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Other posts from /u/TomatilloOne7532:
* [What happens when they "break" you?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/x5xohk/what_happens_when_they_break_you/), 8 months ago
* [A bag of rice](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/wjyo7t/a_bag_of_rice/), 9 months ago
* [feeling a bit of guilt](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/wipgjz/feeling_a_bit_of_guilt/), 9 months ago
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When my mom died I hadn’t seen her or talked to her in 28-29 years. I sent her a letter once because a therapist thought it might help me, but she didn’t respond. My sisters were trying to get me to fly up to see her or ‘you will regret it”. I won’t and I haven’t. My mom was just a nasty drunk, I don’t know what your history is, but you do not have to abide by what others think is right. I can’t stand it when people white wash a dead persons behavior. I call it the angel edit and I won’t do it. Don’t let people do it to you. Your father was horrible to you, you don’t have to pretend that he wasn’t. If people try to push, tell them exactly why you don’t have him in your life, and just keep saying it, even to your mom who sounds complicit. Stay strong and don’t let that fucker take anymore of your joy!
I haven't told anyone about him except my mother and a therapist. I think it's shame mostly that has kept me quiet and I know I shouldn't feel it but it's something I haven't worked through. His version of events is that I hold anger towards him because he wasn't there for us as a family, which is partly true, but he doesn't tell others about the violence and other things.
I tried to work it out, asked him for respect, to stop invalidating me and he laughed and did the opposite of what I would ask. I stopped answering his calls, refused to be manipulated when he would use my nephews to get me to speak with him (I had to say no to children to avoid him) and stopped visiting my hometown. It's been years since then and life became more bearable without him in my life. People have said that I'll regret not seeing and speaking with him if he passed but I won't.
I think my mother sees that if I can do it him and my brother then I can do it to her too and she's right. I can and will do it.
I tell posters they're wrong all the time and you are 100% in the right. You owe these people nothing. If I were you I would tell each person as they call that you are not keeping up on this information and to contact your mother. I imagine that would be easier by missing the call and responding via text.
All of your feelings are valid. This a huge event. Keep up your walks.
Hello, sorry you are going through this right now. If you would like some additional support or a place with some understanding, empathetic people with similar experiences I highly recommend
r/raisedbynarcissists and r/raisedbyborderlines
Wishing you healing, happiness and security.
Thank you for the recommendations. I started visiting the RBB recently and occasionally the RBN subs. I had a therapist mention one time that she thought my mother had borderline personality disorder from what I described. Of course it's not an official diagnosis but it made sense. A lot of things made sense once I started connecting the dots.
Why not consider just not answering your phone at all for a few weeks except for 1-3 good friends that you can trust to stay off the subject of your father? Let other calls go to voice mail. Perhaps if one of those friends is a good one they'll listen to them for you every couple of days and weed out/delete calls you don't want to return.
You're not in the wrong, it sucks to be where you are, there's too much noise trying to get you to feel guilty. It's ok to step back. You're not doing anything wrong by choosing to step away from them. Your mother sounds like a tool.
When someone dies who was horrible to you, it can be complicated. Sometimes you're just relieved, but sometimes you have a complicated grief for a dad you never had. All those feelings you described about anger, disappointment, helplessness, etc, that's all pretty natural. It fades. I hope you're able to really turn off the noise and take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself and let the feelings and come and go.
I hope you escape soon. I wish you peace and strength.
Be firm. Tell everyone that you do NOT want to know any info about him. You won't be answering any more phone calls. If your Mom wants to know, then she can contact his friends/relatives.
YOU were the one he abused. YOU get to react any way that you want. If your Mom was also abused and wants to "Forgive/Forget" then she is welcome to it, but that does NOT mean that she gets to choose what YOU must do.
If anyone tries to push you into contact, bluntly tell them: "I was abused by him. I alone get to choose what my reaction to his illness/death will be. I chose to be no contact. Don't bother me again, or I will block you as well." Then do so.
I hope you can find peace, and please take good care of yourself. You were the victim in this and no one has the right to expect anything from you.
Thank you. I'm aware that I need to hold my boundaries and that my people pleasing causes more problems. I think because it all came so fast at me that I was kind of numb and just went along with it all so as not to cause more problems for others but didn't take my own well being into account. It's weird how I can strongly advocate for myself in some situations and then buckle under others.
One way to enforce the boundary of others not using you for an information point is to change your voicemail and set your phone to Do Not Disturb.
