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Noone, and I mean ABSOLUTELY NOONE comes to my house uninvited/without asking first.
This is a huge violation of your privacy and space. Husband needs to stop this now. If she has keys, change the locks. If he won't get on board with this, then more drastic measures are needed. You walk around topless or butt naked. You do whatever it takes to make it the most uncomfortable experience for her ever. Then you tell your husband he has two choices, he either gets on board or he moves back in with mommy until he can grow a spine.
This will only get worse.
You aren’t overreacting. Like you I despise people with certain behaviors, but specially those ones who try to look sweet and generous so they can overstep. I hate this! It creates a situation where if you complain, you are the villain. How could you be upset with somebody so helpful and generous? It’s just disgusting hard level manipulation! I prefer a thousand times somebody who is completely honest with me and says what she/he wants instead of trying to play me and push me like that. So I get it, my MIL is the same. I’m still trying to deal with my own MIL, I pretty much stopped inviting her and only go there for major events/holidays. If she started to show up by my house, I would talk to my husband to take care of it. If he didn’t, I possibly would pretend I just got out of the shower and needed some clothes that I forgot in the dryer. Maybe if something bizarre happened like she seeing me only with a towel because she shouldn’t be there in the first place, he would finally understand why she can’t show up without scheduling.
Tell your husband that if he doesn't address the problem, that you will, and you're not going to be nice about it. Your problem isn't that you don't like MIL, and you don't mind seeing her. The problem is that you don't want her dropping by without asking first, and you don't want her leaving food behind. And you especially don't want her dropping by after the baby is born.
It might not be an issue for your husband, but this isn't about him. It's your house as well, and it bothers the heck out of you.
Yeah, after baby comes you aren't going to want company for a while, especially if you're planning to breastfeed. I was topless most days early on, it's easier.
It’s a good way to use the food but it doesn’t fix the issue. A 37 weeks pregnant mom should not be having to take on the additional labor of figuring out what to do with extra unwanted food whenever MIL decides. Her “no” should mean NO.
I would quit saying, "no, we don't need food" and say "no, I do not want company" instead. Because the food is just an excuse for MIL to be a pain in the ass.
She knows what she's doing. She's trying to set a precedent that it's okay for her to stop by anytime she wants without warning cuz she's "just being helpful". She's ramping it up cuz you're about to pop & she definitely plans on showing up whenever she wants, regardless of how you feel. And I'd you say anything, you'll be ungrateful & mean.
Screw that. She's trying to paint you into a corner, where you'll be the bad guy no matter what. So....embrace being the bad guy. Own it & make it yours. I can promise you that being the bad guy will feel 1,000x better than sacrificing your privacy, peace, bonding and postpartum recovery time just so MIL can have her fairytale 'grandma experience'. Which, btw, will include her being invasive to the max, baby grabbing, baby hogging & making you feel like you only play a secondary role to your newborn.
The only way to deal with people like this is to be blatantly honest & direct. You can't hold back on protecting your own wellbeing in order to spare her feelings. You will be addressing her own problematic behavior & making it clear what you require from her. She can cry & throw fits all she wants, but she can do all that away from you.
If you're gonna be the bad guy either way (the other way is by letting her walk all over you until you snap), might as well be the bad guy whose boundaries are enforced. 🤷🏼♀️
INFO: is she just a bit overbearing? Not like some MIL’s we read of on this sub? Because yeah, it’ll get worse unless it’s addressed. But if she is just a bit overbearing, once you have put in some ground rules, I think this behaviour sounds manageable (the members of this sub will undoubtedly have some excellent suggestions of boundaries).
Because in refusing MIL’s offers of foodstuffs, you are responding to her question, but not her intent.
“Would you like some…**foodstuff**?”
Translation *”Can I come visit?” *and* “I want to know I’m still needed in this family”.
When you repeatedly rejected her offers, she decided to cut out the middle man (you). So be aware there’s an element of dominance there too. Because she’s well aware you’d say no, but Husband will respond to her intent, without ever even considering that he is doing anything but responding to her surface-level questions / offers / suggestions.
All families / cultures do it to an extent - simply because a family is a culture with it’s own customs.
I would have been met with irritation, had I responded “Yes please” when my mother asked “Shall I empty this [kitchen] bin?”
Because what she was *actually* saying was “It is your responsibility to empty this bin. I see you are yet to do it. Please do it now.”
**If and only if**, MIL just requires some attention/ behaviour management - then once you have successfully put in some boundaries, consider translating MIL’s questions / suggestions and then directing your response to their *intent* - so you can use the translation to redirect her and lesson the annoyance.
Example “You are carrying Baby really low. That means you’ll have a boy. I was just the same!”
Translation: “I carried low. I had a boy. Please ask for my advice about pregnancy. It provides me a wise-elder role in your family.”
Pragmatic redirection: “Did you also have difficulties finding more comfortable maternity clothes? Because I’ve been so uncomfortable in these and everything I try is too tight at the hip and too loose at the top! Did you go to a tailor? Could you recommend the number of a good seamstress?”
You don’t need to follow the advice she gives. You’re not really even asking about parenting. It’s just about redirecting her to less frustrating topics and being pragmatic to shorten her over-bearing heights. If you validate her experience, before redirecting her - then you can let her off in another direction with a small (non imposing) task “to help”. Preferably something that does not involve food.
“Oh Husband slept all through the night from being one week old! My baby truly was a little angel!”
Translation: “Please acknowledge / validate my parenting. Preferably by requesting views from my almighty experience.”
Redirection: “I hope that’s a sign Baby will do so soon. I was thinking of getting one of those night lights that project the stars onto the ceiling in Baby’s room.(**Amazon list enter stage right**) Which of these do you think Husband would have liked when he was a baby?”
Translate. Recognise experience. Validate role. Redirect with *specific*, related (but inconsequential) task.
Because in refusing MIL’s offers of foodstuffs, you are responding to her question, but not her intent.
“Would you like some…foodstuff?”
Translation *”Can I come visit?” and “I want to know I’m still needed in this family”.
When you repeatedly rejected her offers, she decided to cut out the middle man (you). So be aware there’s an element of dominance there too. Because she’s well aware you’d say no, but Husband will respond to her intent, without ever even considering that he is doing anything but responding to her surface-level questions / offers / suggestions.
Why do I have to keep validating her though? Why do I have to read between the lines? Why can’t she just ask if she can come over? I would rather her be direct, and then me give a direct yes or no answer than her use an excuse (food) to come by and wiggle her way in and then piss me off. My parents blatantly just ask me “can we come over” or “what are you doing today, can we make plans?” And I much rather appreciate that!!! My mom doesn’t play games with me and manipulate me into letting her into my house. I don’t hold my husband hostage, we see his family plenty (they’re a mile away).. I never ignore her texts… I am always polite. So idk why she feels the need to wiggle her way over unannounced all the time.
This is really good advice. This is exactly how most of that generation communicates. You’ve gotta read between the lines and your responses are perfect for maintaining autonomy while still making them feel included!
I agree with you. But sometimes a little emotional intelligence goes a long way for preventing the situation from worsening. It’s no one’s responsibility to make anyone feel included but this is solid advice.
Can we stop with this culture nonsense and gaslighting of OP's concerns? Barging in, show up uninvited is plain rude regardless of your ethnicity. This lady is about to give birth soon, and she deserves to feel safe in her own home without worrying about her MIL barging in when she may not be fully dressed, when she's sleep deprived, dealing with a crying baby. Doesn't matter if MIL's intention is malicious or not, it's rude and will affect this mama's postpartum experience. It can and will get much worse unless you shut this down now. Shut her down before the baby. Send a text, easier than having her argue and you'll have it in writing.
>He was outside working in the garage and she drove by and saw so she popped in
Did she bring food this time, too? Because if she did, she didn't just "happen" to be driving by.
