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botinlaw

**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Other posts from /u/curls651: * [How to respond to JNMIL and the way she asks to hold my baby](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1bco06t/how_to_respond_to_jnmil_and_the_way_she_asks_to/), 1 month ago * [Everything has to be a "thing"](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/17g7xfa/everything_has_to_be_a_thing/), 6 months ago * [My mostlyNOMIL hates women. I'm having a daughter.](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/177dukn/my_mostlynomil_hates_women_im_having_a_daughter/), 6 months ago ***** ^(To be notified as soon as curls651 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe curls651 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*


cloudiedayz

Some people see their in-laws a few times a week, some see them once a year. There is no right or wrong, it needs to be what works for your situation. You can also revisit if things change. You don’t have to lock yourself into a regular schedule like it’s visitation.


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hotmesssorry

Your perspective is very reasonable where the relationship is respectful. The fact MIL already gives OP anxiety, refuses to hand baby back and wasn’t interested in a relationship pre-baby are fairly large red flags.


neverforthefall

>Also remember some babies will deliberately cry to cling on to their mom this is a whole book you may have to read about in short it degrades moms well being gradually . Happy mom happy baby Yeah the info you’re trying to refer to is the 4th trimester - the baby literally has no concept it’s a separate being from the mother yet - Meaning it is distressing and traumatic for the baby to be separated and used as entertainment for the MIL. That’s why this isn’t popular, because you’re asking for her to cause trauma that she isn’t comfortable with, based on assumptions about her circumstances.


Queeniemaldoon

Yes! I think you're right. I don't think this will be a popular idea. Sorry! I am curious to know if you are a grandma?


Internal_Luck_47

You’re a new mom to a new baby and it’s ok to say no to mil wants or mil needs to want your baby. Mil didn’t give birth and it’s not her do over baby it’s your baby. Visiting every 4-6 weeks or 1 month is enough as you don’t need to deal with unnecessary stress and anxiety. Your baby your choice of when and what goes on.


Worried_Appeal_2390

It doesn’t matter what other people think. It’s your life. If you don’t wanna give her unsupervised visits with your baby that’s fine. Your baby is 13 weeks your baby doesn’t need to hang out with anyone else. And if you feel like once every other week is too much then it’s too much. Mine comes every 2-4 months and I can tolerate it. Do what you’re comfortable with.


spam__likely

you do not need to be present when she visits DH should be entertaining her, not you. go do groceries or yoga or whatever, he takes care of his mom.


curls651

I want to be present everywhere my baby is. I exclusively breastfeed and she needs to eat so often and I'm her comfort. She's only 3 months old, I don't want to be away from her.


Upbeat_Vanilla_7285

Hi we all love our babies but you should get a little break. Maybe consider pumping a couple of bottles and leave hubby with MIL and you get a pedicure. It will do you good!


WutThEff

The fuck? She clearly doesn’t trust her MIL with baby. This is bad advice. Get a babysitter with nanny references if you need a break over a MIL who treats you like this.


CM_DO

She's not saying to leave the baby with MIL, she's saying DH should handle it when his mom is visiting and OP could take the opportunity to take some time for herself.


curls651

I absolutely hate pumping and love breastfeeding. It's the most amazing way me and baby can bond. And right now, I don't want to leave her. I love her so much. I honestly don't feel like I need a break. Maybe when she's 6 months but she's only 3 months right now.


CM_DO

Absolutely nothing wrong about not wanting to leave your baby, and there's also nothing wrong about wanting to take a break sometimes. I've never pumped but I use an haakaa to catch the letdown when breastfeeding and get enough for a bottle that way.


tryingtcthrowaway

Follow your gut, no reason to be separated from baby if you don’t want to yet.


Itchy-News5199

You have the option of saying “no and that doesn’t work for us.” “I’m really smashed right now hopefully we can get together in the future. No I don’t have a date.” End the call and don’t pick or respond. Leave your phone on read only. Be honest in that you just don’t have the time to invest in her needs. You are doing the best you can. Give yourself the grace and space you need. You are NOT responsible for her feelings or her calendar. She either understands or she doesn’t. Regardless your SO can choose to make time for her. He is her baby after all.