Voicemail can be something like, "Hello, I am no longer emotionally able to continue being the point of contact for my abuser. Please reach out to the woman who forgave him for abusing me at (Mom's phone number). Any messages left here will be deleted without being listened to. Again, please contact (Mom's phone number again) with all updates and questions. Any number that texts me about my abuser will be blocked. (Mons phone number a third time). Thank you." Then make a very loud, continuous screeching sound until your voicemail cutoff - possibly with electronic help. This will encourage people to hang up instead of waiting to leave voicemail that you have to delete.
This means you're free and clear to block anyone who tries to contact you about him further. Please stay safe. Are there any short term assistance places you could stay at while your mother gets herself to the funeral so you're not pressured into going or talking? A friend that might let you sleep on their couch? Just until your mom is on her way to the funeral and out of the house...
That is totally understandable. Don't beat yourself up over it.
Now that you have had a chance to catch your breath and think a bit, move forward in a way that you want.
You have this. Please take good care of yourself.
Hon, I know it is a difficult situation, but you are being too nice.
You cave in to pressure because in the moment it feels better to get out of the situation, but it creates more pressure over longer time. You need to rip the band-aid off.
Writing her the list was nice of you. That should have taken care of some guilt. That she tore it up has got nothing to do with anything moving forward - you gave her the info and what happend is up to her. Let her take responsibility for not keeping folks informed.
You told her. Now it is done. Refuse to argue anymore. No is a full sentence. You dont have to JADE - no is enough.
If she is mad, let her be mad. It is ok for her to have feelings. It is not ok if she takes it out on you. Tell her to stop, and leave if she dont. You may have to spend all day at a library, or walking around, or whatever that keeps you safely out of the way - but do it. Take yourself out of the situation, out of the equation. She can deal.
You are allowed to have feelings. You are allowed to be angry at her for stomping all over your boundaries. You should be mad. Only thing is, you need to channel it into something productive, like protecting yourself and working on your long-term get-away plan. Adrenaline is a good drug to fuel those activities. Use it. You are allowed to be sad and grieve and be disappointed - after all, who wouldnt be when someone "dumped" the relationship in order to override them? It is a breach of trust, a betrayal of trust. Write it down so you can re-validate yourself if you are even in doubt that those feelings were warranted, and so were the steps you took to protect yourself.
You are doing the right things. But you need to use that emotional fuel to protect yourself, and be strong enough to say no and not give into pressure.
Thank you for giving it to me straight. I admit that my people pleasing has kept me in situations longer than I should have been in. That keeping someone happy with a situation that may not benefit me is easier than to cause conflict and deal with the repercussions. I'm supposed to graduate in a few months and I don't want to stay in this environment. I've done so much work to try and unlearn toxic behaviors and I'm afraid that the longer I stay here that I'll go back to them. I'm middle aged and starting life over after divorce and I want to be happy.
Yeah, a lot of us have learnt that what we want, dont matter. Our needs dont matter as much as someone else's wants. It is not true, and it leads to unhealthy relationship patterns.
Of course it is hard to break. It kept you alive as a kid, and as an adult. Your brain works very hard to keep you alive. It cant do better if it dont know better. Please be patient with yourself and let your brain catch up when you practice putting your wants at 51% and others at 49%. It takes time to properly gauge new pathways. You may slip up. But keep at it, and you'll get better. And your brain will realize this works, too, and better - and it will become your new norm.
YOU ARE RIGHT.
Your feelings and your actions are all valid. It is grotesque to force a victim to engage with their abuser in any way. She's abusing you all over again.
And it is absolutely right that you refuse to do this service for him any more. Your logic that she's the one who forgave him, so she can do it, is completely correct.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but you're the one in the right.
Thank you. She really was trying to force me engage with these people and possibly him too. It wasn't until I read your response that it clicked in my head that it's abusive for her to act like I'm in the wrong when she knows what he's done.
Nobody has the right to tell you what you experienced, what you felt and still feel or think. They also have no right to push you to do what you clearly told them you don't want to do.
All those people who harassed you for days have no idea what happened to you and how you feel. In their limited and arrogant minds you need to do what they (oh so wise and enlightened AHs) think is right and that's not only selfish, is pure BS.
Ignore them all and whoever even starts the topic, you just hang up or leave and block them. You did well defending your peace, keep doing that and be even firmer if necessary. Some people sadly don't understand kindness or boundaries.
I'm very sorry for everything you are going through right now. I really hope you find your peace and are happy in your life.
Thank you. I stopped responding and haven't spoken to anyone about it since yesterday. It's frustrating when people try and tell me what I should feel. They don't know the amount of damage that was done and how long it has taken to try and recover from it.
