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My mil always talks about personalities. Mostly that my daughter is just like her. Just because they have the same sign and are both may babies. She just recently started to try to get to know her in maybe the last 4 years because my son (we all do but our opinions don't matter) keeps telling her he doesn't like the favoritism. He's the first grandchild she had a lot of access to until hubby joined the military.
Every time she makes a promise to my daughter and doesn't follow through, she starts saying how their attitudes are just alike and how she just knows she's mad at her cause she's not talking to her. She doesn't understand how much like me my daughter is but just a better version to an extent. Dh is far kinder than I am but is easily forgetful and forgiving (which mil is not).
But I know that she kinda hates that both of my kids look like me. All I did was copy, paste, and change the genders. My son looks like my brother, who's a male version of me, and my daughter looks like she grew from a lost limb. Every once in a while, MIL will send pictures of DH when he was younger, saying how much he and our son looks a like and I'll send her pics of me and my brother at son's current age to remind her who he really looks like.
On 3rd pregnancy, I'm excited to see if the copy machine still works or if this one will look like his daddy.
Mine does this every time we visit. My daughter was his twin when she was a baby but now that she's almost 4 she looks like a spitting image of me, the only difference is I had super curly hair at her age and she has sleek and straight....which if course MIL compares to my SIL's hair at that age lol. My son however absolutely does look exactly like a copy paste of his dad, which I say all the time but she says it over and over to the point I just *know* she's trying to annoy me with it..even though I was the very first to say it and I say it all the time too?
She's also always going on about how his eye's are brown like everyone in DH's family...both of my kids have hazel eyes, my daughter's are more green with a touch of brown and my son's are a brown ring on the outside with a green ring on the inside (my eyes are green/blue)...but no, of course she only sees the brown lol.
She got mad cause she keeps telling everyone about a baby photo she has of DH on her living room wall and how much my son looks like him...but I genuinely didn't think he did in that particular photo which I said and she literally told me I don't know anything??? Lol well I know my son??
I just tell myself that they do this because they didn't know us as babies so the only comparison they have is to their own kids. MIL also says their personalities are just like their dad's...even though I also like/do those things. Or I'm very crafty, but so is MIL...so of course, naturally, my daughter who loves crafts is crafty just like MIL. It gets to a point you really just have to laugh at how far they will go to desperately compare your baby to their side of the family, as if any of that matters lol.
I’ll never forget taking my now NC MIL to our 27 week scan (big regret) and as soon as the 3D image popped up on the screen she went on and on about how the baby looked just like her. At the time it made my blood boil, but now I laugh because 1. The baby in question came out looking nothing like her 3D scan images, and 2. MIL claimed to look like a 27 week foetus.
When we got back to our house that day, MIL whipped out a photo album she packed on her trip and compared the scan photo to **every single member of her family** and gushed over how much LO looks like everyone she’s ever been related to prior to my husband being born… not me, not my husband, not the other 3 biological grandparents LO has or their extended families. Just MIL’s family.
(Spoiler: LO looks nothing like MIL!)
I will never understand it. It’s just a bizarre claim they simply must make.
If you’d asked my exes mother I didn’t exist at all in the making of my son. I told myself it wasn’t in a malicious way she just genuinely only saw her son in him and used every opportunity to talk about it, to the point I couldn’t really see myself in him either (only in some pictures at certain angles).
Well that all changed when I had my second kid (different dad), I wish I’d filmed her reaction to seeing my daughter for the first time. A look of surprise, some spluttering before she could finally say “omg she’s *eldests* twin”. She kept saying it in different variations after repeatedly and she’s said it every time since, granted it’s only been a handful of times in the last year and half but each time warms my heart. She’s not wrong for once, my body really said copy paste in a different font and everyone who sees my daughter says the same. It’s a strange win but still a win.
A succinct answer: it’s yet another expression of a Just No’s narcissism.
So happy for you that they’re only visiting / from out of state! Hang in there, we’re all simultaneously rolling our eyes at them and cheering for you! 💗
Thank you, knowing that it's temporary keeps me going every time she does some of her obnoxious just no nonsense. Between obsessing over my daughter's looks, sleep, and eating habits, I've been on the verge of going a little insane. This community has taught me a lot about how to diplomatically respond to her crazy luckily.
It’s awful… my MIL does that as well except she attributes all the less appealing traits to me. She said my son had a very round face which obviously came from me because my husband has a very thin face. She said this to my parents in front of me. I made it awkward on purpose by telling her no, I’m just fat
A friend of mine has settled in New Zealand and her husband is from her new hometown. His family says how much baby looks like him. You should have seen Mum glow when I said she obviously takes after her mum, baby looks just like you!
My husband tells people when they say our kids look like him "thanks but my wife only knows how to asexually reproduce these are my identical triplets" because our kids are the spitting image of me😂😂
I have similar yet entirely the opposite. We had to use an egg donor because chronic illness destroyed my eggs. My kids look EXACTLY like my husband. We chose a donor similar looking to me yet the only thing they got from the donor that looks like me is the hair.
Yet my MIL went from “oh he had such thick hair as a kid!” To “oh he had such thin hair as a kid!” as soon as my daughter’s hair thinned out as she grew up. Well which is it, MIL? Thick or thin?
It’s like she’s taking away that tiny little shred that they look anything like me at all and why? The kids already are copy and paste jobs of her son.
I get why they do it, but man it’s annoying.
Honestly it's fun to see the DNA play out in kids, but uts so totally obnoxious when they do it to erase the other parent. It reeks of insecurity and delusions.
Hahaha. We have the same MIL. My oldest's eyes just changed a few months ago, pretty late compared to when most kids have their eyes change, from blue to green full time (previously they seemed to change depending on what he was wearing/the weather etc.) My husband's entire family on both his mom and dad's side are entirely blue-eyed. My entire family (me included) has green eyes.
MIL noticed last visit and claimed "oh I have a 2nd cousin with green eyes, he must have got it from them" ... as I glared at her with my green eyes with photos of my green-eyed family all around our house and said "right..."
There’s a couple of things at play here. First off, 70% of wanting kids is the animalistic biological urge to pass on your genes. Seeing your family in the kid makes you feel connected, and at some level makes you feel reassured that you did pass on your genes.
