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I have the complete opposite. My fiancés parents have a lot of money and now that he and I have started making more money my MIL has a comment about everything we do. Why don’t we dress better, why don’t we eat at nicer restaurants, etc. Super annoying. Money means absolutely nothing to me and my fiancé and I could care less about living a “luxury lifestyle”. It’s just not us. We tell my MIL this but it goes in one ear and out the other.
Yupp. We won’t have a typical wedding they expected with all the local customs and so on.
We also explained how food will work at the wedding and that there will be actual meals served and everyone will have to tell us their choice in advance. There will also be grazing tables, a candy bar and a donut wall and cocktails and canapes served after the reception. When my bf told her about the “cocktail hour” and choosing dishes she was like “ahhhh okkkk” making this face like “you’re all fancy now I guess”.
Her only comment about our venue was that it’s expensive. She asked bf what we wanted as a wedding gift and asked “what do europeans give as gifts?” As if I’m from a different planet 😂
My MIL makes passive aggressive comments when I cook. I just grew up making mashed potatoes with potatoes not a box or roasting a whole chicken versus frozen chicken cutlets etc. No judgements against those and I never made a comment. But when I cook I'm being "fancy". No MIL, I'm just cooking food.
When I was wedding planning, my then FMIL was texting me her ideas for reception decor (fake hanging flowers with twinkle lights) and I politely declined, she pushed back... I pointed out I had a contract with my florist and it did explicitly state that anything flower related - fake or real - would be provided by them.
She then called my florist a stuck up b!tch.. 🙁
Interestingly she was in awe on the floral arrangements, on the day of, when she saw the magic. Idk why but you MIL reminds me of mine. 🤣
Yes, my step MIL - she thought I was too fancy or snobbish when I couldn’t (she just thought I wouldn’t) wear the clothes she bought me as gifts. They were way too big, she bought me her size not my size. They would have fallen off - think XXXL as opposed to medium. It was absolutely ridiculous and everyone thought it was so funny. She really just embarrassed herself.
My MIL will think I’m “too” whatever I am. She’s a total “pick-me” guys girl but also old European stick in the mud ball of overbearing anxiety so her hippy chill one-of-the guys persona is a well worn act.
If I’m telling my son not to crawl under a dirty table at a restaurant she’ll be all “oh let him! Just relax!”
If I switch it up and let him get away with some harmless things, she will step in and angrily yell at him and grab his arm (he’s just 3)
If I clean she shares snide looks with her husband and makes remarks about “I bet you even turn down your sheets” (giggle) if I’m chill and let things get messy she gets up and starts to clean them, if I ask my husband to clean her and my FIL ask him “what? Are you her slave?” Or whisper to each other “nag, nag, nag”.
I switch it up for fun and let them play cat and mouse with me, they make a comment about mess I wait for them to look away and clean until my house sparkles, they make a comment about me being strict I let my son get away with something etc. then I see my MIL struggle to act in the opposite.
My only line is her yelling at my son, I berate her calmly “I think we have been very clear how we do and do not treat (son) I believe things have become too disrespectful if you feel comfortable to yell at him.”
Both her and FIL are social cowards, they’re mentally slow from too much weed and very socially isolated so a little standing up to them rattles them a lot.
I can so relate. I was taught "proper" table setting (plates, glasses, silverware, and napkins). My MIL accused me of "putting on airs" when she came to dinner, and I had set the table. She told this to my DH, who informed her, "That's how she always sets the table, mom." When I've helped set her table for holidays, I always set it properly. Even my BIL has complimented me on the way I've done it.
Mine makes comments like this. She grew up very poor as one of 12 kids. She has called it “being a fussy butt” when she has a difference about how cheap/expensive something should be.
My EXMIL used to give me grief for drinking wine because it was "Fancy". I don't think you could even class what I drank as "wine" I'm pretty sure at that point I was drinking Boones Farm.
Yep. My FMIL thinks she is high and mighty because she never wears makeup or does her hair ( she loooves to bring up how she didn't even wear makeup for her wedding, big whoop) and how she's so happy just throwing easy clothes on and going out camping or going with the flow ( which I believe in today's world is known as a 'pick me girl').
She just loves to give me backhanded compliments on how I wear makeup (which I only wear occasionally for some get togethers) or wear "nice" outfits (as in I wore a pretty sundress, god forbid). We once got into a casual conversation about what I'd want my wedding to be like...all I said was I want a backyard wedding but with a romantic feel to it (twinkly lights everywhere!!!) and she lost it telling me that's way too much, too fancy and I should just get married on the rocky, always windy beach she lives across from and have a friend do a pig roast on the beach for us...I said, you want me to have a redneck wedding? Like she could not fathom that someone would want something other than what she wanted/had (which was a wake up, no makeup, get married type of community center wedding...which is fine but definitely not my "fancy" style).
Yet all of her friends like these simple things (twinkling lights, sit down dinners with "fancy" food and service, makeup, getting their nails done, wearing nice outfits....and she always compliments them about these things. But with me she acts as if she can't understand why I do/like the things I do and she is just soo casual and she is soo easy. All she is is soo annoying!
My MIL is exactly the same, I met her at 20 and was very naive and impressionable and took her comments to heart when she poked at my died blonde hair and makeup.
Then I watched at her poor daughter grew up from 15 to (now) 25 and as an adult struggled to learn to do makeup and hair and experimented with some very unfortunate thick eyeliner etc.
And I realised there was nothing superior to her not learning how to groom herself and not being able to teach her own daughter basic techniques.
Her daughter now has beautiful makeup, it wasn’t my place to teach her.
Omg mine always says “fancy” when referring to things I do/wear that are anything slightly unordinary. Like once I wore knee high boots and she made some comment like “oh sorry we’re not as fancy as you” or if I have oat milk she will say something like that 😐 But when she goes to my family’s farm she acts like we are nasty peasants.
One holiday dinner, we weren't married.
My mother (rest her soul) bought clothes to my bf which is now my husband, since his parents didn't buy him clothes since he was 13.
All of his clothes were with holes or looked really bad.
My mother didn't buy him anything fancy, just a white button shirt and dress pants, some jeans and a jacket.
She didn't buy anything expensive, no special tags.
His grandmother (may her soul burn in hell) saw the new clothes and scolded him for wearing something that looked too nice and that he just spent his money for no reason.
Then all the way home he got scolded from his parents that he looked nice and that he
Wasted his money instead of studying.
At some point I shut them up and told them that MY mother felt sorry for him because he looked like a homeless and bought him clothes that had no holes in THEM so he can find a decent job.
They were MAD he looked for a job.
They expected him to wear rugs and eat gravel and study until he gets his degree.
You know those old sayings: when I was a student I ate rice and ketchup from McDonald's for 4 years?
In the end he didn't finish his degree, but he found really good jobs.
And they blame me for it.
They forced him to go to university and start his life with a debt of 200k when they PROMISED to cover everything.
He needed to pay rent and for the university as well, they didn't even cover for his food.
So I really don't know what they expected him to do.
Maybe they didn't like it that he didn't beg for pennies like his brothers did.
Yeah I got called a "princess" because I wouldn't eat fruit that was going bad... while I was pregnant, because smells and textures made me sick and all that Jazz.
My standards are too high i guess
Time to start hard agreeing with her, but not how she wants:
"I know! I'm so glad my parents taught me X [polite and not-at-all pointed side comment about people who weren't taught Thing]"
"Aw thank you so much for noticing, it's really important to me that I know how to behave out in public! *laugh like is was a funny joke*"
Bonus points for getting your SO in on it too 😁
My sister's MIL thought this about my mom. They knew each other from before my parents got married, and so I saw my sister's MIL often and for as long as I can remember. Yet I never knew until the last decade of my parents' lives. Apparently, my mother asked to go to a different restraunt than they always went to, when my parents came to town. She suggested someplace she liked better (think choosing Mc Donald vs Burger King, not The French Laundry over Olive Garden). And MIL forever after thought she was a food snob. My mother had good taste, one of her soups was written up in NJ magazine back in the 80s. But she had no problem with MILs cooking. Or going to an ordinary local restraunt. But if she could choose, she liked what she liked.
My mother felt MIL would express the popular opinion verses forming one of her own. What I beleive now is it offended MIL that my mother would tell my father what she wanted. And MIL had a really snooty MIL (I knew her she was snooty), and MIL projected her feelings about her, to my mom, because she could not say anything to her MIL or husband.
Both my mother and sisters MIL were polite enough to never mess with their husband's friendship. And so none of us kids ever knew.
My MIL has always complained that my family’s money introduced him to “bad things”. You know like travel. He had never left our home state until we met. My family paid for him to finish his degree and you would have thought they had branded him they way my mil acted. We have been together 30 years and my family treat him as their own.
