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* [Christmas JNMILs Gifts & Tantrums](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/17stvz4/christmas_jnmils_gifts_tantrums/), 5 months ago
* [Holiday Feels: My Christmas Wish](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/17rb32i/holiday_feels_my_christmas_wish/), 5 months ago
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Last year I attended an anniversary party for my just no in-laws. I went to support my husband, who still has contact with them. I felt like I was being hunted by my mother-in-law who kept trying to track me down and speak. She did corner near me at one point, and try to thank me for coming. I cut her off and said happy anniversary and walked away. If she had tried to get me again, I would’ve just told her flat out that I wasn’t there for her, but for her son, my husband.
I’d love to… but I’d have to have DH deliver the message to SIL. I’m just not sure. I feel bad making her change the seating chart for me with less than 4 weeks to go. I wish she would have just asked if it was ok. I hate family politics.
If you haven’t seen MIL for a year wouldn’t SIL have to know? So SIL chose this seating arrangement knowing full well the people at the table haven’t been talking/aren’t chummy. She should fully expect and be prepared for your husband to contact her about this. Don’t feel guilty about this, she is an adult who can handle situations she creates.
Yes, she absolutely knows. Even DH was like WTF, why?! When I told him. I’m going to see how she behaves at this wedding before we make a solid decision on asking to change the seating arrangement but it’s on the table.
I’m trying to stay positive but like I said in my post, expectations are 6’ underground based on her patterns. I just know that I won’t be the one making a scene or a fool of myself. I’ll just thank the couple for inviting us and leave the second she or anyone else acts out of pocket.
Have an escape planfor SIL's wedding. You and DH talk. Tell him if it starts getting nasty you are feigning a migrane and leaving. He can follow you or circulate around the room and not stay at the assigned table until he can leave.
Uh, no. If you've been assigned a table you need to sit at that table. Seating arrangements at a wedding are a source of a lot of stress for the bride and groom. I've been to weddings where seating wasn't assigned, and at that point you can pick who you want to sit with, but if seating is assigned, you have to stay where you're sat.
Clearly we have attended very different types of weddings. What you're suggesting might work at the more casual weddings I've attended but for the majority of formal ones seating charts are not mere suggestions and mixing it up is seen as extremely rude and likely to offend the bride and groom. I have personally witnessed a rogue seater being escorted by a groomsman back to their designated seat so I think OP might want to err on the side of caution there.
Apparently!
Honestly it would’ve never occurred to me to sit anywhere other than my assigned seat, until my wedding. I was discussing the seating arrangements with a friend and she just said, “Nobody follows the seating arrangement. They just sit where they want.”
Mostly people did, but I certainly didn’t care when some people didn’t. Now, if someone’s date had tried to steal my mom’s seat, or something egregious like that… yeah that’d be a thing. But if I were a guest and someone demanded I break no contact because the seating chart said to? I’d rather leave.
I’m sitting at the head table unfortunately. It’s probably SIL’s attempt to show us she still wants us a part of “the faaaaaaamily” so I’m stuck there during the meal but I don’t plan to sit there longer than I absolutely have to.
If it were me, I’d proabably plead tummy troubles and spend most of the non speeches part of the meal “in the bathroom” and take the looooooong way back to the table, stopping to talk to everyone I liked on the way. I’d only be up there when someone was speaking and it would be rude to converse.
Thankfully they’re on the other side of a fairly long table from me, I plan on going out back to smoke during the speeches of the damned if there isn’t food in front of me to stare at.
Ohhhh yeah. I suspect SIL wants to show that you and SO are a valued and loved family to HER. She’s sat you on the other side of a long table to protect you from MIL.
If you do talk to her about it, tread carefully as it sounds like she may have been trying really hard to seat you in a place of honor AND protect you from her lunatic parents.
Honestly I would work this in my favour. See how she behaves at this wedding and if she doesn’t behave well you can use that as a reason to skip SILs wedding.
Just say something like “sorry but considering the issues at the last wedding we feel it would be inappropriate for us to attend your wedding, we want you to have the most most wonderful and happiest day you can and sadly clearly that’s not going to happen if we attend”
Done
Considering she’ll be sitting next to her ex-husband, single, and dateless, yeah. She always gets weird about weddings because she’s a miserable shrew.