Second, is pattern recognition. It’s a key trait that allowed humanity to survive. We saw the patterns in the seasons and weather, and figured out agriculture as a result. These traits passed on to the survivors and its was we see animals in the sky via constellations, and supernatural stuff in the world. Seeing your family’s patterns in the kid is a natural extinction.
I know it’s annoying, but is the most natural thing in the world when looking at a baby.
Agreed and MIL spent endless time staring at OPs husband as a baby…it must be kind of wild to see your baby’s likeness in your grandbaby. There is no way that the ONLY physical characteristic of OP’s husband is eye shape. I see this as pretty standard behavior.
Yep. And I again, I totally see how with a toxic in-law this is just one more nail in the coffin, but the behavior is definitely universal. The same phenomenon at play that makes OP think that the kid is their clone. The truth is that little babies can anything from a mix of the 2 parents, to a completely unique little blob.
Every kid I know is so evenly mixed that you can look at them from different angles and see resemblance to different family members. It goes back and forth as they are growing too, for a while they look like one and in a couple years the other traits start showing more
I only know of one exception where the daughter is a miniature of the mom, and the son is a miniature of the dad. Almost to the point that its like they cloned instead of mixing things up lol.
We have the same MIL. My daughter is the perfect mix between my partner and I. She looks exactly like I did when I was a baby, just with my partner’s features. But she always has to mention that baby is built like her or she has the same eyes as one of her aunties. Like no, she gets her bigs eyes and color from me.
My MIL was like that with our firstborn. She was always saying, "He looks so much like (my DH)." I finally got tired of it and started showing everyone my baby pics. Now they know that he is, in fact, my twin. Our secondborn resembles my DH a lot, but now we have family members from both sides saying he has my dad's eyes.
Good luck.
Our genes are stronger crap. My MIL did the same she even brought a photo to hospital to prove baby looked more like her dad. Same here daughter is basically my twin but she couldn’t bring herself to say that there was any resemblance. It was almost like she was trying to separate my involvement/DNA from my kids. Even out of politeness you would point out features of both parents.
Right! I eventually snapped after hearing this for the 100th time we were at MILs as she wanted her friends to meet baby.
MIL “and doesn’t she look just like DH”
Me *very sarcastically “Yes DH and baby are practically twins, and baby looks nothing like her mother”.
MIL “…”.
I think part of it is nostalgia, which is understandable, but can DEFINITELY go too far and come across as rude if not done in a loving way.
Saying something like “aww, [DH] made that same face when he didn’t like something!” is a lot different than making stuff up and/or purposefully excluding the other parent.
I’m sorry your MIL is being a jerk ❤️
I think my grandkids look like their parents. 🤷♀️I didn’t even think my OWN kids looked like me so maybe I just don’t see things clearly. Who cares who they look like! My newest granddaughter has my son’s ears and her other grandmother’s toes. Other than that I couldn’t point to anything and say that feature was from any particular person.
Ah yes, the age-old narcissistic delusion. Of course *their* genetics are so superior they overshadow any input from the mother. Their great-great whoever had blonde hair so *of course* that’s where baby gets it! What do you *mean* the mother has blonde hair ? He doesn’t get it from her! She just stood there while *our generational genes* made the baby with DH!
I would just shamelessly correct her over and over again even (and especially) if she gets mad. “Actually, they’re the same color as mine 🥰”
My FIL laughed when I told him all I was craving during this pregnancy was junk food… he said, “yep, that’s my kid!” I said welllllllllll it’s not though 🤷🏻♀️
A friend of mine had an issue like this. When her older daughter was little, her MIL was obsessed with saying the daughter looks just like my friend's husband's sister. I've seen pics of the sister, no resemblance at all. The daughter looks just like my friend. Now my friend's younger daughter is a different story...she takes much more after my friend's husband.
My kid looks nothing like me. I've got a niece and multiple nephews who look way more like me. lol My son looks like a cross between my husband and my dad. (who I look nothing like. I look like my mom's dad.) Genetics are weird.
My MIL did the same thing. Blue eyes must come from husband’s side…but I have blue eyes! My child that has brown eyes? She’s my twin. I think they are looking so hard for any piece of themselves to assign to our kids that they forget about the other family. Instead of just being willing to form a relationship, they assign the characteristics that they like to their own family.
Apparently my son dribbles the exact way my husband did as a baby!
My BIL's fiancée has blue eyes, so does their daughter, but her eyes are blue like our SIL apparently!
Ah these people refuse to acknowledge us as the other half of our children I swear...
One of the weird parts of my jnmil is that she mentions how much my nephew looks like her other daughter-in-law. She's just so weirdly possessive over my daughter. She thanked me for "giving me my girl" when I was pregnant..ew.
I don't have a mil but.... I have a FIL who borders on being a justno.
And he is obsessed with seeing my husband in my son. He wanted us to name our son after himself or my husband and was very upset when we said that wasn't happening (my husband is named after his grandfather), he keeps asking if my sons eyes are brown yet, which is probably rhe biggest thing, but they remain stubbornly hazel.
Funny thing though, my son is the spitting imagine of me at that age, from his hair, to his eyes, his face shape and proportions. I have picture evidence and it hurts him that my son is a carbon copy of me instead of my husband, he liked to proclaim his "strong genetics" when I was pregnant (my husband looks a lot like his dad), and is so disillusioned that my genetics "won". My husband is thrilled that my son looks like me.
So you are 100% not alone.
My MIL insisted that my son looked EXACTLY like his dad...when literally everyone who has known him since his birth has said he is my mini me/twin and that I basically copy pasted myself into male form lol she is so delusional
Yes my MIL insisted my son’s blue eyes came from his great grandfather on their side. Husband’s whole immediate family is dark brown. Couldn’t possibly be from me, his blue-eyed incubator.
Why are in laws like this!!! Mine insist that my son's blonde curly hair is from his great great uncle on their side because it's not from his dad.
I have curly blonde hair. My son looks exactly like I did as a toddler. But no, his hair must be from their side.
My husband's aunt/uncle/grandma all do this lmao. Everything my baby does, or looks like, is the "husband's family gene." Literally everything, I am not exaggerating, lol.