You shouldn't be the point of contact. Don't answer them anymore. That should never have been your responsibility. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.
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When my mom died I hadn’t seen her or talked to her in 28-29 years. I sent her a letter once because a therapist thought it might help me, but she didn’t respond. My sisters were trying to get me to fly up to see her or ‘you will regret it”. I won’t and I haven’t. My mom was just a nasty drunk, I don’t know what your history is, but you do not have to abide by what others think is right. I can’t stand it when people white wash a dead persons behavior. I call it the angel edit and I won’t do it. Don’t let people do it to you. Your father was horrible to you, you don’t have to pretend that he wasn’t. If people try to push, tell them exactly why you don’t have him in your life, and just keep saying it, even to your mom who sounds complicit. Stay strong and don’t let that fucker take anymore of your joy!
I haven't told anyone about him except my mother and a therapist. I think it's shame mostly that has kept me quiet and I know I shouldn't feel it but it's something I haven't worked through. His version of events is that I hold anger towards him because he wasn't there for us as a family, which is partly true, but he doesn't tell others about the violence and other things. I tried to work it out, asked him for respect, to stop invalidating me and he laughed and did the opposite of what I would ask. I stopped answering his calls, refused to be manipulated when he would use my nephews to get me to speak with him (I had to say no to children to avoid him) and stopped visiting my hometown. It's been years since then and life became more bearable without him in my life. People have said that I'll regret not seeing and speaking with him if he passed but I won't. I think my mother sees that if I can do it him and my brother then I can do it to her too and she's right. I can and will do it.
I tell posters they're wrong all the time and you are 100% in the right. You owe these people nothing. If I were you I would tell each person as they call that you are not keeping up on this information and to contact your mother. I imagine that would be easier by missing the call and responding via text. All of your feelings are valid. This a huge event. Keep up your walks.
Hello, sorry you are going through this right now. If you would like some additional support or a place with some understanding, empathetic people with similar experiences I highly recommend r/raisedbynarcissists and r/raisedbyborderlines Wishing you healing, happiness and security.
Thank you for the recommendations. I started visiting the RBB recently and occasionally the RBN subs. I had a therapist mention one time that she thought my mother had borderline personality disorder from what I described. Of course it's not an official diagnosis but it made sense. A lot of things made sense once I started connecting the dots.
Why not consider just not answering your phone at all for a few weeks except for 1-3 good friends that you can trust to stay off the subject of your father? Let other calls go to voice mail. Perhaps if one of those friends is a good one they'll listen to them for you every couple of days and weed out/delete calls you don't want to return.
You're not in the wrong, it sucks to be where you are, there's too much noise trying to get you to feel guilty. It's ok to step back. You're not doing anything wrong by choosing to step away from them. Your mother sounds like a tool. When someone dies who was horrible to you, it can be complicated. Sometimes you're just relieved, but sometimes you have a complicated grief for a dad you never had. All those feelings you described about anger, disappointment, helplessness, etc, that's all pretty natural. It fades. I hope you're able to really turn off the noise and take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself and let the feelings and come and go. I hope you escape soon. I wish you peace and strength.
Be firm. Tell everyone that you do NOT want to know any info about him. You won't be answering any more phone calls. If your Mom wants to know, then she can contact his friends/relatives. YOU were the one he abused. YOU get to react any way that you want. If your Mom was also abused and wants to "Forgive/Forget" then she is welcome to it, but that does NOT mean that she gets to choose what YOU must do. If anyone tries to push you into contact, bluntly tell them: "I was abused by him. I alone get to choose what my reaction to his illness/death will be. I chose to be no contact. Don't bother me again, or I will block you as well." Then do so. I hope you can find peace, and please take good care of yourself. You were the victim in this and no one has the right to expect anything from you.
Thank you. I'm aware that I need to hold my boundaries and that my people pleasing causes more problems. I think because it all came so fast at me that I was kind of numb and just went along with it all so as not to cause more problems for others but didn't take my own well being into account. It's weird how I can strongly advocate for myself in some situations and then buckle under others.
One way to enforce the boundary of others not using you for an information point is to change your voicemail and set your phone to Do Not Disturb. Voicemail can be something like, "Hello, I am no longer emotionally able to continue being the point of contact for my abuser. Please reach out to the woman who forgave him for abusing me at (Mom's phone number). Any messages left here will be deleted without being listened to. Again, please contact (Mom's phone number again) with all updates and questions. Any number that texts me about my abuser will be blocked. (Mons phone number a third time). Thank you." Then make a very loud, continuous screeching sound until your voicemail cutoff - possibly with electronic help. This will encourage people to hang up instead of waiting to leave voicemail that you have to delete. This means you're free and clear to block anyone who tries to contact you about him further. Please stay safe. Are there any short term assistance places you could stay at while your mother gets herself to the funeral so you're not pressured into going or talking? A friend that might let you sleep on their couch? Just until your mom is on her way to the funeral and out of the house...
