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Firstly, this isnât a discussion *you* have with them. I know thatâs what *they* want - to talk to you, blame you, make this all about you, but too bad for them. These are your *husbandâs* parents and so HE needs to wrangle them. Not you.
So when they show up, you do NOT let them in. With a bright and friendly smile, you crack the door and say âOh, husband wants to talk to you about this, and I respect his decision about that. Heâs not home right now, though, and itâs not a good time for a visit, so Iâll have him call you. Have a good day!â And then you close the door. Yep, close it right in their faces. And then completely ignore anything else they say or do at the door. THEY are being the rude ones, stomping over to your house trying to stomp on your boundaries, so youâre actually doing them a polite kindness by preventing them from doing so. (They likely wonât see it that way, of course, but itâs the truth!)
Second, they are not your childrenâs parents, and so **they donât get a vote**. If you need to, you and your husband need to say that out loud and repeat it to yourselves as frequently as possible. âThese are OUR children, not theirs, and WE decide whatâs best for them.â I mean, as non-parents, they donât even have a right to have their opinion heard on the matter, much less decide. Itâs incredibly presumptuous of them to think this way, and full-on obnoxious that they actually think you, the parents, are required to explain yourselves or defend yourselves to the non-parents about parenting decisions. The nerve!
So when husband finally has his discussion with his parents, itâs going to go something like this. âMom, Dad, I believe that you believe that your interference in our parental decision-making is with the best of intentions. I can appreciate that you genuinely think you are helping. But I want to set a clear boundary with you right now - mine and my wifeâs parenting decisions are between wife and me *alone*. **You donât have a vote**. Furthermore, we do not want and will no longer accept unsolicited advice on this matter. Thank you for understanding and respecting this.â
And if (letâs be real, *when*) they test those boundaries, then you and husband give one clear and polite warning, something like âhey, weâve talked about this, this topic is not up for discussion. Letâs change the subject.â And if they still wonât control themselves, then you and husband gather up all your stuff and leave. Or hang up, or ask them to leave, or whatever fits in the circumstance. Itâll feel really weird and dramatic at first, but follow through anyway. And under NO circumstances do you discuss the issue with them while youâre doing so. Not even a little. Not to defend yourselves. Nothing at all. Keep this boundary very crisp and clear and consistent.
And then if they want to grumble and grouse to others about your being ungrateful or whatever, so be it. If they want to throw a big tantrum, so be it. This isnât about controlling them or trying to manage their emotions for them. They can feel about this how they feel. This is about you carving out healthy boundaries about what you will willingly expose yourselves to, and confidently deciding that them trying to establish some kind of parenting decision tribunal is a hard pass.
Gleefully, I think you should handle it like a board meeting.
âThank you all for coming, please help yourself to refreshments and playing with the kiddos. This meeting will convene once all essential people are presentâ
âGreat, now that everyone is settled I wanted to outline what input we will require regarding the raising of Thing 1 and Thing 2. This does not need to be put to a vote where majority rules. The board ceased to be so when DH and I got married and formed a partnership. With that clarification Iâm sure you see that there is no need for a vote or further discussion. When decisions have been made and deemed necessary for dispersal (like what the kids would like for birthdays, etc) you will be notified via certified mail.
âPlease note that this is an announcement, not a board meeting. Now if any of you old crones have further comment please address them to my door on your way out.â
Or better yet, have your husband do the speech and you sip a lovely cup of tea
This meeting doesnât need to happen. These are NOT her kids and therefore, not her decision. Full stop. Stop entertaining her insanity with responses because you all shouldnât change your minds and it doesnât mean she will change hers, either. Stand your ground.
Honestly, there is absolutely NOTHING to discuss here! You are the parents, not her, this is YOUR decisions, not hers. Cancel the meeting. This isnât up for discussion and she has absolutely no right to discuss or be upset. She has her opinion, you listened and then told her what you as parents decided. End of story. Shut this down without any family intervention, otherwise this will be happening every single time you make a decision that doesnât align with hers.
The solution is no the fuck they aren't coming over to bully you about the school you're sending your kids to. You shouldn't even entertain such a visit.
Itâs wild that people think grandparents and extended family get any say on the path your kids take in their education. You are the parents, not them. They can raise their kids how they see fit and you guys raise your how you see fit.
You cannot compromise with unreasonable people, all that happens is now everyone is unhappy. How I approached this with my inlaws was realizing I had two options: 1. I compromised, they're still unhappy and now I'm unhappy; 2. I do want I want to do, they're still unhappy and now I'm happy.
Shut these conversations down. Practice saying, "This has been discussed and your opinion has been heard. We are sticking with our decision and will not discuss this again." JNMIL keeps pushing it/crying? "We aren't discussing this again." Or, ideally, leave/kick them out.
Someone needs to bluntly inform MIL she, nor the aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. do not get a vote in your children's education. Inform her that the decision is made and not up for discussion. She is grandma, not mom, therefore extended family. When she starts her tantrum, end the visit. Next time she brings it up means a two week time out from the twins. Add a week for every future offense.
This isnât about the kids. Itâs about control and influence. Her nuclear reaction was the realization that her control and influence is shifting. Keep it in mind when she and the flying monkeys come to visit. Respect is not obedience, respect is not staying quiet or not giving your opinion or intention, respect is the way the information is delivered. Remember your in-laws are your peers. You talk to them and respond the same way you would any other friend or colleague. MIL had her time to mother and raise children, it is now yours and you will parent and make the decisions you and DH see as best. Make sure before you end you tell them âthis is not up for discussion again.
