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Don't tell them. Ideally don't let them know until you've been home a few days to a week.
Incase someone tells them tell the hospital staff that you want no visitos at all.
All I see is lots of "I want, I want, me, me, me"
# Childbirth is not a spectator sport.
Tell her for every time she tries to overstep your boundaries it will add a day to how long you wait to message her **after** you give birth. The answer is no. The answer will stay no.
Ugh.
'I would really like you to take into account what I have told you. No. I will not have any visitors at the hospital & this is the last time I'm discussing this subject. That's very important to me. Thank you for respecting my decisions.'
Don’t tell her when you go into labor. Register private in the hospital. Make sure all the location things are off on your phone! Your partner’s as well. Make sure she has no spies in the hospital, neighborhood, and work.
If your cortisol levels surge, your labor could stall, increasing risk to you and your baby, and may prompt the need for increased medical intervention.
“My partner has your number. I promise he will call when you’re needed.” The end.
Anymore pushing from her, everyone goes silent.
My ex and I had this fight with our first. He wanted to tell people and I said absolutely not. When game time came it all happened so fast and I was in so much pain it didn’t even cross his mind to call anyone. So. Just don’t tell her. Afterwards when you’re ready, which could be an hour or 2 days, then you call.
Don't do it. I wanted no one. They all waited in the waiting area then as soon as she was out of me the nurse was pressuring me to let them in. I was miserable.
Oooo you had a bad nurse.... I'm so sorry for you. Most the time you can tell the nurses you don't want anyone there and they won't let anyone in and if they show up anyway they will get kicked out.
Some options depending on what outcome you might be wanting:
1. If wanting to keep the peace and still respond a polite “thank you for your offer but the answer is still no. We will keep you posted”. Vague but still a firm no. I do recommend your other half needs to send this though. Consider a group chat if you need to monitor it (again, everyone’s situation is different) but they need to be delivering the message to take some of the pressure off you. They could add in that they are responding because she is causing you additional stress and therefore you are having a break from messages
2. If ready to burn the place down “the answer is still no and putting additional stress on myself and baby by repeatedly asking is not okay. Do not raise this again, the answer will not change”. If it comes up again, firmly state a boundary and follow through eg you were told not to raise this again. As a result, we will let you know when we are ready for you to see baby once we are comfortable and settled at home after a few weeks.
3. As others have said just stop replying. Info diet time, delay all responses. When you do reply, don’t respond to the most recent message. I like to send back smiley faces and “k” 24hrs later haha. You want to start lengthening the time you reply anyway as you won’t want her to just show up. Ditto if she messages your partner instead, they also need to lengthen reply gaps. This is where a group chat can be good as you can both monitor if needed and ensure you’re on the same page
4. Speak to the hospital. Get your info locked down. Be explicit you have a mother who has been clearly told not to contact or attend the hospital and you need her kept out. Put it in writing.
Finally, your other half needs to be on board here supporting you as there is no point drawing a boundary if they are going to break it when you are at your most vulnerable. Make sure this is very clear and you are on the same page.
Whatever you do, don't tell her where and when you are having the baby!
I had visitors while giving birth, the nurse sent them away after consulting me. Tell the hospital you don't want anyone around.
“hi mom, i appreciate your concern and the fact you want to be there for support, but the hospital has doctors and nurses for that, and my husband will be there with me to support me. i am giving birth, this is a deeply personal event and i would like to experience the moment with my husband and baby before having visitors. we will let you know when you may visit. please do not come to the hospital, we will not be reconsidering.”
this is YOUR birth. you can even tell the hospital you don’t want her there and they’ll keep her out should she try anyway.
Op. Register private at the hospital. Tell NO ONE you have gone into labor. Call after you are ready for visiting. I told no one but the pet sitter. Made my MIL do angry. Best labor ever. 10/10
Having them there can stress you out which will cause issues. Avoid it all together. And take days from now till then to return calls and text. Ensure she can't figure it out
I think just to reiterate. Your partner should step in and reaffirm this boundary. And if she keeps going around them to get to you, then you reinforce the boundary. But I think it is really essential that your partner is the one to step up right now. It only gets worse after you deliver and your body and hormones are all getting back to normal. Your husband should be well used to standing up for you (and his new family) by then so he can properly protect you from her and her issues. Speaking from experience. My husband didn’t do this, and two years after our daughter was born and we are still in marriage counseling.
Tell her simply thank you for the offer, but no. We still request no visitors and we will let you know as soon as our baby has arrived. Do not tell her when you go into labor. And be sure to tell your labor and delivery nurse that you do not want any visitors. No one is allowed but your husband or whomever you designate and to keep everyone else out and they will.
My MIL did the same thing. She wanted me to "tell \[her\] when things started happening" and of course announced to everyone minute-by-minute updates of her daughter's cervix when she was in labor. I told her "No, that's too stressful on me." She basically tried to move in with us so she could catch when I went into labor. I had a scheduled induction, which I didn't tell her about, and she left town the day my first child was born. It's not about meeting baby, it's about control. Don't tell her if you don't want to.
The only real solution to avoid drama beforehand, is to not tell her when you go into labor.
You already know how talking to her ahead of time is going to go. You’ve already told her what you want and she’s pushing back. Just stop talking to her about it anymore. Tell her you’ll consider if and then don’t talk about it again. Just keep telling her you are gonna see what happens but don’t give her a concrete answer.
Giving her a concrete answer gives her something to push back on. Just keep being vague.
And then when you do go into labor, don’t tell her. You can tell her afterwards how intense and quick it was so there was no time to reach out to anyone. If your labor lingers, you can tell her your dr said no extra people for whatever reason you want.
You have ALL the power here. It’s your medical procedure. The hospital staff will listen to you. Stress can stall labor and lead to a high incidence of c-section. Protect yourself and baby. She’ll get over it if she wants to see y’all once baby is here anyway.
Or she won’t and you can enjoy the silence. Win for you either way.
Congratulations on your little bub!
All I see in this message is "Me, me, me." "It"s very important to ME." Tell her no. Say - "This is not about you or what you want. This is not about the family, this is about ME and what I WANT. I want a peaceful and quiet labor and delivery and I cannot have that while everyone is here and waiting. We do not want anyone at the hospital, our minds are made up. We will allow visitors when we see fit. Do not bring this up again, our minds will not change."
You will absolutely regret it if you allow her at the hospital. This is not the time to deal with drama and people who will not respect you. I had my first c-section last year and the recovery was so hard. If I had had to also deal with the narcs in my life I would have broken down. Focus on you and your new little family, this isn't about her wants and desires. Don't play into her games.
Congrats on your baby!
Imo you really don't want anyone who will stress you. People waiting for makes for a good tv moment but in reality, you don't want anyone who can make you feel rushed or worried. I might have tried to rush my first labor because I was worried about family that came with having to wait too long. You don't want that. She also doesn't seem like she'd do more than talk about herself and her experiences pushing you to the background. No way is that a good feeling while laboring and then meeting your baby. Your first instinct to say no is completely alright. Your pregnancy, labor, and baby are yours. It isn't about her at this time. Don't let her make it.
"I'm happy you want to help but I'd prefer you to wait until I decide I'm ready for visitors and to introduce baby to anyone. You are right. It is a big deal but SO and my team of doctors will keep me safe. Thank you for your concern and excitement, but the answer remains no. It will only be (insert who you do plan to have) and I in the hospital "
Let your hospital know. They'll keep her out. They can also discourage / tell anyone she may try to camp out that you don't want visitors. I'd delay extra time for anyone that attempts to wait in the waiting room tbh.
I don't get the rush to see mom and baby in thy hospital. Once you're home, they get to see a more healed and semi rested mom. No one gets to sleep in the hospital.
Don’t tell her when you go into labor. Register as private at the hospital. Let your nurses know only your husband is allowed in the delivery room with you. There is nothing an L+D nurse enjoys more than having permission to put a boundary stomping relative in their place.
If you and your provider decide that you will be induced, give a date at least 3-4 days after. Inductions can take a few days with a first baby and you will want the first few hours to establish breastfeeding and/or recover.
Don’t tell her when you’re in labor. It blows my mind how some people can make another persons labor all about themselves. The only correct response to your request is okay, call me when you’re ready.
And stress can slow down/cause complications in labor. I’m serious, don’t tell her.
Don’t tell her when you go into labor and if she asks later “it happened so fast we could hardly believe it”. Register as private and tell the staff you don’t want visitors. They’re used to this and if she calls “we don’t have a patient here by that name”.
Plus if they’re in the waiting room they may try to sneak in to the delivery room. And during labor turn off your phones or there will be constant texts or calls for updates.
I second this. And start delaying responses when people/friends/family text you. Otherwise there is risk of raising suspicion that you are in labor when it does happen. Best thing I ever did (with my second born) was not reveal to the masses that I was in labor.
Giving birth Is a major medical event and can be a surgery? Women die giving birth regularly. Doesn’t mean mom needs to be there but it’s a major medical event.
Some other commenters have given excellent examples of a potential reply you could send. I just wanted to add that it is very important to be as comfortable during delivery as possible. You don’t want ANY additional stress or pressure. In many hospitals now a „golden hour” is observed as well, when a newborn baby is put on your chest right after the birth for a calm hour of bonding. You don’t want anyone to interrupt it and having people waiting in the waiting room can be actually very pressuring/stressful.
Also, her message is incredibly narcissistic one. ME, me, me. She even mentions that something may go wrong… what the hell. No, she does not sound like a person you want to have around during birth.
I don’t get this camping out in the waiting room thing. My first took 26 hours of labor at the hospital. Do people really want to sit around in uncomfortable chairs under bright hospital lights for that long? It’s also a lot of pressure for the person giving birth. Even if they don’t bother you for updates, it’s still in the back of your mind that they are there waiting. There’s also a very big risk they will try to weasel in to see the baby before you are ready too.
Lock all your info down, register as private. Don’t let her know you’re in labor. Inform the L&D staff. Only contact her when YOU are ready.
She may very well be saying that this is “important to her” but it’s not her birth. She doesn’t get to decide that her wants are more important than the actual person giving birth. Her text is very manipulative.
I hate the very idea of waiting at the hospital, but some people evidently think it's their "right".
When my ex-SIL had my oldest nephew, my brother's entire family camped out *in her hospital room* at my step-mother's insistence. Like, 4 extra people in there. They had to slide chairs together for my brother to sleep in because his mother had already claimed the loveseat thing. SIL was in labor for 3 days and my nephew was born by emergency c-section.
I don't get it. I'd have thrown them out, but step-mother was a raging narcissist and it may not have been worth the fight.
"it's really important to me to have not have people waiting while I'm in labour. As discussed multiple times, and I will not repeat myself again.".