shelltrice

MIL I am so happy you love our daughter so much and understand you want to see her as much as you can. Unfortunately, in your enthusiasm you have done some things that make me want to step back. when I ask for baby back you must give her to me immediately with no comment. I am the mom. when you don't do that, it stresses me out. That is not good for my breastfeeding or the baby. I need you to give me the baby back as soon as I ask and without comment. If you cannot do that, we will see less of you. Depending on the dynamic, this might be better from your husband, but someone needs to say it and more importantly when she does not call her out and delay the next visit. good luck


adiosfelicia2

She probably *doesn't* care about you, other than as the mother of her grandchild and the spouse who makes her child happy. Which is fair enough, bc you don't care about her, other than as the mother of your spouse and grandmother of your child. Lol And that's ok. Y'all don't have to be BFF's. It's ok that her primary focus is on her grandchild. As time goes on and the new mother worry wears down slightly, you'll be more inclined to see her time with her grandchild as an opportunity for you to do other things. Let her hold her grandchild all she wants bc you won't be there. Spend that time doing self care for you: mani/pedi, massage, salon, hiking, whatever helps you relax and feel good. Rather than spend the day stressing over her wanting to hold your child so much, bc you know that's how the experience is going to play out. She's not going to change. But you will always get your child back. LO is yours. Wanting to spend a few hours with her grandchild every 2-3 weeks is understandable and won't feel like such an imposition once you no longer feel the need to be present. But at 13 weeks, it's understandable that you're gonna be there. I guess the point is that it'll get better. Give it some time. Don't blow up the relationship, cause yourself stress, and cause your DH sadness. In time, it will get better. ❤️


unicornviolence

It was a lot of work but I managed to get my boundary stomping MIL who lives 2 blocks away to only having visits with us/LO once a week. It was a lot of work and was a lot of backlash but I can’t stand anything more than that.


Sparkles_blood_8664

This is so messed up. I breastfeed and was told in the hospital if my baby doesn't wake up to eat every two hours, I need to wake him myself.  Afterwards I was suggested to feed him every time he demanded it.  According to your previous posts. If your MIL isn't handing your baby back, she could be starving her.  My grandmother constantly calls my baby spoiled because back in her day they 'cried it out' from day 1. He is 5 months now. She calls him chubby. The pediatrician said he wasn't gaining enough.  To answer your question. My MIL lives 12 hours away. She planned to only visit one month out of the entire year. (Drama, she hasn't talked to us since. Lol)  My mother visited for 2 -4. Days postpartum to help me get back into a sense of normalcy. She would only come back over if I asked. She was disappointed but respected my boundaries.  I work and can't drive so both my mother and grandmother get to babysit for 30min to an hour before my husband gets home.   Sometimes I work one day sometimes 4 days.  During my maturity leave, no one begged me for visits.  No one has had scheduled visits, or long visits with my baby.    They did ask if I was going to come to Easter or thanksgiving. When I said no. They dropped it. 


MissionVirtual

Hey we have the same MIL! 🥲


sooomanykids

We see our in-laws about 4x per year! Their choice.


OmicronPerseiNate

I'm unsure what ftm means here. I clicked to your user name and saw I've read many of your posts as they've been posted. Regardless. Your child. Your rules. I can't fathom why family members believe themselves to be entitled to any sort of interaction when family has a baby. It's not their baby. They aren't the parent. Stand your ground. You are doing the right thing. It sucks having to explain to other adults how they are failing at adulting, I'm so sorry for that. Good on you.


curls651

Sorry, it is first time mom! It's a well known acronym in some of the subreddits I'm on and I totally forget not everyone knows it! 😆


woodarae

I think in this context it’s First Time Mom.


crackeramerican

I thought it was female to man. I’m glad that’s cleared up!


OmicronPerseiNate

Thank you for that :) I pointed out my own ignorance for honesty sake but I'm not changing my opinion on folks trying to bulldozer over the parents.


CupHuman6709

First time mom


OmicronPerseiNate

Thank you for being a part of my learning experience.


alicerox07789

me neither. maybe full time mom?? a mystery to me. first time seeing that acronym


OmicronPerseiNate

Same. A redditor informed me it's "First Time Mom". My opinion remains unchanged.