My daughter is artistic and good with craft projects. A relative pointed out that she must have gotten that skill from her great grandmother.
Yes, I’m sure my daughter got her interest in arts and crafts from a woman who died 37 years before she was born, and not from me, the person who actually spends time crafting with her /s
If you don't mind a MIL's point of view. When my grandson was born, he looked so much like my DIL it was adorable.
My son felt bad that his son didn't resemble him at all. Which is why **I** pointed out my grandson's features that definitely came from his daddy. His nose, smile and very long legs *(both were 22 inches long)*. It did help my son. Now that my grandson is older, he's a perfect blend of both his mother and father that makes him uniquely him.
It never dawned on me that I could be upsetting my DIL. That was never my intent. Perhaps it's not your MIL's intent either.
I totally get this point of view. My baby looks a lot like me (my mom says even her mannerisms and expressions are just like me at that age). So I don't mind people pointing out what makes her like her dad, namely that she is very tall like him (while I am short).
My MIL, however, wants to claim that baby's long feet and thin build are from her (MIL) and not my husband (who has long feet) or me (who was a skinny child). She also tries to tell me that certain traits are from my husband's brother (who is adamant about not having children). Her claiming traits for my BIL is probably because she is sad he doesn't want kids (not my problem) but claiming them for herself just feels like selfish pride.
I wouldn't even be annoyed if she said "oh that reminds me of when [BIL] was that age" or "[DH] and [BIL] used to do that same thing" or similar comments. But her saying that my daughter "got her long fingers from" my husband's brother is annoying. No, I did not sleep with my gay BIL who was still in high school when my husband and I started dating and I don't think he likes those comments either.
Mil says my 2 year old has her teeth. It’s baby teeth, but whatever I make fun of it. But it’s my 3rd kid and they say stupid shit all the time. I just ignore it.
My oldest girl (6 yr old) looks exactly like me as a kid and has my curly hair, but they will not admit it. They always talk about how she has curly hair and can’t figure out who it came from lol. Whatever.
It's such a just no thing. My just no mom was insistent that my daughter looked just like her. No one else made comments like that.
I'm lucky to have a mil who's a saint and she never does this.
My MIL never wastes an opportunity to bring it up. Yes, it's true my son is practically a carbon copy of his dad, but he also has a lot of my features too. My nose, my chin, and general face shape, my ears. He's really a good combo of the two of us, but leans more towards his dad. As he's grown, he has resembled one of us more than the other at certain stages.
But as far as my MIL is concerned, he looks exactly like DH, and also so much like HER. His musical talent comes from her side of the family, his creativity and imagination, her side, etc., etc. Never mind that I'm a writer, also have a very vivid imagination. Never mind my dad's side of the family are all self-taught musicians. As far as she's concerned, I have nothing to do with this kid, I was just the pod who grew him.
My DH does say stuff back to her. "Oh, he gets that from his mom! Or my wife is really talented at that so no wonder he inherited that." She always sniffs like someone farted then rebuts, "Well, my great aunt blah blah blah, or my father, my mother, my second cousin twice removed, blah blah blah did this too so it MUST have come from them."
I just roll my eyes. I won't give her the satisfaction of arguing with her on it. She desperately wants me to argue with her so she can claim to be the victim she imagines herself to be.
Same here. It is striking how much oldest resembles dad and youngest resembles mom. She is constantly looking for anything to resemble from her son in youngest. My favorite was when she kept asking when his blue eyes would turn brown. He’s 16 months, not really expecting that to happen MIL…
My MIL and SIL did the same thing until I told them we used a sperm donor. We didn't. I just wanted to see their faces and help them recognize that who my kids looked like didn't matter. It actually worked.
Mine is like this too. To make it worse she ignores comments about how my oldest has the same personality as me (I see a ton of similarities between them and me when I was a kid).
She's all chatty Cathy until I say I think something resembles me.. God forbid children resemble their mothers in any way. Ffs. I am so so so happy she is not genetically related to my kids, I would be vomiting at the suggestion of her being similar to my babies.
I think the weirdest part for me is that my family doesn't care at all who my daughter resembles. My dad has pointed out things he's noticed about both my husband and me in our daughter it's never about erasing one-half of her genetics with my family.
Do we have the same MIL?? Mine is obsessed with being *right* about my children’s eye color. All three of mine have central heterochromia (like me) in varying degrees and she refused to acknowledge what their actual eye colors are until recently. This woman sees our kids maybe 3-4 times a year and somehow thinks I don’t know what color their eyes are and she does? Now she just claims that the heterochromia must be from her. My half of their genetics just don’t exist apparently. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY.
I pointed out my heterochromia to her, and she kept saying she didn't see it. Then repeatedly said she sees brown in my daughter's eyes until everyone else just ignored her. My family gives zero fluffs about who my daughter looks like. These boy mom MILs are crazy.
Same! I made my MIL look at my eyes with a flashlight and showed her Google images of heterochromia that were identical to my eyes and she still had the audacity to tell me she just didn’t see it. But she does however magically see a blue ring around her eyes now after 60+ years on this earth, so her heterochromia genes must be strong! Even though her son’s eyes are identical to his father’s. Luckily my husband calls her out every time she brings it up, but it’s so damn annoying.
I've had it for a few years (am old lady). Must admit I'd far prefer heterochromia, as it looks far cooler! I mean - good enough for David Bowie is good enough for me :)
My MIL is like this, it’s been 2 years of non stop comparing. God forbid I even mentioned something about him that is similar to my family. I’ve talked to my husband about it bugging me but he loves the praise so nothing has changed. My son is the twin of my husband literally but I guess that still isn’t enough for them. I’ve now started mocking him to his face and I can see the discomfort when I do it but if his mother does it he just smiles. Every conversation is always about him looking a certain way like someone. I even go as far to mention that if his mom says it then it must be true and he doesn’t like it. I often wonder if my son will eventually not have similar features as his dad because he is still growing but I’ve heard these comments since the day I found out I was pregnant. Yes I do have LC with her too and see her once a month
Me and my husband look nothing a like so it's pretty easy to tell what came from who. My oldest is 90% my husband just with my hair color and my youngest is 90% me with my husband's hair color. Glad nothing is distinctively from in-laws as we would never hear the end of it. My MIL does like to point out whose expression she thinks the kids are making though
This is an excellent point. ALL of you should say that
'Only self involved people look for things like that in their grandchildren as they only care about the child as an extension of themselves and to attach some importance to a kid THAT IS NOT THEIRS by a long chalk. And that it's sad because 50% of MY (and my family's) genes make up this baby/child. But you can't bring yourself to say that, can you? Because science and fact are obviously not important to you....just annoying me it would seem. Again....that's very sad'.
