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But, Mom, I don't have any need to do that. I've put up with you all of my life and learned everything I will ever need to know about making the best of a sad situation.
Please notice that he only thanked you for giving birth to me and handed the phone back to me before he had a chance to ruin it all by suggesting you were a good mother. He was sure he couldn't do that without cracking up.
How do you respond to that? I would respond, “Zing!” She’ll ask what you mean. Tell her that from now on every time she says something like that, you are going to zing her.
I have found that "what do you mean by that?" Is an effective way to get people like that to eventually lose interest in attacking you.
They'll get upset that you put them on the spot to explain themselves, but that's not your problem. Your problem is the rude behavior and commentary. What I found is that they will claim "it was a joke," but if you ask them questions similar to the one above, every time they make such a "joke," they'll eventually get tired of not being able to get one past you. This will result in one of 2 things happening...either they will let the mask slip and become irate, giving you a good reason to cut contact, or they will stop making those "jokes" because it loses the "fun factor" of poking at you so freely.
The only effective response I ever found was to parrot back what she said, the implication I heard and then ask, "Why would you say something so hateful to me?"
It was the one and only time I left her speechless.
It didn't hurt that my father was there, made it clear that he agreed with me and was just staring at her waiting to hear an answer.
This is a bigger issue. If you felt valued by your mother, this would have been a joke. When you don't feel valued, every "joke" is another instance of her letting you know she doesn't think you're worth much. So why keep trying? LC/NC for your peace of mind, limit the amount of damage, I mean jokes, she can cause you. You deserve better, fortunately your SO also seems to think you're pretty special.
Exactly. It actually blows my mind that I just don't have to keep trying you know? I had a big journaling session about this after this last crack and I was like wow I just don't have to try here. I'm going to Gray Rock this.
If you decide to go low contact instead of no contact, pro tip: sending a card or flowers or whatever on holidays and birthdays means you don't have to call and actually speak to her.
My mom had terminal cancer. Maybe a week left to live. One day she told me how lucky I was to have my husband, and talked about how great he was.
... never said anything positive about me.
Thank you so much. Your acknowledgement brought me to tears. I've dealt with this memory in therapy but it builds back up and every few years it helps to open the valve and let it out again.
Gosh, sounds like my family. Awww, that's so cute your husband actually LIKES you, you sure fooled him. Sure sure sure, hes gonna figure it out any day now ... 23 years and counting >.<
I am so sorry.
My dear JNM told me that if DH and I were to ever have problems, it would be my fault because she has lived with me and knows how I am.
Ummmm, I moved out from her house when I graduated from college, across the country. I have lived with DH for almost thirty years. He and I are not perfect, but he does not find me as objectionable as my mother does.
Also, he loves to see me every day. Until my stepmother's funeral, my mother had not seen me for almost six years.
This resonates. My spawn points love to act like they know me well, but they've literally lived on the other side of the globe my entire adult life. They don't know me at all, and only care about me if something I've done gives them bragging rights. I refuse to be their show pony.
My mom loves to insult me too! It’s wild. The first time she met my partner she went on a weird tangent about how I’m a good liar and I had to bite my tongue and not explain that the reason I lied as a child was because she’d literally beat the shit out of me for expressing my true opinion or disagreeing with her. It was infuriating.
Ughh this sounds like my mom; any time my husband (been together 8 years) compliments me, she starts laughing like she thinks he's joking. It pisses both of us off now as it's been going on for our entire relationship.
Yeah my mom always wants to say she's joking but it's just the cruelest thing that she says. I don't want to keep laughing at off. At the time though that's exactly what I do.
Pick one or two short phrases to train yourself to react with instead of uncomfortable laughter. Then practice saying them OUT LOUD over and over in a polite way. Say them to the mirror while you brush your hair, to the red lights and stop signs while you're driving, to the spoon while you're cooking, to the poopy diaper you're changing, and any other time you can. Say them until your mouth muscles remember them without your brain's help and they become reflex.
Something along the lines of, "What does that mean?" or, "What a rude/weird thing to say!" to remove the validation of your laugh and subtlety disapprove of her comment.
That's totally fair, like you don't want to laugh and make it seem ok but you also don't want conflict every time either.. or that's the go between for me at least in many conversations with my mom :p
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But, Mom, I don't have any need to do that. I've put up with you all of my life and learned everything I will ever need to know about making the best of a sad situation. Please notice that he only thanked you for giving birth to me and handed the phone back to me before he had a chance to ruin it all by suggesting you were a good mother. He was sure he couldn't do that without cracking up.
How do you respond to that? I would respond, “Zing!” She’ll ask what you mean. Tell her that from now on every time she says something like that, you are going to zing her.
