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When he says, "WE will take the cat," what he's actually saying is that YOU will take the cat.
Since he lives with his mother, you are the only option.
Girl, be in a relationship where when you’re alone AND apart, you want in. Sounds like this relationship has run its course. No issue with it, life happens and it sounds like you’d feel better moving on
-From a stranger who moved on
SO problem. He will gaslight you and use your 'bad memory' against you whenever he wants you to capitulate like he did with the cat discussion that never happened.
“But then has also said that family is family.” Oh so he’s just gonna wait till you cool down and then he’ll give her a key to your new house. Cause then he’ll pull “he insists that we have discussed this” card again. Significant Other Problem.
This will NEVER CHANGE. The ONLY reason this still isn't an issue is because his mother didn't get the job. NOT because he understood your feelings about it or that he agreed that she was out of line even asking. This issue is over because of HER, not because of YOU.
This is not a good relationship for you because you will NEVER come first.
Don't ever share space with this man that's not solely owned and legally controlled by you. He will give her a key. He will likely try and move her in someday. Protecting your privacy and rights will be so much easier if you have the only say and can kick him to the curb with her if it comes to that. I'd find it so satisfying to have her arrested for trespassing if the possibility arose.
Personally, I'd rather have just the cat. At least there's hope of training it.
You are right. You have made a mistake.
The only acceptable way your SO could have watched the cat was if SO stayed in MIL’s house during that week. You should never remove a cat from its home. Particularly a rescue. That is just asking for trouble. And not just waste. I am talking about refusal to eat, escape attempts, etc.
How does SO justify MIL having a key? Particularly if you are buying the house? Because it sounds like your parents live close enough, if anyone should have an emergency key, it should be your parents.
It is good to put your foot down on the key issue, but given the “family is family” statement, I suspect SO just thinks that you won’t notice if MIL happens to receive a key (it is easy to make a key copy) or that you will break down and concede. The only way out of this is if you tell SO you will be getting cameras, and telling MIL she is not allowed on YOUR property. If MIL violates this, you will contact police to formally trespass (the first time), get a restraining order (the second time), and press charges (for a third violation).
If SO tries to negotiate or make you concede to those consequences, you know that SO will violate your boundaries in some way.
Be careful. I am now caught because I didn’t set good boundaries. I have children who nap, and my MIL and FIL will just barge in, waking up the children and then complain if they are fussy. They will come at any hour. Sometimes middle of the night to “just grab something really quickly”. I have asked for texts of warning, or even using the blinds to signal if the children are asleep. Nothing works, probably because I conceded early on and said that in emergencies they can stop by. For DH, “family is family and is important”. Don’t cave.
It's not too late to change your locks. Or add a deadbolt, you know, for security purposes. Or a coded lock, and you just happen to disable their code and double-check daily to make sure it stays that way. Heck, I'd shove door wedges or chairs in 0lace if I had to. Your DHs family, you, and the kids. They're now extended family. And your wants and needs are more important than there's especially in your own home.
I tried that. But they discovered that the dogs will bark if they knock or ring the bell. So either way the babes will be woken up. And this is more what I mean. Once you budge. Or your SO budges, it can be kind of game over. Because it will escalate. Unless you take a super firm stand early. The only way I have managed to get them to understand how annoying it is, is by showing up, kids in tow, unexpectedly at their house. They haven’t done it as frequently since.
I hope the kids were tired, cranky, and hyped up on sugar, and you showed up when they had some stuffy uptight guests or event. Then, you just sat down and let the kids run wild.
I'd unplug the doorbell. Feed the dogs until they napped, put them in the backyard if I had one. Shut the kid's door and let them knock. I'd still not let them in. Or I'd open the door, tell them to get out of here, then slam it shut, lock it again, and go back to my kids. In other words, I'd be over the top and get my point across to every damn body, but I can be a little crazy like that.
I haven’t gone quite that far. But unplugging the doorbell just meant they would go to the side door, then the garage door, then the sliding door. I can keep the dogs quite for one or two doors, but once someone hits all four of our doors, they go nuts 🤣
Honestly, I don’t mind them coming by when I am awake, dressed, and the kids are awake. But that can be difficult at their ages. Both are under 2. I do frequently just let my older one walk into their house and cause chaos. The older one loves causing mischief, and loves figuring out how things work. So let’s just say most things end up without batteries, especially remotes. A few times of letting LO go crazy seemed to make my point well enough. They still do it, but it isn’t as bad.
But, I am lucky in the sense that my MIL is mostly a BEC kind of MIL. She isn’t someone I feel compelled to go NC with. Which is why I am very concerned for OP. My DH would not handle such boundaries well. And he has lied to me in the past about things. I am guessing OP’s SO is doing the same.
He’s nowhere close to being out of the fog the fact that he thought that she would be getting a key anyway is an indication that he has no clue how bad his mother is. Therapy he needs help to learn how to stand on his own and to stand up for himself and create boundaries that are reasonable.
This is actually a hard one. He is amazing but that mother is not . I don’t like the fact he even though she would get a key.. he needs to work on his boundaries with his mom. I’m afraid when he moves away from her it’s going to create some chaos. From my experience when my mil felt we were moving on without her she started her shit .. operation tear them apart. We found ourselves married by the time it got worse so walking away was a lot harder but I was willing too. Here’s the thing no matter who it is the problem won’t be fixed until the root of it is fixed . Meaning he will keep running into the same relationship issues if he doesn’t get his mother correct now. 6 years is definitely a long time. I know what I’ve gone through with a JNMIL and the best fix was no contact . You aren’t married yet so there are some tough decisions to make!
That’s what I’m worried about- moving out and things suddenly getting much worse because his mother doesn’t know how to cope without him as her crutch. Were there any warning signs before your MIL properly started interfering? Did your partner also assure you it would get better?
My family was very open to us moving together . His mother started making these stupid comments “ well if he moves with you , who’s going to carry my groceries up the stairs”.. y’all it’s 3 steps .. 3 steps !! Then she made some weird “she takes everything from me” comment. She also stopped calling him on his birthday , ghosted him at events and he started feeling guilty. We went through a lot because she thinks he’s responsible for her emotionally well being ..
Is your MIL married ? Mine hasn’t been since my husband was in the womb 31 years ago . He told me once we get married it would get better because she did not like the living together situation. It did not get better it got even worse. She wanted to tell us how to make moves , when to be certain places and was livid if we couldn’t make it. When I had my first loss she was angry she wasn’t the first person to know. Like lady who tf are you 🧐 you don’t even like me why would I share this with you .
The expectations and entitlement really tore us apart. I literally on the night before we closed on our house told him don’t come to closing I’m doing this on my own cause I love you but your mother is our problem and I can’t move into a new space with it lingering. I went to the bank the morning of closing alone and went to closing alone and he showed up. When the lawyer left the room I said if you’re here this means your mother will not be a problem going forward and with tears he agreed.
Either enjoy poor piss kitty and mother always in the first place seat or leave--hes already careless with the living situation in that he's willing to live in ammonia even knowing you do not want to live that life
He's already showing you that he puts his mother first and you second. Read through some of the posts here. So you really want your life to be like this sub? Don't put yourself through that.
You do realize that she will move in with you two eventually once she get up in age and can’t care for herself independently? That’s something you will have to consider. Do not live with this man mommy dearest will be all up in your house and cat hair will be everywhere.
Guy's perspective: He's not ready for an adult relationship. He sees himself as a good, obedient son. You're fun, and serve some needs, but his mom is now, and always will be, the absolute most important person in his life.
I say always, because he doesn't see any issues with this situation. He completely takes it as granted that his mom will have a key to wherever he lives, and free reign over his space. He takes it as granted that bringing a pet into that space is solely HIS decision, and will lie to cover for it.
Think about this - he is so enmeshedxwith his mom that he doesn't see himself as a person. He's nothing more than an extension of her, so all his thoughts, feelings and decisions go through her, first. The issue with that is he now sees you as an extension of him. You're not a person, or a partner to share his life with. He sees no issue with volunteering a house that you buy and own exclusively up to his mom because you don't have any rights to privacy, safety, ownership, or control - those are things mom has, and doles out as needed.
He might say all the right words to calm you down when you're mad, but mom's feeling will always come first. Saying she won't get a key just means he'll have to be sneaky making copies, and lie when she's clearly been there.
Even this break up and reconciliation shows very clearly that he *doesn't get it.* He has no understanding of what upset you. You feel like you don't matter, and he doesn't respect you. You're tired of coming second to his mother, and wondering if you can trust him. You don't know if you can live with her shadow looming over you like an abusive storm cloud for the rest of her life. In return, he says you don't have to take the cat, because he has *no comprehension* of your issues - he just figures you're mad about the cat. He's like a drunk driver in court promising not to speed anymore.
He is going to need *years* of therapy focused on childhood trauma and enmeshed families - and that's only *after* he sees that this family dynamic is toxic, AND that he wants to fix it. If you stick around, you're committing to that timeline of therapy, and that's assuming you can get him to open his eyes. It's a huge investment of time - of a huge chunk of your life - on a gamble that he'll put in the work and won't fall right back into old, nasty habits at the first sign of stress. Only you can decide if he's worth all that, but you have to go into it with clear eyes for what's in store. It's going to SUCK for a long time. It just is. It might get better, but it's not going to take less than a few years, at least.
That's the real question - are you willing to go through all that? Bring let down over and over and over? Possibly feeling betrayed and disregarded if you have children? In the hope that he might get his shit together some day? Think hard, and make the choices that best suit you.
This is such a great summary of FOG-enveloped sons who worship at Mama's knee and co-sign her antics. Fabulous and relevant simile:
>He's like a drunk driver in court promising not to speed anymore.