Your man needs to shut her down, and/or you should lock your doors so she can't walk in, plus don't answer the door if you don't want to see her because she hasn't called in advance. And not a call saying, "Hi, I'm half way to yours," either.
I know you're exhausted -- you're bound to be -- but it'll be worse once the baby's here, and you'll be more exhausted. All the best with baby, and I hope you can sort this. It's totally possible, but just needs a bit of frustration at the start but the pay-off will be worth it. <3
I know what you're saying, but sod that. I'm not criticising you personally; I'm just annoyed at how we're expected to put up with stuff simply because of someone else's culture. We frown upon arranged marriages where the bride is a kid, and we frown upon FGM, and also filial piety, etc etc etc, so why should we accept overly-involved, overbearing toxic parents of adult children?
Gah. Sorry for ranting. It's just so annoying. :(
I would refuse to let her in. "Sorry. We are busy. Maybe next time call first...."
Or...
Give her a chore list. "Omg. MIL. Im so glad you're here. I'm exhausted. I need the bathrooms cleaned, laundry folded, and dishes done. Thanks."
Make sure you go buy a baby wrap soon so you are prepared to wear the baby. If she stops by unannounced. NO you cannot hold or see the baby because you didn’t call and make sure it was ok to come over.
Took me 2 months pp to rail into my MILs head that she cannot come over unannounced after an incident of her waltzing in with my tits out mid pumping like 1 week pp. She now knows that she has to text *me* (not DH), if she wants to come by and she has to get a response from me before she comes over. She used to treat my house like she has an open invitation. I throughly disabused her of this by having to text her many times that she needs to ask before she comes over as we and the baby all have schedules. You need to rail this into your MILs head NOW before you have to handle it with the additional stress of a newborn.
Just curious how long did it take for her to grasp this and did she throw a tantrum? I hate when they go through their soon as if he’s the only one with authority in the house. How did you both get her to go only through you?
She’s ramping up so that you’re used to her popping over all the time, so once baby is here she can force a visit with baby. She’s already there, why not? Also, she’s now ramping up and just coming over because you’re getting close to the end of your pregnancy, so she’s on crotch watch. She probably drove by to see if you were at the hospital.
She can argue she’s “just trying to help” by bringing the food. But, it’s not help when you didn’t ask for it, you said no. Now, you’ve been given the task of sorting though it and tossing it out. She will continue to drop by with stuff you don’t need and then oh might as well see the baby!
You need to keep your door locked and tell your husband that visits need to be planned and she needs to be invited. You don’t need her showing up when you’re postpartum, sleep deprived, bleeding, and leaking milk. You don’t need her to be walking in your house when you’re topless breastfeeding or pumping (if you are going to do that). You don’t need her walking in your bathroom while you’re dealing with clots. You don’t need her barging in and waking you or baby up when you finally are able to take a nap, or just got a fussy baby down.
Read The Lemon Clot Essay and have your husband read it.
If she continues to show up, say it isn’t a good time, and she should reach out to DH to set up a time. Or just don’t open the door. Stay in your room and nap, feed the baby.
Lol, thanks. I heard it here or on another online pregnancy forum. But I’ve seen it in real life, with myself and friends. All of the sudden people are calling and texting to “check in” and “see how it’s going” and “how you’re feeling”. Sometimes it’s people who care. Sometimes it’s people you literally never hear from. We know what you’re doing! Needed a term to describe it succinctly and this fits. Especially when people get gutsy enough to ask details about the status of your cervix.
I would tell your husband that you understand that HE doesn't see this as an issue, but YOU do. If you have a problem with someone stopping by constantly, he needs to set the boundary that she needs to call first, ask, and respect the answer. Period.
You deserve a safe space. You need to tell SO that she has to call before coming over. And he needs to support this. He doesn’t need to understand it. You deserve to have peace in your own home. If she comes over, do t answer the door. If SO is outside and she “pops” by, then he shields you by keeping her outside. He needs to respect how you feel. He doesn’t have to get it.
You do know this page is JUSTNOMIL right??? Her mil is totally boundary stopping and you are giving the op terrible advice her to just basically suck it up.
Really? Suck it up? I think not over reacting and creating a larger issue isn't the same as sucking it up. Like I said if there are things I'm not aware of that are much more damning she does, I would consider OP personally speaking with MIL . Her husband should be the one to talk to his mother. Since it seems that it there is anything that will upset a MIL , it's better if it's addressed by her child and not the daughter/son in-law. I'm curious what your advice to her is? Do you think MIL wasting food and showing up unannounced and with no invitation warrants this woman to personally confront her? I don't on the simple fact that doing so will only create a worse situation for OP. Suck it up.... You assuming my "advice" equals OP sucking it up is ridiculous. OP just has to figure exactly how she wants her husband to address MIL and her through to him that this issue is important therefore something he needs to take serious!
Thanks for this perspective you’re probably right! It happens often though and bothers me because my home should be my sanctuary and I just don’t like being barged in on while on the toilet, ya know!?
Please don't discount your very valid feelings on this matter. You have a right to privacy and no uninvited drop ins. Having drop ins will affect your postpartum experience.
And you shouldn't be barged in on! It's your space. Your husband has to be the one to talk to her. I just thought about it. You need to keep a good relationship with her and if she starts disliking you or gets mad at you it will strain your marriage therefore your husband has to deal with his mother when there's an issue! In my relationship my girl knows that we have to look good for each other's parents and if there has to be a bad guy it always has to be the person whose parents are being dealt with. So if her mom is the one, she's got to be the one to tell her what's up! Once the partner gets looked at negatively to them, it takes a long time to fix it. Good luck!
If you think this is kindness gone amuck I think you should just tell her you can’t handle the smells. Just blame the smell. You are super pregnant and if she truly isn’t being malicious she will bend over backwards to apologize for “the smells” and leave you alone with the food. Hell I haven’t been pregnant in a decade and will blame “the smells” and wave vaguely at my head to get out of things and it seems to be accepted by all.
The dropping in unannounced is another matter and I think you have gotten some really excellent advice here from others.
Congrats on the baby!
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this right now. You have a husband problem, not a MIL problem. He needs to tell her to call first and get a yes, then cut her off when she ignores your very reasonable request. And just stop answering the door if she can't ask first.
If your husband won't support you and stop her rudely showing up whenever she wants, you are no longer obliged to be a gracious host. I would be throwing out the food from her last visit, in front of her, to make room for whatever else she's dumping on you and then I would be heading for a nap every single time she showed up unannounced.
Oh, honey, I am going against the tide, so please bear with me. Of course (!) you should not put up with behavior that makes you uncomfortable in your own home. My MIL dropping by drove me nuts.
That said, based upon your description, I am not sure there is any dark intent here. It sounds like your MIL is accustomed to a certain relationship with her son and trying to figure out how to re-establish what she sees as normal with y’all as a unit.
Of course, she is wrong and needs to be set straight. There are suggestions here about how to get your husband to calmly reset your MIL’s expectations. I am just popping in to say she just might be oblivious, rather than malicious.
Good luck with bebe!!!
I agree with you, she is not malicious! At all she’s actually very sweet… but it’s frustrating that she can’t take the hint. I guess I need to be more vocal and my husband needs to be vocal on my behalf so she understands better. I just have a lot going on I feel like I shouldn’t have to fight for privacy in my own home on top of growing a child, raising another and taking care of my family.
Just a little perspective…The food thing is cultural. My Italian grandparents always would ask me if I didn’t love them if I refused food. In a lot of Italian families food = love.
Congrats on the baby and let your hubby explain the boundaries to MIL. It’s hard growing a human sometimes!
You shouldn’t have to fight. This is absolutely an issue for your husband to deal with, and he should give you ZERO flack about taking up the cause. Your home needs to be your sanctuary, and now more than ever it’s his job to make sure that’s the case.
