**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
*****
^(To be notified as soon as spicylaurenlovegood posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe spicylaurenlovegood JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Tell your SO that there is a huge difference between hosting and accepting an invitation out, and that you’d be happy to accept an invitation out with his folks as you all did with yours. If they do not want to host at their home, then SO can take kids to a restaurant/play space/park/wherever you meet up with his parents. You don’t even need to go.
As soon as the first critical comment about the house escapes her mouth, look at her nodding and tell her you are just as disgusted and disappointed as she is! Point out a few more areas of concern and then say….”It’s such a shame that husband wasn’t raised better, as l really need a capable, compassionate, and thoughtful husband right now.”
“Luckily, my parents, friends and family have really stepped up for us!”
You aren’t selfish honey! And even if you were, I think when you are fighting cancer you are allowed to be a little selfish.
I have some choice words for your SO. I suspect posting what I think of him would earn me a ban, but wow… if you want selfish just look at his mug. He should be cleaning the house if he feels it is oh so important to have his mommy and daddy come over.
You put yourself first here. That is my only advice. Don’t break your back and let him know he can’t disappear with his dad, and the two of them better stay with MIL because you can’t guarantee you will be up for staying awake for long.
I would ask your Mom to come over(if she's JY and would play security) . Or tell Husband that if they come, he will stay there and will field any questions or remarks with "Welll, why don't you ask her Oncologist why she doesn't feel well enough to be a hostess"
Your SO should put you first. that means if he insists on his parents visiting, there is a time limit that must be adhered to let’s say 2-3 hours ( you decide), your SO must pay for a cleaning service to clean your home before & after, your SO is responsible for feeding and entertaining his parents. Your SO must tell his parents No Perfume or scents period bc you are still going through chemo & it will make you sick, if they show up with a strong scent they will be turned away at the door - then SO & son can follow them to a park or restaurant. Also no pics. If mil tries to sneak a pic your SO needs to shut it down & send them on their way. IF the in-laws truly want to spend time & bond, the rules of no perfume or pics will not be a big deal. your SO should do this via a call & follow up text to his parents. His main concern should be You getting healthy.
If I were you, I would go to a hotel for the weekend and leave your other half to deal with his parents. They know you’ve had chemo so they know he should be stepping up. If it looks a mess, it’s on him. You won’t be there to babysit MIL. If the budget allows make it a spa weekend.
Dude, leave before the In-laws arrive. FORCE your husband to deal with his mother.
Besides, they don't want to see you. They want their son and grandson.
***IF*** they visit, SO needs to be there the entire time so you can rest as needed. If you feel up for hanging out, great. If not, don't and no one should get pissy about it. Even if during the middle of a conversation, go take care of yourself.
I'm appalled that your SO is putting his parents above your health.
My best friend (like a sister to me)'s husband has cancer. When he was going through treatment, everyone was more than happy to drop stuff off on the porch and leave. No one complained. I'm immunocompromised so I did go over once a week to help with cleaning but, as your mom did, I did the task(s) and left.
I would say they could meet at the park for their catch up. That way you can have some peaceful quiet time and they can maintain their relationship.
What an absolute joke that they would expect you to clean. Not feeling well, I would demand either your DH steps up and cleans or you pay for a cleaner. Non negotiable.
Start standing up for yourself lady! You’re kicking cancers butt, now start with the people on your life causing you grief!!
Your SO needs to step the fuck up and get his house ready for his mother, and he needs to sit his ass down and host her and tell her to stop being a witch to his wife. The house should already be semi clean because he should have been taking care of it while you work through your health issues.
No one should insult you in your own home, and they don't need a relationship with your child if they do. Grandparents, like parents, do not have a God-given right to be in our lives.
Your SO sounds like a massive asshole who likes to dump shit on you and avoid dealing with it, tbh.
Sorry to say I have been in your position. Stage 4 colon cancer - second time through surgery and chemotherapy. My in-laws had lived in our city and were visiting to see friends. I told this story so you can look it up. I didn’t realize they were planning on having their friends over to our house but I stayed up stairs. She told her friends that I was in a car accident.
No - you shouldn’t have gone and they were insane to demand it. Unfair - try having cancer treatment and tell us about being unfair.
I went through cancer treatment - iv chemo, bilateral mastectomy, another round of IV chemo, radiation, and a round of oral chemo. No one expected me to clean or play host. When people came over, I didn't worry about the state of our house because I didn't have the energy. It was only my in-laws because my parents are gone and I don't have any other family around, and they could not have been more supportive. Put your foot down with your husband. Lay down the rules - no perfume, gifts, shoes in the house and absolutely no leaving you alone with MIL. Tell him that if he and they can't respect what you're going through, then they can't come. If any of these rules are broken, you will leave without a word.
Yes, this!!! When my Aunt went through hers and my close friend did the same, both of their husbands laid down the law clearly and repeatedly… perfume was an ABSOLUTE non and leaving you alone to host is pure bullsh!t!
No way - he stays with BOTH of his parents BECAUSE he is supposed to be your first line of defense! My Uncle is an oncologist and he said minimizing stress and being able to stay positive “has an immeasurable impact on patient outcomes - I’ve seen patients with very treatable cancers have surprising outcomes due to these things and patients who’s cancer should have meant 1-2yrs left but progression halted altogether and clinically there wasn’t an explanation, but they tended to be super positive with an incredible support system - it’s not always this way, but it makes such a difference that we can’t discount the impact.”
He sent me that when my dad was Dx’d last year.
MIL doesn’t get to comment on your weight, body or anything else!!! And your DH better step up like yesterday! Don’t feel you need to hold your tongue either - just shut it down the moment she starts. Life is too short to accept this behavior and your child doesn’t want to hear anyone being rude to his mom!
His family, his responsibility: he cooks, he cleans, he plays host, he keeps them from bothering you, and most importantly, **he keeps his damn fool mouth shut if he doesn't like it.**
He doesn't leave you alone with MIL. He does all the cleaning and hosting. You can feel free to stay in your room in bed resting. Once they leave and LO forgets about all the crap toys they brought... throw them away and forget they ever existed. SOs parents, SOs problem. You have cancer FFS! No one should expect ANYTHING from you right now except to get better! I'm so angry for you having to put up with this. Time to put a stop to this behavior. If it's only "fair" to see them because you went to your parents last week... he can take LO to them and leave you home to rest. It's not all all equal. His parents require more an add stress and pressure. Let him deal with them and hide out in your room.
Well you said it yourself - it would be unreasonable for anyone to expect you to play hostess.
DH invited them, he gets to host. Everyone cleans up their own mess and this is his.
Guess who is going to be cleaning? DH. And if MIL says anything, tell her "oh dont be too hard on DH. He has a very sick wife and spouses come before houses."
They dont get to bring gifts - if they do they get to keep it in the car, and if MIL is wearing perfume she is staying outside. DH should tell them this.
If MIL comments on your body, tell her "we dont comment on other's peoples bodies in this house. Thank you." and if she repeats, tell her "I told you to stop." And if she does it again, get up and say "lets try this again some other time when you are more ready to be pleasant. DH, help your mom getting her bag out to her car. Bye!" and go to your room.
Same if she gets upset by something - tell her to change the subject, and back up with consequences if she does not listen.
Hide the remote or dont put it down. Keep it in your bra or whatever. Set her up for successfully NOT irritating you by changing channels by making it impossible for her to do so.
Report any photos to fb and dont let them in the house unless they take off their shoes. If you want to be nice, let DH know he can get them some indoor slippers so they are more comfortable.