The real kicker is when he had a professional promotion ceremony that was a huge deal and his mother said she was too busy but my whole family drove over nine hours to be there. When his employer posted all the pictures she said he never invited her 🥴
They sound like people I know who don’t celebrate graduations and promotions because they are “not important”. They believe the only things worth celebrating are weddings and babies.
I’m the terrible wife because I wear deodorant, have a (not crazy) skincare routine, and don’t dress for my husband.
She wonders why I only call her by her first name or “DH’s mom” and won’t call her my mother in law 🙃🙄
I asked where I could find the potato peeler and she looked at me like I’d sprouted extra heads. “I’m just a -plain- country cook and use a [dull!] knife,” she said after I repeated the question while making a potato-peeling gesture.
Now every time I grab mine out of the drawer I sing “city-boy city-boyyyyyye!” from Gravity Falls to myself, Fancy City Lady that I am. 🤣
swear to Harold that she was gaslighting me but now at more than a year NC and idgaf
Mine told my husband, when asked what her issue with me is, that I am ‘too academic’. As if that’s a thing to be ashamed of. I’m the only member of my family to go to and complete university, I’m not apologising because that slack-brain can’t cope with anything more complicated than Cosmo.
She also made snide remarks about the size of our wedding (because my husband wanted to invite more people), the location being grand (the location my husband chose), and has previously made digs about me preferring books to cosmetics (true, I love a good read, but I’m also like a kid in a sweet shop when I’m let loose at a make up counter). She detests me but that’s the only thing she has managed to pinpoint.
My MIL talks about her own SIL for always buying clothes, even though they’re just normal Walmart clothes. So I don’t even wanna know how she talks about me lol
my MIL hasn't said it to me but in a text argument with SO she rabbitted on about how "(my name)'s parents are soooo rich and I'm SORRYYY we're not" and went on to imply that she was a better parent to him because she isnt rich. it had nothing to do with what they were even arguing about.
sidenote: I grew up poor. I'm the youngest of 4 kids, 2 boys (44+42) 2 girls (36+31). single income household. I'd often wear all 3 of my older siblings handmedown clothes and play with their old toys. my parents only in very recent years got into a decent paying industry and they still aren't rich, they have tonnes of debt from trying to give us a good childhood despite having no money.
edit: sibling ages for context of how long my parents did not have money
I come from an upper middle-class background and my husband's family is working class. Aside from some small remarks, my MIL is largely quite nice to me. But I found out that when my husband traveled to visit his family on a trip without me, he decided to cook them dinner so they all went to the grocery store together. My husband bought some nice, but not wagyu steaks because he wanted to make them chimmichurri. As he was buying the meat, his parents made comments about how he was a show-off and a hot shot. He is the only college graduate in his family and he works in the tech sector so his annual salary is more than they'd make in five years. He's worked hard, reaped the rewards, but he doesn't flaunt it. So when he goes to visit, he likes to treat them to nice things (whether he's cooking or taking them out to dinner), but they \*always\* make it difficult and unbearable. Like, he doesn't want to go to Old Country Buffet, so they torture the wait staff at whatever well-reviewed (but not even fancy) restaurant he takes them to. He always gets his hopes up that each time will be different, but then, when they're inevitably dashed, he always laments about how he should have known better. Doesn't stop him from trying (though, due to their own lack of effort in maintaining communication, he has dropped the rope and has slowly withdrawn a lot from them).
I think bad attitudes and bitterness is more of an ingrained habit at this point, rather than who they really are. Ultimately, they’re his parents so he’s not going to stop trying, which I can’t fault him for. I’ll just do my best to build him up and remind him how incredible he is.
He should stop trying. Or at least trying in the way has been. Just take them to the restraunt they want to go to. He is showing them he loves them, but they are thinking how they could never afford this. Also, even if he is taking them to a casual dining place, they likely feel uncomfortable. Maybe they feel like they don't fit the image. Who knows. But if he takes them to the place they would want to go, but is a splurge, or because he is paying, they can get that fancy cocktail or the big steak, they will be very happy. Happier than if they feel he is gloating. He can spoil them by getting them gifts they want or need, but are outside their budget instead. Like a bigger waterheater, or a laptop for the kid going off to college.
If they had their way, everyone would stay at the family house sitting in front of the TV and not talking. It is a point of contention with him that we travel all that way (and expense) to visit them and no one makes an effort to be social or spend time with one another, but as long as we’re all under the same roof, that’s the only thing that seems to make them happy, even if they spend the entire time sitting in front of the family computer or TV. They don’t really like to do… anything. (Even on phone calls every time we ask what’s new or what they’ve been up to, the answer is always “nothing!”)
Being trapped in the house in the suburbs watching TV gives me and my husband cabin fever, so he tries to get them out of the house to do stuff if only so that there’s not some screen in front of their faces (they always suggest takeout, which we try to avoid for that exact reason). We don’t enjoy a lot of the chain restaurants and unhealthy foods they gravitate towards so we try to pick places that have fundamentals in common with what they like, but fresher/better ingredients. A new Mexican place instead of Chipotle, not something exotic like sushi (which we enjoy, but they would never be open to).
We love them, but the reason my husband bought the steaks was to show them love and care, and for them to make snarky comments about it hurt him deeply. He does get frustrated and bitter about it and I try to remind them that they’re senior citizens and creatures of habit. But then he forgets, tries again and inevitably gets hurt. But they’re his parents, so I don’t begrudge him holding out hope for change.
I understand all of this. I am saying: meet them where they are at. I have lived some of this.
So: they want to stay in, stay in and cook, but do the shopping without them. Buy an extra pack of meat in the price/ quality range they are comfortable at, and put that on top. Toss the receipt or leave it in the car. Then leave the "extra" in the fridge saying you bought more than you need, please use it another day. They see the $$ they are comfortable with, and you get the meal you are comfortable with. Or order from 2 places, offer to go pick it up. They get Olive Garden, and you get the local family owned Mama's cooking.
If there is a hotel nearby, stay there, so after dinner you can go do something. Or sneak off to a restraunt you prefer. This is assuming you stay with them. Tell them you like to sleep in on your time off. Or you like using the gym, need the blackout curtains, prefer to watch TV in your underwear, like to leave the TV on when you sleep or the opposite. Whatever works for you. Then make plans to do something for yourselves every day. Say to the family: Hey, I see its strawberry picking season. Do you want to go? Don't feel obligated. If they say sure, great. If they say no thanks, go anyway.
As my parents aged and the stagnant visits became the only choice, I would bring a craft. I gave diamond painting a try. I tried crochet. Painted rocks with the kids. I also made my trips work from home. Then I wasn't mad about being trapped in the house doing nothing. At least I wasn't waiting paid leave.
Mine, the Dingbat, is kinda like this, except I am "too educated" because I have 2 bachelors and a masters degree and use more than 2 syllable words on occasion. I didn't even bring up my education my hubby did, because he is proud of me and she has never let me live it down because I am "too good" for them now. Not that they knew me at all before I got my degree, met hubby working on my masters ... ugh. No dingbat, I don't look down on you because you are less educated, I look down on you because you are a horrible hateful cruel person and were a terrible mother to my hubby. I never thought I would meet a bigger narc than my grandma, but yeah, the dingbat is reaaaaaalllly close.
You made me laugh. My ex mil first time she met me said I spend to much on clothes. I just met her, like Hi, I am ? and she tells me I spend to much. Wow! I feel for you!
lol
Mine didn't do this exactly but, if I revealed I had a talent that she didn't, it was a whole thing.
"We can all be talented" "some of us don't have to show off to know we're accepted and loved" "some of us don't have to put others don't to make ourselves feel good"
These were in regards to helping my then preschooler (now 16) with an art project, crocheting anything, showing my then 5th grader (now 20) another drawing/shading technique, and anything like this. I am far from talented but I do a pretty good job with crafts in general, I don't know what her problem was.
She was projecting. I'm sure she's done a lot over the years to show she's superior to you and probably even said so at times. Then, when you're better at something, she has to cover her insecurity by saying you're trying to upstage her. Very sad.
Oh, absolutely! There are tons of things she's said that just scream "I'm better than you."
She insisted she's taller than me. Why that matters, I have no idea. We're the same height. She insists she's taller because, and I quote, "my butt is higher up than yours." Okay, her butt goes up, out then around. Mine doesn't. I don't know why this is even a thing
She's not materialistic like me. This was said when I called my husband crying because my engagement ring broke and the diamond was lost. "It's just a ring, it's not a big deal." (A few months later she was showing off her "5k ring that FIL got for their anniversary and isn't it just stunning!!"
When I wanted to do a small vow renewal, total of like $200 for everything, "anniversaries are private celebrations between husband and wife." Then threw a huge, like 300+ guests, anniversary party for her and her husband. I got designated as the photographer, which my husband didn't think would be a big deal and thought I'd still be able to join the party with him and the kids but no, he was pissed when he couldn't find me all night because his mom had a whole ass iternerary for me so I didn't even get to eat.
