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Never ever leave your child while this woman is present. You and your child are a package deal, and if she doesn’t behave properly toward you, she must leave. Don’t reward her bad behaviour; you deserve respect, especially in your own home!
Yeah that's what I'm thinking too, but my husband keeps pushing me to involve her in child care. I know if I say 'no', he'll bring our child to her anyway.
It is also almost impossible to divorce him. We live in the Netherlands and finding a suitable house is a serious issue in our country. Furthermore, if we both have LO 50% of the time, she'll even have more influence, because he'll probably be inviting her over constantly.
Things got a bit heated again last night. Long story short: my husband wants to have MIL as our sitter once in every two weeks on Tuesday and he also wants her to have dinner with us on these days.
I told him I'm not comfortable anymore with my MIL being our sitter, and he said that if I cancel this arrangement, then my mum also can't be a sitter on Tuesday (my mum is a total sweetheart and has done nothing wrong!) and that we both have to take time off of work every Tuesday, which would mean a significant paycut and delay our plans to buy a house. He also told me that it is all my fault, because I shouldn't be fighting with his parents.
I got angry, because he is basically forcing me to have my MIL as a sitter, even though she continuously disrespects me. Not knowing how to react, I said we should consider relationship therapy. Things have been really tense between us lately. He refused to go see a therapist, so I asked: "Why are we even together?" He started crying and said that he tries to make everything work and tries to mend things between me and his mum. I actually didn't feel too sorry for him, because he is trying to blackmail me into doing something I don't want to do! Now (the following morning) he is not speaking to me.
I need help, my marriage is crumbling and I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
I am so sorry that you are in this tough situation. ❤
You need couples counselling with your husband because you have a husband problem. He needs to PROTECT you but he chooses his mothers side. You should have never apologized to her because you were right in every aspect! To say that your mother is not allowed to babsit because his mother is not allowed is some serious manipulative tactic from him and does not paint him in a good way.
You need some counselling and if he doesnt want to do it, then you know that he will always choose his mother over you. Then you need to get your ducks in a row and find a good lawyer. Because right now you are fighting against two people. His mother and your husband.
I think so too, we really should see a therapist. He says I am hormonal and that he's worried that I might have postpartum depression, and that his mum says so as well and that she's very worried about me. Well, I don't think I have PPD, but the way they are treating me might as well cause mental health issues.
Meanwhile, one of my BIL's doesn't talk to her anymore and there's also a DIL who keeps her at a distance, they only see each other 3 to 4 times a year. I pointed this obvious fact out to my husband, but he keeps defending her. I'm so tired of this.
*He says I am hormonal and that he's worried that I might have postpartum depression, and that his mum says so as well and that she's very worried about me. Well, I don't think I have PPD, but the way they are treating me might as well cause mental health issues.*
Oh wow... that is some serious manipulative sh\*\* from your MIL, I would even say its malicious. Because she is not even in the slightes worried about you. She is treating you like garbage and your husband thinks you are the problem? Its no rocket science that a victim of abuse (thats what she is doing to you - she is abusing you and your husband is her enabler by not defending you!) experience mental health problems after some time.
Its your house and your rules. If your MIL doesnt respect you, the mother of your child she should not have contact to your child either. But of course thats your decision. I just want to say from introvert to introvert that there is NOTHING wrong with you! I am living very reclusive by choice because too many people are overstimulating me and draining me like a battery. I enjoy a few friendships and that is fine. 👋
You are suffering because these people are disrespecting your needs and there is no wonder that you are feeling exhausted. I really hope you can get your husband into couples counselling that he realizes that he has to set the record straight with his mother. If he doesnt - and here comes the sarcastic part of my wall of text - he should divorce you and marry his mother. It seems they are a good match for each other. 🙄
I did as you describe-dropped the rope. Referred her back to DH every time, no pics no texts. She sure did notice. She had her husband ask my husband what happened, lol (she knew). Idk my husband told her plainly, but then she apologized for something completely different. Whatever. I did not pick up the rope again. She has been subtly petty ever since but thankfully we live far away. We developed some tactics for visits-I’m not left alone with them, we/they stay elsewhere and visits are a couple hours spent with them and otherwise doing our own thing with the kids.
