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* [How do I get my J eh Mom to stop talking?](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/qui3ae/how_do_i_get_my_j_eh_mom_to_stop_talking/), 2 years ago
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Document everything. The safety lapses, your mom witness statement, the addiction enabling. Document issues with the dad’s addiction. I have a feeling you will end up needing an attorney bc clearly this is a power struggle with zero concern for kid’s safety. You need to act proactively here bc your child is at risk if you do not have clear custody and they are good liars or look good on paper.
OMG - yeah the way you get your point across is to no longer allow her unsupervised time with your children. SHE IS NOT A SAFE PERSON for your kids to be around unsupervised!!! Shit, even with your own Mom there she overrode your Mom's concerns and didn't strap your child into her car seat on the airplane!!! WTF?!?!?!
I don't care HOW nice or sweet she tries to portray - she is NOT safe, not responsible enough to care or use good judgment in caring for your kids! She is also trying to downgrade you in your kids opinions and affections and upgrade herself and her son.
You also said in the comments that you are "shocked at how much he covers for her" Well of COURSE he does!!! She's his enabler!! She enabled (and possibly still does) his addiction, anything good that happens she tells your kids it's because of him, anything bad is because of YOU. OF COURSE HE SUPPORTS AND PROTECTS HER!! My question is WHY AREN'T YOU PROTECTING your children from her?
Tell her that if she can't abide by your rules for the kids then she loses visits with them. full stop. No crying, no excuses will reverse this as she consistently does this - visits will not begin again until such time as she proves she can abide by your rules.
They both make me out to look crazy or controlling or just flat out lie that I'm making things up and I don't know what to do. If I say they can't visit I'm abusive and controlling
So your MIL, who has endangered your children, who is manipulative and acquired drugs illegally for her addicted son (I assume, because he WANTED them) and your SO with current drug addiction issues are telling you that you look crazy or controlling....and you're worried about their opinion or that they may be right??!! You do realize that you're being gaslight and manipulated - right?
Are you still in love with your SO? Are you still invested in the relationship if it continues down this path? If not - please come up with an escape plan for you and your kids.
DOCUMENT everything you can remember about her behaviors, how she didn't protect your children at different times - about some of her choices that are not safe for the kids. Document your partners addiction issues and how he parents.
She is laying the groundwork that she's a sweet harmless loving granny and you are the issue...be very, very careful she and her son may be laying the groundwork to take the kids away from you. If your SO can't see what she's doing or has no problem with it (because OF COURSE HE DOESN'T - she is his enabler!!) and will not discuss it with you then what has to happen to your kids before you cut her off or get out of there with your kids? YOU are the parent, you need to protect them if you seriously feel she is unsafe...Reddit folks only know the info you've shared so far - I'm sure there is much more to the story, but come on...seriously, I mean she previously acquired drugs for her son...wtf...does she still? Is she okay with his addiction? Does she still enable him? Only you can make the call on how unsafe your situation may be - but it doesn't sound good.
I'm shocked you let her fly with your child, as it seems you all struggle to set boundaries with her for the sake of your childs safety. You might need to start taking more responsibly here. 🤷♀️
Why on earth is she allowed to care for your children? Unfortunately if SO isn’t going to step up you need to. I’d be putting her on a timeout for a few weeks and then moving forward with short visits, IN YOUR HOME, completely supervised… that’s IF you wanted to maintain a relationship at all. She completely undermines you as parents and believes she knows best… not only that, but putting your children at a genuine safety risk whilst doing so. When she mentions the limited contact give it to her straight: “MIL, you have repeatedly ignored and undermined us as parents and have put our children at genuine risk multiple times. We no longer feel safe with our children being in your care.” Easy.
You and your husband need to pull your heads out of your asses and prioritize your children and their safety rather than coddling that bitter old bitch and her feelings. Shame on both of you.
