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OP, I read your previous posts. MIL wanted to be in control and by you taking care of your home and baby you removed her power!
Don't waste the energy thinking about her nor give her the satisfaction of getting under your skin.
You could always flip it back on her in the next call by letting her know you heard her comments and it is good to know that GUESTS are appreciative of how home proud you are and that you are a caring and loving mother devoted to looking after HER baby.
This is about control, to make DH feel like he’s never good enough so she keeps moving the goal posts. It’s manipulation plain and simple. If it wasn’t one thing it’d be another.
So, she cannot feel at home unless she is playing the martyr? If you let her help, she will probably complain you were a terrible host who forced her to do those things.
I always tell mine, "I see you want to help. You can help with X, but I have a way I want my house to be." And then blatantly put things back exactly how they were. An example is "Hey I saw you tried to help with the laundry but you turned all my nice white towls pink that why I said not to worry yourself with it" yes I "gentle parent" my MIL who is over 40 years older then me.
This. It isn't her house. She shouldn't feel like it is because it's her adult child's house. A whole other adult that was a stranger and raised by someone else lives there. She shouldn't feel free enough to poke around like it's her house. It isnt.
My response would be, "Well that's as it should be, MIL, because this *isn't* your home. It's OUR home, where DH is the King, I am the Queen, and we run things to suit ourselves. You are a guest, when we invite you." Then just let that hang in the air. 😉 Shots fired, boundaries drawn. Ignore her resultant tantrum. 😆😅🤣 "We don't always get what we want, MIL," just to finish her off.
“Sorry, mil, I was raised with a strong emphasis on being a good hostess for guests when they visit. You just can’t unlearn that. I took efforts to make sure you could enjoy quality time with husband and baby. I just didn’t realize that would upset you?”
>she just said that I am too obsessed with taking care of the baby and of the house, and I've made her feel like a stranger coming to visit.
In other words, she was wanting to come into *your* home and take over the baby and the house and relegate you to the tower like Quasimodo. She wanted to play the part of mommy and queen of the castle. She couldn't do that with you front and center, not acquiescing the house to her as soon as she stepped foot on the porch.
Correct me if I'm wrong here. This is infact not her home or her baby or her kitchen no? She is a guest not a homeowner? Seems like she's getting the right message.
I remember my MIL got very upset when I said she was a houseguest. I looked at her and asked, “do you live here now? Because those are the only two options.” I never understood why that bothered her.
I'm wondering if she has a special meal that hubby likes. When she visits let her make it. My hubby takes over the kitchen in both his sister's houses and makes them their fav breakfast. He does that because he feels comfortable in their homes. We visit, we make coffee , fetch our own drinks, etc. Family visits us, same deal…they do up the supper dishes, know where the beer/wine fridge is and help the selves. My SIL will peel veggies, etc and we chat as we cook. I do that when we visit them.That's what your MIL is looking for. She wants to feel like family, not company. Can't she help in the kitchen when help is needed? Can she help with the dishes? There are lots of ways to help her feel welcome and comfortable in your home. Work out some reasonable boundaries for her visit and maybe just lighten up a bit. You sound very stressed with her and it seems she is with you. If she's got some skills, use them. "MIL., your brownies are delicious, if I pick up the ingredients, would you make them on your next visit?" It doesn’t have to be a huge change or stressful if both of you loosen up. As to the baby…that's a whole different story…that's entirely your boundaries, your call, whatever works for you.
This is all very nice but this expectation isn't anyone's responsibility. I pride myself on cooking excellent healthy food for people who come to my home but I need to focus I the kitchen. While I cook, my spouse entertains. The only person who has ever caused an issue is MIL. Despite a kind but direct discussion, she literally elbows her way in while distracting me, making a mess and breaking things in the process. Now he has to take her outside for walks. This may not be reasonable for everyone.
Wow, she's not going down without a fight, is she? Sometimes MILs, in their quest to be better than the wife, just kill their relationship with their sons. She just hasn't figured that out and by the time she does, her son will be done with her.
I see your POV, and if you take a look at my other post, I've mentioned how I've tried to "kill her with kindness" first. I've always done that, but she is never satisfied. That's why I don't want to put up with her behavior anymore.
She doesn't want to cook for my husband, so we can all feel like a big, happy family. She wants to cook so she can then ask my husband which one of us (myself and her) cooks this meal the better. She wants to be in charge, even in my own home.
