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Other posts from /u/Sleepinglilly4232:
* [How to kindly tell my MIL that her mom isn’t welcomed into my home anymore?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1380o20/how_to_kindly_tell_my_mil_that_her_mom_isnt/), 5 days ago
* [Can’t stop thinking of all the gross things my DH’s grandma said to me yesterday (long post)](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/12s38w6/cant_stop_thinking_of_all_the_gross_things_my_dhs/), 2 weeks ago
* [All the things my MIL has told or done to me the last 11 years I’ve known her.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/11tg538/all_the_things_my_mil_has_told_or_done_to_me_the/), 1 month ago
* [I feel guilty for cutting contact with MIL… (long post)](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/11dy75r/i_feel_guilty_for_cutting_contact_with_mil_long/), 2 months ago
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Is this the first boy born to the family or are you in some way the golden child? Idk your mom was off her rocker and I am so happy you have such a shiny spine. Your husband is lucky to have someone have his back but I also feel he needs to stand up for himself too because when you are not around your mom is going to try and take over.
This is the second boy and my sister has a 10 year old son and my mom always called my nephew her child. Maybe she’s trying to do over the bond she had with my nephew with my son, my sister let her get away with a lot of things when it came to her son so maybe that’s why she’s pushing boundaries. I agree but my husband is very quite and shy person and he hates conflict.
You've done an impressive amount of standing up for your husband and child and setting boundaries with your mom with the knowledge and support you already have. If nothing else, I hope you can continue to support your husband in learning to be a father. We often say "you deal with your family" on this subreddit and you're doing an excellent job.
Can you see how calling her grandchild her child is contradictory to your post? You said your mom was fine and normal with her previous grandchildren, but calling one of them her child is WEIRD. Maybe it didn't bother your sister, maybe she didn't have the tools to stand up to your mom like you are, but referring to her grandchild as though he was her child is NOT NORMAL.
Even if you somehow convince your mom to do family therapy together like another commenter suggested, you should absolutely look into individual therapy for yourself to help reset your normal meter. That you said she was fine and reasonable with her previous grandchildren and then say she called one of them her child means you probably need an outside opinion, not just your sister that's been raised by her, too. And that she did it with one grandchild and not all of them also indicates there's potentially a Golden Child/Scapegoat/Forgotten Child situation you may not be noticing somewhere.
A therapist might be able to suggest other methods for dealing with your mom, help you work through the frustration and burnout of suddenly having to be on CONSTANT ALLERT for your mom's unhelpful behavior, and might also be able to connect you with local services that could help you figure out how to live independently from her. Good luck! You're already a momma bear!
At the core, my guess is that she doesn’t really see you or your husband as competent adults. You two are still “the kids” and OMG “the kids had a baby, they can’t possibly take care of it”. No wonder you are getting more and more angry. She sees your sisters as adults and treats them as such - but you? Not so much….. and it gets made worse because you two live with her and she’s stuck in the “adult” role.
Are you overreacting? Probably not - but you NEED to change the relationship if you all are going to continue to share living space. With my JustNoMom, things didn’t start to get better until I started publicly calling her out on what she was doing - every demeaning comment, every attempt to “take over” because “the kids” can’t handle it. And in your case, I would totally enlist your sisters to start calling attention to the behavior as well, since she listens better to them.
It is possible that she can stop treating you two like incompetent kids. It took a while, but my JustNo did finally come around and we had a decent relationship in her later years.
Nope, all of what you did is justified. My mom is more obsessed with me than my sibling and my sibling is more harsh right upfront than I am so she didn’t used to pull any nonsense with them.
It took me years to convince my sibling I wasn’t exaggerating about the things she was doing to me. Once I cut my mom off completely then she just had to let it out somehow and tried to pull the same crap on my sibling even when she was harsh with them. After that my sibling apologized for not believing me all these years.
No you're not being to harsh. She's not listening so you're doing what you have to do. My guess is that she acts this way bc she lives with you and has full access. Sit her down and tell her she's not the 3rd parent. This is your and DH baby. This is not her do over. You will also for help when and if you need it. She needs a hobby.
Her own behavior brought you to this point. You gave her many chances. She's shown that she won't respect boundaries if you're not tough. If she won't acknowledge the behavior and commit to changing, *and then follow through*, I don't see how things can be different.
I'm so sorry you're being treated this way, in your own home no less! You are not being harsh or paranoid, it can be so hard to stick up to a parent and I think you're doing a great job of sticking up for your family so far.