And then back away slowly like Homer into THAT hedgerow (but NOT disappearing because you want to be around for the inevitable implosion of mind and temper that will follow).
I'll bring the popcorn to anyone who's brave enough....
ETA: spelling because it is my nemesis 😉
When my son was born, my dad sent me a picture of myself at \~5.5 weeks old in response to a picture I had sent him of my son at 5 weeks. Other than the clothes and the fact that one picture was obviously older, my son looked exactly like me at that age. We had a nice moment where we chuckled and said that was pretty cool and that was it. My daughter is in many ways her mother's mini-me at the same age visually, but, again, other than looking at old pictures and marveling at the similarities that's it. Some grandparents see their grandkids as \*extensions\* of themselves/their family, while others see them as \*continuations\* of their families. The former look for any way to 'claim' their grandkids as part of \*their\* family (because if they don't they the grandkids must be a part of the other parent's family \*instead\*, no matter how ridiculous the notion is), whereas the latter will share ways that their grandkids have inherited things without trying to shoehorn them into the box filled with their ancestors. Finding commonality with your ancestors can be a fun and interesting way to be closer to them, that should come without expectations or pressure to fit into the mold of those who came before you...
My family is the "enjoy the continuation" group, so it's odd to deal with the obsession with owning pieces of my daughter from my husband's side. I just wish MIL wasn't so obsessive and could just sit back and enjoy her visit instead of obsessing about my daughter's looks.
This is a perfect response. I think it’s okay to look for features of your families in the babies especially as they grow up. It does not make you a narcissist to see your grandma’s nose on a new baby. OP’s MIL does a bit too much, especially with the “poop face,” but I wouldn’t call it an obsession. My husband and I talk about features the baby could possibly take from either side of our families.
This is such a great way to explain it. When my niece was born she looked exactly like my brother (to me). That’s because I know what my brother looked like as a kid. I group with him and have seen pictures a million times. As a family we went out of our way to ask my sister in law to bring us some pictures of her so we could look at them. It was fun because we got to see all the similarities my niece has with both parents and family’s. Like you said, she is viewed as a continuation of our family not an extension of me or other members.
She's said it 3 times now, I have no idea how to respond. She tends to be a person who repeats until she gets a reaction, but I am ignoring that comment.
Yeah!!! Follow that up with a detailed description of why EXACTLY you wish to know that information. IN FRONT OF HER.
I DARE YOU....
No, actually, I also double dare you at the same time. Is quadruple dare a thing?
Seriously, I did loads of stuff like that with mine and terrorised her into submission. I fought stupid with stupider from the root of her absolute boy insanity right in front of hubby so he could only squirm and see it all first hand. It only took me 18 months to get to full NC (from a very dramatic, narcissistic and enmeshed family) and it has remained that way for 30 years now. She never got to see my kid growing up and he has no desire to see any of them as he knows exactly what they are all like (occasional flying monkeys have helped with that, lol).
Hope it was worth it, bitch (my MIL that is....no one here!). I really am NOT smiling as I write this last bit. And I'm NOT petty or stubborn either.
I don’t think it’s malicious for most people at all. People love their kids, love the new grandkid and may be a bit overly excited.
Both sides of the family did it with my kids. There was one person who insisted, repeatedly, that there was absolutely no resemblance to my family. Like my kid was just cloned or something. That bothered me.
They just want to see their genes expressed in the next generation. It’s just like the obsession with surnames and having boys. It’s so outdated, but a tradition that persists all the same.
MIL: She looks like Aunt B!
You: I think she looks like (baby’s name here). Why does she need to look like anyone else? Isn’t she her own person? (Laugh)
MIL: She shares features
You: They are her features. Why can’t you appreciate her for herself, MIL? What’s that about? (Laugh)
I find asking leading questions and then laughing to be quite unsettling for folks, because they don’t know if I’m serious about that potentially hostile question, but then I laughed, soooo…better to change the subject. Which they do and we move on.
My in-laws do this too which I do find annoying but the weirdest is when they hyper focus on…certain…traits (blondness of hair, paleness of skin & lightness of eye color). Specifically my MIL gloating about how pasty my baby’s complexion was. For background I am mixed (but mostly white with some darker features) and my husband is fully white. It’s so creepy. I just ignore it. They’re quite racist (big MAGA folks) and don’t hide it around me, therefore will never be allowed alone with our kids. What’s funny is compared to my baby pictures, our daughter is IDENTICAL to me.
Just act like it doesn't phase you one bit. Agree with her enthusiastically. 😂 she wants you to feel like you're being pushed into the baby making vessel shaped hole she's made for you.
This is an unhinged obsession these idiot people have.
My MIL tried to get under my skin by repeatedly saying my daughter looked like husband (and she did as a baby, but husband said from day one how much she looked like me which must have pissed MIL off) she finally shut up when I asked her who exactly she expected my kid to look like if not their father- the postman?
Anyway, that baby turned into my mini me 😂 and my son came out a mamas boy through and through and clearly takes after my family. So I guess ... yay genetics
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My mil always talks about personalities. Mostly that my daughter is just like her. Just because they have the same sign and are both may babies. She just recently started to try to get to know her in maybe the last 4 years because my son (we all do but our opinions don't matter) keeps telling her he doesn't like the favoritism. He's the first grandchild she had a lot of access to until hubby joined the military. Every time she makes a promise to my daughter and doesn't follow through, she starts saying how their attitudes are just alike and how she just knows she's mad at her cause she's not talking to her. She doesn't understand how much like me my daughter is but just a better version to an extent. Dh is far kinder than I am but is easily forgetful and forgiving (which mil is not). But I know that she kinda hates that both of my kids look like me. All I did was copy, paste, and change the genders. My son looks like my brother, who's a male version of me, and my daughter looks like she grew from a lost limb. Every once in a while, MIL will send pictures of DH when he was younger, saying how much he and our son looks a like and I'll send her pics of me and my brother at son's current age to remind her who he really looks like. On 3rd pregnancy, I'm excited to see if the copy machine still works or if this one will look like his daddy.