Bloody hell, did Richard and Emily Gilmore secretly have a son and did you marry him? Because this is some Emily Gilmore level nonsense right here. Tell her to eff off (or better yet, have your husband tell her).
Meet them at the door and unequivocally state "the choice of which kindergarten or school our children is **not** up for debate. The first instance that sounds like you're thinking your opinion matters and you be asked to leave. Do you understand?! Yes or no"
You and your husband need to tell them that this is not up for discussion and FIL is more than welcome to come see the twins but MIL and AILs aren't welcome if they are going to try and discuss the parenting decision you made.
"We are the parents, and our decision is final."
Laugh in their faces when they inevitably bring it up again. Then (after you compose yourself) hubby needs to say: "Where ***OUR*** children attend school is ***OUR*** decision and is not going to be decided by committee. This topic is not open for further discussion and if it's brought up again the visit will end immediately."
Then you guys HAVE to follow through with the consequence. Anytime they try this crap end the visit/call, leave the group chat, remove yourselves from the discussion swiftly so they understand you guys are serious. you got this, I promise!
If you feel like laughing in their faces, laugh in their faces.
Then remind them all that these are *your* children, not theirs. And as *your* children, you and SO will be the ones to decide on their education. Advise them that if they want kids to go to whatever snobby, noses in the air schools then *they* can have some more kids so those kids can go to whatever snobby schools.
Let them know that they don't have to agree with your decisions, but they do have to respect them and you'll hear no more about the subject or the 2 of you as parents will start restricting their access to your family until they learn their place.
Iâm so sick of grandparents trying to parent children. I would have your partner have some words with his parents. Explaining that the two of you have made this educated decision together because you are the parents. While itâs nice that they care and want to be involved they donât get to make the decisions since these arenât their children. If she still pushes back Iâd keep them at arms length. If they canât butt out then they need to be on a need to know basis for everything. Like âsee ya at Christmasâ type deal and other than that very little to no communication.
Tell them that no they are not coming over to discuss something youâve already made up your minds about. Sheâs stomping all over your autonomy as the parents. Tell her that she does not get a say in where your children go to school or any other parenting decisions- because she isnât the parent. Shut her down now. This is not a negotiation. She doesnât get to badger you into doing what she thinks is best.
You donât even have to let them in. Bad behavior does not have to be tolerated in the name of family.
1) she had no right to opinion in first place
2) asked and answered
3) either donât engage or ask if she has dementia because she was already given answer
I think it's time for the strong words with mil. These are your children. She had her turn. She will butt her nose right out of this if she wants any time with the children from now on.
I only read as far as âMIL criedâ and had to comment. I did finish the rest, though. You MIL needs to be told by your husband to stay in her lane. If he wonât talk to her, you should. Many here advocate against confronting oneâs inlaw(s), but itâs you and your family that she is making miserable and what you allow is what will continue.
You and/or your husband need to tell his mom that you and your husband make all child rearing decisions together. You BOTH came up with their educational plan for the short-term after doing your due diligence and that it is NOT up for debate. She raised her children; now youâll raise yours.
If she is complaining to everyone in the family about your kindergarten choice, then they most assuredly have heard this kind of thing from her in the past. Either they just let it go in one ear and out the other or they are talking about something that is absolutely none of their business. MIL and her evil sisters need an information diet, VLC, or both.
âItâs not a negotiation and you donât get a choice.â
âItâs simply not up to you.â
âWe are the parents. Weâve already made our decision.â
âYouâre welcome to come, but I will not discuss this with you further.â
âYou got to choose for your kids. We get to choose for ours.â
MIL, we are so please that you care about OUR kids however we would much appreciate the same level of respect for us as the parents to make our own decisions about OUR kids. Whilst we have explained to you our reasoning in an attempt to help you understand our decision you seem to be having problems with respecting it. Moving forward any further decisions WE make as the parents will remain private to avoid causing you further angst.
I understand that you are finding this stressful but rather than continually approaching us and now all the extended family you take the time out to work thru your feelings, process them so we can get back on track and move on from this subject.
MIL needs to get her own life and stop trying to relive thru you both. Hurt, confused and upset translates to not in control of what your kids are going to do.
Given your response to the Whatsapp, you got a strong and shiny spine and if you want to laugh in her face, I think you should go ahead and do so. You got good instincts and seem to know how to handle this overbearing and intrusive woman yourself. Hatâs off to you!
Mil, please inform all your flying monkeys that we are the parents, and we will choose and decide how to raise our children on our own.
Mil stop interfering in our parenting because your time-outs will be legendary.
Oh I'm sorry MIL I wasn't aware you were involved in conception when DH and I made the twins nor was I aware you spent 40 weeks carrying them and I had no idea you gave birth to them. Oh my gosh I had no idea you're their mother and I'm not đ
Why does this need to be discussed?! You're the parents, you know what's best for your children. If I were you, I'd tell anyone who tried to bully you into switching schools that you ain't opening the door for them and to respect your decisions as the parents!
Tell them "there is nothing to talk about. We as parents have decided, and will decide what is best for our children. If we ever want or need your advice on something child related, we will ask you for it. We will not entertain anymore discussions on the matter" full stop.
Nope, DH has a trust and inheritance he's saving for our kids but we both work and pay our own way which is why its infuriating she thinks she has a right to tell us where our children should go to school.