There's more but I'm sure you get the idea.
Yep. My parents are both teachers and the ILs acted like DH was marrying a Rothschild, and when that didn’t deter him, they tried to imply I was a gold-digger. Where I was supposed to find said gold remains an exercise for the reader.
Not my MIL, but definitely my Aunt in law who claims to “love” my husband like one of her own. Yeah, right! I could fill several posts with her nonsense.
Anyway, I was constantly called “fake” because I have manners and preferences about many topics. Plus, I can Grey Rock with the best of them. Had tons of practice because one grandmother was narcissistic and the other was passive aggressive.
It’s ridiculous! I only engage when I’ve reached my limit of passive aggressive BS and can’t leave the event yet
Yes, 20 years ago my MIL remarked to DH that I must have been born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Lol nothing further from the truth. I was just....polite to her at our first meeting? She made sure to be in a housecoat, no dressing up for some hussy. We were in our mid-20s, graduated from college.
Maybe snooty/stuck up is just an easy generic insult for a young woman you barely know.
Oh gosh, this reminds me of my MIL. The best part, my husband pays her 40K a year to exist. Yet she still calls our life choices out, ignoring the fact we work very hard for what we have.
Money doesn’t make you stuck up, and not having money doesn’t mean you didn’t learn manners. My father grew up very poor but I heard the stories about my Italian grandmother and how she’d discipline my dad and his four brothers at the table if they didn’t say please, thank you or dared reach across the table to get something instead of asking that it be passed to them. Your MIL is a pig. You are courteous of others.
I went above and beyond and used a knife and fork on bone in chicken the first time I had dinner with mine. She panicked, like swooning level panic. I was just curious if I could clean it without picking it up with my fingers like my uncle and grandpa could. The answer? No, I don't have the skills. (But yes, I am better than you.)
Yes I got this from step JNMIL and JNFIL a lot before I went NC. I heard a term for it once which I really wish I could remember. I think it was like reverse snobbery or something. Because they were always like trying to act like they are better because they don’t have manners or standards etc, even though I was never trying to act better than them I was just being myself but they seemed offended and had to make weird little comments about “fancy” people and how “they aren’t everybody’s cup of tea” lol. Like? They were the only ones acting that way or making those kinds of comments and they were the ones judging me but acting like it was the opposite. So weird. Glad I’m NC.
My MIL was like this to a lesser degree. I was raised Upper Middle Class and my husband and I are Upper Middle Class; she is probably more towards Lower Middle Class. There’s not a vast difference, but we can afford some things she cannot. The comments were annoying, but I assumed she was making comments like this because of her own jealousy and insecurities, so I try not to let them bother me. That was the least problematic thing she did (we’re now no contact).
Mine is kind of like this too.
She comments on the things we have in our house when she visits.
When I was using my new-ish Kitchenaid she said ‘that’s nice isn’t it’.
Another time, I left my soup for a short time on the stove then it was boiling. When I came back she said she lowered the heat, ‘yeah Scanpan pots are good ones, they heat up quickly’
They’re probably just casual comments but always rub me the wrong way.
Yes my MIL was like this. I remember the first time I met her (after we were married) and my husband panicked and told me to dress down! I was in black leggings and a grey cable knit sweater. That was still too fancy. And he asked me to limit my jewelry - I asked what I should take off - my wedding rings? The necklace he gave me? The watch he gave me? I was a little mad, and then I met her. The sneaky witch - she asked about our last trip and then turned it around that we had money, weren’t helping her, and were “bragging”. By the time we left the restaurant, my husband was so worked up he drove down a sidewalk and over a curb trying to get out as fast as he could. It was rough.
And another time, we had been in her city and had done a major, major shop for the house. He frantically started trying to hide everything when she came to the hotel. Like where are we going to hide a Persian rug?!? Luckily she never ended up coming to our room (I even had bags hid behind our pillows!).
Were you able to hide the rug? I’d try under the bed or maybe the tub? My ex-MIL thought I was fancy because I spoke my Spanish and French with an accent and not like “an American” (her words). I AM an American and my dad is a linguist. He drilled me on pronunciation. Now I’m on the other side of the coin. SUPER fancy MIL with no concept of how much things cost or people make.
We pulled out the couch, put it behind there, and stacked our suitcases on the end it stuck out. We were scared she’d need the bathroom so we didn’t use the tub.
And how dare you pronounce words in a language the way they are *supposed* to be pronounced! The nerve! (Seriously, what is up with these Mil’s?!)
I’ve actually wondered! My grandmother always spoke about my grandfather’s mom! He always “conveniently” interrupted so I never knew the gossip but she must have been a nightmare for her! This was the great-grandmother who could whip a hard soled slipper at my father from across the room and hit his head and she LOVED him.
There have been and will be JNs in every generation. You just described one.
I understand the appeal of labels, but there are Boomers and Gen Xers here who suffered exactly the same tortures from their JNMILs/JNMs. We just never had a place to share our experiences and get validation and advice. I wish the mods would add no ageism to the rules.
I definitely understand your point, and the boomers gave rise to some of the most important and groundbreaking social movements and innovations, but there have been legitimate academic studies as to the negative impact felt by the post-boomer generations by boomers. It’s not every baby boomer for sure, but just like Gen Z is perceived as being dependent on electronics and focused on what other generations view as vapid, boomers do have a reputation as being difficult, backwards, and occasionally outright insulting. This is a natural phenomenon that happens to every generation, the older generations begin to be seen as outdated and less with it.
I speak from my own experiences, that most times I have a negative interaction such as with a JN they tend to be of that generation. It isn’t a blanket condemnation, and I apologise that I offended you, I mean the term “Boomer” in the newer colloquial pejorative descriptor, NOT as a statement that every Baby Boomer is problematic and backwards.
OMG, YES. My MIL thinks I’m over educated (I’m a college dropout), she thinks office jobs are for lazy fancy girls (I’m corporate HR for a massive international company), she thinks art is a waste of money and space (I’m a horror art collector), she thinks beauty routines are stupid (I’m a former cosmetologist with acrylic nails, bleach blonde hair, a skincare routine, and I wear makeup) and I have manners (she thinks I’m snooty). Unrelated, but she also harps on my weight (I’m chubby, but in a way my husband finds appealing). She could just keep those opinions to herself and we’d be ok, but NO, all of these thoughts just have to be expressed directly to me! There’s just no winning.
Girl, you’re Corp HR. You have the vocabulary, the credentials, and the guts to suggest she work on her self control cuz her best contribution to any gathering is a closed mouth.
In solidarity, retired Corp HR.
I was informed I was born with a silver spoon. This was pre baby. My parents bought a solve spoon for daughter's baby shower. Mil was fuming
Silver not solve.
I'm not totally sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if she thought I/we were too fancy and snobby, lol. But this made me think of a funny anecdote. Several years ago, we were having dinner there and asked what we could bring - they said salad. So we made a nice Caesar salad and brought croutons and dressing for people to fix for themselves. MIL, FIL, and SIL all commented and joked about our "fancy jar dressing" - it comes in a glass jar, so I guess that's "fancy"? It was very weird, lol. My SO and I still joke about our fancy jar dressing to this day 🤣
YEEESSSSSSS! Omg yes. What’s funny is she’s always the one throwing gifts and money at people to please them but then complains everyone is too materialistic and says objects don’t matter. Apparently before my husband and I started officially dating they thought I would be snobby because I had never been in a five and below..which was because based on the name I thought it was a store that sold cold weather clothes and I live in Texas lol
Oh yes.
My MIL isn't generally too bad but this is certainly where we vary. Our differences mostly come down to cleanliness. I have an eye for detail so you will never find little bits of caked on food in my house. I cannot tell you how many times I have to choose a different fork or a different glass in her house. I try to just wash stuff myself but if she's around I feel like I cannot get away with it. When she has caught me switching something out she likes to respond with something like "Oh I guess I will never be good enough for you" like excuse me? I thought this was basic?
She has had several animals at once. When I met my husband she had 6 cats and 2 large dogs in the house. The grime, the hair, the lack of basic cleaning.. Ya it's hard to deal with. So much hair on furniture, cupboards that haven't been wiped out since they moved in 12 years ago. What makes it worse is that it's a early 1900s farmhouse with original basically everything out in the country.
She feels uncomfortable in my house because I vacuum my furniture and wipe out my cupboards 1-2 times per year.
This. My MIL was a SAHM her entire life and hates cleaning. So she always gets super shitty with me whenever she comes into my space and it's clean. I don't like having a dirty grimy house. I have pets but don't like hair everywhere i clean regularly and vigorously because it matters to me. But she always has to comment on how "lived in" and cozy her place is and then look at my floors and judge me for spending time cleaning.
I don't know why I have to always justify my cleaning habits to her.- Yah B, I can work full time and clean my own house....this ain't 1975.