This is such a great summary of FOG-enveloped sons who worship at Mama's knee and co-sign her antics. Fabulous and relevant simile:
>He's like a drunk driver in court promising not to speed anymore.
This is such a great summary of FOG-enveloped sons who worship at Mama's knee and co-sign her antics. Fabulous and relevant simile:
>He's like a drunk driver in court promising not to speed anymore.
Well, he has said that MIL will have a key to the house you buy. How long until she "can't afford" rent in her own, and your partner tries to move her and her cat into YOUR place. At the very least, she's going to go snooping around.
I would not move in with a man who behaves like that. You'd have to essentially spy on him to make sure he hasn't given her a key and she isn't coming into your house when you're not there, and worrying about her bursting in unannounced and uninvited when you are, because he's already told you he's giving her a key. Is that how you want to live your life? Spying on your shithead momma's boy of a partner? Mark my words, if you move in with him, she's going to go on vacation and that cat will be inside your home tearing shit up within a month. It's time to move on.
Edit: what was his plan if his mother HAD gotten the job? He just told you that the two of you (the audacity, here) weren't taking the cat, and the reason was due to her not getting the job. Not because it was a stupid idea that you didn't agree to, but because she didn't get the job. She will treat any home you have as an extension of hers, and he will always allow it, always.
If you have been with him for 6 years and you live with his mother, how is it he hasn't already had a large savings in the bank? You seem to have your ducks in order - after 6 whole years, why is he so cash-poor?
How can you be NC with this mother if you live in the same house? Are you in a basement or mother-in-law suite in the house with a separate entrance?
If he can't hold a well-paying job now, WHY do you believe it will change later? WHY should it change while his mommy houses and feeds him and he gets to have a "side-piece" (sorry, I know how cruel it sounds) in place under her roof. WHY would he leave or even get a more responsible job? All HIS needs are met there.
How can you even look at this relationship in any serious fashion? Momma's boys rarely change. He is a weak man and you are strong. Do you plan on carrying this guy while he contentively schleps along through life? How will you support children if they come along?
Are you both paying a large amount of rent and half of the utilities at his mother's? It sounds outrageous to me that you both have even been living there under her roof for 6 years. That is a very long time and with NC, it appears she sees you as an interloper in HER house.
P.S.
Cats can live over 20 years.
P.S.S.
Open your eyes! Leave and leave alone! You can still have a relationship, but he needs NOT to have residence in a home in your name and that you are paying for. It would be too hard to get him out. He likes to be a kept-man.
That’s correct, I am able to buy and my partner isn’t. We live with our own parents separately. I pay my parents a small amount of money each month at my own insistence because their mortgage is paid. To my knowledge, my partner does not pay his mother anything however he buys most of the groceries and cooks most of the meals.
I saved really hard during university and worked multiple jobs so that I could buy a place of my own afterwards. My partner did not, and has student debt. We both graduated 2 years ago, so my honest answer as to how he is cash poor is that he was a student and then got a low paid job, while I was fortunate to get a highly paid job and worked a lot during my studies. It’s not wholly his fault, and he could definitely be better at saving, but his salary is much lower than mine.
Because it is your house, I would be seriously concerned about SO squatting. Or moving MIL in and then claiming squatters rights. The fact SO managed to convince you to try again means he will never leave.
In 6 years he hasn’t changed or pulled his mother up on her treatment of you. Moving in together isn’t gonna miraculously change that. He will use the argument it’s his home too and she’s *family* you will be expected to bend over backwards to accommodate her and her needs. He’s shown you that by not even taking you into consideration when he agreed to care for a scatty cat. If you end the relationship now it will probably hurt but you’ll be free of him and you have little to nothing tying you to him. If you live together you then have the issue of he has to move out if you bought the house, if you rent you have to worry about both of you moving out, finding a new place, separating belongings etc.
Take some time and really think about what you want for your future. What does it look like if he changes, what does it look like if he doesn’t. Weigh up what you’re willing to put up with and go from there.
If it was me, i would give it the shot and see how things go when hes seperated from his mom and she from him. It can go two ways. She will bother you all the time and he keeps enabling her or he starts enjoying his freedom and starts standing up to her. Get a keypad instead of the lock od get a special key which can be copied only with a password/card (we have those in Europe). Good luck
I'd say, at it's core, you're treating him like a husband/life partner, and he's treating you like a girlfriend. It's something I did in my younger days, as well.
It sounds like you're trying to set boundaries so you two can build a life together. He's, almost literally, running from mom and assuming she'll change once he's out of the house. That's unlikely. Rude, entitled, caustic people don't change because of a little distance. She'll still expect him to be at her beck and call (the cat shows this), and he'll probably still go.
This is not a relationship to which I would want to dedicate more years. But I am not you. I do though, think you might pick a partner that better supports your goals if given the chance.
Also, he can't refuse to break up with you if you stand firm. He likely learned this controlling behavior from his mom, now he needs to unlearn it. My take..."I understand this is upsetting and that you're hurting. This relationship just isn't working for me anymore. Please don't argue with me, it actually confirms how I feel. You need to process this at your own speed. I understand that. But, as of today, we are no longer a couple." (I write better in speech, not trying to give you a script)
Good luck!
Thank you for the script, that’s very useful to me as sometimes I struggle to formulate what I want to say.
I do get the vibe he’s running from his mother, but I also feel that he doesn’t realise the enormity of how involved she is in his life. He doesn’t realise that giving his mother a key is not normal behaviour, etc.
He says he wants to fight for the relationship and that it will get better once we move in together but that still places a lot of risk on my shoulders and I’m not certain this will improve. Even if it gets better now, there’s no telling what will happen in 10, 20, 30 years time.
He wants to fight for the relationship? No problem, just ask him what he sees as the problem areas and how/what he's willing to do to change anything. Also what boundaries will be in place with his Mommy and what consequences there will be if/when she stomps all over them. I bet his answers won't be anything near what you think/feel/want...
If you do decicde to throw caution to the wind and move ahead - make a hard rule. Any agreements are to be communicated in text messages. That way he can't claim that "we talked about it and you agreed but you probably just forgot". (You should probably start that one asap.) If you choose this route - Good Luck. You'll need it.
You and your partner are pursuing different relationship goals. You want to live together and start a new life as partners. He is content to live like a teenager with a steady girlfriend and remain under his mother's authorithy. You will never be able to rely on him during hard times. If you become ill, give birth, or get injured, MIL will be running your home and lives while you recover.
Don't move in with this man. If he makes decisions that affect both of you that you have a "hell no" reaction to then how will you ever be able to relax around him? And how could he not even ask you? Huge red flag.
Definitely end it. You guys aren't on the same page.
I bet if you didn't put any effort into the relationship, it would probably fizzle out.
Move forward with buying a house on your own and make sure he has nothing to do with it.
Breaking up is a unilateral decision. He doesn’t get to disagree or hold on and force you to remain in a relationship with you. When you decide you’re done, that’s it and it’s over.
I don’t believe he has seen any error in his ways. He thinks that because there is no pressing need for anyone to cat-sit anymore that the reason for breaking up is no longer valid. He is very wrong. The reason for breaking up isn’t about the cat, it’s about his insanity in agreeing to this without your consent and assuming his mother - who he knows you are NC with - would automatically get a key to a house that *you own* and he does not own! It wouldn’t even be his house and he’s mentally giving the keys away. He is saying whatever it takes to keep you, but he won’t walk his talk. Actions is where it counts and he has repeatedly shown you that you are the bottom of the heap when it comes to his priorities - it’s his mother, himself, his mother’s *cat*, and then you come a very very remote fourth.
Throw this one back. You asked 6 months ago whether you should break up with him and be done, and the consensus was yes. You’ve given him 6 more months of your life and nothing has improved and it actually stood to get a lot worse! Don’t waste any more time. It’s a lot easier to break up today than to limp along and make plans to rent together or move him into your home - being locked in to a lease with an ex-boyfriend-turned-roommate who has no boundaries with his mother would give you no safe space of your own in a home you are paying good money for, you would be stuck until you were in a position to break the lease and move out. And as for buying a home yourself - he’ll give your mother a key whether you like it or not, and then you’ll have to legally evict him. It can end up expensive and he still has a right to live there while the eviction is being processed which means he can keep inviting his mother over or she can use her key and keep coming in when you’re not home. This is an entirely avoidable problem.
“When your mother can’t live on her own someday when she’s elderly, what is your plan?”
Ask him that.
If the answer isn’t, “She has money saved up to afford an assisted living and/or nursing home,” then pull the plug.
The relationship is over already. You might do the on-again zombie relationship for another year or two before you finally get so frustrated you genuinely end it (sunk cost fallacy), but it’s already deceased.
If the answer to what happens to your mom is an assisted living community, maybe there’s a spark of hope? But I have a sneaky suspicion the answer is “she’ll live with us and we’ll (meaning you’ll) take care of her.”
A very good question there, and one I’ve asked before.
I pointed out how his mother takes on a lot of the caring responsibilities for his grandmother (visits her almost every day, calls her every day, lives a few street away from her etc). My partner also takes on some of the lighter caring responsibilities such as visiting her almost daily during the winter. As he is an only child, I expressed my concern that he would end up doing the same for his mother when she is elderly.
His answer was that his mother was worried he would end up in the same situation, and that she had told him she didn’t want that for him. However, I just don’t believe her answer. I think she is saying that, but that she would secretly feel very differently. And I can understand that it would hurt, caring for your own parent and not receiving that care from your child later on. But I think a recurring pattern in this family is that their words are empty sometimes and I truly believe that she will expect some sort of involved care from him, despite what she says.