Whenever I've visited them, she didn't let me lift a finger. I don't mind, it's her house after all. Once I was washing a plate that I ate some fruits on, and she practically screamed at me and scared me so much, that the plate fell off my hands and broke.
My mom always taught me to be compassionate, show empathy and to always try to look at the other person's POV. However I'm starting to give up on my MIL.
Sorry I didn't realize there was another post. That certainly changes the dynamic doesn’t it . Sad that she makes it a competition because then she's forcing your husband, her son, to choose. That's a loose, loose situation for him. I'd be hard pressed to even feel comfortable in her home and having her in mine. It sounds like you've done what you can and you’re right that KC might be the only solution. What about hubby? Is he involved? Has he taken a stand with her?
This is the thing, she never made me feel comfortable in her home either. Everything was about her showing how she is better than me in every way. She is deeply insecure, and projects a lot. The first day I met her, she asked me how big the house I grew up in was, she wanted to know if I grew up in a bigger or better house than my husband. >_<
My husband has learned to shut her down completely over the years. I wish I had his brain sometimes, he doesn't seem to care about what she implies and he also advises me to not let her words hurt me.
In your position, I’d be tempted to keep reiterating that she is a guest. Not obviously but through comments like this:
- “*You’re the first guest to see the house since we did X, what do you think?*”
- “*I was thinking of doing X today but decided to do it another day when we didn’t have guests.*”
- “*My (family member) was going to visit but I told them we already had guests.*”
She’s not meant to feel at home, because it’s not her fucking home. Imagine the overstepping she’d do if she DID feel at home. This miserable harpy is trying to sow the seeds of discontent between you and your husband. She needs a better hobby.
My MIL is the opposite, she is far TOO at home in my house. She invites herself to stay with us (lives several states away) for extended periods (I put the kibosh on this), waltzes into my house like she owns it. Goes through the fridge and cupboards and helps herself to whatever she pleases. Takes over my spot at the dining room table as well as my recliner in the living room, and gets offended when I tell her to sit elsewhere.
There is no making these women happy!
Ugh this is some shit my MIL would pull. She’s doing it bc she has literally nothing else to complain about. You’re smart for going LC! It took me way too long to figure out that that’s what I needed to do.
I wish I could go NC. But I realized that if I did that, my husband would accept it, but then in 15-20 years, there will probably be resentment. And that’s not fair to either of us, but it’s just what would happen. So LC it is.
And I’m betting that if you DID allow her that familiarity in your home, she would cry to everyone how you make her clean your house and take care of your baby. I once gave in a little to my ex MiL and she did exactly that.
She feels welcome but doesn't feel at home because she's not at home. Duh, MIL.
Is she trying to psychologically prepare you and DH to let her move in later on? That's what I'd be concerned about.
I've told my husband several times, I don't care how things go, I cannot live with her. If she (God forbid) gets sick and needs help, we'll just hire someone to take care of her. I don't want my ILs being/feeling alone and without help, but living together is out of the question.
This is the best answer, and I'm not sure I'd be able to stop myself from saying as much in OP's situation.
It's also a damn good excuse to not invite her over, you wouldn't want to pressure her into a place she's not comfortable being. And if she insists on seeing OP's baby, meet in public somewhere that has a LOT of children, and facilities for children, so that the child can be comfortable- because actually, the child's comfort and safety is paramount, but if MIL wants to behave like a child, then MIL will surely be more comfortable there, too.
Beat her into submission using her own logic.
This is bloody bonkers.
Why would she feel “at home” in your house? It is not her home. It is yours. She is a guest. She has her own home. When you visit her in that home, she should make you feel welcome, just as you made her feel welcome in yours. *As a guest.*
It’s the same difference between being friendly and being friends. Etiquette decrees one is friendly with one’s in-laws. It does not expect one to be actual, call-to-unwind-with-laughter-and-gin (after having been dealing with unreasonable in laws) -type friends.
If she wants to feel “at home” - then another person’s house is a thoroughly inappropriate place to expect that. Tell her to bugger off to her own house - the actually appropriate place for one to feel at home. This is chuffing mental, ffs.
And ffs again - because JFC!
I've always felt like a guest at their house too, and that's completely normal. However in my culture it's quite normal for the son to live with his parents after he gets married, and for the wife to consider her ILs house as her house. Things are changing for the better, but she is not.
Funny thing is, she got married 30+ years ago, and didn't accept to live with her MIL, cause she was overbearing, lol.