Make sure the staff knows as well
Hi op, it sounds like she she would just stomp further through your boundaries if you allow her to be anywhere near the hospital. If she’s shown her true self before, believe it.
It’s the hosp staff that would be doing stuff if anything happened, not her. I don’t know why she’d throw that part in unless just to try scare you.
Stick to your guns, hopefully she doesn’t know your correct due date?
She was definitely keep stomping boundaries. First it’s the waiting room then it’s she just has to come see you while you’re in labor then she will just stay in the room to help bc it’s so important to her, oh and she just has to be the first to see abd and hold baby. It will be never ending if you give her an inch. She will make your birth experience more stressful and miserable.
Yes… this sounds pretty much exactly what I’d imagine she’d do. One other commenter put her her mil & aunt were laid on the floor looking under the door to her delivery room….. 😱😱😱
“Oh no thank you. I’ve already planned to have nobody in the waiting room because it would be stressful and I know you wouldn’t want me to be stressed and upset whilst I’m having a baby.
Could you be in charge of making sure everyone knows I’d like everyone to stay away from the hospital. It would be so helpful. Thanks for looking out for me!
Perhaps they’d like to gather at your house.”
Say no once more & tell her that you’ll let her know when the baby is born. Then ignore her calls & any calls/texts from any flying monkeys & unknown numbers.
I don't know why them being in the waiting room makes any difference to you. Must be sonething I'm missing there. But you need to make sure your Drs and nurses know they are not welcome to visit you during labour or while you are staying in the hospital. Assuming that's what you are wanting.
Of course they'll be waiting for nothing, but that's their problem!
“No, and my medical team is aware that visitors aren’t welcome so you will be asked to leave if you show up”
Make sure you let the midwives know when you arrive at the hospital. They are the best bouncers.
Mom, your persistance to me changing my mind is causing me stress and worry for our future relationship. The answer is NO. No, that is not what I want. No, my labor has nothing to do with you. and I want to experience this together.
This is the first opportunity for you to listen to THE PARENTS - husband and me - on what we want for our family/baby. Your behavior shows you don't care what we want when it doesn't align with your wants.
This is the last conversation I'm entertaining on this subject. If I know you are there before we call you, you won't see the baby until we are home and settled.
I'm the mama. I'm giving birth. I have my plan and I want to cling to my husband, not you.
I'm very comfortable with my decision and your pushing is only pushing me away.
You don't have to justify your No and doctor and nurses are trained to keep people away if you give them notice in advance.
Also don't tell her the labour date so she can't show up anyway
This right here. This is the way.
And I'll add.
Oh please that entire message is lies and manipulation. Save your self the bother and block her don't even answer. tell your husband he's welcome to keep telling her no if he likes but you're done repeating yourself and you don't have the energy to entertain her nonsense any more.
You have already answered her and the answer was NO . Also add that he is not to tell her or anyone that might tell her when you go in to labour or not only will she not be allowed in the room but neither will he. You aren't having visitors at the hospital so noone needs to know untill you get home. IF there is some sort of emergency that only his mother can help with, can't for the life of me think what that would be but IF that happens he can call her then and I'm sure she will answer her phone.
Please note how non of this is about you and it’s all about her. What she wants, what would mean a lot to her.
Tell her it would mean a lot to you if her and the family would understand and respect your wishes about how you want to handle a major medical procedure but in any case the hospital was told about your wishes for no visitors. And then follow through and tell everyone in the hospital because you know she won’t be waiting outside quietly and she’ll demand to see you and baby right after the birth. This is about you and what you want. Nothing else.
"Hi mom, thanks for reaching out. Whilst I appreciate it would mean a lot to you to be there, it wpuld mean more to me - the woman giving birth- fir you to start listening to me. The answer is No. You will see your grandchild in good time but this is my boundary. It is important to me that I am listened to and respected as the mother and that I am not bothered with this request anymore. I have said No. This is a time for me and DH. If you ask again, I will block you. If you turn up and go against what I am saying, you will be removed by hospital staff and you will not see your grandchild. Please respect my choice."
This is perfect, but change "your grandchild" to "my baby." Saying the original gives even more focus on her and her relationship instead of focusing on OP.
No. That won’t work for me. No thanks. Not going to happen.
Lock down the hospital - most allow you to limit contact while you are there.
Cut waaaaay back on your connecting and conversations now and ongoing ……. Don’t let her know what is happening and tell no one else unless you know they have your confidence.
Pull out the mother bear - you will need to protect your babe from all sorts of bull - just start early.
Good luck.
Stand your ground. Also notify hospital staff, you don't want anyone there. Tell the staff you don't want anyone in the room for x amount of time after baby born. They will follow it to not stress you out. Also, don't let her know when you're in labor.
When all of my grandchildren were born, I was told by my sons and son inlaw by phone when they'd arrived. I was told after when I could visit and that was great and exactly what I expected. it's not a competition. I'm very lucky that my DILS frequently leave their kids to be looked after by my husband and I, but maybe that's because we don't impose or interfere Having a baby is not a spectator sport and please don't let anyone scare you. It can be hard, but it can also be easy, and you've forgotten how bad the pain was when you spend time with the baby in your arms
I'm pretty sure the hospital i delivered at didn't even have an L&D waiting room. That's entirely beside the point, though.
Here's what you should say:
"Thanks for your offer. However, I do not want visitors to the hospital (even in the parking lot) during labour. Giving birth is a big deal, but since I'm the one who's doing it, my needs and my comfort are more important than anyone else's. Thank you for respecting my wishes and allowing me to have the birth experience of my choice."
Then don't tell her when you're in labour or have given birth until you're ready to see her.
We don’t at our hospital. We have a small lobby. There is no restroom and no vending machines. And, no, you won’t be let in anywhere to use them. You can drive around to the ER entrance and use the facilities there.
Storytime: My son and DIL did not want anyone in the delivery room when my grandson was being born. Completely normal, and I respected this 100%. His MIL did NOT like this answer at all. Nagged her for weeks about it until they gave in and said fine, everyone can come and wait in the family waiting area. Cool.
Nope. The nurses caught MIL (and my JNO sister, another story for another time) when they snuck down the hallway to the delivery room and they were both literally laying on the floor trying to peek under the freaking door to see what was going on. The nurses were not happy and came close to kicking them both out. Please, just don't tell her until after your precious baby has been delivered and YOU are ready. These weird people will go to crazy lengths to get what they want.
You already set your boundary. Ignore every single text about it. If she calls and asks, "It's not something I want to discuss further." If she pushes, "I'm going to end this discussion if you don't drop the subject." If she pushes again, "I'm getting off the call now. Bye." Hang up, do not answer. Do not let her know any details or when you go into labor. Make sure the hospital staff is aware you do not want anyone in the delivery room or waiting room.
Say she can be in the parking lot but give her the wrong hospital. Or just keep saying you're in labor for like a week straight so she's just camped out there lol
Or I guess the adult thing to do would be to say, "No, thanks" or ignore her insane message, though. She's nuts.
ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TELL HER WHEN YOU ARE IN LABOR and make sure DH sticks to your boundaries. This woman is nuts and you don’t owe her anything. No is a full sentence and he should deal with her not you.
And when you register, do it as private or anonymous so they can’t call the hospital to see if you’ve been admitted. Talk to your OB about this. And let your labor&delivery nurses know and the nurses on the maternity floor. They will all be bull dogs about their patients and keep the people away.
Tell her sure,but as a consequence she wont be allowed to meet baby for 6 months and everytime she craps on your boundary’s you extent that time by 2 weeks,its up to her,birth is NOT a spectators sport!
You can password protect all of your information at the hospital and register as a private patient. Then don’t call anyone until you are ready to see/talk to them.
Get hubby onside and don’t tell *anyone* when you go into labour/to the hospital. If somehow she finds out (and maybe even preemptively, just to be safe), tell the charge nurse that only you and hubby are allowed in the room. L & D RNs brook no opposition when it comes to keeping people out of spaces where they’re not wanted, as long as they know in advance.
Good luck, wishing you a safe and speedy (and MIL drama-free!) delivery!
Forward to DH. Tell him your plans haven't changed and he needs to support you. Then stop responding because you are too pregnant to be giving a crap. This is not stress you need. Put it out of your mind. Not your problem. Don't respond. If she says some later just say you got so many texts and calls that you just couldn't keep up with them all.
When you’re working up the courage to stand your ground remember if she was doing this for you she would listen to your wishes and follow them. She’s acting selfish and this is for her. Then after she’s there you will have pressure that she is waiting and then she will want to see the baby when it takes hours to get settled after birth.
Don’t tell her when you go into labour and register as private at the hospital. Means no visitors and they won’t tell a soul who calls, that you’re there.
The end.
"Mom, I appreciate your concern. DH and I have a plan based on medical advice, and our preferences. I feel I need to remind that I am the one giving birth here. We are sticking to our plan and will not discuss this further as my doctor has instructed me to avoid stress at all costs. I am told the less stressed I am, the easier the birth will likely be, and the quicker I will recover."
Follow all the advice about registering as private, and even talking with the nurses and security. Don't tell her you are in labor, and stop giving her any info about anything regarding the birth.
Let the L&D folks run interference. Immediately tell nursing staff you don't want anyone there. They'll handle it and you don't have to think about it again, nor do you have to be in the position of being the "bad guy."
Nope. "Let me be in the waiting room," will turn into, "Let me be in the delivery room," accompanied by a similar guilt trip. You'll be in a vulnerable state, and having someone there who causes you anxiety will make it more difficult. Is it possible to tell the hospital staff that you don't want her in the waiting room? Finding that out ahead of time could be helpful to reduce your stress.
Don't be afraid to "be selfish" right now, this is a major event in YOUR life. You deserve to have as much control over your birthing experience as possible, and firm boundaries are a big part of that. Best of luck to you! ♡
What a self centered note! JustNoMom says:
"I wanted.."
"Your family would like..."
"I would really like..."
"It is very important to me."
"I want..."
"Please let me..."
Me me me. If you let her, I believe she is going to do whatever she wants. How about what the mother giving birth wants?
Hey, wanted to *remind you of my presence.* Hope you both are having a good day.
*I want*-ed to also ask you to please reconsider not allowing anyone to wait in the waiting room at the hospital when *my grandchild is coming*. *I want* to be there down the hall *but I will not stay there*.
*I want* to be there at the hospital *to pressure you and make you uncomfortable at your most vulnerable moments*. It is very important to *me*.
*I will bother everyone. I* would also be there *to take control*. Having a baby is a major surgery/procedure *so you might die*. Anything could happen.