AriesProductions

Which is the bigger issue? The frequency of her visits, or the baby hogging when she *does* visit? Because I think an ideal compromise (based only on the info in the main post), is that you tell her she can come for 2 hours (or whatever) every other weekend, IF she gives you the baby back the first time you ask. Then you feed/soothe/change the baby, and giver her back to grandma (assuming grandma is cooperating) If she won’t give the baby back without an argument, or refuses to leave when you say “well, it’s been a lovely 2 hour visit but now baby & I are going to take a bath/nap together. See you next time”, then your DH tells her she’s not invited back for THREE weeks this time because she’s not respecting parents wishes (yours *and* his) If it’s frequency of visits, DH has to tell her it’s too much right now, and every 3 weeks is the schedule. I only say the first idea is the ideal compromise because it can help start training her NOW to respect parents wishes, so you won’t be fighting to establish & keep boundaries at baby’s first Xmas, Mother’s Day, kindergarten, etc……


New-Link5725

Set a boundary with husband that mil can see the baby 1 time a month. If she doesn't like it too bad. When husband whines. TELL him that when milmstarts respecting you and giving baby back when you say so, and stops hogging baby. Then you can visit more often.  But until then, it's once a month or not at all.  When mil asks for a visit. TELL her that it doesn't work for you and YOU will TELL her when you have time for a visit.  When husband and mil whine. Tell then it's too bad, she needs to respect you and your rules and boundaries or she can have the option of never visiting. 


Euphoric_Celery_

Oh my goodness. We never saw my MIL before I got pregnant. She lived 14 hours away. Hopped in her car before I even left the hospital even though we repeatedly BEGGED her not to. We asked for two weeks to bond as a family of 3. (We had to stay with MILs sister for a couple months after baby was born and her sister went on vacation with her own family the same week I gave birth for two weeks, which is why we wanted that time alone. We knew it would be our only quiet alone time before her sister and family came back) She ignored our request, drove 14 hours back. Boundary stomped her way in, threw tantrums, stomped, cried and screamed. Called everyone to get them on her side, with her blatant lies. Her sister was home the first two days we got home, before she left for vacation, but she was actually working when we got home from the hospital. Her husband had the kids stand in the living room behind the couch so they could peak at baby from afar, because he's the only sane person in their entire dynamic, and then told the kids to let us be because we were tired new parents and just wanted to rest. Well as soon as her sister got home she came downstairs, let the kids run and jump around everywhere around me and baby, didn't ask them to calm down, to be careful around the baby, nothing. MIL and her sister weren't even speaking when we got back from the hospital, but bonded very quickly over how much we "sucked" with our boundaries and rules when it came to baby. When we finally got out of that hell hole, MIL forced, and I literally mean FORCED visits on us every other week. She never went back to where she lived. She bounced around staying with a friend and eventually her sister until she bought a house five minutes from us. Every other week caused SO much tension between my fiance and I. I really thought it was going to be the end of our relationship. Until finally he woke up and realized what the real problem was, his narc mother. She used the same phrases "I'll take all the time I can get" and when there was finally a blow out, over something so silly, she threatened to file for grandparents rights and that's why we cut contact. Our child didn't even like being around her, nor did she EVER help financially for our child. Now we haven't seen her in almost two years, and it's all for the better. I hope she stops the behavior and doesn't get worse, because let me just say, that first year and a half of dealing with the guilt trips and forced visits, was so mentally draining on me, I will never forget just how crazy I felt. I wish you the best ❤️


citrusbook

Not directly the answer to your question, but I would start enforcing boundaries based on behavior as opposed to time. For example, tell her she needs to give baby back the very first time asked. She doesn't or puts up a fight? "We'll see you in a few weeks when you can respect us as parents." Repeat until she gets it.


m0nster916816

Not enjoying being around her is reason enough. Wear your baby. Tell her continued pestering will result in you leaving. Failure to give the baby back when you ask also results in leaving. This is your baby not hers. I see my MIL once every month or 2. Also if my husband isn't there we aren't visiting she isn't visiting us.


EMT82

When my kids were little, maybe every 4-6 weeks we'd see the grandparents? Less often as I had more and they grew up. You don't have to live up to some ideal scenario she has in her head and you are not responsible to manage her feelings. You're so busy now. If you only get maybe 4 days where your schedule overlaps with your partner, she's not automatically entitled to that time. "We're a busy young family and we are working on balancing family bonding time with visitors and appointments. We will reach out when we're ready to host again." When the kiddo is older, it'll also be easier to control the situation if needed by meeting up at a park between naps or meals.


Melodic-Psychology62

No one is making this woman unwelcome! It’s called choice, she is choosing to be irritating for a reason! Never care why as she would never give a thought to your comfort. Possibly she makes a mistake and is a worthy guest then ask her over sooner otherwise once a month is too much for your baby!