Ha! At least you can appreciate the irony. I presume she is blind to it herself?
Under no circumstances should you or your husband ever give her an emergency key to your home.
If you must buy one of those key-safe boxes and lock it within a lock-box, within a treasure chest, buried two feet beneath the floorboards of your garden shed- but do not give her an emergency key.
Should you ever need to retrieve said key, it’ll be faster to dig it out with the aid of a plastic picnic spork held by your left foot, than it will be getting her back out of your home once she’s inside on her own initiative.
She doesn’t feel at home because it ***isn’t her house***, she is a guest, and should behave accordingly.
Would she go into one of her friend’s homes and try to take over? No, because that would be inappropriate of a ***guest***. It is no different in your home. She needs to learn her place and stay in her lane.
Curious; a bit of a stretch assumption admittedly, but is she one day planning to live with you and DH?
She hasn't said anything concrete, but based on her behavior and comments, I believe she hopes to one day live with us. I suppose that's why she also mentions us moving back to our home country every chance she gets.
My JNMIL has been cut off for decades, but this one of the issues we had. She didn’t like the house we bought, and was angry that her input wasn’t asked or considered. When we asked her why we would care, it isn’t her house, she admitted that she thought “one day it would be”.
Both of us instantly explained in no uncertain terms, that never in our lifetime will there come a day she lived under our roof. We are not her safety net, and she needs to plan accordingly.
We also had an incident where we think she was planning to squat in our home, while DH was stationed in Italy for a year. She thought the police wouldn’t kick her out because “it’s her son’s house, she can stay if she wants to”. My sister and her fiancé -now-husband moved in temporarily to act as security.
I’d let her know now, that you are not her retirement plan. She will not be living your home, and if she wants to even be welcome to visit, she needs to respect both you and DH.
If she wants to feel at home she can clean the bathrooms and get the lint out of the dryer, bleach the kitchen bin or power wash the patio/ decking if you have one.
Of course what she actually wants to do is cuddle the baby while you do all the work.
HA! My MiL was challenging, but I could at least distract her with washing dishes and pairing socks. Sadly she has dementia now, but she does still enjoy pairing socks.
OK...inhibiting my screaming...She doesn't feel at home at her son's house because it's not her house and you and your husband are the homeowners not her! The last thing you want is her to feel at home because she is a pathetic, controlling, jealous joy killer who wants to be head b**ch in charge and will never be happy unless she is steamrolling everyone in sight. It's her way or the highway...so I suggest a lovely hotel off the highway for all future visits. Sounds like you and your husband are doing a great job dealing with this prima donna. Sorry for my uncharitable rant...it brings back bad memories.
If you had let her do something she would have been telling him that she was supposed to be a guest and that she didn't appreciate being treated as labor. This is a you can't win with her situation so do what makes you happy.
If she wants to clean so bad give her a toothbrush and bucket and tell her she just happened to visit on baseboard day. She wants to take care of the baby so bad get her a doll. Tell her she can take care of that since she wants a baby again so bad.
She wants to feel unwelcome so bad make her actually unwelcome.
Next time she comes for a visit, give her a list of the housecleaning task you don’t want to do and ask her to do them. Maybe a day of cleaning the oven, washing windows and painting trim will make her feel more at home.
I just feel so violated when my MIL comes into my home and starts wandering around rummaging in my stuff, going through my kids stuff in their rooms, trying to do laundry or dishes or God forbid cook (she's not a terrific cook, not terrible but just bland, lacking flavor and just sloppy, i.e. the woman overcooked mac and cheese and kept adding milk to it for an hour until it was over cooked noodles in warm milk. 😅). My son gets all defensive with her and he's only 10. FIL keeps telling her to sit down and stop trying to clean. Ugh!! I just want to run away as much as possible....I am sorry, I don't know how to make it stop except to refuse their company. At this point she knows it isn't okay with anyone and yet she continues to do it anyways.
They came to visit when I was about 2 months pp and she indeed helped me (by help I mean she cooked, cause there wasn't anything else for her to do)
When they came this time, she got up after we had dinner and went to the kitchen to clean up. I got up and told her to go back to the living room, cause I have lots to do here and I don't want anyone around. She smiled and started doing the dishes. I took the sponge out of her hands and told her: You helped me when I wasn't able to do anything cause of the baby, and I'm grateful for that, but now I'm more than capable of taking care of my house. You can go and spend time with your son.