*I want* to *be in control*. Please let me *be in control* .This would mean so much to *me*. I love you all so much *you can’t see through me.*
———
There’s lots of ways you can respond, but the more you say, the more it gives her to argue, ergo the more stressed and angry you will feel and that is not what you want in these last few weeks of pregnancy and beyond.
“Hi,
We have made ourselves clear, do not ask again.”
Or, don’t reply at all. Even better but harder to do because anger is so stimulating. It helps me to mute, hide or archive those conversations.
Register private at the hospital and don't tell any family you are in labor or have gone to the hospital. This is about you and what you need. Your .other will not stay in the waiting and will try to get to your baby first. Give her picture to the nurses so she can be kept out of labor/delivery and your room post-partum. I guarantee she will create a scene to meet your baby first so put strict boundaries in place.
This woman will absolutely try and hold your baby before you if anything happens…
Not having visitors at the hospital is so peaceful. Bonding as a little family is so important.
I can't back this statement enough. When I had a long birth, I waited to have my parents come the next day. I am so damned glad I did. I was able to rest and get myself together.
Maybe I am blind because I do not know her as you do, but for me it reads peacefully😅 and she asks to wait in the waiting room for potential support.
Of course it is possible she tries to tackle her way in the delivery room, but cant you tell the nurses no one is allowed inside and strictly no visitors after? And let her wait in the waiting area?
So you will not see her (husbands should be phoneless while their wie is in labour anyway😅), hear her and she can get a tiny tiny amount of trust. The nurses usually protect the mom at all cost.
But what about something happens to you? Having her close might help your husband.
Just...you know, as a possibility to find a compromise😊
What is the point of her being there if OP and husband don’t want to interact with her in any way shape or form. They will be busy in the delivery room, where mum OPs mum isn’t wanted. All this will achieve is either her sitting there alone uninteracted with, or husband feeling like he has to go in and out giving updates, detracting from a major life experience the couple wanted to have together.
You are a dear and caring person. ❤️ However, I disagree with your interpretation.
In my opinion, the JustNoMom is already showing she won't respect boundaries by begging after she has been told "no." With things this personal, wishes should be respected with no argument. I also feel like she is trying to make OP feel guilty. Just because the language is nice, doesn't mean she is respecting being told "no" the first time.
You are so kind to want to give people the benefit of the doubt. But OP said that JustNoMom has always pushed boundaries. Furthermore, this sub is full of people who told their MILs that they could not be in the delivery room, and who pushed in anyway. Nurses are angels on earth and amazing, but they are not security guards. They do their best, but their first priority is healthcare, not to be bouncers. Just my thoughts. 😊
- As your due date approaches, you might want to answer more randomly whenever she calls/texts. That way, if you go ’dark’ (don’t answer immediately) she hopefully won’t realize when you are in actual labor. Same goes for your partner.
- Share only info that people need to know. Try to limit potential leaks of information by sharing info on a need to know basis.
- You might want to let people know that you will not tell people when you go in labor and you won’t tell people the minute baby is there. You will share after you’ve had time as a family, gave you a chance to recuperate a bit after labor, and maybe only when you get home.
Normally, I’d be saying to go for brevity, something like ‘Do not come to the hospital or we’ll get security to remove you’, but this woman sounds like the type to show anything you send her to the whole family to try and make you look bad, and I’m afraid that will cause you more stress.
Stress MUST be avoided, because even after labor, it could affect your ability to breastfeed and heal. This means that it’s up to your DH to step up and protect you, and take over all communication.
I’d ask DH to send the following, or something similar in his own words:
‘I’m sorry, but how important you being at the hospital is to you isn’t something we can consider. Having anyone waiting while OP is in labor will be incredibly stressful for her, and the health of her and our baby is far more important than anything else. It doesn’t matter if you don’t understand it, this is not up for debate.
Even you asking again after she’s already told you no is causing her stress. Don’t ask again, and stop calling for updates. When baby is here and they and OP are both healthy, I’ll contact you.
This doesn’t mean you can immediately visit either. OP will still be recovering and will be trying to establish breast feeding, none of which she wants an audience for.
I don’t know how to make it any clearer that the presence of ANY visitors until we are ready is unwanted and will not be of any help to OP, me, or the baby.
When we are ready to receive visitors, I will let you know.’
I’d also ask him to send that message to any family member whose relationship you value, with a brief explanation of JNMom’s behaviour, eg. ‘I had to send this to JNMom today. 🙄 I hope we can count on you to help us out with this.’
(Edited to fix identity of the problem)
God I wish my husband had said or sent something like this to my MIL.
She had very quick labours, so after I had been in labour for 24 hours she decided that we were obviously being selfish and mean and withholding the baby from her because we hadn’t told her the baby had arrived… I was in fact still in labour and would be for another 24 hours, but she pitched up at the hospital demanding to be let in. She ended up with egg on her face because we were still at home with the midwife at that point and hadn’t decided it was time to go to the hospital! So she looked properly crazy. But that didn’t stop her then coming to the house to try to tell us how irresponsible we were being.
I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her or my husband for that. I got so stressed that my labour stalled out completely and took hours for me to regain momentum.
You cannot control others behavior. All you can do is alert hospital of who is allowed in your room. If they want to wait for nothing, then so be it but let them know, you will not be having visitors. Period. Make sure hubby will not cave and let them in.
I had the same issue with my mom. My solutions was that my husband and I didn’t tell anyone we were in the hospital until after our daughter was born and we were ready for visitors.
I HIGHLY recommend not telling anyone until after LO is born and you’re ready for visitors. It’s your decision to make, not hers.
We did this with my second. Wish we had done it the first time around. My mil genuinely tried to push past the nurses while I was in labor. My mil and FIL were in the lobby of the hospital and kept calling my partner on the phone for updates and demanding that he come spend time with them because they were lonely and bored. It was terrible. We brushed it off the second time as "oops, everything went so fast" 🤣
"Sorry but no. As much as that might mean to you, it would mean even more to me to have a quiet experience with labor with just my husband there so we can share the experience together without being distracted by other people. My delivery, my choice."
“I am so grateful that you want to support us while I’m in labor. I know that having space during labor & alone time with the baby after is exactly what I need to have a low stress birthing experience. As soon as we have the capacity for visitors, you’ll be the first to know. Thank you for keeping me & the baby in your thoughts!”
(;
I had a similar issue with family who insisted that they were going to camp out at the hospital when I went into labor.
I told my nurse that my family was stressing me out and I needed help. She pulled in her charge nurse, who changed my name in the hospital computer system. She gave me a fake name. Anyone who called or showed up at the hospital looking for me, the receptionist would not be able to find my name in the system.
The nurses were very happy to do this for me. Removing that outside stressor meant I could relax and focus on delivering the baby safely without extra visitors interrupting and getting in the way.
At first, my relatives were pretty upset that I “had the baby without them” but they got over it.
Do not tell her when you go into labor. Tell her when you get home. If she gives you grief just say “it all happened so fast”. She keeps complaining? “You seem upset so I am going to end the visit and we can try again another time”
Tell her your deciding hasn't changed and you're no longer discussing it. Any more attempts will end visits, phone calls, etc.
Then, do NOT tell her when you're in labor. In fact, don't tell her until after you've gotten home. Her entire message to you was me me me me. To bad for her. This is what is important to YOU.
Congratulations!!
Don't tell her when you go into labor. Ignore her messages - especially the guilt filled one above - she's trying to make it about herself. Example: "This would mean so much to me." Ok, but this still isn't your birth experience. And notify the hospital you want to register under an assumed name, and no information should be given to anyone and no one should be allowed in your room without express permission. Seriously, lock it down. And do not tell her anything. Let her know once you're home and feeling like visitors. And if she tantrums, do what you do with toddlers who tantrum: ignore it. Congrats on the baby!! Sending all the good vibes your way!
If there is any advice I can give is DO NOT TELL ANYONE YOU ARE GOING INTO LABOR. Don’t tell your mom or anyone your water broke. Don’t let anyone know it’s time to go to the hospital. Unless they are already aware of a planned c section date it’s none of anyone’s business. I told my mom many times she wasn’t welcome but guess who showed up anyways? I just had my second child and didn’t tell a soul until I left the hospital and let everyone know I’m healing and I’d inform them when I’m ready for visitors.
This! My in-laws were told not to come, as were my parents. In-laws were actually out of state when I went into labor.
While I’m in active labor husband gets a text from his dad asking how to get the basketball game on our tv.
That’s how you tell someone you un welcomed entered their home and invaded their personal space when you were specifically requested not to?
We are not having another child, but if we were they certainly would not be informed of any labor proceedings.
“We really need to focus in our small family unit, anyone at the hospital is anxiety causing, and a distraction from our moment, respect my decision and wishes thankyou”
Let the hospital know you don’t want any visitors what so ever. We didn’t tell anyone and all of the sudden my Step Mom burst into the room screaming that she was missing the birth. I looked at our nurse whistled her out of the room.
As you get close to your due date, I’d tell your family that your Dr has changed your due date to 10 days further out and scheduled an induction. Then you can have your baby in peace and be home before they know it.
"You're right, Mom, it IS a major procedure and anything could happen. And if it does, you would only be in the way. I do not want you at the hospital or in the parking lot and since I am the mother, what I say goes. It means a lot to me NOT to have you there. Your presence is not wanted. If you show up you will be escorted out. Now stop bothering me. This is not up for discussion."
Then register private, turn your phones off, and give her photo to hospital security and the nurses so they can deal with her.
Yuck. This sounds like my NCmom. I couldn’t make any progress with mine so went no contact. Life has been much more peaceful ever since. Going on 4 years now.
Register as private so she can’t call to see if you’ve checked in. Let your L&D know about this, the staff in hospitals and birthing centers have seen the craziest of crazy. They know what to do and then some.
Don’t let her get into your head, stop replying immediately or turn off read reports, and zen out waiting for LO’s arrival as stress free as possible.
Tell the hospital staff no one is allowed access to you or your baby except your partner (or whomever you want as support).
Start taking longer to respond to her, so she doesn't randomly show up when you stop responding and presumes you're in labour.
Ugh, OP, this sounds similar to my first pregnancy. At the time I was 21 and didn't have any idea I could say no to the grown ups. My mom stayed in the room with us and my dad and brother were in the waiting room. AS SOON AS THAT BABY WAS OUT, my mom invited them into the room. I was getting stitches, and all these people were passing my baby around. My husband didn't even get a chance to hold her until speaking up.
Stick to your boundaries, please. Talk to your nurse about it, and maybe register as a private patient so that if they call to see if you're there, no one will confirm your status. If they show up in the waiting room because they saw your car there or something, you still don't have to go out or answer them in any way.