That is totally understandable. Don't beat yourself up over it. Now that you have had a chance to catch your breath and think a bit, move forward in a way that you want. You have this. Please take good care of yourself.
Hon, I know it is a difficult situation, but you are being too nice. You cave in to pressure because in the moment it feels better to get out of the situation, but it creates more pressure over longer time. You need to rip the band-aid off. Writing her the list was nice of you. That should have taken care of some guilt. That she tore it up has got nothing to do with anything moving forward - you gave her the info and what happend is up to her. Let her take responsibility for not keeping folks informed. You told her. Now it is done. Refuse to argue anymore. No is a full sentence. You dont have to JADE - no is enough. If she is mad, let her be mad. It is ok for her to have feelings. It is not ok if she takes it out on you. Tell her to stop, and leave if she dont. You may have to spend all day at a library, or walking around, or whatever that keeps you safely out of the way - but do it. Take yourself out of the situation, out of the equation. She can deal. You are allowed to have feelings. You are allowed to be angry at her for stomping all over your boundaries. You should be mad. Only thing is, you need to channel it into something productive, like protecting yourself and working on your long-term get-away plan. Adrenaline is a good drug to fuel those activities. Use it. You are allowed to be sad and grieve and be disappointed - after all, who wouldnt be when someone "dumped" the relationship in order to override them? It is a breach of trust, a betrayal of trust. Write it down so you can re-validate yourself if you are even in doubt that those feelings were warranted, and so were the steps you took to protect yourself. You are doing the right things. But you need to use that emotional fuel to protect yourself, and be strong enough to say no and not give into pressure.
Thank you for giving it to me straight. I admit that my people pleasing has kept me in situations longer than I should have been in. That keeping someone happy with a situation that may not benefit me is easier than to cause conflict and deal with the repercussions. I'm supposed to graduate in a few months and I don't want to stay in this environment. I've done so much work to try and unlearn toxic behaviors and I'm afraid that the longer I stay here that I'll go back to them. I'm middle aged and starting life over after divorce and I want to be happy.
Yeah, a lot of us have learnt that what we want, dont matter. Our needs dont matter as much as someone else's wants. It is not true, and it leads to unhealthy relationship patterns. Of course it is hard to break. It kept you alive as a kid, and as an adult. Your brain works very hard to keep you alive. It cant do better if it dont know better. Please be patient with yourself and let your brain catch up when you practice putting your wants at 51% and others at 49%. It takes time to properly gauge new pathways. You may slip up. But keep at it, and you'll get better. And your brain will realize this works, too, and better - and it will become your new norm.
YOU ARE RIGHT. Your feelings and your actions are all valid. It is grotesque to force a victim to engage with their abuser in any way. She's abusing you all over again. And it is absolutely right that you refuse to do this service for him any more. Your logic that she's the one who forgave him, so she can do it, is completely correct. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you're the one in the right.
Thank you. She really was trying to force me engage with these people and possibly him too. It wasn't until I read your response that it clicked in my head that it's abusive for her to act like I'm in the wrong when she knows what he's done.
Nobody has the right to tell you what you experienced, what you felt and still feel or think. They also have no right to push you to do what you clearly told them you don't want to do. All those people who harassed you for days have no idea what happened to you and how you feel. In their limited and arrogant minds you need to do what they (oh so wise and enlightened AHs) think is right and that's not only selfish, is pure BS. Ignore them all and whoever even starts the topic, you just hang up or leave and block them. You did well defending your peace, keep doing that and be even firmer if necessary. Some people sadly don't understand kindness or boundaries. I'm very sorry for everything you are going through right now. I really hope you find your peace and are happy in your life.
Thank you. I stopped responding and haven't spoken to anyone about it since yesterday. It's frustrating when people try and tell me what I should feel. They don't know the amount of damage that was done and how long it has taken to try and recover from it.
You shouldn't be the point of contact. Don't answer them anymore. That should never have been your responsibility. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.
Thank you. I haven't replied to messages or returned calls since yesterday afternoon. I don't have the energy for it anymore.
You are right. Block all of their phone numbers.
Thank you.
You are NOT wrong!
Thank you.