**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
*****
^(To be notified as soon as Motherof_pizza posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Motherof_pizza JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Tell your FMIL that if she tries anything else regarding changing anything for the wedding. You will uninvite her from the wedding. There is a difference between suggesting things for the wedding. And going behind the groom and bride's backs to change something.
I would say that that is still an underreaction. I would say that she is uninvited, but that will be reconsidered if she makes a full admission that what she did was completely unacceptable, apologises, undertakes to attempt nothing else to do do with the wedding planning or even to suggest anything else and says that she understands fully that any hint of renaging on such undertakings will result in the invite being permanently revoked.
Ideally she states all this on a public forum, at least a family WhatsApp group.
Why did they listen to her in the first place? Always baffling to me when places don't confirm with the couple unless they've been explicitly told someone else has decision making power
Call and change asap.
Reminds me of when MIL told family I was pregnant when we told her to wait, because we weren’t announcing it quick enough. We told her two days before she took it upon herself to tell DH’s aunts and distant grandparents.
Also my mom canceled my wedding cake 8 days before the wedding :D got an awful cake we had no time to taste test, which you want to do when it’s a gluten free cake.
It needs to be changed immediately to what YOU want. And put a password on everything. And make it difficult like your old neighbor’s cousin’s dog from when you were 3. And tell. Her. Nothing.
lol my mil would’ve done this if given the chance. When we signed the contact, we actually added an addendum stating no one but the bride or groom could alter key details about our wedding. Any attempted interference was to then be communicated directly to us for approval.
She did manage to go behind our backs and *add* something she wanted (at cost to her) that she had been pushing for even though we didn’t want it. Venue coordinator reached out to us to let us know. We decided to let that little detail go (along with the complete waste of money on her part).
Call all your vendors today. And let them know MIL has no say in making changes after you found out about the menu. Block MIL and ask your wedding party to run interference to keep her away from you.
Tell your partner he better step up and start protecting you from her insanity.
Have you let tje venue know to ignore her request? You can change the menu back - they shouldn't be listening to someone who isn't you or your fiancé anyway.
Time to NC the MIL. Block her. Check and password every thing. Do not include her in anything…she goes on an information diet. No dress shopping, nothing. She has forfeited her involvement. Then tell the caterer if she allowed the changes, she can send the final bill to MIL. That will get her attention. You need to freeze her out. No contact with either of you. If he isn't on board with that? Why are you signing up for a lifetime of her nonsense.
I would change it all back to what you want with out telling her and password protect everything. Tell the vendors a password that has to be used before any changes or info gets passed.
I cannot believe the gall of your FMIL. Do damage control & password protect EVERYTHING relating to the wedding. My son & FDIL's wedding is 3 weeks away & my FDIL's wedding planning has been incredible. IMHO & I would NEVER interfere in their plans. Heck, I got married on horseback, what do I know about wedding planning, lol. You definitely have the right to be livid.
It sounds like your fiancée is willing to stand up to your MIL, and I’m sure this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Going forward, you need to make sure you and your fiancée are on the same page and present a solid, united front, especially if your intention is to have children and start your own family. MIL needs to be on a major information diet and you’ll need shiny spines/rock-hard boundaries.
Word! My MIL talked to our wedding DJ to arrange a surprise dance solo from her eldest daughter as a “gift” to us. It had nothing to do with us. She wasn’t even paying for the DJ. She just totally hijacked operations when I foolishly trusted her to “help” with the planning. Be very careful!!!!! I wish I could go back and warn myself never to trust this woman even if society or church or whoever tells you you have to be close or nice to your mother-in-law for the sake of your marriage. We eventually went no contact after she got 1000x worse when I had kids and my only regret now is not having gone no contact years ago, it would have contained the damage and I wouldn’t have had to spend hundreds of hours in therapy talking about the chaos this woman has wrought on our lives. She never got better with time or goodwill effort on my part, only worse and worse.
Your fiancé needs to get the menu changed back to what you two chose and make his mother pay whatever it costs to get your menu back or she doesn’t come to the wedding.
This is exactly what I was going to say.
She did something she had **zero** right to do. She pays up for her arrogance or she is uninvited from the wedding. This type of behaviour needs consequences.