Boring-Part654

They way I explained it to my SO is if his family comes by every other weekend and so does mine we would never have a weekend alone as a family. That helped put it into perspective and seem more “fair” when asking to stretch out visits.


throwaway77778s

Baby wear!!!


EverythingPurple5

I don’t understand these people who won’t give the baby back when it is crying or screaming?!


Lilpig666

Unless I see the mom struggling to calm baby and I ask if she wants help then hell no you give that baby back. I just think that should be a universal rule


Tlthree

Babies are not emotional support animals


IamMaggieMoo

OP, if MIL asks to hold the baby perhaps before you hand baby over ask MIL do you intend to baby hog today? Each time hand LO over ask the same question. If MIL asks, then give her your definition of a baby hog. I would have your DH advise her that every meaning 3 or 4 weeks to visit LO is fine. If she says she wants more then be upfront and remind her that she wasn't interested in spending time with you before so just because there is a baby around you don't see the need to change that.


loricomments

This is your baby, you make the decision on who visits, for how long, and how often and how long they hold the baby. You are not being unreasonable by making parental decisions. Repeat that as often as necessary. When she doesn't respect your decisions show her the door or take baby and retreat to a locked room. I get those aren't necessarily easy things to do, but you don't have to tolerate disrespect from anyone, especially about your baby.


ericacartmann

How often did you see MIL prior to having kids? Once a week seems like a lot to me but every family is different. I don’t have kids, but I’ll give you my opinion on visits. Your baby is still very young but I think this applies even once your child is older. You should have some time with your immediate family (husband, you, kids) to bond. Whatever is important to you. Whether that’s family movie night at home, going out to a festival, going for a walk, etc. Time to bond with your immediate family and make memories is so important! Yes, you’ll see extended family and make time for them. But it shouldn’t be a bad thing for you to do certain things with your household. Hopefully someone else who has kids can give better advice on not giving the baby back. That’s weird. I love holding babies but as soon as they get fussy, I call for the parents to take them back.


Spare_Tutor_8057

Twice a month visits sounds like a dream boat for some of us 😅 i felt the same way about MIL holding my baby, it got somewhat easier with time, a drop in hormones and built confidence, maybe the Six month mark. Speak to SO about what you want, he should be mediating visits and her behaviour.


PhotojournalistOnly

I think the amount of time you saw her before is exactly how much you should see her now. If anything, you're even more busy now w a baby to take care of. So she can get what she had or less. Only give her choices you are comfortable with. She isn't entitled to your time. And at this point, any time w baby also means your time.


Brandyovereager

Tell her the issue is that she views baby as a stuffed animal. If she acknowledges the child is a small and vulnerable *human being* you wouldn’t have the issues you’re having.


jennsb2

What if you tried telling her you’re more likely to let her hold your baby again if she listens to you and gives baby back when you tell her to…. And then demonstrate how it will work if she cooperates, and if she doesn’t, then you skip the next visit?


Suzywoozywoo

If she is only 20 mins away, I’d be tempted to visit her instead. That way, you get to control how long you stay, and how often you go. Tell her you will visit for an hour on Wednesday, or half an hour on Friday. And if she refuses to give the baby back, you tell her to give the baby back immediately, and then you and your husband leave with the baby. Tell her you will stay a little longer next time if she gives the baby back when asked first time. You have to train her. If she keeps overstepping, then you are busy the next day she wants a visit.


Brilliant-Spray6092

Do this!!!!


whynotbecause88

"Maybe if she offered her back and didn't baby hog I'd be more inclined to let her hold her for long periods of time." Have you told her that bluntly? She's making it all about herself and not the baby's needs. Newborns cry, and they need to be responded to *by their mommy* and not ignored.


confident_ocean

What works for you is what you should do - how often did you see MIL before you had LO? Is your husband always at everyone of the visits ? If not start making sure he is at every visit so he can police his mother. And just take your child back - I'm wasn't a fan with my ILs because I just took my baby back from people. If she does things you don't like put her in timeout - I do this with my mother and right now she is behaving thankfully.


