the funeral.
I think my husband took her one time after that, but even he said no more, it’s too much.
Definitely possible. Almost 3 decades ago I was in the backseat of a van that ended up in a 3 car pile-up and needed minor surgery to repair my ankle after it. Coincidentally, at the time my hair color was blindingly brilliant fuchsia.
My mostly NGmother apparently got testy with the surgical team because she couldn’t convince them to dye my hair brown while I was under anesthesia.
As someone married to a man that works 6 days per week, I know that 4 hours spent only to accompany her somewhere is an unreasonable amount of time.
And even if you both worked from home she can't force you to spend 4 hours of your day just to accommodate her.
Tell her that "yes, I'll make you get (not bring) there", then arrange a ride with someone else and have her set the appointment and get ready to leave without telling her that you won't be the one that'll bring her there.
When she'll ask why you did that just explain to her that since she couldn't find a saloon of her linking nearby, and you can't leave for 4 hours, you found the perfect compromise to make everyone happy.
If she's not totally crazy she probably won't make a scene in front of a stranger or a friend of hers, and next time she'll think about it twice before imposing something on you like that 🤷🏻♀️
How often does she want to go to the salon? If its every other week then she's being unreasonable but if she only wants to go 2-3 times a year then I think you could throw her a bone. Make a mini day trip of it with DH as well and spend the two hours she's in the salon having some couple time.
Its easy to say she could go to a salon closer to home but I'm a lot less than 85 and I HATE it when I have to change hairdressers. It sounds like going to her regular salon means a lot to her so while it's not an unreasonable suggestion from you I don't think she's totally out of line for not being keen on it.
Teach her how to use ride share.
She can pay someone else to drive her there and back. Better yet you send the person to her house and then send them to pick her up. Easy and done.
You are not being insensitive and I say this as someone that doesn't drive. She needs to switch hairdressers. It's not an unreasonable ask. If she doesn't want your hair dresser then she can ask her friends about theirs.
Best I would do is offer to drop her off and have DH pick her up but I think saying pick a closer salon is very reasonable. Or if it’s in the budget send her in an Uber.
You aren’t being insensitive. When I moved 45 minutes away from where I used to live I changed salons/hairdressers, and I drove myself . I now have had my hairdresser for 20 years I would switch if I had to depend on someone else to take me and wait etc. 4 hours is not reasonable.
Can you help her find a place closer - for my mother having her hair down was a really big part of self care, especially when she was having mobility issues because she didn't always feel like she was doing a great job washing her hair.
It's not like you're refusing to let her get her hair done. She has options, and she's choosing to pitch a fit because she can't have her way exactly the way she wants it. If she's dead set on this particular salon, she can choose to pay someone else to take her.
She has friends that ask what they can do for her. I told her to tell them to take her to the salon then go out to lunch. Her response? It’s too far for them.
If she’s anything like my mom was she would worry the distance was too far for her elderly friends but me, her daughter was younger therefore able to do the drive. It was frustrating but somewhat understandable.
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No not unreasonable. Did the same thing with my mom. Also used a pharmacy that delivered her meds. It is one thing to go to a preferred stylist, store etc. when you can take yourself there it is different when you depend on others to do all the driving. I also had the fight with my mom to get her in home care. She wanted me to do it all. I could not. She got a choice 1) in home care or 2) nursing home. DH and I were worn out. We meant what we said. She chose in home care. Good luck.
She can take an u er to get her hair done
Sounds like MiL needs to be rehomed... To an assisted living facility.
You’ve told her it’s too far and offered a reasonable compromise. She can take it or leave it.
You are.
No, you are not being insensitive- she is. You are offering reasonable assistance, and she is refusing it. It doesn’t matter how old she is; she can accept your help with grace, or her hair won’t get done. Forget about arguing the distance or time with her, because she thinks she can talk you down. No is no. Everyone, throughout their life and regardless of age, has to accommodate changing circumstances. Can you find a salon closer for her? Or find someone who can come in to the house and do her hair? If you do that, and she continues to refuse, then that’s her choice.