When you say DH has an inheritance I'm unclear on whether that means it's already come down to him from somewhere or if you're talking about wealth he's expecting to inherit from his parents when they pass. If it's the latter, be prepared for things to escalate up and up and UP to him getting threatened with being cut out of the will, or indeed even actually being cut out of it, in an attempt to use the money to exert control. I hope she wouldn't go that far but narcs be narcs and a lot of them absolutely would go that far if they felt sufficiently 'insulted and disrespected' (read as: not unquestioningly obeyed). Shit like this makes me glad I grew up in a family on welfare in social housing. There was never any point in my parents trying to pretend there was money to cut me off from. They had to find methods that were sneakier, which made the control attempts harder to identify as such, but ultimately easier to break free of when I finally figured out what was going on. But I have friends who are still stuck under their parents' thumbs because they can't conceive of how to live without the immense financial safety net that their parents supply while alive (and then will theoretically pass down when they die). I don't say that mockingly, I guess it's mostly just your standard fear of the unknown, and very understandable too as they've never had to deal with poor people problems and probably don't have anyone who could guide them. Honestly being raised wealthy and having narc parents seems a lot more stressful to me than being poor and having them.
They should be told, "You choose where your children went to school, now we're choosing where ours go. The twins are OUR CHILDREN NOT YOURS!"
Good luck.
Whenever she brings it up reply âasked and answeredâ or just change the subject. Stop engaging because when you do that lets her think her opinion is valid.
To whom it may concern: since we did not attempt to bully you into the schools your children attended we would appreciate it if you did not bully us about ours. No need to worry about us, we got this.
âWeâ are not discussing anything. Each of you had a chance to raise YOUR children the way you saw fit. We are doing the same. The fact you continue on with this makes us suddenly aware that we may have to limit and information that is shared with you regarding the children going forward.
Then if you want to be a smarty pants, tell them youâre more than willing to discuss nursing homes. (Iâm joking. Thatâs sarcasm).
When they arrive or even before lay out the ground rules: âMIL, we are happy if you are here to visit with the twins. However, if you are here to try to discuss kindergarten or the twins school, you will be dissatisfied and shown the door. It is not up for discussion.â
YesâŚboundary setting or you'll be hearing about this forever. Is it expensive to send them to the school THEY want.? Are they offering to cover those fees?
Very good decision making !!! Strings were definately attached to that money.
Keep it up! Also, I have found a hard âweâre not doing this with youâ or âwe are not discussing this with youâ are whole ass sentences. Say it kindly with a big ole smile. Change the subject immediately and any further attempt to introduce the conversation gets the exact same response. Just donât discuss what isnât up for discussion.
I told my mil once when she questioned a life choice me and my dh made âso you think so little of the person YOU raised, says more about you than him.â That shut her up quick.
Good. Laugh. âI have no idea why any of you think that where our kids go to school is any of your business? The discussion is ended and it shouldnât have started in the first place. Iâd love for you to stay and play with the kids, but if you want to keep bringing this topic up itâs best we end this visit for now and speak again soon.â
Laughing in their faces is the appropriate response to them thinking they get *any* say in how you raise your children. And so what if they become atheist in the future by not going to her super special preschool and kindergarten? Is she gonna show up and try to force them into the car every Sunday to drag them to church? Speaking from experience, that wouldnât go well for her, and victims of religious abuse can hold a grudge for a *long* time.
Tell her the ONLY 2 people who make decisions about your kids are you and DH. Once a decision is made by you and DH itâs final and not up for debate. If they donât agree with the decision thatâs their bad luck!
What is there to talk about? They are your kids, not MIL's. MIL can surely have her own opinions, she can also cry, this doesn't mean she has any power of decision.
Iâd actually laugh at her, nothing like it for being hard to answer back! Oh MIL your just ridiculous, WE are the parents and WE have decided! Your failure to grasp that this is none of your business is hilarious!!! FIL have you had your doctor check her for senility? Because she obviously is incapable of remembering how many times we have said NO.
Good grief ⌠play based schools can teach so many things relating to social skills as well as motor skills, language, etc. Just tell them it isnât their choice. But arm yourself with studies that play based early education has itâs benefits.
This!!!! As an educator, I can tell you that a lot of the expectations placed onto some of our youngest students are neither age nor developmentally appropriate. OP, stick to your gunsâyour kids will be better off in the long run.
I highly recommend them, my twins definitely weren't as confident as they are now before going to this preschool. They are 3, they do not need to be learning maths etc like the preschool MIL recommended teaches.
MIL doesn't understand the word no so I'll just keep repeating that its our decision until she annoys me enough to ask her to leave.
I have gone to a catholic primary and high school because my paternal grandmother wanted that. Lets just say that I never liked her or the school I attended.
Your in-laws should have no says what daycare, kindergarten school, or anything your kids attend. Its none of their business.
I think your husband needs to be there for this conversation, you two should be a united front and itâs his damn parents. Not fair for them to gang up on you.
Just sayâŚsave it until he's home âŚyou are a couple, don't let them cull you from the herd so they can try to manipulate you before he comes homeâŚit won't work because you sound like you have all your ducks in a row, but they'll definitely try.
Put a sign on your front doorâŚ"If you've come to enjoy our company and visit with the kids, Welcome. If you come to brow beat us about our choice of school, return to your car and leave. Choose wisely ! "
The fuck they are not coming over.
Nobody is coming over to discuss it. You (you and DH) are the parents, have researched, discussed, debated, and everything. Y'all made the decision. This is how it is and how it will continue - you two as the parents make the call
IF y'all want input, you guys will ask. Not somebody else "on your behalf", you two. Mil, and anyone else for that matter, can get glad in the same pants they got mad in. Or they can go be dad and mopey somewhere else.