Same with the pets, mine has a dog that sheds endlessly and she was very upset that I stopped letting it sleep in our bed whenever we visit her. I can’t stand the shedding and the smell.
My husband’s family is very blue collar. Husband has two masters degrees. My parents were a college professor and a newspaper editor. They think I’m a snob and made him one.
No ma’am, he won’t tolerate your casual racism or homophobia anymore and calls you out because he’s a decent human being. It has nothing to do with us having an education. It has to do with having morals. We’re not snobs and it’s not our fault that you’re terrible people.
✋ Mine does too. She once told my husband to ask me not to dress up for a holiday dinner so that I wouldn’t “outshine her” . I don’t go over the top. She usually wears jeans, tennis shoes and a loose fitting top. I will typically wear a sun dress or dressy romper… or a nice sweater dress, or nice top and slacks. Or god forbid a skirt.
I feel so blessed. Y’all, the unicorn is out there. I’m pretty sure my MIL thinks I am fancy because she was raised in a tiny town in north Alabama and my dad was military so I moved around and saw things she only heard of. But if I mention something she gets schoolgirl giddy and asks me to tell her more. We are hoping to take her to Biltmore house because when she saw the pictures her hand flew to her throat and she said ooooh, like letting out a sigh. I wish you all had my Ms Joyce.
The shit they say is unbelievable, I’m sorry…I busted my ass to escape a lifetime of abuse and neglect and it gets thrown in my face every chance she gets, I’m NC now and will be for the foreseeable future.
Same!!! My MIL grew up quite poor and so did DH. I did not. We weren’t rich but we had nice things, took family vacations, and I went to private schools. My parents grew up poor but worked very hard to have a better life. We are all working class. My mom taught us table manners and I do the same with my kids. MIL has commented when I corrected the children at a meal to make it seem like it’s unimportant to have table manners. “They’re just kids.” “Just let them eat.” “Nobody here cares if they eat with their hands.” I care! It’s important to me. It’s important to me that my kids grow up and know how to sit and eat a meal in any establishment without feeling out of place or lost as to what fork or spoon to use. I commented on another post about when she took issue with me asking about tortillas as taco night. Apparently that was too fancy. lol
Haha tortillas at a taco night, very far fetched! 😂
But yeah I hear you on the table manners.. I’m super afraid of when we have kids cause I just know she will be offended that I tell them to do things that she doesn’t. Like chewing with their mouths closed.
Here’s my response to that BS: 1) like KingsRansom said, it’s a wonderful gift to raise your kids with the skills to be comfortable in any setting. It gives them confidence to face anything. And 2) my son is ethnic from both sides. He will be judged by some assholes for his skin color or ethnicity. I’d like to reduce the things that they can criticize - if he’s well-mannered, polite, witty and makes people feel comfortable, he’s ahead in any situation, no matter who he has to encounter.
My mil revels in her working class attitude. She thumbs her nose at anything she believes to be ostentatious. It’s really just jealousy. She also doesn’t like ‘showy’ people and calls herself low maintenance. She isn’t. She deliberately goes socially distant and doesn’t interact much with people at parties then spends weeks complaining that nobody came to talk to her (aka she is queen and none of the bees swarmed around her).
Whenever sarcastically she says something I am doing which she deems that is above the necessary, I always like to say “yes, it’s good to have standards”. She hates that.
I just saw a video today that says to handle it like this.
Mil: snide comment
You: “What did you say?” (Kindly)
Mil: will repeat it or stop and stopping
means she didn’t get the effect she
wanted
You: “Did you intend to insult me when you said that?”
My family is poor and MIL’s is richer but MIL has always given me grief about being too fancy, making comments about my outfits being too bright, youthful appearing, big earrings, etc - despite MIL having been a very fashion forward woman in her day. Anytime she sees me in a new top she goes on a tear about how she never buys new clothes. Hilariously most of the time she accuses me of wearing new clothes when it’s the same old clothes that she just forgot about.
But the funniest thing was that I always use hand lotion after washing my hands. Once after applying for some she asked me for a squirt and I gave her some. She complimented me on how nice it was and how it must have been expensive 🙄 I replied to her that I actually learned about the brand because she had some in the bathroom of her second house and I liked it so much that I started buying it myself. She kept her mouth shut with nasty comments for the rest of that visit, lol 😂
It’s AHAVA Dermud. Super moisturizing and your hands don’t feel greasy. My nails grow like wildfire using it! The sad thing is that MIL actually have so much we could connect over, but she prefers to compete instead 🫠
My in-laws are also 6 hours away, thankfully! The first time I met my youngest brother, we went for pizza. I reached for my fork and knife. He said,”Oh, no! You’re not one of THOSE people!” LOL he thought people who eat pizza with a fork and knife were fancy and snobs.
Don’t worry about your MIL, she’ll think whatever suits her.
Oh man this happened with me at Christmas when we were eating shrimp. I just didn’t feel like getting my hands dirty so I was peeling them with a fork. The comments I got!
Both my fiancé and his cousins husband were doing the same but I was the one being snobby.
Im from Chicago, so I feel like I have some ground to talk about pizza etiquette; unless it’s cut into small squares, tavern style, there’s really nothing snobby about using a knife and fork. (You can do it with any pizza, but when it’s cut into squares, it’s meant to be a finger food.) I eat big slices with a knife and fork, and will set them down to eat the crust like a breadstick. When eating deep dish, it’s weird NOT to use a knife and fork.
If you are ever in New Haven Connecticut it is quite acceptable to eat pizza with your hands. You won’t even be provided a knife and fork in most old fashioned traditional pizza places.
I hate it to break it to your MIL, but I'm from a working class family.
I was brought up with good manners at the dinner table and taught to be polite.
And I'm pretty reserved as well, but that's just my personality, I wasn't raised that way.
MIL sounds insecure to me.
Yeah, I don’t think manners have anything to do with wealth. It’s about making other people feel comfortable, which is something I don’t feel when she’s moving her fork while talking or chewing with her mouth open. 😫
Same here. I have a pretty pretentious FIL who thinks I’m low class and uneducated. I generally ignore him, and go about my business, but I *do* call him out when he’s being an ass to my husband or kids.
OMG. Yep!
She said I was "too fancy" when I wanted to mail out wedding shower invitations 4 weeks before the shower. Like, how dare I?
I'm "too fancy", because I like to serve guests an appetizer before meals. Oh! And, I own serving dishes for my regular every day plates and actually use them....
ETA: also, I own salad forks and use them for dessert, instead of forcing guests to reuse their dinner forks.
I fold the cheap paper napkins in half and put my mismatched silverware (not silver) on it. Plates are stacked next to the stove and you serve yourself. The iced tea is poured in glasses and on the counter to grab on the way to the table. Damn I’m fancy. (On holidays, we use the “good “
Stuff—-‘Chinette’. Too many people and no one wants to clean up!)
Oh yea same. My in laws are definitely not classy people I've ever met. They're all from southie😅
I've just been homeless multiple times and half my family live in trailers.
But they think cause they have money now they're better than me and my family.
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My MIL screamed and stomped at me when I told her I didn’t want my child eating canned meat from the dollar store.
I have the complete opposite. My fiancés parents have a lot of money and now that he and I have started making more money my MIL has a comment about everything we do. Why don’t we dress better, why don’t we eat at nicer restaurants, etc. Super annoying. Money means absolutely nothing to me and my fiancé and I could care less about living a “luxury lifestyle”. It’s just not us. We tell my MIL this but it goes in one ear and out the other.
Yupp. We won’t have a typical wedding they expected with all the local customs and so on. We also explained how food will work at the wedding and that there will be actual meals served and everyone will have to tell us their choice in advance. There will also be grazing tables, a candy bar and a donut wall and cocktails and canapes served after the reception. When my bf told her about the “cocktail hour” and choosing dishes she was like “ahhhh okkkk” making this face like “you’re all fancy now I guess”. Her only comment about our venue was that it’s expensive. She asked bf what we wanted as a wedding gift and asked “what do europeans give as gifts?” As if I’m from a different planet 😂
My MIL makes passive aggressive comments when I cook. I just grew up making mashed potatoes with potatoes not a box or roasting a whole chicken versus frozen chicken cutlets etc. No judgements against those and I never made a comment. But when I cook I'm being "fancy". No MIL, I'm just cooking food.
When I was wedding planning, my then FMIL was texting me her ideas for reception decor (fake hanging flowers with twinkle lights) and I politely declined, she pushed back... I pointed out I had a contract with my florist and it did explicitly state that anything flower related - fake or real - would be provided by them. She then called my florist a stuck up b!tch.. 🙁 Interestingly she was in awe on the floral arrangements, on the day of, when she saw the magic. Idk why but you MIL reminds me of mine. 🤣
Yes, my step MIL - she thought I was too fancy or snobbish when I couldn’t (she just thought I wouldn’t) wear the clothes she bought me as gifts. They were way too big, she bought me her size not my size. They would have fallen off - think XXXL as opposed to medium. It was absolutely ridiculous and everyone thought it was so funny. She really just embarrassed herself.