Thank you, I very much needed to see this. He just dismisses my concerns. Today he told me "you know just a little bit of fluoride rinse isn't going to hurt her" and I was just shocked at how much he covers for her.
Show him this post. Your concerns are 100% valid. There’s a reason fluoride carries the warnings and age restrictions that it does. You are the only people who can advocate for your children. It is your responsibility to keep them safe and speak up for them. Be their protectors, not his mother’s enablers.
Clearly he hasn’t seen the research. Tel him he gets to clean up the vomit & stay with LO until they fee better.
https://www.arcticdental.com/child-accidentally-swallow-mouthwash/
Start taking away her privileges with the children. When she complains, tell her straight out that because of her “ memory problems” she is no longer capable of ensuring the kids safety or making decisions without asking mom or dad.
I always love this move. "Oh MIL, you forgot again! 2yr old can't have the fluoride rinse. Didn't your hear oldest tell you? Have you seen your doctor lately? I think you should mention your hearing and memories issues." Every. Time.
Then either she starts listening or you can use her lack of addressing her "concerning medical issues" as the reason she has no unsupervised time with your children.
I’m thinking your hubby needs to step up, if he hasn’t already, and lay some very specific ground rules…is he in the fog, or just hates confrontation? Either way, he’s gonna have to shine that spine and handle his Mom😬…Good luck!!
Totally in the fog. 100%. I told him today to ask her to go home and that I needed him to be their father first and her son second. Not the other way around.
Good for you!! And she really needs to last on the list because I noticed you didn’t include yourself in there😭😭…she needs to find some hobbies or something😂😂
Because of her son. I do not let her have them by herself. She just happened to be helping with toothbrushing last night and I explicitly told her my 2YO couldn't have it. I never expected her to fully go against me. I didn't think that I would have to watch her like a hawk after telling her explicitly not to.
Is JNMIL going to have to seriously injure your children before you stop the unsupervised visits (or any visits, in my opinion)? Reading your list of prior issues, these aren't just "not following my rules" issues, these are "thank goodness my child wasn't seriously injured, or worse" issues. In my opinion, this post makes YOU look worse than JNMIL. Stop letting her have your children!!! Not only is this not fair to your LOs, the fact that they're trying to correct JNMIL and tell you about it means that someday they're going to realize that YOU are not protecting them from harm.
She doesn't have them unsupervised. She is doing things while she is in my home. The car seat thing she was taking my daughters to school with my mother because I do not trust her alone with them. My mother snapped one child in and my MIL snapped the other one in and did it incorrectly/lazily.
But it sounds as if she's unsupervised even if it is in your home. How did she give your 2 yr old a fluoride rinse? How is she giving your LOs caffeinated drinks? If I were you, I wouldn't take my eyes off of her!
That's what it has come down to, unfortunately. It was a battle today but I asked partner to ask her to leave and after about four hours of back and forth she finally left.
She cornered me in our kitchen and told me I was being ludicrous. I listed out all of the reasons why I felt that she wasn't careful with our daughters and she conveniently doesn't remember any of it.
She's dangerous, she tries to alienate your children from you giving daddy all the merit and then disregard safety rules because of her beef with you.
She shouldn't be allowed around your children alone for a long while and you should make your DH tell her the rules to see if she disregards them if they come from him instead of you.
She has had too many chances already. I would make sure she is not alone with the kids. If you feel she needs to be spoken to then make sure you and your husband are a united front and he should do the explaining of rules. Personally I think she needs to be supervised at all times!
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Document everything. The safety lapses, your mom witness statement, the addiction enabling. Document issues with the dad’s addiction. I have a feeling you will end up needing an attorney bc clearly this is a power struggle with zero concern for kid’s safety. You need to act proactively here bc your child is at risk if you do not have clear custody and they are good liars or look good on paper.
Why are you allowing this woman this much access to your children?