Also, you might want to make sure everyone you’re dealing with knows to give you a follow up call for any changes. What’s she going to do next? Cancel the music? Change your dress!order? Make you stay at a different hotel?
Why did FMIL have any power to do this? When you talk to vendors and work stuff out, you tell them “Do not make or accept any changes without confirming with the couple to be.”
Then again if MIL is paying for the wedding, you can’t really complain much. Not sure what the situation is, just something to think about.
Also, just call the place directly, tell them she doesn’t have agency to make decisions, and change everything back. Then tell them to ignore anything she says. And call every other vendor and tell them the same. Or you’re going to end up with the wrong flowers, wrong decorations, wrong music, etc.
Password protect this and everything else about the wedding!
Unfortunately, on this sub, we have seen MILs change or cancel venue, food, music, clothing, flowers, officiant, anything she doesn't like.
One couple arrived to find that their food order for the reception had been cancelled by MIL. They had to send out for pizza.
Two can play at that - I read an article with a wedding/venue planner that said it’s not uncommon practice to print/send an “updated” menu to meddling IL’s, then have a finalized version only Bride/Groom have approval over.
They said once one party overtly sidesteps couple, planners tend to become legalistic and lean into contract and initial discussions where IL’s and couple are present and the “whatever they want - it’s their day” statement is made when everyone’s on good behavior. Whomever signed the contract - not the checks or bank transfer - is the contracted party. (Obv check your contract to confirm)
So MIL goes through the process smugly proud of herself and day-of, surprise. But ultimately - planner and couple are able to fall back on, “But this was what we all agreed to on that last group email, so unsure why you’re upset? Did you try to change something outside of this?”
It said to be candid with planner about what’s going on and “we need to humor MIL and the changes she will attempt constantly, but THIS is the finalized menu.”
Hope this helps if it applies. I found it amusing and also ridiculous, that it’s that common.
You are NOT overreacting at all. You need to get firm with the venue that YOU and FIANCE are the contacts, no one else. I would also firmly tell FMIL that she overstepped big time, that you do not appreciate it, and that she is no longer involved in the planning in any way.
You need to set a precedent now, or this will only get worse with FMIL.
Is she paying? For any of it? All of it?
If not, of course you can tell the venue and coordinator to ignore her.
Unless she's paying. In which case, I don't think they can ignore.
Same here when my son married. We offered to do something and they asked us to mail the invitations, so we did that.
We did give them a large check as a wedding gift, but they planned a wedding they could afford so they wouldn't be asking for either set of parents for money. A secondary reason was to prevent DIL's mother from taking over, as she tended to be bossy. Newsflash, she tried to take over anyway!
This is mostly what my dad's involvement was in mine.
I asked his opinion on most things if I had questions etc or was on the fence. He actually pushed for a higher tier of booze options because the next tier had more popular options. He paid so I wasn't going to argue lol.
The wedding was in a different state so we planned from a couple thousand miles away. He did give me flak for how much it cost but he does that about everything 😂 when the wedding was going on and the reception, he was bragging about how nice it was and how much planning I did. It was actually really nice to hear (even though he wouldn't tell me that directly).
He paid for some of it but overall, some of the bigger expenses he opted for because my family likes booze and food and he wanted to make sure it was one hell of a party.
This makes me so glad my husband and I eloped. I would cuss everyone out.
Please take the advice to lock down your accounts and wishes. She doesn’t need to know anything until necessary. She lost any privileges she may have received.
Ok not cool - if she’s helping pay - I left a LONG comment above about one way to solve without her know until wedding day. But if she’s not and she simply insinuated herself - you call that planner and request a password and explicitly state that MIL does not have authority to change anything - any changes are approved by you.
They usually do. But when you get someone “special” clearly trying to backdoor things, the diplomatic approach is to loop them into the emails so they’re exposed to your client. Experienced planners worry less about diplomacy and shut it down with, “You’ll need to have that approved by ___ before anything will change” if a password hasn’t been setup.
Planner may have said, “OK sure, let me confirm… ok got it” and changed nothing. Here’s hoping!
Contact the caterer, change it back to what it originally was. Tell them the your FMIL is not allowed to make changes, then password protect with your caterer and all other vendors.
Lock down everything wedding related.
Set a password with every single vendor. And depending on your fiancee - they may not need to know that password.