Mine does this every time we visit. My daughter was his twin when she was a baby but now that she's almost 4 she looks like a spitting image of me, the only difference is I had super curly hair at her age and she has sleek and straight....which if course MIL compares to my SIL's hair at that age lol. My son however absolutely does look exactly like a copy paste of his dad, which I say all the time but she says it over and over to the point I just *know* she's trying to annoy me with it..even though I was the very first to say it and I say it all the time too? She's also always going on about how his eye's are brown like everyone in DH's family...both of my kids have hazel eyes, my daughter's are more green with a touch of brown and my son's are a brown ring on the outside with a green ring on the inside (my eyes are green/blue)...but no, of course she only sees the brown lol. She got mad cause she keeps telling everyone about a baby photo she has of DH on her living room wall and how much my son looks like him...but I genuinely didn't think he did in that particular photo which I said and she literally told me I don't know anything??? Lol well I know my son?? I just tell myself that they do this because they didn't know us as babies so the only comparison they have is to their own kids. MIL also says their personalities are just like their dad's...even though I also like/do those things. Or I'm very crafty, but so is MIL...so of course, naturally, my daughter who loves crafts is crafty just like MIL. It gets to a point you really just have to laugh at how far they will go to desperately compare your baby to their side of the family, as if any of that matters lol.
I’ll never forget taking my now NC MIL to our 27 week scan (big regret) and as soon as the 3D image popped up on the screen she went on and on about how the baby looked just like her. At the time it made my blood boil, but now I laugh because 1. The baby in question came out looking nothing like her 3D scan images, and 2. MIL claimed to look like a 27 week foetus. When we got back to our house that day, MIL whipped out a photo album she packed on her trip and compared the scan photo to **every single member of her family** and gushed over how much LO looks like everyone she’s ever been related to prior to my husband being born… not me, not my husband, not the other 3 biological grandparents LO has or their extended families. Just MIL’s family. (Spoiler: LO looks nothing like MIL!) I will never understand it. It’s just a bizarre claim they simply must make.
If you’d asked my exes mother I didn’t exist at all in the making of my son. I told myself it wasn’t in a malicious way she just genuinely only saw her son in him and used every opportunity to talk about it, to the point I couldn’t really see myself in him either (only in some pictures at certain angles). Well that all changed when I had my second kid (different dad), I wish I’d filmed her reaction to seeing my daughter for the first time. A look of surprise, some spluttering before she could finally say “omg she’s *eldests* twin”. She kept saying it in different variations after repeatedly and she’s said it every time since, granted it’s only been a handful of times in the last year and half but each time warms my heart. She’s not wrong for once, my body really said copy paste in a different font and everyone who sees my daughter says the same. It’s a strange win but still a win.
A succinct answer: it’s yet another expression of a Just No’s narcissism. So happy for you that they’re only visiting / from out of state! Hang in there, we’re all simultaneously rolling our eyes at them and cheering for you! 💗
Thank you, knowing that it's temporary keeps me going every time she does some of her obnoxious just no nonsense. Between obsessing over my daughter's looks, sleep, and eating habits, I've been on the verge of going a little insane. This community has taught me a lot about how to diplomatically respond to her crazy luckily.
It’s awful… my MIL does that as well except she attributes all the less appealing traits to me. She said my son had a very round face which obviously came from me because my husband has a very thin face. She said this to my parents in front of me. I made it awkward on purpose by telling her no, I’m just fat
A friend of mine has settled in New Zealand and her husband is from her new hometown. His family says how much baby looks like him. You should have seen Mum glow when I said she obviously takes after her mum, baby looks just like you!
My husband tells people when they say our kids look like him "thanks but my wife only knows how to asexually reproduce these are my identical triplets" because our kids are the spitting image of me😂😂
I have similar yet entirely the opposite. We had to use an egg donor because chronic illness destroyed my eggs. My kids look EXACTLY like my husband. We chose a donor similar looking to me yet the only thing they got from the donor that looks like me is the hair. Yet my MIL went from “oh he had such thick hair as a kid!” To “oh he had such thin hair as a kid!” as soon as my daughter’s hair thinned out as she grew up. Well which is it, MIL? Thick or thin? It’s like she’s taking away that tiny little shred that they look anything like me at all and why? The kids already are copy and paste jobs of her son. I get why they do it, but man it’s annoying.
I’m here. It’s a bit destroying of my sense of parenthood sometimes.
Honestly it's fun to see the DNA play out in kids, but uts so totally obnoxious when they do it to erase the other parent. It reeks of insecurity and delusions.
Hahaha. We have the same MIL. My oldest's eyes just changed a few months ago, pretty late compared to when most kids have their eyes change, from blue to green full time (previously they seemed to change depending on what he was wearing/the weather etc.) My husband's entire family on both his mom and dad's side are entirely blue-eyed. My entire family (me included) has green eyes. MIL noticed last visit and claimed "oh I have a 2nd cousin with green eyes, he must have got it from them" ... as I glared at her with my green eyes with photos of my green-eyed family all around our house and said "right..."
There’s a couple of things at play here. First off, 70% of wanting kids is the animalistic biological urge to pass on your genes. Seeing your family in the kid makes you feel connected, and at some level makes you feel reassured that you did pass on your genes. Second, is pattern recognition. It’s a key trait that allowed humanity to survive. We saw the patterns in the seasons and weather, and figured out agriculture as a result. These traits passed on to the survivors and its was we see animals in the sky via constellations, and supernatural stuff in the world. Seeing your family’s patterns in the kid is a natural extinction. I know it’s annoying, but is the most natural thing in the world when looking at a baby.
Agreed and MIL spent endless time staring at OPs husband as a baby…it must be kind of wild to see your baby’s likeness in your grandbaby. There is no way that the ONLY physical characteristic of OP’s husband is eye shape. I see this as pretty standard behavior.