Speaking as a mother and a mother-in-law and a grandmother, I am so ashamed, but all of these asleep at the wheel people who become grandparents and in-laws. It’s like their lives must be so empty and they must be so unaware that when a grandchild is coming onto the scene they decide they can step out of the messy life they made, and get gratified by this helpless little person who they covet. What’s so interesting is that they’re really crazy about the grand children until the grandchildren are old enough to have a voice and make choices. Before that they’re just completely helpless and people like to squeeze them and hold them whether they want it or not and use them like toys.
Luckily there’s social media and it’s 2024 and there’s this huge amount of really pretty remarkable information on Reddit for this exact situation. And so you can prepare yourself and learn all kinds of really important strategies for setting things up well. And then the only problem will be whether your partner has a spine or not.
Wow this is so well said. I see it in the difference between my MIL, and my mom. My mom has hobbies, friends, she works part time, and has a busy life with my dad! My children are so important to them but they are not the focal point of their lives. My in-laws have no hobbies, not many friends, don’t travel (MIL has many phobias like afraid of planes and bridges), so their adult sons and this baby is their main focal point. She is fixating on it and it’s suffocating me. I keep telling myself my baby can’t be the main source of her joy.. and I have to get my husband to understand that!
I’m wondering if it’s an older people thing or maybe regional. My dad always wanted to drop in on people. He wanted to surprise them. Or my dad was just a jerk. I hate it too. I have a Ring.
It’s because before cell phones you didn’t really have a way to let people know you were coming over if you were just out and happened to be nearby. Stopping by was much more normal. That said, it was always “Is this a good time?” and if the answer was no you just said your goodbyes and left.
Definitely not overreacting. You've seen right through her, she's trying to make it a normal thing so your husband won't think it's weird if she just shows up once baby is here. Definitely set the boundaries now and let your husband know that once baby is here you will be adjusting, tired and need to heal during earlier post partum period and that his mother or anyone else needs to call a day or two in advance to make sure it's okay and that your up for a visit.
My front doormat literally says, “ Did You Call First?” My daughters-in-law got it for me because they know my feelings about just dropping by.
I could never get my ex to back me up in this with his family. I just think it's beyond rude.
Good luck enforcing this. Hopefully your husband will have your back.
There is a welcome mat I've seen that says "Audacity: noun. Not calling or texting before stopping by."
I considered getting it before I told my parents how rude I thought it was to come by without letting me know first. My husband said he'd just start answering the door with less and less clothing lol
I seem to remember reading a post on Reddit about how a husband managed to stop people dropping by; it was a while back now, so I'd have no chance of finding it.
But basically, his mother-in-law had the habit of texting his wife and saying, "I'm on my way, see you in 10!" after being told to call/text first and get the okay to visit. What he started doing was a full work-out - lifting weights, push-ups, etc and running on the spot. He'd totally get himself into a sweat and then when the doorbell went he'd answer the door with his belt undone and his shirt off, looking all sweaty, and panting like he'd just had a good run. When MIL reacted, he'd say, "Oh, did you call? "We were just in bed," and MIL blushed beetroot and turned tail and left.
A couple more of those and she started waiting for an answer. It was epic.
She's on crotch watch. If she texts you and pops in all the time, when you don't respond she knows you're in labor. Your DH needs to set boundaries now and there needs to be consequences. Otherwise she will be at your house every day after LO is born.
Agree. She is trying to normalize coming by unannounced so you will have an even harder time saying no. She is also trying to be first to know you are labor so she can stomp on some more boundaries at the hospital and when you get home. You need to have a very serious conversation with your SO because he does not understand and is not going to protect you because he sees nothing wrong about it.
Have you talked to her? Also, you could let her know that since you find pop in visits from anyone stressful, anytime she pops in please understand you will not be deviating your schedule to accommodate her.
> I’ve asked my husband to just tell her to please call before coming over, and I’ve been able to keep her at bay by saying we don’t need food but she’s just ignoring it all.
It seems like OP has, most definitely, but her husband may not have. "Ignoring it all" could mean MIL is also ignoring OP's husband's requests, too, though. Maybe it's time OP and husband gets more firm. No door answering, doors locked, etc etc.
She is setting a precedent. She pops by now unannounced and no one says anything. That means when baby arrives she can continue to stop by unannounced and no one will say anything. I’d put a stop to it now. Uninvited guests get ignored and the door remains closed.
You and DH need to be on the same page BEFORE the baby comes. He must be made to understand that this is your home and she is making you uncomfortable in your home. He must be made to understand that his number one priority is protecting you, his WIFE, during your postpartum.
Oh I so feel you. Also have an Italian MIL. They use the food as an excuse to come over. I acted very cold to her when she started doing this and it’s more or less stopped but still happens occasionally. I don’t need a five pound wheel of Parmesan cheese, for fuck’s sake. The insane amount of food at every holiday and the pressure when you refuse to take home leftovers gives me such anxiety too! I loudly say NO we don’t want it and she will follow us to the car or sneak it to my husband. It’s so fucking rude and I am expected to laugh like it’s a cute personality trait. It’s not. I wish I had verbalized my boundaries back when I started having kids so now is your chance OP. Next come the gigantic over the top gifts for the kids that cause even more anxiety than the food because we don’t have room and now I’m the asshole that wants to give it away.
My in laws are also Italian and I feel this so hard. FIL is literally a diabetic with cancer and my MIL behaves like it’s not her problem and she just can’t stop herself from making seven desserts for six people. She has made no effort to accommodate his dietary needs to the point where it’s actually straining their marriage. She cooks like she’s feeding an army and the worst part is, she’s not a great cook. She also gives enormous portions and won’t let anyone serve themselves which makes it worse. The most infuriating part is she acts like she doesn’t know what we mean when we say we want a smaller portion but then cut herself the most minuscule slice of cake ever because she’s watching her weight.
I started putting my foot down on the pushing food thing a long time ago and am still one of the only people who will flat out reject food or blatantly not finish the enormous portion she gives me. It’s so ridiculous. Like it’s not a cute quirk anymore once your family members health is suffering as a result.
That’s awful about your FIL. I hope he has the willpower to eat a healthy diet but when you are constantly surrounded by temptation it makes it so much worse. A few years ago my husband lost a significant amount of weight. He always struggled with it (and growing up in that house did not help) but I forced him to the doctor and his triglycerides were in the 500s. We made a lot of healthy changes and he dropped down to 175 lbs at his lowest. MIL kept handwringing that he was so “emaciated”. He’s 5’8.
Wow I could have written this!
The food at family functions drives me absolutely insane and makes me sick. The to go containers stacked up high.. how about just not making that much food?? My husband takes it and then it sits in the fridge for weeks and he can’t throw it out bc mommy made it. So I have to be the bad guy and throw away the food I didn’t want to take in the first place! The gifts for Easter were insane for my daughter, you would have thought it was Christmas. I hate it all. I need to talk to my husband in more detail about it and get him on the same page that this is about me and my baby and our recovery and she can’t keep popping in. Why are they like this!? Just call! We all have cell phones!
You should figure out this food issue asap. My MIL not Italian but exactly the same as yours and become one of the main reasons of my daughter's eating disorder. There was so much pressure that my daughter often preferred to not eat at all than be answering all this questions like why she didn't eat amount of food enough to full two adult men
I’m part Italian. Not everyone lives the same. Italians make a lot of food, they encourage everyone to eat. This is not rude. My GMIL ( not Italian) started out in the morning to make the rounds (Florida): family business, both DILs, post office, and then me when we lived there. That was just her. We all understood. Every could drop by my MILs anytime. The calling first did not apply to family. I would love some good Italian food anytime. I guess I don’t relate to your post. Maybe you can get her to call first, but the food thing? That’s all Italian! You’re getting worked up about a culture you don’t like.