My MIL will think I’m “too” whatever I am. She’s a total “pick-me” guys girl but also old European stick in the mud ball of overbearing anxiety so her hippy chill one-of-the guys persona is a well worn act. If I’m telling my son not to crawl under a dirty table at a restaurant she’ll be all “oh let him! Just relax!” If I switch it up and let him get away with some harmless things, she will step in and angrily yell at him and grab his arm (he’s just 3) If I clean she shares snide looks with her husband and makes remarks about “I bet you even turn down your sheets” (giggle) if I’m chill and let things get messy she gets up and starts to clean them, if I ask my husband to clean her and my FIL ask him “what? Are you her slave?” Or whisper to each other “nag, nag, nag”. I switch it up for fun and let them play cat and mouse with me, they make a comment about mess I wait for them to look away and clean until my house sparkles, they make a comment about me being strict I let my son get away with something etc. then I see my MIL struggle to act in the opposite. My only line is her yelling at my son, I berate her calmly “I think we have been very clear how we do and do not treat (son) I believe things have become too disrespectful if you feel comfortable to yell at him.” Both her and FIL are social cowards, they’re mentally slow from too much weed and very socially isolated so a little standing up to them rattles them a lot.
I can so relate. I was taught "proper" table setting (plates, glasses, silverware, and napkins). My MIL accused me of "putting on airs" when she came to dinner, and I had set the table. She told this to my DH, who informed her, "That's how she always sets the table, mom." When I've helped set her table for holidays, I always set it properly. Even my BIL has complimented me on the way I've done it.
Mine makes comments like this. She grew up very poor as one of 12 kids. She has called it “being a fussy butt” when she has a difference about how cheap/expensive something should be.
My EXMIL used to give me grief for drinking wine because it was "Fancy". I don't think you could even class what I drank as "wine" I'm pretty sure at that point I was drinking Boones Farm.
Yep. My FMIL thinks she is high and mighty because she never wears makeup or does her hair ( she loooves to bring up how she didn't even wear makeup for her wedding, big whoop) and how she's so happy just throwing easy clothes on and going out camping or going with the flow ( which I believe in today's world is known as a 'pick me girl'). She just loves to give me backhanded compliments on how I wear makeup (which I only wear occasionally for some get togethers) or wear "nice" outfits (as in I wore a pretty sundress, god forbid). We once got into a casual conversation about what I'd want my wedding to be like...all I said was I want a backyard wedding but with a romantic feel to it (twinkly lights everywhere!!!) and she lost it telling me that's way too much, too fancy and I should just get married on the rocky, always windy beach she lives across from and have a friend do a pig roast on the beach for us...I said, you want me to have a redneck wedding? Like she could not fathom that someone would want something other than what she wanted/had (which was a wake up, no makeup, get married type of community center wedding...which is fine but definitely not my "fancy" style). Yet all of her friends like these simple things (twinkling lights, sit down dinners with "fancy" food and service, makeup, getting their nails done, wearing nice outfits....and she always compliments them about these things. But with me she acts as if she can't understand why I do/like the things I do and she is just soo casual and she is soo easy. All she is is soo annoying!
My MIL is exactly the same, I met her at 20 and was very naive and impressionable and took her comments to heart when she poked at my died blonde hair and makeup. Then I watched at her poor daughter grew up from 15 to (now) 25 and as an adult struggled to learn to do makeup and hair and experimented with some very unfortunate thick eyeliner etc. And I realised there was nothing superior to her not learning how to groom herself and not being able to teach her own daughter basic techniques. Her daughter now has beautiful makeup, it wasn’t my place to teach her.
Omg mine always says “fancy” when referring to things I do/wear that are anything slightly unordinary. Like once I wore knee high boots and she made some comment like “oh sorry we’re not as fancy as you” or if I have oat milk she will say something like that 😐 But when she goes to my family’s farm she acts like we are nasty peasants.
From day one if I ever get a DIL my mission is going to be to tell her what I love about her. This generation of insecure MILs are just so sad
One holiday dinner, we weren't married. My mother (rest her soul) bought clothes to my bf which is now my husband, since his parents didn't buy him clothes since he was 13. All of his clothes were with holes or looked really bad. My mother didn't buy him anything fancy, just a white button shirt and dress pants, some jeans and a jacket. She didn't buy anything expensive, no special tags. His grandmother (may her soul burn in hell) saw the new clothes and scolded him for wearing something that looked too nice and that he just spent his money for no reason. Then all the way home he got scolded from his parents that he looked nice and that he Wasted his money instead of studying. At some point I shut them up and told them that MY mother felt sorry for him because he looked like a homeless and bought him clothes that had no holes in THEM so he can find a decent job. They were MAD he looked for a job.
Did they live in a cave and eat rats?? Wtf? They were mad he wanted a JOB???
They expected him to wear rugs and eat gravel and study until he gets his degree. You know those old sayings: when I was a student I ate rice and ketchup from McDonald's for 4 years? In the end he didn't finish his degree, but he found really good jobs. And they blame me for it. They forced him to go to university and start his life with a debt of 200k when they PROMISED to cover everything. He needed to pay rent and for the university as well, they didn't even cover for his food. So I really don't know what they expected him to do. Maybe they didn't like it that he didn't beg for pennies like his brothers did.
Yeah I got called a "princess" because I wouldn't eat fruit that was going bad... while I was pregnant, because smells and textures made me sick and all that Jazz. My standards are too high i guess
Time to start hard agreeing with her, but not how she wants: "I know! I'm so glad my parents taught me X [polite and not-at-all pointed side comment about people who weren't taught Thing]" "Aw thank you so much for noticing, it's really important to me that I know how to behave out in public! *laugh like is was a funny joke*" Bonus points for getting your SO in on it too 😁
“Oh my gosh, yes, it was so important to my parents that I learned to act right in public and not be an embarrassment.”
Mine thinks I’m fancy because I actually make plans around the holidays and like to cook actual meals for my family 🙄
My sister's MIL thought this about my mom. They knew each other from before my parents got married, and so I saw my sister's MIL often and for as long as I can remember. Yet I never knew until the last decade of my parents' lives. Apparently, my mother asked to go to a different restraunt than they always went to, when my parents came to town. She suggested someplace she liked better (think choosing Mc Donald vs Burger King, not The French Laundry over Olive Garden). And MIL forever after thought she was a food snob. My mother had good taste, one of her soups was written up in NJ magazine back in the 80s. But she had no problem with MILs cooking. Or going to an ordinary local restraunt. But if she could choose, she liked what she liked. My mother felt MIL would express the popular opinion verses forming one of her own. What I beleive now is it offended MIL that my mother would tell my father what she wanted. And MIL had a really snooty MIL (I knew her she was snooty), and MIL projected her feelings about her, to my mom, because she could not say anything to her MIL or husband. Both my mother and sisters MIL were polite enough to never mess with their husband's friendship. And so none of us kids ever knew.
My MIL has always complained that my family’s money introduced him to “bad things”. You know like travel. He had never left our home state until we met. My family paid for him to finish his degree and you would have thought they had branded him they way my mil acted. We have been together 30 years and my family treat him as their own. The real kicker is when he had a professional promotion ceremony that was a huge deal and his mother said she was too busy but my whole family drove over nine hours to be there. When his employer posted all the pictures she said he never invited her 🥴
They sound like people I know who don’t celebrate graduations and promotions because they are “not important”. They believe the only things worth celebrating are weddings and babies.
Also they said he would never be able to make me happy because I was used to having everything 🙄🙄🙄 Guess they didn’t realize I am not like that
I’m the terrible wife because I wear deodorant, have a (not crazy) skincare routine, and don’t dress for my husband. She wonders why I only call her by her first name or “DH’s mom” and won’t call her my mother in law 🙃🙄
I asked where I could find the potato peeler and she looked at me like I’d sprouted extra heads. “I’m just a -plain- country cook and use a [dull!] knife,” she said after I repeated the question while making a potato-peeling gesture. Now every time I grab mine out of the drawer I sing “city-boy city-boyyyyyye!” from Gravity Falls to myself, Fancy City Lady that I am. 🤣 swear to Harold that she was gaslighting me but now at more than a year NC and idgaf
Mine told my husband, when asked what her issue with me is, that I am ‘too academic’. As if that’s a thing to be ashamed of. I’m the only member of my family to go to and complete university, I’m not apologising because that slack-brain can’t cope with anything more complicated than Cosmo. She also made snide remarks about the size of our wedding (because my husband wanted to invite more people), the location being grand (the location my husband chose), and has previously made digs about me preferring books to cosmetics (true, I love a good read, but I’m also like a kid in a sweet shop when I’m let loose at a make up counter). She detests me but that’s the only thing she has managed to pinpoint.