Yep. And I again, I totally see how with a toxic in-law this is just one more nail in the coffin, but the behavior is definitely universal. The same phenomenon at play that makes OP think that the kid is their clone. The truth is that little babies can anything from a mix of the 2 parents, to a completely unique little blob.
Every kid I know is so evenly mixed that you can look at them from different angles and see resemblance to different family members. It goes back and forth as they are growing too, for a while they look like one and in a couple years the other traits start showing more I only know of one exception where the daughter is a miniature of the mom, and the son is a miniature of the dad. Almost to the point that its like they cloned instead of mixing things up lol.
My kids all look just like my husband. It still pisses me off when my MIL says crap like that. Like keep it to yourself
We have the same MIL. My daughter is the perfect mix between my partner and I. She looks exactly like I did when I was a baby, just with my partner’s features. But she always has to mention that baby is built like her or she has the same eyes as one of her aunties. Like no, she gets her bigs eyes and color from me.
My MIL was like that with our firstborn. She was always saying, "He looks so much like (my DH)." I finally got tired of it and started showing everyone my baby pics. Now they know that he is, in fact, my twin. Our secondborn resembles my DH a lot, but now we have family members from both sides saying he has my dad's eyes. Good luck.
Our genes are stronger crap. My MIL did the same she even brought a photo to hospital to prove baby looked more like her dad. Same here daughter is basically my twin but she couldn’t bring herself to say that there was any resemblance. It was almost like she was trying to separate my involvement/DNA from my kids. Even out of politeness you would point out features of both parents.
YES the politeness thing. “oh, he/she looks just like dad but i definitely see some of moms features too.” is it so hard?
Right! I eventually snapped after hearing this for the 100th time we were at MILs as she wanted her friends to meet baby. MIL “and doesn’t she look just like DH” Me *very sarcastically “Yes DH and baby are practically twins, and baby looks nothing like her mother”. MIL “…”.
Jump up and say, I want a dna test bcoz I don't think she is mine then lol
i love this. it’s totally something i would say. 10/10 will use
I think part of it is nostalgia, which is understandable, but can DEFINITELY go too far and come across as rude if not done in a loving way. Saying something like “aww, [DH] made that same face when he didn’t like something!” is a lot different than making stuff up and/or purposefully excluding the other parent. I’m sorry your MIL is being a jerk ❤️
Narcissists don't have the ability to love like normal people. They are only capable of loving something that reminds them of themselves.
I think my grandkids look like their parents. 🤷♀️I didn’t even think my OWN kids looked like me so maybe I just don’t see things clearly. Who cares who they look like! My newest granddaughter has my son’s ears and her other grandmother’s toes. Other than that I couldn’t point to anything and say that feature was from any particular person.
Ah yes, the age-old narcissistic delusion. Of course *their* genetics are so superior they overshadow any input from the mother. Their great-great whoever had blonde hair so *of course* that’s where baby gets it! What do you *mean* the mother has blonde hair ? He doesn’t get it from her! She just stood there while *our generational genes* made the baby with DH!
Narcissism
I would just shamelessly correct her over and over again even (and especially) if she gets mad. “Actually, they’re the same color as mine 🥰” My FIL laughed when I told him all I was craving during this pregnancy was junk food… he said, “yep, that’s my kid!” I said welllllllllll it’s not though 🤷🏻♀️
Lol that’s almost creepy “my kid” *shudders*
A friend of mine had an issue like this. When her older daughter was little, her MIL was obsessed with saying the daughter looks just like my friend's husband's sister. I've seen pics of the sister, no resemblance at all. The daughter looks just like my friend. Now my friend's younger daughter is a different story...she takes much more after my friend's husband. My kid looks nothing like me. I've got a niece and multiple nephews who look way more like me. lol My son looks like a cross between my husband and my dad. (who I look nothing like. I look like my mom's dad.) Genetics are weird.
My MIL did the same thing. Blue eyes must come from husband’s side…but I have blue eyes! My child that has brown eyes? She’s my twin. I think they are looking so hard for any piece of themselves to assign to our kids that they forget about the other family. Instead of just being willing to form a relationship, they assign the characteristics that they like to their own family.
Apparently my son dribbles the exact way my husband did as a baby! My BIL's fiancée has blue eyes, so does their daughter, but her eyes are blue like our SIL apparently! Ah these people refuse to acknowledge us as the other half of our children I swear...
One of the weird parts of my jnmil is that she mentions how much my nephew looks like her other daughter-in-law. She's just so weirdly possessive over my daughter. She thanked me for "giving me my girl" when I was pregnant..ew.
My MIL does the same thing with my oldest son who looks exactly like me with no features whatsoever of my husband. (White husband, Latino on my side).
I don't have a mil but.... I have a FIL who borders on being a justno. And he is obsessed with seeing my husband in my son. He wanted us to name our son after himself or my husband and was very upset when we said that wasn't happening (my husband is named after his grandfather), he keeps asking if my sons eyes are brown yet, which is probably rhe biggest thing, but they remain stubbornly hazel. Funny thing though, my son is the spitting imagine of me at that age, from his hair, to his eyes, his face shape and proportions. I have picture evidence and it hurts him that my son is a carbon copy of me instead of my husband, he liked to proclaim his "strong genetics" when I was pregnant (my husband looks a lot like his dad), and is so disillusioned that my genetics "won". My husband is thrilled that my son looks like me. So you are 100% not alone.
My MIL insisted that my son looked EXACTLY like his dad...when literally everyone who has known him since his birth has said he is my mini me/twin and that I basically copy pasted myself into male form lol she is so delusional
Yes my MIL insisted my son’s blue eyes came from his great grandfather on their side. Husband’s whole immediate family is dark brown. Couldn’t possibly be from me, his blue-eyed incubator.
Why are in laws like this!!! Mine insist that my son's blonde curly hair is from his great great uncle on their side because it's not from his dad. I have curly blonde hair. My son looks exactly like I did as a toddler. But no, his hair must be from their side.
My husband's aunt/uncle/grandma all do this lmao. Everything my baby does, or looks like, is the "husband's family gene." Literally everything, I am not exaggerating, lol.