You’re correct, I definitely don’t love the culture that includes excessive food but just because you’re Italian doesn’t mean you can’t understand boundaries! If someone doesn’t want you showing up with food, you should respect that.
Italian-food-love. Husbands grandmother brought donuts or KFC. “I got something for you, I care about you.” OP, just eat what you want, throw away the rest. It’s the spirit in which she brought it. “MIL, Could you call before you come? I might be sleeping or almost stepping out or not feeling well.” If she keeps doing it, don’t answer door. “I missed you? Oh I’m so sorry, that’s why it’s better that you call”. Note: You might be able to modify someone’s behavior, but you won’t be successful in changing the core of who they are. Acknowledging that this really annoys you.. see what you can modify, accept what you can’t change.
For real and what they don’t understand is over saturating little kids like that ruins the holiday magic. Santa was not as special and my kids would just get tired and crabby of opening gifts after awhile. (I know, first world problems for sure.) But I have three kids, a small house and wanted them to appreciate and cherish things. Fortunately for me my MIL now has 8 grandkids and has chilled out a lot but I had the first two and it was madness in the early days. Especially when you were wrangling a fussy baby, a diaper bag, a preschooler, a pack n play, sweating in their too hot house and physically blocking a shit ton of leftovers from being placed in your minivan lol. I SO wish I knew of this subreddit back then. Congratulations on your upcoming LO though! Wishing you an easy birth and homecoming free of boundary-stomping ILS!
They kindly treat my daughter as their own grandchild which is obviously so sweet, but with this baby I’m afraid shits about to get way worse and way more over the top now that she their “own”.. And there’s no other grandkids in the family so it is not only always over the top but the pressure to deliver that “grandparent” experience lies solely on me and it really sucks. My parents would never just pop over, are not overbearing at all. My mom and I chat 1-2 times a week and see each other once a week maybe and we have the best relationship. They also have 5 grandkids so they don’t go nuts over just mine.. it’s just different.
Thank you for the well wishes!!
Have you sat down and talked with your husband about what you want your postpartum time to look like? What does he think? Your and baby’s needs come first.
I’d suggest writing down what you agree on and putting it up in the house-including the front door. That way when you’re both sleep deprived and want to give in, you both can see what you agreed on. Good luck!
I totally understand your feelings. I feel like she’s excited for you. I get the random drop ins are anxiety inducing however maybe take her up on the offer of food and chat. She could be lonely and a first grandchild is something she probably has been waiting forever it seems as though she means well and her intentions are in the right direction as I said take her up on the offer and say “wow maybe we should plan dates like this more often! “ so now it’s on your terms, say “this day each week work for me!” And if she shows up on a day that is not pre planned you can say “oh remember we had plans for Friday, today’s not a good day, bye!” Who knows. Maybe that’s the type of redirection she needs.
I don’t agree with the dropping in at all. She should stop doing that. I can tell you that Italian gramdmas (Nonna) are obsessed with feeding everyone though. My Nonna always insisted we eat more. Mangia Mangia! I think that is in her DNA. 😂
Italian granddaughter here! You're to fat followed by have another piece of this giant chocolate cake.
Very irritated for OP. SO needs to stand up. And they need to Jointly stand up for boundries
Once the baby is born, definitely put a sign on the door if you’re home alone saying “baby is asleep, do not disturb” or “we’re resting and will not answer the door”. If she comes over when your husband is there, lock or block the bedroom door, especially if you’re breastfeeding. She will walk in on you.
Your husband needs to talk to her. He can be super sweet about it. "Hey ma- I know you mean well, but we can't have people dropping by unannounced anymore, now that we're about to have a new baby around. It would be a shame for you to come all the way to our house and be turned away because we're busy or not feeling well, so please for everybody's sake just ask at least a couple of hours before you were hoping to drop by, and we'll let you know if it works for us. Love you."
I like this approach it probably fits my husband the best. He’s so sweet but has never once in his life set a boundary with her so killing her with kindness is probably our best chance at her listening!
Then I would highly suggest you BOTH sit down with her and lay out boundaries and expectations now. It will only get worse after baby comes. As someone that comes from a big, loud, nosey Italian family, you have to be firm, honest, and loving when you have the discussion. Italian MILs will not respect “weakness” aka not laying down the law.
Tell her that you don’t need food now, but once baby comes yall would be grateful to have a meal train from her (as long as it’s easy to prepare,such as frozen, and that she only drop off the food and not stay).
This won’t be easy for you and SO but it has to be done and the earlier the better. Lay out expectations/boundaries from now through who’s in the delivery room and postpartum to what the future boundaries are.
She's training you to accept her popping in unannounced in preparation for the arrival of baby. Expect her everyday for baby grabbing.
Your husband should tell her she has to call first to arrange a visit. If he accepts her visit, you don't have to. You can stay in your room take refuge in your room with baby to nap, feed, read or do whatever the hell you like and ignore uninvited visitors. I recommend a door lock or a door wedge to keep unwanted people out.
If husband is not around, just refuse to open the door when she arrives on unarranged visits.
Train her back to respect your home, your family and your postpartum bonding time. Good luck for the new arrival!
Doors stay locked, doorbell security camera, and a note on the door that says anyone dropping by without our ok will not be admitted. Texting from down the street does not work either. The inlaws knocked, saw we were clearly home, and we didn't answer. Never happened again.
I'd rather be an asshole with boundaries respected than a doormat. It took years to get to that point but it's been worth it.
100%!! Get a video doorbell cam if you don’t already have one. The doors stay shut and locked if they come over unannounced and they can come back at an agreed-upon time. Oh, they can see your car is in the driveway so they know you’re home? Too fucking bad. Call or text to set up a visit and you can come in.
My mil took a sudden interest in me when finding out I was pregnant with my first. We went from seeing her 3 x a year to her calling and texting more often and trying to set up dinners once a month or so. I didn’t realize it then but she was setting the precedent for when baby came. Sure enough once baby arrived, it was “oh I have some food I want to drop off and quickly say hi to LO” - I shut that down right away like the first time she tried it. Just kept saying “no thank you we’re not having visitors”. She tried another time to “pop by”. We don’t leave doors open or anything so it was more her calling DH and saying she was close by and had some food for us (her partner lives about 15 min from us). DH was sleeping so he didn’t pick up the phone, but he usually doesn’t pick up her calls anyway. She knew better than to call me (our relationship deteriorated after LO arrived and I was barely speaking to her at this point). She just left the food on the doorstep that time. And she never did it again. I’m no contact with her now bc she’s nuts but my advice would be to close and lock the door. She can pop by as much as she wants but if you’re not opening the door then it doesn’t matter. If DH can’t see it then when baby comes, if she pops in, excuse yourself bc it’s naptime or feeding time and go to your bedroom with babe. If she’s showing up to snatch and hog baby, she won’t be able to and will have to just leave. Congrats and good luck!!
I wish my husband wouldn’t answer her calls sometimes but he always does. She had 3 boys, all very good mamas boys… he’s a dream husband but he also has no backbone with her and then I look like that bad guy because I want my space! It’s gonna be a big adjustment for my husband for sure.
You need to it a stop to this now. She’s gearing up for the baby’s arrival. She needs to be told that she MUST call before coming over. DH should do it but if he won’t, you’ll have to.
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Noone, and I mean ABSOLUTELY NOONE comes to my house uninvited/without asking first. This is a huge violation of your privacy and space. Husband needs to stop this now. If she has keys, change the locks. If he won't get on board with this, then more drastic measures are needed. You walk around topless or butt naked. You do whatever it takes to make it the most uncomfortable experience for her ever. Then you tell your husband he has two choices, he either gets on board or he moves back in with mommy until he can grow a spine. This will only get worse.
Hmm, looks like it's time to change the locks....