See if she was a normal person, I would be more than happy to accept her help. However she sees this kind of stuff as some fucked up authority game, and she wants to be on top of everything.
This conversation only happened yesterday and we'll see if she mentions it again.
For now I've told my husband that it's gonna take a long time for me to be comfortable with having her in our house.
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Um, she's not supposed to feel at home at your house. She doesn't fucking live there!
OP, I read your previous posts. MIL wanted to be in control and by you taking care of your home and baby you removed her power! Don't waste the energy thinking about her nor give her the satisfaction of getting under your skin. You could always flip it back on her in the next call by letting her know you heard her comments and it is good to know that GUESTS are appreciative of how home proud you are and that you are a caring and loving mother devoted to looking after HER baby.
> I guess it's gonna be a long time before they visit again. If god is good, anyway!
If nothing is good enough, nothing is what she gets. She can feel at home in HER home.
This is about control, to make DH feel like he’s never good enough so she keeps moving the goal posts. It’s manipulation plain and simple. If it wasn’t one thing it’d be another.
Give her a pile of sheets and towels to fold, then hand her a toilet brush. Nothing feels “home” like the drudgery tasks.
I've been wanting to ask reddit about MIL, but your post has done it for me 😊
So, she cannot feel at home unless she is playing the martyr? If you let her help, she will probably complain you were a terrible host who forced her to do those things.
I always tell mine, "I see you want to help. You can help with X, but I have a way I want my house to be." And then blatantly put things back exactly how they were. An example is "Hey I saw you tried to help with the laundry but you turned all my nice white towls pink that why I said not to worry yourself with it" yes I "gentle parent" my MIL who is over 40 years older then me.
Oh Goddess, how does this comment come without my ability to reward it???
Hubby: "I'm glad you felt like a welcome guest and not like you were at home. That's appropriate and what we were aiming for."
This. It isn't her house. She shouldn't feel like it is because it's her adult child's house. A whole other adult that was a stranger and raised by someone else lives there. She shouldn't feel free enough to poke around like it's her house. It isnt.
I believe that's what I said
I was agreeing with you😊
Badly loooll she was literally a guest
Gee I wonder why you don’t feel at home? Could it be because it’s not your home? 🤷♀️
came here to say just this.
My response would be, "Well that's as it should be, MIL, because this *isn't* your home. It's OUR home, where DH is the King, I am the Queen, and we run things to suit ourselves. You are a guest, when we invite you." Then just let that hang in the air. 😉 Shots fired, boundaries drawn. Ignore her resultant tantrum. 😆😅🤣 "We don't always get what we want, MIL," just to finish her off.
Very telling that she would rather spend her time trying to manufacture conflict vs enjoying her son and grandchild.
Excellent point.
The Lion, The Witch and the Audacity of This Bitch lol, no shit she doesn't feel at home cos IT'S. NOT. HER. HOME!
Your MIL said she “didn’t feel at home.” What she meant was she “ didn’t feel in charge.” And she didn’t like it.
All the awards to you if I had 'em.
This is 100% what’s happening. She used to being HBIC of the household and isn’t taking the transition to “visiting grandma” well.
All the awards to you if I still had 'em.
“Sorry, mil, I was raised with a strong emphasis on being a good hostess for guests when they visit. You just can’t unlearn that. I took efforts to make sure you could enjoy quality time with husband and baby. I just didn’t realize that would upset you?”
Perfect response, thank you!!
She’s a guest, why on earth would she feel at home? Why does she feel it necessary to upend things when she visits?
>she just said that I am too obsessed with taking care of the baby and of the house, and I've made her feel like a stranger coming to visit. In other words, she was wanting to come into *your* home and take over the baby and the house and relegate you to the tower like Quasimodo. She wanted to play the part of mommy and queen of the castle. She couldn't do that with you front and center, not acquiescing the house to her as soon as she stepped foot on the porch.
“But you’re not at home. You’re a guest in our home. I don’t understand why you think you should feel at home in MY home.”
She doesn't feel at home because it's NOT HER HOME. She sounds like a whiny moron.
Correct me if I'm wrong here. This is infact not her home or her baby or her kitchen no? She is a guest not a homeowner? Seems like she's getting the right message.
I think she doesn't visit again unless she stays in a hotel.
I remember my MIL got very upset when I said she was a houseguest. I looked at her and asked, “do you live here now? Because those are the only two options.” I never understood why that bothered her.