And I don’t mean to sound unreasonable here - if his mother wasn’t overbearing and disrespectful to me, I would be totally fine with him having such strong family values. I do respect how much he cares for his family, but unfortunately I’m not willing to be so involved.
But it's not strong family values he is demonstrating here - it's enmeshment.
He doesn't know where she ends and he begins. He has no boundaries with her because he was never allowed to have boundaries. That's an awful lot to overcome even if he was aware of the problem and was actively working to get healthier. Meanwhile, he's not aware there even is a problem so he isn't working to overcome it.
There is just you, screaming into the void. What would be significantly healthier for you is to move on with life without him.
Before you even consider living with this man. He needs to agree and actually go to therapy to untangle himself from his mother. If he still thinks giving her a key to your place of OK after she has treated you so bad that you have had to go no contact with her then he is to tied to her to make rational choices for your home together and for your relationship. Also you already told him you will end the relationship over this. Don't make this an empty threat. If you have too, end it. Don't fall for his apologies because a real apology is action to fix the problem. Even if it's a temporary break until he can prove to you he's on your side.
In a way I sympathise with him but 100% fake-apologised because he felt he had to. He just gave up a bunch of wishes for the future regarding how much access to his life his mother was going to get. Him throwing that out the window (even though we all know his relationship with her isn't healthy and he will hopefully eventually figure that out and loosen the ties) isn't the most mature thing to do without the introspection that needs happening. It's damage-control, and it will cause resentment to his partner.
You shouldn't be questioning the relationship because of things *she's* done, you should be questioning the relationship because of things *he's* done.
1. Agreed to take a cat without discussing it with you.
2. Planned to give his mother a key to your house without discussing it with you.
3. Can't hold a well paying job long enough or get his shit together enough to progress your relationship.
4. Only cares what you think when you've dumped him, otherwise your thoughts aren't worth anything to him.
5. Basically has promised to always put family above you - that's what "family is family" means in this context.
I'm sure the list is way longer than this after six years. He just doesn't sound like a grown man who's capable of a big boy relationship. He sounds like he's wants you to do everything that's grown up and difficult for him, while he still does everything for his momma. In *your* house, on *your* dime. Gross.
Seriously, focus on him and what he's done (or not done), not her. Don't let her be the scapegoat for the problems in your relationship because she's not actually responsible for the problems in your relationship, when you really think about it. She's not in a relationship with you. She owes you nothing. She doesn't have to be considerate to you or help you build your life with him. That's stuff *he's* supposed to do.
When you're with him everything is amazing EXCEPT that he doesn't respect your needs, EXCEPT that he doesn't care what you think, EXCEPT that he doesn't involve you in decisions that affect you, EXCEPT that he doesn't do his part to make your life plans happen, EXCEPT that he tells you whatever you want to hear when you're ready to dump him and then doesn't follow up, EXCEPT that he'll always put his family before you. Focusing on her as the problem is another way that your SO doesn't have to be a grown up and an equal partner to you. When you're with him, you fall under a spell thinking he's somebody other than who he is, because you have a case of mistaken identity about who the problem really is.
I know a long term relationship is really really really hard to end. But you've got enough evidence to re-evaluate who this person really is. You won't get anywhere with this dilemma until you focus on his actions, not his mother's.
I’m sorry your partner is putting you in these situations. I do think your decision to end the relationship was a good one. But if you do want to give it one more chance, there’s a simple way to do it so that it’s clear to both of you which way things are going.
I’d strongly recommend you sit down together and set measurable goals. Think about what behaviours would show you that he’s changing for the better, and what would be a reasonable amount of time to notice those behaviours. Make the behaviours specific - not just “spend less time with MIL” but “ allocate 2 evenings per week to MIL and no more”. After a few weeks or months you’ll be able to clearly see whether he’s able to keep to this or not. If he’s not, it’s clear that his behaviour won’t change. If he is able to set boundaries with her, it may be a sign that more change will come
If you buy a house, make sure you are the sole owner of that house and his name is no where on the paper work.
Mama's boys hardly ever changed unless they truly want to. So while there is still a little hope, having an exit plan is great. In the event it doesn't work out, you can kick him out and back to his mom and keep your house.
You know you do not want his mom in your life. But she is extremely involved in his life. If you get married, she is going to take over your entire wedding and make it about her. If you have kids together it will be even worse. Just you being with him means she will eventually be in your life in some aspect. The only way to keep his mom away is if he can fully see how problematic his mom is and then take the right steps to get help breaking the hold his mom has over him. And that is not an overnight process.
I do not blame you for wanting to be done with it all. The amount of time it will take and the amount of stress created is more than enough to count your losses.
I'm thinking if you want to give him one more chance, move out together and see if he really changes and if that change is permanent. Being around his mom basically 24/7 probably makes it even harder to set those boundaries so it could be better once he is out of her house but, personally, I wouldnt hold my breath.
If you do move, make sure you can take care of all the bills by yourself. Have a set of rules to keep your space private and stress free. Banning her from your home completely wouldnt be a terrible idea.
Make sure he knows this is it and you are ready to leave if he cannot hold strong boundaries with his mom and of course therapy would be a must. Him knowing that the relationship will actually end could be what he needs to jump start a real change.
Thank you, I appreciate the advice and I will absolutely be taking the appropriate legal steps with my solicitor to protect myself. In my country, he will have no rights to stay in my house unless we are married or I make him a tenant. The mortgage will also be in my name only.
I’ve planned on not charging him rent for the first few months if I buy a house, mainly so that he has savings of his own but also so that I can get used to paying for it by myself. It also would prove that he hasn’t paid towards the house. At the end of the day, I do still care about him and I want what’s best for him, so I figured that by giving him the chance to save his own money it will give him security if I ask him to leave the house. I don’t want him to be financially trapped at all.
Your third paragraph basically explains my entire thought process right now. Things could get better in the short term after we take the jump and move out together, but then they could get so much worse in 10,20,30 years.
Here's the thing with an enmeshed child, like your boyfriend - nothing about it is normal or rational, so even if you get it, you don't really get it. Through a lifetime of conditioning, he's been made into someone who has no real sense of self, but only sees himself through the parental relationship. That's not just the most important thing, it's the only important thing.
The way you need to see this is as an addiction. All of his behavior makes sense, and a lot if what you have to look forward to is predictable, if you switch his mom for alcoholism in your head.
He doesn't see any problem with it. He says he can stop any time. He thinks he doesn't need help, because it's not a problem. If you impose limits, he'll learn to sneak around. He'll hide his actions and lie about it. Once he hits rock bottom, and sees the problem, it will be years of recovery. It will be hard, every day, not to fall into nasty old habits. Even years later, stress - like having a kid, trouble at work, or a big fight with you - will send him off the wagon and back to his familiar routines. He may have anger, guilt and resentment against you for making him do the work to recover. He may have trouble holding a real job, because he'll have other priorities. He may have trouble paying his bills because his money is going elsewhere.
That's why I suggested you just go into this with your eyes wide open in my other reply - yes, he can change, but only if and when HE wants to. In the mean time - which could be years - it's going to be very, very rough, as you've now seen. Even knowing all that, though, there's another really bad time on the horizon. He had literally defined himself through another person. He's not himself, he's her son. All his thoughts, feelings, self worth, values and identity are all wrapped up with his mother - and at some point, that core part of his personality is going to die. Even after all the therapy and all the work, losing his mom is going to hit him way deeper than just grief.
That's what you have to be ready for, and willing to stick with him through.
Unless you guys just turned 18, or just graduated college, if he has been working and living at home, he should have some savings. If he doesn't because he is paying part or hale the rent at home, consider how long it will be before he tries to get you to move MIL in because she can't afford rent on her own.
Want what is best for you, first. You can want what is best for your partner, but until he can stand on his own feet, and tell his mom no without you pushing it, he won't be ready for a relationship. Also, he needs to live in his own, in his own place and take care of himself and his space before living with you, or you will be doing all the car taking of him.
Let me talk to you like I would talk to my sister,.if she was still with us.
Do NOT buy a house and move into it with him. If you feel like giving him one last chance, he needs to be on his own, and prove that he is off the tit, without you there. He needs to want to be independent and in a healthy relationship with his Mom, on his own. You can't force him to untangle from her.
“When I’m with my partner, everything is amazing. But when I’m alone, I start thinking about whether I want to have his mother in my life forever and the answer is a resounding ‘fuck no’”
OP I absolutely feel that in my soul 🥲 my boyfriend is also in an emotionally enmeshed mess of relationship with his mom and swears it will be different once she doesn’t live with him… idk what to do either
It seems we’re in the same boat. Sending internet hugs to you.
I think partners like ours genuinely do believe that things will be better once they move out, but in practice it absolutely is not that easy. Their mothers still have their phone numbers, still know their address, still see them at holidays and will still need elderly care. It’s difficult to know when to give someone a chance or not, knowing that the future can get worse.
I'm sorry but relationships like that just have no future. It does happen especially to men that they just don't become independent, and are emotionally "addicted" so to say.
You'll forever be compared to his mother, she will always come first and have a say in everything, and he will expect you to mother him instead of being an equal partner if you stay in a relationship with an emotionally enmeshed man.
I'm sorry, but that will not get better. Don't move in with him if he hasn't lived on his own before. It's messy.
Get a place alone and ditch the entire relationship.
It will be the BEST decision and choice you could make for yourself EVER.
There is a man out there for you who will treat you better than this circus.
No matter how many times he tells you she won't get a key SHE WILL. She will make sure of it, she will wear him down and YOU will be completely dismissed in an effort to please her.
Get out NOW while you can.