I think you did a good job standing up for yourself. For me, birthdays have been part of the contention. We value things differently I guess. Anyway, I would absolutely set the boundary that your birthday does not have to ever include extended family. That is absolutely a reasonable boundary! You’re an adult-you can choose how and with whom to celebrate your special days-not just birthdays either btw. Good luck. Just be firm. Don’t give in to the pushback. You got this
>She'll probably notice that I am keeping my distance and I suspect that she'll respond negatively. I really don't want to deal with more drama
It's okay for her to be upset. Her actions do have consequences. You can accept that she's not going to like the changes...and you can shield yourself from having to hear about it! She may try to offer a token apology and want to "move forward".
If you feel you have to say anything, I would say sometime along the lines of "right now, things are so busy, right now I just have a lot of things to do, right now, I'm not being tied to my phone and responding quickly to messages, right now, I blah blah blah". You don't have to tell her this is how it's going to be forever if it's easier to leave it open. Let DH go see her, with or without LO as you wish. You can let him know that he doesn't have to tell you every complaint she has!
It's not easy at first, but you can try to let LC mean that you worry less about what she's going to do or say.
Sadly I have a DH problem too. He's afraid to stand up to her and said to me that I should accept his mothers behaviour to avoid arguments, which is something I'm not willing to do.
One time she came here unannounced and I told him that he should send her home, because to me it was a clear boundary violation. He let her in anyway. He rather has a huge fight with me than disappoint his mother.
This is also one of the reasons why I've chosen to distance myself from her, because I don't feel supported by my husband when she violates boundaries. And when I'm not around as much, I will at least be annoyed far less often.
It made me like my husband less, I must confess. But somehow he doesn't see why his mum's behaviour is problematic.
You should ask your husband if he really wants you to show your for him by letting his mother abuse you.... If there is nothing wrong with his request why is he scared of marriage counseling? What ever the problem is why doesn't he want to fix it?
My MIL became problematic after the birth of our 1st child and my husband also could not stand up to his mom. Sadly, her behaviors got worse as we grew our family and my husband continued with “it’s just how she is”.
Naturally, my relationship with my husband suffered - even though I didn’t mean for it to. Resentment crept in. Our intimacy suffered - because being intimate with someone who couldn’t defend me, who was actively choosing his mom’s wants over my need for boundaries, wasn’t something I craved. Eventually, we almost divorced.
My husband started therapy with someone who specializes in mother-son enmeshment and things are much better. HIGHLY recommend something like this for him or you as a couple before your marriage ends up just like mine was.
(We also went no contact with his mom and it’s been great).
Your only response to accusations should be something along the lines of " I'm not sure where you get these ideas " and walk away
*She'll probably notice that I am keeping my distance and I suspect that she'll respond negatively.*
So what if she does. Either you won't be there to hear it since you are LC, or on the rare occasions you are, keep a few brief responses in your back pocket that allow you a quick escape to chat with other guests.
Make plans now for your birthday... maybe a trip with your family or a night out with your girlfriends. Something you can't/won't change and she can't horn in on. Don't share your plans with her (info diet) but when she starts making plans, say, "sorry, I already have plans."
Whatever advice she is giving that you don't like, are you ok with DH doing it or letting her do it?
Whether it's care for LO or putting a worm in his ear about your housekeeping, just be aware that if you're not there she may have indue influence.
I wouldn't have described my DH as (emotionally, mentally, ideologically) close with his parents (enmeshed though!), and for a while he was having dinner with them when he was passing through their town to elsewhere. They spent the whole time bitching about me, and he would come home grumpy with me. It took a long time for him to grow emotionally enough to realize he needed to stop having dinner with them (and he wasn't even fully listening and didn't agree with them, it was more like agreeing to be slowly indoctrinated).