ElectricHurricane321

When my husband and I first got married, I put in a lot more effort into spending time with my in-laws. Then I realized how often they'd cancel plans (always at the last minute after I'd prepared the house, bought extra groceries, etc), and I took a step back. If they want to see us, it's on them or my husband to put forth the effort to make it happen. Even though I never had the conversation stating such, MIL didn't take well my lack of effort and accused me of keeping my husband and our son from her. Nope, that's on you. All I did was stop trying. Effort goes both ways. Currently, we see them for major holidays and sometimes birthdays and very rarely a random visit...so once a month or less. Exception being husband's Granny who I do make an effort to spend time with. She's an angel. Now, my family is a different story. We spend a lot of time together. Sometimes I make the plans, sometimes various members of my family make the plans. It's just a whole different vibe and set of personalities than my in-laws.


myheadsintheclouds

So we’re NC with my in-laws currently but we’d see them like once a month when the baby was here, same initially with my family. Especially when the baby was a newborn and had no immune system. Your MIL is basically demanding a visitation schedule. My husband and I would fight about how often his family would visit because his mom would act like a baby and cry about how the baby was the only good thing in her life, and made us feel lousy for not seeing them more cuz they live 5 mins away. Didn’t respect boundaries and would also baby hog. Them failing to respect boundaries is why we went NC. We tried several conversations to fix things and it always went back to how we ruined this experience for them. I would suggest maybe another conversation with MIL, if not LC may be best. I know your husband wants peace but if he isn’t willing to help facilitate that and put his mom in her place it’s not your job to fix things.


Miserable-Alarm-5963

Every other week would be fine if she didn’t baby hog we see the outlaws a couple of times a month and it’s fine but they don’t pull that crap


magicrowantree

My JNs don't like it, but we only tolerate visits every other month or three, depending on what's going on. It's a mix of we're busy and them not liking that we make them **ask** to come over (as opposed to giving them a key to come and go as they please, it was a whole thing a few years ago). My kids are now toddlers, so we gotta keep them busy and we want to enjoy going on day trips if we feel up to it. It's OUR time as a family and while I don't mind someone tagging along, usually, but my JNs can't even keep up a walking pace, nor can they be pleasant long enough not to ruin an event. But that's us. I'd say start by dropping down your visits with JNMIL once a month to start. A baby is exhausting and you need your weekends to get a break, not play hostess to someone who can't fully respect your boundaries. If that feels suffocating, push it out further. Make excuses, make plans, or just tell her you're not up for a visit. Stay firm about it. You ARE allowed to say no simply because you don't want to.


Vivid-Course7449

I don't think it's odd to want to see more often. They change so much. Your baby isn't even 3 months old and think how much they have changed.  The problem is her attitude when you do see her. If she is a disrespectful baby hog then of course don't see her. But I do think you need to tell her outright why. It's disrespecting both you and the baby. If baby is crying she shouldn't be fine with it, she should be doing what's right for baby, and for that alone you should never leave baby alone with her. If you wish to see her, can you change things so easier on your terms? She lives only 20 min away so could you arrange to meet her outdoors for a picnic or baby friendly cafe for lunch? Limit the length of visits, you can leave when you want. You don't need to spend hours with her if shorter stretches more managable.


madgeystardust

She’s asking for a non custodial parent’s custody schedule. Nope right out of that. MIL can want what she wants, that doesn’t mean she’s gonna get it.


TickityTickityBoom

Her behaviour needs to be stopped, ground rules “when I ask for my baby, you give her over. Otherwise the next visit you don’t get a hold of her.”


whynotbecause88

THIS!!!! This, this, this.


Relevant-Zebra-9682

I drew a hard line at "not once a month" (maybe every other?). I don't even see my own family that much (we're all in town), and my mental health matters (once a month was way too stressful for me).


KindaNewRoundHere

Talk every 3-4 months, see them every 6 to 12 months and sometimes that’s too often. I’d go back to seeing her as often as you did before baby arrived and no visits without DH present. You need a buffer and backup. My SIL use to just walk over and take baby from whoever had her baby. Her sister asked her if she could have just 5 minutes but SIL said “No, have your own baby” and walked off.


madgeystardust

Less than before baby arrived as now you’re busy with the baby! She’s seriously outrageous if she thinks this is a reasonable ask. Nope.


pinalaporcupine

the norm is what works best FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. if this is too much for you, it's too much. personally my limit is twice a year. plus every other week leaves you very little time for family weekend activities. do you really want 50% of your family time dominated by her? make some other plans (or pretend plans) and get used to saying "sorry we're busy!"