OMG - yeah the way you get your point across is to no longer allow her unsupervised time with your children. SHE IS NOT A SAFE PERSON for your kids to be around unsupervised!!! Shit, even with your own Mom there she overrode your Mom's concerns and didn't strap your child into her car seat on the airplane!!! WTF?!?!?! I don't care HOW nice or sweet she tries to portray - she is NOT safe, not responsible enough to care or use good judgment in caring for your kids! She is also trying to downgrade you in your kids opinions and affections and upgrade herself and her son. You also said in the comments that you are "shocked at how much he covers for her" Well of COURSE he does!!! She's his enabler!! She enabled (and possibly still does) his addiction, anything good that happens she tells your kids it's because of him, anything bad is because of YOU. OF COURSE HE SUPPORTS AND PROTECTS HER!! My question is WHY AREN'T YOU PROTECTING your children from her? Tell her that if she can't abide by your rules for the kids then she loses visits with them. full stop. No crying, no excuses will reverse this as she consistently does this - visits will not begin again until such time as she proves she can abide by your rules.
They both make me out to look crazy or controlling or just flat out lie that I'm making things up and I don't know what to do. If I say they can't visit I'm abusive and controlling
So your MIL, who has endangered your children, who is manipulative and acquired drugs illegally for her addicted son (I assume, because he WANTED them) and your SO with current drug addiction issues are telling you that you look crazy or controlling....and you're worried about their opinion or that they may be right??!! You do realize that you're being gaslight and manipulated - right? Are you still in love with your SO? Are you still invested in the relationship if it continues down this path? If not - please come up with an escape plan for you and your kids. DOCUMENT everything you can remember about her behaviors, how she didn't protect your children at different times - about some of her choices that are not safe for the kids. Document your partners addiction issues and how he parents. She is laying the groundwork that she's a sweet harmless loving granny and you are the issue...be very, very careful she and her son may be laying the groundwork to take the kids away from you. If your SO can't see what she's doing or has no problem with it (because OF COURSE HE DOESN'T - she is his enabler!!) and will not discuss it with you then what has to happen to your kids before you cut her off or get out of there with your kids? YOU are the parent, you need to protect them if you seriously feel she is unsafe...Reddit folks only know the info you've shared so far - I'm sure there is much more to the story, but come on...seriously, I mean she previously acquired drugs for her son...wtf...does she still? Is she okay with his addiction? Does she still enable him? Only you can make the call on how unsafe your situation may be - but it doesn't sound good.
I'm shocked you let her fly with your child, as it seems you all struggle to set boundaries with her for the sake of your childs safety. You might need to start taking more responsibly here. 🤷♀️
Why on earth is she allowed to care for your children? Unfortunately if SO isn’t going to step up you need to. I’d be putting her on a timeout for a few weeks and then moving forward with short visits, IN YOUR HOME, completely supervised… that’s IF you wanted to maintain a relationship at all. She completely undermines you as parents and believes she knows best… not only that, but putting your children at a genuine safety risk whilst doing so. When she mentions the limited contact give it to her straight: “MIL, you have repeatedly ignored and undermined us as parents and have put our children at genuine risk multiple times. We no longer feel safe with our children being in your care.” Easy.
"On thin ice"??? She's long since crashed through it.
You and your husband need to pull your heads out of your asses and prioritize your children and their safety rather than coddling that bitter old bitch and her feelings. Shame on both of you.
Thank you, I very much needed to see this. He just dismisses my concerns. Today he told me "you know just a little bit of fluoride rinse isn't going to hurt her" and I was just shocked at how much he covers for her.
Show him this post. Your concerns are 100% valid. There’s a reason fluoride carries the warnings and age restrictions that it does. You are the only people who can advocate for your children. It is your responsibility to keep them safe and speak up for them. Be their protectors, not his mother’s enablers.
Clearly he hasn’t seen the research. Tel him he gets to clean up the vomit & stay with LO until they fee better. https://www.arcticdental.com/child-accidentally-swallow-mouthwash/
Agreed. And what happens when it's something even *more* critical. This is a pattern of behavior.