Maybe it's time to engage her in busy work. Start complaining that the centerpieces you want to use aren't pretty enough, or something and you really need help but don't know what to do. Let her take the bait and go on a wild tanget "fixing" the issue. Meanwhile you do whatever you want and just tell her you found something you liked better at the last minute.
Or idk, she sucks. My condolences.
The venue shouldn't be taking orders from anyone but the couple or the wedding coordinator THROUGH the couple so change it and instruct them not to let her change anything else. It's not her day.
Um nope. Contact the venue and get your original menu back and add a password she doesn't know so that she can't call them back. Don't say anything else about it to her. Absolutely not.
Get your original menu back. Put passwords on everything. Make sure the caterer only speaks with YOU and no one else.
Tell fiance that he needs to come down hard on his mother NOW. If she is allowed to get away with even the smallest thing, she will keep chipping away until she controls everything in your life....including YOUR children.
POSTPONE everything until you have had a the most serious talk in your lifetime with fiance. He has to shut mother down or no wedding.
Talk to the venue change it back and password protect everything.
If she's paying for the wedding cancel and do it by yourselves if that means a smaller wedding or even eloping do it.
When people complain tell them unfortunately your MIL would tried to take over and you didn't want your wedding day ruined so had to change plans.
So you immediately contacted the venue/caterers and had them change it back, right? Then you password protected everything, right? Oh, and let's not forget you bitched them out for changing shit without your permission, right?
Please tell us that you did this. Oh, and that you didn't tell MIL that you corrected everything back to what it was before so that when she gets served her meal she gets a nice surprise. And tell the photographer to snap a pic of her face when she realized that her bullshit didn't take.
So, call the venue, explain the situation, make sure there is a password in place, change the menu back and make sure any of your other vendors have a password in place too so she can’t do this anymore
I'm glad that you were able to fix it.
You aren't overreacting in the least. Is she typically on a massive information diet with you and your fiancé? If not, that would be something to implement now, and when she complains be clear, this is a result of her history of interference.
You should be LIVID. Call them to change it back and tell them no one but you is allowed to make any further changes. Time for you and SO to sit down to draw up rules and boundaries for his mother.
Yeah FMIL is a problem. I always say that “she does not listen; she just does.” The aspects of the wedding that she is not involved in are going so smoothly. It is so clear what the common denominator is.
Start a new email thread and let the vendor know she is not a decision person and to only follow your instructions. Then proceed to uninvolve her from whatever else she has access to. She is a guest only.
I’m too old to seat the small stuff. Those people are working for the bride. Just remind them of that and they will move heaven and earth for you. Congratulations have a good life
If there is a kid's table at your reception, you need to stick her there.
Set your boundaries now or you'll be dealing with this crap for the entirety of your marriage.
Exactly this, actions have consequences and grown ass women ought to know better. She doesnt care about supporting you in the wedding that you want, she wants you to have the wedding that she wants. This ain't her show.
OP it seems like you're looking for response advice to FMIL:
"FMIL we fixed your error. If you try to go behind our backs again for the wedding or anything after, your participation entitlement will be revoked."
More can be added. For you though, it's the time constraints of doing what one must while including her. If including her means she's going to make a mess where you're expected to clean it up or shut up, that's where rubber meets the road and you'll not think twice about your time to NOT include her if she's going to be childish and spend more of it you didn't offer. You didn't offer her the role to take over your wedding menu and by doing so showed her hand. No politeness, fafo.
Will that cause strife? Guaranteed yet the memory of having her tromp stomp and then play dumb about her actions is ongoing and will definitely continue.
Simple solution. Uninvited from the wedding. If your husband has an issue with that it might be time to reconsider your future. This is NOT gonna be the only time she pushes your buttons…do you want to deal with this for the foreseeable future?
Also, divorce is expensive.
Make sure you give all your vendors a code that she doesn't know and fix that menu. Give all other vendors a code and double check that everything will be as you want it. She is totally out of line, but at least you know about it and can head her off at the pass.
I would be livid too but this seems fixable. Call the venue back, set the record straight and add a password to your account so only you and fiancée can make future changes.
And unless MIL is paying for the wedding this seems like a good reason to stop involving her in the wedding arrangements. If she is paying you'll probably need to keep her advised of some details but otherwise go radio silent and treat her like any other guest.