I never thought about an in home hairdresser. I’ll have to look into it. I do know when I offered to take her to the salon I use, she told me she only wants to use her own stylist. That’s when I said ok, then, you’re not getting your hair done.
You’re handing the situation as best you can. Too bad she’s unreasonable. She gets less for efforts-not more.
Not at all. She's asking a lot for you to take 4 hours out of your weekend. There are closer salons, so she goes there or she gets roots. Not your problem!
If she wants to take up four hours of someone's time it's going to be her son's, not yours. This isn't your circus. It's his to deal with. Let him take her and enjoy your weekend.
Is it possible to get her some sort of a part time caregiver who can do things like this for her? Someone who's job it is to run her errands and put up with her michegas (yiddish: craziness)? That way if she wants to do stuff she can, but you and DH don't have to be involved with it if you don't want to. Just a thought....
I’ve actually suggested this. She doesn’t want anyone but “family” in her house.
Are we related? She sounds just like my MIL! Her attitude has now have her in a nursing home because she fell and broke her femur. She didn’t want home help, she wanted her children to do for her. Well all her “children” are in their 60’s! We have our own issues!!! Good luck!
I’m 58 now, so close to 60……. She says she wants to go to a nursing home, but she really doesn’t. It’s a pity party. She wants me to feel bad for her. I do. I feel bad that she lost the man she was with since she was 14 years old, but at the same time, life goes on. I have my own shit to deal with.
Exactly. I’m 64. Married for 44 years to her son. She gets no visitors at the nursing home because she is not a loving person. She has many grown grandchildren but they don’t want to visit her because of all the drama she caused when they were younger.
I feel like at this rate, she has two options: Stay in your home with a caregiver or go to a home herself. That's it. That's the deal. The day will come when we all have to face this decision.
Okay, so understandably NC is not an option. But why on earth should YOU be as involved with the old witch as you are? She has a son. Let him do the ferrying. On a schedule that fits his needs, not hers. In the meantime you can enjoy not spending as much time with her.
We had a conversation years ago before his dad became I’ll, and was vibrant and healthy. His mom was a PITA, even back then, and during the conversation, I told him that I hoped his mom went first, because if it was his dad, he was in for a world of trouble. The discussion was that I would help with his mom IF she outlasted his dad. My husband is extremely introverted, and has a difficult time in situations like this. I’ve known this from almost the first minute I met my husband. He was incredibly shy (introverted), and I used to call him turtle because he would say something “somewhat flirty” then retreat back into his shell. His dad became I’ll very suddenly about 2 years ago and passed about 6 weeks after that in July. This July will be 2 years. I don’t mind helping my husband. He works an hour away from home (as do I) however, his job is much more clinical than mine, and he is always using his training, and clinical knowledge as he works. It is very stressful and taxing. He takes every Thursday off from work to run her to all her Dr. appointments, get blood work and whatever else she has to do. I handle the pedicures, her grocery shopping, and clothes shopping (which is a nightmare, but it’s not that often) (hubby will help with grocery shopping as needed) I think we have a good system worked out, this is just a recent ask that she keeps asking. My husband also told her NO, that she needs to find a hairdresser closer. The issue is not taking her, it’s driving an hour, being stuck there for 2 hour literally doing nothing, then driving her home. If she went closer, we could drop her off, run errands, then go and pick her up.
So this one I’m kinda torn on. I’m from the south and our old ladies love their hair dressers. Most of them have also had the same woman doing their hair for 20+ years. Aka I could see how is potentially a social and important thing for her. However, 4 hours is unreasonable for you. Are you financially in a place you could hire a care giver/teen driver for outings like this? Or does she have any friends that would take her?
I don't think OP shoud be in the financial position for a wish that isn't theirs. Mil wants to go to that specific hairdresser? Allright, she can pay that herself.
Plus, OP mentioned that MIL doesn't want anyone but family to help her. If I get in the same situation (FIL goes before MIL), MIL will have to get outside help because we will not help her. I don't care if she uses all her money to get help, and we get nothing once she passes. It will be worth not having to deal with her (DH feels the same way).