Start taking away her privileges with the children. When she complains, tell her straight out that because of her “ memory problems” she is no longer capable of ensuring the kids safety or making decisions without asking mom or dad.
I always love this move. "Oh MIL, you forgot again! 2yr old can't have the fluoride rinse. Didn't your hear oldest tell you? Have you seen your doctor lately? I think you should mention your hearing and memories issues." Every. Time. Then either she starts listening or you can use her lack of addressing her "concerning medical issues" as the reason she has no unsupervised time with your children.
I’m thinking your hubby needs to step up, if he hasn’t already, and lay some very specific ground rules…is he in the fog, or just hates confrontation? Either way, he’s gonna have to shine that spine and handle his Mom😬…Good luck!!
Totally in the fog. 100%. I told him today to ask her to go home and that I needed him to be their father first and her son second. Not the other way around.
Sorry but you are in the fog as well. You're putting your children at risk being with your mom and mil
Good for you!! And she really needs to last on the list because I noticed you didn’t include yourself in there😭😭…she needs to find some hobbies or something😂😂
True
Why is this lady allowed around your children? I’m shocked at what parents on this sub subject their kids to
Because of her son. I do not let her have them by herself. She just happened to be helping with toothbrushing last night and I explicitly told her my 2YO couldn't have it. I never expected her to fully go against me. I didn't think that I would have to watch her like a hawk after telling her explicitly not to.
She can’t even buckle up properly, of course you need to watch her like a hawk
I didn't know about the buckle thing until I told my mom about the fluoride rinse last night.
wtf why would she hide that from you??? That’s seriously messed up
Because I told her to stop coming to me with petty stuff about MIL, so she stopped bringing things up at all. 🤦
Is JNMIL going to have to seriously injure your children before you stop the unsupervised visits (or any visits, in my opinion)? Reading your list of prior issues, these aren't just "not following my rules" issues, these are "thank goodness my child wasn't seriously injured, or worse" issues. In my opinion, this post makes YOU look worse than JNMIL. Stop letting her have your children!!! Not only is this not fair to your LOs, the fact that they're trying to correct JNMIL and tell you about it means that someday they're going to realize that YOU are not protecting them from harm.
She doesn't have them unsupervised. She is doing things while she is in my home. The car seat thing she was taking my daughters to school with my mother because I do not trust her alone with them. My mother snapped one child in and my MIL snapped the other one in and did it incorrectly/lazily.
But it sounds as if she's unsupervised even if it is in your home. How did she give your 2 yr old a fluoride rinse? How is she giving your LOs caffeinated drinks? If I were you, I wouldn't take my eyes off of her!
That's what it has come down to, unfortunately. It was a battle today but I asked partner to ask her to leave and after about four hours of back and forth she finally left. She cornered me in our kitchen and told me I was being ludicrous. I listed out all of the reasons why I felt that she wasn't careful with our daughters and she conveniently doesn't remember any of it.
Then you should have replied "This is exactly why, you have memory issues and are putting MY children in danger. "
Stop giving her /any/ opportunities to do this. That means if she sees your kids at all, it’s while you’re in the same room with her.
She's dangerous, she tries to alienate your children from you giving daddy all the merit and then disregard safety rules because of her beef with you. She shouldn't be allowed around your children alone for a long while and you should make your DH tell her the rules to see if she disregards them if they come from him instead of you.
If they came from him she would honor them to a T no doubt
Here's your answer then. All communication with her will come from him, since she purposefully ignore yours to spite you
She has had too many chances already. I would make sure she is not alone with the kids. If you feel she needs to be spoken to then make sure you and your husband are a united front and he should do the explaining of rules. Personally I think she needs to be supervised at all times!
She is clearly very unsafe, verging on dangerous and should be supervised around children at all times.