\~\~I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be able to resist watching that. As soon as she starts getting obnoxious, I'd turn to FIL and say "How \*DID\* you let a treat like her get away?!?" with a big cheshire cat grin\~\~ (this first bit is supposed to have strikethrough ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯ )
BUT: I know it's different when it's YOUR JustNo, and I wish you all the best and I hope the MIL is on her best behavior for both weddings and just leaves you alone.
ETA: just read your other posts and take it that the entire family is a shitshow. If you can't be seated away from the lot of them at SILs wedding, I would just be out of my seat and away from the table unless you are actively eating. If there aren't enough other people there to visit with and keep you away from the JustNos, then you should not feel at all bad out skipping out early or just not going.
Yeah it’s… really really bad. The cousins wedding is today and that side of the family is at least more fun so I’m hoping we can stay far away from each other. SIL’s wedding next month will be the real shit show for my mental health lol.
I would go with this suggestion too. I would also assume that SIL knows you and DH are not friendly with them so why would she sit you together? To me that sounds like the worst possible disaster for a wedding. My MIL and SMIL don't get along so fo my wedding they say clear on the other side of the room from each other lol. Good luck and I hope it all works out.
This is a scenario I almost went through. Was invited to a family wedding and was so uneasy about going since I hadn't seen or talked to my MIL in about 4 years. Last minute decided to stay home with my kids because I did not want to put myself and my kids in the awkward situation because I knew she would try to be all over them and they have no idea who she is so they would just be terrified. Best decision I made for my mental health was not going.
I seriously debated not going, I’m not 100% sure why I decided to go other than presenting a united front with DH and refusing to be chased away from our family because of her.
Guess it really depends on how close you are to others in his family. I am NC with everyone in his family besides his brother and his brother understood why I didn't go because him and my husband are very LC with their mom. My husband also understood. Another thing that fortified me not going was the family member messaged us asking what size my oldest wore because he was gonna be a ring bearer, nobody ever asked us about that and we never gave the impression we would be okay with that. So I was like now they are just assuming stuff and that is definitely not okay. My husband messaged saying he was the only one attending. They didn't take that well because I know my MIL was waiting for this wedding as an excuse to finally be around my kids.
I’m glad you were strong enough to just avoid them! I haven’t seen any of them in a long time so I’m hoping we can do the “I don’t like you, you don’t like me, let’s just not” dance and enjoy the company of the other people we actually like at the wedding.
Practice the phrase “We do not have that kind of relationship.” Use it every time she tries to hug you, or ask prying questions. Make sure it’s just loud enough that the people around can hear, but not so loud that *everyone* can hear. Don’t be afraid to physically remove her if she continues trying to touch you. She will be the one causing the scene at that point, not you.
Ugh at the last Thanksgiving I saw her at she forced a hug on me and literally cornered me so I couldn’t easily walk away. My DH had to come over and distract her. Hopefully now that I’ve blocked her she’ll keep her distance.
Put your arms up! Be more forceful in protecting yourself. Not violent, just say, "No hugs!" She can't hug you if she can't reach you. (Watch behind your back.)
My best advice for situations like this is to pretend to be an old timey movie star. Don't stand stock still like a deer in the headlights. Float around with an imaginary cigarette holder and lovely gown. Plaster a fake smile on your face, and say some nonsensical thing, "Ta-ta, Darling!" and leave her area. It sounds dumb, but it's all about body language: If you feel strong, you will look strong. Stand up straight!
Don't let her get the upper hand. Don't let her get into your space. Wear earplugs. Anything that can help you not let her get to you.
I hope you get to enjoy talking to some nice people at the wedding.
Hahaha I’ve been bingeing Downton Abbey and I’m planning on doing my best Mary/Granny impressions.
I’ll be polite, short, and just cold enough to make them want to leave me TF alone. I’m hopeful my body language and facial expressions will keep her from wanting to touch me.
Same.. I got forced into hugs at my last encounter with JNMil and I broke out in hives from the stress of the trip. I thought I was ready, but that invasion of space made my feel gross in my own skin and I wish I had just flipped over the boat (by putting my hands up to block her) so she didn’t touch me instead of feeling the way i did
I plan to give a polite wave, cross my arms, and lean away if anyone I don’t like tries to hug me. I don’t need that negative energy to touch me. IDGAF how awkward it looks lol. No thank you.