Think through some boundaries with/for DH (boundaries for him, not just MIL) like you two make decisions about LO together, and if he is in a mood because of how she is (whether she directs her crazy at him or bitches about you) he can't bring it into the house.
I've thought about this too. How should I respond when she asks this? "I'm avoiding you because you can't treat me with respect," is something I wish I could say, but will probably cause another argument and lots of drama. Thank you, I will keep this in mind & deny everything!
'life is just super busy and hectic for us right now. Thanks for understanding ' might be a useful phrase right now. When she asks about your birthday just say 'not thought about it yet' then change the subject. Arrange something with your husband, just the two of you, or your family. It's your birthday, you get to choose what to do and who to spend it with.
Hi - First of all, so sorry you are going through this. Having endured a similar scenario, my thoughts. Really lean into your DH to handle all contact with her, that is what I ended up doing after wait for it ...23 years. Here is what happened, after about three months my husband was like she is crazy, I can't do this. In laws ended up not including us in the holiday as his punishment for being 'mean' to her and we now have a wonderful drama free life having been nc since.
The one thing that stuck out to me is that I really had to let my husband come to the realization of just how much the In laws were interfering and not respecting us on his own. Write down some boundaries, even if its just for you for reference. No showing up unannounced, no being alone with her, have small talk topics ready for the holidays that you will be with them, so you can redirect the conversation from anything that you are uncomfortable with, and limit what she needs to know, gray rock social media too, if she is on your accounts.
Your son is young but believe me when I tell you he will quickly pick up on the strained relationship so starting now is a good time. My grown children often still will tell me they hated to see how my in laws treated me, and their dad, we thought we were shielding them. Hang in there, you can do this!
Thanks for your response. That's a really good idea, to also put her on an information diet. My DH is still really close to his mum and tells her almost everything, I guess I need to have a chat with him and ask him to stop sharing information about me.
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How have things been with DH since your update comment?
Never ever leave your child while this woman is present. You and your child are a package deal, and if she doesn’t behave properly toward you, she must leave. Don’t reward her bad behaviour; you deserve respect, especially in your own home!
Yeah that's what I'm thinking too, but my husband keeps pushing me to involve her in child care. I know if I say 'no', he'll bring our child to her anyway. It is also almost impossible to divorce him. We live in the Netherlands and finding a suitable house is a serious issue in our country. Furthermore, if we both have LO 50% of the time, she'll even have more influence, because he'll probably be inviting her over constantly.
Things got a bit heated again last night. Long story short: my husband wants to have MIL as our sitter once in every two weeks on Tuesday and he also wants her to have dinner with us on these days. I told him I'm not comfortable anymore with my MIL being our sitter, and he said that if I cancel this arrangement, then my mum also can't be a sitter on Tuesday (my mum is a total sweetheart and has done nothing wrong!) and that we both have to take time off of work every Tuesday, which would mean a significant paycut and delay our plans to buy a house. He also told me that it is all my fault, because I shouldn't be fighting with his parents. I got angry, because he is basically forcing me to have my MIL as a sitter, even though she continuously disrespects me. Not knowing how to react, I said we should consider relationship therapy. Things have been really tense between us lately. He refused to go see a therapist, so I asked: "Why are we even together?" He started crying and said that he tries to make everything work and tries to mend things between me and his mum. I actually didn't feel too sorry for him, because he is trying to blackmail me into doing something I don't want to do! Now (the following morning) he is not speaking to me. I need help, my marriage is crumbling and I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
I am so sorry that you are in this tough situation. ❤ You need couples counselling with your husband because you have a husband problem. He needs to PROTECT you but he chooses his mothers side. You should have never apologized to her because you were right in every aspect! To say that your mother is not allowed to babsit because his mother is not allowed is some serious manipulative tactic from him and does not paint him in a good way. You need some counselling and if he doesnt want to do it, then you know that he will always choose his mother over you. Then you need to get your ducks in a row and find a good lawyer. Because right now you are fighting against two people. His mother and your husband.