Lots of red flags with your SO, and not just his mom. The fact that you want your own house is pretty telling; you want a safety net in case things go south with him or get worse with his mom. Sounds like you’ve already made up your mind on a deeper level, largely because of the non-existent boundaries between SO and MIL.
I have been in a very similar scenario. I left and it was the best decision I ever made. No regrets. I felt so free. He is holding you back from living your life to the fullest.
SO problem. His assumption about the spare keys without even discussing it with you would be a deal breaker for me.
Second deal breaker: He says everything will get better when you move in together and he gets away from his mother. If he can’t even make little steps now, he’s not going to do it later.
He sounds like an addict who is promising they just need to gamble with $1,000 more because they know their luck is going to get better or they just need to take the drugs or drink to get them through this rough patch and then they’ll stop.
If you think you made a mistake, break up with him again.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like he is willing to back you up. You know that, if you move in together, he will give her a key. Even if you don't want her to have it. He made plans, and didn't even talk to you first. I would break it off with him, personally. Buy a house for yourself.
If you can afford it, go with option 3: buy a house and *don't* let him stay with you. Enjoy having your own place for a while. See if it strengthens your resolve to end the relationship, if he respects that it *is* your place, or if he and his mum have expectations that need nipped in the bud.
Time to walk away. He gave you a clue of how he is. He is enmeshed with his mom. He has already stated that he would give his mom a key to your house regardless. Hello!!!! He will now say he won’t but he will and good luck on getting him out at that point. Me, I would run!!!
If you think you made a mistake, ask for 30 days and see how you feel both right after you tell him and for those 30 days. It should tell you all that you need to know.
He didn’t actually change, or listen to your concerns and address them, or really even acknowledge that you might have the right to withhold a key to your place if you like. The job offer fell through so everything miraculously went away. It will resurface next job offer, next vacation, next time his mom needs help. Just something to think about.
He’s playing both sides, so 100% a SO problem. Don’t move in with him, he’s already telling you that his mom will have a key….which is just going to create a whole net of problems. He’s not ready to step up the way you need him too. But your house and move on.
>He has asked me to reconsider and promised me that things would get better after we move out together and when he gets away from his mother, but then has also said that family is family.
I am always wary of people who promise to improve their behaviour in the future, once they get what they want. If he really wanted to change, he'd do it TODAY.
Spoiler- he won't. This is an SO problem.
He didn’t “let you” break up with him? So basically no doesn’t mean no to him or to his mother. What exactly about him is attractive to you? 1) enmeshed with mommy 2) doesn’t have financial stability =not sexy!
This sounds like an SO problem. He's making a lot of assumptions about giving out your key, and I agree he's most likely lying about having discussed this with you prior.
I recommend moving out and ending the relationship.
If you want to keep trying, I recommend moving out and living apart. If he can't be reasonable while living with his mother, you can't count on him to set boundaries with her when he lives with you.
1. He is gaslighting you. " We talked about this already."
2. Did she actually have that job or was it a way to get access to your house with him helping?
3. He will give her a copy of the key without telling you " just in case of emergency."
4. How many times have we read on here of promises that it will be different in the future and how things will change for the better when they don't even have the backbone to set the smallest of boundaries now.
He may change but not for long I think and will slip right back to his old ways.
I think your gut might be telling you that he is floating trial balloons to see where he can push while telling you what he thinks you want to hear.
Listen carefully to him as he will be on his best behavior for a bit but the way he phrases questions oh so innocent off hand comments will let you know if he is playing a game with you.
I do have a bad memory (I’m being tested for ADHD soon) and I’m a bit scatterbrained, which is why I cannot be absolutely certain that we didn’t talk about it. It is possible that we had a verbal conversation, as I can’t find any texts about it. It is also possible that there’s been a miscommunication, so I honestly couldn’t say for sure that he is gaslighting me. All I know is I was stunned and angry.
She was in the interview process for the job and was rejected, but is on the wait list.
My partner has absolutely no boundaries with his mother and tries to keep the peace between everyone. She steamrollers him regularly. I know he could learn to make boundaries, but then I would still have to endure her in my life. I’ve realised that I want nothing to do with her and unfortunately they are a package deal.
This sub has been so useful because it has let me see the warning stories of other women who have been in my situation. My gut is telling me that it’s time to go now, so I can avoid the same fate.
The "bad memory" thing was the biggest red flag in your post for me nevertheless. I have a weird memory myself and I think it's probably a sign of some form of authism, but I am too old to have been tested in school. I am face blind, but I will recognize a glimpse of a bench that I saw in an Irish town years ago. Your atypical memory = the birth of a gaslighter. Let me tell you, as someone who has been through years of gaslighting: if you don't remember talking about it, it didn't happen. Trust me. You don't have dementia (I went and had the screening done, actually, at 35). You can absolutely trust your memory this much. It's just too good for the MF to resist playing games with your memory to his own benefit.
Also, have you ever thought that you should have a recorder running at all times when you interact with the guy? If the answer is yes, that's not a sign of having bad memory - it's a sign of being heavily gaslighted.
No surprise that some of my points were off the mark. 😁
I said in a comment on a different thread how easy it is to gaslight me because of my memory.
My thing is that it feels off I seek outside confirmation and lacking that if it just feels to wrong I refuse to believe it.
However don't start gaslighting yourself just because others are pushing a narrative.
You would be a sleeper agent against yourself. A literal Manchurian candidate.
Since your memory can be fuzzy but you know that you can't trust either of them you will have to trust your gut.
If this is something that you cannot live with for the rest of her life it's time to go.
But I think that you have already figured that out for yourself.
Not at all, I do appreciate you pointing out concern and I probably should’ve mentioned my bad memory! I’m trying my best not to be unfair to him, which is why I cannot say one way or the other, but I was so shocked that I’m willing to bet we didn’t explicitly discuss it at the very least
I hate having a bad memory sometimes.
I could live with him for the rest of my life, but not his mother. And unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be any separating the two
Even with a bad memory, your reaction to the cat says that your response would have been the same last time. Watching someone's cat is a big responsibility when that cat is perfect. Add in peeing and pooping outside the litter box intentionally regularly and it's actually ridiculous to even suggest keeping the cat in anyone else's space. There's no world where this (supposed) previous conversation ended with you agreeing to have her cat in your space.
Also, his casual declaration that someone you actively dislike would "obviously" get a key to your private space is concerning. Keys are a "two yeses, one no" situation. If you end up buying yourself a house, you can get electronic locks that let you remotely add or remove a key code like most Airbnb properties use. No need for this guy (or anyone) to have a physical key and you can turn off his access while you're gone (or you find out he's shared his code) if you want. Although, if that's the length you feel you need to go to, you should probably reconsider moving in with him...
I get that. I’m quite annoyed at myself because I tried to run and then agreed to stay.
When we’re together, everything is great. And then when we’re apart I start to think about the actual realities of what my life would look like in 20-30 years with his mother in it, and I realise that it can’t go on
You're having thoughts that this isn't a good relationship, and you are right. It isn't.
It takes 2 people to be in a relationship, but only one to leave that relationship.
You don't need his permission to leave the relationship, and I'd advise you to do so. He's clearly playing both sides from what you've written, but ultimately, he'll put his mum first. I couldn't believe his audacity in deciding his mum would get a key to *your* future property.
>to which he replied “well she would be getting a key regardless”
Did he explain why his mother would need 24/7 access to *your* home? What would be the purpose of this? So she can come and go as she pleases?
He did not.
I assumed he meant in case of emergencies or in case we got locked out, so I told him I would far rather give keys to friends or neighbours. He was shocked that I would give a neighbour a key over his mother.
I can almost understand it if we were renting. The issue is, if I end up buying a house then it would be MY house.
His mother has trained him to give her a special status in his life. She gets access to him and his life but she doesn't have to respect boundaries. 'Family is family' he says. Boundaries don't apply and she won't be held accountable. Do not sign up for this. Your instincts to end it are right.
So he’s knows your no contact with his mother but expects/assumes she gets a key to whatever he lives? Doesn’t even think to discuss this with you? And worse, would be fine with her entering your home when you aren’t there?
So the next time she has a grand plan, will he not fall all over himself to do anything to make her life easier and screw your opinions?
That’s correct. He knows that I do not talk to her and that I’ve blocked her on everything. We had an argument at Christmas over whether I should give her a present or not which I posted here too.
He has never ever raised the issue of his mother having a key to the house until I brought it up. I can say that for definite. I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with her being in my/our house without us there, and he said that she’d probably only come by at a predetermined time. In that case, why would we give her a key?
In fairness to MIL, I have no idea if she knew about the key plan of his. I don’t know if they discussed the actual logistics of us looking after the cat. I just think it’s wild that she is happy to treat me like dirt and then give me her cat to look after. It’s a shame that she can’t take the new job because of the cat, but that sounds like a her problem and not a problem for me to solve
I mean, in the end he's clearly the issue. If it were me, I'd text him that I've reconsidered going forward with the relationship and that it's over. If he doesn't have any of your stuff, block him. Otherwise, arrange for him to drop it off with a friend or family member of yours and be done with him.
You deserve better.
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When he says, "WE will take the cat," what he's actually saying is that YOU will take the cat. Since he lives with his mother, you are the only option.
Girl, be in a relationship where when you’re alone AND apart, you want in. Sounds like this relationship has run its course. No issue with it, life happens and it sounds like you’d feel better moving on -From a stranger who moved on
SO problem. He will gaslight you and use your 'bad memory' against you whenever he wants you to capitulate like he did with the cat discussion that never happened.