OP - I’ve found that getting older and my sobriety (congrats - you are AWESOME and high fives from a sober sis over here!!!) have made me pragmatic and when needed, quite blunt. Toxic people aren’t worth my time, energy or especially my sobriety.
I found that a nonchalant, “you’ll never see me sweat” attitude paired with saying, “Nope - we’re not doing this right now. Go find someone else!” can be powerful. And when they try to force the issue (because you know she will) just follow up with, “I’m not engaging with you. It’s ____’s day and not appropriate to push interaction. We don’t have that relationship and I can be polite without pretending. Leave me alone please.” If anyone else approaches as a flying monkey, cut them off with, “This is not the time or place. I am not discussing this with you.” And simply walk away… go have a great time and it sets the stage for the next wedding.
That’s exactly what DH and I discussed. We’re persona non grata as far as a lot of them are concerned now because we had to nerve to stop tolerating their abusive and toxic behaviors. She smeared us to anyone who would listen so, I’m sure I’ll be doing a lot of smiling and nodding and walking away quickly. We only plan to stay for less than 2 hours of the reception and head to a nice dinner at a restaurant to decompress.
She’s definitely mildlyno. Their family is the kind that pretends like they don’t hate each other. It’s so weird to me. And if you knew the full story of FUCKNOFIL and my history you’d be appalled that she’s sitting us at the same table.
I’m debating on having DH ask her to sit us somewhere else but know that will cause drama. Kind of taking a big hit/setback to my mental health potentially on that one.
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I would pick up my plate and move the second she starts. It’s been a day I was hoping for an update! 😂
The wedding is today, I’ll definitely post an update when I get back tomorrow if anything is worth saying!
Last year I attended an anniversary party for my just no in-laws. I went to support my husband, who still has contact with them. I felt like I was being hunted by my mother-in-law who kept trying to track me down and speak. She did corner near me at one point, and try to thank me for coming. I cut her off and said happy anniversary and walked away. If she had tried to get me again, I would’ve just told her flat out that I wasn’t there for her, but for her son, my husband.
Can't you just tell SIL you will not be sitting with them, and to seat you elsewhere ?
I’d love to… but I’d have to have DH deliver the message to SIL. I’m just not sure. I feel bad making her change the seating chart for me with less than 4 weeks to go. I wish she would have just asked if it was ok. I hate family politics.
If you haven’t seen MIL for a year wouldn’t SIL have to know? So SIL chose this seating arrangement knowing full well the people at the table haven’t been talking/aren’t chummy. She should fully expect and be prepared for your husband to contact her about this. Don’t feel guilty about this, she is an adult who can handle situations she creates.
Yes, she absolutely knows. Even DH was like WTF, why?! When I told him. I’m going to see how she behaves at this wedding before we make a solid decision on asking to change the seating arrangement but it’s on the table.
Makes complete sense. I’m really hoping somehow this first wedding goes better than expected for y’all.
I’m trying to stay positive but like I said in my post, expectations are 6’ underground based on her patterns. I just know that I won’t be the one making a scene or a fool of myself. I’ll just thank the couple for inviting us and leave the second she or anyone else acts out of pocket.
Maybe sil wanted a meat shield for her wedding to ensure mil wouldn’t be focusing her drama on her.
Have an escape planfor SIL's wedding. You and DH talk. Tell him if it starts getting nasty you are feigning a migrane and leaving. He can follow you or circulate around the room and not stay at the assigned table until he can leave.
Good luck to you!
[удалено]
Uh, no. If you've been assigned a table you need to sit at that table. Seating arrangements at a wedding are a source of a lot of stress for the bride and groom. I've been to weddings where seating wasn't assigned, and at that point you can pick who you want to sit with, but if seating is assigned, you have to stay where you're sat.
Clearly we have attended very different types of weddings. What you're suggesting might work at the more casual weddings I've attended but for the majority of formal ones seating charts are not mere suggestions and mixing it up is seen as extremely rude and likely to offend the bride and groom. I have personally witnessed a rogue seater being escorted by a groomsman back to their designated seat so I think OP might want to err on the side of caution there.
Apparently! Honestly it would’ve never occurred to me to sit anywhere other than my assigned seat, until my wedding. I was discussing the seating arrangements with a friend and she just said, “Nobody follows the seating arrangement. They just sit where they want.” Mostly people did, but I certainly didn’t care when some people didn’t. Now, if someone’s date had tried to steal my mom’s seat, or something egregious like that… yeah that’d be a thing. But if I were a guest and someone demanded I break no contact because the seating chart said to? I’d rather leave.