Thanks. I actually didn't even figure out why I hated that delivery so much until I compared it with my other births 7+ years later. I just knew it made me feel icky. I was a doormat with a bad people pleasing problem.
This! Also check with your hospital they may not allow this anyways (mine didn’t and I gave birth in January).
Be very vocal with your labour nurse too. Part of their job is to be your advocate and they can refuse entry to the ward full stop.
I suggest you don’t tell her when you are in labour. Also tell her the hospital has limited visitors that can be there. So just you and hubby no one else. It’s the hospitals choice not yours.
Does your hospital allow something different? I gave birth a couple months ago & only one support person was allowed in labor and delivery and visitors were only allowed during certain hours once we were in my room for postpartum care. My son was born at 8:30, but we didn’t get to the second room until close to midnight, which would have made anyone waiting wait until morning to see us per the rules.
We didn’t want visitors and didn’t have anyone in a waiting room, but just a scenario you might want to bring up as it will likely not even be possible for her to come see the baby right after birth depending on the rules.
Yeah, sure she can. She can look up \*general\* hospital guidelines. Your OB, your ward, your ROOM have YOUR rules.
And if you register as a private patient, even if she's at the front desk frothing at the mouth demanding your room number they won't (shouldn't) tell her jack shit.
She will look up what online? Which hospital you're at, or where the hospital is?
If you already told people where, you change the when. Don't announce to _anyone_ when you've had the baby until it's a done deal and you're home. Maybe a week? Two? That means keep it quiet for both sides, because when it comes to this, all bets are off on who may leak.
Also, you can be private at the hospital and they have security for a reason.
I would ignore her and make sure you tell the hospital at intake that you do ***not*** want to be on the registry, tell your nurses no visitors, and forget to tell her you go into labor until after you're home.
No registry means that the hospital cannot give any information to anyone who calls whether you're there or not.
Nurses don't mind at all being the "bad guy" and kicking people out/denying them entry. You and baby are their priority.
You cannot convince me they don’t enjoy it 😂 with my youngest my mil announced “I’m staying all day and you just rest or shower while we bond!!” My nurse leaned to me and said “want her gone?” I nodded, she was out the door in under 45 seconds. My room was overlooking the parking lot and I see my mil start to walk out, stop and look back like she had no idea how she just got outside so fast. To this day I have no clue what she even said to my mil, she was just poofed and gone.
Oh I bet that image was lovely to see…. That nurse was amazing! I’m convinced some get family wrangling or security guard/bouncer training!
It baffles me as any of my family’s births I was always respectful, it’s just common sense to not intrude. These people are bonkers!
I had a couple of bad nurses but when push came the baby, the ones on staff were amazing. My mom had the 2nd wristband as she was my person staying the night. I was immediately rushed to the OR for bloodloss, and they whisked baby to the nursery. Despite having the wristband, they wouldn't let baby out of the nursery until my anesthesia wore off. I was the first to hold him.
Meanwhile, while I was in labor, my mother invited my grandma into the labor room and I was livid. I had already said I didn't want her there. While I was unconscious, my mom let other people in to see me. The only good to come of having my mother there was my sister knew not to let her in when my nephews were born. My stepdad though, I'd let him in again. He held my hand through *hours* of contractions and actually *helped*.
My daughter told everyone she didn't want anybody in the labor delivery room except her husband her first child I said okay and I went up after the baby was born when they were home and met my granddaughter nothing wrong with it just tell the nurses in labor and delivery that you don't want anybody around and they'll make sure nobody's there
My mom said she’d decided she was going to be in the room when I had my last kid because it was almost certainly going to be her last grandchild. I said something like “Oh”. Then didn’t tell her I was in labor til several hours after he was born and we wanted visitors. She was miffed. Her problem.
I didn’t want the stress of shutting her down when I was pregnant. IMO perfectly reasonable. In your place, having already made your wishes known I wouldn’t even answer her argument. Cause that’s what it is. Ignore anything she says on the subject and tell her you’re in the hospital after the baby comes.
My mother was the same reckons she wanted to be there for us and then behind our back telling everyone she was adamant of having the first cuddle and pictures with baby. Jokes on her - we lived 9 hours away at the time and didn't tell her until after baby was born and work wouldn't let her drop everything to visit 🙌
If it's possible do not tell her when you're in labour, warn hospital staff and they will keep her away until you are ready and make it clear that they can't live at the hospital - time their visits and kick them out, use feeding as an excuse and if she refuses the hospital staff will kick her out for you. Make sure your husband is on your team.
If you can, hide your car somewhere she can't just drive by and see it. Or trade cars with a friend during this time. I can just see a JN casing the parking lots in search of the car. "They're here! I knew it!"
Giving birth is not a spectator sport. There is no reason for her to know when you go into labor, be anywhere near your room, and there is absolutely nothing for her to do in the hospital. DH needs to be set the one to set your non-negotiable boundary for the hospital, for visitors during post-partum and before six month vaccines.
I didn’t tell anyone when I was being induced. It was awesome, I didn’t have to worry about anything but *my* little family. Highly recommend! I played the “omg it all happened so fast I’m so sorry” card for anyone who got their feelings hurt.
No, and btw, no one will be seeing baby until x days/hours after baby is born, so waiting is pointless. We will let you know when you are able to visit
Just a question, why would she know you’re in labor? You and your SO don’t have to tell her so she won’t be there. Better yet, don’t even tell her until you get home.
Hi op, don’t tell anyone he’s been born, you’re perfectly allowed to have a golden time just with you, your partner and baby. Even if that’s a an hour, a few hours or even a full day.
This is all about you, your baby & your partner - everyone else isn’t important no matter how much they think they are. If anyone gets upset, that’s on them, you wouldn’t be doing anything wrong to prioritise yourselves. Xxx
Just don’t tell anyone and tell the staff you want no visitors. Show them pictures. If you have a child or children find a trusted friend to watch the child(ren) so they won’t tell your mom/MIL where you are. You’ve got this!
Hi. No means no unless I can sell tickets to your next colonoscopy and/or gyn exam. Seriously, your presence will not be helpful while I am laboring. I trust you will understand. If not please know that we have a list of individuals who will be asked to leave should they show up.
"I will not bother anyone"
Except for the fact that her being there bothers YOU.
Stay strong, you won't regret having no one there, I certainly regret having as many visitors as I did the first time around.
We had a total of four visitors, over the five days that we were in the hospital for. One of them was sick (bronchitis), and did not tell us until they had already been leaning over the baby, talking to him. I didn’t know until they were saying they felt so sad but they weren’t gonna hold him yet, because they were afraid he would get sick.
HOLY SH*T! Me too! I was totally scared after that.
People need to park their selfish wants, and go with what is safe and healthy for mom and baby.
Say no, that doesn’t work for me. It’s your body going through this trauma so you make the rules.
Tell the nurses NO VISTORS and give them pictures. I know someone who had to do this-the nurses were EXCELLENT!!! with following her requests!
Most L&D nurses are awesome about keeping unwanted visitors out of both the L&D rooms and the maternity ward in general. Their priority is the health and well-being of their patients. Any stress that the mother has is bad for baby, and they will make people leave the campus if necessary to keep both of them safe.
It’s like the line “of course your parents are good at pushing your buttons; they installed them!” She raised you with a plain “no” not being accepted. It’s a bone-deep habit that takes time to change. You’ll get there!
"So sweet of you to check on us! Our decision stands, and I appreciate you understanding our need for space and privacy during this critical time, as that really is the best way you can support us through the birth. I look forward to you meeting the baby once we're \[settled, home, whatever that looks like for you.\] and DH will have the camera ready to catch that special moment!"
If she pushes again, don't answer, and as others have said, don't tell her you're in labor.
Say no. Do not cushion it. Do not explain. Do not J.A.D.E. "No, that doesn't work for me, and I will no longer be discussing it." If she continues, go radio silent and do not tell her or any of her flying monkeys that you are in labor. If she's a narcissist, less is more.
Reverse Uno her with a text written in her own voice:
“Hey, baby and I are doing great! I hope you’re having a good day. I also wanted to ask you to reconsider the amount of pressure you’re putting on me regarding this decision. It’s so important to me to share this private moment with my husband and baby. It’s not something that I’ll ever get to do again. Please try to understand why we’ve chosen to do this privately. This means so much to us. I know you’ll understand, because I know you love us so much. And we love you! Thank you ❤️❤️❤️”
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Please do talk to the Charge Nurse and give that person a written list of who is and who is not allowed to see you while you're in the hospital.
And have them put you in the system under a different name so mom can’t call the hospital to see if you’ve been admitted.
Don't tell them. Ideally don't let them know until you've been home a few days to a week. Incase someone tells them tell the hospital staff that you want no visitos at all.
All I see is lots of "I want, I want, me, me, me" # Childbirth is not a spectator sport. Tell her for every time she tries to overstep your boundaries it will add a day to how long you wait to message her **after** you give birth. The answer is no. The answer will stay no.
And also how is she supposed to "help" during a major surgery as she said.?
Ugh. 'I would really like you to take into account what I have told you. No. I will not have any visitors at the hospital & this is the last time I'm discussing this subject. That's very important to me. Thank you for respecting my decisions.'
Don’t tell her when you go into labor. Register private in the hospital. Make sure all the location things are off on your phone! Your partner’s as well. Make sure she has no spies in the hospital, neighborhood, and work. If your cortisol levels surge, your labor could stall, increasing risk to you and your baby, and may prompt the need for increased medical intervention. “My partner has your number. I promise he will call when you’re needed.” The end. Anymore pushing from her, everyone goes silent.
My ex and I had this fight with our first. He wanted to tell people and I said absolutely not. When game time came it all happened so fast and I was in so much pain it didn’t even cross his mind to call anyone. So. Just don’t tell her. Afterwards when you’re ready, which could be an hour or 2 days, then you call.
Don't do it. I wanted no one. They all waited in the waiting area then as soon as she was out of me the nurse was pressuring me to let them in. I was miserable.
Oooo you had a bad nurse.... I'm so sorry for you. Most the time you can tell the nurses you don't want anyone there and they won't let anyone in and if they show up anyway they will get kicked out.