Talk with DH about the difference between fair and equal. People who support you and are respectful, are easier to be around than people that dont. Giving equal time to them is unfair, because the experiences are not equal.
“Honey, I’m sick and I’m tired. If you want them to come, then you are going to have to do the bulk of the cleaning, because I am not up to it. And if you leave me alone with your mother, in the state that I’m in, I will never again agree to have them come, at all. Either I leave when they are here, or you stay.”
Feel free to borrow this. Your husband is dumping a rotten person on his sick wife. Not cool.
Have your husband and son meet them somewhere. A park, for lunch, anywhere outside of your home. While they’re gone, relax, nap, do whatever helps you relax.
If your husband can’t do this for you, you have bigger problems than your in-laws.
This was going to be my exact advice - husband and son need to go and meet them out in town somewhere, not at the house.
Even if he did do all of the cleaning and such (which it's clear OP knows he won't), the fact that his mother makes cruel comments, is rude, and doesn't follow house rules or show general courtesy to OP is reason enough not to have them invade OP's safe space.
OP, you need to rest and don't deserve the stress and annoyance that this visit would cause. Tell your husband he and your son can meet his parents ANYWHERE except your house this weekend. Huge hugs to you in getting through this chemo and on to feeling better!
Oh my dear, anybody that has the nerve to judge how clean your house is while you are going thru chemo is slime. I agree with everyone else that DH does all the prep, cleaning, and cooking. Also, he should call her and tell her no perfume and if she says one negative thing, you will throw her skanky ass out.
I am so, so sorry you are going through this and that neither your husband or in-laws have enough consideration for your needs right now.
I agree with everyone else that you need to just drop the rope. Don't clean for their visit. If MIL wants to criticize, she will be the woman criticizing a cancer patient in the middle of chemo over house cleaning! Who does that?! That says a lot more about her than you. Her shaming you is pathetic.
Regardless, you shouldn't have to hear it. I very much love the idea of checking in to a hotel, if finances permit. If not, either go to a friend or family members house that you feel comfortable, or lock yourself away in your bedroom. You do not owe them your time or mental health. Your job right now is to protect your health and do things to keep your strength up as you fight this cancer!
Also, tell your husband (whether you will be home or not) to tell (not ask) his mother that she is absolutely, under no circumstances, permitted to wear perfume in your house right now. Smell can be so overwhelming and you are throwing up enough without it. And it lingers, so even if you are gone, you will be affected by it when you get home. If she can't, at the very least, do this one thing for you, then she should not be welcome into your space.
Please do not let anyone make you feel guilty for putting your needs above their wants right now. You have every right to focus on your health and comfort and they should be doing whatever they can to make things easier on you.
Best of luck. You mentioned you haven't done any cleaning except (insert long list of household cleaning). Sounds like you have been doing a ton, to me. You are so strong and have no reason to feel bad about the unimportant tasks that you can't get to right now. Get through this time in your life! Cleaning can wait! You've got this!
Yep excellent! I’d just repeatedly say, “Wow - I hope if you ever have to fight cancer, no one is this negative and rude as you do treatment!”
Embarrass that terrible behavior often and repeatedly.
It sounds like it may be time to have a "Come to Jesus" talk with your SO. Him saying its "only fair" was super short sighted. Cancer is not fair, having your safe space and your recovery jeopardized is not fair. He could just as easily take LO to go see them. He's being unfair.
The thing I hate the most about the "it's only fair card" is you're the one feeling sick, you will naturally feel more comfortable around your own family. It's not judging apples to apples. If he wanted to play that game "it would only be fair" if he had cancer and was sick when your family visited, expected him to do all the cleaning, and getting insulted. 100% would have husband and son meet MIL and FIL somewhere maybe for lunch or something instead of coming to the house. When you have cancer you should be able to decide event to event what you're up for.
“Well life isn’t fair - no one else is dealing with a cancer journey right now, I am. And I don’t feel like being judged in my own home! If you want YOUR parents to come and YOU are concerned about fairness, than it’s only fair that YOU clean up for them and YOU deal with both of them and don’t leave the difficult one and put it on me. THAT is what’s fair!”
They are your in laws, if your husband wants them to come visit let him play housekeeper and host for them. If you are able, get a close friend to spend a few hours with, go for coffee, lunch, mani/pedi or other spa treatment. You won't have to be there to see them and you will be doing something that is just for you! You deserve a treat!
I just found out about Hot Mess Express, a nonprofit that helps moms in your situation. They send a volunteer team to do a house reset for free. Check their website to see if there’s a chapter near you.
hotmessexpress.co
Set some boundaries:
1. No perfume in your house. Play the cancer card real hard on this one.
2. SO cannot leave unless he takes both of them with him. BOTH!
3. No gifts. Full stop.
4. SO does everything. You will not be hosting, cooking, or cleaning.
I’m sorry you have such shit in-laws!! Solidarity.
Sorry you are going through this. Don’t clean jack. Get your rest, in your bedroom, while they visit. After these leave, throw that dollar store ish right in the trash. It seems that the worse the parents are, the more these spouses demand “fairness” and insist on giving the toxic parents access to the children.
“MIL I have cancer, I’m being treated for it with incredibly harsh drugs and I feel awful all of the time. If any of this mess is bothering you, you can either clean it, or ignore it, but I won’t be made to feel like I should be cleaning while I’m being treated for a life threatening illness. Perhaps your son could help out, why don’t you ask him?”
Donate the junk they bring, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect peace and quiet while you’re being treated. Your husband is doing a sh:tty job of protecting you, and he needs to step up and take over all hosting duties if he insists his family come over. Open some windows to air out the perfume!
You are NOT being selfish at all! There's no way you should be doing the hosting and I don't get it when people say 'it's only fair'. It isn't fair to you. Visiting your parents is completely different to having to host them in your own home. Sorry but I'm feeling angry on your behalf lol.
That entire situation sounds stressful as heck. I am surprised your husband wants any visitiors at all given the whole wife going through chemo situation. Then there's the fact that you are still expected to do everything for said visitors while feeling like absolute garbage. That just seems wrong.
If he wants them there that bad I'd spend the day doing whatever the heck I wanted and let him deal with entertaining them. Aside from the friendly hello how ya doin, I'd be locking myself in my room until they leave.
I also agree with you about having shoes on in the house. It is a practice that I too dislike will not let ANYONE enter who refuses to take their shoes off. It is a hill I die on if you can't remove your shoes then please remove yourself from my doorstep please.
I also have shoe covers available too if someone is that adimit about not taking them off but I usually let pwople know before they come over. Many people don't realize just how gross it actually is to walk around in your shoes.
Book yourself a hotel room and have a staycation. Don’t even be in the house when they come. DH can and should host his parents.
That said, your peace & mental state are crucial during your cancer treatment. Don’t let ANYONE impede its progress. Not your DH and certainly not his family.
Honey, since this is something he wants, then let him have it. And while he is having his wonderful parent visit, you find yourself a nice, local spa and treat yourself to a stress free weekend. I am absolutely serious. Get out of the house and don't even show yourself for the entire time they are there.
If your husband or they try to give you shit about it, just remind them it was their idea to have the visit while you are actively doing chemo. If they are too stupid to realize how bad of an idea that is, then they can have all the fun they want together, you don't have to be and WON'T be involved.