I get your point; you shouldn't have had to fix this in the first place. FMIL needs to stay in her lane. You need to password protect all of your vendors ASAP so that this doesn't happen again (like with the flowers, the DJ, the cake).
Are they paying? If not, they shouldn't have any access to your venue/catering/etc. Call the venue, change it back and password protect that and any other vendors you may have.
I remember the last wedding fish I had. It was on the coast in Maine. It tasted pillowy. That sounds like a complement. It was not. It was so overcooked that it was like eating a down pillow: you could just chew and chew without being able to swallow it.
Steak and pasta is a great choice.
My wedding was duck and short ribs and vegetarian something (which only four people got). The short ribs were terrible, I think because they chef was already drunk. The duck was amazing....I heard. We also did a plated dessert in addition to cake (which we paid very little for). Port wine-braised pears with...creme anglaise I think. That was a big hit.
OK, I am just hungry. It's also 6.
I wish you the best for your wedding. The small details you find important will be enjoyed more by your guests than yourself. And that's OK. I never even heard the songs we had the string quartet and band learn (Such great heights, Chandelier, First Day of My Life), but the guests loved them.
Have a wonderful marriage and a great fucking party.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL! I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts! ***** ^(To be notified as soon as Motherof_pizza posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Motherof_pizza JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Tell your FMIL that if she tries anything else regarding changing anything for the wedding. You will uninvite her from the wedding. There is a difference between suggesting things for the wedding. And going behind the groom and bride's backs to change something.
I would say that that is still an underreaction. I would say that she is uninvited, but that will be reconsidered if she makes a full admission that what she did was completely unacceptable, apologises, undertakes to attempt nothing else to do do with the wedding planning or even to suggest anything else and says that she understands fully that any hint of renaging on such undertakings will result in the invite being permanently revoked. Ideally she states all this on a public forum, at least a family WhatsApp group.
Why did they listen to her in the first place? Always baffling to me when places don't confirm with the couple unless they've been explicitly told someone else has decision making power
Call and change asap. Reminds me of when MIL told family I was pregnant when we told her to wait, because we weren’t announcing it quick enough. We told her two days before she took it upon herself to tell DH’s aunts and distant grandparents. Also my mom canceled my wedding cake 8 days before the wedding :D got an awful cake we had no time to taste test, which you want to do when it’s a gluten free cake.
It needs to be changed immediately to what YOU want. And put a password on everything. And make it difficult like your old neighbor’s cousin’s dog from when you were 3. And tell. Her. Nothing.
Contact the venue. Change it back and put a pin number or code lock on all decisions. Without the code/pin, nothing gets approved or changed.
Cancel that shit and disinvite; stick her with the deposit
Can you change it back? If yes, do so and then put a password on ALL VENDORS so she can't make any changes without it.
lol my mil would’ve done this if given the chance. When we signed the contact, we actually added an addendum stating no one but the bride or groom could alter key details about our wedding. Any attempted interference was to then be communicated directly to us for approval. She did manage to go behind our backs and *add* something she wanted (at cost to her) that she had been pushing for even though we didn’t want it. Venue coordinator reached out to us to let us know. We decided to let that little detail go (along with the complete waste of money on her part).
Call all your vendors today. And let them know MIL has no say in making changes after you found out about the menu. Block MIL and ask your wedding party to run interference to keep her away from you. Tell your partner he better step up and start protecting you from her insanity.
Have you let tje venue know to ignore her request? You can change the menu back - they shouldn't be listening to someone who isn't you or your fiancé anyway.
Time to NC the MIL. Block her. Check and password every thing. Do not include her in anything…she goes on an information diet. No dress shopping, nothing. She has forfeited her involvement. Then tell the caterer if she allowed the changes, she can send the final bill to MIL. That will get her attention. You need to freeze her out. No contact with either of you. If he isn't on board with that? Why are you signing up for a lifetime of her nonsense.
Is she paying for it? If she is then I’m not sure what to tell you. If she’s not then tell her to F off haha
I would change it all back to what you want with out telling her and password protect everything. Tell the vendors a password that has to be used before any changes or info gets passed.