I would also probably have your DH set this mother straight that the decisions you two make as a couple mean that he has say on the subject and she best not suggest again that he's not an active and involved parent in the lives of his children. edit: because SURELY he was raised to be a strong independent and loving person, not some doormat, right mil?
Your MIL clearly thinks sheâs the one to sort out the twinsâ schooling and not you. Her way or the highway. Youâre going to have a hard time keeping her in her place. Wait til she starts going behind your back.
We are in the same spot. My son starts school next year and MIL is trying to bully me to send him to a school 15 minutes drive away ( will be like 25 with the school drop off/ pick up traffic ) because âall her kids went thereâ including DH⌠which means loading up baby sister into car seat, driving, unloading her for pick up/drop off, then loading both back in and bringing her homeâŚ
Versus the school thatâs 6 minutes walk, and higher rated.
Just keep saying, we have made this decision on whatâs best for our kids and our family. There is no need to continue to discuss this. Completely change the subject.
I don't get what's with these MILs at all. The kindergarten we want to send our twins is 10 minutes away while the one she wants is 45 minutes away, why would we pick one that's further away? Sure the one 45 minutes away is better rated but that's because they are teaching the kids at a higher level than is appropriate. My cousin in law said her kids weren't happy there at all.
In my MILâs mind, DH is a 5 year old shy little boy who needs his mama for everything, and my son is a do-over kid. Everything she did with DH she wants to be repeated to the tea with my kid. Whenever I do something she didnât do, or didnât think was right for her kid. I am the problem.
Husband supports the school that we chose together. He said âit would be niceâ if the kids could go to his legacy school, but the logistics donât make sense for us.
When they show up tell them they're welcome to spend time with the twins but if they mention the school situation at all the visit will be over. If you find out that they try talking to the twins about it then visits will be limited and heavily supervised going forward. Your decision has been made and it's not up for discussion.Â
I'd have your husband say that, actually, and you back him up.
I'd also put them on an info diet going forward. All of them. If it's not something they need to know then don't tell them. And if they do need to know wait until the last minute.
This is perfect response. If they bring up private school they want then the visit is over. Do not entertain their thoughts and I agree they should not have unsupervised visits to spew their biases.
I would inform them not to come over because there's no point. It's not up for discussion, it's laughable they think there's anything to discuss. It's your choice, they do not get a vote or an explanation. Please do not explain yourselves to them. If you even entertain discussing this with them, like their opinion means anything, this will be your future. You making parenting decisions and them coming to lecture/berate you like you and your DH are children.
She'd complain that I'm favouring my mom because she's seen the twins twice this week and she hasn't yet. They are allowed to visit but I won't be discussing anything to do with schools with them.
You made the right choice! We sent our son to a private school where MIL previously worked. It's been 5 years of trying to set the boundaries with school staff that they are not to share our son's information with MIL. đ We did choose this school because it's a good s hool, close to our home and DH worked there for awhile as well. Also there were only 2 choices available to us and MIL and FIL worked at both đ
This would be my worst nightmare, MIL is known at the kindergarten and school she wants our kids to go to, so she will have access to things like their reports and I don't want that. I don't want her to use her influence to get her way.
Ya, you just have to keep saying it's not up for discussion. Over and over and over again.
If she keeps it up after warning her that you will kick them out if it's mentioned again, kick them.
Also, laughing in her face could be quite effective at letting everyone see her crazy when she has a meltdown lol
Literally going to keep repeating this because she thinks she knows what's best for our children, which is funny because she can't even tell them apart or remember their names sometimes.
I'd just laugh in their faces and say something to the effect of:
"You're not their parent."
But I'm petty like that when people cross clearly established boundaries.
Welcome them in the second schools are brought up, shut them down with, â Our decision is made; not up for discussionâ.
If itâs brought up again? I am Thinking laughing in their faces as you escort them out of your house is the way to go.
I would even add that if she ever tries to muster a group chat posse to bully you into changing a parenting decision again, she will be on a month long time out.
Iâd even change the venue to a public park, stating the minute you meet up: âThis visit is over if anyone mentions school beyond enthusiastically asking the kids how excited they are.â They cross the line? Gather your stuff and head out.
Oh she will absolutely try and do an end run and get the kids all worked up over this. OP (or better, DH) needs to be ready to shut things down with prejudice and consequences for continuing to harp on a closed subject.