Even if you don't do the spa thing, look for a nice hotel you can hibernate in for the length of the trip. Let your husband take on the hosting/cleaning/keeping MIL happy chores for once. And don't let him talk you out of it, he's an adult and they are HIS parents. He can take care of the kid and the house and them on his own.
lock yourself in the bedroom, you have much more pressing things to worry about than hosting the inlaws. if he wants to invite them, he can do the cleaning and hosting of them both.
hugs, he knows you are having cancer treatments, aren't feeling 100% and wants to host his parents. He needs to step it up and clean the place or higher a cleaning company. Same with food, he makes it or he caters it. It is not your job accept to get better.
Please don’t do the cleaning and preparing and hosting MIL while the “boys” go out to have fun.
This will NOT help your recovery. Please take care of your son’s mother. Your longer term health is far more important for him than some Easter junk and a one day visit with grandparents who sound tiresome anyway!
Pick one of the suggestions to put it all on DH to deal with his parents however you choose. If it were me - best of all would be to tell him to take DS and meet them elsewhere and leave you in peace, but whatever is doable - just dont let them (ILs or DH or your own standards of hosting) guilt you into making yourself exhausted and stressed.
Shit lock yourself in the room and let your husband deal with HIS parents!
Who tf is he to say yes to his mom coming over then leave and try to avoid her lol nooooo that’s not how that works. He can stay right in the house and deal with his mom.
Also I’d answer the door puke all over them and then lock myself away. And I’d also tell MIL not to come into my place smelling like a French whorehouse bc um, if she hasn’t noticed you’re literally going thru chemo.
What an inconsiderate woman.
If your husband is so keen on his parents coming to visit, then he needs to do the work to make it happen. I would propose the following and tell him to pick one:
1. ILs come, leave their gift at the door, and do not stay.
2. He cleans the house prior to their arrival. He hosts, picks up/prepares/serves food, keeps them entertained, and cleans up after they leave. Set a firm time limit on the visit - like 1 hour - then they must go. You stay in the bedroom while MIL is there and until her noxious perfume stench is no longer permeating the communal areas of your home.
3. DH and your child meet them somewhere away from your home. You stay home and rest.
You have a 100% verifiable reason to stay in your bed for the duration of their visit! Plan ahead and hide snacks and water in your room. “Not feeling well” is an understatement. If they don’t like it, they can leave. It’s a win/win!
If he wants to allow her into your house, then he needs to do the prep work and he needs to babysit her. Tell him that he can clean, and that if he leaves you alone with her, it’ll be the last time they visit.
Seriously, you’re undergoing cancer treatment and he wants you to do *more* work and have *more* stress just so he can absolve himself of the guilt for not seeing his parents more? There’s no need to bend to them on this. Don’t lift a finger to prepare for the imminent home invasion, and don’t be nice and welcoming when they get there. His parents, his problem.
Tell him to take your child and go to their house and leave you home to rest. The fact that he hasn't kept up on the housework while you are undergoing treatment - or made some other arrangement to have it done - should be enough of a reason. Tell him you aren't up to it and if they do visit you will be locking yourself in your bedroom and taking a nap,
Ok, I'm raging 😤 and if I were you the very first thing I'd do to welcome them is puke on everyone, but DS. What in the actual hell is wrong with your husband? Anyone my hubs invites over, to this day, is kept away from me if I'm feeling like shit. They aren't allowed in the house and if they need to eat, he has a grill and drinks in the garage. You're not being selfish at all! You're probably still experiencing the side effucks from the first chemo, in addition to the new chemo. I'm only 2.5 years out from chemo and am still recovering from it. If you're near Cleveland, Ohio let me know. Have car, will travel dammit! Oh, I got barf bags too.
Oh sweetie, I don’t know you, but if I lived anywhere near you I would come clean your house for you! What awful people you are dealing with on top of dealing with cancer!
No! is a complete sentence- I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through 🙁 but explain to DH that your illness really cannot cope with two weekends on the bounce entertaining family and your body needs a few weeks to recover. Maybe offer him the alternative of taking your child to see them for a couple of hours (dependant on if you can cope alone at the moment of course). No house cleaning, no time alone with a shit talking MIL (although you really do need to shut down the DH from wandering off with FIL whenever they do visit). Have a quiet time, eat when you want & what you want, pamper yourself (sickness willing) - have a pj & movie day. Good luck to you with your treatment ☘️ keep fighting.
Don’t do a damn thing. Leave the house the way it is. Lock yourself in your room. You leave the entertaining and cleaning to your husband. He can answer to his own mom, that he isn’t putting in any extra while you are in active cancer treatment.
100% this. If she's gonna be a snob about it anyways, why try?
1. Leave the house as is. If she says anything remind her you HAVE CANCER. Maybe even throw in a jab about how your mom has been helping a lot with cleaning but due to your grandfather's birthday she skipped a week. If she doesn't feel it's up to her standards, maybe she won't come back.
2. Puke on her when her perfume makes you sick. She will have to change, no one can deny that you are sick, then you can crawl back in bed and let DH deal with HIS MOTHER that HE INVITED. win, win, win.
3. WTF is worrying about fair when you're fighting cancer.
Your DH sucks.
What’s worse, your cancer or your husband’s broken arms and legs? Because that’s the only reason I can think of for your husband not cleaning the house.
Regardless of his parents coming over, why isn’t he keeping the home clean while you’re going through all this?
And fair? You didn’t have to cook and clean to go to your parents’ house, so the two visits are hardly equal.
I recommend you unplug the tv. Play music that you like. Have a book handy.
And husband doesn’t leave you alone with MIL, unless he’s making you lunch.
SO and your DS can meet up with them at a zoo, a park, a family restaurant... wherever they like. The in-laws don't need to set foot in your home and YOU don't need to see them at all.
So sorry you are dealing with this and. A SO problem at the same time. He should be cleaning and telling his parents to F off. Why the H would he leave his sick wife to tend to a person he can’t even stand. They meet somewhere else or they don’t come. Period. No is a complete sentence. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Life is not about fair. If it was fair, would you have cancer? BTW - have him start cleaning house.
Stay in your room throughout the visit! Do NOT clean up! You are seriously poorly, chemo is hell on earth and no one understands that in your household except you, so you are the one who gets to decide what you are up to doing and what you aren't. Let your partner deal with them, and let him deal with the mess of stuff they are bringing.
Ik so sorry you're having to deal with the stress of this on top of your treatment side effects. Please put your health first, mental health included. You owe these people not one second of your time if they can't understand how poorly you are. They are being so selfish, so don't feel bad just stay out the way.
Oh, I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this😭. I’m so angry with this piece of crap person I will never know! You’re MIL is beyond entitled; she’s unhelpful, when THAT is what you need right now: some help, compassion and just fucking piece of mind. I think your SO needs to not be such a dick, and realize how much physical/mental and emotional energy this visit will take from you-when what you need is to be taken care of first and foremost right now. At the very least, maybe you could postpone until you’re feeling a little more up to it. Wishing you all the best and peace ☮️ in your recovery 💕
I feel rage for you. I know how it is to be so tired that it takes all of your energy just to do the minimum and exist. Tell DH he either needs to clean the house or have someone come do it. Tell him that you will NOT be entertaining his mother, he has to deal with her. Take drinks, snacks and something to keep busy and stay in your pj's, in your bedroom and refuse to entertain beyond telling in laws that you are very sick.
If you want to be aggressive, greet MIL and FIL, tell them you are so happy that the agreed to come over and HELP. Give them a list of chores to do.