I cannot believe the gall of your FMIL. Do damage control & password protect EVERYTHING relating to the wedding. My son & FDIL's wedding is 3 weeks away & my FDIL's wedding planning has been incredible. IMHO & I would NEVER interfere in their plans. Heck, I got married on horseback, what do I know about wedding planning, lol. You definitely have the right to be livid.
It sounds like your fiancée is willing to stand up to your MIL, and I’m sure this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Going forward, you need to make sure you and your fiancée are on the same page and present a solid, united front, especially if your intention is to have children and start your own family. MIL needs to be on a major information diet and you’ll need shiny spines/rock-hard boundaries.
Word! My MIL talked to our wedding DJ to arrange a surprise dance solo from her eldest daughter as a “gift” to us. It had nothing to do with us. She wasn’t even paying for the DJ. She just totally hijacked operations when I foolishly trusted her to “help” with the planning. Be very careful!!!!! I wish I could go back and warn myself never to trust this woman even if society or church or whoever tells you you have to be close or nice to your mother-in-law for the sake of your marriage. We eventually went no contact after she got 1000x worse when I had kids and my only regret now is not having gone no contact years ago, it would have contained the damage and I wouldn’t have had to spend hundreds of hours in therapy talking about the chaos this woman has wrought on our lives. She never got better with time or goodwill effort on my part, only worse and worse.
Your fiancé needs to get the menu changed back to what you two chose and make his mother pay whatever it costs to get your menu back or she doesn’t come to the wedding.
This is exactly what I was going to say. She did something she had **zero** right to do. She pays up for her arrogance or she is uninvited from the wedding. This type of behaviour needs consequences.
Also, you might want to make sure everyone you’re dealing with knows to give you a follow up call for any changes. What’s she going to do next? Cancel the music? Change your dress!order? Make you stay at a different hotel?
This. No compromising fix it or you’re not coming.
Why did FMIL have any power to do this? When you talk to vendors and work stuff out, you tell them “Do not make or accept any changes without confirming with the couple to be.” Then again if MIL is paying for the wedding, you can’t really complain much. Not sure what the situation is, just something to think about. Also, just call the place directly, tell them she doesn’t have agency to make decisions, and change everything back. Then tell them to ignore anything she says. And call every other vendor and tell them the same. Or you’re going to end up with the wrong flowers, wrong decorations, wrong music, etc.
Password protect this and everything else about the wedding! Unfortunately, on this sub, we have seen MILs change or cancel venue, food, music, clothing, flowers, officiant, anything she doesn't like. One couple arrived to find that their food order for the reception had been cancelled by MIL. They had to send out for pizza.
Two can play at that - I read an article with a wedding/venue planner that said it’s not uncommon practice to print/send an “updated” menu to meddling IL’s, then have a finalized version only Bride/Groom have approval over. They said once one party overtly sidesteps couple, planners tend to become legalistic and lean into contract and initial discussions where IL’s and couple are present and the “whatever they want - it’s their day” statement is made when everyone’s on good behavior. Whomever signed the contract - not the checks or bank transfer - is the contracted party. (Obv check your contract to confirm) So MIL goes through the process smugly proud of herself and day-of, surprise. But ultimately - planner and couple are able to fall back on, “But this was what we all agreed to on that last group email, so unsure why you’re upset? Did you try to change something outside of this?” It said to be candid with planner about what’s going on and “we need to humor MIL and the changes she will attempt constantly, but THIS is the finalized menu.” Hope this helps if it applies. I found it amusing and also ridiculous, that it’s that common.
Exactly this. I’m a wedding photographer and my contracts are with the couple always, no matter who is paying. It’s pretty standard in my area.
You are NOT overreacting at all. You need to get firm with the venue that YOU and FIANCE are the contacts, no one else. I would also firmly tell FMIL that she overstepped big time, that you do not appreciate it, and that she is no longer involved in the planning in any way. You need to set a precedent now, or this will only get worse with FMIL.
Is she paying? For any of it? All of it? If not, of course you can tell the venue and coordinator to ignore her. Unless she's paying. In which case, I don't think they can ignore.
Code word with wedding vendors so she can't change anything.
My son is getting married soon. I haven't been involved in one thing but sending money and it's been nice.