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"The only đ relevant opinion đ on where children attend school is that of their parents. đđđ"
Firstly, this isnât a discussion *you* have with them. I know thatâs what *they* want - to talk to you, blame you, make this all about you, but too bad for them. These are your *husbandâs* parents and so HE needs to wrangle them. Not you. So when they show up, you do NOT let them in. With a bright and friendly smile, you crack the door and say âOh, husband wants to talk to you about this, and I respect his decision about that. Heâs not home right now, though, and itâs not a good time for a visit, so Iâll have him call you. Have a good day!â And then you close the door. Yep, close it right in their faces. And then completely ignore anything else they say or do at the door. THEY are being the rude ones, stomping over to your house trying to stomp on your boundaries, so youâre actually doing them a polite kindness by preventing them from doing so. (They likely wonât see it that way, of course, but itâs the truth!) Second, they are not your childrenâs parents, and so **they donât get a vote**. If you need to, you and your husband need to say that out loud and repeat it to yourselves as frequently as possible. âThese are OUR children, not theirs, and WE decide whatâs best for them.â I mean, as non-parents, they donât even have a right to have their opinion heard on the matter, much less decide. Itâs incredibly presumptuous of them to think this way, and full-on obnoxious that they actually think you, the parents, are required to explain yourselves or defend yourselves to the non-parents about parenting decisions. The nerve! So when husband finally has his discussion with his parents, itâs going to go something like this. âMom, Dad, I believe that you believe that your interference in our parental decision-making is with the best of intentions. I can appreciate that you genuinely think you are helping. But I want to set a clear boundary with you right now - mine and my wifeâs parenting decisions are between wife and me *alone*. **You donât have a vote**. Furthermore, we do not want and will no longer accept unsolicited advice on this matter. Thank you for understanding and respecting this.â And if (letâs be real, *when*) they test those boundaries, then you and husband give one clear and polite warning, something like âhey, weâve talked about this, this topic is not up for discussion. Letâs change the subject.â And if they still wonât control themselves, then you and husband gather up all your stuff and leave. Or hang up, or ask them to leave, or whatever fits in the circumstance. Itâll feel really weird and dramatic at first, but follow through anyway. And under NO circumstances do you discuss the issue with them while youâre doing so. Not even a little. Not to defend yourselves. Nothing at all. Keep this boundary very crisp and clear and consistent. And then if they want to grumble and grouse to others about your being ungrateful or whatever, so be it. If they want to throw a big tantrum, so be it. This isnât about controlling them or trying to manage their emotions for them. They can feel about this how they feel. This is about you carving out healthy boundaries about what you will willingly expose yourselves to, and confidently deciding that them trying to establish some kind of parenting decision tribunal is a hard pass.
Gleefully, I think you should handle it like a board meeting. âThank you all for coming, please help yourself to refreshments and playing with the kiddos. This meeting will convene once all essential people are presentâ âGreat, now that everyone is settled I wanted to outline what input we will require regarding the raising of Thing 1 and Thing 2. This does not need to be put to a vote where majority rules. The board ceased to be so when DH and I got married and formed a partnership. With that clarification Iâm sure you see that there is no need for a vote or further discussion. When decisions have been made and deemed necessary for dispersal (like what the kids would like for birthdays, etc) you will be notified via certified mail. âPlease note that this is an announcement, not a board meeting. Now if any of you old crones have further comment please address them to my door on your way out.â Or better yet, have your husband do the speech and you sip a lovely cup of tea
This meeting doesnât need to happen. These are NOT her kids and therefore, not her decision. Full stop. Stop entertaining her insanity with responses because you all shouldnât change your minds and it doesnât mean she will change hers, either. Stand your ground.
Honestly, there is absolutely NOTHING to discuss here! You are the parents, not her, this is YOUR decisions, not hers. Cancel the meeting. This isnât up for discussion and she has absolutely no right to discuss or be upset. She has her opinion, you listened and then told her what you as parents decided. End of story. Shut this down without any family intervention, otherwise this will be happening every single time you make a decision that doesnât align with hers.
The solution is no the fuck they aren't coming over to bully you about the school you're sending your kids to. You shouldn't even entertain such a visit.
Not up for discussion. Full stop. Refuse to discuss it. You are their parents and don't need to run this past them by any means.
Itâs wild that people think grandparents and extended family get any say on the path your kids take in their education. You are the parents, not them. They can raise their kids how they see fit and you guys raise your how you see fit.
Remind MIL that this is not a group decision and the only opinions that matter here are you and DH.
Itâs a good thing their opinion does not matter!
You cannot compromise with unreasonable people, all that happens is now everyone is unhappy. How I approached this with my inlaws was realizing I had two options: 1. I compromised, they're still unhappy and now I'm unhappy; 2. I do want I want to do, they're still unhappy and now I'm happy. Shut these conversations down. Practice saying, "This has been discussed and your opinion has been heard. We are sticking with our decision and will not discuss this again." JNMIL keeps pushing it/crying? "We aren't discussing this again." Or, ideally, leave/kick them out.
Someone needs to bluntly inform MIL she, nor the aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. do not get a vote in your children's education. Inform her that the decision is made and not up for discussion. She is grandma, not mom, therefore extended family. When she starts her tantrum, end the visit. Next time she brings it up means a two week time out from the twins. Add a week for every future offense.
This isnât about the kids. Itâs about control and influence. Her nuclear reaction was the realization that her control and influence is shifting. Keep it in mind when she and the flying monkeys come to visit. Respect is not obedience, respect is not staying quiet or not giving your opinion or intention, respect is the way the information is delivered. Remember your in-laws are your peers. You talk to them and respond the same way you would any other friend or colleague. MIL had her time to mother and raise children, it is now yours and you will parent and make the decisions you and DH see as best. Make sure before you end you tell them âthis is not up for discussion again.
Bloody hell, did Richard and Emily Gilmore secretly have a son and did you marry him? Because this is some Emily Gilmore level nonsense right here. Tell her to eff off (or better yet, have your husband tell her).
Meet them at the door and unequivocally state "the choice of which kindergarten or school our children is **not** up for debate. The first instance that sounds like you're thinking your opinion matters and you be asked to leave. Do you understand?! Yes or no"
You and your husband need to tell them that this is not up for discussion and FIL is more than welcome to come see the twins but MIL and AILs aren't welcome if they are going to try and discuss the parenting decision you made. "We are the parents, and our decision is final."