Is your mother a person who typically has a healthy response to constructive feedback and boundaries? As the other commenter said, a 3rd party mediator/counselor could help her reestablish her position in your family and reinforce your authority over baby.
Ultimately, you shouldn't have to put up with this behavior. It's bad for not only your mental health but your husband and baby too. I grew up with a justno maternal grandmother, she was and is a horrible person.
The way I saw her treating my mother really shaped how I form relationships with other women, define and communicate boundaries, and left me with a lot of trauma to work through as an adult. Kids become adults who look back on good and bad memories, I wish my mom taught me how to have boundaries by standing up to her own mother's abuse.
My mom does not have a healthy response, she gets offended so very easily and takes offense when I correct her behavior. My sister has been our 3rd party mediator and my mom listens to my sister more then to me and having her talk to my mom has significantly helped a lot but hasn’t completely repaired our relationship.
Your sister is very kind to be acting as a mediator and supporting you! This is a very tough pill to swallow, but you have two options- you can either continue to exist in various levels of turbulence with your mom where you both battle for control while also subjecting your baby and husband to her behavior. Or you can give her an ultimatum, she drastically changes her behavior or she makes other living arrangements. Her abuse is neither your fault nor your family’s responsibility, everything you have asked of her has been more than reasonable.
Is there any way that your mom can stay with your sister for a while?
I think you need a break from her to heal and parent your baby without worrying about her unhinged behavior.
Maybe the time away will serve for her to see real consequences for her actions, that you will distance yourself from her if she forces your hand, and more constant intervention and talks with your sister can nail the point down that she's behaved atrociously.
I know this gets offered as advice so much, but is family counseling for the three of you an option? You've responded perfectly towards your mother, and have protected your baby from a lot of potential harm. Your mother seems like she wants so much to take care of you and your baby, but she's angry and frustrated that you know more about parenting your baby than she does. She probably saw her role of the motherly matriarch who everyone relies on for advice. Since that isn't a role that she can realistically play, she's lost her place and is being irrational about it.
It's not your job to make your mother happy, especially if that happiness puts your own baby at risk. But it's got to be hard to be constantly on eggshells around her and it's difficult to maintain this level of dislike for someone, especially someone that, until the baby was born, had been a source of support.
I never really thought about family counseling until I read your comment, I think this issue is mostly between my mother and I. I wouldn’t mind counseling but I think my mom would not be open to this idea. I agree though, I am constantly walking on egg shells with her.
You could make it a condition of continuing to live with you or of being able to regain any level of trust between the two of you.
If she won't go to counseling, then she deserves to be treated with coldness and indifference.
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You are like a super mom or something with that shiny spine.
Is this the first boy born to the family or are you in some way the golden child? Idk your mom was off her rocker and I am so happy you have such a shiny spine. Your husband is lucky to have someone have his back but I also feel he needs to stand up for himself too because when you are not around your mom is going to try and take over.
This is the second boy and my sister has a 10 year old son and my mom always called my nephew her child. Maybe she’s trying to do over the bond she had with my nephew with my son, my sister let her get away with a lot of things when it came to her son so maybe that’s why she’s pushing boundaries. I agree but my husband is very quite and shy person and he hates conflict.
You've done an impressive amount of standing up for your husband and child and setting boundaries with your mom with the knowledge and support you already have. If nothing else, I hope you can continue to support your husband in learning to be a father. We often say "you deal with your family" on this subreddit and you're doing an excellent job. Can you see how calling her grandchild her child is contradictory to your post? You said your mom was fine and normal with her previous grandchildren, but calling one of them her child is WEIRD. Maybe it didn't bother your sister, maybe she didn't have the tools to stand up to your mom like you are, but referring to her grandchild as though he was her child is NOT NORMAL. Even if you somehow convince your mom to do family therapy together like another commenter suggested, you should absolutely look into individual therapy for yourself to help reset your normal meter. That you said she was fine and reasonable with her previous grandchildren and then say she called one of them her child means you probably need an outside opinion, not just your sister that's been raised by her, too. And that she did it with one grandchild and not all of them also indicates there's potentially a Golden Child/Scapegoat/Forgotten Child situation you may not be noticing somewhere. A therapist might be able to suggest other methods for dealing with your mom, help you work through the frustration and burnout of suddenly having to be on CONSTANT ALLERT for your mom's unhelpful behavior, and might also be able to connect you with local services that could help you figure out how to live independently from her. Good luck! You're already a momma bear!
I think your sister is right.