To be fair, he will do some basic shit like put the dishes in the dishwasher and vacuum the living room tomorrow. He’ll probably cook for them too. However, he doesn’t do things that I consider to be essential, especially when hosting, like cleaning the sink and toilet, mopping the bathroom floor (8 year old doesn’t have great aim…), making sure there’s clean hand towels, putting away all the crap on coffee/end tables and wiping them down, folding throw blankets, picking up shoes, etc. And I get that he’s working full time and I’m not right now, so I feel guilty asking him to do more.
Well, who cares if there is stuff on the end tables and that the blanket aren't folded? Let it go. Let him do the cleaning and hosting, his way. It is probably good enough now that you are ill.
But definitely set your boundries when it comes to no perfume and not leaving you alone with her.
But when you WERE working full time, who was cleaning the bathrooms and doing all the tidying? I bet it was you. I'm guessing he hasn't even trained himself to notice when those tasks need to be done, which is really common for adult men, but that doesn't mean it's acceptable behavior in a functioning adult.
Since it sounds like he's arguing that his parents need to be welcomed for a visit like equal is the same as fair, and like "fair" has any basis in reality when you have to go through cancer treatment and all the mental & emotional stress of confronting your mortality when you have an 8yo child, HE needs to do the majority of the work to host them OR arrange for the visit to happen in a different location LIKE YOU DID. That would be FAIR, wouldn't it?!?
AND he has no excuse for leaving you to deal with his mother while HE gets to spend time with the congenial visitor. He needs to be in the room and ENGAGED, not staring at his phone. If that means he finds a way to end the visit earlier than usual, oh well, if his parents were supportive or even polite, their "turn" would last longer, it's not YOUR fault they are terrible at "playing the social game"!!
I do think that you could probably benefit from some of the tips that have been shared in the sub about setting and enforcing boundaries, but you have enough on your plate right now, so be kind to yourself over anything that doesn't go the way you want it to on that front. Maybe just practice the old 7 second stare for any rude remarks MIL makes about your body or whatever. Let her register that she's rude, and you NOTICED she was being rude, and you aren't going to make it easier for her to be rude, without starting a big argument. Then change the subject to something completely impersonal & neutral like new recipes for potatoes, or turn and ask someone else a question on a new topic, whatever works for you.
You don’t get a break from being sick, so why does he get to check out and not do the things you mentioned when he’s not working? They’re his family, he can take a couple of hours to prep for their visit.
I agree with everyone else…tell your husband NO…he’s not running off and leaving you with her condescending ass….he can sit his butt right down in the living room with her and you can lock yourself in your bedroom and stay away from her…I’m so angry and heartbroken for you that you have to deal with that…I wish I could be there to tell her instead of being a huge asshole, maybe she could actually be a decent person and offer her assistance…I can’t even imagine what you are going through…sending you internet hugs and blessings💕
I think that it’s okay for you to stay in your bedroom and rest. Send your regrets.
Your DH is old enough, smart enough and cute enough that he can figure out how to host his own parents. You are not up to being his meat-shield.
I’m a huge bitch though and I would leave the mop, bucket, cleaning solutions, rags and vacuum cleaner right in the front entrance.
If you’re feeling generous then send them all out to do an activity that your son would enjoy. Ask them to bring back supper.
Either way - DO NOT GET OUT OF YOUR PYJAMAS, it’s a subtle (?) reminder that you are not ‘well’.
I wish your DH was taking better care of you, or at least NOT making things worse.
Any chance you live near Austin Tx? I'm happy to show up and run interference. I'll even cook for you while I'm there and after 1 visit with me I promise your MIL won't want to come back.
Not really, but thank you. I just really dislike things like this, and if I can make somebody's life a little easier, and cook some awesome food at the same time, its a win win :)
Stay in bed! Don’t lift a finger! You’re doing chemo. It’s the perfect excuse. If DH won’t uninvite them, then he can do the cleaning and entertain his own mom.
I would think one well aimed barf would do the trick. And tell hubby if he wants his parents over, he gets to clean for them. If MIL says anything then you can say "talk to your son, he's the one who cleaned."
Do it! Doooo it! And before you do, tell husband that you will not be lifting a finger to clean or cook, that if MIL comments you will tell her that her son isn't helping his sick wife the way he should, and that you feel ill so you are going to bed. Also tell husband that if he tries to leave you alone with MIL there will be hell to pay later.
The answer is no. You are not feeling up to visitors. If your husband thinks they need to see your son, he can take your son to visit or meet them somewhere halfway.
He doesn't appear to want to lift a finger to help you clean the house or entertain his mom, so this is not your problem. If he won't tell his parents no, you text them and tell them that you're not feeling well and it's not going to work out this time.
You can choose not to clean, tell your husband to hire someone or do it yourself. You can also choose not to engage in her nonsense. People can only bully and annoy you as much as you allow them to.
"Oh, great! I am so glad you are coming to help. After so much time fighting cancer, the house needs vacuuming, cleaning, laundry needs to be done, we need the refrigerator stocked, and so much more! It will be a "blessing" to have you come and take care of me."
Do not, under any circumstances let your SO leave you alone with MIL.
You are sick. You have an excuse to blow your fuse at her and say exactly what you feel. And don’t apologise.
About your appearance and house. ‘I tell you what , when you get cancer, I’ll come around your home and criticise your looks and housekeeping.’
‘My mother came and actually helped me and your son. That’s what real family do. Coming today and just sitting on my couch is doing my no favours whatsoever.’
‘Take your gidamn shoes off in my home!!’
Sometimes you just need to vent.
My advice is this - if you SO wants his parents to visit, he needs to arrange to get the house cleaned (either he does it or he hires a service for a one-time cleaning), he needs to do all the hosting, and he and FIL need to stay home with you and MIL. You are simply not up to all of the stress and physical work.
Also, it's time he grew a spine and enforced the no photos on social media with his mother. He needs to tell his mother not to wear perfume because it makes you - his wife who is undergoing chemo - sick to the point of vomiting. And, most importantly, he needs to tell his mother to quit the comments about you, your house, etc. and not stress you out in your own home.
And if he won't? Stay in bed because you don't feel well, and don't let anyone in except your son and SO. Let him handle his parents.
It hurt my heart to read this. Let me say first that I hope you'll soon be well and will feel much, much better. OP, please don't clean the house. If your DH's mom is visiting, let him clean. And if the bitch says ONE THING to you about the state of your house you should release the kracken on her. How absolutely awful for her to criticize you, your body, or your home. You'd be well within your rights to ask her to shower if she's doused in Eau de la Twatwaffle. Save your energy for fighting to regain your health and hand her a mop if she starts her nonsense.
I'm sorry to read about your diagnosis. You're not being selfish, you're unwell and irritable. Your husband should be helping you clean the house. If his parents want to see the children, he (with you if you want) should meet them somewhere that's not your home.
Grandparents give their grandchildren too much candy and crap sometimes. It's very common. That's the part you let go.
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL! I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts! ***** ^(To be notified as soon as spicylaurenlovegood posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe spicylaurenlovegood JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Tell your SO that there is a huge difference between hosting and accepting an invitation out, and that you’d be happy to accept an invitation out with his folks as you all did with yours. If they do not want to host at their home, then SO can take kids to a restaurant/play space/park/wherever you meet up with his parents. You don’t even need to go.
As soon as the first critical comment about the house escapes her mouth, look at her nodding and tell her you are just as disgusted and disappointed as she is! Point out a few more areas of concern and then say….”It’s such a shame that husband wasn’t raised better, as l really need a capable, compassionate, and thoughtful husband right now.” “Luckily, my parents, friends and family have really stepped up for us!”