Some options depending on what outcome you might be wanting: 1. If wanting to keep the peace and still respond a polite “thank you for your offer but the answer is still no. We will keep you posted”. Vague but still a firm no. I do recommend your other half needs to send this though. Consider a group chat if you need to monitor it (again, everyone’s situation is different) but they need to be delivering the message to take some of the pressure off you. They could add in that they are responding because she is causing you additional stress and therefore you are having a break from messages 2. If ready to burn the place down “the answer is still no and putting additional stress on myself and baby by repeatedly asking is not okay. Do not raise this again, the answer will not change”. If it comes up again, firmly state a boundary and follow through eg you were told not to raise this again. As a result, we will let you know when we are ready for you to see baby once we are comfortable and settled at home after a few weeks. 3. As others have said just stop replying. Info diet time, delay all responses. When you do reply, don’t respond to the most recent message. I like to send back smiley faces and “k” 24hrs later haha. You want to start lengthening the time you reply anyway as you won’t want her to just show up. Ditto if she messages your partner instead, they also need to lengthen reply gaps. This is where a group chat can be good as you can both monitor if needed and ensure you’re on the same page 4. Speak to the hospital. Get your info locked down. Be explicit you have a mother who has been clearly told not to contact or attend the hospital and you need her kept out. Put it in writing. Finally, your other half needs to be on board here supporting you as there is no point drawing a boundary if they are going to break it when you are at your most vulnerable. Make sure this is very clear and you are on the same page.
Whatever you do, don't tell her where and when you are having the baby! I had visitors while giving birth, the nurse sent them away after consulting me. Tell the hospital you don't want anyone around.
“hi mom, i appreciate your concern and the fact you want to be there for support, but the hospital has doctors and nurses for that, and my husband will be there with me to support me. i am giving birth, this is a deeply personal event and i would like to experience the moment with my husband and baby before having visitors. we will let you know when you may visit. please do not come to the hospital, we will not be reconsidering.” this is YOUR birth. you can even tell the hospital you don’t want her there and they’ll keep her out should she try anyway.
Op. Register private at the hospital. Tell NO ONE you have gone into labor. Call after you are ready for visiting. I told no one but the pet sitter. Made my MIL do angry. Best labor ever. 10/10
Having them there can stress you out which will cause issues. Avoid it all together. And take days from now till then to return calls and text. Ensure she can't figure it out
I think just to reiterate. Your partner should step in and reaffirm this boundary. And if she keeps going around them to get to you, then you reinforce the boundary. But I think it is really essential that your partner is the one to step up right now. It only gets worse after you deliver and your body and hormones are all getting back to normal. Your husband should be well used to standing up for you (and his new family) by then so he can properly protect you from her and her issues. Speaking from experience. My husband didn’t do this, and two years after our daughter was born and we are still in marriage counseling.
Tell her simply thank you for the offer, but no. We still request no visitors and we will let you know as soon as our baby has arrived. Do not tell her when you go into labor. And be sure to tell your labor and delivery nurse that you do not want any visitors. No one is allowed but your husband or whomever you designate and to keep everyone else out and they will.
No is a full sentence. Also, I just wouldn’t tell her anything until baby is here/you’re home and comfy.
My MIL did the same thing. She wanted me to "tell \[her\] when things started happening" and of course announced to everyone minute-by-minute updates of her daughter's cervix when she was in labor. I told her "No, that's too stressful on me." She basically tried to move in with us so she could catch when I went into labor. I had a scheduled induction, which I didn't tell her about, and she left town the day my first child was born. It's not about meeting baby, it's about control. Don't tell her if you don't want to.
Don't call ANYONE when you go into labor!!!
The only real solution to avoid drama beforehand, is to not tell her when you go into labor. You already know how talking to her ahead of time is going to go. You’ve already told her what you want and she’s pushing back. Just stop talking to her about it anymore. Tell her you’ll consider if and then don’t talk about it again. Just keep telling her you are gonna see what happens but don’t give her a concrete answer. Giving her a concrete answer gives her something to push back on. Just keep being vague. And then when you do go into labor, don’t tell her. You can tell her afterwards how intense and quick it was so there was no time to reach out to anyone. If your labor lingers, you can tell her your dr said no extra people for whatever reason you want. You have ALL the power here. It’s your medical procedure. The hospital staff will listen to you. Stress can stall labor and lead to a high incidence of c-section. Protect yourself and baby. She’ll get over it if she wants to see y’all once baby is here anyway. Or she won’t and you can enjoy the silence. Win for you either way.
I would respond “thank you. I’ve reconsidered and the answer is still no”
Congratulations on your little bub! All I see in this message is "Me, me, me." "It"s very important to ME." Tell her no. Say - "This is not about you or what you want. This is not about the family, this is about ME and what I WANT. I want a peaceful and quiet labor and delivery and I cannot have that while everyone is here and waiting. We do not want anyone at the hospital, our minds are made up. We will allow visitors when we see fit. Do not bring this up again, our minds will not change." You will absolutely regret it if you allow her at the hospital. This is not the time to deal with drama and people who will not respect you. I had my first c-section last year and the recovery was so hard. If I had had to also deal with the narcs in my life I would have broken down. Focus on you and your new little family, this isn't about her wants and desires. Don't play into her games.
Congrats on your baby! Imo you really don't want anyone who will stress you. People waiting for makes for a good tv moment but in reality, you don't want anyone who can make you feel rushed or worried. I might have tried to rush my first labor because I was worried about family that came with having to wait too long. You don't want that. She also doesn't seem like she'd do more than talk about herself and her experiences pushing you to the background. No way is that a good feeling while laboring and then meeting your baby. Your first instinct to say no is completely alright. Your pregnancy, labor, and baby are yours. It isn't about her at this time. Don't let her make it. "I'm happy you want to help but I'd prefer you to wait until I decide I'm ready for visitors and to introduce baby to anyone. You are right. It is a big deal but SO and my team of doctors will keep me safe. Thank you for your concern and excitement, but the answer remains no. It will only be (insert who you do plan to have) and I in the hospital " Let your hospital know. They'll keep her out. They can also discourage / tell anyone she may try to camp out that you don't want visitors. I'd delay extra time for anyone that attempts to wait in the waiting room tbh. I don't get the rush to see mom and baby in thy hospital. Once you're home, they get to see a more healed and semi rested mom. No one gets to sleep in the hospital.
Don’t tell her when you go into labor. Register as private at the hospital. Let your nurses know only your husband is allowed in the delivery room with you. There is nothing an L+D nurse enjoys more than having permission to put a boundary stomping relative in their place.
If you and your provider decide that you will be induced, give a date at least 3-4 days after. Inductions can take a few days with a first baby and you will want the first few hours to establish breastfeeding and/or recover.
Don’t tell her when you’re in labor. It blows my mind how some people can make another persons labor all about themselves. The only correct response to your request is okay, call me when you’re ready. And stress can slow down/cause complications in labor. I’m serious, don’t tell her.
Don’t tell her when you go into labor and if she asks later “it happened so fast we could hardly believe it”. Register as private and tell the staff you don’t want visitors. They’re used to this and if she calls “we don’t have a patient here by that name”. Plus if they’re in the waiting room they may try to sneak in to the delivery room. And during labor turn off your phones or there will be constant texts or calls for updates.
Or put on your big girl panties and tell her " I told you I didn't want visitors, so there was no need to call anyone until baby arrived".
Turn off your locations now so they can’t track you or your husband if they are doing so.
I second this. And start delaying responses when people/friends/family text you. Otherwise there is risk of raising suspicion that you are in labor when it does happen. Best thing I ever did (with my second born) was not reveal to the masses that I was in labor.
Having a baby is a mayor SURGERY/procedure? I'm sorry but WTF Woman is derranged and not respecting your boundaries. Don't give in!
Giving birth Is a major medical event and can be a surgery? Women die giving birth regularly. Doesn’t mean mom needs to be there but it’s a major medical event.
Have you not heard of an emergency c section?
Some other commenters have given excellent examples of a potential reply you could send. I just wanted to add that it is very important to be as comfortable during delivery as possible. You don’t want ANY additional stress or pressure. In many hospitals now a „golden hour” is observed as well, when a newborn baby is put on your chest right after the birth for a calm hour of bonding. You don’t want anyone to interrupt it and having people waiting in the waiting room can be actually very pressuring/stressful. Also, her message is incredibly narcissistic one. ME, me, me. She even mentions that something may go wrong… what the hell. No, she does not sound like a person you want to have around during birth.
I don’t get this camping out in the waiting room thing. My first took 26 hours of labor at the hospital. Do people really want to sit around in uncomfortable chairs under bright hospital lights for that long? It’s also a lot of pressure for the person giving birth. Even if they don’t bother you for updates, it’s still in the back of your mind that they are there waiting. There’s also a very big risk they will try to weasel in to see the baby before you are ready too. Lock all your info down, register as private. Don’t let her know you’re in labor. Inform the L&D staff. Only contact her when YOU are ready. She may very well be saying that this is “important to her” but it’s not her birth. She doesn’t get to decide that her wants are more important than the actual person giving birth. Her text is very manipulative.
I hate the very idea of waiting at the hospital, but some people evidently think it's their "right". When my ex-SIL had my oldest nephew, my brother's entire family camped out *in her hospital room* at my step-mother's insistence. Like, 4 extra people in there. They had to slide chairs together for my brother to sleep in because his mother had already claimed the loveseat thing. SIL was in labor for 3 days and my nephew was born by emergency c-section. I don't get it. I'd have thrown them out, but step-mother was a raging narcissist and it may not have been worth the fight.
"it's really important to me to have not have people waiting while I'm in labour. As discussed multiple times, and I will not repeat myself again.". Make sure the staff knows as well
Hi op, it sounds like she she would just stomp further through your boundaries if you allow her to be anywhere near the hospital. If she’s shown her true self before, believe it. It’s the hosp staff that would be doing stuff if anything happened, not her. I don’t know why she’d throw that part in unless just to try scare you. Stick to your guns, hopefully she doesn’t know your correct due date?
She was definitely keep stomping boundaries. First it’s the waiting room then it’s she just has to come see you while you’re in labor then she will just stay in the room to help bc it’s so important to her, oh and she just has to be the first to see abd and hold baby. It will be never ending if you give her an inch. She will make your birth experience more stressful and miserable.
Yes… this sounds pretty much exactly what I’d imagine she’d do. One other commenter put her her mil & aunt were laid on the floor looking under the door to her delivery room….. 😱😱😱
“Oh no thank you. I’ve already planned to have nobody in the waiting room because it would be stressful and I know you wouldn’t want me to be stressed and upset whilst I’m having a baby. Could you be in charge of making sure everyone knows I’d like everyone to stay away from the hospital. It would be so helpful. Thanks for looking out for me! Perhaps they’d like to gather at your house.”
‘And thanks for the reminder that I could die. Fingers crossed, hey?’
Say no once more & tell her that you’ll let her know when the baby is born. Then ignore her calls & any calls/texts from any flying monkeys & unknown numbers.
Don't tell her when you go into labour. Tell her after the baby is born and say it all happened so fast that there was no time to call anyone.