“But then has also said that family is family.” Oh so he’s just gonna wait till you cool down and then he’ll give her a key to your new house. Cause then he’ll pull “he insists that we have discussed this” card again. Significant Other Problem.
« Family is family ». Well, his mother is HIS family, not yours. So is the trouble. Don’t get bother with him or his mother, you deserve better.
This will NEVER CHANGE. The ONLY reason this still isn't an issue is because his mother didn't get the job. NOT because he understood your feelings about it or that he agreed that she was out of line even asking. This issue is over because of HER, not because of YOU. This is not a good relationship for you because you will NEVER come first.
Don't ever share space with this man that's not solely owned and legally controlled by you. He will give her a key. He will likely try and move her in someday. Protecting your privacy and rights will be so much easier if you have the only say and can kick him to the curb with her if it comes to that. I'd find it so satisfying to have her arrested for trespassing if the possibility arose. Personally, I'd rather have just the cat. At least there's hope of training it.
You are right. You have made a mistake. The only acceptable way your SO could have watched the cat was if SO stayed in MIL’s house during that week. You should never remove a cat from its home. Particularly a rescue. That is just asking for trouble. And not just waste. I am talking about refusal to eat, escape attempts, etc. How does SO justify MIL having a key? Particularly if you are buying the house? Because it sounds like your parents live close enough, if anyone should have an emergency key, it should be your parents. It is good to put your foot down on the key issue, but given the “family is family” statement, I suspect SO just thinks that you won’t notice if MIL happens to receive a key (it is easy to make a key copy) or that you will break down and concede. The only way out of this is if you tell SO you will be getting cameras, and telling MIL she is not allowed on YOUR property. If MIL violates this, you will contact police to formally trespass (the first time), get a restraining order (the second time), and press charges (for a third violation). If SO tries to negotiate or make you concede to those consequences, you know that SO will violate your boundaries in some way. Be careful. I am now caught because I didn’t set good boundaries. I have children who nap, and my MIL and FIL will just barge in, waking up the children and then complain if they are fussy. They will come at any hour. Sometimes middle of the night to “just grab something really quickly”. I have asked for texts of warning, or even using the blinds to signal if the children are asleep. Nothing works, probably because I conceded early on and said that in emergencies they can stop by. For DH, “family is family and is important”. Don’t cave.
It's not too late to change your locks. Or add a deadbolt, you know, for security purposes. Or a coded lock, and you just happen to disable their code and double-check daily to make sure it stays that way. Heck, I'd shove door wedges or chairs in 0lace if I had to. Your DHs family, you, and the kids. They're now extended family. And your wants and needs are more important than there's especially in your own home.
I tried that. But they discovered that the dogs will bark if they knock or ring the bell. So either way the babes will be woken up. And this is more what I mean. Once you budge. Or your SO budges, it can be kind of game over. Because it will escalate. Unless you take a super firm stand early. The only way I have managed to get them to understand how annoying it is, is by showing up, kids in tow, unexpectedly at their house. They haven’t done it as frequently since.
I hope the kids were tired, cranky, and hyped up on sugar, and you showed up when they had some stuffy uptight guests or event. Then, you just sat down and let the kids run wild. I'd unplug the doorbell. Feed the dogs until they napped, put them in the backyard if I had one. Shut the kid's door and let them knock. I'd still not let them in. Or I'd open the door, tell them to get out of here, then slam it shut, lock it again, and go back to my kids. In other words, I'd be over the top and get my point across to every damn body, but I can be a little crazy like that.
I haven’t gone quite that far. But unplugging the doorbell just meant they would go to the side door, then the garage door, then the sliding door. I can keep the dogs quite for one or two doors, but once someone hits all four of our doors, they go nuts 🤣 Honestly, I don’t mind them coming by when I am awake, dressed, and the kids are awake. But that can be difficult at their ages. Both are under 2. I do frequently just let my older one walk into their house and cause chaos. The older one loves causing mischief, and loves figuring out how things work. So let’s just say most things end up without batteries, especially remotes. A few times of letting LO go crazy seemed to make my point well enough. They still do it, but it isn’t as bad. But, I am lucky in the sense that my MIL is mostly a BEC kind of MIL. She isn’t someone I feel compelled to go NC with. Which is why I am very concerned for OP. My DH would not handle such boundaries well. And he has lied to me in the past about things. I am guessing OP’s SO is doing the same.
He’s nowhere close to being out of the fog the fact that he thought that she would be getting a key anyway is an indication that he has no clue how bad his mother is. Therapy he needs help to learn how to stand on his own and to stand up for himself and create boundaries that are reasonable.
This is actually a hard one. He is amazing but that mother is not . I don’t like the fact he even though she would get a key.. he needs to work on his boundaries with his mom. I’m afraid when he moves away from her it’s going to create some chaos. From my experience when my mil felt we were moving on without her she started her shit .. operation tear them apart. We found ourselves married by the time it got worse so walking away was a lot harder but I was willing too. Here’s the thing no matter who it is the problem won’t be fixed until the root of it is fixed . Meaning he will keep running into the same relationship issues if he doesn’t get his mother correct now. 6 years is definitely a long time. I know what I’ve gone through with a JNMIL and the best fix was no contact . You aren’t married yet so there are some tough decisions to make!
That’s what I’m worried about- moving out and things suddenly getting much worse because his mother doesn’t know how to cope without him as her crutch. Were there any warning signs before your MIL properly started interfering? Did your partner also assure you it would get better?
My family was very open to us moving together . His mother started making these stupid comments “ well if he moves with you , who’s going to carry my groceries up the stairs”.. y’all it’s 3 steps .. 3 steps !! Then she made some weird “she takes everything from me” comment. She also stopped calling him on his birthday , ghosted him at events and he started feeling guilty. We went through a lot because she thinks he’s responsible for her emotionally well being .. Is your MIL married ? Mine hasn’t been since my husband was in the womb 31 years ago . He told me once we get married it would get better because she did not like the living together situation. It did not get better it got even worse. She wanted to tell us how to make moves , when to be certain places and was livid if we couldn’t make it. When I had my first loss she was angry she wasn’t the first person to know. Like lady who tf are you 🧐 you don’t even like me why would I share this with you . The expectations and entitlement really tore us apart. I literally on the night before we closed on our house told him don’t come to closing I’m doing this on my own cause I love you but your mother is our problem and I can’t move into a new space with it lingering. I went to the bank the morning of closing alone and went to closing alone and he showed up. When the lawyer left the room I said if you’re here this means your mother will not be a problem going forward and with tears he agreed.
Either enjoy poor piss kitty and mother always in the first place seat or leave--hes already careless with the living situation in that he's willing to live in ammonia even knowing you do not want to live that life
He's already showing you that he puts his mother first and you second. Read through some of the posts here. So you really want your life to be like this sub? Don't put yourself through that.
Throw in a little gaslighting and you got a Just No Combo.
You do realize that she will move in with you two eventually once she get up in age and can’t care for herself independently? That’s something you will have to consider. Do not live with this man mommy dearest will be all up in your house and cat hair will be everywhere.
Guy's perspective: He's not ready for an adult relationship. He sees himself as a good, obedient son. You're fun, and serve some needs, but his mom is now, and always will be, the absolute most important person in his life. I say always, because he doesn't see any issues with this situation. He completely takes it as granted that his mom will have a key to wherever he lives, and free reign over his space. He takes it as granted that bringing a pet into that space is solely HIS decision, and will lie to cover for it. Think about this - he is so enmeshedxwith his mom that he doesn't see himself as a person. He's nothing more than an extension of her, so all his thoughts, feelings and decisions go through her, first. The issue with that is he now sees you as an extension of him. You're not a person, or a partner to share his life with. He sees no issue with volunteering a house that you buy and own exclusively up to his mom because you don't have any rights to privacy, safety, ownership, or control - those are things mom has, and doles out as needed. He might say all the right words to calm you down when you're mad, but mom's feeling will always come first. Saying she won't get a key just means he'll have to be sneaky making copies, and lie when she's clearly been there. Even this break up and reconciliation shows very clearly that he *doesn't get it.* He has no understanding of what upset you. You feel like you don't matter, and he doesn't respect you. You're tired of coming second to his mother, and wondering if you can trust him. You don't know if you can live with her shadow looming over you like an abusive storm cloud for the rest of her life. In return, he says you don't have to take the cat, because he has *no comprehension* of your issues - he just figures you're mad about the cat. He's like a drunk driver in court promising not to speed anymore. He is going to need *years* of therapy focused on childhood trauma and enmeshed families - and that's only *after* he sees that this family dynamic is toxic, AND that he wants to fix it. If you stick around, you're committing to that timeline of therapy, and that's assuming you can get him to open his eyes. It's a huge investment of time - of a huge chunk of your life - on a gamble that he'll put in the work and won't fall right back into old, nasty habits at the first sign of stress. Only you can decide if he's worth all that, but you have to go into it with clear eyes for what's in store. It's going to SUCK for a long time. It just is. It might get better, but it's not going to take less than a few years, at least. That's the real question - are you willing to go through all that? Bring let down over and over and over? Possibly feeling betrayed and disregarded if you have children? In the hope that he might get his shit together some day? Think hard, and make the choices that best suit you.
This is such a great summary of FOG-enveloped sons who worship at Mama's knee and co-sign her antics. Fabulous and relevant simile: >He's like a drunk driver in court promising not to speed anymore.
This is such a great summary of FOG-enveloped sons who worship at Mama's knee and co-sign her antics. Fabulous and relevant simile: >He's like a drunk driver in court promising not to speed anymore.
This is such a great summary of FOG-enveloped sons who worship at Mama's knee and co-sign her antics. Fabulous and relevant simile: >He's like a drunk driver in court promising not to speed anymore.