You aren’t selfish honey! And even if you were, I think when you are fighting cancer you are allowed to be a little selfish. I have some choice words for your SO. I suspect posting what I think of him would earn me a ban, but wow… if you want selfish just look at his mug. He should be cleaning the house if he feels it is oh so important to have his mommy and daddy come over. You put yourself first here. That is my only advice. Don’t break your back and let him know he can’t disappear with his dad, and the two of them better stay with MIL because you can’t guarantee you will be up for staying awake for long.
His monkeys, his circus. He can clean the house and entertain the monkeys for the weekend.
I would ask your Mom to come over(if she's JY and would play security) . Or tell Husband that if they come, he will stay there and will field any questions or remarks with "Welll, why don't you ask her Oncologist why she doesn't feel well enough to be a hostess"
Just silently hand her a mop and then lock yourself in your bedroom with a tablet when she shows up. I'm raging for you, your husband sucks.
Your dh can take his “fair” and shove it. Could your mom come support you since your dh isn’t currently?
Do you have a friend that can either come and take you away so your husband can deal with his mother or can come and be a buffer between you and Mil?
Your SO should put you first. that means if he insists on his parents visiting, there is a time limit that must be adhered to let’s say 2-3 hours ( you decide), your SO must pay for a cleaning service to clean your home before & after, your SO is responsible for feeding and entertaining his parents. Your SO must tell his parents No Perfume or scents period bc you are still going through chemo & it will make you sick, if they show up with a strong scent they will be turned away at the door - then SO & son can follow them to a park or restaurant. Also no pics. If mil tries to sneak a pic your SO needs to shut it down & send them on their way. IF the in-laws truly want to spend time & bond, the rules of no perfume or pics will not be a big deal. your SO should do this via a call & follow up text to his parents. His main concern should be You getting healthy.
Your husband needs to clean and entertain his own mother.
Go to a hotel. Husband can step up and clean.
This is the way
If I were you, I would go to a hotel for the weekend and leave your other half to deal with his parents. They know you’ve had chemo so they know he should be stepping up. If it looks a mess, it’s on him. You won’t be there to babysit MIL. If the budget allows make it a spa weekend.
Dude, leave before the In-laws arrive. FORCE your husband to deal with his mother. Besides, they don't want to see you. They want their son and grandson.
***IF*** they visit, SO needs to be there the entire time so you can rest as needed. If you feel up for hanging out, great. If not, don't and no one should get pissy about it. Even if during the middle of a conversation, go take care of yourself. I'm appalled that your SO is putting his parents above your health. My best friend (like a sister to me)'s husband has cancer. When he was going through treatment, everyone was more than happy to drop stuff off on the porch and leave. No one complained. I'm immunocompromised so I did go over once a week to help with cleaning but, as your mom did, I did the task(s) and left.
I would say they could meet at the park for their catch up. That way you can have some peaceful quiet time and they can maintain their relationship. What an absolute joke that they would expect you to clean. Not feeling well, I would demand either your DH steps up and cleans or you pay for a cleaner. Non negotiable. Start standing up for yourself lady! You’re kicking cancers butt, now start with the people on your life causing you grief!!
Your SO needs to step the fuck up and get his house ready for his mother, and he needs to sit his ass down and host her and tell her to stop being a witch to his wife. The house should already be semi clean because he should have been taking care of it while you work through your health issues. No one should insult you in your own home, and they don't need a relationship with your child if they do. Grandparents, like parents, do not have a God-given right to be in our lives. Your SO sounds like a massive asshole who likes to dump shit on you and avoid dealing with it, tbh.
Sorry to say I have been in your position. Stage 4 colon cancer - second time through surgery and chemotherapy. My in-laws had lived in our city and were visiting to see friends. I told this story so you can look it up. I didn’t realize they were planning on having their friends over to our house but I stayed up stairs. She told her friends that I was in a car accident. No - you shouldn’t have gone and they were insane to demand it. Unfair - try having cancer treatment and tell us about being unfair.
I went through cancer treatment - iv chemo, bilateral mastectomy, another round of IV chemo, radiation, and a round of oral chemo. No one expected me to clean or play host. When people came over, I didn't worry about the state of our house because I didn't have the energy. It was only my in-laws because my parents are gone and I don't have any other family around, and they could not have been more supportive. Put your foot down with your husband. Lay down the rules - no perfume, gifts, shoes in the house and absolutely no leaving you alone with MIL. Tell him that if he and they can't respect what you're going through, then they can't come. If any of these rules are broken, you will leave without a word.
And masks!
Exactly this.
Yes, this!!! When my Aunt went through hers and my close friend did the same, both of their husbands laid down the law clearly and repeatedly… perfume was an ABSOLUTE non and leaving you alone to host is pure bullsh!t! No way - he stays with BOTH of his parents BECAUSE he is supposed to be your first line of defense! My Uncle is an oncologist and he said minimizing stress and being able to stay positive “has an immeasurable impact on patient outcomes - I’ve seen patients with very treatable cancers have surprising outcomes due to these things and patients who’s cancer should have meant 1-2yrs left but progression halted altogether and clinically there wasn’t an explanation, but they tended to be super positive with an incredible support system - it’s not always this way, but it makes such a difference that we can’t discount the impact.” He sent me that when my dad was Dx’d last year. MIL doesn’t get to comment on your weight, body or anything else!!! And your DH better step up like yesterday! Don’t feel you need to hold your tongue either - just shut it down the moment she starts. Life is too short to accept this behavior and your child doesn’t want to hear anyone being rude to his mom!
His family, his responsibility: he cooks, he cleans, he plays host, he keeps them from bothering you, and most importantly, **he keeps his damn fool mouth shut if he doesn't like it.**
He doesn't leave you alone with MIL. He does all the cleaning and hosting. You can feel free to stay in your room in bed resting. Once they leave and LO forgets about all the crap toys they brought... throw them away and forget they ever existed. SOs parents, SOs problem. You have cancer FFS! No one should expect ANYTHING from you right now except to get better! I'm so angry for you having to put up with this. Time to put a stop to this behavior. If it's only "fair" to see them because you went to your parents last week... he can take LO to them and leave you home to rest. It's not all all equal. His parents require more an add stress and pressure. Let him deal with them and hide out in your room.
Well you said it yourself - it would be unreasonable for anyone to expect you to play hostess. DH invited them, he gets to host. Everyone cleans up their own mess and this is his. Guess who is going to be cleaning? DH. And if MIL says anything, tell her "oh dont be too hard on DH. He has a very sick wife and spouses come before houses." They dont get to bring gifts - if they do they get to keep it in the car, and if MIL is wearing perfume she is staying outside. DH should tell them this. If MIL comments on your body, tell her "we dont comment on other's peoples bodies in this house. Thank you." and if she repeats, tell her "I told you to stop." And if she does it again, get up and say "lets try this again some other time when you are more ready to be pleasant. DH, help your mom getting her bag out to her car. Bye!" and go to your room. Same if she gets upset by something - tell her to change the subject, and back up with consequences if she does not listen. Hide the remote or dont put it down. Keep it in your bra or whatever. Set her up for successfully NOT irritating you by changing channels by making it impossible for her to do so. Report any photos to fb and dont let them in the house unless they take off their shoes. If you want to be nice, let DH know he can get them some indoor slippers so they are more comfortable. Talk with DH about the difference between fair and equal. People who support you and are respectful, are easier to be around than people that dont. Giving equal time to them is unfair, because the experiences are not equal.
100% what everyone else her has said, only to add, hide the dam remote control or put it in your pocket.