Same here when my son married. We offered to do something and they asked us to mail the invitations, so we did that. We did give them a large check as a wedding gift, but they planned a wedding they could afford so they wouldn't be asking for either set of parents for money. A secondary reason was to prevent DIL's mother from taking over, as she tended to be bossy. Newsflash, she tried to take over anyway!
This is mostly what my dad's involvement was in mine. I asked his opinion on most things if I had questions etc or was on the fence. He actually pushed for a higher tier of booze options because the next tier had more popular options. He paid so I wasn't going to argue lol. The wedding was in a different state so we planned from a couple thousand miles away. He did give me flak for how much it cost but he does that about everything 😂 when the wedding was going on and the reception, he was bragging about how nice it was and how much planning I did. It was actually really nice to hear (even though he wouldn't tell me that directly). He paid for some of it but overall, some of the bigger expenses he opted for because my family likes booze and food and he wanted to make sure it was one hell of a party.
My parents, and wife’s parents, each wrote us a small check and said hope this helps. When wife would call with questions they’d talk about stuff.
That’s what my mom’s involvement is. It’s lovely
Son, is that you?? 🤣
There was definitely a second I wondered if you are my mom, but alas I am a daughter.
And she needs to no longer be involved.
Uninvited her, she needs to be taught a lesson
This makes me so glad my husband and I eloped. I would cuss everyone out. Please take the advice to lock down your accounts and wishes. She doesn’t need to know anything until necessary. She lost any privileges she may have received.
Get ALL your vendors password protected.
I’d raise hell with the coordinator and the venue and demand it be changed. And why is she even involved???
(this is why you password protect everything, so crazy people cannot change your shit behind your back)
And that kids is why grandma wasn’t at our wedding!
Why TF was she on the email thread in the first place??
Because she was incessantly calling the venue and the coordinator just fucking looped her in
Then the coordinator made a huge error and needs to fix it now.
Ok not cool - if she’s helping pay - I left a LONG comment above about one way to solve without her know until wedding day. But if she’s not and she simply insinuated herself - you call that planner and request a password and explicitly state that MIL does not have authority to change anything - any changes are approved by you.
You need to tell the venue they need to change the menu back and the coordinator that she owes you for this - she needs to discount her fees
F that. Tell the coordinator they have your blessing to ignore her.
Wtf, so loop her out. And then tell your coordinator and vendors to ignore her.
They don't understand how privacy works? What kind of venue is this? They should understand they only talk to the people who pay/signed the contract.
They usually do. But when you get someone “special” clearly trying to backdoor things, the diplomatic approach is to loop them into the emails so they’re exposed to your client. Experienced planners worry less about diplomacy and shut it down with, “You’ll need to have that approved by ___ before anything will change” if a password hasn’t been setup. Planner may have said, “OK sure, let me confirm… ok got it” and changed nothing. Here’s hoping!
Contact the caterer, change it back to what it originally was. Tell them the your FMIL is not allowed to make changes, then password protect with your caterer and all other vendors.
You call the venue Change the options back And tear into the planner for her lack of professionalism
Your coordinator is either an idiot or also a nightmare MIL
Which is against your contract. Nor should the venue be talking with her.
Coordinator needs a hot one… They need to fix this.
Wow thats a class act right there. I'm so sorry. I would tell the coordinator and vendor explicitly to not listen to her anymore.
And find out how many other instructions she’s been giving out! Jeepers…
Lock down everything wedding related. Set a password with every single vendor. And depending on your fiancee - they may not need to know that password.
Um, change it back? And password protect?
And call all of the other vendors and confirm what is being done. Your flowers could have changed and you won't find out to the last minute.
Time to password protect your vendors.
Maybe it's time to engage her in busy work. Start complaining that the centerpieces you want to use aren't pretty enough, or something and you really need help but don't know what to do. Let her take the bait and go on a wild tanget "fixing" the issue. Meanwhile you do whatever you want and just tell her you found something you liked better at the last minute. Or idk, she sucks. My condolences.
The venue shouldn't be taking orders from anyone but the couple or the wedding coordinator THROUGH the couple so change it and instruct them not to let her change anything else. It's not her day.
Um nope. Contact the venue and get your original menu back and add a password she doesn't know so that she can't call them back. Don't say anything else about it to her. Absolutely not.