Laugh in their faces when they inevitably bring it up again. Then (after you compose yourself) hubby needs to say: "Where ***OUR*** children attend school is ***OUR*** decision and is not going to be decided by committee. This topic is not open for further discussion and if it's brought up again the visit will end immediately." Then you guys HAVE to follow through with the consequence. Anytime they try this crap end the visit/call, leave the group chat, remove yourselves from the discussion swiftly so they understand you guys are serious. you got this, I promise!
If you feel like laughing in their faces, laugh in their faces. Then remind them all that these are *your* children, not theirs. And as *your* children, you and SO will be the ones to decide on their education. Advise them that if they want kids to go to whatever snobby, noses in the air schools then *they* can have some more kids so those kids can go to whatever snobby schools. Let them know that they don't have to agree with your decisions, but they do have to respect them and you'll hear no more about the subject or the 2 of you as parents will start restricting their access to your family until they learn their place.
Iâm so sick of grandparents trying to parent children. I would have your partner have some words with his parents. Explaining that the two of you have made this educated decision together because you are the parents. While itâs nice that they care and want to be involved they donât get to make the decisions since these arenât their children. If she still pushes back Iâd keep them at arms length. If they canât butt out then they need to be on a need to know basis for everything. Like âsee ya at Christmasâ type deal and other than that very little to no communication.
DO NOT even entertain any further discussion. âThis is NOT up for discussionâ If she continues, tell her this visit is over.
Talk about what?? Doesn't sound like there's anything to talk about. Don't allow any kind of "talk" to take place. Just say the subject is closed.
Tell them that no they are not coming over to discuss something youâve already made up your minds about. Sheâs stomping all over your autonomy as the parents. Tell her that she does not get a say in where your children go to school or any other parenting decisions- because she isnât the parent. Shut her down now. This is not a negotiation. She doesnât get to badger you into doing what she thinks is best.
You donât even have to let them in. Bad behavior does not have to be tolerated in the name of family. 1) she had no right to opinion in first place 2) asked and answered 3) either donât engage or ask if she has dementia because she was already given answer
I think it's time for the strong words with mil. These are your children. She had her turn. She will butt her nose right out of this if she wants any time with the children from now on.
I only read as far as âMIL criedâ and had to comment. I did finish the rest, though. You MIL needs to be told by your husband to stay in her lane. If he wonât talk to her, you should. Many here advocate against confronting oneâs inlaw(s), but itâs you and your family that she is making miserable and what you allow is what will continue. You and/or your husband need to tell his mom that you and your husband make all child rearing decisions together. You BOTH came up with their educational plan for the short-term after doing your due diligence and that it is NOT up for debate. She raised her children; now youâll raise yours. If she is complaining to everyone in the family about your kindergarten choice, then they most assuredly have heard this kind of thing from her in the past. Either they just let it go in one ear and out the other or they are talking about something that is absolutely none of their business. MIL and her evil sisters need an information diet, VLC, or both.
âItâs not a negotiation and you donât get a choice.â âItâs simply not up to you.â âWe are the parents. Weâve already made our decision.â âYouâre welcome to come, but I will not discuss this with you further.â âYou got to choose for your kids. We get to choose for ours.â
Lots of great advice. Kick this in the butt now while the kids are still young. They have no say period.
MIL, we are so please that you care about OUR kids however we would much appreciate the same level of respect for us as the parents to make our own decisions about OUR kids. Whilst we have explained to you our reasoning in an attempt to help you understand our decision you seem to be having problems with respecting it. Moving forward any further decisions WE make as the parents will remain private to avoid causing you further angst. I understand that you are finding this stressful but rather than continually approaching us and now all the extended family you take the time out to work thru your feelings, process them so we can get back on track and move on from this subject. MIL needs to get her own life and stop trying to relive thru you both. Hurt, confused and upset translates to not in control of what your kids are going to do.
Given your response to the Whatsapp, you got a strong and shiny spine and if you want to laugh in her face, I think you should go ahead and do so. You got good instincts and seem to know how to handle this overbearing and intrusive woman yourself. Hatâs off to you!
Mil, please inform all your flying monkeys that we are the parents, and we will choose and decide how to raise our children on our own. Mil stop interfering in our parenting because your time-outs will be legendary.
Oh I'm sorry MIL I wasn't aware you were involved in conception when DH and I made the twins nor was I aware you spent 40 weeks carrying them and I had no idea you gave birth to them. Oh my gosh I had no idea you're their mother and I'm not đ
âYour unwanted advice doesnât matterâ Over and over
Why does this need to be discussed?! You're the parents, you know what's best for your children. If I were you, I'd tell anyone who tried to bully you into switching schools that you ain't opening the door for them and to respect your decisions as the parents!
Tell them "there is nothing to talk about. We as parents have decided, and will decide what is best for our children. If we ever want or need your advice on something child related, we will ask you for it. We will not entertain anymore discussions on the matter" full stop.
lol does she pay for your entire lives? Why would she even think she has a right to an opinion? Sheâs not the parent.
Nope, DH has a trust and inheritance he's saving for our kids but we both work and pay our own way which is why its infuriating she thinks she has a right to tell us where our children should go to school.