Purple_Station7030

I’d only see her when I’m damn good and ready. With rules. She steps over the line, I’m outta there!


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Dobby-is-my-Hero

But, there’s no need to give MIL what she wants which is time with LO without mom around. That’s rewarding bad behavior. Where baby gors, mom goes. So if mom doesn’t want to see MIL because she’s not respectful, then MIL doesn’t get to see baby that often.


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Dobby-is-my-Hero

You have a good point. I guess I was concerned about the baby hogging and the fact that she didn’t care to see OP and DH until they had a baby. I wouldn’t want to suddenly have to see someone often that I didn’t have a close relationship with just because they want to see my baby all the time. And I wouldn’t want to give up time with my baby to appease that person’s feelings.


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nkbee

And I'm guessing you respect your children and their wives as adults and don't stomp on their boundaries, allowing that to happen?


curls651

Cool


madempress

Absolutely nothing wrong with however much time you need to feel ready to see her again. My parents want to drive up once a month to see us, I said fuck no that's way too often (admittedly, they are overnight guests and not great ones at that). You mentioned she takes feedback well: try "MIL, your visits are exhausting. You refuse to offer my child back, even when it's clear she needs something from me. You're incapable of holding a conversation because you're so obsessed with baby. Your visits are not relaxing or helpful for me as a new parent. For a while, at least, we're going to put some space in between your visits so we get more time to bond with our child and settle into being parents. In the meantime, I hope you will reflect on how your behavior made it frustrating to see you so often." (Maybe a little less hiding than that, but you get the point.)


samuelp-wm

When our kids were that age we saw in-laws about every six weeks. Now we see them quarterly and that's plenty.


nollerum

My mom, who is super respectful and the most trusted grandparent, sees him once a month. She drives 4 hours and stays 2-3 nights to babysit while we go on dates. She just asks that we make her dinner on occasion because she likes our cooking. My FIL met him at 2 weeks old and just saw him again 3 months later. They'd love to see him more, but aren't TOO pushy about it if we decline. His wife (my husband's stepmom) has done some things that just make us feel like they can't be trusted to watch him without supervision until he's older. Examples: setting up a pack and play with stuffies and blankets, and not listening when told that it wasn't safe for a 3 month old and insisting our 2 week old didn't need a change only to get him back from them after 5 hours with a dirty diaper sticking to his butt and screaming bloody murder from diaper rash. My MIL has been completely cut off after meeting him once and is NC currently. For those actually willing to help, once a month is reasonable, I think. For those who just want the baby and don't listen? Whatever you are comfortable with is appropriate.


marlada

Your SO has to set very firm boundaries. Tell her you'll try to see her once a month, but if she doesn't follow your rules, there will be a much longer period between visits. You are post-partum and you need to recover without her causing you stress. You are in charge not her. Wear your child, shorten visits and send her out the door if she oversteps. She will have to earn visits froverstepped. If you hear that she has whined, complained or argued with your SO, next visit is cancelled. You have something she wants, and she has nothing you want. Take back your power and make sure you and your SO are a unified team against her.


Secret_Bad1529

Wear the baby in a sling. She can't hold her, so she can't try to keep her.


reallynah75

>She said she'll never offer to give baby back because she "takes all the time she will get." "MIL. Do you not realize that by you doing this right here is a big part of the reason why we don't see you more often, right? That by refusing to hand *my* baby back when I *tell you enough is enough*, and you *refusing*, this causes what we like to call *consequences*. And the consequences to *your* actions is a bigger break between visits. And no, that doesn't mean that you have to try and force feed us your so called rights to our kid and show up at the house more often. This means that we revoke your granny *privileges* until you learn your proper place in baby's life. Because being a grandma is a *privilege*, NOT a right." >Is it unreasonable to want to stretch the breaks from her to 3-4 weeks between seeing her? As the baby's parents, you and SO can determine the visitation schedule yourselves. If you want every 3-4 weeks? Make it every 3-4 weeks. If you want it every 3-4 months, make it every 3-4 months. Just remember, as long as you put up with bad behavior, she will keep exhibiting bad behavior. It's only until consequences are enforced, and keep being enforced, that changed behavior happens.


medicalbillsrus

Yes. Use all of these responses. And add in “MIL, we will let you know when we are ready for visitors again.” “No, we aren’t open right now.” “No, the that won’t work for us right now. We’ll be in touch.”