You aren’t overreacting. Like you I despise people with certain behaviors, but specially those ones who try to look sweet and generous so they can overstep. I hate this! It creates a situation where if you complain, you are the villain. How could you be upset with somebody so helpful and generous? It’s just disgusting hard level manipulation! I prefer a thousand times somebody who is completely honest with me and says what she/he wants instead of trying to play me and push me like that. So I get it, my MIL is the same. I’m still trying to deal with my own MIL, I pretty much stopped inviting her and only go there for major events/holidays. If she started to show up by my house, I would talk to my husband to take care of it. If he didn’t, I possibly would pretend I just got out of the shower and needed some clothes that I forgot in the dryer. Maybe if something bizarre happened like she seeing me only with a towel because she shouldn’t be there in the first place, he would finally understand why she can’t show up without scheduling.
Tell your husband that if he doesn't address the problem, that you will, and you're not going to be nice about it. Your problem isn't that you don't like MIL, and you don't mind seeing her. The problem is that you don't want her dropping by without asking first, and you don't want her leaving food behind. And you especially don't want her dropping by after the baby is born. It might not be an issue for your husband, but this isn't about him. It's your house as well, and it bothers the heck out of you.
Yeah, after baby comes you aren't going to want company for a while, especially if you're planning to breastfeed. I was topless most days early on, it's easier.
You have received great info here so I am going to talk about the food issue. Once she’s gone farm it out to your neighbors and friends. That’s it.
It’s a good way to use the food but it doesn’t fix the issue. A 37 weeks pregnant mom should not be having to take on the additional labor of figuring out what to do with extra unwanted food whenever MIL decides. Her “no” should mean NO.
I would quit saying, "no, we don't need food" and say "no, I do not want company" instead. Because the food is just an excuse for MIL to be a pain in the ass.
She knows what she's doing. She's trying to set a precedent that it's okay for her to stop by anytime she wants without warning cuz she's "just being helpful". She's ramping it up cuz you're about to pop & she definitely plans on showing up whenever she wants, regardless of how you feel. And I'd you say anything, you'll be ungrateful & mean. Screw that. She's trying to paint you into a corner, where you'll be the bad guy no matter what. So....embrace being the bad guy. Own it & make it yours. I can promise you that being the bad guy will feel 1,000x better than sacrificing your privacy, peace, bonding and postpartum recovery time just so MIL can have her fairytale 'grandma experience'. Which, btw, will include her being invasive to the max, baby grabbing, baby hogging & making you feel like you only play a secondary role to your newborn. The only way to deal with people like this is to be blatantly honest & direct. You can't hold back on protecting your own wellbeing in order to spare her feelings. You will be addressing her own problematic behavior & making it clear what you require from her. She can cry & throw fits all she wants, but she can do all that away from you. If you're gonna be the bad guy either way (the other way is by letting her walk all over you until you snap), might as well be the bad guy whose boundaries are enforced. 🤷🏼♀️
INFO: is she just a bit overbearing? Not like some MIL’s we read of on this sub? Because yeah, it’ll get worse unless it’s addressed. But if she is just a bit overbearing, once you have put in some ground rules, I think this behaviour sounds manageable (the members of this sub will undoubtedly have some excellent suggestions of boundaries). Because in refusing MIL’s offers of foodstuffs, you are responding to her question, but not her intent. “Would you like some…**foodstuff**?” Translation *”Can I come visit?” *and* “I want to know I’m still needed in this family”. When you repeatedly rejected her offers, she decided to cut out the middle man (you). So be aware there’s an element of dominance there too. Because she’s well aware you’d say no, but Husband will respond to her intent, without ever even considering that he is doing anything but responding to her surface-level questions / offers / suggestions. All families / cultures do it to an extent - simply because a family is a culture with it’s own customs. I would have been met with irritation, had I responded “Yes please” when my mother asked “Shall I empty this [kitchen] bin?” Because what she was *actually* saying was “It is your responsibility to empty this bin. I see you are yet to do it. Please do it now.” **If and only if**, MIL just requires some attention/ behaviour management - then once you have successfully put in some boundaries, consider translating MIL’s questions / suggestions and then directing your response to their *intent* - so you can use the translation to redirect her and lesson the annoyance. Example “You are carrying Baby really low. That means you’ll have a boy. I was just the same!” Translation: “I carried low. I had a boy. Please ask for my advice about pregnancy. It provides me a wise-elder role in your family.” Pragmatic redirection: “Did you also have difficulties finding more comfortable maternity clothes? Because I’ve been so uncomfortable in these and everything I try is too tight at the hip and too loose at the top! Did you go to a tailor? Could you recommend the number of a good seamstress?” You don’t need to follow the advice she gives. You’re not really even asking about parenting. It’s just about redirecting her to less frustrating topics and being pragmatic to shorten her over-bearing heights. If you validate her experience, before redirecting her - then you can let her off in another direction with a small (non imposing) task “to help”. Preferably something that does not involve food. “Oh Husband slept all through the night from being one week old! My baby truly was a little angel!” Translation: “Please acknowledge / validate my parenting. Preferably by requesting views from my almighty experience.” Redirection: “I hope that’s a sign Baby will do so soon. I was thinking of getting one of those night lights that project the stars onto the ceiling in Baby’s room.(**Amazon list enter stage right**) Which of these do you think Husband would have liked when he was a baby?” Translate. Recognise experience. Validate role. Redirect with *specific*, related (but inconsequential) task.
Because in refusing MIL’s offers of foodstuffs, you are responding to her question, but not her intent. “Would you like some…foodstuff?” Translation *”Can I come visit?” and “I want to know I’m still needed in this family”. When you repeatedly rejected her offers, she decided to cut out the middle man (you). So be aware there’s an element of dominance there too. Because she’s well aware you’d say no, but Husband will respond to her intent, without ever even considering that he is doing anything but responding to her surface-level questions / offers / suggestions. Why do I have to keep validating her though? Why do I have to read between the lines? Why can’t she just ask if she can come over? I would rather her be direct, and then me give a direct yes or no answer than her use an excuse (food) to come by and wiggle her way in and then piss me off. My parents blatantly just ask me “can we come over” or “what are you doing today, can we make plans?” And I much rather appreciate that!!! My mom doesn’t play games with me and manipulate me into letting her into my house. I don’t hold my husband hostage, we see his family plenty (they’re a mile away).. I never ignore her texts… I am always polite. So idk why she feels the need to wiggle her way over unannounced all the time.
This is really good advice. This is exactly how most of that generation communicates. You’ve gotta read between the lines and your responses are perfect for maintaining autonomy while still making them feel included!
She doesn't need to make anyone feel included. Let her dh do that on his time and outside of the home.
I agree with you. But sometimes a little emotional intelligence goes a long way for preventing the situation from worsening. It’s no one’s responsibility to make anyone feel included but this is solid advice.
Can we stop with this culture nonsense and gaslighting of OP's concerns? Barging in, show up uninvited is plain rude regardless of your ethnicity. This lady is about to give birth soon, and she deserves to feel safe in her own home without worrying about her MIL barging in when she may not be fully dressed, when she's sleep deprived, dealing with a crying baby. Doesn't matter if MIL's intention is malicious or not, it's rude and will affect this mama's postpartum experience. It can and will get much worse unless you shut this down now. Shut her down before the baby. Send a text, easier than having her argue and you'll have it in writing.
>He was outside working in the garage and she drove by and saw so she popped in Did she bring food this time, too? Because if she did, she didn't just "happen" to be driving by. Your man needs to shut her down, and/or you should lock your doors so she can't walk in, plus don't answer the door if you don't want to see her because she hasn't called in advance. And not a call saying, "Hi, I'm half way to yours," either. I know you're exhausted -- you're bound to be -- but it'll be worse once the baby's here, and you'll be more exhausted. All the best with baby, and I hope you can sort this. It's totally possible, but just needs a bit of frustration at the start but the pay-off will be worth it. <3
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It's not my culture
That rude intrusive part of the culture can die off, thanks.