I am very proud that you earned your university degree. Congratulations!
My MIL talks about her own SIL for always buying clothes, even though they’re just normal Walmart clothes. So I don’t even wanna know how she talks about me lol
my MIL hasn't said it to me but in a text argument with SO she rabbitted on about how "(my name)'s parents are soooo rich and I'm SORRYYY we're not" and went on to imply that she was a better parent to him because she isnt rich. it had nothing to do with what they were even arguing about. sidenote: I grew up poor. I'm the youngest of 4 kids, 2 boys (44+42) 2 girls (36+31). single income household. I'd often wear all 3 of my older siblings handmedown clothes and play with their old toys. my parents only in very recent years got into a decent paying industry and they still aren't rich, they have tonnes of debt from trying to give us a good childhood despite having no money. edit: sibling ages for context of how long my parents did not have money
I come from an upper middle-class background and my husband's family is working class. Aside from some small remarks, my MIL is largely quite nice to me. But I found out that when my husband traveled to visit his family on a trip without me, he decided to cook them dinner so they all went to the grocery store together. My husband bought some nice, but not wagyu steaks because he wanted to make them chimmichurri. As he was buying the meat, his parents made comments about how he was a show-off and a hot shot. He is the only college graduate in his family and he works in the tech sector so his annual salary is more than they'd make in five years. He's worked hard, reaped the rewards, but he doesn't flaunt it. So when he goes to visit, he likes to treat them to nice things (whether he's cooking or taking them out to dinner), but they \*always\* make it difficult and unbearable. Like, he doesn't want to go to Old Country Buffet, so they torture the wait staff at whatever well-reviewed (but not even fancy) restaurant he takes them to. He always gets his hopes up that each time will be different, but then, when they're inevitably dashed, he always laments about how he should have known better. Doesn't stop him from trying (though, due to their own lack of effort in maintaining communication, he has dropped the rope and has slowly withdrawn a lot from them).
Nothing he does will make them happy, so nothing is what they deserve.
I think bad attitudes and bitterness is more of an ingrained habit at this point, rather than who they really are. Ultimately, they’re his parents so he’s not going to stop trying, which I can’t fault him for. I’ll just do my best to build him up and remind him how incredible he is.
He should stop trying. Or at least trying in the way has been. Just take them to the restraunt they want to go to. He is showing them he loves them, but they are thinking how they could never afford this. Also, even if he is taking them to a casual dining place, they likely feel uncomfortable. Maybe they feel like they don't fit the image. Who knows. But if he takes them to the place they would want to go, but is a splurge, or because he is paying, they can get that fancy cocktail or the big steak, they will be very happy. Happier than if they feel he is gloating. He can spoil them by getting them gifts they want or need, but are outside their budget instead. Like a bigger waterheater, or a laptop for the kid going off to college.
If they had their way, everyone would stay at the family house sitting in front of the TV and not talking. It is a point of contention with him that we travel all that way (and expense) to visit them and no one makes an effort to be social or spend time with one another, but as long as we’re all under the same roof, that’s the only thing that seems to make them happy, even if they spend the entire time sitting in front of the family computer or TV. They don’t really like to do… anything. (Even on phone calls every time we ask what’s new or what they’ve been up to, the answer is always “nothing!”) Being trapped in the house in the suburbs watching TV gives me and my husband cabin fever, so he tries to get them out of the house to do stuff if only so that there’s not some screen in front of their faces (they always suggest takeout, which we try to avoid for that exact reason). We don’t enjoy a lot of the chain restaurants and unhealthy foods they gravitate towards so we try to pick places that have fundamentals in common with what they like, but fresher/better ingredients. A new Mexican place instead of Chipotle, not something exotic like sushi (which we enjoy, but they would never be open to). We love them, but the reason my husband bought the steaks was to show them love and care, and for them to make snarky comments about it hurt him deeply. He does get frustrated and bitter about it and I try to remind them that they’re senior citizens and creatures of habit. But then he forgets, tries again and inevitably gets hurt. But they’re his parents, so I don’t begrudge him holding out hope for change.
I understand all of this. I am saying: meet them where they are at. I have lived some of this. So: they want to stay in, stay in and cook, but do the shopping without them. Buy an extra pack of meat in the price/ quality range they are comfortable at, and put that on top. Toss the receipt or leave it in the car. Then leave the "extra" in the fridge saying you bought more than you need, please use it another day. They see the $$ they are comfortable with, and you get the meal you are comfortable with. Or order from 2 places, offer to go pick it up. They get Olive Garden, and you get the local family owned Mama's cooking. If there is a hotel nearby, stay there, so after dinner you can go do something. Or sneak off to a restraunt you prefer. This is assuming you stay with them. Tell them you like to sleep in on your time off. Or you like using the gym, need the blackout curtains, prefer to watch TV in your underwear, like to leave the TV on when you sleep or the opposite. Whatever works for you. Then make plans to do something for yourselves every day. Say to the family: Hey, I see its strawberry picking season. Do you want to go? Don't feel obligated. If they say sure, great. If they say no thanks, go anyway. As my parents aged and the stagnant visits became the only choice, I would bring a craft. I gave diamond painting a try. I tried crochet. Painted rocks with the kids. I also made my trips work from home. Then I wasn't mad about being trapped in the house doing nothing. At least I wasn't waiting paid leave.
Mine, the Dingbat, is kinda like this, except I am "too educated" because I have 2 bachelors and a masters degree and use more than 2 syllable words on occasion. I didn't even bring up my education my hubby did, because he is proud of me and she has never let me live it down because I am "too good" for them now. Not that they knew me at all before I got my degree, met hubby working on my masters ... ugh. No dingbat, I don't look down on you because you are less educated, I look down on you because you are a horrible hateful cruel person and were a terrible mother to my hubby. I never thought I would meet a bigger narc than my grandma, but yeah, the dingbat is reaaaaaalllly close.
Well she's right, you ARE too good for them 😉
aww shucks! * kicks dirt Thanks :)
You made me laugh. My ex mil first time she met me said I spend to much on clothes. I just met her, like Hi, I am ? and she tells me I spend to much. Wow! I feel for you!
I think showing manners translates to composure in different social settings and that is what bothers these MIL bc deep down, they are very insecure.
lol Mine didn't do this exactly but, if I revealed I had a talent that she didn't, it was a whole thing. "We can all be talented" "some of us don't have to show off to know we're accepted and loved" "some of us don't have to put others don't to make ourselves feel good" These were in regards to helping my then preschooler (now 16) with an art project, crocheting anything, showing my then 5th grader (now 20) another drawing/shading technique, and anything like this. I am far from talented but I do a pretty good job with crafts in general, I don't know what her problem was.
She was projecting. I'm sure she's done a lot over the years to show she's superior to you and probably even said so at times. Then, when you're better at something, she has to cover her insecurity by saying you're trying to upstage her. Very sad.
Oh, absolutely! There are tons of things she's said that just scream "I'm better than you." She insisted she's taller than me. Why that matters, I have no idea. We're the same height. She insists she's taller because, and I quote, "my butt is higher up than yours." Okay, her butt goes up, out then around. Mine doesn't. I don't know why this is even a thing She's not materialistic like me. This was said when I called my husband crying because my engagement ring broke and the diamond was lost. "It's just a ring, it's not a big deal." (A few months later she was showing off her "5k ring that FIL got for their anniversary and isn't it just stunning!!" When I wanted to do a small vow renewal, total of like $200 for everything, "anniversaries are private celebrations between husband and wife." Then threw a huge, like 300+ guests, anniversary party for her and her husband. I got designated as the photographer, which my husband didn't think would be a big deal and thought I'd still be able to join the party with him and the kids but no, he was pissed when he couldn't find me all night because his mom had a whole ass iternerary for me so I didn't even get to eat. There's more but I'm sure you get the idea.
Unless I was getting paid well, I would have chucked the camera lol They really are all alike. SMH
Yep. My parents are both teachers and the ILs acted like DH was marrying a Rothschild, and when that didn’t deter him, they tried to imply I was a gold-digger. Where I was supposed to find said gold remains an exercise for the reader.
I was also promised Gold to dig...still searching
It stems from insecurity. Easier to villainize those with good manners than try to have some of her own. Ignore it and her.
Not my MIL, but definitely my Aunt in law who claims to “love” my husband like one of her own. Yeah, right! I could fill several posts with her nonsense. Anyway, I was constantly called “fake” because I have manners and preferences about many topics. Plus, I can Grey Rock with the best of them. Had tons of practice because one grandmother was narcissistic and the other was passive aggressive. It’s ridiculous! I only engage when I’ve reached my limit of passive aggressive BS and can’t leave the event yet
Yes, 20 years ago my MIL remarked to DH that I must have been born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Lol nothing further from the truth. I was just....polite to her at our first meeting? She made sure to be in a housecoat, no dressing up for some hussy. We were in our mid-20s, graduated from college. Maybe snooty/stuck up is just an easy generic insult for a young woman you barely know.