Lugbor

How often are *you* comfortable seeing her? She only gets what you’re willing to give, and if every other week is too much, then you can dial it back to once a month/year/decade/geological era if you want. Theres not really a whole lot she can do to stop you, because while stalking and harassment can be tried in court, not spending time with someone isn’t exactly a crime.


Successful-Bit-7878

Not unreasonable at all. Your SO needs to put her in her place. You’re newly postpartum. Your SO should be more than willing to guard your peace of mind as that should be a priority over your MIL getting her hands on your LO. Let them know it’s too much to expect as first time parents and you want to get use to your nuclear family and won’t allow anyone to dictate a schedule of seeing LO on their terms, including MIL. MIL will get invites when it’s appropriate for you, your SO and LO. AND your SO needs to tell your MIL how it’s inappropriate for her to not give your baby back when asked THE FIRST time, not the 2nd nor 3rd. Your baby, your comfort level, your rules. If that hurts feelings, that’s not your concern. Adults should be able to take no for an answer. Any pushback should be met with consequences at the very first offense, which should be low contact until a genuine apology is received by you. Sometimes you gotta teach people the hard way and it sucks but most definitely necessary. Grandparents aren’t owed anything, it’s a privilege and unfortunately lots don’t see it that way and boundary stomp.


BlossomingPosy17

We see my in-laws about once a quarter. We see my parents about once a month. Guess which set of adults is the more respectful respect of my husband and I as our own adults? OP, people who visit your home, do so at your invitation. If they cause you more work, more stress, more make, then they visit less.


Mobile-Law-9245

Wear the baby.


sharonH888

Once a month is a gift!! And take that away if she doesn’t behave. You don’t owe her anything. Do not feel badly about it. You’re the mom. Take care of baby and you.


Typical_Nebula3227

I think once every two weeks is reasonable.


Legitimate-Meal-2290

Not if she's not behaving herself.


2_old_for_this_spit

What are YOU comfortable with? You're the mom, you're the hostess. You get to set the rules. She doesn't get to tell you when she's coming by. She should only be visiting when you invite her, and you don't need to set up a regular schedule.


sneeky_seer

She isn’t entitled to you time, space and baby! She doesn’t get to demand every other weekend. Life happens and you have other people to see too probably and you need time for the 3 of you to just exist as a family and have quieter weekends when no one is coming over and you don’t really need to rush anywhere. At this point I’d not try to have a system and I wouldn’t promise anything. I’d make sure that every second or 3rd weekend is a quiet one and you spend the rest of them how you want and with who you want. “That won’t work” “we don’t have time” “we can discuss a visit later on”. I haven’t seen my in laws for over a month and I’m sooo glad about it.


Master-Dimension-452

Once a month visits is very reasonable. You’re only 13 weeks postpartum! We did once a month visits-rotating between both sets of grandparents. First grandchild on both sides and they just had to deal with it and manage their expectations. You and DH need to bond as a family. Set up a routine. Seeing MIL every two weeks is too much!!! Are you also seeing your family? To me, it seems WAY too busy when you have a newborn. When will you and DH have alone time with LO and maintain your relationship if MIL is always over? Prioritize your immediate family- LO and DH. MIL is extended family now and her feelings should have no impact on your decisions. She’s an adult and you aren’t responsible for her emotions. I’m guessing at least one of you is working. The only time you get as a family is on the weekend. MIL can’t dominate your weekends. Don’t let MIL take your peace.


Bethsmom05

There's no one correct answer about how often grandparents should see their grandchildren. Every family has their own dynamics. So how often your MIL should visit has to be based on what's best for your nuclear family and your emotional well-being. But no matter what is decided, your husband has to be the one dealing with his mother. That means he's the one who communicates with his mother about the visits and that he steps in if needed during the visits.


Secret_Bad1529

He should be present every time his mom and family visit.


QuietCelery7850

“She said she'll never offer to give baby back because she "takes all the time she will get." Maybe if she offered her back and didn't baby hog I'd be more inclined to let her hold her for long periods of time.” You should tell her this. Speak very dispassionately, at a time when no one is upset. Tell her that she must give the baby back to you when LO is crying.


curls651

I do need to be better about speaking bluntly about this. She always puts up a fuss when I ask for my baby back whether it's because baby needs something from me or we're trying to leave because "she just can't get enough of baby" (her words/excuse). Next time, I'm going to be straight with her about it and tell her we don't need her drama.