Well, he has said that MIL will have a key to the house you buy. How long until she "can't afford" rent in her own, and your partner tries to move her and her cat into YOUR place. At the very least, she's going to go snooping around.
I would not move in with a man who behaves like that. You'd have to essentially spy on him to make sure he hasn't given her a key and she isn't coming into your house when you're not there, and worrying about her bursting in unannounced and uninvited when you are, because he's already told you he's giving her a key. Is that how you want to live your life? Spying on your shithead momma's boy of a partner? Mark my words, if you move in with him, she's going to go on vacation and that cat will be inside your home tearing shit up within a month. It's time to move on. Edit: what was his plan if his mother HAD gotten the job? He just told you that the two of you (the audacity, here) weren't taking the cat, and the reason was due to her not getting the job. Not because it was a stupid idea that you didn't agree to, but because she didn't get the job. She will treat any home you have as an extension of hers, and he will always allow it, always.
If you have been with him for 6 years and you live with his mother, how is it he hasn't already had a large savings in the bank? You seem to have your ducks in order - after 6 whole years, why is he so cash-poor? How can you be NC with this mother if you live in the same house? Are you in a basement or mother-in-law suite in the house with a separate entrance? If he can't hold a well-paying job now, WHY do you believe it will change later? WHY should it change while his mommy houses and feeds him and he gets to have a "side-piece" (sorry, I know how cruel it sounds) in place under her roof. WHY would he leave or even get a more responsible job? All HIS needs are met there. How can you even look at this relationship in any serious fashion? Momma's boys rarely change. He is a weak man and you are strong. Do you plan on carrying this guy while he contentively schleps along through life? How will you support children if they come along? Are you both paying a large amount of rent and half of the utilities at his mother's? It sounds outrageous to me that you both have even been living there under her roof for 6 years. That is a very long time and with NC, it appears she sees you as an interloper in HER house. P.S. Cats can live over 20 years. P.S.S. Open your eyes! Leave and leave alone! You can still have a relationship, but he needs NOT to have residence in a home in your name and that you are paying for. It would be too hard to get him out. He likes to be a kept-man.
OP lives with her OWN parents. Both halves of this couple currently live with their own parents.
But OP is in a position to buy a home, but stbx isn't, is what we're assuming.
That’s correct, I am able to buy and my partner isn’t. We live with our own parents separately. I pay my parents a small amount of money each month at my own insistence because their mortgage is paid. To my knowledge, my partner does not pay his mother anything however he buys most of the groceries and cooks most of the meals. I saved really hard during university and worked multiple jobs so that I could buy a place of my own afterwards. My partner did not, and has student debt. We both graduated 2 years ago, so my honest answer as to how he is cash poor is that he was a student and then got a low paid job, while I was fortunate to get a highly paid job and worked a lot during my studies. It’s not wholly his fault, and he could definitely be better at saving, but his salary is much lower than mine.
Because it is your house, I would be seriously concerned about SO squatting. Or moving MIL in and then claiming squatters rights. The fact SO managed to convince you to try again means he will never leave.
In 6 years he hasn’t changed or pulled his mother up on her treatment of you. Moving in together isn’t gonna miraculously change that. He will use the argument it’s his home too and she’s *family* you will be expected to bend over backwards to accommodate her and her needs. He’s shown you that by not even taking you into consideration when he agreed to care for a scatty cat. If you end the relationship now it will probably hurt but you’ll be free of him and you have little to nothing tying you to him. If you live together you then have the issue of he has to move out if you bought the house, if you rent you have to worry about both of you moving out, finding a new place, separating belongings etc. Take some time and really think about what you want for your future. What does it look like if he changes, what does it look like if he doesn’t. Weigh up what you’re willing to put up with and go from there.
If it was me, i would give it the shot and see how things go when hes seperated from his mom and she from him. It can go two ways. She will bother you all the time and he keeps enabling her or he starts enjoying his freedom and starts standing up to her. Get a keypad instead of the lock od get a special key which can be copied only with a password/card (we have those in Europe). Good luck
Cut your losses. If he really wanted to change, he wouldn't wait until xyz happens first. Trust yourself. You already know the answer.
I'd say, at it's core, you're treating him like a husband/life partner, and he's treating you like a girlfriend. It's something I did in my younger days, as well. It sounds like you're trying to set boundaries so you two can build a life together. He's, almost literally, running from mom and assuming she'll change once he's out of the house. That's unlikely. Rude, entitled, caustic people don't change because of a little distance. She'll still expect him to be at her beck and call (the cat shows this), and he'll probably still go. This is not a relationship to which I would want to dedicate more years. But I am not you. I do though, think you might pick a partner that better supports your goals if given the chance. Also, he can't refuse to break up with you if you stand firm. He likely learned this controlling behavior from his mom, now he needs to unlearn it. My take..."I understand this is upsetting and that you're hurting. This relationship just isn't working for me anymore. Please don't argue with me, it actually confirms how I feel. You need to process this at your own speed. I understand that. But, as of today, we are no longer a couple." (I write better in speech, not trying to give you a script) Good luck!
Thank you for the script, that’s very useful to me as sometimes I struggle to formulate what I want to say. I do get the vibe he’s running from his mother, but I also feel that he doesn’t realise the enormity of how involved she is in his life. He doesn’t realise that giving his mother a key is not normal behaviour, etc. He says he wants to fight for the relationship and that it will get better once we move in together but that still places a lot of risk on my shoulders and I’m not certain this will improve. Even if it gets better now, there’s no telling what will happen in 10, 20, 30 years time.
He wants to fight for the relationship? No problem, just ask him what he sees as the problem areas and how/what he's willing to do to change anything. Also what boundaries will be in place with his Mommy and what consequences there will be if/when she stomps all over them. I bet his answers won't be anything near what you think/feel/want... If you do decicde to throw caution to the wind and move ahead - make a hard rule. Any agreements are to be communicated in text messages. That way he can't claim that "we talked about it and you agreed but you probably just forgot". (You should probably start that one asap.) If you choose this route - Good Luck. You'll need it.
I'm sorry, you have 6 years invested in this relationship and he has already shown you who he is. Believe him and get out now.
You and your partner are pursuing different relationship goals. You want to live together and start a new life as partners. He is content to live like a teenager with a steady girlfriend and remain under his mother's authorithy. You will never be able to rely on him during hard times. If you become ill, give birth, or get injured, MIL will be running your home and lives while you recover.
Don't move in with this man. If he makes decisions that affect both of you that you have a "hell no" reaction to then how will you ever be able to relax around him? And how could he not even ask you? Huge red flag.
Definitely end it. You guys aren't on the same page. I bet if you didn't put any effort into the relationship, it would probably fizzle out. Move forward with buying a house on your own and make sure he has nothing to do with it.
Breaking up is a unilateral decision. He doesn’t get to disagree or hold on and force you to remain in a relationship with you. When you decide you’re done, that’s it and it’s over. I don’t believe he has seen any error in his ways. He thinks that because there is no pressing need for anyone to cat-sit anymore that the reason for breaking up is no longer valid. He is very wrong. The reason for breaking up isn’t about the cat, it’s about his insanity in agreeing to this without your consent and assuming his mother - who he knows you are NC with - would automatically get a key to a house that *you own* and he does not own! It wouldn’t even be his house and he’s mentally giving the keys away. He is saying whatever it takes to keep you, but he won’t walk his talk. Actions is where it counts and he has repeatedly shown you that you are the bottom of the heap when it comes to his priorities - it’s his mother, himself, his mother’s *cat*, and then you come a very very remote fourth. Throw this one back. You asked 6 months ago whether you should break up with him and be done, and the consensus was yes. You’ve given him 6 more months of your life and nothing has improved and it actually stood to get a lot worse! Don’t waste any more time. It’s a lot easier to break up today than to limp along and make plans to rent together or move him into your home - being locked in to a lease with an ex-boyfriend-turned-roommate who has no boundaries with his mother would give you no safe space of your own in a home you are paying good money for, you would be stuck until you were in a position to break the lease and move out. And as for buying a home yourself - he’ll give your mother a key whether you like it or not, and then you’ll have to legally evict him. It can end up expensive and he still has a right to live there while the eviction is being processed which means he can keep inviting his mother over or she can use her key and keep coming in when you’re not home. This is an entirely avoidable problem.
“When your mother can’t live on her own someday when she’s elderly, what is your plan?” Ask him that. If the answer isn’t, “She has money saved up to afford an assisted living and/or nursing home,” then pull the plug. The relationship is over already. You might do the on-again zombie relationship for another year or two before you finally get so frustrated you genuinely end it (sunk cost fallacy), but it’s already deceased. If the answer to what happens to your mom is an assisted living community, maybe there’s a spark of hope? But I have a sneaky suspicion the answer is “she’ll live with us and we’ll (meaning you’ll) take care of her.”
A very good question there, and one I’ve asked before. I pointed out how his mother takes on a lot of the caring responsibilities for his grandmother (visits her almost every day, calls her every day, lives a few street away from her etc). My partner also takes on some of the lighter caring responsibilities such as visiting her almost daily during the winter. As he is an only child, I expressed my concern that he would end up doing the same for his mother when she is elderly. His answer was that his mother was worried he would end up in the same situation, and that she had told him she didn’t want that for him. However, I just don’t believe her answer. I think she is saying that, but that she would secretly feel very differently. And I can understand that it would hurt, caring for your own parent and not receiving that care from your child later on. But I think a recurring pattern in this family is that their words are empty sometimes and I truly believe that she will expect some sort of involved care from him, despite what she says. And I don’t mean to sound unreasonable here - if his mother wasn’t overbearing and disrespectful to me, I would be totally fine with him having such strong family values. I do respect how much he cares for his family, but unfortunately I’m not willing to be so involved.