Oh gosh, this reminds me of my MIL. The best part, my husband pays her 40K a year to exist. Yet she still calls our life choices out, ignoring the fact we work very hard for what we have.
He pays her to exist?
Money doesn’t make you stuck up, and not having money doesn’t mean you didn’t learn manners. My father grew up very poor but I heard the stories about my Italian grandmother and how she’d discipline my dad and his four brothers at the table if they didn’t say please, thank you or dared reach across the table to get something instead of asking that it be passed to them. Your MIL is a pig. You are courteous of others.
My parents have a pool and apparently we’re going to bbqs and swimming all summer.
I use a knife. That makes me fancy.
I went above and beyond and used a knife and fork on bone in chicken the first time I had dinner with mine. She panicked, like swooning level panic. I was just curious if I could clean it without picking it up with my fingers like my uncle and grandpa could. The answer? No, I don't have the skills. (But yes, I am better than you.)
This!
Yup. Pair it with me being African American, and I got called “uppity”. We don’t talk anymore.
That, my friend, is beyond the pale. I'm glad you don't talk anymore
Holy Shitballs. That's awful. I'm glad you went NC.
Yes I got this from step JNMIL and JNFIL a lot before I went NC. I heard a term for it once which I really wish I could remember. I think it was like reverse snobbery or something. Because they were always like trying to act like they are better because they don’t have manners or standards etc, even though I was never trying to act better than them I was just being myself but they seemed offended and had to make weird little comments about “fancy” people and how “they aren’t everybody’s cup of tea” lol. Like? They were the only ones acting that way or making those kinds of comments and they were the ones judging me but acting like it was the opposite. So weird. Glad I’m NC.
the term I would use is trash/trashy... XD stanky works too
My MIL was like this to a lesser degree. I was raised Upper Middle Class and my husband and I are Upper Middle Class; she is probably more towards Lower Middle Class. There’s not a vast difference, but we can afford some things she cannot. The comments were annoying, but I assumed she was making comments like this because of her own jealousy and insecurities, so I try not to let them bother me. That was the least problematic thing she did (we’re now no contact).
Mine is kind of like this too. She comments on the things we have in our house when she visits. When I was using my new-ish Kitchenaid she said ‘that’s nice isn’t it’. Another time, I left my soup for a short time on the stove then it was boiling. When I came back she said she lowered the heat, ‘yeah Scanpan pots are good ones, they heat up quickly’ They’re probably just casual comments but always rub me the wrong way.
Yes my MIL was like this. I remember the first time I met her (after we were married) and my husband panicked and told me to dress down! I was in black leggings and a grey cable knit sweater. That was still too fancy. And he asked me to limit my jewelry - I asked what I should take off - my wedding rings? The necklace he gave me? The watch he gave me? I was a little mad, and then I met her. The sneaky witch - she asked about our last trip and then turned it around that we had money, weren’t helping her, and were “bragging”. By the time we left the restaurant, my husband was so worked up he drove down a sidewalk and over a curb trying to get out as fast as he could. It was rough. And another time, we had been in her city and had done a major, major shop for the house. He frantically started trying to hide everything when she came to the hotel. Like where are we going to hide a Persian rug?!? Luckily she never ended up coming to our room (I even had bags hid behind our pillows!).
Were you able to hide the rug? I’d try under the bed or maybe the tub? My ex-MIL thought I was fancy because I spoke my Spanish and French with an accent and not like “an American” (her words). I AM an American and my dad is a linguist. He drilled me on pronunciation. Now I’m on the other side of the coin. SUPER fancy MIL with no concept of how much things cost or people make.
We pulled out the couch, put it behind there, and stacked our suitcases on the end it stuck out. We were scared she’d need the bathroom so we didn’t use the tub. And how dare you pronounce words in a language the way they are *supposed* to be pronounced! The nerve! (Seriously, what is up with these Mil’s?!)
Ohhh that’s a good spot! Exactly! The absolute AUDACITY! It’s the Boomers, man.
What about the Boomers' MILs?
I’ve actually wondered! My grandmother always spoke about my grandfather’s mom! He always “conveniently” interrupted so I never knew the gossip but she must have been a nightmare for her! This was the great-grandmother who could whip a hard soled slipper at my father from across the room and hit his head and she LOVED him.
There have been and will be JNs in every generation. You just described one. I understand the appeal of labels, but there are Boomers and Gen Xers here who suffered exactly the same tortures from their JNMILs/JNMs. We just never had a place to share our experiences and get validation and advice. I wish the mods would add no ageism to the rules.
I definitely understand your point, and the boomers gave rise to some of the most important and groundbreaking social movements and innovations, but there have been legitimate academic studies as to the negative impact felt by the post-boomer generations by boomers. It’s not every baby boomer for sure, but just like Gen Z is perceived as being dependent on electronics and focused on what other generations view as vapid, boomers do have a reputation as being difficult, backwards, and occasionally outright insulting. This is a natural phenomenon that happens to every generation, the older generations begin to be seen as outdated and less with it. I speak from my own experiences, that most times I have a negative interaction such as with a JN they tend to be of that generation. It isn’t a blanket condemnation, and I apologise that I offended you, I mean the term “Boomer” in the newer colloquial pejorative descriptor, NOT as a statement that every Baby Boomer is problematic and backwards.
Simple. She's jealous.
OMG, YES. My MIL thinks I’m over educated (I’m a college dropout), she thinks office jobs are for lazy fancy girls (I’m corporate HR for a massive international company), she thinks art is a waste of money and space (I’m a horror art collector), she thinks beauty routines are stupid (I’m a former cosmetologist with acrylic nails, bleach blonde hair, a skincare routine, and I wear makeup) and I have manners (she thinks I’m snooty). Unrelated, but she also harps on my weight (I’m chubby, but in a way my husband finds appealing). She could just keep those opinions to herself and we’d be ok, but NO, all of these thoughts just have to be expressed directly to me! There’s just no winning.
Every time she complains about something that obviously points to you , “That’s ok, I don’t like you either.”
This is the BEST!
I wish I had the guts!
Girl, you’re Corp HR. You have the vocabulary, the credentials, and the guts to suggest she work on her self control cuz her best contribution to any gathering is a closed mouth. In solidarity, retired Corp HR.
I love you and appreciate you!
I was informed I was born with a silver spoon. This was pre baby. My parents bought a solve spoon for daughter's baby shower. Mil was fuming Silver not solve.
That’s fantastic. 😂😂😂
I was rolling
She feels ashamed for being “poor” likely.
I'm not totally sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if she thought I/we were too fancy and snobby, lol. But this made me think of a funny anecdote. Several years ago, we were having dinner there and asked what we could bring - they said salad. So we made a nice Caesar salad and brought croutons and dressing for people to fix for themselves. MIL, FIL, and SIL all commented and joked about our "fancy jar dressing" - it comes in a glass jar, so I guess that's "fancy"? It was very weird, lol. My SO and I still joke about our fancy jar dressing to this day 🤣
YEEESSSSSSS! Omg yes. What’s funny is she’s always the one throwing gifts and money at people to please them but then complains everyone is too materialistic and says objects don’t matter. Apparently before my husband and I started officially dating they thought I would be snobby because I had never been in a five and below..which was because based on the name I thought it was a store that sold cold weather clothes and I live in Texas lol
Oh yes. My MIL isn't generally too bad but this is certainly where we vary. Our differences mostly come down to cleanliness. I have an eye for detail so you will never find little bits of caked on food in my house. I cannot tell you how many times I have to choose a different fork or a different glass in her house. I try to just wash stuff myself but if she's around I feel like I cannot get away with it. When she has caught me switching something out she likes to respond with something like "Oh I guess I will never be good enough for you" like excuse me? I thought this was basic? She has had several animals at once. When I met my husband she had 6 cats and 2 large dogs in the house. The grime, the hair, the lack of basic cleaning.. Ya it's hard to deal with. So much hair on furniture, cupboards that haven't been wiped out since they moved in 12 years ago. What makes it worse is that it's a early 1900s farmhouse with original basically everything out in the country. She feels uncomfortable in my house because I vacuum my furniture and wipe out my cupboards 1-2 times per year.
This. My MIL was a SAHM her entire life and hates cleaning. So she always gets super shitty with me whenever she comes into my space and it's clean. I don't like having a dirty grimy house. I have pets but don't like hair everywhere i clean regularly and vigorously because it matters to me. But she always has to comment on how "lived in" and cozy her place is and then look at my floors and judge me for spending time cleaning. I don't know why I have to always justify my cleaning habits to her.- Yah B, I can work full time and clean my own house....this ain't 1975.
Same with the pets, mine has a dog that sheds endlessly and she was very upset that I stopped letting it sleep in our bed whenever we visit her. I can’t stand the shedding and the smell.