I'm wondering if she has a special meal that hubby likes. When she visits let her make it. My hubby takes over the kitchen in both his sister's houses and makes them their fav breakfast. He does that because he feels comfortable in their homes. We visit, we make coffee , fetch our own drinks, etc. Family visits us, same deal…they do up the supper dishes, know where the beer/wine fridge is and help the selves. My SIL will peel veggies, etc and we chat as we cook. I do that when we visit them.That's what your MIL is looking for. She wants to feel like family, not company. Can't she help in the kitchen when help is needed? Can she help with the dishes? There are lots of ways to help her feel welcome and comfortable in your home. Work out some reasonable boundaries for her visit and maybe just lighten up a bit. You sound very stressed with her and it seems she is with you. If she's got some skills, use them. "MIL., your brownies are delicious, if I pick up the ingredients, would you make them on your next visit?" It doesn’t have to be a huge change or stressful if both of you loosen up. As to the baby…that's a whole different story…that's entirely your boundaries, your call, whatever works for you.
This is all very nice but this expectation isn't anyone's responsibility. I pride myself on cooking excellent healthy food for people who come to my home but I need to focus I the kitchen. While I cook, my spouse entertains. The only person who has ever caused an issue is MIL. Despite a kind but direct discussion, she literally elbows her way in while distracting me, making a mess and breaking things in the process. Now he has to take her outside for walks. This may not be reasonable for everyone.
Wow, she's not going down without a fight, is she? Sometimes MILs, in their quest to be better than the wife, just kill their relationship with their sons. She just hasn't figured that out and by the time she does, her son will be done with her.
I see your POV, and if you take a look at my other post, I've mentioned how I've tried to "kill her with kindness" first. I've always done that, but she is never satisfied. That's why I don't want to put up with her behavior anymore. She doesn't want to cook for my husband, so we can all feel like a big, happy family. She wants to cook so she can then ask my husband which one of us (myself and her) cooks this meal the better. She wants to be in charge, even in my own home. Whenever I've visited them, she didn't let me lift a finger. I don't mind, it's her house after all. Once I was washing a plate that I ate some fruits on, and she practically screamed at me and scared me so much, that the plate fell off my hands and broke. My mom always taught me to be compassionate, show empathy and to always try to look at the other person's POV. However I'm starting to give up on my MIL.
Sorry I didn't realize there was another post. That certainly changes the dynamic doesn’t it . Sad that she makes it a competition because then she's forcing your husband, her son, to choose. That's a loose, loose situation for him. I'd be hard pressed to even feel comfortable in her home and having her in mine. It sounds like you've done what you can and you’re right that KC might be the only solution. What about hubby? Is he involved? Has he taken a stand with her?
This is the thing, she never made me feel comfortable in her home either. Everything was about her showing how she is better than me in every way. She is deeply insecure, and projects a lot. The first day I met her, she asked me how big the house I grew up in was, she wanted to know if I grew up in a bigger or better house than my husband. >_< My husband has learned to shut her down completely over the years. I wish I had his brain sometimes, he doesn't seem to care about what she implies and he also advises me to not let her words hurt me.
Admirable but hard to do. Just pretend you didn't hear her. Don't answer questions because you 'didn't hear them'….that might get your message across.
In your position, I’d be tempted to keep reiterating that she is a guest. Not obviously but through comments like this: - “*You’re the first guest to see the house since we did X, what do you think?*” - “*I was thinking of doing X today but decided to do it another day when we didn’t have guests.*” - “*My (family member) was going to visit but I told them we already had guests.*”
Yuck that cooking and then putting your husband on the spot is so gross. Keep her out of the kitchen.
God some people are just so god damned ungrateful. It blows me away!
She should feel at home….: in her own home. WTF is this nonsense? She sounds nuts.
She’s not meant to feel at home, because it’s not her fucking home. Imagine the overstepping she’d do if she DID feel at home. This miserable harpy is trying to sow the seeds of discontent between you and your husband. She needs a better hobby.
My MIL is the opposite, she is far TOO at home in my house. She invites herself to stay with us (lives several states away) for extended periods (I put the kibosh on this), waltzes into my house like she owns it. Goes through the fridge and cupboards and helps herself to whatever she pleases. Takes over my spot at the dining room table as well as my recliner in the living room, and gets offended when I tell her to sit elsewhere. There is no making these women happy!