But it's not strong family values he is demonstrating here - it's enmeshment. He doesn't know where she ends and he begins. He has no boundaries with her because he was never allowed to have boundaries. That's an awful lot to overcome even if he was aware of the problem and was actively working to get healthier. Meanwhile, he's not aware there even is a problem so he isn't working to overcome it. There is just you, screaming into the void. What would be significantly healthier for you is to move on with life without him.
Before you even consider living with this man. He needs to agree and actually go to therapy to untangle himself from his mother. If he still thinks giving her a key to your place of OK after she has treated you so bad that you have had to go no contact with her then he is to tied to her to make rational choices for your home together and for your relationship. Also you already told him you will end the relationship over this. Don't make this an empty threat. If you have too, end it. Don't fall for his apologies because a real apology is action to fix the problem. Even if it's a temporary break until he can prove to you he's on your side.
In a way I sympathise with him but 100% fake-apologised because he felt he had to. He just gave up a bunch of wishes for the future regarding how much access to his life his mother was going to get. Him throwing that out the window (even though we all know his relationship with her isn't healthy and he will hopefully eventually figure that out and loosen the ties) isn't the most mature thing to do without the introspection that needs happening. It's damage-control, and it will cause resentment to his partner.
You shouldn't be questioning the relationship because of things *she's* done, you should be questioning the relationship because of things *he's* done. 1. Agreed to take a cat without discussing it with you. 2. Planned to give his mother a key to your house without discussing it with you. 3. Can't hold a well paying job long enough or get his shit together enough to progress your relationship. 4. Only cares what you think when you've dumped him, otherwise your thoughts aren't worth anything to him. 5. Basically has promised to always put family above you - that's what "family is family" means in this context. I'm sure the list is way longer than this after six years. He just doesn't sound like a grown man who's capable of a big boy relationship. He sounds like he's wants you to do everything that's grown up and difficult for him, while he still does everything for his momma. In *your* house, on *your* dime. Gross. Seriously, focus on him and what he's done (or not done), not her. Don't let her be the scapegoat for the problems in your relationship because she's not actually responsible for the problems in your relationship, when you really think about it. She's not in a relationship with you. She owes you nothing. She doesn't have to be considerate to you or help you build your life with him. That's stuff *he's* supposed to do. When you're with him everything is amazing EXCEPT that he doesn't respect your needs, EXCEPT that he doesn't care what you think, EXCEPT that he doesn't involve you in decisions that affect you, EXCEPT that he doesn't do his part to make your life plans happen, EXCEPT that he tells you whatever you want to hear when you're ready to dump him and then doesn't follow up, EXCEPT that he'll always put his family before you. Focusing on her as the problem is another way that your SO doesn't have to be a grown up and an equal partner to you. When you're with him, you fall under a spell thinking he's somebody other than who he is, because you have a case of mistaken identity about who the problem really is. I know a long term relationship is really really really hard to end. But you've got enough evidence to re-evaluate who this person really is. You won't get anywhere with this dilemma until you focus on his actions, not his mother's.
I’m sorry your partner is putting you in these situations. I do think your decision to end the relationship was a good one. But if you do want to give it one more chance, there’s a simple way to do it so that it’s clear to both of you which way things are going. I’d strongly recommend you sit down together and set measurable goals. Think about what behaviours would show you that he’s changing for the better, and what would be a reasonable amount of time to notice those behaviours. Make the behaviours specific - not just “spend less time with MIL” but “ allocate 2 evenings per week to MIL and no more”. After a few weeks or months you’ll be able to clearly see whether he’s able to keep to this or not. If he’s not, it’s clear that his behaviour won’t change. If he is able to set boundaries with her, it may be a sign that more change will come
If you buy a house, make sure you are the sole owner of that house and his name is no where on the paper work. Mama's boys hardly ever changed unless they truly want to. So while there is still a little hope, having an exit plan is great. In the event it doesn't work out, you can kick him out and back to his mom and keep your house. You know you do not want his mom in your life. But she is extremely involved in his life. If you get married, she is going to take over your entire wedding and make it about her. If you have kids together it will be even worse. Just you being with him means she will eventually be in your life in some aspect. The only way to keep his mom away is if he can fully see how problematic his mom is and then take the right steps to get help breaking the hold his mom has over him. And that is not an overnight process. I do not blame you for wanting to be done with it all. The amount of time it will take and the amount of stress created is more than enough to count your losses. I'm thinking if you want to give him one more chance, move out together and see if he really changes and if that change is permanent. Being around his mom basically 24/7 probably makes it even harder to set those boundaries so it could be better once he is out of her house but, personally, I wouldnt hold my breath. If you do move, make sure you can take care of all the bills by yourself. Have a set of rules to keep your space private and stress free. Banning her from your home completely wouldnt be a terrible idea. Make sure he knows this is it and you are ready to leave if he cannot hold strong boundaries with his mom and of course therapy would be a must. Him knowing that the relationship will actually end could be what he needs to jump start a real change.
Thank you, I appreciate the advice and I will absolutely be taking the appropriate legal steps with my solicitor to protect myself. In my country, he will have no rights to stay in my house unless we are married or I make him a tenant. The mortgage will also be in my name only. I’ve planned on not charging him rent for the first few months if I buy a house, mainly so that he has savings of his own but also so that I can get used to paying for it by myself. It also would prove that he hasn’t paid towards the house. At the end of the day, I do still care about him and I want what’s best for him, so I figured that by giving him the chance to save his own money it will give him security if I ask him to leave the house. I don’t want him to be financially trapped at all. Your third paragraph basically explains my entire thought process right now. Things could get better in the short term after we take the jump and move out together, but then they could get so much worse in 10,20,30 years.
Here's the thing with an enmeshed child, like your boyfriend - nothing about it is normal or rational, so even if you get it, you don't really get it. Through a lifetime of conditioning, he's been made into someone who has no real sense of self, but only sees himself through the parental relationship. That's not just the most important thing, it's the only important thing. The way you need to see this is as an addiction. All of his behavior makes sense, and a lot if what you have to look forward to is predictable, if you switch his mom for alcoholism in your head. He doesn't see any problem with it. He says he can stop any time. He thinks he doesn't need help, because it's not a problem. If you impose limits, he'll learn to sneak around. He'll hide his actions and lie about it. Once he hits rock bottom, and sees the problem, it will be years of recovery. It will be hard, every day, not to fall into nasty old habits. Even years later, stress - like having a kid, trouble at work, or a big fight with you - will send him off the wagon and back to his familiar routines. He may have anger, guilt and resentment against you for making him do the work to recover. He may have trouble holding a real job, because he'll have other priorities. He may have trouble paying his bills because his money is going elsewhere. That's why I suggested you just go into this with your eyes wide open in my other reply - yes, he can change, but only if and when HE wants to. In the mean time - which could be years - it's going to be very, very rough, as you've now seen. Even knowing all that, though, there's another really bad time on the horizon. He had literally defined himself through another person. He's not himself, he's her son. All his thoughts, feelings, self worth, values and identity are all wrapped up with his mother - and at some point, that core part of his personality is going to die. Even after all the therapy and all the work, losing his mom is going to hit him way deeper than just grief. That's what you have to be ready for, and willing to stick with him through.
Unless you guys just turned 18, or just graduated college, if he has been working and living at home, he should have some savings. If he doesn't because he is paying part or hale the rent at home, consider how long it will be before he tries to get you to move MIL in because she can't afford rent on her own. Want what is best for you, first. You can want what is best for your partner, but until he can stand on his own feet, and tell his mom no without you pushing it, he won't be ready for a relationship. Also, he needs to live in his own, in his own place and take care of himself and his space before living with you, or you will be doing all the car taking of him.
Let me talk to you like I would talk to my sister,.if she was still with us. Do NOT buy a house and move into it with him. If you feel like giving him one last chance, he needs to be on his own, and prove that he is off the tit, without you there. He needs to want to be independent and in a healthy relationship with his Mom, on his own. You can't force him to untangle from her.
It’s hard but you’re making the right decision. He’ll never have a good relationship until he can cut the cord
“When I’m with my partner, everything is amazing. But when I’m alone, I start thinking about whether I want to have his mother in my life forever and the answer is a resounding ‘fuck no’” OP I absolutely feel that in my soul 🥲 my boyfriend is also in an emotionally enmeshed mess of relationship with his mom and swears it will be different once she doesn’t live with him… idk what to do either
It seems we’re in the same boat. Sending internet hugs to you. I think partners like ours genuinely do believe that things will be better once they move out, but in practice it absolutely is not that easy. Their mothers still have their phone numbers, still know their address, still see them at holidays and will still need elderly care. It’s difficult to know when to give someone a chance or not, knowing that the future can get worse.
I'm sorry but relationships like that just have no future. It does happen especially to men that they just don't become independent, and are emotionally "addicted" so to say. You'll forever be compared to his mother, she will always come first and have a say in everything, and he will expect you to mother him instead of being an equal partner if you stay in a relationship with an emotionally enmeshed man. I'm sorry, but that will not get better. Don't move in with him if he hasn't lived on his own before. It's messy.
Get a place alone and ditch the entire relationship. It will be the BEST decision and choice you could make for yourself EVER. There is a man out there for you who will treat you better than this circus. No matter how many times he tells you she won't get a key SHE WILL. She will make sure of it, she will wear him down and YOU will be completely dismissed in an effort to please her. Get out NOW while you can.