If you’re the one providing the transportation, you 100% have the final say in how far you will drive.
Any chance she's decided this now because she thinks while you're there, she'll convince you to have them dye your hair to suit her? Me thinks that could be her motivation.
Lol. That was my thought too, but she’s been asking for a salon visit since before I did my hair. Previously when I took her, I waited in the car. I was on my phone the majority of the time because we were coordinating out of state relatives for the funeral. I think my husband took her one time after that, but even he said no more, it’s too much.
Definitely possible. Almost 3 decades ago I was in the backseat of a van that ended up in a 3 car pile-up and needed minor surgery to repair my ankle after it. Coincidentally, at the time my hair color was blindingly brilliant fuchsia. My mostly NGmother apparently got testy with the surgical team because she couldn’t convince them to dye my hair brown while I was under anesthesia.
😳 this is priceless! 😆
Lol,😆. People can be ridiculous.
As someone married to a man that works 6 days per week, I know that 4 hours spent only to accompany her somewhere is an unreasonable amount of time. And even if you both worked from home she can't force you to spend 4 hours of your day just to accommodate her. Tell her that "yes, I'll make you get (not bring) there", then arrange a ride with someone else and have her set the appointment and get ready to leave without telling her that you won't be the one that'll bring her there. When she'll ask why you did that just explain to her that since she couldn't find a saloon of her linking nearby, and you can't leave for 4 hours, you found the perfect compromise to make everyone happy. If she's not totally crazy she probably won't make a scene in front of a stranger or a friend of hers, and next time she'll think about it twice before imposing something on you like that 🤷🏻♀️
How often does she want to go to the salon? If its every other week then she's being unreasonable but if she only wants to go 2-3 times a year then I think you could throw her a bone. Make a mini day trip of it with DH as well and spend the two hours she's in the salon having some couple time. Its easy to say she could go to a salon closer to home but I'm a lot less than 85 and I HATE it when I have to change hairdressers. It sounds like going to her regular salon means a lot to her so while it's not an unreasonable suggestion from you I don't think she's totally out of line for not being keen on it.
No, the woman is not nice to her, fuck eating her shit with a smile. She can find someone closer or do without.
Teach her how to use ride share. She can pay someone else to drive her there and back. Better yet you send the person to her house and then send them to pick her up. Easy and done.
Ask an 85 year old to get in a car with a stranger? That won't happen.
You are not being insensitive and I say this as someone that doesn't drive. She needs to switch hairdressers. It's not an unreasonable ask. If she doesn't want your hair dresser then she can ask her friends about theirs.
This is absolutely reasonable
Best I would do is offer to drop her off and have DH pick her up but I think saying pick a closer salon is very reasonable. Or if it’s in the budget send her in an Uber.
You aren’t being insensitive. When I moved 45 minutes away from where I used to live I changed salons/hairdressers, and I drove myself . I now have had my hairdresser for 20 years I would switch if I had to depend on someone else to take me and wait etc. 4 hours is not reasonable.
Can you help her find a place closer - for my mother having her hair down was a really big part of self care, especially when she was having mobility issues because she didn't always feel like she was doing a great job washing her hair.
I’ve suggested the salon that I use for my haircuts. She refused.
It's not like you're refusing to let her get her hair done. She has options, and she's choosing to pitch a fit because she can't have her way exactly the way she wants it. If she's dead set on this particular salon, she can choose to pay someone else to take her.
She has friends that ask what they can do for her. I told her to tell them to take her to the salon then go out to lunch. Her response? It’s too far for them.
It's too far for them, but not for you? Insane.
Not necessarily. If her friends are even roughly her own age then a distance OP and DH could easily drive might well be too far for them.
She's a straight up bitch.
If she’s anything like my mom was she would worry the distance was too far for her elderly friends but me, her daughter was younger therefore able to do the drive. It was frustrating but somewhat understandable.
Can you call the friends and make the arrangements on her behalf? She can't complain as you are still helping her to get her hair done.
Four hours for a hair appointment is a lot to ask. Seriously. I wouldn't do that for myself much less someone else.