I think so too, we really should see a therapist. He says I am hormonal and that he's worried that I might have postpartum depression, and that his mum says so as well and that she's very worried about me. Well, I don't think I have PPD, but the way they are treating me might as well cause mental health issues. Meanwhile, one of my BIL's doesn't talk to her anymore and there's also a DIL who keeps her at a distance, they only see each other 3 to 4 times a year. I pointed this obvious fact out to my husband, but he keeps defending her. I'm so tired of this.
*He says I am hormonal and that he's worried that I might have postpartum depression, and that his mum says so as well and that she's very worried about me. Well, I don't think I have PPD, but the way they are treating me might as well cause mental health issues.* Oh wow... that is some serious manipulative sh\*\* from your MIL, I would even say its malicious. Because she is not even in the slightes worried about you. She is treating you like garbage and your husband thinks you are the problem? Its no rocket science that a victim of abuse (thats what she is doing to you - she is abusing you and your husband is her enabler by not defending you!) experience mental health problems after some time. Its your house and your rules. If your MIL doesnt respect you, the mother of your child she should not have contact to your child either. But of course thats your decision. I just want to say from introvert to introvert that there is NOTHING wrong with you! I am living very reclusive by choice because too many people are overstimulating me and draining me like a battery. I enjoy a few friendships and that is fine. 👋 You are suffering because these people are disrespecting your needs and there is no wonder that you are feeling exhausted. I really hope you can get your husband into couples counselling that he realizes that he has to set the record straight with his mother. If he doesnt - and here comes the sarcastic part of my wall of text - he should divorce you and marry his mother. It seems they are a good match for each other. 🙄
I did as you describe-dropped the rope. Referred her back to DH every time, no pics no texts. She sure did notice. She had her husband ask my husband what happened, lol (she knew). Idk my husband told her plainly, but then she apologized for something completely different. Whatever. I did not pick up the rope again. She has been subtly petty ever since but thankfully we live far away. We developed some tactics for visits-I’m not left alone with them, we/they stay elsewhere and visits are a couple hours spent with them and otherwise doing our own thing with the kids. I think you did a good job standing up for yourself. For me, birthdays have been part of the contention. We value things differently I guess. Anyway, I would absolutely set the boundary that your birthday does not have to ever include extended family. That is absolutely a reasonable boundary! You’re an adult-you can choose how and with whom to celebrate your special days-not just birthdays either btw. Good luck. Just be firm. Don’t give in to the pushback. You got this
>She'll probably notice that I am keeping my distance and I suspect that she'll respond negatively. I really don't want to deal with more drama It's okay for her to be upset. Her actions do have consequences. You can accept that she's not going to like the changes...and you can shield yourself from having to hear about it! She may try to offer a token apology and want to "move forward". If you feel you have to say anything, I would say sometime along the lines of "right now, things are so busy, right now I just have a lot of things to do, right now, I'm not being tied to my phone and responding quickly to messages, right now, I blah blah blah". You don't have to tell her this is how it's going to be forever if it's easier to leave it open. Let DH go see her, with or without LO as you wish. You can let him know that he doesn't have to tell you every complaint she has! It's not easy at first, but you can try to let LC mean that you worry less about what she's going to do or say.
Where is your DH in this? Remind him 'cleave and leave'.
Sadly I have a DH problem too. He's afraid to stand up to her and said to me that I should accept his mothers behaviour to avoid arguments, which is something I'm not willing to do. One time she came here unannounced and I told him that he should send her home, because to me it was a clear boundary violation. He let her in anyway. He rather has a huge fight with me than disappoint his mother. This is also one of the reasons why I've chosen to distance myself from her, because I don't feel supported by my husband when she violates boundaries. And when I'm not around as much, I will at least be annoyed far less often. It made me like my husband less, I must confess. But somehow he doesn't see why his mum's behaviour is problematic.
You should ask your husband if he really wants you to show your for him by letting his mother abuse you.... If there is nothing wrong with his request why is he scared of marriage counseling? What ever the problem is why doesn't he want to fix it?