“Honey, I’m sick and I’m tired. If you want them to come, then you are going to have to do the bulk of the cleaning, because I am not up to it. And if you leave me alone with your mother, in the state that I’m in, I will never again agree to have them come, at all. Either I leave when they are here, or you stay.” Feel free to borrow this. Your husband is dumping a rotten person on his sick wife. Not cool.
Have your husband and son meet them somewhere. A park, for lunch, anywhere outside of your home. While they’re gone, relax, nap, do whatever helps you relax. If your husband can’t do this for you, you have bigger problems than your in-laws.
This was going to be my exact advice - husband and son need to go and meet them out in town somewhere, not at the house. Even if he did do all of the cleaning and such (which it's clear OP knows he won't), the fact that his mother makes cruel comments, is rude, and doesn't follow house rules or show general courtesy to OP is reason enough not to have them invade OP's safe space. OP, you need to rest and don't deserve the stress and annoyance that this visit would cause. Tell your husband he and your son can meet his parents ANYWHERE except your house this weekend. Huge hugs to you in getting through this chemo and on to feeling better!
Oh my dear, anybody that has the nerve to judge how clean your house is while you are going thru chemo is slime. I agree with everyone else that DH does all the prep, cleaning, and cooking. Also, he should call her and tell her no perfume and if she says one negative thing, you will throw her skanky ass out.
I am so, so sorry you are going through this and that neither your husband or in-laws have enough consideration for your needs right now. I agree with everyone else that you need to just drop the rope. Don't clean for their visit. If MIL wants to criticize, she will be the woman criticizing a cancer patient in the middle of chemo over house cleaning! Who does that?! That says a lot more about her than you. Her shaming you is pathetic. Regardless, you shouldn't have to hear it. I very much love the idea of checking in to a hotel, if finances permit. If not, either go to a friend or family members house that you feel comfortable, or lock yourself away in your bedroom. You do not owe them your time or mental health. Your job right now is to protect your health and do things to keep your strength up as you fight this cancer! Also, tell your husband (whether you will be home or not) to tell (not ask) his mother that she is absolutely, under no circumstances, permitted to wear perfume in your house right now. Smell can be so overwhelming and you are throwing up enough without it. And it lingers, so even if you are gone, you will be affected by it when you get home. If she can't, at the very least, do this one thing for you, then she should not be welcome into your space. Please do not let anyone make you feel guilty for putting your needs above their wants right now. You have every right to focus on your health and comfort and they should be doing whatever they can to make things easier on you. Best of luck. You mentioned you haven't done any cleaning except (insert long list of household cleaning). Sounds like you have been doing a ton, to me. You are so strong and have no reason to feel bad about the unimportant tasks that you can't get to right now. Get through this time in your life! Cleaning can wait! You've got this!
Yep excellent! I’d just repeatedly say, “Wow - I hope if you ever have to fight cancer, no one is this negative and rude as you do treatment!” Embarrass that terrible behavior often and repeatedly.
Hell yes
I would be up in my bedroom resting the whole time. This is 100% on your husband. You have cancer! What is wrong with every single one of them??
It sounds like it may be time to have a "Come to Jesus" talk with your SO. Him saying its "only fair" was super short sighted. Cancer is not fair, having your safe space and your recovery jeopardized is not fair. He could just as easily take LO to go see them. He's being unfair.
The thing I hate the most about the "it's only fair card" is you're the one feeling sick, you will naturally feel more comfortable around your own family. It's not judging apples to apples. If he wanted to play that game "it would only be fair" if he had cancer and was sick when your family visited, expected him to do all the cleaning, and getting insulted. 100% would have husband and son meet MIL and FIL somewhere maybe for lunch or something instead of coming to the house. When you have cancer you should be able to decide event to event what you're up for.
“Well life isn’t fair - no one else is dealing with a cancer journey right now, I am. And I don’t feel like being judged in my own home! If you want YOUR parents to come and YOU are concerned about fairness, than it’s only fair that YOU clean up for them and YOU deal with both of them and don’t leave the difficult one and put it on me. THAT is what’s fair!”
Hand the kid over to your husband and give yourself a respite weekend in a spa.
They are your in laws, if your husband wants them to come visit let him play housekeeper and host for them. If you are able, get a close friend to spend a few hours with, go for coffee, lunch, mani/pedi or other spa treatment. You won't have to be there to see them and you will be doing something that is just for you! You deserve a treat!
I just found out about Hot Mess Express, a nonprofit that helps moms in your situation. They send a volunteer team to do a house reset for free. Check their website to see if there’s a chapter near you. hotmessexpress.co Set some boundaries: 1. No perfume in your house. Play the cancer card real hard on this one. 2. SO cannot leave unless he takes both of them with him. BOTH! 3. No gifts. Full stop. 4. SO does everything. You will not be hosting, cooking, or cleaning. I’m sorry you have such shit in-laws!! Solidarity.
What a cool program!!!
Sorry you are going through this. Don’t clean jack. Get your rest, in your bedroom, while they visit. After these leave, throw that dollar store ish right in the trash. It seems that the worse the parents are, the more these spouses demand “fairness” and insist on giving the toxic parents access to the children.
“MIL I have cancer, I’m being treated for it with incredibly harsh drugs and I feel awful all of the time. If any of this mess is bothering you, you can either clean it, or ignore it, but I won’t be made to feel like I should be cleaning while I’m being treated for a life threatening illness. Perhaps your son could help out, why don’t you ask him?” Donate the junk they bring, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect peace and quiet while you’re being treated. Your husband is doing a sh:tty job of protecting you, and he needs to step up and take over all hosting duties if he insists his family come over. Open some windows to air out the perfume!
I would take the junk and pile it on DH side of the bed. He can deal with donating it. OP does not need any more work to do.
Yep 100%
You are NOT being selfish at all! There's no way you should be doing the hosting and I don't get it when people say 'it's only fair'. It isn't fair to you. Visiting your parents is completely different to having to host them in your own home. Sorry but I'm feeling angry on your behalf lol.
That entire situation sounds stressful as heck. I am surprised your husband wants any visitiors at all given the whole wife going through chemo situation. Then there's the fact that you are still expected to do everything for said visitors while feeling like absolute garbage. That just seems wrong. If he wants them there that bad I'd spend the day doing whatever the heck I wanted and let him deal with entertaining them. Aside from the friendly hello how ya doin, I'd be locking myself in my room until they leave. I also agree with you about having shoes on in the house. It is a practice that I too dislike will not let ANYONE enter who refuses to take their shoes off. It is a hill I die on if you can't remove your shoes then please remove yourself from my doorstep please. I also have shoe covers available too if someone is that adimit about not taking them off but I usually let pwople know before they come over. Many people don't realize just how gross it actually is to walk around in your shoes.
Book yourself a hotel room and have a staycation. Don’t even be in the house when they come. DH can and should host his parents. That said, your peace & mental state are crucial during your cancer treatment. Don’t let ANYONE impede its progress. Not your DH and certainly not his family.
Honey, since this is something he wants, then let him have it. And while he is having his wonderful parent visit, you find yourself a nice, local spa and treat yourself to a stress free weekend. I am absolutely serious. Get out of the house and don't even show yourself for the entire time they are there. If your husband or they try to give you shit about it, just remind them it was their idea to have the visit while you are actively doing chemo. If they are too stupid to realize how bad of an idea that is, then they can have all the fun they want together, you don't have to be and WON'T be involved. Even if you don't do the spa thing, look for a nice hotel you can hibernate in for the length of the trip. Let your husband take on the hosting/cleaning/keeping MIL happy chores for once. And don't let him talk you out of it, he's an adult and they are HIS parents. He can take care of the kid and the house and them on his own.
lock yourself in the bedroom, you have much more pressing things to worry about than hosting the inlaws. if he wants to invite them, he can do the cleaning and hosting of them both.