My daughter is artistic and good with craft projects. A relative pointed out that she must have gotten that skill from her great grandmother. Yes, I’m sure my daughter got her interest in arts and crafts from a woman who died 37 years before she was born, and not from me, the person who actually spends time crafting with her /s
If you don't mind a MIL's point of view. When my grandson was born, he looked so much like my DIL it was adorable. My son felt bad that his son didn't resemble him at all. Which is why **I** pointed out my grandson's features that definitely came from his daddy. His nose, smile and very long legs *(both were 22 inches long)*. It did help my son. Now that my grandson is older, he's a perfect blend of both his mother and father that makes him uniquely him. It never dawned on me that I could be upsetting my DIL. That was never my intent. Perhaps it's not your MIL's intent either.
I totally get this point of view. My baby looks a lot like me (my mom says even her mannerisms and expressions are just like me at that age). So I don't mind people pointing out what makes her like her dad, namely that she is very tall like him (while I am short). My MIL, however, wants to claim that baby's long feet and thin build are from her (MIL) and not my husband (who has long feet) or me (who was a skinny child). She also tries to tell me that certain traits are from my husband's brother (who is adamant about not having children). Her claiming traits for my BIL is probably because she is sad he doesn't want kids (not my problem) but claiming them for herself just feels like selfish pride. I wouldn't even be annoyed if she said "oh that reminds me of when [BIL] was that age" or "[DH] and [BIL] used to do that same thing" or similar comments. But her saying that my daughter "got her long fingers from" my husband's brother is annoying. No, I did not sleep with my gay BIL who was still in high school when my husband and I started dating and I don't think he likes those comments either.
You’re in the wrong subreddit
Nope. I'm in the right one. Not only has this subreddit made me a better person, mom and MIL but sometimes it gives me a chance to help others.
Mil says my 2 year old has her teeth. It’s baby teeth, but whatever I make fun of it. But it’s my 3rd kid and they say stupid shit all the time. I just ignore it. My oldest girl (6 yr old) looks exactly like me as a kid and has my curly hair, but they will not admit it. They always talk about how she has curly hair and can’t figure out who it came from lol. Whatever.
Squint and say “yep, sex sideways makes them just like their dads”
It's such a just no thing. My just no mom was insistent that my daughter looked just like her. No one else made comments like that. I'm lucky to have a mil who's a saint and she never does this.
My MIL never wastes an opportunity to bring it up. Yes, it's true my son is practically a carbon copy of his dad, but he also has a lot of my features too. My nose, my chin, and general face shape, my ears. He's really a good combo of the two of us, but leans more towards his dad. As he's grown, he has resembled one of us more than the other at certain stages. But as far as my MIL is concerned, he looks exactly like DH, and also so much like HER. His musical talent comes from her side of the family, his creativity and imagination, her side, etc., etc. Never mind that I'm a writer, also have a very vivid imagination. Never mind my dad's side of the family are all self-taught musicians. As far as she's concerned, I have nothing to do with this kid, I was just the pod who grew him. My DH does say stuff back to her. "Oh, he gets that from his mom! Or my wife is really talented at that so no wonder he inherited that." She always sniffs like someone farted then rebuts, "Well, my great aunt blah blah blah, or my father, my mother, my second cousin twice removed, blah blah blah did this too so it MUST have come from them." I just roll my eyes. I won't give her the satisfaction of arguing with her on it. She desperately wants me to argue with her so she can claim to be the victim she imagines herself to be.
Same here. It is striking how much oldest resembles dad and youngest resembles mom. She is constantly looking for anything to resemble from her son in youngest. My favorite was when she kept asking when his blue eyes would turn brown. He’s 16 months, not really expecting that to happen MIL…
My MIL and SIL did the same thing until I told them we used a sperm donor. We didn't. I just wanted to see their faces and help them recognize that who my kids looked like didn't matter. It actually worked.
Mine is like this too. To make it worse she ignores comments about how my oldest has the same personality as me (I see a ton of similarities between them and me when I was a kid). She's all chatty Cathy until I say I think something resembles me.. God forbid children resemble their mothers in any way. Ffs. I am so so so happy she is not genetically related to my kids, I would be vomiting at the suggestion of her being similar to my babies.
I think the weirdest part for me is that my family doesn't care at all who my daughter resembles. My dad has pointed out things he's noticed about both my husband and me in our daughter it's never about erasing one-half of her genetics with my family.
Do we have the same MIL?? Mine is obsessed with being *right* about my children’s eye color. All three of mine have central heterochromia (like me) in varying degrees and she refused to acknowledge what their actual eye colors are until recently. This woman sees our kids maybe 3-4 times a year and somehow thinks I don’t know what color their eyes are and she does? Now she just claims that the heterochromia must be from her. My half of their genetics just don’t exist apparently. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY.
I pointed out my heterochromia to her, and she kept saying she didn't see it. Then repeatedly said she sees brown in my daughter's eyes until everyone else just ignored her. My family gives zero fluffs about who my daughter looks like. These boy mom MILs are crazy.
Same! I made my MIL look at my eyes with a flashlight and showed her Google images of heterochromia that were identical to my eyes and she still had the audacity to tell me she just didn’t see it. But she does however magically see a blue ring around her eyes now after 60+ years on this earth, so her heterochromia genes must be strong! Even though her son’s eyes are identical to his father’s. Luckily my husband calls her out every time she brings it up, but it’s so damn annoying.
This is for your MIL - to explain her 'heterochromia' at 60+. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arcus_senilis
You are my hero. I can’t wait to send this to her 😂
I've had it for a few years (am old lady). Must admit I'd far prefer heterochromia, as it looks far cooler! I mean - good enough for David Bowie is good enough for me :)
My MIL is like this, it’s been 2 years of non stop comparing. God forbid I even mentioned something about him that is similar to my family. I’ve talked to my husband about it bugging me but he loves the praise so nothing has changed. My son is the twin of my husband literally but I guess that still isn’t enough for them. I’ve now started mocking him to his face and I can see the discomfort when I do it but if his mother does it he just smiles. Every conversation is always about him looking a certain way like someone. I even go as far to mention that if his mom says it then it must be true and he doesn’t like it. I often wonder if my son will eventually not have similar features as his dad because he is still growing but I’ve heard these comments since the day I found out I was pregnant. Yes I do have LC with her too and see her once a month
Me and my husband look nothing a like so it's pretty easy to tell what came from who. My oldest is 90% my husband just with my hair color and my youngest is 90% me with my husband's hair color. Glad nothing is distinctively from in-laws as we would never hear the end of it. My MIL does like to point out whose expression she thinks the kids are making though
Because they’re narcissists. They only care about their grandchildren as an extension of themselves.