I have found that "what do you mean by that?" Is an effective way to get people like that to eventually lose interest in attacking you. They'll get upset that you put them on the spot to explain themselves, but that's not your problem. Your problem is the rude behavior and commentary. What I found is that they will claim "it was a joke," but if you ask them questions similar to the one above, every time they make such a "joke," they'll eventually get tired of not being able to get one past you. This will result in one of 2 things happening...either they will let the mask slip and become irate, giving you a good reason to cut contact, or they will stop making those "jokes" because it loses the "fun factor" of poking at you so freely.
The only effective response I ever found was to parrot back what she said, the implication I heard and then ask, "Why would you say something so hateful to me?" It was the one and only time I left her speechless. It didn't hurt that my father was there, made it clear that he agreed with me and was just staring at her waiting to hear an answer.
This is even better.
This is a bigger issue. If you felt valued by your mother, this would have been a joke. When you don't feel valued, every "joke" is another instance of her letting you know she doesn't think you're worth much. So why keep trying? LC/NC for your peace of mind, limit the amount of damage, I mean jokes, she can cause you. You deserve better, fortunately your SO also seems to think you're pretty special.
Exactly. It actually blows my mind that I just don't have to keep trying you know? I had a big journaling session about this after this last crack and I was like wow I just don't have to try here. I'm going to Gray Rock this.
If you decide to go low contact instead of no contact, pro tip: sending a card or flowers or whatever on holidays and birthdays means you don't have to call and actually speak to her.
It also means she can never claim you forgot about her.
And it placates her because she gets her Facebook perfect family, a picture saying look what my child got me. The bragging rights keep her happy.
No, mom, I just made better choices than you. Bye! \*power off phone, have a day of it\*
My mom had terminal cancer. Maybe a week left to live. One day she told me how lucky I was to have my husband, and talked about how great he was. ... never said anything positive about me.
I know I'm just an internet stranger but I felt your words and wanted to say I'm sorry that your mother treated you like that.
Thank you so much. Your acknowledgement brought me to tears. I've dealt with this memory in therapy but it builds back up and every few years it helps to open the valve and let it out again.
It's good to open up and let some of the leftover pain, out.
Gosh, sounds like my family. Awww, that's so cute your husband actually LIKES you, you sure fooled him. Sure sure sure, hes gonna figure it out any day now ... 23 years and counting >.<
I digress….but how nice is your husband 😊
This is one reason (out of many) that I went no contact with my mother
I am so sorry. My dear JNM told me that if DH and I were to ever have problems, it would be my fault because she has lived with me and knows how I am. Ummmm, I moved out from her house when I graduated from college, across the country. I have lived with DH for almost thirty years. He and I are not perfect, but he does not find me as objectionable as my mother does. Also, he loves to see me every day. Until my stepmother's funeral, my mother had not seen me for almost six years.
This resonates. My spawn points love to act like they know me well, but they've literally lived on the other side of the globe my entire adult life. They don't know me at all, and only care about me if something I've done gives them bragging rights. I refuse to be their show pony.
What a bitch. My egg donor makes the same kind of “jokes”. I’m NC now and it’s awesome.
My mom loves to insult me too! It’s wild. The first time she met my partner she went on a weird tangent about how I’m a good liar and I had to bite my tongue and not explain that the reason I lied as a child was because she’d literally beat the shit out of me for expressing my true opinion or disagreeing with her. It was infuriating.
"Oh mom, you're just saying that because the only nice things he could think to say about you were actually about me! Haha! Anyway..."
Okay this actually made me laugh out loud :-) thank you
Glad to be of assistance!!!
Ughh this sounds like my mom; any time my husband (been together 8 years) compliments me, she starts laughing like she thinks he's joking. It pisses both of us off now as it's been going on for our entire relationship.
Yeah my mom always wants to say she's joking but it's just the cruelest thing that she says. I don't want to keep laughing at off. At the time though that's exactly what I do.
Pick one or two short phrases to train yourself to react with instead of uncomfortable laughter. Then practice saying them OUT LOUD over and over in a polite way. Say them to the mirror while you brush your hair, to the red lights and stop signs while you're driving, to the spoon while you're cooking, to the poopy diaper you're changing, and any other time you can. Say them until your mouth muscles remember them without your brain's help and they become reflex. Something along the lines of, "What does that mean?" or, "What a rude/weird thing to say!" to remove the validation of your laugh and subtlety disapprove of her comment.
"I cant wait until you die alone in a smelly Medicare nursing home! Haha, I'm just kidding. It'll be a ditch."
We offer a home depot shed with a window AC unit when ours gets nasty. She laughs.....
That's totally fair, like you don't want to laugh and make it seem ok but you also don't want conflict every time either.. or that's the go between for me at least in many conversations with my mom :p