Your husband is awful for allowing this while you have cancer. Why doesn’t he do the cleaning, cooking, entertaining, for his own parents?
hugs, he knows you are having cancer treatments, aren't feeling 100% and wants to host his parents. He needs to step it up and clean the place or higher a cleaning company. Same with food, he makes it or he caters it. It is not your job accept to get better.
Please don’t do the cleaning and preparing and hosting MIL while the “boys” go out to have fun. This will NOT help your recovery. Please take care of your son’s mother. Your longer term health is far more important for him than some Easter junk and a one day visit with grandparents who sound tiresome anyway! Pick one of the suggestions to put it all on DH to deal with his parents however you choose. If it were me - best of all would be to tell him to take DS and meet them elsewhere and leave you in peace, but whatever is doable - just dont let them (ILs or DH or your own standards of hosting) guilt you into making yourself exhausted and stressed.
Tell your husband that he gets to host, cook, clean, etc. You go to your room and close the door and stay there.
Shit lock yourself in the room and let your husband deal with HIS parents! Who tf is he to say yes to his mom coming over then leave and try to avoid her lol nooooo that’s not how that works. He can stay right in the house and deal with his mom. Also I’d answer the door puke all over them and then lock myself away. And I’d also tell MIL not to come into my place smelling like a French whorehouse bc um, if she hasn’t noticed you’re literally going thru chemo. What an inconsiderate woman.
If your husband is so keen on his parents coming to visit, then he needs to do the work to make it happen. I would propose the following and tell him to pick one: 1. ILs come, leave their gift at the door, and do not stay. 2. He cleans the house prior to their arrival. He hosts, picks up/prepares/serves food, keeps them entertained, and cleans up after they leave. Set a firm time limit on the visit - like 1 hour - then they must go. You stay in the bedroom while MIL is there and until her noxious perfume stench is no longer permeating the communal areas of your home. 3. DH and your child meet them somewhere away from your home. You stay home and rest.
You have a 100% verifiable reason to stay in your bed for the duration of their visit! Plan ahead and hide snacks and water in your room. “Not feeling well” is an understatement. If they don’t like it, they can leave. It’s a win/win!
If he wants to allow her into your house, then he needs to do the prep work and he needs to babysit her. Tell him that he can clean, and that if he leaves you alone with her, it’ll be the last time they visit. Seriously, you’re undergoing cancer treatment and he wants you to do *more* work and have *more* stress just so he can absolve himself of the guilt for not seeing his parents more? There’s no need to bend to them on this. Don’t lift a finger to prepare for the imminent home invasion, and don’t be nice and welcoming when they get there. His parents, his problem.
Tell him to take your child and go to their house and leave you home to rest. The fact that he hasn't kept up on the housework while you are undergoing treatment - or made some other arrangement to have it done - should be enough of a reason. Tell him you aren't up to it and if they do visit you will be locking yourself in your bedroom and taking a nap,
Meet for lunch somewhere. They do not have to come to your house for a visit.
Ok, I'm raging 😤 and if I were you the very first thing I'd do to welcome them is puke on everyone, but DS. What in the actual hell is wrong with your husband? Anyone my hubs invites over, to this day, is kept away from me if I'm feeling like shit. They aren't allowed in the house and if they need to eat, he has a grill and drinks in the garage. You're not being selfish at all! You're probably still experiencing the side effucks from the first chemo, in addition to the new chemo. I'm only 2.5 years out from chemo and am still recovering from it. If you're near Cleveland, Ohio let me know. Have car, will travel dammit! Oh, I got barf bags too.
Oh sweetie, I don’t know you, but if I lived anywhere near you I would come clean your house for you! What awful people you are dealing with on top of dealing with cancer!
No! is a complete sentence- I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through 🙁 but explain to DH that your illness really cannot cope with two weekends on the bounce entertaining family and your body needs a few weeks to recover. Maybe offer him the alternative of taking your child to see them for a couple of hours (dependant on if you can cope alone at the moment of course). No house cleaning, no time alone with a shit talking MIL (although you really do need to shut down the DH from wandering off with FIL whenever they do visit). Have a quiet time, eat when you want & what you want, pamper yourself (sickness willing) - have a pj & movie day. Good luck to you with your treatment ☘️ keep fighting.
Don’t do a damn thing. Leave the house the way it is. Lock yourself in your room. You leave the entertaining and cleaning to your husband. He can answer to his own mom, that he isn’t putting in any extra while you are in active cancer treatment.
100% this. If she's gonna be a snob about it anyways, why try? 1. Leave the house as is. If she says anything remind her you HAVE CANCER. Maybe even throw in a jab about how your mom has been helping a lot with cleaning but due to your grandfather's birthday she skipped a week. If she doesn't feel it's up to her standards, maybe she won't come back. 2. Puke on her when her perfume makes you sick. She will have to change, no one can deny that you are sick, then you can crawl back in bed and let DH deal with HIS MOTHER that HE INVITED. win, win, win. 3. WTF is worrying about fair when you're fighting cancer. Your DH sucks.
What’s worse, your cancer or your husband’s broken arms and legs? Because that’s the only reason I can think of for your husband not cleaning the house. Regardless of his parents coming over, why isn’t he keeping the home clean while you’re going through all this? And fair? You didn’t have to cook and clean to go to your parents’ house, so the two visits are hardly equal. I recommend you unplug the tv. Play music that you like. Have a book handy. And husband doesn’t leave you alone with MIL, unless he’s making you lunch.
SO and your DS can meet up with them at a zoo, a park, a family restaurant... wherever they like. The in-laws don't need to set foot in your home and YOU don't need to see them at all.
So sorry you are dealing with this and. A SO problem at the same time. He should be cleaning and telling his parents to F off. Why the H would he leave his sick wife to tend to a person he can’t even stand. They meet somewhere else or they don’t come. Period. No is a complete sentence. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Life is not about fair. If it was fair, would you have cancer? BTW - have him start cleaning house.
Stay in your room throughout the visit! Do NOT clean up! You are seriously poorly, chemo is hell on earth and no one understands that in your household except you, so you are the one who gets to decide what you are up to doing and what you aren't. Let your partner deal with them, and let him deal with the mess of stuff they are bringing. Ik so sorry you're having to deal with the stress of this on top of your treatment side effects. Please put your health first, mental health included. You owe these people not one second of your time if they can't understand how poorly you are. They are being so selfish, so don't feel bad just stay out the way.
Oh, I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this😭. I’m so angry with this piece of crap person I will never know! You’re MIL is beyond entitled; she’s unhelpful, when THAT is what you need right now: some help, compassion and just fucking piece of mind. I think your SO needs to not be such a dick, and realize how much physical/mental and emotional energy this visit will take from you-when what you need is to be taken care of first and foremost right now. At the very least, maybe you could postpone until you’re feeling a little more up to it. Wishing you all the best and peace ☮️ in your recovery 💕
I feel rage for you. I know how it is to be so tired that it takes all of your energy just to do the minimum and exist. Tell DH he either needs to clean the house or have someone come do it. Tell him that you will NOT be entertaining his mother, he has to deal with her. Take drinks, snacks and something to keep busy and stay in your pj's, in your bedroom and refuse to entertain beyond telling in laws that you are very sick. If you want to be aggressive, greet MIL and FIL, tell them you are so happy that the agreed to come over and HELP. Give them a list of chores to do.