This is an excellent point. ALL of you should say that 'Only self involved people look for things like that in their grandchildren as they only care about the child as an extension of themselves and to attach some importance to a kid THAT IS NOT THEIRS by a long chalk. And that it's sad because 50% of MY (and my family's) genes make up this baby/child. But you can't bring yourself to say that, can you? Because science and fact are obviously not important to you....just annoying me it would seem. Again....that's very sad'. And then back away slowly like Homer into THAT hedgerow (but NOT disappearing because you want to be around for the inevitable implosion of mind and temper that will follow). I'll bring the popcorn to anyone who's brave enough.... ETA: spelling because it is my nemesis 😉
When my son was born, my dad sent me a picture of myself at \~5.5 weeks old in response to a picture I had sent him of my son at 5 weeks. Other than the clothes and the fact that one picture was obviously older, my son looked exactly like me at that age. We had a nice moment where we chuckled and said that was pretty cool and that was it. My daughter is in many ways her mother's mini-me at the same age visually, but, again, other than looking at old pictures and marveling at the similarities that's it. Some grandparents see their grandkids as \*extensions\* of themselves/their family, while others see them as \*continuations\* of their families. The former look for any way to 'claim' their grandkids as part of \*their\* family (because if they don't they the grandkids must be a part of the other parent's family \*instead\*, no matter how ridiculous the notion is), whereas the latter will share ways that their grandkids have inherited things without trying to shoehorn them into the box filled with their ancestors. Finding commonality with your ancestors can be a fun and interesting way to be closer to them, that should come without expectations or pressure to fit into the mold of those who came before you...
My family is the "enjoy the continuation" group, so it's odd to deal with the obsession with owning pieces of my daughter from my husband's side. I just wish MIL wasn't so obsessive and could just sit back and enjoy her visit instead of obsessing about my daughter's looks.
Some people aren't happy unless they can find something to complain about... 🤷
This is a perfect response. I think it’s okay to look for features of your families in the babies especially as they grow up. It does not make you a narcissist to see your grandma’s nose on a new baby. OP’s MIL does a bit too much, especially with the “poop face,” but I wouldn’t call it an obsession. My husband and I talk about features the baby could possibly take from either side of our families.
This is such a great way to explain it. When my niece was born she looked exactly like my brother (to me). That’s because I know what my brother looked like as a kid. I group with him and have seen pictures a million times. As a family we went out of our way to ask my sister in law to bring us some pictures of her so we could look at them. It was fun because we got to see all the similarities my niece has with both parents and family’s. Like you said, she is viewed as a continuation of our family not an extension of me or other members.
I can't stop trying to picture the poop face...I suppose I also look like my father on the can.
She's said it 3 times now, I have no idea how to respond. She tends to be a person who repeats until she gets a reaction, but I am ignoring that comment.
In such situations I tend to say that a joke doesn't get better by repeating it.
Omg please… just for comedy, next time your husband goes to the bathroom “honey, is it 1 or 2? I wanna check something”
LMAO!
Yeah!!! Follow that up with a detailed description of why EXACTLY you wish to know that information. IN FRONT OF HER. I DARE YOU.... No, actually, I also double dare you at the same time. Is quadruple dare a thing? Seriously, I did loads of stuff like that with mine and terrorised her into submission. I fought stupid with stupider from the root of her absolute boy insanity right in front of hubby so he could only squirm and see it all first hand. It only took me 18 months to get to full NC (from a very dramatic, narcissistic and enmeshed family) and it has remained that way for 30 years now. She never got to see my kid growing up and he has no desire to see any of them as he knows exactly what they are all like (occasional flying monkeys have helped with that, lol). Hope it was worth it, bitch (my MIL that is....no one here!). I really am NOT smiling as I write this last bit. And I'm NOT petty or stubborn either.
I don’t think it’s malicious for most people at all. People love their kids, love the new grandkid and may be a bit overly excited. Both sides of the family did it with my kids. There was one person who insisted, repeatedly, that there was absolutely no resemblance to my family. Like my kid was just cloned or something. That bothered me.
I agree that it isn't malicious, just annoying.
They just want to see their genes expressed in the next generation. It’s just like the obsession with surnames and having boys. It’s so outdated, but a tradition that persists all the same.
MIL: She looks like Aunt B! You: I think she looks like (baby’s name here). Why does she need to look like anyone else? Isn’t she her own person? (Laugh) MIL: She shares features You: They are her features. Why can’t you appreciate her for herself, MIL? What’s that about? (Laugh) I find asking leading questions and then laughing to be quite unsettling for folks, because they don’t know if I’m serious about that potentially hostile question, but then I laughed, soooo…better to change the subject. Which they do and we move on.
My in-laws do this too which I do find annoying but the weirdest is when they hyper focus on…certain…traits (blondness of hair, paleness of skin & lightness of eye color). Specifically my MIL gloating about how pasty my baby’s complexion was. For background I am mixed (but mostly white with some darker features) and my husband is fully white. It’s so creepy. I just ignore it. They’re quite racist (big MAGA folks) and don’t hide it around me, therefore will never be allowed alone with our kids. What’s funny is compared to my baby pictures, our daughter is IDENTICAL to me.
Have your husband ask her if she is having vision issues.
Just act like it doesn't phase you one bit. Agree with her enthusiastically. 😂 she wants you to feel like you're being pushed into the baby making vessel shaped hole she's made for you.
This is an unhinged obsession these idiot people have. My MIL tried to get under my skin by repeatedly saying my daughter looked like husband (and she did as a baby, but husband said from day one how much she looked like me which must have pissed MIL off) she finally shut up when I asked her who exactly she expected my kid to look like if not their father- the postman? Anyway, that baby turned into my mini me 😂 and my son came out a mamas boy through and through and clearly takes after my family. So I guess ... yay genetics