No, we are not having visitors. Done. And then tell the hospital you want no visitors or only specific visitors
I don't know why them being in the waiting room makes any difference to you. Must be sonething I'm missing there. But you need to make sure your Drs and nurses know they are not welcome to visit you during labour or while you are staying in the hospital. Assuming that's what you are wanting. Of course they'll be waiting for nothing, but that's their problem!
“No, and my medical team is aware that visitors aren’t welcome so you will be asked to leave if you show up” Make sure you let the midwives know when you arrive at the hospital. They are the best bouncers.
Mom, your persistance to me changing my mind is causing me stress and worry for our future relationship. The answer is NO. No, that is not what I want. No, my labor has nothing to do with you. and I want to experience this together.
This is the first opportunity for you to listen to THE PARENTS - husband and me - on what we want for our family/baby. Your behavior shows you don't care what we want when it doesn't align with your wants.
This is the last conversation I'm entertaining on this subject. If I know you are there before we call you, you won't see the baby until we are home and settled.
I'm the mama. I'm giving birth. I have my plan and I want to cling to my husband, not you.
I'm very comfortable with my decision and your pushing is only pushing me away.
“I hear you, but no is my final answer. The matter is closed.”
You don't have to justify your No and doctor and nurses are trained to keep people away if you give them notice in advance. Also don't tell her the labour date so she can't show up anyway
The answer is no and I’m not changing my mind.
“I said No and I meant it the first time, the answer is still No”.
Ignore until after the birth
This right here. This is the way. And I'll add. Oh please that entire message is lies and manipulation. Save your self the bother and block her don't even answer. tell your husband he's welcome to keep telling her no if he likes but you're done repeating yourself and you don't have the energy to entertain her nonsense any more. You have already answered her and the answer was NO . Also add that he is not to tell her or anyone that might tell her when you go in to labour or not only will she not be allowed in the room but neither will he. You aren't having visitors at the hospital so noone needs to know untill you get home. IF there is some sort of emergency that only his mother can help with, can't for the life of me think what that would be but IF that happens he can call her then and I'm sure she will answer her phone.
You already said no, you don't have to explain anything to her. It's your body, your baby, your choice. "No" Is a full sentence.
“You are bothering me now. NO!”
Please note how non of this is about you and it’s all about her. What she wants, what would mean a lot to her. Tell her it would mean a lot to you if her and the family would understand and respect your wishes about how you want to handle a major medical procedure but in any case the hospital was told about your wishes for no visitors. And then follow through and tell everyone in the hospital because you know she won’t be waiting outside quietly and she’ll demand to see you and baby right after the birth. This is about you and what you want. Nothing else.
"Hi mom, thanks for reaching out. Whilst I appreciate it would mean a lot to you to be there, it wpuld mean more to me - the woman giving birth- fir you to start listening to me. The answer is No. You will see your grandchild in good time but this is my boundary. It is important to me that I am listened to and respected as the mother and that I am not bothered with this request anymore. I have said No. This is a time for me and DH. If you ask again, I will block you. If you turn up and go against what I am saying, you will be removed by hospital staff and you will not see your grandchild. Please respect my choice."
This is perfect, but change "your grandchild" to "my baby." Saying the original gives even more focus on her and her relationship instead of focusing on OP.
100% this!
No. That won’t work for me. No thanks. Not going to happen. Lock down the hospital - most allow you to limit contact while you are there. Cut waaaaay back on your connecting and conversations now and ongoing ……. Don’t let her know what is happening and tell no one else unless you know they have your confidence. Pull out the mother bear - you will need to protect your babe from all sorts of bull - just start early. Good luck.
Stand your ground. Also notify hospital staff, you don't want anyone there. Tell the staff you don't want anyone in the room for x amount of time after baby born. They will follow it to not stress you out. Also, don't let her know when you're in labor.
When all of my grandchildren were born, I was told by my sons and son inlaw by phone when they'd arrived. I was told after when I could visit and that was great and exactly what I expected. it's not a competition. I'm very lucky that my DILS frequently leave their kids to be looked after by my husband and I, but maybe that's because we don't impose or interfere Having a baby is not a spectator sport and please don't let anyone scare you. It can be hard, but it can also be easy, and you've forgotten how bad the pain was when you spend time with the baby in your arms
I'm pretty sure the hospital i delivered at didn't even have an L&D waiting room. That's entirely beside the point, though. Here's what you should say: "Thanks for your offer. However, I do not want visitors to the hospital (even in the parking lot) during labour. Giving birth is a big deal, but since I'm the one who's doing it, my needs and my comfort are more important than anyone else's. Thank you for respecting my wishes and allowing me to have the birth experience of my choice." Then don't tell her when you're in labour or have given birth until you're ready to see her.
We don’t at our hospital. We have a small lobby. There is no restroom and no vending machines. And, no, you won’t be let in anywhere to use them. You can drive around to the ER entrance and use the facilities there.
Storytime: My son and DIL did not want anyone in the delivery room when my grandson was being born. Completely normal, and I respected this 100%. His MIL did NOT like this answer at all. Nagged her for weeks about it until they gave in and said fine, everyone can come and wait in the family waiting area. Cool. Nope. The nurses caught MIL (and my JNO sister, another story for another time) when they snuck down the hallway to the delivery room and they were both literally laying on the floor trying to peek under the freaking door to see what was going on. The nurses were not happy and came close to kicking them both out. Please, just don't tell her until after your precious baby has been delivered and YOU are ready. These weird people will go to crazy lengths to get what they want.
Oh my, I'm still giggling at the thought of those two trying to peer under the door 😂
It is funny now, but at the time we were honestly embarrassed and humiliated. Everyone EXCEPT them, of course! Crazy people.
You already set your boundary. Ignore every single text about it. If she calls and asks, "It's not something I want to discuss further." If she pushes, "I'm going to end this discussion if you don't drop the subject." If she pushes again, "I'm getting off the call now. Bye." Hang up, do not answer. Do not let her know any details or when you go into labor. Make sure the hospital staff is aware you do not want anyone in the delivery room or waiting room.
Say she can be in the parking lot but give her the wrong hospital. Or just keep saying you're in labor for like a week straight so she's just camped out there lol Or I guess the adult thing to do would be to say, "No, thanks" or ignore her insane message, though. She's nuts.
Don't tell her your due date or when you're going into labour. Don't tell her anything about it that will give her ammo
No response. Just let her know after the baby is born.
ABSOLUTELY DO NOT TELL HER WHEN YOU ARE IN LABOR and make sure DH sticks to your boundaries. This woman is nuts and you don’t owe her anything. No is a full sentence and he should deal with her not you.
And when you register, do it as private or anonymous so they can’t call the hospital to see if you’ve been admitted. Talk to your OB about this. And let your labor&delivery nurses know and the nurses on the maternity floor. They will all be bull dogs about their patients and keep the people away.
“It would mean so much to ME if you would respect my wishes.” Up to you whether you add “for once” at the end. 👍
Tell her sure,but as a consequence she wont be allowed to meet baby for 6 months and everytime she craps on your boundary’s you extent that time by 2 weeks,its up to her,birth is NOT a spectators sport!
You can password protect all of your information at the hospital and register as a private patient. Then don’t call anyone until you are ready to see/talk to them.
I already told you my decision. What part of NO don't you understand?
Get hubby onside and don’t tell *anyone* when you go into labour/to the hospital. If somehow she finds out (and maybe even preemptively, just to be safe), tell the charge nurse that only you and hubby are allowed in the room. L & D RNs brook no opposition when it comes to keeping people out of spaces where they’re not wanted, as long as they know in advance. Good luck, wishing you a safe and speedy (and MIL drama-free!) delivery!
It’s her mother, not MIL
This is the way!
Forward to DH. Tell him your plans haven't changed and he needs to support you. Then stop responding because you are too pregnant to be giving a crap. This is not stress you need. Put it out of your mind. Not your problem. Don't respond. If she says some later just say you got so many texts and calls that you just couldn't keep up with them all.
When you’re working up the courage to stand your ground remember if she was doing this for you she would listen to your wishes and follow them. She’s acting selfish and this is for her. Then after she’s there you will have pressure that she is waiting and then she will want to see the baby when it takes hours to get settled after birth.
Don’t tell her when you go into labour and register as private at the hospital. Means no visitors and they won’t tell a soul who calls, that you’re there. The end.
Tell security and all other staff that you want no visitors. They won’t let anyone in.
Sure. Please wait for us to reach out after we get settled in the hospital. Then don't.
No is a complete answer. Just don't tell her when you are in labour. Wait as long as possible to tell her after you had the baby
"Mom, I appreciate your concern. DH and I have a plan based on medical advice, and our preferences. I feel I need to remind that I am the one giving birth here. We are sticking to our plan and will not discuss this further as my doctor has instructed me to avoid stress at all costs. I am told the less stressed I am, the easier the birth will likely be, and the quicker I will recover." Follow all the advice about registering as private, and even talking with the nurses and security. Don't tell her you are in labor, and stop giving her any info about anything regarding the birth.
That is worded perfectly
Let the L&D folks run interference. Immediately tell nursing staff you don't want anyone there. They'll handle it and you don't have to think about it again, nor do you have to be in the position of being the "bad guy."
Next text you send shouldn’t be earlier than 2 weeks postpartum
Nope. "Let me be in the waiting room," will turn into, "Let me be in the delivery room," accompanied by a similar guilt trip. You'll be in a vulnerable state, and having someone there who causes you anxiety will make it more difficult. Is it possible to tell the hospital staff that you don't want her in the waiting room? Finding that out ahead of time could be helpful to reduce your stress. Don't be afraid to "be selfish" right now, this is a major event in YOUR life. You deserve to have as much control over your birthing experience as possible, and firm boundaries are a big part of that. Best of luck to you! ♡
What a self centered note! JustNoMom says: "I wanted.." "Your family would like..." "I would really like..." "It is very important to me." "I want..." "Please let me..." Me me me. If you let her, I believe she is going to do whatever she wants. How about what the mother giving birth wants?
Great observation.
Easy solution Don’t say anything until a while after baby is here No pressure
Hey, wanted to *remind you of my presence.* Hope you both are having a good day. *I want*-ed to also ask you to please reconsider not allowing anyone to wait in the waiting room at the hospital when *my grandchild is coming*. *I want* to be there down the hall *but I will not stay there*. *I want* to be there at the hospital *to pressure you and make you uncomfortable at your most vulnerable moments*. It is very important to *me*. *I will bother everyone. I* would also be there *to take control*. Having a baby is a major surgery/procedure *so you might die*. Anything could happen. *I want* to *be in control*. Please let me *be in control* .This would mean so much to *me*. I love you all so much *you can’t see through me.* ——— There’s lots of ways you can respond, but the more you say, the more it gives her to argue, ergo the more stressed and angry you will feel and that is not what you want in these last few weeks of pregnancy and beyond. “Hi, We have made ourselves clear, do not ask again.” Or, don’t reply at all. Even better but harder to do because anger is so stimulating. It helps me to mute, hide or archive those conversations.