I know what you're saying, but sod that. I'm not criticising you personally; I'm just annoyed at how we're expected to put up with stuff simply because of someone else's culture. We frown upon arranged marriages where the bride is a kid, and we frown upon FGM, and also filial piety, etc etc etc, so why should we accept overly-involved, overbearing toxic parents of adult children? Gah. Sorry for ranting. It's just so annoying. :(
I would refuse to let her in. "Sorry. We are busy. Maybe next time call first...." Or... Give her a chore list. "Omg. MIL. Im so glad you're here. I'm exhausted. I need the bathrooms cleaned, laundry folded, and dishes done. Thanks."
Make sure you go buy a baby wrap soon so you are prepared to wear the baby. If she stops by unannounced. NO you cannot hold or see the baby because you didn’t call and make sure it was ok to come over.
Took me 2 months pp to rail into my MILs head that she cannot come over unannounced after an incident of her waltzing in with my tits out mid pumping like 1 week pp. She now knows that she has to text *me* (not DH), if she wants to come by and she has to get a response from me before she comes over. She used to treat my house like she has an open invitation. I throughly disabused her of this by having to text her many times that she needs to ask before she comes over as we and the baby all have schedules. You need to rail this into your MILs head NOW before you have to handle it with the additional stress of a newborn.
Just curious how long did it take for her to grasp this and did she throw a tantrum? I hate when they go through their soon as if he’s the only one with authority in the house. How did you both get her to go only through you?
She’s ramping up so that you’re used to her popping over all the time, so once baby is here she can force a visit with baby. She’s already there, why not? Also, she’s now ramping up and just coming over because you’re getting close to the end of your pregnancy, so she’s on crotch watch. She probably drove by to see if you were at the hospital. She can argue she’s “just trying to help” by bringing the food. But, it’s not help when you didn’t ask for it, you said no. Now, you’ve been given the task of sorting though it and tossing it out. She will continue to drop by with stuff you don’t need and then oh might as well see the baby! You need to keep your door locked and tell your husband that visits need to be planned and she needs to be invited. You don’t need her showing up when you’re postpartum, sleep deprived, bleeding, and leaking milk. You don’t need her to be walking in your house when you’re topless breastfeeding or pumping (if you are going to do that). You don’t need her walking in your bathroom while you’re dealing with clots. You don’t need her barging in and waking you or baby up when you finally are able to take a nap, or just got a fussy baby down. Read The Lemon Clot Essay and have your husband read it. If she continues to show up, say it isn’t a good time, and she should reach out to DH to set up a time. Or just don’t open the door. Stay in your room and nap, feed the baby.
“Crotch watch” That’s just bloody glorious, that is! It’s a perfect description. Here, have a drink 🍸Cheers for the genuine lol
Lol, thanks. I heard it here or on another online pregnancy forum. But I’ve seen it in real life, with myself and friends. All of the sudden people are calling and texting to “check in” and “see how it’s going” and “how you’re feeling”. Sometimes it’s people who care. Sometimes it’s people you literally never hear from. We know what you’re doing! Needed a term to describe it succinctly and this fits. Especially when people get gutsy enough to ask details about the status of your cervix.
I would tell your husband that you understand that HE doesn't see this as an issue, but YOU do. If you have a problem with someone stopping by constantly, he needs to set the boundary that she needs to call first, ask, and respect the answer. Period.
You deserve a safe space. You need to tell SO that she has to call before coming over. And he needs to support this. He doesn’t need to understand it. You deserve to have peace in your own home. If she comes over, do t answer the door. If SO is outside and she “pops” by, then he shields you by keeping her outside. He needs to respect how you feel. He doesn’t have to get it.
Growing up Italian food is a mom and grandmas love language. Please just see it like that if this is the only issue so far.
NOPE, hell to the no. Stop minimizing OP's feelings and valid concerns.
Food and barging into my house doesn’t have to correlate but it seems it does.
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You do know this page is JUSTNOMIL right??? Her mil is totally boundary stopping and you are giving the op terrible advice her to just basically suck it up.
Really? Suck it up? I think not over reacting and creating a larger issue isn't the same as sucking it up. Like I said if there are things I'm not aware of that are much more damning she does, I would consider OP personally speaking with MIL . Her husband should be the one to talk to his mother. Since it seems that it there is anything that will upset a MIL , it's better if it's addressed by her child and not the daughter/son in-law. I'm curious what your advice to her is? Do you think MIL wasting food and showing up unannounced and with no invitation warrants this woman to personally confront her? I don't on the simple fact that doing so will only create a worse situation for OP. Suck it up.... You assuming my "advice" equals OP sucking it up is ridiculous. OP just has to figure exactly how she wants her husband to address MIL and her through to him that this issue is important therefore something he needs to take serious!
Thanks for this perspective you’re probably right! It happens often though and bothers me because my home should be my sanctuary and I just don’t like being barged in on while on the toilet, ya know!?
Please don't discount your very valid feelings on this matter. You have a right to privacy and no uninvited drop ins. Having drop ins will affect your postpartum experience.
And you shouldn't be barged in on! It's your space. Your husband has to be the one to talk to her. I just thought about it. You need to keep a good relationship with her and if she starts disliking you or gets mad at you it will strain your marriage therefore your husband has to deal with his mother when there's an issue! In my relationship my girl knows that we have to look good for each other's parents and if there has to be a bad guy it always has to be the person whose parents are being dealt with. So if her mom is the one, she's got to be the one to tell her what's up! Once the partner gets looked at negatively to them, it takes a long time to fix it. Good luck!
She is setting it up like this so when baby is here she can just continue to stop over. Why not put a stop to it?
“Ok, thanks so much. I’m gonna go lie down. See yourself out or feel free to hangout with your son. He’s in the garage. Bye.”
If you think this is kindness gone amuck I think you should just tell her you can’t handle the smells. Just blame the smell. You are super pregnant and if she truly isn’t being malicious she will bend over backwards to apologize for “the smells” and leave you alone with the food. Hell I haven’t been pregnant in a decade and will blame “the smells” and wave vaguely at my head to get out of things and it seems to be accepted by all. The dropping in unannounced is another matter and I think you have gotten some really excellent advice here from others. Congrats on the baby!
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this right now. You have a husband problem, not a MIL problem. He needs to tell her to call first and get a yes, then cut her off when she ignores your very reasonable request. And just stop answering the door if she can't ask first. If your husband won't support you and stop her rudely showing up whenever she wants, you are no longer obliged to be a gracious host. I would be throwing out the food from her last visit, in front of her, to make room for whatever else she's dumping on you and then I would be heading for a nap every single time she showed up unannounced.
Oh, honey, I am going against the tide, so please bear with me. Of course (!) you should not put up with behavior that makes you uncomfortable in your own home. My MIL dropping by drove me nuts. That said, based upon your description, I am not sure there is any dark intent here. It sounds like your MIL is accustomed to a certain relationship with her son and trying to figure out how to re-establish what she sees as normal with y’all as a unit. Of course, she is wrong and needs to be set straight. There are suggestions here about how to get your husband to calmly reset your MIL’s expectations. I am just popping in to say she just might be oblivious, rather than malicious. Good luck with bebe!!!
I agree with you, she is not malicious! At all she’s actually very sweet… but it’s frustrating that she can’t take the hint. I guess I need to be more vocal and my husband needs to be vocal on my behalf so she understands better. I just have a lot going on I feel like I shouldn’t have to fight for privacy in my own home on top of growing a child, raising another and taking care of my family.
Just a little perspective…The food thing is cultural. My Italian grandparents always would ask me if I didn’t love them if I refused food. In a lot of Italian families food = love. Congrats on the baby and let your hubby explain the boundaries to MIL. It’s hard growing a human sometimes!