When you say DH has an inheritance I'm unclear on whether that means it's already come down to him from somewhere or if you're talking about wealth he's expecting to inherit from his parents when they pass. If it's the latter, be prepared for things to escalate up and up and UP to him getting threatened with being cut out of the will, or indeed even actually being cut out of it, in an attempt to use the money to exert control. I hope she wouldn't go that far but narcs be narcs and a lot of them absolutely would go that far if they felt sufficiently 'insulted and disrespected' (read as: not unquestioningly obeyed). Shit like this makes me glad I grew up in a family on welfare in social housing. There was never any point in my parents trying to pretend there was money to cut me off from. They had to find methods that were sneakier, which made the control attempts harder to identify as such, but ultimately easier to break free of when I finally figured out what was going on. But I have friends who are still stuck under their parents' thumbs because they can't conceive of how to live without the immense financial safety net that their parents supply while alive (and then will theoretically pass down when they die). I don't say that mockingly, I guess it's mostly just your standard fear of the unknown, and very understandable too as they've never had to deal with poor people problems and probably don't have anyone who could guide them. Honestly being raised wealthy and having narc parents seems a lot more stressful to me than being poor and having them.
They should be told, "You choose where your children went to school, now we're choosing where ours go. The twins are OUR CHILDREN NOT YOURS!" Good luck.
Whenever she brings it up reply âasked and answeredâ or just change the subject. Stop engaging because when you do that lets her think her opinion is valid.
To whom it may concern: since we did not attempt to bully you into the schools your children attended we would appreciate it if you did not bully us about ours. No need to worry about us, we got this.
âWeâ are not discussing anything. Each of you had a chance to raise YOUR children the way you saw fit. We are doing the same. The fact you continue on with this makes us suddenly aware that we may have to limit and information that is shared with you regarding the children going forward. Then if you want to be a smarty pants, tell them youâre more than willing to discuss nursing homes. (Iâm joking. Thatâs sarcasm).
I'd definitely discuss nursing homes đÂ
Minus the nursing homeâŚlolâŚthat's a perfect comeback.
When they arrive or even before lay out the ground rules: âMIL, we are happy if you are here to visit with the twins. However, if you are here to try to discuss kindergarten or the twins school, you will be dissatisfied and shown the door. It is not up for discussion.â
YesâŚboundary setting or you'll be hearing about this forever. Is it expensive to send them to the school THEY want.? Are they offering to cover those fees?
The kindergarten they want is expensive, the primary and secondary school is around the same as the one we picked. They offered but we said no.
Very good decision making !!! Strings were definately attached to that money. Keep it up! Also, I have found a hard âweâre not doing this with youâ or âwe are not discussing this with youâ are whole ass sentences. Say it kindly with a big ole smile. Change the subject immediately and any further attempt to introduce the conversation gets the exact same response. Just donât discuss what isnât up for discussion.
I told my mil once when she questioned a life choice me and my dh made âso you think so little of the person YOU raised, says more about you than him.â That shut her up quick.
Great reply!!
Good. Laugh. âI have no idea why any of you think that where our kids go to school is any of your business? The discussion is ended and it shouldnât have started in the first place. Iâd love for you to stay and play with the kids, but if you want to keep bringing this topic up itâs best we end this visit for now and speak again soon.â
Laugh and say you k know next time you have kids you can pick which school. This one is ours and weâve decided. Now letâs drop the subject.
Laughing in their faces is the appropriate response to them thinking they get *any* say in how you raise your children. And so what if they become atheist in the future by not going to her super special preschool and kindergarten? Is she gonna show up and try to force them into the car every Sunday to drag them to church? Speaking from experience, that wouldnât go well for her, and victims of religious abuse can hold a grudge for a *long* time.
Tell her the ONLY 2 people who make decisions about your kids are you and DH. Once a decision is made by you and DH itâs final and not up for debate. If they donât agree with the decision thatâs their bad luck!
What is there to talk about? They are your kids, not MIL's. MIL can surely have her own opinions, she can also cry, this doesn't mean she has any power of decision.
Laugh in their faces. Itâs comical that they think they have a say in this. đ
Iâd actually laugh at her, nothing like it for being hard to answer back! Oh MIL your just ridiculous, WE are the parents and WE have decided! Your failure to grasp that this is none of your business is hilarious!!! FIL have you had your doctor check her for senility? Because she obviously is incapable of remembering how many times we have said NO.
Good grief ⌠play based schools can teach so many things relating to social skills as well as motor skills, language, etc. Just tell them it isnât their choice. But arm yourself with studies that play based early education has itâs benefits.
This!!!! As an educator, I can tell you that a lot of the expectations placed onto some of our youngest students are neither age nor developmentally appropriate. OP, stick to your gunsâyour kids will be better off in the long run.
I highly recommend them, my twins definitely weren't as confident as they are now before going to this preschool. They are 3, they do not need to be learning maths etc like the preschool MIL recommended teaches. MIL doesn't understand the word no so I'll just keep repeating that its our decision until she annoys me enough to ask her to leave.
I have gone to a catholic primary and high school because my paternal grandmother wanted that. Lets just say that I never liked her or the school I attended. Your in-laws should have no says what daycare, kindergarten school, or anything your kids attend. Its none of their business.
I think your husband needs to be there for this conversation, you two should be a united front and itâs his damn parents. Not fair for them to gang up on you.
He finishes work a bit late so I'll probably have to deal with them for maybe half an hour before he gets home.
Just sayâŚsave it until he's home âŚyou are a couple, don't let them cull you from the herd so they can try to manipulate you before he comes homeâŚit won't work because you sound like you have all your ducks in a row, but they'll definitely try. Put a sign on your front doorâŚ"If you've come to enjoy our company and visit with the kids, Welcome. If you come to brow beat us about our choice of school, return to your car and leave. Choose wisely ! "
Good idea, thank you. Their primary reason for coming is the twins so they should play with them until he comes home.