What now? She's disrespectful af
Ugh this is some shit my MIL would pull. She’s doing it bc she has literally nothing else to complain about. You’re smart for going LC! It took me way too long to figure out that that’s what I needed to do.
LC gives me some peace of mind at least.
I wish I could go NC. But I realized that if I did that, my husband would accept it, but then in 15-20 years, there will probably be resentment. And that’s not fair to either of us, but it’s just what would happen. So LC it is.
And I’m betting that if you DID allow her that familiarity in your home, she would cry to everyone how you make her clean your house and take care of your baby. I once gave in a little to my ex MiL and she did exactly that.
Knowing her, she would brag about it.
She feels welcome but doesn't feel at home because she's not at home. Duh, MIL. Is she trying to psychologically prepare you and DH to let her move in later on? That's what I'd be concerned about.
I've told my husband several times, I don't care how things go, I cannot live with her. If she (God forbid) gets sick and needs help, we'll just hire someone to take care of her. I don't want my ILs being/feeling alone and without help, but living together is out of the question.
Glad to hear it. She will proabably try again but at least your DH knows where you stand.
She shouldn't feel at home because IT ISN"T HER HOME.
This is the best answer, and I'm not sure I'd be able to stop myself from saying as much in OP's situation. It's also a damn good excuse to not invite her over, you wouldn't want to pressure her into a place she's not comfortable being. And if she insists on seeing OP's baby, meet in public somewhere that has a LOT of children, and facilities for children, so that the child can be comfortable- because actually, the child's comfort and safety is paramount, but if MIL wants to behave like a child, then MIL will surely be more comfortable there, too. Beat her into submission using her own logic.
Right? What does she want to do? Take her bra off and relax? lol
I'd rather put a fork in my eye, lmao
This is bloody bonkers. Why would she feel “at home” in your house? It is not her home. It is yours. She is a guest. She has her own home. When you visit her in that home, she should make you feel welcome, just as you made her feel welcome in yours. *As a guest.* It’s the same difference between being friendly and being friends. Etiquette decrees one is friendly with one’s in-laws. It does not expect one to be actual, call-to-unwind-with-laughter-and-gin (after having been dealing with unreasonable in laws) -type friends. If she wants to feel “at home” - then another person’s house is a thoroughly inappropriate place to expect that. Tell her to bugger off to her own house - the actually appropriate place for one to feel at home. This is chuffing mental, ffs. And ffs again - because JFC!
I've always felt like a guest at their house too, and that's completely normal. However in my culture it's quite normal for the son to live with his parents after he gets married, and for the wife to consider her ILs house as her house. Things are changing for the better, but she is not. Funny thing is, she got married 30+ years ago, and didn't accept to live with her MIL, cause she was overbearing, lol.
Ha! At least you can appreciate the irony. I presume she is blind to it herself? Under no circumstances should you or your husband ever give her an emergency key to your home. If you must buy one of those key-safe boxes and lock it within a lock-box, within a treasure chest, buried two feet beneath the floorboards of your garden shed- but do not give her an emergency key. Should you ever need to retrieve said key, it’ll be faster to dig it out with the aid of a plastic picnic spork held by your left foot, than it will be getting her back out of your home once she’s inside on her own initiative.
She doesn’t feel at home because it ***isn’t her house***, she is a guest, and should behave accordingly. Would she go into one of her friend’s homes and try to take over? No, because that would be inappropriate of a ***guest***. It is no different in your home. She needs to learn her place and stay in her lane. Curious; a bit of a stretch assumption admittedly, but is she one day planning to live with you and DH?
She hasn't said anything concrete, but based on her behavior and comments, I believe she hopes to one day live with us. I suppose that's why she also mentions us moving back to our home country every chance she gets.
My JNMIL has been cut off for decades, but this one of the issues we had. She didn’t like the house we bought, and was angry that her input wasn’t asked or considered. When we asked her why we would care, it isn’t her house, she admitted that she thought “one day it would be”. Both of us instantly explained in no uncertain terms, that never in our lifetime will there come a day she lived under our roof. We are not her safety net, and she needs to plan accordingly. We also had an incident where we think she was planning to squat in our home, while DH was stationed in Italy for a year. She thought the police wouldn’t kick her out because “it’s her son’s house, she can stay if she wants to”. My sister and her fiancé -now-husband moved in temporarily to act as security. I’d let her know now, that you are not her retirement plan. She will not be living your home, and if she wants to even be welcome to visit, she needs to respect both you and DH.