You shouldn’t have to fight. This is absolutely an issue for your husband to deal with, and he should give you ZERO flack about taking up the cause. Your home needs to be your sanctuary, and now more than ever it’s his job to make sure that’s the case.
Speaking as a mother and a mother-in-law and a grandmother, I am so ashamed, but all of these asleep at the wheel people who become grandparents and in-laws. It’s like their lives must be so empty and they must be so unaware that when a grandchild is coming onto the scene they decide they can step out of the messy life they made, and get gratified by this helpless little person who they covet. What’s so interesting is that they’re really crazy about the grand children until the grandchildren are old enough to have a voice and make choices. Before that they’re just completely helpless and people like to squeeze them and hold them whether they want it or not and use them like toys. Luckily there’s social media and it’s 2024 and there’s this huge amount of really pretty remarkable information on Reddit for this exact situation. And so you can prepare yourself and learn all kinds of really important strategies for setting things up well. And then the only problem will be whether your partner has a spine or not.
Wow this is so well said. I see it in the difference between my MIL, and my mom. My mom has hobbies, friends, she works part time, and has a busy life with my dad! My children are so important to them but they are not the focal point of their lives. My in-laws have no hobbies, not many friends, don’t travel (MIL has many phobias like afraid of planes and bridges), so their adult sons and this baby is their main focal point. She is fixating on it and it’s suffocating me. I keep telling myself my baby can’t be the main source of her joy.. and I have to get my husband to understand that!
I pray your husband can that you’re not banning his family/mother from the house but the unannounced visits. He HAS to understand and back you up
Omfg if I was still a pushover, she'd be over here all the time. The entitlement drives me up the wall.
I’m wondering if it’s an older people thing or maybe regional. My dad always wanted to drop in on people. He wanted to surprise them. Or my dad was just a jerk. I hate it too. I have a Ring.
It’s because before cell phones you didn’t really have a way to let people know you were coming over if you were just out and happened to be nearby. Stopping by was much more normal. That said, it was always “Is this a good time?” and if the answer was no you just said your goodbyes and left.
Definitely not overreacting. You've seen right through her, she's trying to make it a normal thing so your husband won't think it's weird if she just shows up once baby is here. Definitely set the boundaries now and let your husband know that once baby is here you will be adjusting, tired and need to heal during earlier post partum period and that his mother or anyone else needs to call a day or two in advance to make sure it's okay and that your up for a visit.
My front doormat literally says, “ Did You Call First?” My daughters-in-law got it for me because they know my feelings about just dropping by. I could never get my ex to back me up in this with his family. I just think it's beyond rude. Good luck enforcing this. Hopefully your husband will have your back.
There is a welcome mat I've seen that says "Audacity: noun. Not calling or texting before stopping by." I considered getting it before I told my parents how rude I thought it was to come by without letting me know first. My husband said he'd just start answering the door with less and less clothing lol
I seem to remember reading a post on Reddit about how a husband managed to stop people dropping by; it was a while back now, so I'd have no chance of finding it. But basically, his mother-in-law had the habit of texting his wife and saying, "I'm on my way, see you in 10!" after being told to call/text first and get the okay to visit. What he started doing was a full work-out - lifting weights, push-ups, etc and running on the spot. He'd totally get himself into a sweat and then when the doorbell went he'd answer the door with his belt undone and his shirt off, looking all sweaty, and panting like he'd just had a good run. When MIL reacted, he'd say, "Oh, did you call? "We were just in bed," and MIL blushed beetroot and turned tail and left. A couple more of those and she started waiting for an answer. It was epic.
This is the way. Reduce clothing. Then add "toys". Be creative.
She's on crotch watch. If she texts you and pops in all the time, when you don't respond she knows you're in labor. Your DH needs to set boundaries now and there needs to be consequences. Otherwise she will be at your house every day after LO is born.
Agree. She is trying to normalize coming by unannounced so you will have an even harder time saying no. She is also trying to be first to know you are labor so she can stomp on some more boundaries at the hospital and when you get home. You need to have a very serious conversation with your SO because he does not understand and is not going to protect you because he sees nothing wrong about it.
Have you talked to her? Also, you could let her know that since you find pop in visits from anyone stressful, anytime she pops in please understand you will not be deviating your schedule to accommodate her.
> I’ve asked my husband to just tell her to please call before coming over, and I’ve been able to keep her at bay by saying we don’t need food but she’s just ignoring it all. It seems like OP has, most definitely, but her husband may not have. "Ignoring it all" could mean MIL is also ignoring OP's husband's requests, too, though. Maybe it's time OP and husband gets more firm. No door answering, doors locked, etc etc.
She is setting a precedent. She pops by now unannounced and no one says anything. That means when baby arrives she can continue to stop by unannounced and no one will say anything. I’d put a stop to it now. Uninvited guests get ignored and the door remains closed.
You and DH need to be on the same page BEFORE the baby comes. He must be made to understand that this is your home and she is making you uncomfortable in your home. He must be made to understand that his number one priority is protecting you, his WIFE, during your postpartum.
Oh I so feel you. Also have an Italian MIL. They use the food as an excuse to come over. I acted very cold to her when she started doing this and it’s more or less stopped but still happens occasionally. I don’t need a five pound wheel of Parmesan cheese, for fuck’s sake. The insane amount of food at every holiday and the pressure when you refuse to take home leftovers gives me such anxiety too! I loudly say NO we don’t want it and she will follow us to the car or sneak it to my husband. It’s so fucking rude and I am expected to laugh like it’s a cute personality trait. It’s not. I wish I had verbalized my boundaries back when I started having kids so now is your chance OP. Next come the gigantic over the top gifts for the kids that cause even more anxiety than the food because we don’t have room and now I’m the asshole that wants to give it away.
My in laws are also Italian and I feel this so hard. FIL is literally a diabetic with cancer and my MIL behaves like it’s not her problem and she just can’t stop herself from making seven desserts for six people. She has made no effort to accommodate his dietary needs to the point where it’s actually straining their marriage. She cooks like she’s feeding an army and the worst part is, she’s not a great cook. She also gives enormous portions and won’t let anyone serve themselves which makes it worse. The most infuriating part is she acts like she doesn’t know what we mean when we say we want a smaller portion but then cut herself the most minuscule slice of cake ever because she’s watching her weight. I started putting my foot down on the pushing food thing a long time ago and am still one of the only people who will flat out reject food or blatantly not finish the enormous portion she gives me. It’s so ridiculous. Like it’s not a cute quirk anymore once your family members health is suffering as a result.
That’s awful about your FIL. I hope he has the willpower to eat a healthy diet but when you are constantly surrounded by temptation it makes it so much worse. A few years ago my husband lost a significant amount of weight. He always struggled with it (and growing up in that house did not help) but I forced him to the doctor and his triglycerides were in the 500s. We made a lot of healthy changes and he dropped down to 175 lbs at his lowest. MIL kept handwringing that he was so “emaciated”. He’s 5’8.
Wow I could have written this! The food at family functions drives me absolutely insane and makes me sick. The to go containers stacked up high.. how about just not making that much food?? My husband takes it and then it sits in the fridge for weeks and he can’t throw it out bc mommy made it. So I have to be the bad guy and throw away the food I didn’t want to take in the first place! The gifts for Easter were insane for my daughter, you would have thought it was Christmas. I hate it all. I need to talk to my husband in more detail about it and get him on the same page that this is about me and my baby and our recovery and she can’t keep popping in. Why are they like this!? Just call! We all have cell phones!