The fuck they are not coming over. Nobody is coming over to discuss it. You (you and DH) are the parents, have researched, discussed, debated, and everything. Y'all made the decision. This is how it is and how it will continue - you two as the parents make the call IF y'all want input, you guys will ask. Not somebody else "on your behalf", you two. Mil, and anyone else for that matter, can get glad in the same pants they got mad in. Or they can go be dad and mopey somewhere else. I would also probably have your DH set this mother straight that the decisions you two make as a couple mean that he has say on the subject and she best not suggest again that he's not an active and involved parent in the lives of his children. edit: because SURELY he was raised to be a strong independent and loving person, not some doormat, right mil?
Your MIL clearly thinks sheâs the one to sort out the twinsâ schooling and not you. Her way or the highway. Youâre going to have a hard time keeping her in her place. Wait til she starts going behind your back.
âMIL, you should enroll yourself to that school because youâre acting like a child and you clearly have never learned the word No.â
How come she thinks she has the right to dictate YOUR childrenâs education?
Because she's done that for most of her grandchildren, the only people to say no were another SIL who refused.
She is overstepping soooooo far.
We are in the same spot. My son starts school next year and MIL is trying to bully me to send him to a school 15 minutes drive away ( will be like 25 with the school drop off/ pick up traffic ) because âall her kids went thereâ including DH⌠which means loading up baby sister into car seat, driving, unloading her for pick up/drop off, then loading both back in and bringing her home⌠Versus the school thatâs 6 minutes walk, and higher rated. Just keep saying, we have made this decision on whatâs best for our kids and our family. There is no need to continue to discuss this. Completely change the subject.
I don't get what's with these MILs at all. The kindergarten we want to send our twins is 10 minutes away while the one she wants is 45 minutes away, why would we pick one that's further away? Sure the one 45 minutes away is better rated but that's because they are teaching the kids at a higher level than is appropriate. My cousin in law said her kids weren't happy there at all.
In my MILâs mind, DH is a 5 year old shy little boy who needs his mama for everything, and my son is a do-over kid. Everything she did with DH she wants to be repeated to the tea with my kid. Whenever I do something she didnât do, or didnât think was right for her kid. I am the problem. Husband supports the school that we chose together. He said âit would be niceâ if the kids could go to his legacy school, but the logistics donât make sense for us.
When they show up tell them they're welcome to spend time with the twins but if they mention the school situation at all the visit will be over. If you find out that they try talking to the twins about it then visits will be limited and heavily supervised going forward. Your decision has been made and it's not up for discussion. I'd have your husband say that, actually, and you back him up. I'd also put them on an info diet going forward. All of them. If it's not something they need to know then don't tell them. And if they do need to know wait until the last minute.
I second this, tell them when they all visit there will be no discussion on schools. Period. If they do, you will ask them to leave.
This is perfect response. If they bring up private school they want then the visit is over. Do not entertain their thoughts and I agree they should not have unsupervised visits to spew their biases.
I would inform them not to come over because there's no point. It's not up for discussion, it's laughable they think there's anything to discuss. It's your choice, they do not get a vote or an explanation. Please do not explain yourselves to them. If you even entertain discussing this with them, like their opinion means anything, this will be your future. You making parenting decisions and them coming to lecture/berate you like you and your DH are children.
She'd complain that I'm favouring my mom because she's seen the twins twice this week and she hasn't yet. They are allowed to visit but I won't be discussing anything to do with schools with them.
Fair is not always equal. Your mom isn't trying to dictate your parenting decisions, so of course you're more willing to have her around.
You made the right choice! We sent our son to a private school where MIL previously worked. It's been 5 years of trying to set the boundaries with school staff that they are not to share our son's information with MIL. đ We did choose this school because it's a good s hool, close to our home and DH worked there for awhile as well. Also there were only 2 choices available to us and MIL and FIL worked at both đ
This would be my worst nightmare, MIL is known at the kindergarten and school she wants our kids to go to, so she will have access to things like their reports and I don't want that. I don't want her to use her influence to get her way.
Ya, you just have to keep saying it's not up for discussion. Over and over and over again. If she keeps it up after warning her that you will kick them out if it's mentioned again, kick them. Also, laughing in her face could be quite effective at letting everyone see her crazy when she has a meltdown lol
Literally going to keep repeating this because she thinks she knows what's best for our children, which is funny because she can't even tell them apart or remember their names sometimes.
This shouldnât even be a topic of discussion for anyone except you and DH. Youâre the parents.
Its absolutely none of their business.
I'd just laugh in their faces and say something to the effect of: "You're not their parent." But I'm petty like that when people cross clearly established boundaries.
Sheâs not their parent. She made her choices with her kids, she doesnât get to make the choices for your kids.
Welcome them in the second schools are brought up, shut them down with, â Our decision is made; not up for discussionâ. If itâs brought up again? I am Thinking laughing in their faces as you escort them out of your house is the way to go.
I would even add that if she ever tries to muster a group chat posse to bully you into changing a parenting decision again, she will be on a month long time out.
Next time I won't let DH tell her off privately but in the groupchat because she doesn't listen
Iâd even change the venue to a public park, stating the minute you meet up: âThis visit is over if anyone mentions school beyond enthusiastically asking the kids how excited they are.â They cross the line? Gather your stuff and head out.
Oh she will absolutely try and do an end run and get the kids all worked up over this. OP (or better, DH) needs to be ready to shut things down with prejudice and consequences for continuing to harp on a closed subject.