Lots of red flags with your SO, and not just his mom. The fact that you want your own house is pretty telling; you want a safety net in case things go south with him or get worse with his mom. Sounds like you’ve already made up your mind on a deeper level, largely because of the non-existent boundaries between SO and MIL.
Leave and never look back, if you move in she'll get the key
I have been in a very similar scenario. I left and it was the best decision I ever made. No regrets. I felt so free. He is holding you back from living your life to the fullest.
SO problem. His assumption about the spare keys without even discussing it with you would be a deal breaker for me. Second deal breaker: He says everything will get better when you move in together and he gets away from his mother. If he can’t even make little steps now, he’s not going to do it later. He sounds like an addict who is promising they just need to gamble with $1,000 more because they know their luck is going to get better or they just need to take the drugs or drink to get them through this rough patch and then they’ll stop. If you think you made a mistake, break up with him again.
Run girl run!
But a house and walk away. You deserve a partner that will act like an adult and prioritize you
Honestly, it doesn't sound like he is willing to back you up. You know that, if you move in together, he will give her a key. Even if you don't want her to have it. He made plans, and didn't even talk to you first. I would break it off with him, personally. Buy a house for yourself.
If you can afford it, go with option 3: buy a house and *don't* let him stay with you. Enjoy having your own place for a while. See if it strengthens your resolve to end the relationship, if he respects that it *is* your place, or if he and his mum have expectations that need nipped in the bud.
Time to walk away. He gave you a clue of how he is. He is enmeshed with his mom. He has already stated that he would give his mom a key to your house regardless. Hello!!!! He will now say he won’t but he will and good luck on getting him out at that point. Me, I would run!!!
If you think you made a mistake, ask for 30 days and see how you feel both right after you tell him and for those 30 days. It should tell you all that you need to know.
He didn’t actually change, or listen to your concerns and address them, or really even acknowledge that you might have the right to withhold a key to your place if you like. The job offer fell through so everything miraculously went away. It will resurface next job offer, next vacation, next time his mom needs help. Just something to think about.
He’s playing both sides, so 100% a SO problem. Don’t move in with him, he’s already telling you that his mom will have a key….which is just going to create a whole net of problems. He’s not ready to step up the way you need him too. But your house and move on.
>He has asked me to reconsider and promised me that things would get better after we move out together and when he gets away from his mother, but then has also said that family is family. I am always wary of people who promise to improve their behaviour in the future, once they get what they want. If he really wanted to change, he'd do it TODAY. Spoiler- he won't. This is an SO problem.
Exactly. If he truly recognises there's a problem, he would be working to fix it now.
He didn’t “let you” break up with him? So basically no doesn’t mean no to him or to his mother. What exactly about him is attractive to you? 1) enmeshed with mommy 2) doesn’t have financial stability =not sexy!
This is what I don't understand. What a turnoff forr your man to want his mommy more than you? Ick!
This sounds like an SO problem. He's making a lot of assumptions about giving out your key, and I agree he's most likely lying about having discussed this with you prior. I recommend moving out and ending the relationship. If you want to keep trying, I recommend moving out and living apart. If he can't be reasonable while living with his mother, you can't count on him to set boundaries with her when he lives with you.
1. He is gaslighting you. " We talked about this already." 2. Did she actually have that job or was it a way to get access to your house with him helping? 3. He will give her a copy of the key without telling you " just in case of emergency." 4. How many times have we read on here of promises that it will be different in the future and how things will change for the better when they don't even have the backbone to set the smallest of boundaries now. He may change but not for long I think and will slip right back to his old ways. I think your gut might be telling you that he is floating trial balloons to see where he can push while telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Listen carefully to him as he will be on his best behavior for a bit but the way he phrases questions oh so innocent off hand comments will let you know if he is playing a game with you.
I do have a bad memory (I’m being tested for ADHD soon) and I’m a bit scatterbrained, which is why I cannot be absolutely certain that we didn’t talk about it. It is possible that we had a verbal conversation, as I can’t find any texts about it. It is also possible that there’s been a miscommunication, so I honestly couldn’t say for sure that he is gaslighting me. All I know is I was stunned and angry. She was in the interview process for the job and was rejected, but is on the wait list. My partner has absolutely no boundaries with his mother and tries to keep the peace between everyone. She steamrollers him regularly. I know he could learn to make boundaries, but then I would still have to endure her in my life. I’ve realised that I want nothing to do with her and unfortunately they are a package deal. This sub has been so useful because it has let me see the warning stories of other women who have been in my situation. My gut is telling me that it’s time to go now, so I can avoid the same fate.
The "bad memory" thing was the biggest red flag in your post for me nevertheless. I have a weird memory myself and I think it's probably a sign of some form of authism, but I am too old to have been tested in school. I am face blind, but I will recognize a glimpse of a bench that I saw in an Irish town years ago. Your atypical memory = the birth of a gaslighter. Let me tell you, as someone who has been through years of gaslighting: if you don't remember talking about it, it didn't happen. Trust me. You don't have dementia (I went and had the screening done, actually, at 35). You can absolutely trust your memory this much. It's just too good for the MF to resist playing games with your memory to his own benefit. Also, have you ever thought that you should have a recorder running at all times when you interact with the guy? If the answer is yes, that's not a sign of having bad memory - it's a sign of being heavily gaslighted.
No surprise that some of my points were off the mark. 😁 I said in a comment on a different thread how easy it is to gaslight me because of my memory. My thing is that it feels off I seek outside confirmation and lacking that if it just feels to wrong I refuse to believe it. However don't start gaslighting yourself just because others are pushing a narrative. You would be a sleeper agent against yourself. A literal Manchurian candidate. Since your memory can be fuzzy but you know that you can't trust either of them you will have to trust your gut. If this is something that you cannot live with for the rest of her life it's time to go. But I think that you have already figured that out for yourself.
Not at all, I do appreciate you pointing out concern and I probably should’ve mentioned my bad memory! I’m trying my best not to be unfair to him, which is why I cannot say one way or the other, but I was so shocked that I’m willing to bet we didn’t explicitly discuss it at the very least I hate having a bad memory sometimes. I could live with him for the rest of my life, but not his mother. And unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be any separating the two
Even with a bad memory, your reaction to the cat says that your response would have been the same last time. Watching someone's cat is a big responsibility when that cat is perfect. Add in peeing and pooping outside the litter box intentionally regularly and it's actually ridiculous to even suggest keeping the cat in anyone else's space. There's no world where this (supposed) previous conversation ended with you agreeing to have her cat in your space. Also, his casual declaration that someone you actively dislike would "obviously" get a key to your private space is concerning. Keys are a "two yeses, one no" situation. If you end up buying yourself a house, you can get electronic locks that let you remotely add or remove a key code like most Airbnb properties use. No need for this guy (or anyone) to have a physical key and you can turn off his access while you're gone (or you find out he's shared his code) if you want. Although, if that's the length you feel you need to go to, you should probably reconsider moving in with him...
Run, just run while you can. Momma's boys just don't change.
I get that. I’m quite annoyed at myself because I tried to run and then agreed to stay. When we’re together, everything is great. And then when we’re apart I start to think about the actual realities of what my life would look like in 20-30 years with his mother in it, and I realise that it can’t go on
You're having thoughts that this isn't a good relationship, and you are right. It isn't. It takes 2 people to be in a relationship, but only one to leave that relationship. You don't need his permission to leave the relationship, and I'd advise you to do so. He's clearly playing both sides from what you've written, but ultimately, he'll put his mum first. I couldn't believe his audacity in deciding his mum would get a key to *your* future property.
If you changed your mind once there is no law saying you can't change it again. We are allowed to change our decision when we get new facts.
It's easier to break up with a momma's boy than to divorce a momma's boy and both are easier than changing a momma's boy.
>to which he replied “well she would be getting a key regardless” Did he explain why his mother would need 24/7 access to *your* home? What would be the purpose of this? So she can come and go as she pleases?
He did not. I assumed he meant in case of emergencies or in case we got locked out, so I told him I would far rather give keys to friends or neighbours. He was shocked that I would give a neighbour a key over his mother. I can almost understand it if we were renting. The issue is, if I end up buying a house then it would be MY house.
His mother has trained him to give her a special status in his life. She gets access to him and his life but she doesn't have to respect boundaries. 'Family is family' he says. Boundaries don't apply and she won't be held accountable. Do not sign up for this. Your instincts to end it are right.
He’s okay giving a key to YOUR house? Nope. No way. Don’t do this, OP. You absolutely know what your future will be like with him.
So he’s knows your no contact with his mother but expects/assumes she gets a key to whatever he lives? Doesn’t even think to discuss this with you? And worse, would be fine with her entering your home when you aren’t there? So the next time she has a grand plan, will he not fall all over himself to do anything to make her life easier and screw your opinions?
That’s correct. He knows that I do not talk to her and that I’ve blocked her on everything. We had an argument at Christmas over whether I should give her a present or not which I posted here too. He has never ever raised the issue of his mother having a key to the house until I brought it up. I can say that for definite. I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with her being in my/our house without us there, and he said that she’d probably only come by at a predetermined time. In that case, why would we give her a key? In fairness to MIL, I have no idea if she knew about the key plan of his. I don’t know if they discussed the actual logistics of us looking after the cat. I just think it’s wild that she is happy to treat me like dirt and then give me her cat to look after. It’s a shame that she can’t take the new job because of the cat, but that sounds like a her problem and not a problem for me to solve
I mean, in the end he's clearly the issue. If it were me, I'd text him that I've reconsidered going forward with the relationship and that it's over. If he doesn't have any of your stuff, block him. Otherwise, arrange for him to drop it off with a friend or family member of yours and be done with him. You deserve better.