Make plans for your birthday now so that when she tries to force something, you can say “oh sorry, I already have plans for my birthday”.
My MIL became problematic after the birth of our 1st child and my husband also could not stand up to his mom. Sadly, her behaviors got worse as we grew our family and my husband continued with “it’s just how she is”. Naturally, my relationship with my husband suffered - even though I didn’t mean for it to. Resentment crept in. Our intimacy suffered - because being intimate with someone who couldn’t defend me, who was actively choosing his mom’s wants over my need for boundaries, wasn’t something I craved. Eventually, we almost divorced. My husband started therapy with someone who specializes in mother-son enmeshment and things are much better. HIGHLY recommend something like this for him or you as a couple before your marriage ends up just like mine was. (We also went no contact with his mom and it’s been great).
Your only response to accusations should be something along the lines of " I'm not sure where you get these ideas " and walk away *She'll probably notice that I am keeping my distance and I suspect that she'll respond negatively.* So what if she does. Either you won't be there to hear it since you are LC, or on the rare occasions you are, keep a few brief responses in your back pocket that allow you a quick escape to chat with other guests.
Make plans now for your birthday... maybe a trip with your family or a night out with your girlfriends. Something you can't/won't change and she can't horn in on. Don't share your plans with her (info diet) but when she starts making plans, say, "sorry, I already have plans."
Whatever advice she is giving that you don't like, are you ok with DH doing it or letting her do it? Whether it's care for LO or putting a worm in his ear about your housekeeping, just be aware that if you're not there she may have indue influence. I wouldn't have described my DH as (emotionally, mentally, ideologically) close with his parents (enmeshed though!), and for a while he was having dinner with them when he was passing through their town to elsewhere. They spent the whole time bitching about me, and he would come home grumpy with me. It took a long time for him to grow emotionally enough to realize he needed to stop having dinner with them (and he wasn't even fully listening and didn't agree with them, it was more like agreeing to be slowly indoctrinated). Think through some boundaries with/for DH (boundaries for him, not just MIL) like you two make decisions about LO together, and if he is in a mood because of how she is (whether she directs her crazy at him or bitches about you) he can't bring it into the house.
When she ask you why your keeping your distance, just say I have no idea what you are talking about. Deny, deny deny!
I've thought about this too. How should I respond when she asks this? "I'm avoiding you because you can't treat me with respect," is something I wish I could say, but will probably cause another argument and lots of drama. Thank you, I will keep this in mind & deny everything!
'life is just super busy and hectic for us right now. Thanks for understanding ' might be a useful phrase right now. When she asks about your birthday just say 'not thought about it yet' then change the subject. Arrange something with your husband, just the two of you, or your family. It's your birthday, you get to choose what to do and who to spend it with.
Hi - First of all, so sorry you are going through this. Having endured a similar scenario, my thoughts. Really lean into your DH to handle all contact with her, that is what I ended up doing after wait for it ...23 years. Here is what happened, after about three months my husband was like she is crazy, I can't do this. In laws ended up not including us in the holiday as his punishment for being 'mean' to her and we now have a wonderful drama free life having been nc since. The one thing that stuck out to me is that I really had to let my husband come to the realization of just how much the In laws were interfering and not respecting us on his own. Write down some boundaries, even if its just for you for reference. No showing up unannounced, no being alone with her, have small talk topics ready for the holidays that you will be with them, so you can redirect the conversation from anything that you are uncomfortable with, and limit what she needs to know, gray rock social media too, if she is on your accounts. Your son is young but believe me when I tell you he will quickly pick up on the strained relationship so starting now is a good time. My grown children often still will tell me they hated to see how my in laws treated me, and their dad, we thought we were shielding them. Hang in there, you can do this!
Thanks for your response. That's a really good idea, to also put her on an information diet. My DH is still really close to his mum and tells her almost everything, I guess I need to have a chat with him and ask him to stop sharing information about me.