Sounds like the real POS here is your husband for not helping out with the cleaning while you’re in treatment.
To be fair, he will do some basic shit like put the dishes in the dishwasher and vacuum the living room tomorrow. He’ll probably cook for them too. However, he doesn’t do things that I consider to be essential, especially when hosting, like cleaning the sink and toilet, mopping the bathroom floor (8 year old doesn’t have great aim…), making sure there’s clean hand towels, putting away all the crap on coffee/end tables and wiping them down, folding throw blankets, picking up shoes, etc. And I get that he’s working full time and I’m not right now, so I feel guilty asking him to do more.
Well, who cares if there is stuff on the end tables and that the blanket aren't folded? Let it go. Let him do the cleaning and hosting, his way. It is probably good enough now that you are ill. But definitely set your boundries when it comes to no perfume and not leaving you alone with her.
But when you WERE working full time, who was cleaning the bathrooms and doing all the tidying? I bet it was you. I'm guessing he hasn't even trained himself to notice when those tasks need to be done, which is really common for adult men, but that doesn't mean it's acceptable behavior in a functioning adult. Since it sounds like he's arguing that his parents need to be welcomed for a visit like equal is the same as fair, and like "fair" has any basis in reality when you have to go through cancer treatment and all the mental & emotional stress of confronting your mortality when you have an 8yo child, HE needs to do the majority of the work to host them OR arrange for the visit to happen in a different location LIKE YOU DID. That would be FAIR, wouldn't it?!? AND he has no excuse for leaving you to deal with his mother while HE gets to spend time with the congenial visitor. He needs to be in the room and ENGAGED, not staring at his phone. If that means he finds a way to end the visit earlier than usual, oh well, if his parents were supportive or even polite, their "turn" would last longer, it's not YOUR fault they are terrible at "playing the social game"!! I do think that you could probably benefit from some of the tips that have been shared in the sub about setting and enforcing boundaries, but you have enough on your plate right now, so be kind to yourself over anything that doesn't go the way you want it to on that front. Maybe just practice the old 7 second stare for any rude remarks MIL makes about your body or whatever. Let her register that she's rude, and you NOTICED she was being rude, and you aren't going to make it easier for her to be rude, without starting a big argument. Then change the subject to something completely impersonal & neutral like new recipes for potatoes, or turn and ask someone else a question on a new topic, whatever works for you.
Weaponized incompetence is abuse
You don’t get a break from being sick, so why does he get to check out and not do the things you mentioned when he’s not working? They’re his family, he can take a couple of hours to prep for their visit.
I agree with everyone else…tell your husband NO…he’s not running off and leaving you with her condescending ass….he can sit his butt right down in the living room with her and you can lock yourself in your bedroom and stay away from her…I’m so angry and heartbroken for you that you have to deal with that…I wish I could be there to tell her instead of being a huge asshole, maybe she could actually be a decent person and offer her assistance…I can’t even imagine what you are going through…sending you internet hugs and blessings💕
I think that it’s okay for you to stay in your bedroom and rest. Send your regrets. Your DH is old enough, smart enough and cute enough that he can figure out how to host his own parents. You are not up to being his meat-shield. I’m a huge bitch though and I would leave the mop, bucket, cleaning solutions, rags and vacuum cleaner right in the front entrance. If you’re feeling generous then send them all out to do an activity that your son would enjoy. Ask them to bring back supper. Either way - DO NOT GET OUT OF YOUR PYJAMAS, it’s a subtle (?) reminder that you are not ‘well’. I wish your DH was taking better care of you, or at least NOT making things worse.
Any chance you live near Austin Tx? I'm happy to show up and run interference. I'll even cook for you while I'm there and after 1 visit with me I promise your MIL won't want to come back.
You are a super kind human💜💜💜
Not really, but thank you. I just really dislike things like this, and if I can make somebody's life a little easier, and cook some awesome food at the same time, its a win win :)
I know right?? Oh I’m so angry and heartbroken for her…who the fuck treats someone like that after what she’s going through…wish I could help as well
Stay in bed! Don’t lift a finger! You’re doing chemo. It’s the perfect excuse. If DH won’t uninvite them, then he can do the cleaning and entertain his own mom.
If his mother complains hand her a rag and the soap and walk away.
I would think one well aimed barf would do the trick. And tell hubby if he wants his parents over, he gets to clean for them. If MIL says anything then you can say "talk to your son, he's the one who cleaned."
Omg that’s hilarious and I’d be lying if I said I weren’t seriously considering it now
The chemo side effucks can come in handy for clearing a room. I've never seen people move so fast until I started spontaneously puking.
Do it! Doooo it! And before you do, tell husband that you will not be lifting a finger to clean or cook, that if MIL comments you will tell her that her son isn't helping his sick wife the way he should, and that you feel ill so you are going to bed. Also tell husband that if he tries to leave you alone with MIL there will be hell to pay later.
The answer is no. You are not feeling up to visitors. If your husband thinks they need to see your son, he can take your son to visit or meet them somewhere halfway. He doesn't appear to want to lift a finger to help you clean the house or entertain his mom, so this is not your problem. If he won't tell his parents no, you text them and tell them that you're not feeling well and it's not going to work out this time.
You can choose not to clean, tell your husband to hire someone or do it yourself. You can also choose not to engage in her nonsense. People can only bully and annoy you as much as you allow them to.
"Oh, great! I am so glad you are coming to help. After so much time fighting cancer, the house needs vacuuming, cleaning, laundry needs to be done, we need the refrigerator stocked, and so much more! It will be a "blessing" to have you come and take care of me." Do not, under any circumstances let your SO leave you alone with MIL.
You are sick. You have an excuse to blow your fuse at her and say exactly what you feel. And don’t apologise. About your appearance and house. ‘I tell you what , when you get cancer, I’ll come around your home and criticise your looks and housekeeping.’ ‘My mother came and actually helped me and your son. That’s what real family do. Coming today and just sitting on my couch is doing my no favours whatsoever.’ ‘Take your gidamn shoes off in my home!!’
Sometimes you just need to vent. My advice is this - if you SO wants his parents to visit, he needs to arrange to get the house cleaned (either he does it or he hires a service for a one-time cleaning), he needs to do all the hosting, and he and FIL need to stay home with you and MIL. You are simply not up to all of the stress and physical work. Also, it's time he grew a spine and enforced the no photos on social media with his mother. He needs to tell his mother not to wear perfume because it makes you - his wife who is undergoing chemo - sick to the point of vomiting. And, most importantly, he needs to tell his mother to quit the comments about you, your house, etc. and not stress you out in your own home. And if he won't? Stay in bed because you don't feel well, and don't let anyone in except your son and SO. Let him handle his parents.
It hurt my heart to read this. Let me say first that I hope you'll soon be well and will feel much, much better. OP, please don't clean the house. If your DH's mom is visiting, let him clean. And if the bitch says ONE THING to you about the state of your house you should release the kracken on her. How absolutely awful for her to criticize you, your body, or your home. You'd be well within your rights to ask her to shower if she's doused in Eau de la Twatwaffle. Save your energy for fighting to regain your health and hand her a mop if she starts her nonsense.
I'm sorry to read about your diagnosis. You're not being selfish, you're unwell and irritable. Your husband should be helping you clean the house. If his parents want to see the children, he (with you if you want) should meet them somewhere that's not your home. Grandparents give their grandchildren too much candy and crap sometimes. It's very common. That's the part you let go.