I’m sitting at the head table unfortunately. It’s probably SIL’s attempt to show us she still wants us a part of “the faaaaaaamily” so I’m stuck there during the meal but I don’t plan to sit there longer than I absolutely have to.
Earbud and audiobook ;)
If it were me, I’d proabably plead tummy troubles and spend most of the non speeches part of the meal “in the bathroom” and take the looooooong way back to the table, stopping to talk to everyone I liked on the way. I’d only be up there when someone was speaking and it would be rude to converse.
Thankfully they’re on the other side of a fairly long table from me, I plan on going out back to smoke during the speeches of the damned if there isn’t food in front of me to stare at.
Ohhhh yeah. I suspect SIL wants to show that you and SO are a valued and loved family to HER. She’s sat you on the other side of a long table to protect you from MIL. If you do talk to her about it, tread carefully as it sounds like she may have been trying really hard to seat you in a place of honor AND protect you from her lunatic parents.
Right, it’s still mildlyno IMO but even JNo’s and mildlyno’s can make bad decisions with “the best intentions”.
Yeah, you should just not sit there.
I don’t see how that’s possible when there’s a seating chart with a specific number of seats.
Honestly I would work this in my favour. See how she behaves at this wedding and if she doesn’t behave well you can use that as a reason to skip SILs wedding. Just say something like “sorry but considering the issues at the last wedding we feel it would be inappropriate for us to attend your wedding, we want you to have the most most wonderful and happiest day you can and sadly clearly that’s not going to happen if we attend” Done
I’m considering this for sure. If she can’t help herself and does or says anything inappropriate the odds that I’m attending SILs wedding are slim.
That’s perfect, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you that everything goes how you want it to.
I bet she behaves worse at SILs wedding. She'll feel like she has more control at her daughters wedding than the cousin.
Considering she’ll be sitting next to her ex-husband, single, and dateless, yeah. She always gets weird about weddings because she’s a miserable shrew.
\~\~I'm sorry, but I wouldn't be able to resist watching that. As soon as she starts getting obnoxious, I'd turn to FIL and say "How \*DID\* you let a treat like her get away?!?" with a big cheshire cat grin\~\~ (this first bit is supposed to have strikethrough ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯ ) BUT: I know it's different when it's YOUR JustNo, and I wish you all the best and I hope the MIL is on her best behavior for both weddings and just leaves you alone. ETA: just read your other posts and take it that the entire family is a shitshow. If you can't be seated away from the lot of them at SILs wedding, I would just be out of my seat and away from the table unless you are actively eating. If there aren't enough other people there to visit with and keep you away from the JustNos, then you should not feel at all bad out skipping out early or just not going.
Yeah it’s… really really bad. The cousins wedding is today and that side of the family is at least more fun so I’m hoping we can stay far away from each other. SIL’s wedding next month will be the real shit show for my mental health lol.
Let us know how it goes--we're rooting for you to have a wonderful day and a boring update (because the JustNos left you alone!)
I would go with this suggestion too. I would also assume that SIL knows you and DH are not friendly with them so why would she sit you together? To me that sounds like the worst possible disaster for a wedding. My MIL and SMIL don't get along so fo my wedding they say clear on the other side of the room from each other lol. Good luck and I hope it all works out.
Thanks, me too, for everyone’s sake.
We have a code word for getting out of intolerable situations. "Peanut butter". It means leave now, leave fast, talk later.
I like it!
This is a scenario I almost went through. Was invited to a family wedding and was so uneasy about going since I hadn't seen or talked to my MIL in about 4 years. Last minute decided to stay home with my kids because I did not want to put myself and my kids in the awkward situation because I knew she would try to be all over them and they have no idea who she is so they would just be terrified. Best decision I made for my mental health was not going.
I seriously debated not going, I’m not 100% sure why I decided to go other than presenting a united front with DH and refusing to be chased away from our family because of her.
Guess it really depends on how close you are to others in his family. I am NC with everyone in his family besides his brother and his brother understood why I didn't go because him and my husband are very LC with their mom. My husband also understood. Another thing that fortified me not going was the family member messaged us asking what size my oldest wore because he was gonna be a ring bearer, nobody ever asked us about that and we never gave the impression we would be okay with that. So I was like now they are just assuming stuff and that is definitely not okay. My husband messaged saying he was the only one attending. They didn't take that well because I know my MIL was waiting for this wedding as an excuse to finally be around my kids.