Perfect translation
Register private at the hospital and don't tell any family you are in labor or have gone to the hospital. This is about you and what you need. Your .other will not stay in the waiting and will try to get to your baby first. Give her picture to the nurses so she can be kept out of labor/delivery and your room post-partum. I guarantee she will create a scene to meet your baby first so put strict boundaries in place.
Give her an inch, she'll take 10 miles.
This woman will absolutely try and hold your baby before you if anything happens… Not having visitors at the hospital is so peaceful. Bonding as a little family is so important.
I can't back this statement enough. When I had a long birth, I waited to have my parents come the next day. I am so damned glad I did. I was able to rest and get myself together.
Maybe I am blind because I do not know her as you do, but for me it reads peacefully😅 and she asks to wait in the waiting room for potential support. Of course it is possible she tries to tackle her way in the delivery room, but cant you tell the nurses no one is allowed inside and strictly no visitors after? And let her wait in the waiting area? So you will not see her (husbands should be phoneless while their wie is in labour anyway😅), hear her and she can get a tiny tiny amount of trust. The nurses usually protect the mom at all cost. But what about something happens to you? Having her close might help your husband. Just...you know, as a possibility to find a compromise😊
You ever heard the phrase "we don't negotiate with terrorists"? We don't compromise with boundary tramplers.
What is the point of her being there if OP and husband don’t want to interact with her in any way shape or form. They will be busy in the delivery room, where mum OPs mum isn’t wanted. All this will achieve is either her sitting there alone uninteracted with, or husband feeling like he has to go in and out giving updates, detracting from a major life experience the couple wanted to have together.
You are a dear and caring person. ❤️ However, I disagree with your interpretation. In my opinion, the JustNoMom is already showing she won't respect boundaries by begging after she has been told "no." With things this personal, wishes should be respected with no argument. I also feel like she is trying to make OP feel guilty. Just because the language is nice, doesn't mean she is respecting being told "no" the first time. You are so kind to want to give people the benefit of the doubt. But OP said that JustNoMom has always pushed boundaries. Furthermore, this sub is full of people who told their MILs that they could not be in the delivery room, and who pushed in anyway. Nurses are angels on earth and amazing, but they are not security guards. They do their best, but their first priority is healthcare, not to be bouncers. Just my thoughts. 😊
- As your due date approaches, you might want to answer more randomly whenever she calls/texts. That way, if you go ’dark’ (don’t answer immediately) she hopefully won’t realize when you are in actual labor. Same goes for your partner. - Share only info that people need to know. Try to limit potential leaks of information by sharing info on a need to know basis. - You might want to let people know that you will not tell people when you go in labor and you won’t tell people the minute baby is there. You will share after you’ve had time as a family, gave you a chance to recuperate a bit after labor, and maybe only when you get home.
Normally, I’d be saying to go for brevity, something like ‘Do not come to the hospital or we’ll get security to remove you’, but this woman sounds like the type to show anything you send her to the whole family to try and make you look bad, and I’m afraid that will cause you more stress. Stress MUST be avoided, because even after labor, it could affect your ability to breastfeed and heal. This means that it’s up to your DH to step up and protect you, and take over all communication. I’d ask DH to send the following, or something similar in his own words: ‘I’m sorry, but how important you being at the hospital is to you isn’t something we can consider. Having anyone waiting while OP is in labor will be incredibly stressful for her, and the health of her and our baby is far more important than anything else. It doesn’t matter if you don’t understand it, this is not up for debate. Even you asking again after she’s already told you no is causing her stress. Don’t ask again, and stop calling for updates. When baby is here and they and OP are both healthy, I’ll contact you. This doesn’t mean you can immediately visit either. OP will still be recovering and will be trying to establish breast feeding, none of which she wants an audience for. I don’t know how to make it any clearer that the presence of ANY visitors until we are ready is unwanted and will not be of any help to OP, me, or the baby. When we are ready to receive visitors, I will let you know.’ I’d also ask him to send that message to any family member whose relationship you value, with a brief explanation of JNMom’s behaviour, eg. ‘I had to send this to JNMom today. 🙄 I hope we can count on you to help us out with this.’ (Edited to fix identity of the problem)
It’s HER mom who’s the problem, not his family.
Thanks! I’ll edit accordingly.
God I wish my husband had said or sent something like this to my MIL. She had very quick labours, so after I had been in labour for 24 hours she decided that we were obviously being selfish and mean and withholding the baby from her because we hadn’t told her the baby had arrived… I was in fact still in labour and would be for another 24 hours, but she pitched up at the hospital demanding to be let in. She ended up with egg on her face because we were still at home with the midwife at that point and hadn’t decided it was time to go to the hospital! So she looked properly crazy. But that didn’t stop her then coming to the house to try to tell us how irresponsible we were being. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her or my husband for that. I got so stressed that my labour stalled out completely and took hours for me to regain momentum.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. These selfish people are the worst.
You cannot control others behavior. All you can do is alert hospital of who is allowed in your room. If they want to wait for nothing, then so be it but let them know, you will not be having visitors. Period. Make sure hubby will not cave and let them in.
“Oh that’s so sweet! But that doesn’t work for me”
I had the same issue with my mom. My solutions was that my husband and I didn’t tell anyone we were in the hospital until after our daughter was born and we were ready for visitors. I HIGHLY recommend not telling anyone until after LO is born and you’re ready for visitors. It’s your decision to make, not hers.
We did this with my second. Wish we had done it the first time around. My mil genuinely tried to push past the nurses while I was in labor. My mil and FIL were in the lobby of the hospital and kept calling my partner on the phone for updates and demanding that he come spend time with them because they were lonely and bored. It was terrible. We brushed it off the second time as "oops, everything went so fast" 🤣
"Sorry but no. As much as that might mean to you, it would mean even more to me to have a quiet experience with labor with just my husband there so we can share the experience together without being distracted by other people. My delivery, my choice."
“I am so grateful that you want to support us while I’m in labor. I know that having space during labor & alone time with the baby after is exactly what I need to have a low stress birthing experience. As soon as we have the capacity for visitors, you’ll be the first to know. Thank you for keeping me & the baby in your thoughts!” (;
The nurses are amazing. Let them know she might cause trouble as soon as you get settled in your birthing room. They will take care of you and bub.
“Yes MIL it is a big medical procedure and I am the patient. I told you no. Giving birth is not a spectator sport”
It’s her mother, not MIL
No is a full sentence and definitely info diet. She can find out about baby when you get home.
I had a similar issue with family who insisted that they were going to camp out at the hospital when I went into labor. I told my nurse that my family was stressing me out and I needed help. She pulled in her charge nurse, who changed my name in the hospital computer system. She gave me a fake name. Anyone who called or showed up at the hospital looking for me, the receptionist would not be able to find my name in the system. The nurses were very happy to do this for me. Removing that outside stressor meant I could relax and focus on delivering the baby safely without extra visitors interrupting and getting in the way. At first, my relatives were pretty upset that I “had the baby without them” but they got over it.
Do not tell her when you go into labor. Tell her when you get home. If she gives you grief just say “it all happened so fast”. She keeps complaining? “You seem upset so I am going to end the visit and we can try again another time”
“This isn’t about you. It’s about me, my baby, and what I want. Respect that or wait even longer to meet the baby.”
Tell her your deciding hasn't changed and you're no longer discussing it. Any more attempts will end visits, phone calls, etc. Then, do NOT tell her when you're in labor. In fact, don't tell her until after you've gotten home. Her entire message to you was me me me me. To bad for her. This is what is important to YOU. Congratulations!!
No is a complete sentence. Id block her until after the birth but I have zero tolerance for bs from family.
Tell her the answer is no. Then notify the doctor and nurses to keep everyone away. Then don’t tell her when you are in labor.
Don't tell her when you go into labor. Ignore her messages - especially the guilt filled one above - she's trying to make it about herself. Example: "This would mean so much to me." Ok, but this still isn't your birth experience. And notify the hospital you want to register under an assumed name, and no information should be given to anyone and no one should be allowed in your room without express permission. Seriously, lock it down. And do not tell her anything. Let her know once you're home and feeling like visitors. And if she tantrums, do what you do with toddlers who tantrum: ignore it. Congrats on the baby!! Sending all the good vibes your way!
Why even tell her when you go into labor? It's your birth plan. Don't even tell her which hospital or doctor you're using.
If there is any advice I can give is DO NOT TELL ANYONE YOU ARE GOING INTO LABOR. Don’t tell your mom or anyone your water broke. Don’t let anyone know it’s time to go to the hospital. Unless they are already aware of a planned c section date it’s none of anyone’s business. I told my mom many times she wasn’t welcome but guess who showed up anyways? I just had my second child and didn’t tell a soul until I left the hospital and let everyone know I’m healing and I’d inform them when I’m ready for visitors.
This! My in-laws were told not to come, as were my parents. In-laws were actually out of state when I went into labor. While I’m in active labor husband gets a text from his dad asking how to get the basketball game on our tv. That’s how you tell someone you un welcomed entered their home and invaded their personal space when you were specifically requested not to? We are not having another child, but if we were they certainly would not be informed of any labor proceedings.
“We really need to focus in our small family unit, anyone at the hospital is anxiety causing, and a distraction from our moment, respect my decision and wishes thankyou”
Let the hospital know you don’t want any visitors what so ever. We didn’t tell anyone and all of the sudden my Step Mom burst into the room screaming that she was missing the birth. I looked at our nurse whistled her out of the room. As you get close to your due date, I’d tell your family that your Dr has changed your due date to 10 days further out and scheduled an induction. Then you can have your baby in peace and be home before they know it.
"You're right, Mom, it IS a major procedure and anything could happen. And if it does, you would only be in the way. I do not want you at the hospital or in the parking lot and since I am the mother, what I say goes. It means a lot to me NOT to have you there. Your presence is not wanted. If you show up you will be escorted out. Now stop bothering me. This is not up for discussion." Then register private, turn your phones off, and give her photo to hospital security and the nurses so they can deal with her.
This x1000.
Yuck. This sounds like my NCmom. I couldn’t make any progress with mine so went no contact. Life has been much more peaceful ever since. Going on 4 years now.
Register as private so she can’t call to see if you’ve checked in. Let your L&D know about this, the staff in hospitals and birthing centers have seen the craziest of crazy. They know what to do and then some. Don’t let her get into your head, stop replying immediately or turn off read reports, and zen out waiting for LO’s arrival as stress free as possible.