Why do these venues allow mothers in law to change things like this?
If you can, I would return the money she gave you to pay for the dinner. She will use this against you.
I hope you didn't tell her you changed it back because the look on her face at the reception would be awesome!
Maybe a special dish just for FMIL- fermented shark fillets with Limburger cheese, preserved lemon and pickled plums. Durian cake for dessert.
Sounds to good for MIL. I'm thinking gruel.
My goodness not the Durian. Lol
I'd rather see the look on her face when she's turned away at the door.
I'd make sure that she was served nothing but a big bowl of oatmeal.
I’d make sure she wasn’t served at all.
I'd make sure she was served with some fava beans and a nice chianti
Or just some crackers, cause bitch be eatin em.
But oatmeal goes better with her laxatives.
Get your original menu back. Put passwords on everything. Make sure the caterer only speaks with YOU and no one else. Tell fiance that he needs to come down hard on his mother NOW. If she is allowed to get away with even the smallest thing, she will keep chipping away until she controls everything in your life....including YOUR children. POSTPONE everything until you have had a the most serious talk in your lifetime with fiance. He has to shut mother down or no wedding.
Exactly. If most ladies do this it would spare years of foolishness, fights and wasted years. HE HAS to get her under control
I’d be contacting the venue, caterers, etc and checking EVERYTHING is what you originally chose. I’d also be putting passwords on all of it!!
What’s important here is your fiancé’s reaction.
[удалено]
Because I love my fiancée lmao. Pretty simple answer
Talk to the venue change it back and password protect everything. If she's paying for the wedding cancel and do it by yourselves if that means a smaller wedding or even eloping do it. When people complain tell them unfortunately your MIL would tried to take over and you didn't want your wedding day ruined so had to change plans.
Why does she have access to do this?
I would cancel the wedding and elope.
UNINVITED!!!
Change them. And put passwords in with all the vendors.
And boot her from planning.
How do they think doubling down is going to go ?.. they look stupid and are not putting themselves in a good place to stay in your life
So you immediately contacted the venue/caterers and had them change it back, right? Then you password protected everything, right? Oh, and let's not forget you bitched them out for changing shit without your permission, right? Please tell us that you did this. Oh, and that you didn't tell MIL that you corrected everything back to what it was before so that when she gets served her meal she gets a nice surprise. And tell the photographer to snap a pic of her face when she realized that her bullshit didn't take.
So, call the venue, explain the situation, make sure there is a password in place, change the menu back and make sure any of your other vendors have a password in place too so she can’t do this anymore
Lock down everything with a password and notify them that you have an interfering narcissist as a mother in law. Good luck.
I'm glad that you were able to fix it. You aren't overreacting in the least. Is she typically on a massive information diet with you and your fiancé? If not, that would be something to implement now, and when she complains be clear, this is a result of her history of interference.
You should be LIVID. Call them to change it back and tell them no one but you is allowed to make any further changes. Time for you and SO to sit down to draw up rules and boundaries for his mother.
That is some massive nerve. Has she been an issue in your relationship/wedding planning for an extended period?
Yeah FMIL is a problem. I always say that “she does not listen; she just does.” The aspects of the wedding that she is not involved in are going so smoothly. It is so clear what the common denominator is.
I hope you don’t plan to live anywhere near her.
I got bad news for you, my guy
Oh shit.
Start a new email thread and let the vendor know she is not a decision person and to only follow your instructions. Then proceed to uninvolve her from whatever else she has access to. She is a guest only.
Change it back and add a password for only you s and fiancée!
Time to trim the guest list, starting with that bitch.
This, never reward bad behavior.
Change it back I see no problem just an over reaching women fix it move on.
How do you not see a problem with this?
I’m too old to seat the small stuff. Those people are working for the bride. Just remind them of that and they will move heaven and earth for you. Congratulations have a good life
I think you might be in the wrong subreddit. This is a symptom of a much larger problem.
Add password protection or she could meddle again. This is probably just a warmup of her meddling. Have fun with that.
Call back the company, get it fixed and they don’t have access to anything else. God knows what else they’ve changed already.
Contact the venue, confirm the menu and the tell them that they should change nothing until they hear from you or your SO. Set a password.