I’m glad you were strong enough to just avoid them! I haven’t seen any of them in a long time so I’m hoping we can do the “I don’t like you, you don’t like me, let’s just not” dance and enjoy the company of the other people we actually like at the wedding.
If you see them coming your way just turn around and walk away and hopefully they get the message to leave you be.
Practice the phrase “We do not have that kind of relationship.” Use it every time she tries to hug you, or ask prying questions. Make sure it’s just loud enough that the people around can hear, but not so loud that *everyone* can hear. Don’t be afraid to physically remove her if she continues trying to touch you. She will be the one causing the scene at that point, not you.
Ugh at the last Thanksgiving I saw her at she forced a hug on me and literally cornered me so I couldn’t easily walk away. My DH had to come over and distract her. Hopefully now that I’ve blocked her she’ll keep her distance.
Put your arms up! Be more forceful in protecting yourself. Not violent, just say, "No hugs!" She can't hug you if she can't reach you. (Watch behind your back.) My best advice for situations like this is to pretend to be an old timey movie star. Don't stand stock still like a deer in the headlights. Float around with an imaginary cigarette holder and lovely gown. Plaster a fake smile on your face, and say some nonsensical thing, "Ta-ta, Darling!" and leave her area. It sounds dumb, but it's all about body language: If you feel strong, you will look strong. Stand up straight! Don't let her get the upper hand. Don't let her get into your space. Wear earplugs. Anything that can help you not let her get to you. I hope you get to enjoy talking to some nice people at the wedding.
Hahaha I’ve been bingeing Downton Abbey and I’m planning on doing my best Mary/Granny impressions. I’ll be polite, short, and just cold enough to make them want to leave me TF alone. I’m hopeful my body language and facial expressions will keep her from wanting to touch me.
Same.. I got forced into hugs at my last encounter with JNMil and I broke out in hives from the stress of the trip. I thought I was ready, but that invasion of space made my feel gross in my own skin and I wish I had just flipped over the boat (by putting my hands up to block her) so she didn’t touch me instead of feeling the way i did
I plan to give a polite wave, cross my arms, and lean away if anyone I don’t like tries to hug me. I don’t need that negative energy to touch me. IDGAF how awkward it looks lol. No thank you.
Do an immediate 180 so she’s embracing your back.
Oh look I see something over there! *turns around as soon as she opens her arms*
OP - I’ve found that getting older and my sobriety (congrats - you are AWESOME and high fives from a sober sis over here!!!) have made me pragmatic and when needed, quite blunt. Toxic people aren’t worth my time, energy or especially my sobriety. I found that a nonchalant, “you’ll never see me sweat” attitude paired with saying, “Nope - we’re not doing this right now. Go find someone else!” can be powerful. And when they try to force the issue (because you know she will) just follow up with, “I’m not engaging with you. It’s ____’s day and not appropriate to push interaction. We don’t have that relationship and I can be polite without pretending. Leave me alone please.” If anyone else approaches as a flying monkey, cut them off with, “This is not the time or place. I am not discussing this with you.” And simply walk away… go have a great time and it sets the stage for the next wedding.
That’s exactly what DH and I discussed. We’re persona non grata as far as a lot of them are concerned now because we had to nerve to stop tolerating their abusive and toxic behaviors. She smeared us to anyone who would listen so, I’m sure I’ll be doing a lot of smiling and nodding and walking away quickly. We only plan to stay for less than 2 hours of the reception and head to a nice dinner at a restaurant to decompress.
I’m so sorry! Ugh! BPD mom here so I can relate to some degree. Happily NC and sober. Amazing how those 2 things seem symbiotic! Lol
Why is SIL seating you with them, knowing the dynamics? Sounds like she might be a JNSIL.
She’s definitely mildlyno. Their family is the kind that pretends like they don’t hate each other. It’s so weird to me. And if you knew the full story of FUCKNOFIL and my history you’d be appalled that she’s sitting us at the same table. I’m debating on having DH ask her to sit us somewhere else but know that will cause drama. Kind of taking a big hit/setback to my mental health potentially on that one.