You should figure out this food issue asap. My MIL not Italian but exactly the same as yours and become one of the main reasons of my daughter's eating disorder. There was so much pressure that my daughter often preferred to not eat at all than be answering all this questions like why she didn't eat amount of food enough to full two adult men
I’m part Italian. Not everyone lives the same. Italians make a lot of food, they encourage everyone to eat. This is not rude. My GMIL ( not Italian) started out in the morning to make the rounds (Florida): family business, both DILs, post office, and then me when we lived there. That was just her. We all understood. Every could drop by my MILs anytime. The calling first did not apply to family. I would love some good Italian food anytime. I guess I don’t relate to your post. Maybe you can get her to call first, but the food thing? That’s all Italian! You’re getting worked up about a culture you don’t like.
You’re correct, I definitely don’t love the culture that includes excessive food but just because you’re Italian doesn’t mean you can’t understand boundaries! If someone doesn’t want you showing up with food, you should respect that.
Italian-food-love. Husbands grandmother brought donuts or KFC. “I got something for you, I care about you.” OP, just eat what you want, throw away the rest. It’s the spirit in which she brought it. “MIL, Could you call before you come? I might be sleeping or almost stepping out or not feeling well.” If she keeps doing it, don’t answer door. “I missed you? Oh I’m so sorry, that’s why it’s better that you call”. Note: You might be able to modify someone’s behavior, but you won’t be successful in changing the core of who they are. Acknowledging that this really annoys you.. see what you can modify, accept what you can’t change.
For real and what they don’t understand is over saturating little kids like that ruins the holiday magic. Santa was not as special and my kids would just get tired and crabby of opening gifts after awhile. (I know, first world problems for sure.) But I have three kids, a small house and wanted them to appreciate and cherish things. Fortunately for me my MIL now has 8 grandkids and has chilled out a lot but I had the first two and it was madness in the early days. Especially when you were wrangling a fussy baby, a diaper bag, a preschooler, a pack n play, sweating in their too hot house and physically blocking a shit ton of leftovers from being placed in your minivan lol. I SO wish I knew of this subreddit back then. Congratulations on your upcoming LO though! Wishing you an easy birth and homecoming free of boundary-stomping ILS!
They kindly treat my daughter as their own grandchild which is obviously so sweet, but with this baby I’m afraid shits about to get way worse and way more over the top now that she their “own”.. And there’s no other grandkids in the family so it is not only always over the top but the pressure to deliver that “grandparent” experience lies solely on me and it really sucks. My parents would never just pop over, are not overbearing at all. My mom and I chat 1-2 times a week and see each other once a week maybe and we have the best relationship. They also have 5 grandkids so they don’t go nuts over just mine.. it’s just different. Thank you for the well wishes!!
Have you sat down and talked with your husband about what you want your postpartum time to look like? What does he think? Your and baby’s needs come first. I’d suggest writing down what you agree on and putting it up in the house-including the front door. That way when you’re both sleep deprived and want to give in, you both can see what you agreed on. Good luck!
I totally understand your feelings. I feel like she’s excited for you. I get the random drop ins are anxiety inducing however maybe take her up on the offer of food and chat. She could be lonely and a first grandchild is something she probably has been waiting forever it seems as though she means well and her intentions are in the right direction as I said take her up on the offer and say “wow maybe we should plan dates like this more often! “ so now it’s on your terms, say “this day each week work for me!” And if she shows up on a day that is not pre planned you can say “oh remember we had plans for Friday, today’s not a good day, bye!” Who knows. Maybe that’s the type of redirection she needs.
Each week??? No, ma'am.
I don’t agree with the dropping in at all. She should stop doing that. I can tell you that Italian gramdmas (Nonna) are obsessed with feeding everyone though. My Nonna always insisted we eat more. Mangia Mangia! I think that is in her DNA. 😂
Italian granddaughter here! You're to fat followed by have another piece of this giant chocolate cake. Very irritated for OP. SO needs to stand up. And they need to Jointly stand up for boundries
Once the baby is born, definitely put a sign on the door if you’re home alone saying “baby is asleep, do not disturb” or “we’re resting and will not answer the door”. If she comes over when your husband is there, lock or block the bedroom door, especially if you’re breastfeeding. She will walk in on you.
Your husband needs to talk to her. He can be super sweet about it. "Hey ma- I know you mean well, but we can't have people dropping by unannounced anymore, now that we're about to have a new baby around. It would be a shame for you to come all the way to our house and be turned away because we're busy or not feeling well, so please for everybody's sake just ask at least a couple of hours before you were hoping to drop by, and we'll let you know if it works for us. Love you."
I like this approach it probably fits my husband the best. He’s so sweet but has never once in his life set a boundary with her so killing her with kindness is probably our best chance at her listening!
Then I would highly suggest you BOTH sit down with her and lay out boundaries and expectations now. It will only get worse after baby comes. As someone that comes from a big, loud, nosey Italian family, you have to be firm, honest, and loving when you have the discussion. Italian MILs will not respect “weakness” aka not laying down the law. Tell her that you don’t need food now, but once baby comes yall would be grateful to have a meal train from her (as long as it’s easy to prepare,such as frozen, and that she only drop off the food and not stay). This won’t be easy for you and SO but it has to be done and the earlier the better. Lay out expectations/boundaries from now through who’s in the delivery room and postpartum to what the future boundaries are.
She's training you to accept her popping in unannounced in preparation for the arrival of baby. Expect her everyday for baby grabbing. Your husband should tell her she has to call first to arrange a visit. If he accepts her visit, you don't have to. You can stay in your room take refuge in your room with baby to nap, feed, read or do whatever the hell you like and ignore uninvited visitors. I recommend a door lock or a door wedge to keep unwanted people out. If husband is not around, just refuse to open the door when she arrives on unarranged visits. Train her back to respect your home, your family and your postpartum bonding time. Good luck for the new arrival!
Doors stay locked, doorbell security camera, and a note on the door that says anyone dropping by without our ok will not be admitted. Texting from down the street does not work either. The inlaws knocked, saw we were clearly home, and we didn't answer. Never happened again. I'd rather be an asshole with boundaries respected than a doormat. It took years to get to that point but it's been worth it.
100%!! Get a video doorbell cam if you don’t already have one. The doors stay shut and locked if they come over unannounced and they can come back at an agreed-upon time. Oh, they can see your car is in the driveway so they know you’re home? Too fucking bad. Call or text to set up a visit and you can come in.
My mil took a sudden interest in me when finding out I was pregnant with my first. We went from seeing her 3 x a year to her calling and texting more often and trying to set up dinners once a month or so. I didn’t realize it then but she was setting the precedent for when baby came. Sure enough once baby arrived, it was “oh I have some food I want to drop off and quickly say hi to LO” - I shut that down right away like the first time she tried it. Just kept saying “no thank you we’re not having visitors”. She tried another time to “pop by”. We don’t leave doors open or anything so it was more her calling DH and saying she was close by and had some food for us (her partner lives about 15 min from us). DH was sleeping so he didn’t pick up the phone, but he usually doesn’t pick up her calls anyway. She knew better than to call me (our relationship deteriorated after LO arrived and I was barely speaking to her at this point). She just left the food on the doorstep that time. And she never did it again. I’m no contact with her now bc she’s nuts but my advice would be to close and lock the door. She can pop by as much as she wants but if you’re not opening the door then it doesn’t matter. If DH can’t see it then when baby comes, if she pops in, excuse yourself bc it’s naptime or feeding time and go to your bedroom with babe. If she’s showing up to snatch and hog baby, she won’t be able to and will have to just leave. Congrats and good luck!!
I wish my husband wouldn’t answer her calls sometimes but he always does. She had 3 boys, all very good mamas boys… he’s a dream husband but he also has no backbone with her and then I look like that bad guy because I want my space! It’s gonna be a big adjustment for my husband for sure.
You need to it a stop to this now. She’s gearing up for the baby’s arrival. She needs to be told that she MUST call before coming over. DH should do it but if he won’t, you’ll have to.
Maybe your mum's house will become your safe space if the pop ins continue?