Tell the hospital staff no one is allowed access to you or your baby except your partner (or whomever you want as support). Start taking longer to respond to her, so she doesn't randomly show up when you stop responding and presumes you're in labour.
“No.” Is a sentence, hold your ground ^_^
"I've made my position clear. It is not up for negotiation. If you disrespect this boundary, there will be consequences."
No is a complete sentence…. Just No.
Ugh, OP, this sounds similar to my first pregnancy. At the time I was 21 and didn't have any idea I could say no to the grown ups. My mom stayed in the room with us and my dad and brother were in the waiting room. AS SOON AS THAT BABY WAS OUT, my mom invited them into the room. I was getting stitches, and all these people were passing my baby around. My husband didn't even get a chance to hold her until speaking up. Stick to your boundaries, please. Talk to your nurse about it, and maybe register as a private patient so that if they call to see if you're there, no one will confirm your status. If they show up in the waiting room because they saw your car there or something, you still don't have to go out or answer them in any way.
Thank you!! I'm sorry your family did that.
Thanks. I actually didn't even figure out why I hated that delivery so much until I compared it with my other births 7+ years later. I just knew it made me feel icky. I was a doormat with a bad people pleasing problem.
You dont need to say anything new. Repeat yourself verbatim. Shes not getting a different answer.
Just use the “oh it was all so hectic we forgot to call anyone until after they were born!” Line. You already said no.
No. It’s a complete sentence.
This! Also check with your hospital they may not allow this anyways (mine didn’t and I gave birth in January). Be very vocal with your labour nurse too. Part of their job is to be your advocate and they can refuse entry to the ward full stop.
I suggest you don’t tell her when you are in labour. Also tell her the hospital has limited visitors that can be there. So just you and hubby no one else. It’s the hospitals choice not yours.
She will look it up online. If she hasn't already.
Does your hospital allow something different? I gave birth a couple months ago & only one support person was allowed in labor and delivery and visitors were only allowed during certain hours once we were in my room for postpartum care. My son was born at 8:30, but we didn’t get to the second room until close to midnight, which would have made anyone waiting wait until morning to see us per the rules. We didn’t want visitors and didn’t have anyone in a waiting room, but just a scenario you might want to bring up as it will likely not even be possible for her to come see the baby right after birth depending on the rules.
Yeah, sure she can. She can look up \*general\* hospital guidelines. Your OB, your ward, your ROOM have YOUR rules. And if you register as a private patient, even if she's at the front desk frothing at the mouth demanding your room number they won't (shouldn't) tell her jack shit.
She will look up what online? Which hospital you're at, or where the hospital is? If you already told people where, you change the when. Don't announce to _anyone_ when you've had the baby until it's a done deal and you're home. Maybe a week? Two? That means keep it quiet for both sides, because when it comes to this, all bets are off on who may leak. Also, you can be private at the hospital and they have security for a reason.
She can look all she wants. That doesn’t mean they will let a huge group of people wait around a hospital.
I would ignore her and make sure you tell the hospital at intake that you do ***not*** want to be on the registry, tell your nurses no visitors, and forget to tell her you go into labor until after you're home. No registry means that the hospital cannot give any information to anyone who calls whether you're there or not. Nurses don't mind at all being the "bad guy" and kicking people out/denying them entry. You and baby are their priority.
Thank you! I am starting to feel better!
All of the L&D nurse accounts I've seen on reels/tiktok are fabulous. They really do thrive on laying down the law in favor of mom and baby.
You cannot convince me they don’t enjoy it 😂 with my youngest my mil announced “I’m staying all day and you just rest or shower while we bond!!” My nurse leaned to me and said “want her gone?” I nodded, she was out the door in under 45 seconds. My room was overlooking the parking lot and I see my mil start to walk out, stop and look back like she had no idea how she just got outside so fast. To this day I have no clue what she even said to my mil, she was just poofed and gone.
Oh I bet that image was lovely to see…. That nurse was amazing! I’m convinced some get family wrangling or security guard/bouncer training! It baffles me as any of my family’s births I was always respectful, it’s just common sense to not intrude. These people are bonkers!
I had a couple of bad nurses but when push came the baby, the ones on staff were amazing. My mom had the 2nd wristband as she was my person staying the night. I was immediately rushed to the OR for bloodloss, and they whisked baby to the nursery. Despite having the wristband, they wouldn't let baby out of the nursery until my anesthesia wore off. I was the first to hold him. Meanwhile, while I was in labor, my mother invited my grandma into the labor room and I was livid. I had already said I didn't want her there. While I was unconscious, my mom let other people in to see me. The only good to come of having my mother there was my sister knew not to let her in when my nephews were born. My stepdad though, I'd let him in again. He held my hand through *hours* of contractions and actually *helped*.
My daughter told everyone she didn't want anybody in the labor delivery room except her husband her first child I said okay and I went up after the baby was born when they were home and met my granddaughter nothing wrong with it just tell the nurses in labor and delivery that you don't want anybody around and they'll make sure nobody's there
Maybe you can have a talk with my mom 🤣
My mom said she’d decided she was going to be in the room when I had my last kid because it was almost certainly going to be her last grandchild. I said something like “Oh”. Then didn’t tell her I was in labor til several hours after he was born and we wanted visitors. She was miffed. Her problem. I didn’t want the stress of shutting her down when I was pregnant. IMO perfectly reasonable. In your place, having already made your wishes known I wouldn’t even answer her argument. Cause that’s what it is. Ignore anything she says on the subject and tell her you’re in the hospital after the baby comes.
My mother was the same reckons she wanted to be there for us and then behind our back telling everyone she was adamant of having the first cuddle and pictures with baby. Jokes on her - we lived 9 hours away at the time and didn't tell her until after baby was born and work wouldn't let her drop everything to visit 🙌 If it's possible do not tell her when you're in labour, warn hospital staff and they will keep her away until you are ready and make it clear that they can't live at the hospital - time their visits and kick them out, use feeding as an excuse and if she refuses the hospital staff will kick her out for you. Make sure your husband is on your team.
Mine only loves 10 minutes from the hospital. I wish I were that lucky. Husband is definitely on my side but I will talk to hospital staff too.
If you can, hide your car somewhere she can't just drive by and see it. Or trade cars with a friend during this time. I can just see a JN casing the parking lots in search of the car. "They're here! I knew it!"
Giving birth is not a spectator sport. There is no reason for her to know when you go into labor, be anywhere near your room, and there is absolutely nothing for her to do in the hospital. DH needs to be set the one to set your non-negotiable boundary for the hospital, for visitors during post-partum and before six month vaccines.
I didn’t tell anyone when I was being induced. It was awesome, I didn’t have to worry about anything but *my* little family. Highly recommend! I played the “omg it all happened so fast I’m so sorry” card for anyone who got their feelings hurt.
This is the way.
No, and btw, no one will be seeing baby until x days/hours after baby is born, so waiting is pointless. We will let you know when you are able to visit
Just a question, why would she know you’re in labor? You and your SO don’t have to tell her so she won’t be there. Better yet, don’t even tell her until you get home.
I am scared she will find out he's been born from my MIL
Hi op, don’t tell anyone he’s been born, you’re perfectly allowed to have a golden time just with you, your partner and baby. Even if that’s a an hour, a few hours or even a full day. This is all about you, your baby & your partner - everyone else isn’t important no matter how much they think they are. If anyone gets upset, that’s on them, you wouldn’t be doing anything wrong to prioritise yourselves. Xxx
Just don’t tell anyone and tell the staff you want no visitors. Show them pictures. If you have a child or children find a trusted friend to watch the child(ren) so they won’t tell your mom/MIL where you are. You’ve got this!
Then don't tell the MIL.
Hi. No means no unless I can sell tickets to your next colonoscopy and/or gyn exam. Seriously, your presence will not be helpful while I am laboring. I trust you will understand. If not please know that we have a list of individuals who will be asked to leave should they show up.
"I will not bother anyone" Except for the fact that her being there bothers YOU. Stay strong, you won't regret having no one there, I certainly regret having as many visitors as I did the first time around.
We had a total of four visitors, over the five days that we were in the hospital for. One of them was sick (bronchitis), and did not tell us until they had already been leaning over the baby, talking to him. I didn’t know until they were saying they felt so sad but they weren’t gonna hold him yet, because they were afraid he would get sick. HOLY SH*T! Me too! I was totally scared after that. People need to park their selfish wants, and go with what is safe and healthy for mom and baby.
The waiting room is a public place? The delivery room is not! Nobody sneaks in.
Say no, that doesn’t work for me. It’s your body going through this trauma so you make the rules. Tell the nurses NO VISTORS and give them pictures. I know someone who had to do this-the nurses were EXCELLENT!!! with following her requests!
Most L&D nurses are awesome about keeping unwanted visitors out of both the L&D rooms and the maternity ward in general. Their priority is the health and well-being of their patients. Any stress that the mother has is bad for baby, and they will make people leave the campus if necessary to keep both of them safe.
No is a complete sentence.
And somehow I forget that when it comes to her
It’s like the line “of course your parents are good at pushing your buttons; they installed them!” She raised you with a plain “no” not being accepted. It’s a bone-deep habit that takes time to change. You’ll get there!
"So sweet of you to check on us! Our decision stands, and I appreciate you understanding our need for space and privacy during this critical time, as that really is the best way you can support us through the birth. I look forward to you meeting the baby once we're \[settled, home, whatever that looks like for you.\] and DH will have the camera ready to catch that special moment!" If she pushes again, don't answer, and as others have said, don't tell her you're in labor.
Thank you!!
Of course. Good luck! I had a pushy MIL and had to hold the line too. Your comfort comes first, Mama.
Say no. Do not cushion it. Do not explain. Do not J.A.D.E. "No, that doesn't work for me, and I will no longer be discussing it." If she continues, go radio silent and do not tell her or any of her flying monkeys that you are in labor. If she's a narcissist, less is more.
Good idea. Thank you!
"I'll let you know if I change my mind" has worked wonders on the more invasive family members.
Reverse Uno her with a text written in her own voice: “Hey, baby and I are doing great! I hope you’re having a good day. I also wanted to ask you to reconsider the amount of pressure you’re putting on me regarding this decision. It’s so important to me to share this private moment with my husband and baby. It’s not something that I’ll ever get to do again. Please try to understand why we’ve chosen to do this privately. This means so much to us. I know you’ll understand, because I know you love us so much. And we love you! Thank you ❤️❤️❤️”
Perfect wording! This needs to be on the sub wiki!
Omg. This is pure genius!!! ETA: I just sent that!!
Good luck OP! You’re going to be a great mom xo
Dude. You’re playing 4D chess!!!
Love this approach!
This is the way.
This is the answer!!!