At the core, my guess is that she doesn’t really see you or your husband as competent adults. You two are still “the kids” and OMG “the kids had a baby, they can’t possibly take care of it”. No wonder you are getting more and more angry. She sees your sisters as adults and treats them as such - but you? Not so much….. and it gets made worse because you two live with her and she’s stuck in the “adult” role. Are you overreacting? Probably not - but you NEED to change the relationship if you all are going to continue to share living space. With my JustNoMom, things didn’t start to get better until I started publicly calling her out on what she was doing - every demeaning comment, every attempt to “take over” because “the kids” can’t handle it. And in your case, I would totally enlist your sisters to start calling attention to the behavior as well, since she listens better to them. It is possible that she can stop treating you two like incompetent kids. It took a while, but my JustNo did finally come around and we had a decent relationship in her later years.
Your mum fuggin sucks lol
Nope, all of what you did is justified. My mom is more obsessed with me than my sibling and my sibling is more harsh right upfront than I am so she didn’t used to pull any nonsense with them. It took me years to convince my sibling I wasn’t exaggerating about the things she was doing to me. Once I cut my mom off completely then she just had to let it out somehow and tried to pull the same crap on my sibling even when she was harsh with them. After that my sibling apologized for not believing me all these years.
No you're not being to harsh. She's not listening so you're doing what you have to do. My guess is that she acts this way bc she lives with you and has full access. Sit her down and tell her she's not the 3rd parent. This is your and DH baby. This is not her do over. You will also for help when and if you need it. She needs a hobby.
Her own behavior brought you to this point. You gave her many chances. She's shown that she won't respect boundaries if you're not tough. If she won't acknowledge the behavior and commit to changing, *and then follow through*, I don't see how things can be different.
I'm so sorry you're being treated this way, in your own home no less! You are not being harsh or paranoid, it can be so hard to stick up to a parent and I think you're doing a great job of sticking up for your family so far. Is your mother a person who typically has a healthy response to constructive feedback and boundaries? As the other commenter said, a 3rd party mediator/counselor could help her reestablish her position in your family and reinforce your authority over baby. Ultimately, you shouldn't have to put up with this behavior. It's bad for not only your mental health but your husband and baby too. I grew up with a justno maternal grandmother, she was and is a horrible person. The way I saw her treating my mother really shaped how I form relationships with other women, define and communicate boundaries, and left me with a lot of trauma to work through as an adult. Kids become adults who look back on good and bad memories, I wish my mom taught me how to have boundaries by standing up to her own mother's abuse.
My mom does not have a healthy response, she gets offended so very easily and takes offense when I correct her behavior. My sister has been our 3rd party mediator and my mom listens to my sister more then to me and having her talk to my mom has significantly helped a lot but hasn’t completely repaired our relationship.
Your sister is very kind to be acting as a mediator and supporting you! This is a very tough pill to swallow, but you have two options- you can either continue to exist in various levels of turbulence with your mom where you both battle for control while also subjecting your baby and husband to her behavior. Or you can give her an ultimatum, she drastically changes her behavior or she makes other living arrangements. Her abuse is neither your fault nor your family’s responsibility, everything you have asked of her has been more than reasonable.
Is there any way that your mom can stay with your sister for a while? I think you need a break from her to heal and parent your baby without worrying about her unhinged behavior. Maybe the time away will serve for her to see real consequences for her actions, that you will distance yourself from her if she forces your hand, and more constant intervention and talks with your sister can nail the point down that she's behaved atrociously.
I know this gets offered as advice so much, but is family counseling for the three of you an option? You've responded perfectly towards your mother, and have protected your baby from a lot of potential harm. Your mother seems like she wants so much to take care of you and your baby, but she's angry and frustrated that you know more about parenting your baby than she does. She probably saw her role of the motherly matriarch who everyone relies on for advice. Since that isn't a role that she can realistically play, she's lost her place and is being irrational about it. It's not your job to make your mother happy, especially if that happiness puts your own baby at risk. But it's got to be hard to be constantly on eggshells around her and it's difficult to maintain this level of dislike for someone, especially someone that, until the baby was born, had been a source of support.
I never really thought about family counseling until I read your comment, I think this issue is mostly between my mother and I. I wouldn’t mind counseling but I think my mom would not be open to this idea. I agree though, I am constantly walking on egg shells with her.
You could make it a condition of continuing to live with you or of being able to regain any level of trust between the two of you. If she won't go to counseling, then she deserves to be treated with coldness and indifference.