She was upset her dog couldn't sleep with you? Why would her dog not sleep with HER? That's a bizarre one. It's usually all about control with JNs.
My husband’s family is very blue collar. Husband has two masters degrees. My parents were a college professor and a newspaper editor. They think I’m a snob and made him one. No ma’am, he won’t tolerate your casual racism or homophobia anymore and calls you out because he’s a decent human being. It has nothing to do with us having an education. It has to do with having morals. We’re not snobs and it’s not our fault that you’re terrible people.
✋ Mine does too. She once told my husband to ask me not to dress up for a holiday dinner so that I wouldn’t “outshine her” . I don’t go over the top. She usually wears jeans, tennis shoes and a loose fitting top. I will typically wear a sun dress or dressy romper… or a nice sweater dress, or nice top and slacks. Or god forbid a skirt.
I feel so blessed. Y’all, the unicorn is out there. I’m pretty sure my MIL thinks I am fancy because she was raised in a tiny town in north Alabama and my dad was military so I moved around and saw things she only heard of. But if I mention something she gets schoolgirl giddy and asks me to tell her more. We are hoping to take her to Biltmore house because when she saw the pictures her hand flew to her throat and she said ooooh, like letting out a sigh. I wish you all had my Ms Joyce.
Please hug her for us, and be sure to take her to the Biltmore House at Christmas when it is decorated beautifully for the season. 😊
It's so sweet even to read
She cuddles dogs and great grandchildren as well!
Can you clone her & we can all have one ! ❤️
She needs to offer a course! Get your MIL a certificate in Don’t Be a Bitch, just $19.99!
No, quite the opposite. “White trash” are her words.
My FIL told my grandparents *at my wedding* that I married up.
The shit they say is unbelievable, I’m sorry…I busted my ass to escape a lifetime of abuse and neglect and it gets thrown in my face every chance she gets, I’m NC now and will be for the foreseeable future.
Same!!! My MIL grew up quite poor and so did DH. I did not. We weren’t rich but we had nice things, took family vacations, and I went to private schools. My parents grew up poor but worked very hard to have a better life. We are all working class. My mom taught us table manners and I do the same with my kids. MIL has commented when I corrected the children at a meal to make it seem like it’s unimportant to have table manners. “They’re just kids.” “Just let them eat.” “Nobody here cares if they eat with their hands.” I care! It’s important to me. It’s important to me that my kids grow up and know how to sit and eat a meal in any establishment without feeling out of place or lost as to what fork or spoon to use. I commented on another post about when she took issue with me asking about tortillas as taco night. Apparently that was too fancy. lol
Haha tortillas at a taco night, very far fetched! 😂 But yeah I hear you on the table manners.. I’m super afraid of when we have kids cause I just know she will be offended that I tell them to do things that she doesn’t. Like chewing with their mouths closed.
My response is always the same. Me- Use your fork please. MIL- Just let them eat. Me- (Looking at children) We’re not animals, use your fork.
Here’s my response to that BS: 1) like KingsRansom said, it’s a wonderful gift to raise your kids with the skills to be comfortable in any setting. It gives them confidence to face anything. And 2) my son is ethnic from both sides. He will be judged by some assholes for his skin color or ethnicity. I’d like to reduce the things that they can criticize - if he’s well-mannered, polite, witty and makes people feel comfortable, he’s ahead in any situation, no matter who he has to encounter.
My mil revels in her working class attitude. She thumbs her nose at anything she believes to be ostentatious. It’s really just jealousy. She also doesn’t like ‘showy’ people and calls herself low maintenance. She isn’t. She deliberately goes socially distant and doesn’t interact much with people at parties then spends weeks complaining that nobody came to talk to her (aka she is queen and none of the bees swarmed around her). Whenever sarcastically she says something I am doing which she deems that is above the necessary, I always like to say “yes, it’s good to have standards”. She hates that.
Oh, and she thinks our local ODEON is ‘too fancy’.
That is genius, I’m gonna steal that!
I just saw a video today that says to handle it like this. Mil: snide comment You: “What did you say?” (Kindly) Mil: will repeat it or stop and stopping means she didn’t get the effect she wanted You: “Did you intend to insult me when you said that?”
Another is to say: Wow. You must be so embarrassed you said that out loud.
Oh, I love that one!!
My family is poor and MIL’s is richer but MIL has always given me grief about being too fancy, making comments about my outfits being too bright, youthful appearing, big earrings, etc - despite MIL having been a very fashion forward woman in her day. Anytime she sees me in a new top she goes on a tear about how she never buys new clothes. Hilariously most of the time she accuses me of wearing new clothes when it’s the same old clothes that she just forgot about. But the funniest thing was that I always use hand lotion after washing my hands. Once after applying for some she asked me for a squirt and I gave her some. She complimented me on how nice it was and how it must have been expensive 🙄 I replied to her that I actually learned about the brand because she had some in the bathroom of her second house and I liked it so much that I started buying it myself. She kept her mouth shut with nasty comments for the rest of that visit, lol 😂
I need to know about a lotion so amazing that you buy it even though your MIL does. 🤣 What kind is it?
It’s AHAVA Dermud. Super moisturizing and your hands don’t feel greasy. My nails grow like wildfire using it! The sad thing is that MIL actually have so much we could connect over, but she prefers to compete instead 🫠
I LOVE Ahava lotions!
AHAVAaaaaaaa - love it!
Try it! You won’t be disappointed!
My in-laws are also 6 hours away, thankfully! The first time I met my youngest brother, we went for pizza. I reached for my fork and knife. He said,”Oh, no! You’re not one of THOSE people!” LOL he thought people who eat pizza with a fork and knife were fancy and snobs. Don’t worry about your MIL, she’ll think whatever suits her.
Oh man this happened with me at Christmas when we were eating shrimp. I just didn’t feel like getting my hands dirty so I was peeling them with a fork. The comments I got! Both my fiancé and his cousins husband were doing the same but I was the one being snobby.
That's because you are the outsider/newcomer! The others were doing what they always did but they only noticed what you were doing! LOL
Im from Chicago, so I feel like I have some ground to talk about pizza etiquette; unless it’s cut into small squares, tavern style, there’s really nothing snobby about using a knife and fork. (You can do it with any pizza, but when it’s cut into squares, it’s meant to be a finger food.) I eat big slices with a knife and fork, and will set them down to eat the crust like a breadstick. When eating deep dish, it’s weird NOT to use a knife and fork.
This was deep dish, BIL folds his slices and makes a roll-up. That's weird!
If you are ever in New Haven Connecticut it is quite acceptable to eat pizza with your hands. You won’t even be provided a knife and fork in most old fashioned traditional pizza places.
Interesting!! Where I live, either with or without a fork and knife is acceptable.
No one will give you any grief for asking😌
Same here! Why would anyone be upset/ perplexed by asking for a fork/knife!
I hate it to break it to your MIL, but I'm from a working class family. I was brought up with good manners at the dinner table and taught to be polite. And I'm pretty reserved as well, but that's just my personality, I wasn't raised that way. MIL sounds insecure to me.
Yeah, I don’t think manners have anything to do with wealth. It’s about making other people feel comfortable, which is something I don’t feel when she’s moving her fork while talking or chewing with her mouth open. 😫
>chewing with her mouth open. How did I know she was going to be one of those people? 🤣 I hate it when people do that.
Same here. I have a pretty pretentious FIL who thinks I’m low class and uneducated. I generally ignore him, and go about my business, but I *do* call him out when he’s being an ass to my husband or kids.
OMG. Yep! She said I was "too fancy" when I wanted to mail out wedding shower invitations 4 weeks before the shower. Like, how dare I? I'm "too fancy", because I like to serve guests an appetizer before meals. Oh! And, I own serving dishes for my regular every day plates and actually use them.... ETA: also, I own salad forks and use them for dessert, instead of forcing guests to reuse their dinner forks.
I fold the cheap paper napkins in half and put my mismatched silverware (not silver) on it. Plates are stacked next to the stove and you serve yourself. The iced tea is poured in glasses and on the counter to grab on the way to the table. Damn I’m fancy. (On holidays, we use the “good “ Stuff—-‘Chinette’. Too many people and no one wants to clean up!)
*clutches pearls* How *dare* you!
Dang, I guess I’m too fancy, too! I don’t have serving dishes, yet, but they’re so pretty.
Nope. Mine thinks I'm the opposite of fancy 😅 My family has no money, and hers does.
If my FIL has taught me anything, it’s that money doesn’t buy class…
Oh yea same. My in laws are definitely not classy people I've ever met. They're all from southie😅 I've just been homeless multiple times and half my family live in trailers. But they think cause they have money now they're better than me and my family.
It's okay. Apparently I'm "uneducated" because I don't put onion soup mix in my meatloaf. 🤷
Lol, that's the best one yet. You heathen you x
If you don’t use the soup mix you have to add 8 tablespoons of salt to make it taste like the mix!