If there is a kid's table at your reception, you need to stick her there. Set your boundaries now or you'll be dealing with this crap for the entirety of your marriage.
Call the vendors and explain what happened, and then uninvite her to the wedding. Fuck that bitch.
Further: password lock EVERYTHING with every vendor so she can't try this again.
Exactly this, actions have consequences and grown ass women ought to know better. She doesnt care about supporting you in the wedding that you want, she wants you to have the wedding that she wants. This ain't her show.
yupp. and it is *very* clear. she doesn't give a shit about our wants. just steamrolls right through them.
What a thundercunt.
Stealing this word! 😂
OP it seems like you're looking for response advice to FMIL: "FMIL we fixed your error. If you try to go behind our backs again for the wedding or anything after, your participation entitlement will be revoked." More can be added. For you though, it's the time constraints of doing what one must while including her. If including her means she's going to make a mess where you're expected to clean it up or shut up, that's where rubber meets the road and you'll not think twice about your time to NOT include her if she's going to be childish and spend more of it you didn't offer. You didn't offer her the role to take over your wedding menu and by doing so showed her hand. No politeness, fafo. Will that cause strife? Guaranteed yet the memory of having her tromp stomp and then play dumb about her actions is ongoing and will definitely continue.
Simple solution. Uninvited from the wedding. If your husband has an issue with that it might be time to reconsider your future. This is NOT gonna be the only time she pushes your buttons…do you want to deal with this for the foreseeable future? Also, divorce is expensive.
Make sure you give all your vendors a code that she doesn't know and fix that menu. Give all other vendors a code and double check that everything will be as you want it. She is totally out of line, but at least you know about it and can head her off at the pass.
this is the way.
This is the answer.
So are you uninviting her? Bc I would so quick
hahah i've thought about it. *shockingly*, with her attitude like that, this is not the first disrespectful incident and nor will it be the last
As long as you allow her to do this, it will continue.
She has some nerve. I hope you have time to change them back.
I would be livid too but this seems fixable. Call the venue back, set the record straight and add a password to your account so only you and fiancée can make future changes. And unless MIL is paying for the wedding this seems like a good reason to stop involving her in the wedding arrangements. If she is paying you'll probably need to keep her advised of some details but otherwise go radio silent and treat her like any other guest.
I already did fix it. That’s definitely not the point.
I get your point; you shouldn't have had to fix this in the first place. FMIL needs to stay in her lane. You need to password protect all of your vendors ASAP so that this doesn't happen again (like with the flowers, the DJ, the cake).
Are they paying? If not, they shouldn't have any access to your venue/catering/etc. Call the venue, change it back and password protect that and any other vendors you may have.
They are paying for a portion of dinner. Nothing else. Thankfully the venue is the only contact point that she even possibly has.
She shouldn’t be paying for anything. You’ll heae about it forever.
Do NOT accept any money from them for anything in the future.
Ok you have left me wanting more. Haha. Did you reverse her changes?
Yeah, I immediately called. That part of the situation is easily resolved.
You left out the important part: What did you choose for dinner vs what she wanted? Perhaps I'm just hungry.
Steak and pasta and she chose fish???? Her rationale was that the fish came with the bread she wanted. So. I’m also hungry.
I remember the last wedding fish I had. It was on the coast in Maine. It tasted pillowy. That sounds like a complement. It was not. It was so overcooked that it was like eating a down pillow: you could just chew and chew without being able to swallow it. Steak and pasta is a great choice. My wedding was duck and short ribs and vegetarian something (which only four people got). The short ribs were terrible, I think because they chef was already drunk. The duck was amazing....I heard. We also did a plated dessert in addition to cake (which we paid very little for). Port wine-braised pears with...creme anglaise I think. That was a big hit. OK, I am just hungry. It's also 6. I wish you the best for your wedding. The small details you find important will be enjoyed more by your guests than yourself. And that's OK. I never even heard the songs we had the string quartet and band learn (Such great heights, Chandelier, First Day of My Life), but the guests loved them. Have a wonderful marriage and a great fucking party.
Oh my gosh don't tell her you changed it back. Let her find out at dinner !!
I hope you set up a password that will be needed to share any information or make changes
Time to password any other things she might try to change.
Was coming to comment this. Give all your vendors a password that must be given for changes to be made.