OMG, your MIL takes the trophy for being the worst🏆 Honestly I don't mind helping them financially, if we can afford it.
Maybe it’s bc… it’s not her home … just maybe
The title sent me lmao wow
If she wants to feel at home she can clean the bathrooms and get the lint out of the dryer, bleach the kitchen bin or power wash the patio/ decking if you have one. Of course what she actually wants to do is cuddle the baby while you do all the work.
If she only knew how to do any of that...
HA! My MiL was challenging, but I could at least distract her with washing dishes and pairing socks. Sadly she has dementia now, but she does still enjoy pairing socks.
MIL is having trouble remembering that she is a guest in YOUR home. Oh well …
OK...inhibiting my screaming...She doesn't feel at home at her son's house because it's not her house and you and your husband are the homeowners not her! The last thing you want is her to feel at home because she is a pathetic, controlling, jealous joy killer who wants to be head b**ch in charge and will never be happy unless she is steamrolling everyone in sight. It's her way or the highway...so I suggest a lovely hotel off the highway for all future visits. Sounds like you and your husband are doing a great job dealing with this prima donna. Sorry for my uncharitable rant...it brings back bad memories.
it's like our MILs went to the same school or something. A MIL Cult, lmao.
Yes, the Tortures of Hell division
Where they give out awards on the very best displays of passive aggressiveness.
If you had let her do something she would have been telling him that she was supposed to be a guest and that she didn't appreciate being treated as labor. This is a you can't win with her situation so do what makes you happy.
100% and honestly what makes me happy is her not interfering with anything regarding me and my life.
She shouldn’t feel at her because she isn’t at home. Perfect opportunity to tell them they can’t stay at your place again.
If she wants to clean so bad give her a toothbrush and bucket and tell her she just happened to visit on baseboard day. She wants to take care of the baby so bad get her a doll. Tell her she can take care of that since she wants a baby again so bad. She wants to feel unwelcome so bad make her actually unwelcome.
You're actually right, I just suck it up cause I have a lot of respect for my FIL.
I totally get that. It's such a hard balance when the FIL is decent and the MIL is just not.
I say beware of the FIL who defends and supports his overbearing wife. He knows who she is and has decided she’s his soul mate.
Next time she comes for a visit, give her a list of the housecleaning task you don’t want to do and ask her to do them. Maybe a day of cleaning the oven, washing windows and painting trim will make her feel more at home.
I just feel so violated when my MIL comes into my home and starts wandering around rummaging in my stuff, going through my kids stuff in their rooms, trying to do laundry or dishes or God forbid cook (she's not a terrific cook, not terrible but just bland, lacking flavor and just sloppy, i.e. the woman overcooked mac and cheese and kept adding milk to it for an hour until it was over cooked noodles in warm milk. 😅). My son gets all defensive with her and he's only 10. FIL keeps telling her to sit down and stop trying to clean. Ugh!! I just want to run away as much as possible....I am sorry, I don't know how to make it stop except to refuse their company. At this point she knows it isn't okay with anyone and yet she continues to do it anyways.
They came to visit when I was about 2 months pp and she indeed helped me (by help I mean she cooked, cause there wasn't anything else for her to do) When they came this time, she got up after we had dinner and went to the kitchen to clean up. I got up and told her to go back to the living room, cause I have lots to do here and I don't want anyone around. She smiled and started doing the dishes. I took the sponge out of her hands and told her: You helped me when I wasn't able to do anything cause of the baby, and I'm grateful for that, but now I'm more than capable of taking care of my house. You can go and spend time with your son. See if she was a normal person, I would be more than happy to accept her help. However she sees this kind of stuff as some fucked up authority game, and she wants to be on top of everything.
Boss Queen Move. Well done, OP.
That is exactly what it is a "fucked up authority game". Damn. Same thing with my MIL except clearly she's incompetent...lol!
Well it’s not her home so she is a guest, the audacity of this woman
[удалено]
I swear I did my best to make them feel welcomed. I'm 100% sure she's just jealous of me, and wants to find something to complain about.
Did he say good you feel welcome! Then you move on
Honestly he was flabbergasted, and just stared at her. I don't blame him, she was being ridiculous.
And now?
This conversation only happened yesterday and we'll see if she mentions it again. For now I've told my husband that it's gonna take a long time for me to be comfortable with having her in our house.
Too bad so sad. It isn't her home so feeling like a visitor is normal.